April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Cliffhanger

Yesterday afternoon, Liz was sitting @ the kitchen table grading student compositions ("Can U believe that school made me assign homework so early?"), when the doorbell rang. I answered the door, and then went in 2 tell Liz, "Elizabeth, there'z a policeman @ the door--and it's not Paul!" Liz sez that when she went 2 the door, the officer, a balding, mustachioed guy holding an envelope, was all, "Miss Elizabeth Patterson?" And when Liz answered "Yes", the policeguy was like, "May I come in pls?" As Liz was showing him in, he was, like, "I have sumthing 2 discuss w/U." Liz put her hand 2 her chest & asked, "Did I do sumthing wrong?" The cop didn't answer until they were sitting on the couch, @ which pt he sed, "No... U did sumthing rite."

Liz! What happed next?!?!?! I don't know and Liz sez we hafta w8 an' C, she'll tell me more 2morrow morning. Oh, well, stay tuned, my peeps!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM  

39 Comments:

  • At 10:00 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    This morning, Brad Luggsworth came to the house. He said, “Miss Howard Kelpfroth.” I said, “Yes”, a little flattered because I was wearing a very nice dress. Brad said, “May I come in please?” I said, “Certainly Officer Luggsworth.” He said, “I have something important to discuss with you.” I said, “Did I do something wrong?” He said, “Yes…Do you remember how your case for sexual assault against Elizabeth Patterson and those 2 other women was being conveniently forgotten?” I said, “Yes. This doesn’t sound good.”

    Officer Luggsworth said, “I am sorry to inform you that it can no longer be conveniently forgotten. Elizabeth Patterson has moved back to Milborough permanently, and your case has now been inconveniently remembered. We can’t have you wandering about Milborough. That would be a travesty of justice, considering that Elizabeth Patterson did all the right things with respect to your case.” I said, “All the right things! If she did all the right things, she would have gone straight to the police and pressed charges. Instead, everyone knows that jerk Anthony took her home and on the way stopped to practically propose to her, even though he was married. Then instead of testifying against me, Elizabeth and Anthony made ridiculous videotapes so they wouldn’t have to be bothered with actually testifying in a trial. Then 2 other women supposedly saw my name in some weekly paper and decided to press charges too; but everyone knows that was a setup. No offence to Elizabeth Patterson, but she and Anthony did all the wrong things.” Officer Luggsworth said, “Miss Kelpfroth. No offence to you, but let me assure you that no matter what it may have appeared that Elizabeth Patterson did, she is considered by the Milborough Police to have done all the right things, everything exactly perfect and she will be honoured for that.” I said, “I suppose this means I am going to jail.” Officer Luggsworth said, “Yes and possibly prison. But you get a day to say good-bye.” I said, “That doesn’t sound like proper police procedure to me.” Officer Luggsworth said, “Believe me, there is nothing about this matter which is even remotely like proper police procedure. Say your good-byes, Howard Kelpfroth. I will see you tomorrow.” And then he left.

    Becky’s parents are still out of town, but I told Becky and her dogs Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo; and I showed Becky where all the steaks I use to feed the dogs are and where I keep her supplies of naked juice. I called up Becky’s father Thorvald to let him know he would need to stay with Becky until her parents got back and although he wanted a more intimate good-bye than a simple hug, I told him since I was engaged to Becky, it wouldn’t be appropriate. Fortunately, he agreed. Thorvald tried to appease Becky by saying, “Don’t worry, Becky-Thora. Prison time does not affect marital obligations. I am sure Hoskuld will be out in time to perform his duties as your husband.” Becky was sobbing and crying a lot. She said, “It’s not fair. Elizabeth Patterson was supposed to stay in Mtigwaki and marry the constable, not come back here. She’s wrecked everything.” I said to Becky, “Even though Elizabeth Patterson has returned to Milborough, I cannot blame her for wanting to leave that hellhole, Mtigwaki.” Becky was not to be consoled. If you see her crying in school, this is the reason.

    I will write more, but I have more people to say good-bye to.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister getting a visit from the policeman. You should be very proud of her. I called my connections through the Milborough Police and they said your sister is a model, a perfect example of how a woman should react when she has been assaulted. And thanks to her, a menace to Milborough society is being put away where he can’t harm any more women. The streets of Milborough are safe again, thanks to your sister. But the police said I should keep it quiet until Elizabeth reveals the rest of her story tomorrow, just in case the facts change slightly. I thought you should know though, since you are her sister. My sweet girl is a hero. When I found out, it made me love her even more. Just between you and me, I also got this really sick feeling in my stomach, like my sweet girl’s honour was going to somehow cause me problems, but it is just a feeling.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I am all pins and needles. I can't wait to find out what Elizabeth did right. She is on quite a streak now. She did the right thing by moving back to Milborough and into mom's house. She did the right thing by buying her car at Mayes Midtown Motors and reconnecting with Anthony. In fact, this summer she actually spent a little time with my children for the first time since they were born. I knew she would get some kind of award. After all, whenever a Patterson does anything, an award will shortly follow. I can't tell you how many awards Portrait Magazine has gotten since I have been the editor there. And Liz got her spirit name award for teaching wherever it was she was before she moved back to Milborough. April, look at our sister and see your future. If you decide you want to become a singing veterinarian and lead the rats out of Milborough, you can be guaranteed you will get an award. It's good to be a Patterson.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April and friends,

