April's Real Blog

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Anthony and Wishes

So, on that day LAST WEEK when Anthony came over 2 talk w/Liz abt their subpoenas (nice pretext, Anth), they leaned over the rail of the porch, and Anthony was all, "The trial isn't until next month. I can make arrangements w/Gordon 2 take sum time off." Liz was, like, "I've just started a new teaching job. What R they going 2 say when I ask them 2 find a sub?" Ooh, so Liz does know abt the whole "sub" concept now! No dragging the entire class 2 court 4 a civics lesson? NEway, Anthony was, like, "4 yr sake, Elizabeth, I wish it had never happened." Again w/"Elizabeth"! And Liz was like, "Well, U can wish as hard as U like--but wishing never changez NEthing." Liz sed she got this v. uncomfortable feeling & then looked out of the corner of her eye an' noticed Anthony giving her this wistful gaze. And he had a thot bubble that sed, "I know."

Argh, Anthony, obsessed much?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:03 AM  

9 Comments:

  • At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Your civics lesson is a great idea, I'm going to ask the principal today, but I'm worried the talk in court will be too scary for them, so I called Mr. Care and Mr. Benis to ask them if maybe we could use nicer terms for things like "he grabbed my ta-ta" and "his wee-wee was hard" and "I think he was going to try to put his wee-wee in my hoo-hoo or my bum-bum," actually that would make me feel more comfortable too.

    You should stop saying bad things about Anthony, it's not his fault he's madly in love with me, it's just natural, Mom says all men want to marry a Patterson woman, you're lucky, all the ones I don't want to marry will probably want to marry you too, it's kind of fun to tease them until you go and marry your childhood sweetheart, or whoever.

    Paul and I have not been talking on the phone as much, it's hard for me to talk to somebody who is part of the justice system, they are just not very sensitive to us victims.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister and her platonic friend Anthony talking about the subpoenas they received for the Howard Bunt trial. Your sister and I had a fight about it during our last phone conversation.

    She said she didn’t want to have to beg off work so soon after starting a new job, because she might be branded as a slacker or some kind of troublemaker. I told your sister that someone who is being brave and testifying against a criminal is not a slacker or troublemaker. I said she should think of the other women who were attacked and had it worse than she did. It’s not being troublemaker to help out someone else worse off. Then she said, “You see. It’s the same with those other women. If they had just pressed charges like they were supposed to, instead of waiting for me to do it, then Howard would already be in jail, and he never would have attacked me, and I wouldn’t have to miss any days teaching school.” I said, “But if you don’t testify and put Howard away, then there will be even more other women Howard will attack.” Then your sister said, “But those other women probably aren’t just starting a new job. Paul, focus on what’s important. My job.” I told my sweet girl I was already very aware she considered her job to be more important than most other things.

    Then she said she did not want to have to explain being attacked to her fellow teachers, because a Patterson does not like explaining their personal life to anyone. She talked about how she spent 2 years in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) keeping people out of her personal life, and she didn’t want to have to do that at Glenallen School also. I told her fellow teachers would probably support her in defending other women from being attacked by Howard. I told her sometimes sharing your personal life is a good thing, so people can understand why you are doing the things you do. Your sister said, “I can’t believe you would say a thing like this to me. You know how important it is for me to keep my personal life to myself.” I told my sweet girl, I was already very aware she considered the privacy of her personal life to be more important than most other things.

    Then she said she was afraid that people would start using native humour and give her an unflattering nickname like “Woman Who Was Attacked by Howard Bunt” or “Woman Howard Bunt Likes to Grab.” I told her even in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) no one would ever give her a nickname like that. I told her I doubted anyone in Milborough would use native humour. It is more likely they would use puns. Your sister said, “You want my fellow teachers to make puns about me? Like Elizabeth Slackerson, or ‘She Lies About’ Patterson. You are too cruel. Puns should never be used to make fun of me.” I told my sweet girl, I was already very aware she considered the pun to be something only used to make fun of other people and not herself.

    Then she said she couldn’t talk to me, because it was obvious since I am a member of the justice system, I was not sensitive to her feelings as a victim. Then she hung up. When I called back, she didn’t answer.

