Anthony as Moral Support
I know Liz gets upset when I criticize Anthony, and I wanted 2 talk 2 her abt the trial, so the other day, when she was washing pots and pans, and I was drying, I sed, "@ least U won't have 2 sit thru the trial alone, Elizabeth! ...Anthony will B w/U." Liz was all, "I've been reading abt this stuff, April. We won't B testifying @ the same time, b-cuz they'll want 2 hear our accounts of the story separately." Er, of course, what did Liz think, she'd sit in Anthony's lap in the witness stand, the judge wd go, "One, two, three", and then she an' Anthony wd tell their storiez @ THE SAME TIME?!?!?!?! I went, "NEway, U'll still have sum1 there 4 moral support!" And Liz cut me off all, "I don't want 2 think abt it, April." And I was all, "Sorry", and then I saw Liz having a thot bubble with "But...I can't stop thinking about it" while she looked all collagen-lipped and pouty. And if I weren't trying 2 B nice, I wdna sed "moral support". "Immoral support", morelike. Sorry, Liz, but he'z gonna make this trial all abt him an' trying 2 get back w/U again. Not cube.
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:56 AM
18 Comments:
At 9:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't want to think about it.
Liz
At 9:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
But, I can't help thinking about it. I talked to Miss Bipple the other day, she called me and said she was surprised I hadn't called her with questions, most people do, and she said that Anthony and I will be scheduled to testify one right after another, so we will be waiting together at the courthouse for a long time until it is our turn to talk, they won't be able to tell us exactly when we will go on so we will have to be there right from the start of the trial because who knows how long it will take for them to do this thing they do at the start of a trial, I guess it's kind of like a play, where they do statements and motions, before the witnesses go on, maybe they act out their versions of what happened?
Anyway, I can't help thinking about how Anthony and I will be waiting together on that bench outside the court room together, Miss Bipple says it's always a bench, it's more dramatic, anyway, I will be dressed in my nicest Sensible Schoolmarm suit and of course I will put on my contacts and makeup and probably even grow some lips of beauty again, I can't help doing those things around Anthony, maybe because I know he likes them so much. And I will probably need someone to hold my hand, so he can do it, but I think I might ask Mom to come along and hold the other hand too, but she will sometimes have to go to the bathroom, you know about her sphincter, and probably I think Anthony will declare his love then, it will go like this:
(Miss Bipple says we can sit in the courtroom when the verdict comes in so we will be in there, me in the middle with Anthony and Mom holding my hands.)
Jury: The verdict is, Howard Bunt is guilty of crimes against a Patterson, he gets life in prison, also he did some crimes against other ladies that were much worse, but who cares, he's in jail for life already.
Mom: Oh thank God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack just now, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom, my sphincter is acting up again.
(me and Anthony are alone in the courtroom)
Anthony: Liz, I love you, I have always loved you, that's why I married Therese, because I loved you but I thought you didn't love me, but now Therese is gone, and we're both free and your going after is revenged, so it is the perfect time.
Me: What are you getting at, Anthony?
Anthony: (gets down on one knee) (pulls out huge diamond ring) Will you marry me, Elizabeth "White Goose" Patterson?
Me: What? Where did you get such a big ring?
Anthony: Gordon is expanding the business, he bought a South African diamond mine, cool huh?
Me: Yes.
Anthony: Yes it's cool, or yes you'll marry me?
And that's as far as it goes, I don't know the rest, but I know this is how it is going to go, I can just feel it, so I can't stop thinking about it.
Liz
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don’t understand your sister. You are the nicest girl in Milborough. If you want to tell her what a great guy Anthony is for being her moral support, she should say, “Yes. You’re right. Thank you, April. You are the nicest girl in Milborough and I am lucky you are my sister.” Telling someone as nice as you, “I don’t want to think about it” is rude.
People are rude to me all the time. I know how it feels. It is worse when your sibling is rude to you. I always tell my brother Blair when he is being rude to me. He listens most of the time. My brother Blair loves me and he doesn’t like to hurt my feelings. Maybe you can tell your sister to stop being rude to you. That’s what works with my brother.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. The Lizardbreath can get completely obsessed with an idea and not let it go. Remember how she thought her old boyfriend, Eric, was a good guy when virtually everyone else thought he was scum? She had to catch him with another girl to finally convince her of his scumminess. I think she is the same way with this thought about what is going to happen with Anthony in the courtroom at Howard Bunt’s trial. She called me up and asked me to write some things for her to say, while she and Anthony are waiting outside the courtroom waiting to go in and testify.
