Keepin' it real
So, a lil bit after Liz's final post last nite, the hospital let her take me home. It was v. cube of Liz 2 call Ger an' get him 2 visit. He was so sweet! It's weird how Mike, Liz, and I all had these bizarre dreamz and visions. 1st me, when I was catatonic, going in2 this other reality where I'd drowned in the ravine cuz we didn't have Farley. Then Mike having a dream abt how he never b-came a writer an' he ended up homeless, eating in soup kitchenz. Then Liz having one abt being a ski instructor in BC and having a free, happy kinda life but Mom being all bitter abt no grandbabiez.
NEhoodles, more abt the story I started 2 tell U yesterday. U'll remember that on Tuesday, Becky, who's apparently dropped the "H" in Rebbecah, asked me 2 help her w/an essay during a spare period. After school, Dunc was all, "U helped 'Rebecca' with another essay?" And Eva was, like, "She'z just using U, April." I was all, "I don't care. I've known her since pre-K. She hasn't had the easiest life, guyz." And Dunc sed, "Well, she'z got it easy now! She has two albums out, she'z on TV, she's invited 2 perform all over Canada an' she'z treated like sum kind of goddess!!!" Then, as we were walking down the front stairs out of the school, Eva picked up on the whole "goddess" line w/"Seriously--Y does she even come 2 this school? Y wd she wanna hang w/mortals?!" And I was, like, "MayB we're the only part of her world that's real!" And, like, if that's true, wdn't it B nice if the "real" part of Becks's world didn't just harsh on her all the time! Esp. Eva, who really just got here, and can't B pissed @ Becky over the whole band thing, which we really need 2 B over, like so many yesterdays ago.
NEway, I think every1 needs 2 chill on the Becky bashing. MayB channel all that "oh noooes, it's not fair" jealousy in2 practicing harder an' making our band better than it is, eh?
Apes
NEhoodles, more abt the story I started 2 tell U yesterday. U'll remember that on Tuesday, Becky, who's apparently dropped the "H" in Rebbeca
NEway, I think every1 needs 2 chill on the Becky bashing. MayB channel all that "oh noooes, it's not fair" jealousy in2 practicing harder an' making our band better than it is, eh?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:57 AM
13 Comments:
At 10:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
eva--bite me u krazee ho! y do u even come 2 r skool? it's more my skool then urs, new girl! u can't run me outta here just cuz u wanna b "queen of the cowboyz" or whatevs.
dunc--i m like totally feeling btrayed. i m guessing ur acting like this just cuz ur hoping eva will give u a little sumthin-sumthin if ur all down w/ the rebeccah hate.
o, an' it's still "rebeccah," i just have trub pronouncing that h that dad insists i have 2 use.
apes, i m sorry i totally got pissy w/ u the other day. u helped me w/ my essay, which wuz totally cube, an' now i find out u stood up 2 dunc an' eva 4 me an' that is a real friend. u r so rite, going 2 skool is like the only normal thing in my life rite now. on 1 hand, dad is all in2 making me famous. then on the other hand, my icelandic gay fiance/housekeeper/best friend/former dog is about 2 go on trial 4 going after my other best friend's sister. i have 2 have a fake dominican fiance 2 save face while my icelandic fiance pretends 2 b engaged 2 my slutty half-sis. my koolest bf 2 date iz gone cuz his mom found out abt all this shizz that's going on w/ me. now i have 2 c him in the halls w/ shannon lake putting the moves on him. meanwhile i know the witch of corbeil is hanging ovah me just w8ing 2 throw more bad stuff my way. it totally sucks.
i like going 2 skool w/ u all cuz it's boring. i even like it when shannon lake makes faces at me in the halls. i even like when i have 2 scream "wtf is ur problem, cowgirl?!?" an' "u wanna have a showdown?!?" at eva when she shoots me the h8 looks by the lockers in the morning. cuz that is normal teenage girl shizz. well, not eva's cowgirl insanity. but the other stuff.
so thank u. i hope we r still cube.
becks
At 11:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Speaking of practicing, I attended a free information seminar and first lesson at the Rex Kwon Do franchise in Milborough last night and it "rawked." From this day on I will be a changed man.
