Dyn-o-Dad
As I was getting sum Choklit Oaties cookies from the cupboard, Dad was all, "U're not 2 sure abt having yr sister move back in w/us, R U, April." This was a st8ment instead of a question, as is trendy in my fam of l8. And I was all, "I dunno, 'Pop'. It's just that she's so much older. Every1's gonna start treating me like a KID again!" As Dad helped himself 2 a cookie, I went on, "She'z gonna boss me around, an' hassle me abt stuff --An' I'm gonna bug here. It's gonna B WEIRD." I ate my cookie, then pointed a spindly little hand @ my sternum while saying, "I luv Elizabeth! Really!! But having her here--like... All the time is gonna change our family dynamics!" Dad munched on his cookie and sed, "I C." Then I went in2 silhouette 4 sum reason as I 8 another cookie, and I cd C Dad having a thot bubble while he munched on his cookie: "It's amazing how the words 'dynamics' and 'dynamite' R so similar." Er, no it isn't "amazing" Dad. It's like the total opp of amazing, but I'm glad U @ least held back fr. making this l8est st00pid pun out loud.
I still don't know Y we all, like, secretly agreed 2 refer 2 Liz as "Elizabeth" all the time. That soundz so friggin' stuffy. "Liz" soundz so much friendlier. Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz. Enuf w/the "Elizabeth" nonsense!!!
Apes
I still don't know Y we all, like, secretly agreed 2 refer 2 Liz as "Elizabeth" all the time. That soundz so friggin' stuffy. "Liz" soundz so much friendlier. Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz. Enuf w/the "Elizabeth" nonsense!!!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:12 AM
18 Comments:
At 10:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your conversation between you and your noos (father) about Elizabeth. I tried to remember if I have ever called her Liz, and then I remembered on July 3, this year, I did call her Liz once. She doesn’t like me to call her Liz. At that time I was trying to provoke her to talk about our future together. It didn’t work very well. It is hard to talk to your sister about the future, when she starts talking about fate. It makes planning things hard.
Why do you think my sweet girl will boss you around and hassle you about stuff? She didn’t do it with her students in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). She doesn’t do it with me either. She tells me the things she is going to do in a soft, sweet voice with a little bit of a whimper. For example, when she told me getting the temporary summer teaching job in Mississauga made her so happy she cried, there was a little crying sound in her voice. I have never heard my sweet girl be bossy. If she were bossy, she would say, “Paul Wright. Get that transfer to Toronto right now!!” Instead when she sends me an e-mail it says, “114 days until I see you again. Take your time getting that transfer, or it will mess up my Christmas visit.” I don’t think you have anything to worry about with your sister. She is kind and sweet. The only time she yells is when her cat Shiimsa jumps on her keyboard and destroys her computer work.
I see your noos (father) still likes to think about similar words. I remember during our visit, when I was talking about my transfer to Toronto, and he said, “It’s amazing how the words ‘transfer’ and ‘transparent’ are so similar.” Or when I was talking about how I met Elizabeth during her stargazing lesson and he said, “It’s amazing how the words ‘stargazing’ and ‘star-crossed’ are so similar.” Then when I was talking about being a policeman and he said, “It’s amazing how the words ‘policeman’ and ‘polecat’ are so similar.” Or when I talked about my Ojibway heritage and he said, “It’s amazing how the words ‘Ojibway’ and ‘odd man out’ are so similar.” Your noos (father’s) humour confused me. My sweet girl said a Patterson pun is sometimes misunderstood like native humour is misunderstood. For example, native humour could be thought of as a personal insult, and a Patterson pun could be thought of as someone trying to make a joke about what you are saying without actually listening to or caring about a word you say, as if you were a completely unimportant person. Your sister said I would get used to Patterson punning eventually, particularly if I wanted to be able to get along with your noos (father). However, I don’t understand why ‘dynamics’ and ‘dynamite’ being similar is funny yet. I will keep working on it, because I am so in love with your sister.