    Yes, it's true, I did something very right, so right that I will probably get a medal and a parade, but not for teaching, for something else that I did 100% right, and not "Mr. Wright" like April suggested last night when I told her, I have never done him, just get that dirty thought out of your head. No this thing I did right was something I did for all of Milborough, it was just a Patterson's duty, you know how much we have done for this town already, but us Pattersons just can't stop giving. I think it is the best thing I ever did maybe, apart from becoming a teacher and going to the north to save the natives from ignerence by teaching them fractions and good grammar while all the same respecting their native traditions, that was pretty amazing of me too. And what I did this time was pretty amazing as well, so amazing that probably you will be shocked into speechlessness by its amazingness, you will be so amazed.

    I am amazing, and it's not just me saying that, I won't tell you who else said it, and I'm not referring to Paul or Anthony here, they call me amazing all the time, but a hint is that he came to the house yesterday afternoon to tell me I did everything right.

    Excuse me now, my kids are done watching the "Broken Arrow" video and now I have to put in "Dances with Wolves," today is Native Culture Day in my classroom.

    Liz

     

  • At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    liz, i m gonna kill u!!! i talked 2 my fafa an' he sez that when 1 woman puts another woman's fiance in prison, the woman who got wronged is perfectly justified in goading her father in2 burying his axe deep in2 her skull! fafa kept saying, "goad me, becky-thora, goad me. if u goad me, i m sure 2 do whatever u ask. even if it's 2 a patterson. come on. i need u 2 goad me."

    i haven't done it yet but trust me u stupid little twat, ur name is written all over my fafa's axe!!! u better get howie off the hook rite now!!!

    signed, rebeccah bergthora thorvaldsdottir mcguire

     

  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    The effect of my announcement to Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer, that I would no longer be able to give shamp-Ohs at her shop, was as you would expect. She wanted to extend her salon hours tonight to give me a chance to give more shamp-Ohs. It was a tempting proposition, because Sugar had been so gracious to hire me in the first place, and I would like to pay her back. The line of little old ladies waiting for shamp-Ohs were quite sad. They said, “Oh Howard. I am so going to miss this. You have single-handedly revived my sex life. I was an old barren crone before your talented hands brought my lusty side back to life. My husband has never been happier.” I received many testimonials along those lines. Then one old lady walked in and said, “I did it. I called the prison and they said I can come into visit Howard for a conjugal visit and the room for visit will have a sink in it.” I said, “Why do you want a sink in it?” The lady said, “So you can shamp-Oh me, of course.” The whole crowd of ladies gathered around her and asked her the details of how she did it. Then the next thing you know, they had whipped out their cell phones and were frantically calling the prison officials to see if they could get conjugal visits too.

    I went over to Marjee Mahaha and I said, “I guess I won’t be lacking for visitors in prison.” Marjee said, “It doesn’t look like it. By the way, I already signed up for conjugal visits with you. My ex-boyfriend Maynard said it was a good idea.” I said, “When have you been talking to Maynard?” Marjee said, “During my conjugal visits.” I said, “How would the prison allow you to have a conjugal visit with both Maynard and me?” Marjee said, “The prison system here is very slack. I’ll bet everyone of those old ladies gets a conjugal visit approved.” And sure enough, I watched as each old lady would raise her cell phone in excitement and yell at me, “My shampoo and I are coming for a visit!”

    Since the ladies were busy on their cell phones and not getting their hair done, I told Sugar I would need to leave work early. I have more people to say good-bye to.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, n case u heard nethin’ ‘bout rebeccah & me doin’a lotta huggin’ n skool 2day, i wuz just tryin’ 2 comfort her ‘bout howard goin’ 2 prison. eva wuz not happ. she sed, “u & rebeccah were snugglin’ way 2 long. a good cowboy shud not b that nice 2 a cowgirl who b-longz 2 anothah guy.” i sed, “wut ‘bout wen u & april were tryin’ 2 comfort duncan yestahday?” eva sed, “thass diffrent. cowgirlz r suppozed 2 comfort a cowboy n need.” i told eva if she cud comfort duncan, then i shud comfort rebeccah. eva sed, “jeremy jones, u r rilly close 2 gettin’ punched out.” i dunno wussup w/eva. ever since we went back 2 skool, she haz not been actin’ the same. have u heard nething?