The only other person at the free information seminar was some kid who got picked up twenty minutes later by his mom, who I guess parked him there while she ran some errands or something because she had dry cleaning from the place next door. So for the second half I had Sensei's full attention.
It started late because Sensei was on the phone, something about Chapter 11 and steroids and lawyers and having to leave jurisdiction on assault charges...gol, is any one in Milborough not dealing with lawyers all the time?
The Dojo was really cool. It used to be that candle store that was also sorta a head shop so it had kind of an ancient temple incense smell. There were mats everywhere and practice weapons on the wall.
Anyway, Sensei finally got going and told us all the mystic powers and lethal streetfighting skills we'd learn if we devoted ourselves to the Rex Kwon Do art, which is based on secret ancient techniques as old as Bushido and Taoism and Lo Mein sauce and maybe older even. He spent two years of fighting in the Octagon, and only the top two percent ever make it that long there without being paralyzed or having serious brain injury. The parked kid laughed and said something about "tough luck being in the lower 98" so Sensei used him to demonstrate for the exhibition.
Here are some changes you'll see in the new RKD Anthony:
-I need someone to watch my back at all times. Does anyone want to apply and take some of these cool lessons with me?
-Image discipline. Rex Kwan Do is about walking tall and looking good. Sensei suggested getting tinted high-contrast shooting glasses, though he did like my 'stache. He showed me an old picture where he had this really cool Zapata-style one from when he worked in Texas. He had to shave it because air resistance slows you down, and a split second loss of speed from air resistance may make the difference between life and a lethal roundhouse kick to the head in the Octagon.
-Self respect. It helps to have a really hot woman to go home to. I told Sensei I was working on that.
He asked me what kind of experience in the martial arts I had so I told him about the time I snuck up behind Howard, choked him, and then twisted his ear. Let me tell you, Sensei was very impressed. "So you've been to the heart of darkness and come back. You are part of an elite cadre, Anthony. I'd be proud to have you watch my back in the Octagon." It would have been a lot more moving if he hadn't mispronounced "cadre" but I still had to fight back tears.
Anyway, because I've been tested in the heat of battle he offered to put me in the special Rex Kwon Do elite training he developed called Rex Hai Keeba. So far I'm the only one who qualified for this honor thanks to experience and amount of home equity. Sensei is very careful about who gets this kind of training because terrorists could use it to topple entire governments and threaten our freedom.
Sensei is very practical about how he runs his dojo. He doesn't try to make money selling fancy martial arts uniforms, because who gets into a lethal streetfighting situation when they've got a uniform on? He recommends his special label of loose-fitting pants and polo shirts with the Rex Kwan Do franchise silhouette. His gym pants were really cool, a big maple leaf on one leg and Wayne Gretzky on the other. Perfect for delivering lethal roundhouse kicks to the head. So if you see a guy strolling down the street in those bad boys I highly suggest you don't mess with him. Unfortunately he was backordered on those so I had to make do with "Hello Kitty."
After signing for my 52 week session I had to take an oath:
"From this day on I shall respect Rex. I shall never misuse Rex Kwon Do. I shall be a champion of Freedom and Justice."
I'm on my way to developing the strength of a grizzly, the quickness of a puma, and the wisdom of a man, just as soon as my check clears, probably today. My first lesson in Rex Hai Keeba will come this afternoon. Hope Gordo doesn't mind if I sneak out for a couple of hours.
Anthony
At 1:52 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
I think we're all looking forward to you developing the wisdom of a man, Anthony. This must be some program.