I am working every day this Labour Day weekend. There is some time between shifts, so I will probably visit my relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). They invited me there for a celebration. The whole town of Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is celebrating this weekend for my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, starting her first week of classes next week. I don’t know if I told you, but Chipper is officially moved to the teacherage where your sister used to live. I think she will do a great job picking up where your sister left off, or as Chipper says, “Picking up the pieces.” Those phrases sound so similar. I think Chipper would like your noos (father).
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. It is sad to hear another story about dad getting older. There was a time when his razor-sharp wit could hone in on a pun which would put everyone in hearing distance into sticky-out tongue laughter. I remember those good old days fondly. Good puns, and everyone was wet with sprayed saliva. However, dad’s dynamic / dynamite pun is too weak to evoke anything more than going into silhouette and pretending it didn’t happen, as you apparently did, even though he was just thinking the pun.
As for your concerns about being treated like a kid, I honestly don’t know how you think that is going to be different from the way you are treated right now. Your first year in high school, and every time mom or dad talks about you, it’s about how difficult you are. I got a little tired of the exaggeration. It is a good writing technique, but a full year of it was a little long, even for me. Until you wreck the family car, like I did with Gordo, or go out drinking in bars and almost get picked up by Dr. Ted McCaulay, like Elizabeth did; then you are not even in the same class of disobedience as me and the Lizardbreath.
Speaking of Elizabeth, I guess you must have missed the time during Christmas, when she got up and announced she didn’t want to be called “Liz” or “Lizardbreath” or “Sistwerp” or any of those other favourite nicknames I have for our big sister again. As if she is going to get that kind of respect from me until she is married with children and living hand-to-mouth in a rundown apartment with an ethnic landlady. But, I think mom and dad have taken it seriously. If you want to get along with her, you probably should too.
I guess Liz will be moving into the house soon. Let me know if she needs help moving, and I will call Lawrence and Nick to come over and help. They usually don’t mind because, as they put it, “It will remind people we exist.” Let me know.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are so talented. I didn’t know you could read your father’s thoughts. I know my mom would love to be able to do that. Sometimes she tells my dad, “What were you thinking letting Shannon do that? She’s not Toward Independent Living (TIL) certified yet!!”
If it is something you can learn, I think my mother would like to learn it. I would too. Sometimes when I see a cute guy, I wonder when he looks at me does he think, “That girl Shannon is hott.” or does he think “Ew! Special needs girl. Keep her away!” You are the nicest girl in Milborough. I hope you are nice enough to teach me to read minds.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 11:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, icu r still on ‘bout ur sis. hang w/eva & me & we’ll treat u like ur supposed 2b treated, no mattah wut ur sis duz. ur so rite, havin’ her n the house iz gonna change ur family dynamic. i nevah had a dad n my house i can remembah, since my ‘rents divorced wen i wuz little; but wen mom has future dad & future sis ovah, the dynamic iz v. diffrent. i am not the only guy & i am the youngest n the fam, evn tho i actually look the oldest, which iz a whole diffrent kinda dynamic than wut ur gonna have. imagine goin’ outa a restaurant w/me, mom, future dad & future sis. then the waiter bringz the bill 2 me. lemme tell u. i know all about change n family dynamics.
just 2 let u know, ur sis iz so not gonna hang w/us, like ur dad tries 2 do. duncan & gerald r still tryin’ 2 live down b-ing caught w/ur dad wen he wuz speedin’. ur sis wud b evn worse. if hadda lissen 2 anthony this & paul that, i wud slit my wrists 2 end the pain. it wudn’t mattah wut concert she wuz goin’ 2, i wud find anothah ride. i guarantee u, u will not c me n the same car az ur sis evah. eva sez i am 2 harsh. i think she wud go, but she hazn’t been ‘round ur sis b4 & eva iz a lot nicer than i am. eva sez i shud b supportin’ u n ur tyme of need, but i dunno. ur sis usedta b kinda cube, livin’ n the wilderness & teachin’ the ojibway kids. now, she’z just anothah teach n mboro, livin’ w/their rents & tryin’ 2 find a husband 2 rescue them. i hope she duzn’t wanna hang w/us, but mebbe if eva wuz there, i cud stand it 4 a little while.
neway, if u can get outa the force field, eva rilly wants u & gerald & me 2 do a dubble-d8. othahwize we hafta w8 till vicki’s party, i guess.