I said, “You and Anthony are the best of friends. You shouldn’t need my help. Conversation should flow naturally.” Then Liz said, “Anthony and I have barely spoken except for chance meetings over the last 6 years. Now he’s divorced and raising a child with the help of some hired woman. We have almost nothing in common, except we were both geeky in high school and used to get drunk and kiss a lot together. He’s still geeky, but now I have fashion model good looks, and I don’t want Anthony to think I am some non-geeky girl who can only talk about throwing Howard Bunt off the planet, or substitute teachers, or how wishes don’t come true. My conversation with Anthony on the porch about subpoenas was so awkward. If I am going to be offered a South American diamond ring, I need help from my award-winning, soon to be best-selling author brother.” I was taken aback by my sister’s startling honesty, so I wrote some conversation starters for Elizabeth to use with Anthony, like:
1. How’s that sitcom Foobin’ With Mr. C going?
2. Are you ever going to trim that moustache?
3. Who takes care of your baby, while you are hanging around the trial?
4. If someone Caucasian were to adopt your baby, would she start to look less French and more Caucasian?
5. Have you ever thought about proposing to someone whom you know already has a boyfriend and what you would do if she answered, “Maybe I’ll marry you. Wait until I check out some things at Christmas.”
6. Have you ever thought of teaching a class in ear-tweaking fu?
7. Should I be mad at you for not taking me straight to the police after I was attacked last year; or simply appreciate the honest, plain and true emotions you expressed to me about wanting to commit adultery with me, that could only come from a childhood friend?
8. Did you ever do it with Candace?
9. When you first told me about your Frenchie ex-wife, you said she was working for your father’s business. Does she still work for your father, and if so, why hasn’t that been a problem in your life?
10. Do you snore?
11. Do you ever clean that moustache? I think I see something growing in it?
12. Did I just see your freckles move?
13. How would you feel if all your meals were Kraft Dinner and Oreos?
14. If I decided to move a different town, would you follow me? How often?
15. If Gordon hadn’t given you a job out of high school, who would have hired you?
16. What do you think of the current political situation?
17. Do you think the latest gas prices are justified?
18. Have you ever thought about shaving off your moustache?
19. What do you think about no sex after marriage?
20. If you got married a second time, would your parents pay for all the expenses except for the wedding dress and the photographer?
I think those will do to get some interesting conversation out of Anthony Caine. Elizabeth is going to have a great time at the Howard Bunt trial, and maybe she will get that diamond ring she (and I think a few others in our family, judging from your Blog entry) has been dreaming about.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:54 AM,
howard said…
April,
I am so glad your sister is doing some reading about trials. I like your sister, even though she getting ready to put me in prison for a long time, but I sincerely hope she does not make a complete fool of herself in the courtroom. If she is reading about trials, then we can avoid moments like her saying, “I object!” at points during the trial, or yelling “Habeus Corpus” abstractly.
When I woke up this morning, Becky had left a note which said, “Gone with Fafa Thorvald to the Dominican Republic. Don’t have sex with my whore half-sister Marjee. See you tomorrow.” It’s good Becky is taking a trip with her father. It’s been a year since her father and mother separated and now they can officially divorce, and Becky and her father have some issues they need to work out. All I can really do is give Becky moral support as she deals with these problems. I hope you will be giving Becky moral support also.
Howard Bunt
At 9:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister and washing dishes and getting moral support. Things are very different in Milborough than they are in Otter County. Many Ojibway do not trust the Ontario Provincial Police because of things which happened between the OPP and the Ojibway people. I didn’t say this, but the OPP has done many wrong things to the First Nations community.
Because of this mistrust, when an Ojibway is brought to trial, all his relatives come to court to support him, even if they know he is guilty. When I marry your sister, if she ever has to do anything in court again, she can count on my mishomis (grandfather), my noos (father), my ngashi (mother) and all my other relatives to come to the courtroom to give her moral support and to supply her with baloney and bannock to keep up her strength. It will be a lot different than having to think all the time about who is going to give her moral support, like my sweet girl is doing these days. I told my sweet girl I would be glad to take off from work, drive to Milborough, and support her during the trial; but Elizabeth said she didn’t even want to think about that, and unlike the who is giving her moral support thought, which she said she couldn’t stop thinking about, she said was going to be able to stop thinking the thought about my driving to Milborough. Then she hung up. I called her back and asked why she hung up on me and your sister said she was too busy thinking about who is giving her moral support, to think about talking to me. Your sister can be very giiwashkweyendami (confusing).