Luann
At 2:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends,
I am sorry to read it sounds like you are still being hoodwinked by that horrible Becky McGuire girl, remember, she is engaged to the man who tried to go after me and you are supposed to be on my side, when are you going to start helping me on my campaign to get the death penalty started again in Canada for people who commit crimes against Pattersons? I mean if we had this law, Kortney Krelbutz would be dead for threatening to punch you, wouldn't you like that? I need your help, I have only made one poster so far and Anthony says that "Bring back short-drop hanging for Pattersons, they deserve torture before they die" is not a good poster because it is not catchy and also makes it sound like Pattersons are the ones who should get hung and tortured instead of the people who do crimes on them, I tried to change it by inserting a carrot with the words I wanted changed but Anthony said that did not get my message across well enough, he is such a good friend, I wish he had more time to help me, but his Rex Kwan Do takes up a lot of time, but that's good, he can protect me, since Paul is not here and he has never drawn his gun in the line of duty, since his job is more like as a counselor or a social worker since there is so little crime up north he probably would not be very good at protection, he is out of practice, and also Anthony says the police are lazy and do not think it is their job to protect people, all they do is come shovel up the dead body parts once a crime is over. I don't want to be dead body parts, so I am going to let Anthony be my body guard, it will make me feel safer since Becky and Howard have those big scary bodyguards who might try to go after me, have you seen Mr. Bockandcalls? I did the other night, he was with her and we saw each other at the Rexall in the aisle for lady items and he is huge and scary, when he saw me he swelled up and got all purple like he was mad, I thought he might explode on me at any moment, I don't even want to see what kind of psycho is guarding Howard.
Anyway, school is going better after the intervention, they think I am all cured of the drinking problem that I never had anyway, I mean what is wrong with a little social drinking, nothing, that's what I say, and I love my job. I read what Paul wrote about Susan saying I should of learned more than two students' names up in Mtigwaki and I decided to take that as constructive criticism so today on top of the loveable scamp's name which I alreadly learned I tried to pay attention really hard when I was passing back the graded assignments, I think I picked up a couple more names, but then I had a better idea, instead of learning their names I decided to give them all spirit names so they could learn the native ways, I'm such a great teacher, this kind of work on improving myself even when I am already so awesome just goes to show I deserve an award.
Liz
At 3:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I just got pulled out of class a few minutes ago to take a phone call, it was from a staffer for some guy named Dick Cheney. Anyway, the man said that Mr. Cheney likes my "bold pro-torture message" and he was wondering if by any chance I was actually an American, I said no, I'm Canadian threw and threw and the man said he was very sorry to hear that, that it would have been really beneficial for him to make me a spokesmodel for the pro-torture camp because torture could use an attractive young all-American girl face, I said, "Well, I'm not in favor of torture at camp anyway, just for people who do bad things to Pattersons, summer camp should be fun." Then the man said "Wow, you're really a school teacher?" and I said, "Yes, I enjoy the challenge, but don't admire me too much, I already have enough man admirers and I don't need my life to be any more complicated, and besides, I don't do long-distance relationships." The man said okay and hung up, you know, those Americans are pretty nice people, no matter what Mom says about it.
Liz
At 3:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wud prolly wanna talk ‘bout that “mayb we're the only part of her world that's real!" stuff u sed, cuz u know i’m a part of rebecca’s performance & skool world, doin’ her sound & lites & n sum of her classes & i kinda like 2 think i am real. but i am way depressed rite now. glen moby, u know the guy frum the yrbook who likes 2 wear the boars jacket n violation of the skool dress code, he sed he saw duncan puttin’ his arm ‘round eva. i went 2 talk 2 eva ‘bout it, & i saw the same kinda thing, mr. purple lips had hiz handz on her. i wuz pretty mad, but wut am i gonna do?
i sed sumthin’ 2 rebecca ‘bout it & she sed “eva iz a krazee ho & duncan wunts her so bad he iz actin’ like he did last year wen he wuz tellin’ every1 i wuz roadside & a gig.” rebecca iz blamin’ eva 4 wut duncan iz doin’ but i think it mayb the othah way ‘round.