At 11:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
paul, liz, aka "elizabeth", is diff around me, esp when she lives in our house. it's weird, she just changez.
oh, & i totally agree abt how the punning feelz like the person who u r talking 2 isn't really listening or caring abt what u have 2 say, but instead is only caring abt how they r going 2 use one of yr wordz as a pun.
mike, that was a v. weak pun, but i hate punz neway, so they r all weak 2 me.
shannon, i don't know how 2 teach ne1 how 2 read thots, it's just that sumtimes i can c a thot bubble, esp. w/ppl in my fam. i don't know y that happs.
jeremy, the force field is up again, but mom thinx eva can come thru it by herself 2day betw 2 and 4 this afternoon. other than that, i hafta w8 until the party @ vicki's 2morrow nite.
apes
At 12:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Isn't it amazing how the words "credit" and "debit" are so similar? I'm always mixing them up.
Drives everyone from Canada Revenue to our super MMM office team to a froth, let me tell you.
Anthony
At 1:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so slight change of planz. mom just got off of the phone and she sed, "the witch of the north wants u and yr teenangster band 2 have a practice here this afternoon, god help me. so call yr bandmates and tell them 2 be here @ 2:00."
so, i called ger, dunc, eva, an' luis, and they're gonna b here 2 rehearse in less than an hour. that cd b fun, but i have a bad feeling that i'm gonna make a really, really lame pun even tho i h8 them, and that my friends r actually gonna laff!!!
apes
At 2:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
If you don't know how to teach anyone to read thoughts, maybe your sister can help you. She is a teacher. Even if I could only see thought bubbles of people in my family that would be good. Some of my thought bubbles have pictures in them, with roket ships and people being flown to other planets. They are very pretty. I wonder if my mom, dad and brother have pictures in theirs too. I know I am not a good student, so maybe you think since you are not a special needs teacher, you couldn't teach me. I would try very hard. I would love to learn from the nicest girl in Milborough.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 3:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I don't know why you continue to try to make this big show about how you don't do puns. Your friends like them, or they wouldn't laugh at them. Even though you say you hate them, you continue to do them. What is the harm in a pun, after all? No one dies. No one gets hurt. It would be nice if you did a funny pun, but even extremely bad puns are rarely known to cause serious injury. If you are making really lame puns, then obviously you need more practice, not less.
You are young and your mind is still agile. It's not like you're dad, who is getting too old and senile to come up with a decent pun anymore. Sometimes you act like you're not a 15-year-old girl and you act like you are a woman in her 50s, who is so burnt out on having to be creative every single day for 27 years, she hands over her brain to a committee made up of housewives she has hired from around the neighbourhood, who are more concerned about their daily business than creating a genuinely funny pun. Try to remember: You're 15. You're a Patterson. Punning will be much better for you, if you can keep those things in mind.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno how 2 tell u this, but eva actually likes ur punz. she sez it’s not rite the cowboyz get 2 do the bull-ridin’ & then get 2 tell the jokes 2, leavin’ the barrel-racin’ 4 the cowgirlz & nothin’ funny 2 say. so, wen she laffs @ur punz, she prolly thinks they’re funny & not lame. gerald will prolly laff @wut u say, cuz he’z ur bf & duncan will prolly laff 2b polite, but hiz sense of humour haz gotten rilly dark since he started up w/zandra. luis, who knowz ‘bout him? he playz keyboardz. he’z prolly got puerto rican n hiz fam sumwhere. othah than that, the guy iz a complete mystery 2 me. so, if he laffs @ur punz, i have no idea y. if u evah see me laff @a pun of urs it’s prolly cuz i like the way the curve of ur neck looks wen u…wait! where iz that anti-patterson allure amulet i got this week? i gotta remember 2 put that on every day.