     

  • At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Something I read in your Blog entry confused me. When the policeman came into the house, your sister said, “Did I do something wrong?” It made me wonder. If a policeman talked to you, you wouldn’t say that to him, because you are the nicest girl in Milborough and you never do anything wrong. I wonder what your sister is hiding. At least the police don’t seem to know about it. That’s good. It would be bad if the police put your sister in prison. I hope they don’t catch her.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    All,

    I don't see why Liz is getting so much credit. When I walked in there she was getting grabbed in the boob and yelling for help.

    Liz defended herself as much as a lady of virtue can, but true "rough and tumble" is a man's job. However, when a lady is, in the end, physically overpowered, there being no savior available, she must submit to the rape with as good grace as possible.

    I don't understand why my incredibly convenient entry into the fracas never gets the credit it deserves. I noogied the hell out of Howard, gave him a purple nurple and an Indian burn, and there's no parade being readied for me. The only people who realize that I saved your sister from a horrible rape are her parents. Honestly, I didn't even get that much gratitude from Liz afterwards. I figured she'd at least be willing to wait for me until my life sorted itself out, but dissappointment seems to be my middle name.

    Where's my envelope?

    Anthony

     

  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After reading Anthony Caine’s last post, I got a sudden urge to go by his workplace and give him a purple nurple he would never forget. However, I was on my way to visit my uncle Melville and aunt Winnifred Kelpfroth, and given the limited time I have, I decided to continue on my way to see them instead.

    On the way there I spotted a hitchhiker at the side of the road and I stopped when I saw it was your brother. I picked up him up, because I was going to where he lived anyway. I said to him, “Michael Patterson. What are you doing hitchhiking?” His response was, “The book I am currently working on left me there.” I didn’t want to get into that subject, so I inquired about his family. He launched off into some discussion about Josef Weeder and the quality of his art and his success and how his assistant Carleen was doing even more than she had been doing before, and I had to stop him to say, “No. I mean your wife Deanna, and your kids Robin and Merrie.” He looked a little puzzled and then he said, “Ardith is taking care of the kids now. She always likes being a mom and the kids really like her and her kids.” I was astonished. I said, “Deanna doesn’t miss being a mom?” He said, “She still picks up the kids from Ardith’s, feeds them supper and puts them to bed. That’s about it. After Deanna gave up seeing Meredith off on her first day of school, it was easy for her after that. Deanna’s new philosophy is ‘Everything is on a need to do basis - what's most essential gets done first’.” I said, “That doesn’t sound like the old Deanna.” Mike said, “Old Deanna disappeared about June 28 after she finished chapter 25 of a book she was reading.” I said I had hoped to say good-bye to old Deanna. I didn’t know if I would like the new Deanna.

    We got to your brother’s place and I went to talk to my auntie Winnie and uncle Melville. They were busy, as usual, with their war collection and playing Broadway musical tunes. I said to them, “What’s new?” Uncle Melville said, “I have a great story for you. They had a yard sale here last month, and Lovey Saltzmann, our landlady made a big deal about this a small Chinese brass oil lamp you can hold in the palm of your hand. It was broken, but she told our upstairs neighbour how it was owned by her father and was one of the few treasures they had taken with them out of Poland when they were forced out. Lovey said her father wanted to be a writer, but had to get a real job to pay the bills, and so she presented it to Michael Patterson, since he is a writer.” I said, “That sounds sweet.” My uncle Melville said, “Sweet, unless you have a passing familiarity with Chinese antiques. Something marked ‘Made in China’ on the bottom is a clear indication of a fake and brass is the metal of choice for producing fakes. It can be easily ‘aged’ using chemicals to give it that 100 year-old look. Michael Patterson started going on and on about genies in lamps, without really thinking how the genie stories are not from China, and about why Lovey, who is too cheap to pay for repairs on her rental property, would give away a precious family heirloom, to a man, who will, in all likelihood, not be living here for another year.” We all had a good laugh about that.

    Then I said, “What happened to Deanna? Mike told me this strange story about how she was giving up all the mother / child firsts to her baby-sitter.” Auntie Winnie said, “That’s a sad story, Howard. She talked about her sister visiting her for months and months, and then her sister never visited. Her son was sick with earaches for awhile and that was all she talked about. That could have been it, but I think something must have happened with her work. All of a sudden, it is more important than being a mother, but she hasn’t talked about her work in months, and she is very much into making sure at home chores are equally divided now between her and Mike, when before she didn’t seem to care.” I said, “Very strange. I wonder what is going on?” My aunt and uncle did not know.

