April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I want my Grandpa.

Well, even tho what I'm abt 2 tell U happened this past Monday, I cdn't tell U B4 cuz I was so upset my memory, like, lapsed. Luann, I'm glad yr bro Brad showed up @ the oldiez complex 2 help!

Dad and I met Mom and Iris @ the hospital, and Dad asked, "How is yr Dad, Elly?" Mom was, like, "They don't know. He's had a serious stroke. They're doing tests on him now." I was, like, "What happened xxactly?" And even tho I was upset, I noticed that I was almost as tall as Mom. Mom sed, "Something has caused an injury 2 his brain, April. That meanz there's inflammation which has 2 go down." Way 2 assume I don't know what a stroke is. I meant what happened, like what was he doing, what did he say and do, like that." Mom went on, "It will B a few dayz B4 we know how much damage has been done." I was like, "Damage?" Then I added, "U mean, he mite not B able 2 speak or walk or..." C, I know these can B things that happen w/a stroke. Mom was all, "No1 can make NE predictions. We just have 2 w8. I kinda collapsed in2 Mom's arms while Iris went in 4 a hug fr. my Dad. While I was thinking "I want my Grandpa", I had a feeling that Mom was thinking "I want my Dad", that Iris was thinking "I want my husband back!" and that Dad wasn't thinking NEthing @ all. And I was short again.

And then the next thing that happed, was-- was, was. Aw, shoot, my memory's blanking out again. I think I won't remember until 2morrow morning. Sorry abt that peeps. Pls think gd thots 4 my gramps.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:01 AM  

26 Comments:

  • At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and your noos (father) and nokomis (grandmother) worried about your mishomis (grandfather) while they waited at hospital. I hope your mishomis (grandfather) has not had too serious a stroke and he recovers soon. I asked your sister why she wasn’t there with the rest of your family, since she lives in Milborough in the same house with you. She said she was off making sure she had moral support. It is good your sister is always prepared for the worst.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Don't take this the wrong way. I really like your grandfather and I hope he gets better from whatever is his medical problem. However, waiting for inflammation to go down doesn't sound like a stroke. The doctors should have been evaluating your grandfather to see if he had a stroke caused by a blood clot, and then using those drugs to dissolve the clot and any others in his brain. I think the doctors must realize it is not really a stroke if they are waiting for inflammation to go down in a few days. It doesn't sound like your grandfather is having an experience anything like what my great aunt had when she had her stroke. Your mother may have gotten in the habit of throwing out medical words when she worked assisting your dad, but maybe you should listen to the doctors yourself.

    On the upside, you had your first hug with your mom that you have told us about this year. She usually puts an arm out to push you away when you try to hug her. It has to hurt a little that it took an event like this to get a hug out of her. If you need any more hugs, I will be glad to give them. Becky tells me I am a very good hugger.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i know u don't remembah wut happed next, but that "i wunt my grandpa" thought balloon iz a big clue. u prolly wud have been thinkin' "i hope grandpa wakes up" or "i hope grandpa remembahz me" or sumthin' like that, if ur grandpa woke up all normal-like. it soundz like the stroke killed him. i am rilly sorry april. wen ur memory comez back, i hope u remembah sumthin' diffrent than that.

     

  • At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. We are still packing up the things for the kids in order to make the trip to Milborough to visit Grandpa Jim. As you know it takes a long time for us to get ready. As for dad not thinking anything at all, I am sure it is a reflex protective mechanism that he developed over the years of living with mom. He tries to achieve a zen-like state of calm when mom is talking and in particular, explaining all things medical. When he was younger, he used to get more upset when mom pretended she was the doctor, but he is much happier now. It’s a good example for you to watch mom, so you can learn to put your future husband Gerald, into a catatonic state by simply trying to explain things you know very little about. When Grandma Marian was alive and she started talking, Grandpa Jim used to go outside and smoke. I think a mindless catatonia is much healthier. Of course, now I am thinking about the old Grandpa Jim. I want him back. Smoking a pack a day, leering at women, always complaining about something. I am going to miss those things about him, when the stroke keeps him from being able to speak properly.

