Shannon made me feel better
So, I'm stiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllll telling U all abt this past Monday. Pattersons take 4evs 2 spit out a story, eh, even if it's a pretty dull one. Sorry abt that, foax.
I sed 2 Shannon, "My mom has been @ the hospital day an' nite. My uncle Phil just came in fr. Montreal." Shannon was, like, "Is ... yr ... Grand...pa ... awake?" And I was all, "Sumtymez, but the doctor sez it mite take a few wks B4 they know how much damage was dun. Then, he'll need therapy." Shannon kinda turned the convo around 2 B-ing abt her when she sed, "I ... go 2 ther...apy, ... April!" The whole time we were talking abt all this, there were silhouetted kidz in the background which is alwayz kinda disturbing. NEway, she went on w/"One ... lady helps me ... w/ ... exer...cises, an' .... another ...one ....helps ... me w/my ... speech! .... Therapists are ... awe...sum!" Then she took abt five steps away fr. me and turned 2 wave. A kid in a wheelchair had "I brake 4 pizza" on the back of his chair, I guess cuz he didn't want the kid w/the "on a roll" bag 2 get all the pts 4 wheelchair humour. So, I was waving back @ Shannon, and I thot, "Wow... I've told a few ppl abt what happened ... But Shannon is the only 1 who's made me feel better." Raise yr hand if U saw that coming. And from how many km away?!?!?!??!
Wish me luck 4 having sumthing new 2 talk abt on Monday, ppl!
Apes
I sed 2 Shannon, "My mom has been @ the hospital day an' nite. My uncle Phil just came in fr. Montreal." Shannon was, like, "Is ... yr ... Grand...pa ... awake?" And I was all, "Sumtymez, but the doctor sez it mite take a few wks B4 they know how much damage was dun. Then, he'll need therapy." Shannon kinda turned the convo around 2 B-ing abt her when she sed, "I ... go 2 ther...apy, ... April!" The whole time we were talking abt all this, there were silhouetted kidz in the background which is alwayz kinda disturbing. NEway, she went on w/"One ... lady helps me ... w/ ... exer...cises, an' .... another ...one ....helps ... me w/my ... speech! .... Therapists are ... awe...sum!" Then she took abt five steps away fr. me and turned 2 wave. A kid in a wheelchair had "I brake 4 pizza" on the back of his chair, I guess cuz he didn't want the kid w/the "on a roll" bag 2 get all the pts 4 wheelchair humour. So, I was waving back @ Shannon, and I thot, "Wow... I've told a few ppl abt what happened ... But Shannon is the only 1 who's made me feel better." Raise yr hand if U saw that coming. And from how many km away?!?!?!??!
Wish me luck 4 having sumthing new 2 talk abt on Monday, ppl!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:36 AM
12 Comments:
At 10:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I was so excited to read your Blog entry today. You said I was the only one who made you feel better. I know you didn’t tell me in person, because that’s not your way of doing things, even though you are still the nicest girl in Milborough. But you put it in your Blog entry, so I could read it and everyone else, including Eva can read it. I made you feel better and now you have made me feel better with your Blog entry. I wasn’t really sure how I made you feel, because when we waved good-bye to each other on Monday, you had hiked up your skirt and it made me a little nervous what that meant. But Jeremy Jones told me you have been hiking up your skirt a lot lately, so I shouldn’t take it personally, so I didn’t. Jeremy likes it when you hike up your skirt because he’s a guy, but I think if you want to still be known as the nicest girl in Milborough, maybe you shouldn’t do it so much. It doesn’t really matter to me though. I will think you are the nicest girl in Milborough, even if you hike up your skirt. I am so glad we finally got to talk in person again. You’re like a therapist. I think you are awesome.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 11:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about the visit with your friend Shannon. I am very happy you have at least one friend who is not debinaak (careless) with your feelings. When she told you about her experience with therapists, that was a good way to let you know that she thinks a therapist will be able to help your mishomis (grandfather) get better. Good advice can be very helpful to someone going through what you and your sister are going through with your mishomis (grandfather).