    I talked to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper about it. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), as far as I am concerned, the more time Elizabeth Patterson spends away from her students, the better off they will be. I hope she has a long trial date and has to testify for many days.” I said, “Why is that, Chipper?” Chipper said, “Let me give you an example. You remember Jesse Mukwa?” I said, “How could I forget that little scamp?” Chipper said, “Well the little scamp can’t read or write anywhere near his level. Elizabeth mails him packages and sends him letters, and he can’t respond to your girlfriend, because he can’t read or write. His aunt Marg has to reply on his behalf. He’s 2 years behind where he should be. At his age, he should be able to write a basic thank you note.” I told Chipper I was sorry Jesse was doing so poorly in school, but I knew she could teach Jesse.” Chipper said, “Jesse is doing great now, but he has a long way to go. After the first couple of days of class, I told him to stop spending so much time trying to think of something funny to say and disrupting class, and instead learn how to write that funny thing down. That way he can write jokes to Elizabeth Patterson all he wants. Jesse was inspired. He’s actually learning to read and write. It never occurred to him that the greatest humourists of all time were writers. It’s boys like Jesse who have been given a poor education, which are my whole reason for wanting to teach.” When I heard Chipper speak so warmly about teaching, I was very proud of her and her mission to help our people. I haven’t felt as proud of a teacher, since I first met your sister last autumn during her stargazing lesson.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Since my trial is not until next month, my lawyer Mr. Benis wants Marjee and me to start planning a fake wedding. I called your brother and asked him if he had any recommendations for how to do a fake wedding, since I have heard his went very well. He said I should talk to his wife or his mother-in-law, who apparently did everything in the wedding except the pictures and picking your sister-in-law’s dress.

    When I called your sister-in-law, she answered the phone and said, “Who is the caller?” I said, “Howard Bunt.” Then she said, “If the caller is Elly Patterson, then tell her 'Hello Elly. Have I told you today you put the grand in grandma?' If the caller is Mike Patterson, then tell him, 'Stay out as late as you want, Michael darling. I'll take care of the kids.' If the caller is Mira Sobinski, then hang up. If the caller is Wilf Sobinski, then tell him ‘Hello, Dad. I’m busy watching Amazing Tool Shops’ and then hang up. If the caller is Ardith Narayan, then tell her, 'I will be right over to pick up the kids.' If the caller is April Patterson, tell her ‘My official opinion as a pharmacist is that underage girls should not have birth control pills.’ If the caller is Carleen Stein, then pass information update data files on Mike and Josef’s carnal desires. If the caller is Josef Weeder, then tell him, 'Josef. Mike is (If Mike home = No, then 'not home', Else if Mike home = Yes, then 'available for a visit').' If the caller is Howard Bunt, then tell him ‘Go to Hell!’ and then slam down the phone. For all other callers say, ‘Mike is too busy to come to the phone. Please try again later.’ Processing.” Then there was a pause and she said, “Go to Hell!” And then the phone was slammed down.

    Then I called Mira Sobinski and I tried to ask her, but she said she was too busy buying a "twin stroller" to replace the piece of junk, secondhand stroller given by your sister-in-law Deanna to Ardith Narayan to use for your nephew Robin and Ardith’s youngest Cerys. She started going on about how you should never buy a stroller when the seller says, “I’m sad to see it go, but not because it was a good stroller. But because my kids have outgrown it and they are not as easy to control as when I could strap their little heinies in the stroller and keep them from moving around and getting into trouble.”

    Since all of those attempts failed, I am asking you if you remember any of the details of your brother’s fake wedding. Anything you can remember would be helpful.

    By the way, if you are around Becky today, you should avoid the words, “marriage” or “engagement.”

    Thanks,
    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 6:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, my mom had steph help her make an online scrapbook abt the wedding. it's got deets abt the romona keveza gown an' a buncha other stuff.

    apes

     

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Thanks for the reference. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, since your mother’s only contribution to the fake wedding was the dress, that almost everything there about the wedding is about the dress. The dress part is confusing to me, because I seem to remember someone telling me Deanna’s dress was off-the-rack, but these notes indicate a designer created the dress especially for Deanna. It doesn’t matter. My parents would pay for a designer dress for Marjee Mahaha only if we were actually getting married and not fake married.