    They are doing fine, although my auntie said my uncle Melville has gotten into the bad habit of wandering outside in his underwear. They still bang on the ceiling from time to time, but they said it doesn’t seem to bother your brother and sister as much as it used to. We had a pretty good visit, but then it was time to move on to say good-bye to other people.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After visiting with auntie Winnie and uncle Melville, I decided I should pay a visit to my former employers, your grandpa Jim and step-grandmother Iris. As I approached the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace, out of nowhere I was knocked to the ground. I was gasping in pain, when I looked up and saw your grandpa Jim on an old people scooter. He said, “Hey! Coward! How do you like my new hupmobile?” I said, “It’s painful, but why are you calling it a hupmobile? A Hupmobile was an automobile built by the Hupp Motor Company from 1909 through 1940. It’s not a scooter.” Your grandpa Jim said, “I never could fool you, Coward. Come around to the gardens around back. That’s where Iris is.”

    So I followed him around to the back of the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace and there was your step-grandmother Iris. She had something in her lap. Your grandpa Jim said, “That’s Iris’ favourite squirrel. I like to call it a tree rat. It comes right up into her lap for a peanut. It makes Iris giggle like a school girl, but the gardeners hate him. He leaves peanuts all over the lawn. She has fed him so much, he looks like a hairy tennis ball.” I said, “Is that why his coat is a greenish-yellow?” Your grandpa Jim said, “Yes. It doesn’t seem normal for a squirrel, but that’s what too many peanuts will do to you. I know.” I said, “Why does he have the word ‘Wilson’ written on his side?” Grandpa Jim said, “I think that’s his name.” As we approached, your step-grandmother threw the thing in her lap into the garden. Your grandpa Jim said, “I see Wilson is still afraid of me.” Your step-grandmother said, “Yes. You scared him away again. Did you see him jump away, Coward?” and she winked at me. I said, “Yes. He’s a good jumper, for a greenish/yellow squirrel.”

    We went back to their apartment and I was careful to make sure your grandpa Jim didn’t run over me. Some of the other old people were not as lucky, but I am sure they will get up eventually. I told them I would be going to prison. Your step-mother Iris said, “Well, Coward. I can’t say I’m surprised. Once you gave up being April’s backup gay to be engaged to marry her former friend Becky McGuire, then you lost all your protection from Elizabeth. Having Elizabeth in town has stirred up all kinds of things.” I said, “Like what?” Grandpa Jim said, “My daughter Elly. She never visited much, but now Elizabeth is in the house, she comes over here all time.” Iris said, “Shopping. Shopping and trying new recipes. I try to tell her Jim and I are on a fixed income and we don’t need that many new clothes, but Elly insists. She says she has to keep busy and we are the lucky recipients.” Grandpa Jim said, “It wouldn’t be so bad if she could cook, but those new recipes. There are only so many ways I can stand to eat meatloaf or spam.” Iris said, “I can’t wait for Elizabeth to find her own place and move out.” I made them something tasty to eat, for old time’s sake, but then I had to leave. More people to say good-bye to.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky,

    You should control yourself or you're going to end up in prison with Howard, besides, my Anthony would never let anything bad happen to me, if your dad tried to kill me, Anthony would bring him down and give him noogies and box his ears until he screamed for mercy, that is how ferocious my Anthony is, and if he wouldn't let me get 'gone after' then he wouldn't let your dad axe my head open.

    Besides, even if your dad tried it, nothing bad can ever happen to a Patterson, at least not until they are really old, then they might get kind of sickly and die but Mom says even the Good Witch of the North can't prevent that from happening so we are still the luckiest people in all of Canada, just ask anyone, Pattersons are awesome.

    Anthony, don't worry, I reminded the police man about how you almost killed Howard with those purple nurples and I think you will be getting your envelope really soon, and I asked if they could make an Anthony float in the parade and they looked at me kind of funny, but I am sure the answer will be yes, and you can ride in the convertible with me and wave to people. I asked if I could pull the switch when they execute Howard and the cop gave me a funny look, he said "we don't have the death penalty in Canada since 1976 and even before then, we didn't execute people for an attempted going-after. You had to kill someone." I said "I bet if someone had gone after a Patterson or a Richards, they would have gotten the chair," and the police man looked at me funny and said, "Canada never had the chair. They used the long-drop method of hanging, which is more humane than the short drop, because in long-drop your neck is broken and you die while unconscious, whereas in short-drop, you slowly strangle to death." And I said "Well then anyone who went after a Patterson or a Richards would have been hung with the short-drop method and they would of gotten to open the trap door or whatever" and the police man could not deny that I was right.

    By the way I was NOT almost raped, you got that wrong, it was a "going after," that's different. Remember, nothing really bad can ever happen to a Patterson.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well darn now you all kind of tricked me into saying that the conversation I had with the police man was about Howard, but I just want to say that maybe it was and maybe it wasn't, I won't tell you until tomorrow, there might of been more to it.

    Also, April, when I have my hair up in a bun and my glasses on do you think I look exactly like Mom? At one point the policeman kind of gave a little scream and said "I'm sorry, you just look so much like your mother" and I said "Don't apologize that was the look I was going for."