    Anyway, we’ll be there soon. My daughter just finished her ninth washroom break before starting on the way to Milborough. Most times Milborough is pretty close to where we are, but when it comes to things like this, it seems like it gets further and further away. I’ll bet even the Lizardbreath makes it there before we do, depending on how long it takes her to convince Anthony to come with her.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate.
    What are good thoughts? I was thinking about chocolate, but maybe that is not it. Jello? They serve jello in hospital. I like jello.
    Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello. Jello.
    I hope this helps your grandpa.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    apes, if ur grandpa is gonna b like all confined 2 a wheelchair an' can't talk or play guitar or mayb even fantasize abt nubile young ladies fawning all over him, mayb it would b better 4 him 2 just die now, insted of suffering thru a rilly miz life just so u guyz can have him back.

    like, if i wuz stuck in a wheelchair an' couldn't sing or brush my own hair or put on my makeup or do much of nething, i would want howie 2 throw me out on a ice floe. that is the viking way after all. i alreddy promised my fafa that is what i will do w/ him.

    but mayb he will get better, it duzn't sound like ur mom knows what she's talking abt so mayb he iz gonna b fine an' dandy in a couple of dayz. that's ok. the song will keep.

    becks

     

  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I was home hugging my cat and getting some sleep so I wouldn't get too depressed during this crisis, also Anthony was giving me some great moral support.

    I wish we were getting some casseroles, I could have used a snack.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Miss Patterson,
    My name is Sgt. Robert Royalson, and I am the officer assigned to investigate what appears to be a criminal attack directed at one "Gramps" Patterson, of unit 143K of the Geezerville Assisted Living Centre. Hospital officials advise me that this gentleman (who I believe may be related to you as your grandfather) suffered a stroke or seizure as the result of oxygen deprivation caused by a large dog biscuit having been intentionally lodged in his throat, by person or persons unknown. As the vast majority of such attempted homicides are perpetrated by family members, we are concentrating our investigation upon Mr. Patterson's second wife, one Iris Patterson. I assume you are aware that this was in fact her eighth marriage, and that all seven of her previous husbands also died of apparent strokes, brought on by large objects having been wedged down their windpipes. The RCMP had investigated the seven previous incidents, but concluded that they were simply a string of very bad luck. This most recent case may cause us to re-open this investigation, however. Any information you could provide regarding the family relationship could be very valuable. In the event that Mr. Patterson does die, as seems likely, we extend you our official condolences. By of good cheer, however, as we are told that he stands a fairly good chance of lingering on as an insentient vegetable for ten to twenty more years. That thought should be a great comfort to you.

     

  • At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I'm here comforting Liz. We've raided your mom's snack-cake stash, but we kept count of how many we ate so they can be replaced. According to Liz your Mom really freaks if any are missing because it means people are spoiling their dinner.

    I asked Sensei for some words of comfort that would both enlighten and heal and he quoted an ancient warrior monk named Wun Hung Lo whose words are written on a watercolor painting of a tiger in his office. I don't read Chinese characters as well as Sensei does, but he translated them for me:

    To everything
    There is a season
    And a time for every purpose, under heaven

    A time to be born, a time to die
    A time to plant, a time to reap
    A time to kill, a time to heal
    A time to laugh, a time to weep


    I hope RKD wisdom brings you some amount of comfort. Meanwhile, Liz and I hare having a very healing pillow fight and then we're going to watch the rabbit electrocute itself some more. But we'll be over to the hospital as soon as we can.