w/o eva 2 help me w/homework & doing all the stuff w/rebecca’s biz, i’m gonna get rilly b-hind, so i decided 2 sign up 4 a tutor n the library. the peep @the learning resources centre sed i wud get a tyme & a tutor assigned 2 me based on my schedule. he sed this weird thing. “i hope u don’t mind if ur tutor iz a goth girl, cuz thass mainly who haz signed up 2 tutor.” i sed i didn’t mind cuz a lotta tymez i think death & homework shud go 2getha.
rebecca sed the skool wuz assignin’ her sum named case 2b her personal tutor, since howard had been tutorin’ her & he wuz prolly gonna b n jail by next month. i asked her y she wuz gettin’ a personal tutor, & rebecca sed r.p. boire wuz suckin’ up 2 her so she wud perform @the skool 4 free.
thass all. i am so depressed 'bout eva, i can't think.
At 5:15 PM,
howard said…
April,
I appreciate you helping Becky on her essay, even if your friends Eva and Duncan disapprove. Duncan’s facts are essentially correct and it is good to know he is keeping up with Becky’s career. Becky’s initial album, of which she gave you a copy back in April was self-produced, but thanks to the success of her tour over the summer, she did get a recording contract and they immediately produced a new album, which was more professionally done. It included some redone tracks from her original album, but not the Viking drinking songs her father insisted be a part of her first album.
Your answer to Eva about why Becky comes to R.P. Boire Senior Secondary School, where you said, “Maybe we’re the only part of her world that’s real.” is incorrect. Becky’s mother would love for Becky to attend a private school, but that would mean driving to and from Toronto, which she is not willing to do, and I certainly would not be able to do after your sister puts me in prison next month. Not only that but Becky’s dad Thorvald is a strong supporter of public school, because he says no proper biker chick ever came from a private school.
Also, I know this may be a shock to you since you have spent the last 10 years in school, but high school is not in any way, shape, or form like the real world. Becky’s world, where she has to learn how to make a good presentation in front of a variety of people in a variety of places in order to be successful is more of a real world situation. When you become a veterinarian and have to deal with a whole variety of different animal owners, you will understand this better.
As for me, my lawyer, Mr. Benis’ idea that I would make a sizeable charitable donation to a Milborough charity in order to attract good will to myself prior to my trial did not work. Apparently Milborough charities are not accustomed to receiving money. They expect the donations to occur in the form of leftover books or clothes. It was embarrassing to have a photographer there, and the representative of the charity kept saying, “Stop waving that checque at me and show me where you are loading the used books!” Sometimes I forget how much this town is not like the rest of the world.
By the way, should I be worried that Anthony Caine was outside Sugar's salon, when I was at work, practising roundhouse kicks in a Hello Kitty gym suit?
Howard Bunt
At 5:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
howie, try giving the charities the gift of time. that seems 2 b what the krazee types like apes's mom think is the good kind of charity around here. also u could buy sum new clothes an' kids toys an' take them 2 the charities an' say that ur evil mother-in-law gave them 2 u 2 try 2 spoil u an' buy ur luv but u r above needing such material things. mayb even throw in a lemon zester an' a ball of yarn 2 demonstrate how unmaterialistic u r.
becks
At 5:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am so proud of you, I can barely speak. Fortunately I am typing this. You appear to have mastered 2 essential parts of being a Patterson. By helping that slattern Becky McGuire with her essay, you now have official claim to being a part of her success, and Becky McGuire will be forced to acknowledge you for the rest of her life (since that was the condition of your help), much the same way Gordon Mayes has to compliment dad everytime he goes to Mayes Midtown Motors for a visit. The little money mom and dad gave Gordon to help him buy Gordon’s Garage has paid off majour dividends in compliments and obeisance, even though it is plainly obvious to everyone that Gordon’s innate business acumen had more to do with his success than mom and dad’s investment. It doesn’t matter. As long as you can take credit for someone else’s success, that’s what is important in life.