    Liz

     

  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m @ horny t's w/ger, dunc, zandra, eva, jeremy, luis, vicki, and zandra. if u can make it, pls come by. we r gonna buy u sum goodbye dbl dbl's! i can't believe we hafta say goodbye 2 u!

    apes

     

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u do look a lot like mom when u have the hair and glasses like that, liz, tho not xxactly like her. almost.

    apes

     

  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After visiting your grandpa Jim and step-grandmother Iris, I went to visit my former lover, Everett Callahan, who works with your dad. I went into the dentist’s office and asked to speak to him. Jean Baker at the front desk said, “He’s busy right now getting a family relationship lecture.” I said, “What is a family relationship lecture.” Jean said, “Dr. Patterson has an agreement in place to sell his practice to Dr. Callahan, but one of the conditions is that every time someone comes in for whom Dr. Patterson has treated them or a member of their family, then Dr. Callahan has to listen to Dr. Patterson explain all the intricacies of their families and their histories sometimes going back 30 years.” I said, “You’re kidding, eh?” Jean Baker said, “I wish I were. At least it’s better than a lecture on model trains with live steam engines.” I said, “Are there model trains with dead steam engines?” Jean said, “That is a question you do not want to ask. Believe me.”

    At this point, Everett showed up with your dad following and your dad was saying, “A good dentist knows what these families are all about. Talk about stories writing themselves. It’s too bad a dentist isn’t a writer. I tried to tell my son about all these stories, but he said no one was interested in tracing a family’s life through the similarities of the cavities in their bicuspids.” Everett spotted me and said, “Do you know this dude’s family, Dr. Patterson?” Your dad said, “I don’t think I do.” Everett said, “Sweet. I will see you now, Howard.” I said, “I think there were some people ahead of me.” Everett hissed at me, “Shut up, Howard.” When we got into the examining room, I told Everett that the main reason I was there was to let him know I was going to prison and to say good-bye. Everett said, “Dude. You may see me there soon. If Dr. John Patterson doesn’t stop giving me all these family tooth histories, I may commit murder, man.” I said, “That’s funny, Everett.” Then Everett gave me a look that said he wasn’t.

    I said, “Look on the bright side. He’ll retire soon and then you won’t have to listen to those stories anymore. No more family histories. No more model trains with live steam engines.” Everett said, “And dude, don’t forget the lectures about how dirt from the south is much better for growing things than dirt from the north.” I said, “I didn’t know about those. Well at least you can change things when you take over.” Everett said, “I am changing things now, man. The way I am changing things is by giving every new dude or dudette a priority over the old geezers Dr. Patterson knows. I have to get people in, who don’t know John Patterson at all. It’s the only way I will survive, dude.”

    I said, “He’s not that bad.” Everett said, “Whoa! Dude, you’re not around him every day. He says these little things that don’t sound bad because they are quick, but when you think about him, you feel sorry for his entire family, man.” I said, “Like what?” Everett said, “His daughter is 25 and just moved home. He thinks it is because she is done rebelling and she wants to get closer to daddy. But then the dude is really pumped up about his 2 daughters having a big smackdown from living in the same house. When I ask the dude how he likes being a parent, he says, ‘If there was not the hope that they would come back to us as friends, parents might as well just not exist.’” I said, “Wow! That’s pretty cold.” Everett said, “So then this man, with this way harsh attitude about parenting, has the nerve to give me lectures on his patients’ family histories. It’s freaking insulting.” Everett checked over my mouth and said, “Dude. I’ll see if I can start doing like, prison dentistry on the side. I doubt Dr. P knows the family background of any prisoners. Maybe I’ll see you around, man.” I said I hoped so.

    Off to Tim Hortons for some more good-byes, unless there really are two Zandras there, April. Then I'll skip until one of them leaves.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    While I waiting for your answer about the 2 Zandras, I decided to stop in briefly at Lilliput’s to say good-bye to my old girlfriend Beatrice Alfarero. When I walked in, I saw people running in terror from the store. I stopped a man and said, “What’s wrong? Is there someone hurt or a fire?” The man said, “It’s not safe. The muffin lady is back.” So, I walked in and found your mother walking through the store with Beatrice and Moira Kinney following right behind her. She said, “I like these improvements in the layout Moira. Of course I don’t know how your customers can possibly find some of the books they want. You have Shakespeare in the Classics section instead of the Old Books with Hard Words section, I used to have. But you are so skilled. Business appears to be good and I am glad for you. I am so happy the business did not immediately fail, as some people thought it would without me running it.” While she was walking around the store, some customers would stop Moira and say, “Are you crazy? You’re not bringing her back are you?” Moira just said, “Part of her agreement with me is that she can work at Lilliput’s from time to time.” The customer would say, “She never worked here before, when she owned the place.” Beatrice would then shush the customer.