At my detachment, I find I offer counsel and advice fairly regularly, in addition to enforcing the law. For example, we had in our Otter County jail a number of ruthless, hardened, young female criminals who had been arrested for making userpics that violated the copyright laws, and they had refused to delete them and continued to use them. I told them whenever my superiours complained about my userpics, I would delete them and just make more userpics which were equally, if not more offensive than the ones I had made before. This way I satisfied the request of my superiours, while still allowing my creative spirit to flow. I think those criminals learned a valuable lesson from my advice, and when they get out of prison in 30 to 40 years, they will probably put that information to good use.
April, do not worry. As your friend Shannon said, a therapist can help your mishomis (grandfather) get better and with good friends who are not debinaak (careless) with your feelings, you will get better too.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. “The doctor says it might take a few weeks before they know how much damage was done.”? Why did you lie to the little special needs girl? You know that grandpa Jim is disabled on one side, has lost his ability to speak, can make slight hand movements, can swallow and is sitting up for some of the day. I would almost tell your special needs friend to read our monthly letters to find out what’s going on, instead of talking to you; but it is obvious from your statement how she is the only one who made you feel better, the quality of your friends is so poor, you should avoid driving away your only decent friend at all costs. You want the warm and friendly Sheilagh Shaugnesseys in your life, not the selfish, unsharing Harvey Roods. Harvey may promise to make you feel better when times are hard, but he doesn’t live up to those promises. It sounds like your friend Shannon is like the kind and giving Sheilagh Shaugnessey. You need more friends like her.
Let me tell you about making friends, April, since you are 15 years old and you don’t seem to have figured this out yet. The reason you have friends is for 2 majour purposes: (1) To make you feel good about yourself. (2) Monetary investment possibilities. If you have friends who don’t meet these 2 basic criteria, then you need to drop them as a friend and move on. I know you dropped Becky McGuire as a friend, and certainly her slutty behaviour is not something you would want to emulate, however, I think you have definitely missed an opportunity there. If you had supported her in her career and more importantly, invested some money in her career, then every time she had a hit single, she would have to come to you and say, “If it wasn’t for April Patterson, I wouldn’t have the things I have.” She could have been a perfect friend for you.
It’s like when my childhood friend Lawrence Poirier announced he was gay, it was the best news in the world. It meant that just by being his friend and sticking by him, he would owe me for life. And as Dad can tell you, Lawrence has really paid off as a financial investment too, even though he isn’t as good about thanking Dad as Gordon Mayes is. Imagine what it would be like you were living in Bodner Saskatchewan after World War II and your neighbour was Sheilagh Shaugnessey. You could drive your horse and buggy across the kilometres, I mean miles, I mean Imperial miles to her sod shack, to give her the needed supplies her ogre-like husband, Harvey is too cheap to properly barter for. There you could see her Devon, England simplicity which would cheer you for days after your meeting, and you could find that each act of kindness you bestow upon Sheilagh results not only in the satisfaction of having done a good deed but in the praise and adulation which are the hallmarks of true friendship. Later you could convince your husband to invest in sod farming, so when Sheilagh divorces her husband and takes over the farm, she will become fabulously rich and she will name her farm after you. Even Sheilagh Shaugnessey’s neighbour knows how to recognize a potential good friend when she sees one.
My advise is to get a better set of friends, while you still can and remember the 2 majour purposes for friends while you do it. You have been doing an excellent job on the ethnic choices for your friends, but just being ethnic is not good enough. If they are not making you feel good, then you need to move on to nice ethnic friends who will. Maybe your friend Shannon has some ethnic special needs friends. Those might be a good choice.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:23 PM,
howard said…
April,
I don’t know about your family, but mine is planning to have a big Thanksgiving celebration this weekend, since it is, in all likelihood, to be my last Thanksgiving as a free man, before your sister puts me in prison. I am pulling out all the stops and if your family is not doing anything (aside from putting really old pictures of themselves at Thanksgiving on your mother’s website), you are welcome to come over to Becky’s house to celebrate with us. I am feeling so good about the party possibilities, that I have even invited Marjee Mahaha and her new boyfriend Warren Blackwood over.