    Anthony

     

  • At 5:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sgt. royalson, i'm not sure if u r confusing my gramps w/another guy, cuz grandpa jim's name is jim richards, and his wife is iris richards. grandpa jim is my mom's dad, mom was born elly richards. my patterson grandpa is grandpa will, an' he lives in manitoba. grandpa jim an' iris live @ the milborough senior living palace, tho i think the official name is milborough manor, and the residents call it the senior living palace cuz their sense of humour.

    anthony, that bit u sed is from the bible and inspired a byrds song.

    becks, i know what u mean, some thingz r worse than death. i hope gramps recovers 2 his regular self.

    shannon, thanx, tho i meant, like, thinking of good things happening 2 gramps and him getting all better.

    oh, my mom and the whole "inflammation" thing? i don't think she got that fr. the docs, i think she was just trying 2 sound like she knowz what she'z talking abt.

    jeremy, prolly a good guess abt what i thot next. it soundz familiar. but i'm not sure, i'm blanking again.

    apes

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hmph. Looks like the Milborough Police Department needs to hire some better detectives.

    Sincerely and innocently,
    Iris RICHARDS
    (Who has only been widowed once, thank you very much)

     

  • At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April:

    I was one of the paramedics who responded to the 911 call at the apartment of Jim and Iris Richards. If Sgt. Royalston is right about this, it could explain a few things. When my partner and I arrived at the apartment, Mrs. Richards had thrown herself on top of Mr. Richards' body. She is a hefty older lady and is probably what doctors would call "morbidly obese." Mr. Richards was having a really hard time breathing with her lying on his chest like that, but she wouldn't get off him. My partner and I had to drag her off him, kicking and screaming. She even tore his shirt from trying to hang on.

    My partner and I were suspicious of her, so we hung around after delivering Mr. Richards to the ER and we questioned Mrs. Richards. We asked her, "Why were you lying on top of your dying husband's chest?" She wouldn't answer us. She just kept hanging on to an unattractive man with Coke bottle glasses, a bulbous nose, and a giant chin. The man was about 20-30 years younger than her, and my partner thought she might be coming on to him, because she was hanging on to him quite persistently, demanding constant hugs. Maybe he is the man she wants to be her next husband?

    We also questioned the other lady who was in the apartment when we arrived, a Mrs. Patterson, who I'm guessing is related to you. We found out from her that she and Mrs. Richards did not call 911 right away when Mr. Richards became ill. She says they stared at him for five minutes, yelled at him for five minutes, and then shook him for ten minutes. Five minutes into the shaking, Mrs. Patterson left Mrs. Richards to do the shaking on her own and called the paramedics. This delay is very unusual. People usually call 911 right away when someone they love passes out like this, especially an older person like Mr. Richards.

    The whole thing was very strange, so we notified the police officer who is stationed at the ER about the situation.

    I Googled "Iris and Jim Richards" and found your blog. I notice that most of the people here seem eager for Mr. Richards to die. And Mrs. Richards and Mrs. Patterson were acting in strange ways counterproductive to saving him. Is he a very evil man or something?

    Sincerely yours,
    Leif Sayver, EMT

     

  • At 6:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mr. sayver, no, gramps is nice. i don't know y ne1 wd want him 2 die.

    april

     

  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I hate to correct my fiancée Becky about something very important to her, but I have no intention of throwing her out on an ice floe, in the event she becomes stuck in a wheelchair. The traditional Viking funeral involves setting a boat on fire, and I was thinking about a boat on Lake Ontario, but there is the danger of catching the whole lake on fire. Becky is afraid she is going to go like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby and fall over her dog or get sucker punched by Marjee Mahaha and hit her head on something which will paralyze her for life. She is pretty set on the ice floe idea, but is not hot on the idea that in her last few hours of life she wouldn’t have anything interesting to look at except for melting ice. She is considering an ice floe with an entertainment system hooked up.

    Your grandfather’s illness has put us into some interesting discussions. For example, if I am killed in prison after your sister puts me there for going after her, how long does Becky have to wear black before she can get another fiancé? The Vikings have pretty specific rules for mourning, but black is not one of Becky’s best colours, and as her dead fiancé, I certainly wouldn’t want her to make a fashion faux pas.

