Howard BUNT?!?!?!

Liz wanted 2 tell the next bit of her story in her own words, yo, so here goes:

April and friends,

Okay, you were right, you tricked me into saying the right thing I did was turning Howard in and you are so right, it turns out that he is a big fat liar, Becky should thank me for keeping her from marrying such a bad man. His name is not really Howard Kelpfroth, it's Howard Bunt, when I told the cop Howard was going by Kelpfroth he said "Oh yes, he has many aliases," and they said they have been watching him for a long time, and a bunch of other young women "came forward," I don't know what that has to do with anything, but it means he can get tried, and I have to testify, that is a big bummer, I even got a fancy piece of paper called a suppeena that says I have to. I am going to have to take some days off for that, it is going to be a big deal, Mom says I can borrow one of her best suits to wear to court, and I am going to put my hair in a bun and wear my glasses, it will make me look very old and responsible.

I told the policeman that I was in shock, and I am, I can't believe I have to talk about this again, as you know I dealed with this in my own way last year, and I don't like to talk about it, and I asked the cop, and yes they are going to make me talk about it in court, in front of all those people, or they will put me in jail for something called "con-tempped" which sounds to me like hiring a person who went to jail to do typing and filing and stuff around the office, but it's not, it means you have to talk about something in court or you get in trouble. I reminded him that I am a Patterson and we don't like to talk about this kind of stuff and he said it didn't matter, that I would have to talk about it, that it had been decided before by "the power that be" that this problem would all just go away but now "she", I guess "she" is the power that be, wants us to talk about this again, he said it was pretty surprising, that she hardly ever gets around to "tying up loose ends" this fast, the policeman said that usually stuff like this gets forgotten for years or the past even gets changed so it didn't happen at all, I was very confused by that, but he said he didn't have time to explain the non-linear nature of time, he had to go bring a suppeena to someone else who is very important in this case.

I thought about this and I think what he means is that important people can change their minds about how they feel or think about important stuff whenever they want to and everyone else just has to go along with what they decide, and I am very important because I'm a Patterson, so I have decided that I really am mad at Howard for grabbing my boob, after all he did not buy me dinner or an engagement ring first, so he should go to prison for as long as they can send him, and maybe even longer than the law allows, that's how bad it is to grab a Patterson girl's boob without getting permission from the girl, her dentist father, a reverend, and the province of Ontario first.

Becky, I am not afraid of you.

Liz

Howard Bunt, eh? Who knew? Here's what Howard wrote l8 last nite:

April,

After Becky and I left Tim Hortons, we took Nolan Sears home. Becky had a pretty good time at Tim Hortons, but faced with the idea that this would be her last night with me for awhile, she got pretty sad. When we got home, we found Thorvald and Freyfaxi sleeping in my room, with a sign posted on the door that said, “Thorvald and Freyfaxi’s Room.” Becky said, “You’re not even gone yet and he’s taken over your room.” So we lay together, I with my arms around Becky, and her holding me and sobbing. Then the telephone rang. It was my lawyer.

She said, “I got back from my trip and I got your message. What’s this about going to jail tomorrow?” So, I told her the story about Officer Luggsworth and my lawyer said, “Howard. I would tell you if you were going to jail. You haven’t even had your trial yet. For whatever reason, Officer Luggsworth has played a trick on you. It’s probably a part of their surveillance.” I said, “Surveillance?” My lawyer said, “Yes. To get more evidence against you in your trial.” I said, “They have 3 women who have pressed charges, how much more evidence do they need?” My lawyer said, “I think it’s because the case against you is pretty weak. After all, I dug up evidence that Elizabeth Patterson assaulted her boyfriend in university with her fists and a frying pan. I will use it against her if necessary.” I said, “I really don’t want to hurt Elizabeth Patterson, if she had made some mistake about a man’s affection for her.”

My lawyer said, “Don’t worry, Howard. You’re in good hands. By the way, did you know your last name is really Bunt?” I said, “What? How did you find this out?” My lawyer said, “The charges against you were against your birth name, for some reason.” I said, “So the witch of Corbeil was right. My last name isn’t Kelpfroth.” My lawyer said, “Yes. That’s correct. It’s actually in your favour, because in Milborough, 90% of all criminals have a last name starting with ‘k’.” I said, “What kind of a last name is Bunt? That sounds like the sound effect of a horse running its head against a teenaged girl.” My lawyer said, “No. That sound would be ‘BUTT’. ‘Bunt’ is a baseball or softball term.”

I guess I am going to trial instead of jail. Who would have thought normal legal procedure would occur in Milborough? Becky was pretty excited I would not be going to jail yet. She is looking forward to seeing my trial.

Howard Bunt

It's like what Liz sed in her letter last Oct. never happed, eh? Weird!

Apes