As for your conversation with Shannon, I would have to agree with her opinion that therapists are awesome. I still remember a sex therapist I went to, just after I had announced to my parents I was gay, named Dr. Weidelsteen, who taught me so much. Many of my techniques would never have been developed, had it not been for this therapist. It was such a positive experience for me, although I am sure that my parents had intended it to produce different results. If I were Shannon’s parents however, I would find her a new speech therapist. Every time you report her speech patterns in your Blog, she sounds worse and worse. If it keeps up, she will be individually pronouncing every syllable in words.
Anyway, I hope you can come to Becky’s place for Thanksgiving, but since you have your uncle Phil in town and your grandfather recovering from his stroke, I will understand if you can’t make it.
Howard Bunt
At 1:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i swear i wuz eatin’ my lunch & mindin’ my own bizness. i wuz havin’ lunch w/shannon lake, cuz u know i can’t have lunch w/u nemore cuz u eat w/eva abuya. so shannon wuz goin’ on ‘bout how she wuz the only 1 who made u feel bettah, like she haz been doin’ all week. i have kinda got used 2 this w/shannon. wen she talks 2u n skool, thass all she can talk ‘bout 4 awhile. then aftah awhile she realizes she hazn’t talked 2u n awhile & she kinda wants 2 talk ‘bout othah things. so, i can put up with the “i made april feel bettah” speech, cuz i know it won’t last 4 too long.
2day howevah, shannon wuz makin’ a point ‘bout how she got her job back frum eva, wen eva came ovah 2 our table. eva sed, “shannon. i’m tired of lissenin’ 2 u talk ‘bout how u got ur job back frum me. u can have the job of makin’ april feel good. ur like pancho 2 april’s cisco kid. u make her feel good, just by b-ing w/her.” shannon sed, “cis…co…kid?” i sed, “it’s an old western character.” eva sed, “cisco wuz the hero & pancho wuz the fat, short, guy who sed, ‘oh cisco’ a lot, wenevah sumthin’ funny happened 2 him. wenevah cisco lost the girl or didn’t win the battle, pancho wud make him feel bettah.” shannon sed, “pan…cho…wuz…a…good…guy?” i sed, “pancho wuz the comic relief sidekick. kind of like the st8s guyz who do movies w/jackie chan. jackie kicks butt. the sidekick tellz jokes.” eva sed, “u don’t know the cisco kid & pancho? how ‘bout gabby hayes? he wuz the sidekick 4 hopalong cassidy, roy rogers & gene autry.” i sed, “i don’t rilly c shannon sayin’ ‘consarn it, yer durn tootin, durn persnickety female’, or ‘young whipper snapper’ 2 april.” shannon sed, “gab…by…who?” eva sed, “how ‘bout frog millhouse 2 gene autry?” eva sed, “wut…kinda…name…iz…frog?” eva sed, “ok. ur deputy jingle p. jonez 2 april’s sheriff wild bill hickok.” shannon sed, “iz…he…a…christ…mas…char…act…er…named…jingle?” eva sed, “u hafta know this 1. ur deputy festus haggen 2 april’s marshall dillon.” shannon sed, “iz…fes…tus…sum…kinda…latin…word?” i sed, “i guess it could be. festae would be the plural.” eva sed, “no. no. no. this 1 u hafta know. ur like tonto 2 april’s the lone ranger.” shannon sed, “i…know…that…1. ur…sayin’…i…am…like…a…faith…ful…indian….comp…anion.” eva sed, “that & u kinda talk like tonto.” i sed, “thass not v. nice eva.” shannon sed, “no…jeremy…she’z…sayin’…i…am…bi…lingu…al…like…tonto. i…know…how…2…speak…2…reg…u…lar…peo…ple…and…i…also…know…how…2…speak…2…april.” eva sed, “wut? u don’t need 2 speak differently 2 april.” shannon sed, “sez…the…girl…who…made…april…run…away…frum…her…cry…ing.” eva sed, “i didn’t mean 