I talked to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper about it. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), when I woman is more concerned about a man being her moral support in a trial than the actual trial, it should tell you a lot about the relationship between the woman and the man.” I said, “I think it tells me more about the relationship between the woman and her family.” Chipper said, “You would. That’s the kind of guy you are. You always try to see the best in people. I hope this whole trial thing doesn’t end up hurting you badly.” I told Chipper the one I was worried about getting hurt was Elizabeth. Chipper sort of choked when I said that and changed the subject. I love the way Chipper is so in tune with other people’s feelings.
Chipper said she started a lesson about different kinds of trees in the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) school. The students asked if she was going to use a leaf press, because they were looking forward to making cheese sandwiches. Chipper told me she said to the children, “No. We are going to go outside and look at actual trees.” Then Chipper said the children were so shocked they didn’t say anything. But when they went outside, Chipper taught them how to identify every single tree close to the schoolroom by its bark, its leaves, and its root structure. Then Chipper asked each child how the tree would be used if it was cut down, and the qualities of each kind of wood. Then she tied the whole lesson into a discussion of the lumber industry, which is the main source of jobs in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and the nearby Spruce Narrows. She is thinking about taking the children on a field trip to the lumber mill in Spruce Narrows. Chipper is a great teacher. I wish Chipper would teach me something about wood.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, how the hell did i get n the dominican republic?! talk l8er.
At 11:22 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes, what do u think is better?
1) get married in the d.r. 4 reals,
or
2) pretend 2 get married in the d.r. but don't really do it.
keep in mind what is best 4 my career as well as what will help me save face in public since howie an' that slut sister of mine marjee r having a fake wedding. fafa, jer, an' i r having a little disagreement abt what would b best 4 me.
becks
ps--u don't have 2 figure in what is best 4 jer in ur d-cision, he is representing hiz own interests just fine. my eardrums hurt actually.
At 12:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, this iz the sitch. 1st rebeccah & thorvald ask me 2 have dinner 2 talk ‘bout rebeccah’z next tour, which they say iz gonna b w/overseaz d8s & i shud bring my passport so they can check it & they tell my mom it’s gonna take a long tyme 4 the talk, so i will b spendin’ the nite & my mom 4 whatevah reazn sez ok. i remembah the dinner & then i wake up the next day n a hotel n the city of puerto plata n the dominican republic. i guess the flights 2 the dominican republic r overnite. i dunno how rebeccah & thorvald got me n2 a plane & out w/o sum1 noticin’ i wuz unconscious.
so i wake up & rebeccah & thorvald r on ‘bout this fake weddin’. the only prob iz, unlike the peeps n canada who don’t seem 2 have a prob w/the legality of doin’ fake weddingz w/ur bro, the peeps in the dominican republic do. they say 2 just do the weddin’ 4 real, cuz the marriage won’t b recognized n canada neway & it will b just like a fake weddin’.
the rulez 4 gettin’ married n the dominican republic r a lot looser than canada. n order 2 get married n the dominican republic, the woman must b 15 & the man must b 16 & it duzn’t mattah ‘bout gettin’ ur ‘rents permission 4 under 18, like it duz n canada, which i guess iz the reazn rebeccah picked this place. i tried 2 xxplain that i wuzn’t 16 yet & i evn showed the peeps my skool id, but they don’t recognize r.p. boire skool id & they say it iz obvious i am least 40 yearz old, so a proof of age iz not necessary. i h8 lookin’ so old. if i looked youngah, i wud nevah have the problem that dominican republic peeps wud think i wuz eligible 2 get married.
of course, my othah prob iz i don’t have ne money & rebeccah & thorvald r kinda holdin’ the return tickie back ovah my head az a motivation. i am thinkin’ i shud just get married & get back home & let mom figger this whole thing out. the othah prob 4 rebeccah & thorvald iz the dominican republic haz community property lawz & thorvald iz afraid i will take ½ of rebeccah’z future fortune az a pop star if i have a claim of real marriage. pleaze tell rebeccah u think this whole thing iz a bad idea.
