Becky talks and I make st00pid faces
More abt our bus ride home Tuesday. But B4 I start, disclaimer 4 Mike since he confuses so easily. Purpose of 2day's entry? NOT mocking Becky. Just telling what happened on the bus. And there are NO puns in 2day's entry, spoken or thot. Now that I've got that out of the way....
Beckers was all, "Seriously! It is so hard 2 B famous! U have 2 B 'on' all the time. My looks, my clothes, my performances all have 2 B perfect!! Ppl xxpect me 2 have brilliant replies 2 questions I've been asked 100x B4. If I lose my temper, I'm a spoiled brat. If I'm tired, 'I can't take the pace.' Wherever I go, there'z alwayz sumbody watching me. They're either there 2 make sure I don't 'wreck my image' ...Or 2 take pictures if I do. U're lucky U're still in the same band I started in, April.....U'll never have 2 deal w/all this." Ooh, slam on our band. When Becks sed this last bit, I felt my bangs part themselves, mayB from the heat of my forehead, and I kind of looked upwards, prolly w/a kinda "glowery" look on my face, which I'm sure made me look a new flavour of fugs.
NEway, Becks opened her bookbag and she showed me sum of the pix the tabs have published of her when she's offguard. Howard already mentioned one of them yesterday. Thoze photogs R way harsh!
Apes
Beckers was all, "Seriously! It is so hard 2 B famous! U have 2 B 'on' all the time. My looks, my clothes, my performances all have 2 B perfect!! Ppl xxpect me 2 have brilliant replies 2 questions I've been asked 100x B4. If I lose my temper, I'm a spoiled brat. If I'm tired, 'I can't take the pace.' Wherever I go, there'z alwayz sumbody watching me. They're either there 2 make sure I don't 'wreck my image' ...Or 2 take pictures if I do. U're lucky U're still in the same band I started in, April.....U'll never have 2 deal w/all this." Ooh, slam on our band. When Becks sed this last bit, I felt my bangs part themselves, mayB from the heat of my forehead, and I kind of looked upwards, prolly w/a kinda "glowery" look on my face, which I'm sure made me look a new flavour of fugs.
NEway, Becks opened her bookbag and she showed me sum of the pix the tabs have published of her when she's offguard. Howard already mentioned one of them yesterday. Thoze photogs R way harsh!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:49 AM
9 Comments:
At 11:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Becky! I totally know what you're going thru! I have a piece of advice that I wish I'd remember to follow myself. If you can't be bothered to wear undergarments, whether it's because you don't like them, need air, have no clean wash, or leave them off to avoid panty lines, like Paris "Classy Broad" Hilton, then make sure you wear pants. Because if you don't wear undies, and you wear a dress, you can just bet those paparazzi/Pavarotti types will be there with their cameras the mo your dress flies up in a gust of wind or rides up while you have a coughing fit in the back of a car.
HTH,
Linds
At 12:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, guyz, u know what? when i woke up this morning, i didn't realize liz wasn't here! i just got a txt from her saying she drove all nite & was writing fr. paul's! she an' apul were abt 2 leave 4 a nature hike and sed she'd e-mail me abt it l8rz. i'll write abt it 2morrow morning, prolly!
apes
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I really don't have anything to add right now, but I'm tired of seeing "2 comments".
Eva
At 7:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April,
Howard sends his apologies for his absence from your comments thus far today. His lawyer, Mr. Benis, is having us take increasingly desperate measures to improve Howard's image in Milborough. He keeps chirping out lines like, "Mr. Bunt, my services are both professional and creative, or as I like to say, pro-creative. When Benis partners with Bunt, I am confident we can pro-create together!" And he sort of meshes his fingers and waggles them.
Anyway, he insisted we be seen around town behaving "couply" and "romantic" at the Milborough Museum, the Milborough Symphony, and the Milborough animal shelter. Then, in the spirit of volunteerism, we had to give "time, not money" at the Milborough Public Library and the Milborough Senior Living Palace. Howard tells me he wants to be the one to share the "deets" on these adventures, when he has a spare moment!