    So many things to think about, and all thanks to your grandpa, who is not an evil man at all. By the way, I hope he is feeling better.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Miss Patterson:
    Sgt. Royalson here again. Forgive my seeming error in my previous message. I of course realize that your vegetative grandfather is named Richards. Our hope is that Widow Richards (if I may call her that already) will now become overconfident, thinking we are all dumb "Newfies" on the force, and perhaps show her hand. I can show you Interpol records confirming her seven prior marriages to wealthy gentlemen named Pazlewski, Shapiro, O'Neil, Wainwright, Crater, Ojibaway,and Lefkowitz, respectively. Again, the fact that they all died in precisely the same way proves nothing, but we leave no stone unturned. Trusting you will have a pleasant evening, I remain ever vigilent.

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    BTW, your Grandfather Patterson also doesn't look too well. Has Iris "Black Widow" Richards sent him some of her famous "Grampa Chow" as well? Let's hope not.
    Sgt. Royalson, RCMP

     

  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Sgt. Royalson",

    My name is Beauchamp W. Higginbottom, Esq., and I am representing Ms. Iris Richards.

    My client advised me that she was being defamed on this weblong (hereafter called 'blog"). I read your posts and became very interested in the allegations against Mrs. Richards, so I decided to do a bit of research.

    As I suspected, a phone call to the Ontario Provincial Police Internal Affairs department revealed there is, in fact, no such "Sgt Robert Royalson" on the force. Further, there is no such EMT by the name of Leif Sayver.

    The Ontario Provincial Police are taking this matter very seriously. Impersonating an officer is a criminal act. It's not "funny" or "just a joke" - it's a serious crime with serious consequences.

    The young people who frequent this board should take heed to the above. Fraud is not funny, and sullying a person's good name as a joke is not only cruel, but cause for legal action.

    Miss Patterson, someone from my firm will be in touch. You can also expect a visit and/or phone call from the OPP. Be prepared to provide the names and phone numbers of your internet service providers. We have already been in contact with your blog's hosting service.

    Sincerely,
    Beauchamp W. Higginbottom, Esq.
    Higginbottom and Crump

     

  • At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Beauchamp W. Higginbottom,

    My name is Ben B. Benis, and I am representing Mr. Howard Bunt.

    My client advised me that you were pursuing a case of fraud on this blog (hereafter called “real blog”). I read your post and I wish to advise you that my client, Mr. Bunt had nothing whatsoever to do with the officer impersonation of Sgt Robert Royalson or the EMT impersonation of EMT Leif Sayver and this fraud investigation should not be considered evidence in his case “R. + A Perfect Patterson v. Howard Bunt” (hereafter called “my client’s ride to prison”). My client has been in my office all afternoon, and I have personally observed all his computer postings, which have been directed towards investigation of proper medical treatment of a stroke and transvestite opera singing websites. If you seek to include my client in your investigation, the firm of Benis & Associates will use all our legal resources to protect our client.

    Sincerely,
    Benjamin Bench Benis, LL.B., Q.C.
    Benis & Associates LLP

     

  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, there'z sum heavy stuff going on here. it's hard 4 me 2 focus cuz i'm so worried abt my gramps, but my isp is "milborough hispeed dsl".

    april

     

  • At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    As we suspected, Iris Pazlewski Shapiro O'Neil Wainwright Crater Ojibaway Lefkowitz Richards has indeed now shown her hand. While a real grieving widow-to-be would be at her dear husband's bedside, holding his limp hand and sponging drool from his weak chin, the defendant (as we all now call her to save valuable time) was busy retaining high-priced legal counsel. "The wicked flea, even when no man pursueth, while the righteous are bold as a lion," if I may quote the classics. I believe I am not disclosing any confidences by assuring you that an arrest is imminent.