The second part is the one about which I am the most proud. You have managed to encourage your friends to insult Becky McGuire without insulting her yourself, and then made yourself look good by suddenly switching to defend Becky McGuire from your friends’ attack. I can only presume you are following mom’s masterful example of how she handled Kortney Krelbutz at her store, when she managed to get Kortney fired and charges pressed against her, without having to actually do it herself. Indirectly punishing and helping a base villain at the same time, is a hallmark of being a Patterson. Terrific work.
My congratulations, April. You are well on your way to becoming a perfect Patterson.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:49 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Those are excellent ideas and Mr. Benis agrees. I will definitely be shopping for some children’s toys and clothes this very evening. My bodyguard, Mr. Bondom, says he will definitely be there to protect me from any diseases or foreign liquids I may encounter during my shopping trip, but he says he is only 75% effective unless Mr. Bermicide, the guy who checked your house for bugs and surveillance equipment, is there. I told him 75% was good enough for shopping.
Howard Bunt
At 6:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello). I read your writings about your conversation with your friends Duncan and Eva. I did not know your friends were into goddess worship. I had thought your friends would be more Christian. Even though your sister has told me that your family has not attended a church except for weddings in many years, since you grew to be too old for you to make cute little girl religious puns, she still thinks of herself as Christian.
My people do not have goddesses. The Ojibway have manitous (spirits). The closest we have to goddesses are Muzzu-Kummik-Quae (Earth Woman) and Geezhigo-Quae (Sky Woman) who became Nokomis (Great Mother), creator of the Anishinaubaek (Good Beings). But many consider them to be like goddesses in other religions. If your closest friends are goddess-worshippers, then this could mean your family may be more accepting of the Ojibway religion when your sister and I get married.
My sweet girl said your mother participated in a sacred fire at the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) pow-wow last October, but she wasn’t sure your mother knew what she was doing. I would like my wedding to be a very traditional Anishnabe wedding, but I was afraid with your sister insisting she live in the South, this would not be possible. I am encouraged by your goddess-worshipping friends.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, we r cube.
liz, wow, when did u b-come so violent? when kortney threatened me, that was horrible, but i don't think that meanz she shda been killed 4 that!
anthony, u shd probably shave yr 'stache & yr head, 2, so u can b totally aerodynamic!
liz, dick cheney is the vice president of the u.s., fyi.
jeremy, i'm sorry u r having a tuff time.
gah, mike, y must u put a horrible "patterson" spin on everything? i was just starting 2 feel ok abt myself again. when i sed that stuff abt acknowledging me, i was being pissy an' i felt bad abt it l8r. i'm not going 2 take credit 4 becky's essay, cuz she did the work. she did need help, cuz she's had a lotta stuff going on and she fell b-hind. but she still wanted 2 do the essay, cuz she wants 2 learn stuff, like "i don't wanna b a dummy like britney or jessica". that's y she didn't just take one of the free essayz those weird-looking girls r alwayz trying 2 give her in the hallway.
the stuff dunc and eva sed? i did not get them 2 say it, that was totally them, and i called them on it.
sorry it took me so lnong 2 post 2day. ger left his fone @ home, so i didn't get 2 borrow it @ lunch 2day, and then i ended up working l8 @ lilli's.
an anishnabe wedding soundz cube, paul!
apes
p.s. gah, blogger just went down 4 maintenance while i was previewing. that's what i get 4 proofreading 2 much. my english teach was wrong abt that, i guess, lol!
At 8:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
What, "RebeccaH", isn't there a "famous girl" school you can go to, where all the students have record deals, movie contracts, book advances, or tv roles? A super-special place where you get hair and makeup when you get there in the morning, full-body massages after the staff personal trainers take you through famous-girl phys ed, fully catered lunches, and teachers who ask you a few easy questions and then tell you your answers are the best ever and you can leave early before you strain your famous brain cells?
Jeremy, I just asked Duncan to put his arm on me like that because I haven't decided if I'm going to forgive you all the way for the fake betrothal to Famous Girl.
Eva
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