2b insensitive.” shannon sed, “&…yet…u…r. mebbe…u…shud…try…b-ing…a…side…kick…nstead…of…b-ing…a…kick…2…the…head. then….peeps…wudn’t….run…away…frum…u.” eva sed, “i think i am gonna talk 2 my bf, duncan now, since i have a bf.” i sed, “i think he haz realized zandra iz actually hiz gf.” eva sed, “u think so? then watch this.” then eva smirked a rilly big smirk & duncan wuz rite b-side her. eva sed, “duncan. tell jeremy who ur bf iz.” duncan sed, “za…eva abuya. our feelingz have evolved frum just friendship 2 an official couple.” i sed, “thass 1 scary power, eva.” eva sed, “there’z no power here, but the power of luv. duncan iz my roy rogers & i am his dale evans.” shannon sed, “who?” eva sed, “oh, 4get it” & she & duncan walked off hand in hand. i sed 2 shannon, “eva may not like u all that much, but i am glad u know how2 talk 2 april.” shannon sed, “me…2. she’z…my…favrite.”
thass wut happed, no mattah wut eva may tell u.
At 1:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
u should totally come 2 my house 4 thanxgiving. this is the guest list:
me
howie
howie's 'rents
mom an' dr. ted
dad an' orque
marjee an' warren
uncle ralph an' aunt mark
gramma hortense
great aunt jackie
great uncle jethro
aunt arlene
rita begler an' her mystery bf
gerald
ger's aunt vinny
apollo, zeus, freyfaxi, an' arlene's dog bowser
it should b awesum! remember last year? this is gonna b even trashier! xxcept no social workers, an' great-great-gramma eulalie died, an' brenda starr izn't coming.
i can't w8! the only thing i'm worried abt is that gramma hortense mite ask 2 c the "purse gun" she gave me last year. i don't remember what happened 2 it, but it's gone. o well, sum rellie is bound 2 give me another 1.
becks
At 6:00 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
April,
i've been reading ur bro & sis's posts 4 quite a while now, & i still can't figure out which 1 is more nuts.
Luann
At 7:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, when i asked my mom if i cd go 2 yr place 4 t-giving dinner, she acted kinda distracted an' sed, "yeah, sure, whatever", so yeah, baby, i'm going!
luann, that's a tuff call! depends on the day, i guess!
mike, i didn't lie, i just told shannon what grandpa jim's doc actually told me, insteada just making sum stuff up 2 sound like i know more abt what's going on, like sum ppl in our fam did in this month's letters.
jeremy, eva seemed kinda grumpy @ lunch. but she smirked @ dun a lot, that's 4 sure.
apes
At 8:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I'm so glad you can make it. The food will be great and I have placed extra pads around the house to avoid injury. Some of Becky's relatives are getting up in years. That reminds me. Do you have a bullet-proof vest? If you don't, I will need to get one for you. My bodyguard, Mr. Bondom, did a background check on Becky's relatives and after he recovered from what he saw, he recommended I wear full body armour. Becky and I talked him down to bullet-proof vests. Becky has a lovely pink one. Maybe you would like pink too, or do you prefer something a little more garish?
Howard Bunt
At 8:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
pink wd b cube, howard!
apes
At 9:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
Pink it is. Is Gerald coming? Would he like pink also?
Howard Bunt
At 12:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest Howard,
Thank you for your kind offer, yo, but I have procured my own body armor for the occasion, biatch!
Sincerely yours,
G-Dog Forsythe
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