     

  • At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    don't worry abt it howie, i called gerald an' he sez he totally understandz my feelings an' will toss me on the ice floe when the time comes. i promised 2 do the same 4 him. sumtimez when ur life partners r not supportive of ur final wishes, u have 2 look 2 the members of ur culture/religion 2 do the "rite" thing 4 u.

    that patterson pun is in honor of grampa jim. apes, if he lives, i hope his new brain damage duzn't make him 2 annoying 2 live w/.

    neway, like i wuz saying, me an' gerald have fiance an' pre-fiancees who just do not get the importance of following all the viking traditions.

    howie, the tradition is not 2 put a living person on a boat an' set it on fire. 1st u throw the old an' useless peep out on a ice floe 'til he or she is ded. it is selfish an' dishonorable 4 a viking 2 b a burden on his or her family. 1ce u can't hold up ur axe, u just shouldn't live nemore. then u put the ded body on a burning longship. duh.

    like i sed, ger knows all that. we had a nice long talk. he can b so dreamy sumtimez. we have a nice understanding now. ger is such a super guy. he has soft hands 4 a viking.

    becks

     

  • At 10:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    don't worry abt it howie, i called gerald an' he sez he totally understandz my feelings an' will toss me on the ice floe when the time comes. i promised 2 do the same 4 him. sumtimez when ur life partners r not supportive of ur final wishes, u have 2 look 2 the members of ur culture/religion 2 do the "rite" thing 4 u.

    that patterson pun is in honor of grampa jim. apes, if he lives, i hope his new brain damage duzn't make him 2 annoying 2 live w/.

    neway, like i wuz saying, me an' gerald have fiance an' pre-fiancees who just do not get the importance of following all the viking traditions.

    howie, the tradition is not 2 put a living person on a boat an' set it on fire. 1st u throw the old an' useless peep out on a ice floe 'til he or she is ded. it is selfish an' dishonorable 4 a viking 2 b a burden on his or her family. 1ce u can't hold up ur axe, u just shouldn't live nemore. then u put the ded body on a burning longship. duh.

    like i sed, ger knows all that. we had a nice long talk. he can b so dreamy sumtimez. we have a nice understanding now. ger is such a super guy. he has soft hands 4 a viking.

    becks

     

  • At 4:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I decided that I have gotten tired of listening to you complain about memory loss in your Blog entries. Therefore, I will recount to you the story of how I came to learn about Grandpa Jim’s stroke.

    It was a dark and stormy night. Deanna was dealing with the children as she normally does. Then the night was made even darker and stormier by a phone call from Mr. Archie Andrews about the deadline for some freelance work I am doing. The disadvantage to working at home is that people think they can call you at all times of the night to ask about what you have been doing. Mr. Andrews is one of the worst. “Do you know when the project is due, Patterson? I have to have those love sonnets ready for my date with Veronica Lodge tomorrow. If I don’t have them, then Reggie Mantle wins the contest and he gets to go out with Veronica.” I am tempted to respond, “I could get this project done, if I wasn’t constantly on the phone with you answering your questions about when it is due.” Of course, a Patterson would never say anything that rude, so I just said, “Yes, I know this project is due tomorrow, Mr. Andrews” over and over again. Fortunately for me, mom called to tell me about Grandpa Jim’s stroke, so I was able to get Mr. Andrews off the phone, by telling him I had to take mom’s call. I was reaching for our black telephone, when mom’s voice piped into the cell phone I already had up to my ear. I don’t know how she did that.