At 5:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
shan, i don't know how it is i can do that w/being able 2 c thot bubbles sumtymes. if i don't know how i'm doing it, i can't teach sum1 how 2 do it, it's got nothing 2 do w/u being special needs.
i even called up liz, all, "liz, u can c and read ppl's thot bubbles sumtymes, rite?" and liz was all, "of course, can't every1?" i was like, "no, i don't think so. how wd u teach sum1 2 do it?" she made a little disgusted sound, kinda like clearing yr throat, and sed, "u just look @ the thot bubble and read what it sez, duh!" then she hung up on me.
mike, me not wanting 2 make puns? it's kinda like not wanting 2 step in dog poop. it's not like u only step in the "good" dog poop, u just don't step in dog poop @ all. cuz there IS NO "good" dog poop!
jeremy, thanx 4 trying 2 cheer me up, but i think i'd rather just train myself not 2 make punz.
ger, dunc, eva, and luis, let's just not talk abt that pun i made until after i post 2morrow morning ok? i feel like i need 3 or 4 showerz now!
apes
At 6:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. How could you, a Patterson, say such a thing about puns!!? I know you are just a KID and having Liz around is WEIRD, but that does not give you the right to compare our most time-honoured family tradition, the pun, to stepping in dog poop. I am going to forget you ever made this vulgar comparison and would strongly suggest you never, ever say such a vile and repulsive thing to me or to Liz or mom and dad or any other Patterson ever again.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I understand. Reading people's thought balloons is a family secret. Thanks for trying. I am going to my apartment now.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 6:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, the canadian charter of rights and freedoms guaranteez me "freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication". so, yeah, i've got the right.
puns = dog poop!!!
shannon, if it's a secret, it's a secret no1 has shared w/me.
apes
At 7:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Have it your way. If you want to denigrate our most sacred tradition, then take the consequences, KID. I called mom, dad and told Elizabeth. You can expect a pun-storm to be headed your way. I fully expect you to be writing a full public essay about your most recent pun as "pun"-ishment, by tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
my blog entry 4 2morrow is already written, i wrote it b4 u made yr ratty lil fone call, u foob. my entry is not "punishment", it's how i let stuff out.
neway, mom told me i don't hafta like punz if i don't want, and dad sed he doesn't know what yr problem is. mayB 2 much time in yr attic and not enuf trains. and liz sed, "good 4 her, mayB she'll grow up normal". nice try, tho.
apes
At 9:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. A most depressing response. If what you say is true, then I am the only Patterson left to uphold the family honour. I will be the only Patterson who makes a pun that causes people's mouths to open with sticky-out tongue laughter. If they truly do not care about the sacred Patterson pun, mom will never do it again, dad will never do it again, and Liz will also remain punless.
Little sis. We'll see if you are speaking truthfully. If mom and dad and Liz really don't care about punning, then time will tell the tale. I look forward to seeing the truth of the matter, probably sometime on Monday.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:08 AM,
howard said…
April,
It was an interesting day working Sugar’s salon today. We had to get the Labour Day hair stylings in today, because we are not open on Monday.
I was shampooing one old lady’s hair when she said, “Do my teeth look good, Howard?” I said they looked fine. She said, “They’re real, you know. I still go to the dentist to get them cleaned twice a year.” I said, “Do you go to Dr. Callahan or Dr. Patterson?” The old lady said, “Dr. Patterson. I can usually understand what he is saying, because he doesn’t say those new-fangled words like ‘cool’ or ‘dude’.” I said, “I’m glad you like Dr. Patterson. He’s looked at my teeth before too.” The old lady said, “Well, I don’t know how much I like him. He still has his problems. Just today he was talking about the similarity between ‘dynamics’ and ‘dynamite’.” I said, “While he was working on your teeth?” She said, “Yes. Something his daughter had said to him set him off.” One of the old ladies waiting in line said, “That’s Dr. Patterson all right. He’s harmless, but I have gotten into the habit of carrying a pocket dictionary with me when I go in for my checkup. One time I went in for an appointment and he went on a tangent about how ‘filling’ and ‘fillet’ were similar.” The old lady I was shampooing said, “That’s right. I pulled out my pocket dictionary and it said both ‘dynamite’ and ‘dynamics’ come from the Greek word dýnamis, which means ‘power,’ which is in turn derived from the verb dunasthai meaning ‘to be able.’