    Then your mother started on a different lecture. She said, “My daughter Elizabeth is about to receive an honour for something she did right. Where’s my honour for establishing this landmark, Lilliput’s? How can my daughter get an honour, when she can barely stand on her own two feet? Answer me that?” Moira said, “Maybe the answer is in the reference book section?” Your mother said, “Reference book section? What is that?” Moira said, “Dictionaries. Encyclopedias.” Your mother said, “Oh. I used to call that the Books Too Thick to Bite Through section.” Moira said, “It’s reference now.”

    While they were walking and lecturing, I took Beatrice Alfarero aside and told her I would be going to prison. She said she was sorry to hear that, but it wasn’t totally unexpected. I told her I hoped I wouldn’t be in prison for long, and that I might see her again after I got out. She said, “Howard. Don’t worry about it. The little old ladies were passing out the conjugal visit forms around town. I think every woman in Milborough is going to visit you in prison, so you can wash their hair.” I said, “Are you saying you will be visiting me too? Beatrice said, “Maybe. But first Moira and I have to find someone else to work as substitute for us other than Elly Patterson. We lose so many customers when she works here.” I told her I was looking forward to seeing her and then I left.

    Onto Tim Hortons, assuming there is only one Zandra there.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    there'z only 1 zandra. i typo'ed.

    apes

     

  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mike,

    I stopped by your house to see if I could get you to use your media influence to get me some recognition for my heroism but you weren't around.

    Deanna let me in, and WOW! I don't remember her being so pretty or filling out a bra quite that much. She said it was just a little makeup and good lighting (she was cleaning the kitchen counter at the time, I guess "clean 'n shyne does it in half the tyme!" like the commercial says).

    Then Merrie came back from school with her new Barbie backpack and she had a little dirt on her jumper. Dee tut-tutted and said "If the condition of the jumper being dirty is true, then it's time to put the jumper in the wash" which I thought was a roundabout way of saying that she needed to do laundry, but then she does live with a writer and they tend to speak in a fancy style.

    Well, she got Merrie's clothes in the wash and saw that her knees were dirty from the playground. "If the condition of the child being dirty is true, then it's time to put the child in the tub." So she hauled Merrie off to the bathroom and I heard her saying "do while child condition dirty is true" as she scrubbed away.

    When she was done with that she offered me coffee.

    "Cream?" she asked.
    "Yes, please," I said.
    "Sugar?"
    "A little."
    "Regular or decaf?"
    I said "leaded" which is how the truckers talk at the gas station, but she went all glassy-eyed until I said "regular."

    When she brought it to me she said "Regular coffee. Cream equals true, sugar equals true," and set it down in front of me. Then she stood there and waited for a while.

    I think about sixty seconds later sh started cleaning again so I wrote you a note and left. I hope you got it. Dee is turning into one hell of a good wife, I have to say. She got all your carpet fibers lined up in a nice diagonal direction.

    Later,

    Anthony

     

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, mike, did u replace dee w/a ROBOT?!?!?!?!

    apes

     

  • At 7:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    While I was waiting for your answer about the two Zandras, I decided to make a stop by Mr. Singh’s store. On the way in, I smelled this horrible smell. I said to Mr. Singh, “What is that smell?” Mr. Singh said, “You mean the smell coming from the grass in front of my store?” I said, “Yes. That’s the smell.” Mr. Singh said, “I don’t want to name names, because that is not my way. However, a person with the initials Dr. J.P. was walking his dogs while his daughter was away in Manitoba and he came by to visit the store. One of his dogs smelled terrible. I said to Dr. J.P., ‘Why does your dog smell so bad?’ He said it was because his dog rolled in something gross on the grass in front of my store. I told him that was not possible, because such a thing would be an offence to not only my customers but my religion. When I went outside, there was the smell in the grass. I do not know where it came from, but I do know I have not been able to get rid of it. I have killed the grass, and saturated the area with fine perfumes. Nothing works. All I know for sure is that it was not there before Dr. J.P. came to my store. I wish it would go away.” I told him I hoped it would go away too, but unfortunately, I was going off to prison, so I wouldn't know if it was or not.

    As I was walking around the store, I heard a familiar voice beside me. She said, “Howard. I have a conjugal visit form. Would you like me to come and see you sometime?” I turned and saw Rhetta Blum. I said, “Our relationship didn’t end up on the best of terms.” Rhetta said, “I know, but I have forgiven you. Can you forgive me?” I said, “Since most of the ladies in Milborough have that same form, I don’t see why not.” Rhetta said, “Well, that’s good Howard.” Then there was another voice I recognized. I turned and it was Kortney Krelbutz. She said, “If you can give Howard a conjugal visit, then so can I.” Rhetta said, “Don’t you go by Kurt these days?” Kortney said, “No. I don’t use that name anymore. So, Howard, if Rhetta can come visit you, can I too?” I said, “I thought you were with that fellow you met during your Viking wedding?” Kortney said, “Yes. There’s that. But I still have conjugal visits with my old boyfriend who was put in prison for stealing the Patterson’s special choo-choo train. While I am there, I can visit you too.” I said, “Well, as long as you bring your own shampoo, you might as well come too. The more the merrier.” Kortney said, “See Rhetta. You aren’t that special.” Rhetta said, “Hmph!” As she left, so did I.