At 3:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael, I'm sure you hear this all the time, but you're brilliant. I need to come up with a list of things to talk about, because during the frequent silences between Liz and myself, all I do is think confusing thoughts.
1. What are your hobbies nowadays? All I ever see you do is worry, deal with your cat or carry stuff in from the car.
2. Someone must have put in a new gas line because you're fiercely hot. I know that isn't a question, it's more of an observation. But still.
3. Is the vacant look on your face the resut of botox injections, or are you just trying to remember the name of your sixth grade music teacher?
4. If the goal is to have three children, how many times do you think a couple has to have sex?
5. When will your menopause begin? And more importantly, when will it end?
6. Gordon is getting rid of his old mattresses. He said he'd give me a great deal on them as they're over ten years old. They'd go great in the master bedroom, and I'd really like to rid of the old stuff, which smells like Marlboros, Juicyfruit, and Arpege. How low do you think I can get him to go?
8. What do you like best about me? My world-beating parenting? The bitchin' stache? My hard-driving career in the auto fuel service industry?
9. Although I'm a single parent with a job, I seem to have a remarkable amount of spare time for car rides, trips to Lakeshore Landscaping, and porchstep chats. How do you think a man, or more importantly, a married man should spend the enormous amounts of spare time having a wife around to pick up the slack offers him?
10. How do you feel about engagement rings with "champagne" or "natural cognac" colored diamonds?
11. What color should a toddler's lips and fingernails be after you've finished washing and conditioning her hair in the tub?
12. How would you feel about a new "Mark of Caine" family spirit name: white swallows?
13. If you found a French Canadian woman choking the life out of me, just how serious a donkey punch/titty twist combo would you give her?
14. How many months is an apropriate length to agonize over an issue before deciding on a course of action that could lead to a resolution?
Thanks again, Mike.
Anthony
At 3:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
Reading the above postings I just realized. . .
I HAVE NO MORAL SUPPORT!!!!!!
At 5:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony,
Please calm down, you know that you and I have always been friends and you are one of my favorite people in the whole world and I get so excited when I am close to you that my nerves rattle, and you remind me so much of my dad, I practically consider you part of my family already, and my parents love you, so you will always have moral support, if you ever need any, all you have to do is to come to our house, Dad says we have an open door policy for the people we consider family.
By the way Paul, Dad said that I need to let him know if you will be needing an invitation to Christmas or not, were you thinking you would be coming down here? You should really let me know soon, it's good to have a lot of advance notice about guests.
Liz
At 5:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
I read your writings and you should tell your noos (father) I will need an invitation to niibaa-anama'e-giizhigadit (Christmas). I can come to Milborough for niibaa-anama'e-giizhigadit (Christmas), but I thought from your e-mail messages you were counting down to niibaa-anama'e-giizhigadit (Christmas) when you would be coming to see me in Otter County. The e-mail you sent me today said, “Paul, 103 days without your moral support until I see you again. Elizabeth.” Of course, I can come down to see you you earlier than niibaa-anama'e-giizhigadit (Christmas), or meet you halfway between Otter County and Milborough, if you agree.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Paul,
Don't be silly, I can't imagine ever spending Christmas away from my parents, I don't think I ever have, it would be much better if you came down here, it will help you get used to the south, well actually if you are trying hard for a transfer you should already be here by then.
Sometimes it seems like you aren't listening, between my new job and the trial I won't have any free time to go anywhere on the weekends, plus I will probably need lots more extra sleep and food, I'm more likely to get depressed now than ever, that's what Candace says when she writes her postcards from Europe or wherever her and Rudy are shacking up these days, it's hard to tell, I don't talk to my friends too much anymore, now I'm home with my family I have plenty of people to talk to, oh and also you, we talk on the phone. Anyway, my time is all full, if you were listening to what I say on the phone you would know that meeting before then isn't possible, why don't you listen? You have what I call "Native Student Syndrome" which is doesn't sit still and listen to what the White Goose teacher is saying to him or her, the school counselor here in the Big Smoke calls it ADD and I said "that's funny all the students in Mtigwaki have that" and she says that if that's true someone should do a study on Native children and the incidence of attention disorders very soon, pass that on to Susan would you?