One of the other older ladies in line said, “The same Greek word origin! He was right!? How did you get him to stop thinking about it?” Another old lady said, “Wait! I used to sleep with Alfred Nobel who invented dynamite and who gave us the Nobel Peace Prize. I remember he told me ‘dynamite’ came from a combination of the Greek word dýnamis and the Swedish suffix -it , usually used in scientific fields.” The lady I was shampooing said, “You are quite right. The word dynamite is technically of Swedish origin, thanks to its inventor, Alfred Nobel. I told that to Dr. Patterson and it broke him from his spell of word comparisons, at least long enough for me to get my appointment finished on time.” The other ladies said, “Bravo! Excellent dictionary use. That’s showing him.”
One of the older ladies said, “I’ve heard a rumour his daughter, Elizabeth is moving back in with him.” I said, “That’s no rumour. She is moving back. She got a teaching job in Glenallen and it’s less expensive for her to move back to her folk’s place in Milborough than to live alone.” The old ladies said, “Well, Howard. What else do you know? Why did she move back?” I said, “I believe she said she was homesick.” The old ladies started cackling and said, “Homesick! For Milborough? Does she expect anyone to believe that story?” I said, “I think she does.” The ladies said, “With 2 girls at home, it will be worse with Dr. Patterson. He will feel the pressure to make twice as many puns.” One of the old ladies said, “I think I am going to switch over to Dr. Callahan.” The other old ladies said, “Me too. That’s a good idea. He’s cute for a dentist who says the word ’dude’ all the time.”
Another old lady said, “Well tell us about Elizabeth, Howard. Don’t hold back. Did she look like she is in the family way?” I said, “I haven’t seen her yet, but if I am lucky I won’t.” The lady I was shampooing said, “That’s right. You went after her last summer, didn’t you?” I said, “Legally, I am not allowed to discuss my case.” The lady said, “Say no more Howard. I understand. Elizabeth Patterson never seemed to be the type to want to date a man with short red hair who likes to wear a dress.” Another old lady said, “In high school, she liked that Anthony Caine, who runs the convenience store across from Mayes Midtown Motors.” Another old lady said, “He just got divorced you know.” Another old lady said, “Yes. It was a shame too. His ex-wife was such a nice woman. It was so unusual to have a Quebecoise in Milborough who wasn’t running a patisserie or some kind of French food venue. She was actually working in business.” One old lady said, “That type never lasts in Milborough. Young, independent, intelligent women can’t stand it here for very long.” Another old lady said, “Yes. If a woman has any kind of career aspirations, she leaves Milborough. Only the ones who want to work the mommy track stay in Milborough.” Marjee Mahaha said, “Hey! I am not working the mommy track.” The old ladies said, “You’re a hair stylist dear. It’s a perfect part-time mommy job.” Marjee wasn’t too happy to hear that.
One old lady said, “Well Anthony Caine’s marriage was doomed to failure. The way he and Elizabeth Patterson used to flirt openly in public. She’s obviously back here, since he got divorced.” I said, “She has a boyfriend in Northwest Ontario. An OPP constable.” One old lady said, “Then what the heck is she doing back here?” I said, “She was homesick for her family.” The old ladies laughed hysterically again.