    I’m on my way to Tim Hortons. I'm glad the 2 Zandras was a typo.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Don’t be silly, I wouldn’t replace Dee with a robot. I don’t have the slightest idea how a robot would work. To have a robot, you have to be really smart with robot stuff, or you have to have to know someone who has a lot of money who can hire someone smart with robot stuff. Like Josef Weeder, for example. His family has so much money; if they gave some of it to him then maybe he could afford a robot. But that hasn’t happened. So, neither Weed or I could have robots. Put that idea out of your head.

    Oddly enough, the last time Weed saw his father, they talked about robots. You may remember Weed was visited by his father at his studio back in May, and Josef noticed his mother was ever an appendage. Then Josef said he introduced his father to Carleen, and after his father got to see Carleen at work, overseeing everything "behind the scenes" for Josef, Weed said his dad took an interest in his work. He said, “The only way you could improve Carleen would be with a robot. She is such a hard worker and she is so much in control over everything.” This overture of a kind compliment about Carleen from his estranged father deeply moved my closest friend. Then on top of that, Weed got an advance on his inheritance at that time from his father, which he used to buy the building he works in.

    If you are wondering about recent differences in the way Deanna behaves, it’s just because she is more organized now our daughter is in Junior K. When I work late, she puts the kids to bed and deals with the chores. She has a list and works from the most important to the least important, which of course is talking to her mother.

    The tradeoff is that I have to do the grocery shopping or do all the laundry on the weekends when I work late. That is so Deanna can have some free time, which she is so nice to take at her work, where it doesn’t get in the way. Lucky for me, Deanna has been tremendously understanding about my work time. Once I get a weekend free from working, I am going to be doing a lot of laundry and groceries.

    Things are really going well between me and Deanna. We have a lot more “couple time” than we used to, and because Dee is so organized now, we no longer have to waste all the time we used to with getting her in the mood to enjoy that time. Weed and I have talked about our work and our "women" and we agree life couldn’t be better right now. It's like having family next door: Weed, Carleen, Me, Deanna and are all a part of "us" now.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, it's hard 2 b-lieve howeird iz gonna b leavin' 4 jail 2morrow. i luvved his parties. peeps wud alwayz end up n hospital. they were gr8. now if i can just remind u & zandra & eva that the party iz 4 howard & not 4 duncan, that wud b evn bettah.

     

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, jeremy, i didn't notice that zed an' eva were paying so much attention 2 dunc. i was listening 2 all those stories howard's been telling us! i knew he'd had a lotta jobz in his life, but i didn't realize he had THAT many! wow!

    apes

     

  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am not sure why were so surprised I used to make a living as a cat-juggler in Mexican bars. Duncan offered to let me juggle his cats Faustus and Falstaff, but I really need at least 3 cats to do it properly.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'd let u borrow shiimsa, but liz wd kill me. like, literally kill me. so we'd better not. does becky still have a cat? loverboy?

    apes

     

  • At 9:11 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I called Becky up and she is more than a little unhappy that you did not tell her to come to Tim Hortons too, along with the rest of these people. However, she is not going to let me juggle her cat, so we will have to forgo that demonstration. Becky is coming over and she is bringing along Nolan, her current boyfriend. If you could restrain your boyfriend Gerald from making faces at him, I would really appreciate it.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, no cat-juggling. man. that wud have been classic. eva sez a proper cowboy punches out cows, not juggles cats, altho wrestlin' a wildcat bare-handed iz allowed. i told her i thot it wuz punchin' cowz & not punchin' out cowz. eva iz unhapp w/me.

     

  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i tried inviting becks, but her dad answered her cell and gave me sum crayzee reason she cdn't leave the house, involving norse godz an' sagaz an' a buncha stuff i can't remember.

    apes

     

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jeremy was supposed 2 smile and nod, man, smile and nod!

    Eva

     

  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    One look at Becky and your boyfriend started with the "Bring me some Brennevin and rancid shark meat." So glad we are in Tim Hortons.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, thass an innerestin' challenge duncan just made. i wondah if u, rebeccah & eva r gonna let howard juggle u. i told eva she weighz more than a cat. eva iz unhapp w/me.

     

  • At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jeremy was supposed to say I weigh LESS than a cat, LESS!

    Eva

     

  • At 9:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard sez he can totally juggle us and meanz 2 try!

    apes

     

  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, that was a refreshing exercise and I have to say the boys here seem to be oddly exhilerated, even Nolan Sears. It's good thing Tim Hortons has high ceilings, eh?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, there iz no way i am gonna let howeird juggle me. i don't care if eva callz me a tenderfoot cowboy & duncan & gerald have already sed they wud do it if i did it. it's not gonna happ. i can tell eva iz unhapp w/me.