Marjee
At 9:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Becky! Lindsay told me about your undergarment problem. She and I really know, because, you know, I used to call her firecrotch until she started going around without underwear and I knew I had been like completely calling her the wrong name, if you know what I mean, you know. But Lindsay has learned that little Paris secret of airing it out. She copies me a lot, even though she hasn’t done a sex video yet. You see, you don't have to be an heiress to look like one, if you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one. There are so many heiresses with sex videos. I mean there was…whatever, I’ll have my publicist send you a list. Just remember, Becky, people are going to judge you. They are going to say, “Rebecca, she uses money to get what she wants." You just tell them, “Whatever, I haven't accepted money from anyone since I was 14. I've worked my ass off and things on my ass off. I have things no heiress has. I've done it all on my own, like a hustler. Some would say like a street hustler, but I just say, “Whatever.” That’s a good answer for a lot of questions, you know.
Just remember your inner heiress, and you’re hot,
Paris
At 10:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Wow, you have a lot of celebrities on your blog. LL and this generation's Madame Steinheil.
I finally worked up the nerve to look at myself in the mirror. It's a little strange, practically no body hair or eybrows or anything, and the little bit that's left is octagon shaped. I can't tell if I look intimidating or if I should be wearing chaps in a Pride Parade.
At first I was sorry Liz was out of town this weekend because I wanted her opinion on my new look. Then Donna went to work with her eyebrow pencils, and, well, I look a little like the weird narrator guy from the beginning of Zardoz.
No training today because Sensei had to go back to the States for something. Which is just as well, there are all these crows outside attracted by the "Bear Balm." You look out into Francoise's swingset and sandbox and it looks like something out of Alfred Hitchcock.
Best,
Anthony
At 11:36 PM,
howard said…
April,
Marjee told you the big list of places we visited today to try improve my standing in the community at the suggestion of my lawyer, Mr. Benis, in preparation for the trial. I am amazed Marjee could restrain herself not to tell some of these herself, but here is my account of the proceedings:
The Milborough Museum. Normally, kissing Marjee is not a problem, but Mr. Benis wanted Marjee and me to kiss in front of every single painting which had a romantic display. Unfortunately, the current exhibit is a collection of William-Adolphe Bouguereau’s paintings, which included, Cupidon, La Danse, Dusk (The Return of Spring), Evening Mood, The First Kiss, and Nymphs and Satyr. By the time we got the The Knitting Girl, the crowd around said, “Well, aren’t you two going to start knitting now? You’ve acted out all the other ones.” I don’t think I generated any good will with that crowd.
The Milborough Symphony. Thankfully Mr. Benis wanted Marjee and me simply to sit together holding hands and nodding approval occasionally to the music. I thought this was a fine idea, until I saw the programme was an evening of variations on Pachelbel’s Canon in D. Marjee’s nodding soon turned into nodding off, and I must say, her snore is a little indelicate to a concertgoers’ ears. It didn’t help that Marjee kept saying, “If you elbow me one more time Howard, I swear I am going to walk out of here.” Between the sleep-inducing concert selection and Marjee’s outbursts, we were asked to leave at intermission. I am pretty sure we made no friends with that crowd.
Milborough Animal Shelter The less said about this adventure the better. All I really have to say is that the Milbourough Animal Shelter should better check when they have dogs in heat, when people who are sensitive to those kinds of smells are visiting. I asked them at the door if there were any dogs in heat in the shelter, and they said, “No. We check for that kind of thing.” Well, I can tell you that they don’t. That man was a flat out liar, and what happened is not my fault. It’s that liar’s fault. Not mine. And no matter what anyone tells you, I did not break all those animals out.
Milborough Public Library I volunteered in the children’s story-telling time, which I frankly thought was going great, until the library asked that I stop telling the children the story about how the author of The Selfish Giant was persecuted for being gay. It didn’t end well.
The Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace Marjee and I had our first successful outing here as we refereed the scooter races on the lawn. The residents loved the idea, but the staff was not as amused. By the way, your grandpa Jim did pretty well, despite the fact that your step-grandmother Iris kept on declaring another scooter to be the winner and trying to take him off with her. Fortunately, the other scooter man’s wife stopped Iris each time.
That’s about it. I think it was at least partially successful, even though it was not perfect.