    Mom said, “Mike? It’s mom. I have some terrible news. A prime rib dinner went to waste tonight. And it was a good one from Anne Nichols at the Empire Hotel. You know how good those prime rib dinners are over there? It is a tragedy. A complete tragedy.”
    I said, “What?”
    Mom said, “Oh, and your grandpa Jim had a stroke. We’re here at hospital.”
    I said, “Grandpa Jim has had a stroke?”
    Mom said, “I just said that. Are you repeating what I say back to me?”
    I said, “Yes.”
    Mom said, “Well stop it.”
    I said, “Uh huh…”
    Mom said, “And stop using those ellipses too. You’re not special needs.”
    I said, “Uh huh,”
    Mom said, “We are waiting for the inflammation in your grandpa’s head to go down, so the doctors can tell us just how much damage has been done. As soon as we find out, we’ll let you know how he is…”
    I said, “As soon as you know how he is…”
    Mom said, “Stop repeating me and stop using those ellipses.”
    I said, “Uh huh…We will.”
    Mom said, “Ellipses! Michael. Ellipses! “
    I said, “And mom?”
    Mom said, “Yes, Michael.”
    I said, “…I’m so sorry.”

    Mom was furious with my last ellipse, even though I was apologizing. It was worth it to slide it in. Even as I rejoiced in getting that joke in, my problems suddenly seemed so unimportant. So, I said it to Deanna, only I realized afterwards, I forgot to phrase it as a question instead of a statement. I’ve noticed our family has a difficulty with posing questions anymore, even when the sentences really should be questions. My beloved Deana sympathized with me, by placing her hand on my back. I thought about our Grandpa, suffering from the effects of a stroke. No longer able to get around very well. No longer able to speak coherently. Really not that different, now that I think about it. But it’s too early to tell. Deanna and I hope that Grandpa Jim has a full and complete recovery, and he is just as coherent and mobile as before, except maybe more mobile and more coherent.

    That’s how I found about Grandpa Jim’s stroke.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Sgt Royalson",

    Please be advised that further postings as a member of the police department (to which we have determined you are not, and to which you have not disputed) will only further the criminal charges of impersonating a law enforcement officer.

    As to your assertion that Mrs. Richards was "obtaining high-priced legal counsel" instead of "grieving for her husband", may I point out that:
    1) her husband, Jim Richards, is in fact still alive and
    2) I personally came to visit the Richards' when Iris's daughter called me to inform me of Jim's stroke. Mrs. Richards has not left her husband's side since he fell ill.

    I'm not sure what kind of game you're playing, "sir", but I assure you this prank is not funny.

    Sincerely,
    Beauchamp W. Higginbottom

     

  • At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Mr. Benis,

    It's a pleasure to be speaking to you, as I have admired your work for quite some time. Your recent work on the Bunt case has been making for excellent water-cooler discussions at our firm of Higginbottom and Crump.

    Let me assure you that your client, Howard Bunt, is in no way a suspect. The P.I. we are retaining elimated Mr. Bunt as a suspect almost immediately during his investigation.

    I participate in a roundtable discussion with a group of attorneys every Tuesday night. We have cocktails and dinner and lively discussions about cases now and in the past. I would be honored if you would attend one of our discussions sometime. If you are interested, please give my secretary a call and she will inform you on the next meeting place.

    Again, it's a pleasure. Keep up the good work.

    Sincerely,
    Beauchamp W. Higginbottom
    Higginbottom and Crump

     

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    Stepping away from my official capacity for a moment, if I may, I can only shake my head at the rapacity of the legal profession, as the notorious ambulance-chasers hover at this poor man's bedside, awaiting his demise in the hopes that some pocket change may dribble from his pockets as his body heaves convulsively for one last time, rendering up the soul of a genuine Canadian war veteran. Returning to my professional demeanor, I am pleased to inform you that we have now concluded our investigation of this matter and determined that no real crime has occurred. Rather, we accept the fact that one L. Johnston sapped all the life out of Mr. Richards years ago, as she did all of the other members of this family. Accordingly, the soon-to-be-decedent was already effectively dead when the dog biscuit was inserted in his larynx. Under Canadian law, Iris can go free, with the thanks of Her Majesty's government.

     

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