Liz
At 6:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i think it wd b cube if u came down 2 visit an' support liz next month. i'd totally make u the veg. lasagna i learned 2 make in grade-8 home ec, and also sum of the gourmet foodz howard taut me 2 make, so u wdn't hafta eat mom's cooking.
jeremy, don't u have yr passport? that's got yr d.o.b. on it 2 prove u r 15, rite?
becks, i think fake wd b better 4 yr career. u wdn't wanna have all kindsa newspaperz an' "pink is the new blog" going on and on abt yr dominican divorce and property division an' shizz like that, eh?
shannon, liz never thinx she's being rude, just "justified", so sayin' nething 2 her abt being rude doesn't go newhere.
At 8:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, gud idea ‘bout the passport. unfortun8ly, thorvald thot of that 1st, cuz the dominican republic requirez the passport 4 foreignerz gettin’ married. 1991 haz been scratched a little 2 say 1971. @least peeps here thot i wuz 35 nsteada 40. thanx 4 the advice tho.
i snuck away frum rebeccah & thorvald wen they were yellin’ ‘bout division of property & called my mom. she called ‘round & found out since i wuz rilly underage, evn tho my passport sez othahwize, nothin’ wud b legal. she sed i shud agree 2 wutevah rebeccah & thorvald were sayin’ & get home asap. she sez she & thorvald r gonna have wordz wen i get back & i think she iz plannin’ on bringin’ her cast iron skillet n2 the convo. i feel sorry 4 thorvald.
neway, we did sum kinda ceremony. i dunno if it wuz fake or not. i didn’t take spanish n skool, just french. i just hadda say “si” wen the guy pointed 2 me & put a ring on rebeccah’z fingah & she put 1 on me. thorvald kinda teared up & sed, “my bergthora’z 1st fake weddin’.” that made me think it wuz fake, but i couldn’t unnerstand wut wuz b-ing sed, so it coulda been either 1. it duzn’t mattah neway. fake or not fake, still not legal n canada. if eva iz still innerested @all n wut’z goin’ on w/me, u can tell her there wuz no weddin’ nite. there’z gonna b a weddin’ plane trip back 2 canada overnite again. cu 2morrow.
At 8:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings inviting me to come visit you and support Elizabeth next month. I would come, but I cannot come unless your sister invites me. She said clearly she does not want me to come until niibaa-anama'e-giizhigadit (Christmas). Maybe I can try your vegetable lasagna at niibaa-anama'e-giizhigadit (Christmas). If your sister changes her mind, I will find a way to come to Milborough earlier.
Your sister asked me to ask my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) in Ojibway children. Chipper made a comment how she was surprised Elizabeth was interested in this topic. She said the First Nations Regional Longitudinal Health Survey of 2005 showed a lot of health problems with First Nations Children above the national average, but found that among First Nations boys, ADD or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) were much more common. They were not the majour health problems in the First Nations Children which were, in order: Obesity, injuries, asthma, allergies, chronic ear infections, chronic bronchitis, learning disabilities, ADD/ADHD, and fetal alcohol syndrome effects. All are significantly higher in First Nations children than the national average. You can tell Chipper has hard work in front of her, maybe harder than my sweet girl's at the Glenallen school.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, i agreed w/ u, fake is def. the way 2 go, we can alwayz make it legal l8r if we want 2, but 1ce u get married, it like happened 4 reals, u know? just ask britney spears, she got married 4 reals but as a joke, but it wuzn't so funny when she found out she had 2 get a real annulment 2. also i guess the boy wuz sum guy she used 2 rilly like in skool, an' now he h8s her. i don't want jer 2 h8 me.
so, we totally went w/ the idea of doing a real dominican betrothal ceremony. well, it wuz real in that sum dominican dude sez we r betrothed. i dunno if dominican culture really has that kind of a tradition. i know dad translated a bunch of stuff frum a old norse book abt wedding traditions in2 english an' then sum translator turned it in2 spanish. i'm pretty sure we r betrothed. instead of throwing axes, jer had 2 throw sum baseball bats. i guess baseball is v. big down here, way more then axe throwing.
so now i have a official dominican fiance an' a official viking fiance. this is gonna b confusing.
c u in skool 2morrow!
becks
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