Howard Bunt
At 12:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes, hello, that wuz not a slam on ur band!!! omg, considering how many times u guyz have talked shit abt me just 4 b-coming famous, i figged that ur band wouldn't ever even try 2 get noticed xcept at r school! i mean just the other day b4 we got on the bus 2gether, dunc wuz talking abt my fame in that horrible sneery tone of voice that made it clear that fame = evil. i figged since u didn't correct him on that that u agreed, fame sucks an' u don't want it. i know ur dad alwayz tells u that. sheesh.
i'll tell u the real reason i'm glad i'm not in ur band nemore--how u guyz say 1 thing, but then get mad if ne1 assumes u meant it. yikes.
xxcuse me, i have 2 go look up those paintings howie talked abt now, an' if there's nething more then kissing in them, marjee is gonna get a axe in the back of her skull 2nite. bad enuff she is stealing my icelandic fiance, but u know the fiendish an' insatiable milboro paparazzi is gonna b all ovah that story, making me look like a idiot.
becks
At 12:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
No, you misunderstood. You just assumed I drove all night to go visit Paul because I said I spent today on a nature hike with him. But nothing could be further from the truth! When I woke up this morning, I was in the car with Paul, and we were driving out to this nature trail! He said, "Hello, sleepyhead!" and I said, "How did I get here?" and Paul said, "Beats me. I don't know how I got here either. All of a sudden, I woke up in this car and directions to the nature trail were taped to the steering wheel."
I asked Paul, "Where are we?" And he said, "I'm not really sure. I figure it could be near Mtigwaki, or near Milborough, or anywhere in between!" And I said, "Paul, this is such a puzzle. I just started a new job. I shouldn't have had time to see you until Christmas! I should be home, grading papers! I want to make a good impression! I am already slacking off by having to go to court and testify! What will my principal think if I visit you on the weekends?" And Paul said, "Gosh, Liz, what I'm worried about is I wasn't scheduled to have a weekend off for the rest of this year! I'm probably missing work for this!"
I said, "We should turn around and see if we can find my car. I need to drive home. If I start driving now, I will get to Milborough just in time to grade some papers and iron my Sensible Schoolmarm outfit for Monday." Then Paul handed me a piece of paper. He said, "This letter was taped to the steering wheel also. It says that we should enjoy today. It says we were magically teleported here, and we will be magically teleported back home sometime on Sunday."
I said, "Paul, don't be silly. There is no such thing as magic." And Paul said, "The letter is signed, 'The Good Witch of the North.'" I said, "Oh, that's different then. Mom knows her. Does the letter say what we're supposed to do?" I looked at the letter. It said we should frolic through the woods on the nature trail and enjoy the 'fall foliage.' I said to Paul, "Oh, that sounds like fun. I've never seen foliage before! Also, the leaves are turning colors right now. It should be pretty!"
Paul kind of made a face and then he said, "Liz, I have an idea. You and I hardly ever get to spend time together anymore. Instead of going on this long hike, what do you say we go to my place and have 'special cuddles'?" April, you won't know what I'm talking about, so I will explain. 'Special cuddles' is what two people who really, really like each other but they aren't married yet. They lay down together in bed, and get very close together. They are wrapped in some sheets. Then the parents of one of the members of the couple puts a long board between the boy and the girl, like an ironing board. Then they are wrapped up very, very tight so they can cuddle and kiss, but there can be no hanky-panky. Mom calls it 'bundling,' but I prefer 'special cuddles.'
Anyway, I said to Paul, "No, if the Witch wants us to go hiking, we have to go hiking. But we can probably hold hands, and maybe even put our arms around each other. People do that when they hike." Then Paul asked me, "Can we kiss?" I looked at the letter again and told him no. "The letter only talks about hiking. People can't kiss while they hike. The Witch did not give us permission to kiss." Then Paul said some Ojjebbweigh words I don't know. When I asked him what they meant, he said they were a special communication from him to the Witch. I think it's nice he is starting to respect my family's religious beliefs.
Anyway, we went hiking. It was nice. We saw leaves and held hands. Also, we did sit down at one point, which I only let us do because Paul pointed out that all people have to take a rest when they are hiking. He tried to kiss me, but I pointed out that while resting is necessary, kissing during the rest is not. I don't want to break any Witch rules.
Paul was kind of quiet after that and he seemed to have this funny, scrunched-up look on his face, so I decided to distract him with some conversation. So I said, "We're incredibly rich, Paul." And Paul said, "We are?" And I said, "No amount of money could buy a day like today." And Paul said, "That's true. I don't think it's possible to buy magical teleportation services on the free market, at least not yet."
That's pretty much all there is to tell. We are going back to the car now. I figure we will get teleported home soon.
Liz
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