    The other non-dress parts:

    Mr. Carl Ptashnik performed the ceremony. Friends and family attended the celebration from as far away as British Columbia. The reception was held at the local legion and a succulent dinner, which included Cornish Game Hen, was served. The wedding cake was cut by the couple and presented for dessert - after photos of course! During the reception the DJ spun a variety of vinyl keeping the dance floor busy!

    Vinyl? Vinyl? Aside from the sound effects required for some Hip-Hop music, who spins vinyl anymore? Your brother’s fake wedding was in 2001, not 1981. I guess most DJs who spin Bobbie Curtola would still use vinyl. Just the thought of that makes me a little ill.

    Cornish Game Hen was a very trendy game bird domesticated for cooking some years back, but I don’t think I will go this way. I’ll probably cater the wedding myself and no Legion Hall for Marjee and me. Their dance floors are usually not polished hardwood, which you need for proper dancing. So many things to do.

    By the way, Marjee may ask you to be a bridesmaid, but given your family situation, I don’t know if you can accept. I think Marjee wants Becky to be her maid of honour, but first she has to talk to Thorvald about giving her away at the fake wedding. I recommended that Marjee make sure Becky was not armed before she asked Becky that question.

    I’m going to pick out some flowers now. This is going to be such good practice for my real wedding in 2 years to Becky.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April, Howard made an appointment for me to try on gowns at Romona Keveza's bridal boutique, after he confirmed that she has off-the-rack gowns as well as custom. Vicki's going with me, since Birth-Mom Marilyn is still away and my adoptive mother lives too far away. It's just as well, because I think my mothers would be disappointed that this won't be real wedding planning.

    April, I'm not going to ask you to be a bridesmaid, since that would put you into such an awkward position. And as much as I'd like to ask Becky to be maid of honour, she's let me know that she'd sooner kill me! So, Vicki's to be maid of honour, Sugar Van Renssalaer matron of honour, and Eva will be a bridesmaid, along with some beauty-school friends of mine, Trixi Matterhorn, LaVern Porter, and Suki La Douce.

    Well, I'm very excited about the gown shopping, even though it's for fake-wedding planning.

    Marjee

     

  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, rebeccah got so mad 'bout howard's fake marriage, she asked me 2 fake marry her. i told her no1 wud b-lieve it cuz u hafta b @least 18 or 16 w/ur ‘rents permission 4 a legal weddin’ & we’re both 15. i sed our fake marriage wudn’t b legal, so every1 wud know it wuz fake. rebeccah sed we cud get married n the dominican republic. i sed, “y wud we do that? the only reason we r fake engaged iz so it won’t look like u got dumped by howard. if we go 2 the dominican republic, it will b like michael jackson & lisa marie presley & no1 wunts 2b compared 2 thoze 2 freaks.” rebeccah agreed w/that.

    i dunno if she can go a whole month w/howie & marjee doin’ this fake marriage thing. ‘course i dunno wut good the whole fake marriage thing iz gonna do. every1 knowz ur sis will walk n2 the courtroom, the judge will say, “howard bunt. how dare u go aftah a patterson & not be her childhood sweetheart? i ‘m giving u the death penalty or life imprisonment or sumthin’ like that.” if were howard, i wud b leavin’ the province & changin’ my name.

     

  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I know all about problems with a new job. I remember when I first worked at Portrait Magazine and got fired for doing my award-winning and very profitable expose on the designer Divala. For a brief moment there, I thought everything mom and dad told me about being a Patterson was a lie. I should have never doubted my Pattersonian abilities. It all turned out for the best and in a few months I got hired to replace the man who fired me.

    I told Elizabeth that if her school fires her for doing her civic duty and getting Howard Bunt put in prison for the rest of his life, then she may feel bad for awhile, but the school would probably rehire her as the principal, after the old principal got fired for firing her. That seemed to cheer the old Lizardbreath right up. She said, “If I were principal, then I could make the school follow the native ways of doing things. I hope I get fired, so I can get rehired with a promotion.” I think Elizabeth is looking forward to asking for the time off now to testify in court now, although she may be disappointed if they don’t fire her.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, just don't try 2 get fired, k? i think 4 this kinda patterson gd luck, u hafta not b trying, and then get fired 4 doing what u think u shd do.

    apes

     

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