One old lady said, “You haven’t been around here long enough to know Elizabeth Patterson’s history with Anthony Caine. It has been scandalous.” Another old lady said, “Yes. She was close dancing at a New Years Eve party with Anthony Caine and was out with him until 5 o’clock in the morning, just 3 weeks after he became engaged to his now ex-wife.” Another old lady said, “Then the August after that , she was seen with Anthony in a hug a little too close for plain friendship.” Then one more old lady said, “And then she had the nerve to show up at his wedding.” I said, “I think she was invited.” The old lady I was shampooing said, “Howard, dear. When your ex-boyfriend invites you to his wedding, he is just being polite. Proper people don’t go to their ex-boyfriend’s weddings, even if they are invited. That is just being respectful of the start of the new relationship. And in particular you don’t show up and make it a point of greeting the bride while waving a man better-looking than the groom in front of her.” I said, “I have been to ex-boyfriend’s weddings before.” The lady I was shampooing said, “And were they disasters?” I said, “Now that you mention it, they were.” The lady said, “My point exactly.”
I said, “Is that it then. That’s not too bad.” The old ladies said, “Oh no, Howard. There’s more. New Years Eve 2004. Elizabeth shows up with her handsome friend again and they make a big scene on the dance floor, specifically to attract Anthony’s attention. Then Elizabeth goes out of her way not to speak to Anthony and his new bride and made a big stink with the hostess of the party about leaving early because Anthony’s wife was making her uncomfortable. Of course Anthony once again gave Elizabeth an inappropriately close hug good-bye right in front of everyone. Shameful.” I said, “How do you know all these details?” The ladies said, “This is Milborough, Howard, and she is a Patterson.” I suppose that made sense. Then one lady said, “Don’t forget the big scene she and Anthony made at the bus station that same month.” and the scene they made at Gordon Mayes garage in August, 2004 just before she went to teach up north.”
One lady said, “When she went north, I hoped that would be the end of it. Anthony Caine’s wife was expecting. Those public displays were so improper.” Another lady said, “But no. Elizabeth came back and on New Years Eve, 2005 actually falls on the ice outside the party, dislocates her knee, and manages to blame it on Anthony Caine’s 7-month pregnant wife.” “Disgraceful” said one old lady. The lady whose head I was shampooing said, “Not only that, but when the baby was 4 months old , Elizabeth went to visit Anthony Caine at his house, when his wife was not there.” One lady said, “And you know all about his overtures to Elizabeth after you went after her.” I said, “I was the one who went after her. It was my fault. Why is that anything to do with Elizabeth being at fault?” One lady said, “Howard. No offence. But she should have pressed assault charges against you immediately and hung your ass out to dry. The fact is, she didn’t do that. It’s a little suspicious.” I said, “I can assure you, Elizabeth Patterson had nothing to do with that.” The old lady next to me said, “Haven’t you been paying attention, Howard? She has been playing with Anthony Caine for years now, when he was engaged, when he was married, when his wife was pregnant and had a child. Those things meant nothing to her. What makes you think you are any different?” I said, “I can’t believe you are suggesting Elizabeth Patterson had a hand in her going after.” The old lady to my left said, “We suggest nothing, Howard. We merely point at the facts. Any intelligent person can draw their own conclusions.”
The old lady next in line said, “I can’t wait for what Elizabeth does next to Anthony.” One lady said, “She already took a car test drive with him.” The other lady said, “Oh no. It is going to just get better and better.” I said, “Elizabeth has boyfriend. She is going to be completely loyal to him.” The ladies started laughing again. They said, “Boyfriend! Howard! This OPP officer boyfriend is the 3rd one she has had while she has been playing this game with Anthony Caine. Having a boyfriend means nothing to her.” One lady said, “Watching her handle Anthony this time is going to be deliciously awful.” The other lady said, “She is going to be wonderfully and inexcusably tasteless again.” I said, “You seem to be pretty excited by all this.” The ladies said, “Howard. This is Milborough. Watching Elizabeth Patterson is the best game in town. We are so glad she’s back.”
Well they talked quite a bit more about your sister. You know, April. You might want to tell your sister, getting an apartment in Glenallen is worth the monetary expense.
Howard K.
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