     

  • At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, ok. i am feelin' sick, eh? b-ing juggled iz not that much fun. i dunno y u girlz liked it so much. eva seemz 2b happier w/me now.

     

  • At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April and friends,

    Okay, you were right, you tricked me into saying the right thing I did was turning Howard in and you are so right, it turns out that he is a big fat liar, Becky should thank me for keeping her from marrying such a bad man. His name is not really Howard Kelpfroth, it's Howard Bunt, when I told the cop Howard was going by Kelpfroth he said "Oh yes, he has many aliases," and they said they have been watching him for a long time, and a bunch of other young women "came forward," I don't know what that has to do with anything, but it means he can get tried, and I have to testify, that is a big bummer, I even got a fancy piece of paper called a suppeena that says I have to. I am going to have to take some days off for that, it is going to be a big deal, Mom says I can borrow one of her best suits to wear to court, and I am going to put my hair in a bun and wear my glasses, it will make me look very old and responsible.

    I told the policeman that I was in shock, and I am, I can't believe I have to talk about this again, as you know I dealed with this in my own way last year, and I don't like to talk about it, and I asked the cop, and yes they are going to make me talk about it in court, in front of all those people, or they will put me in jail for something called "con-tempped" which sounds to me like hiring a person who went to jail to do typing and filing and stuff around the office, but it's not, it means you have to talk about something in court or you get in trouble. I reminded him that I am a Patterson and we don't like to talk about this kind of stuff and he said it didn't matter, that I would have to talk about it, that it had been decided before by "the power that be" that this problem would all just go away but now "she", I guess "she" is the power that be, wants us to talk about this again, he said it was pretty surprising, that she hardly ever gets around to "tying up loose ends" this fast, the policeman said that usually stuff like this gets forgotten for years or the past even gets changed so it didn't happen at all, I was very confused by that, but he said he didn't have time to explain the non-linear nature of time, he had to go bring a suppeena to someone else who is very important in this case.

    I thought about this and I think what he means is that important people can change their minds about how they feel or think about important stuff whenever they want to and everyone else just has to go along with what they decide, and I am very important because I'm a Patterson, so I have decided that I really am mad at Howard for grabbing my boob, after all he did not buy me dinner or an engagement ring first, so he should go to prison for as long as they can send him, and maybe even longer than the law allows, that's how bad it is to grab a Patterson girl's boob without getting permission from the girl, her dentist father, a reverend, and the province of Ontario first.

    Becky, I am not afraid of you.

    Liz

     

  • At 3:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    After Becky and I left Tim Hortons, we took Nolan Sears home. Becky had a pretty good time at Tim Hortons, but faced with the idea that this would be her last night with me for awhile, she got pretty sad. When we got home, we found Thorvald and Freyfaxi sleeping in my room, with a sign posted on the door that said, “Thorvald and Freyfaxi’s Room.” Becky said, “You’re not even gone yet and he’s taken over your room.” So we lay together, I with my arms around Becky, and her holding me and sobbing. Then the telephone rang. It was my lawyer.

    She said, “I got back from my trip and I got your message. What’s this about going to jail tomorrow?” So, I told her the story about Officer Luggsworth and my lawyer said, “Howard. I would tell you if you were going to jail. You haven’t even had your trial yet. For whatever reason, Officer Luggsworth has played a trick on you. It’s probably a part of their surveillance.” I said, “Surveillance?” My lawyer said, “Yes. To get more evidence against you in your trial.” I said, “They have 3 women who have pressed charges, how much more evidence do they need?” My lawyer said, “I think it’s because the case against you is pretty weak. After all, I dug up evidence that Elizabeth Patterson assaulted her boyfriend in university with her fists and a frying pan. I will use it against her if necessary.” I said, “I really don’t want to hurt Elizabeth Patterson, if she had made some mistake about a man’s affection for her.”

    My lawyer said, “Don’t worry, Howard. You’re in good hands. By the way, did you know your last name is really Bunt?” I said, “What? How did you find this out?” My lawyer said, “The charges against you were against your birth name, for some reason.” I said, “So the witch of Corbeil was right. My last name isn’t Kelpfroth.” My lawyer said, “Yes. That’s correct. It’s actually in your favour, because in Milborough, 90% of all criminals have a last name starting with ‘k’.” I said, “What kind of a last name is Bunt? That sounds like the sound effect of a horse running its head against a teenaged girl.” My lawyer said, “No. That sound would be ‘BUTT’. ‘Bunt’ is a baseball or softball term.”

    I guess I am going to trial instead of jail. Who would have thought normal legal procedure would occur in Milborough? Becky was pretty excited I would not be going to jail yet. She is looking forward to seeing my trial.

    Howard Bunt

     

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