Stoopid Scooter Story
Well, I was rite. When Mom an' I went 2 bring Dixie-ratdog 2 Gramps 4 a visit, he had a lame story abt their shopping trip 2 the Megamart Superstop. Have I mentioned that I h8 Gramps's scooter? He doesn't hafta walk now @ all, just ride the stoopid scooter, so his muscles can atrophy, his spine can b-come even more permanently deformed, and he can hurry up 2 his grave(s). Oh, but it has a lil basket in the front that he and Iris can use 4 their shopping, insteada just using, like, a shopping cart that actually has enuf room 4 all the stuff they wanna buy, so that makes it all worth it eh?
NEway, Iris started loading up Gramp's idiotic basket w/shirts, pillowz, blankets, Puppy Treets, bathroom tissue, an' who knowz what else. She got a bit absent minded as she was guiding the scooter 2 the checkout line. W/the basket piled so high, it's not possible 2 C 2 steer the dumb thing (unsafe!), so sum1 hasta guide it. Well, it wasn't until after Iris had paid and was abt 2 guide the cart out in2 the lot that another biddy came up 2 her, all, "Xxcuse me! That's my husband! Yrs is over here." This other lady an' Iris had accidentally switched scooters and paid 4 ea other's shopping items. Mom an' I totally LOL'ed @ this story. Mom was sitting on the Chesterfield having a cup of tea, and I was actually leaning on the counter, one arm down and the other supporting my head, laffing like this was the best comedy evah, as Gramps sed, "And the worst part is... She sed it cd have happened 2 NEbody."
Nah, I don't think that's the worst part. And I don't know Y I laffed, cuz now I just think it was sad, sad, sad. Gramps: Get rid of the atrophy-mobile, str8en up, and use a friggin' shopping cart!
Anthony, if U use thoze rhymes in yr court testimony, don't 4get 2 wave yr arms around a lot, wink @ the jury, & make kissy faces 2 the judge. That all wd go perfectly w/yr rhymes!
Apes
NEway, Iris started loading up Gramp's idiotic basket w/shirts, pillowz, blankets, Puppy Treets, bathroom tissue, an' who knowz what else. She got a bit absent minded as she was guiding the scooter 2 the checkout line. W/the basket piled so high, it's not possible 2 C 2 steer the dumb thing (unsafe!), so sum1 hasta guide it. Well, it wasn't until after Iris had paid and was abt 2 guide the cart out in2 the lot that another biddy came up 2 her, all, "Xxcuse me! That's my husband! Yrs is over here." This other lady an' Iris had accidentally switched scooters and paid 4 ea other's shopping items. Mom an' I totally LOL'ed @ this story. Mom was sitting on the Chesterfield having a cup of tea, and I was actually leaning on the counter, one arm down and the other supporting my head, laffing like this was the best comedy evah, as Gramps sed, "And the worst part is... She sed it cd have happened 2 NEbody."
Nah, I don't think that's the worst part. And I don't know Y I laffed, cuz now I just think it was sad, sad, sad. Gramps: Get rid of the atrophy-mobile, str8en up, and use a friggin' shopping cart!
Anthony, if U use thoze rhymes in yr court testimony, don't 4get 2 wave yr arms around a lot, wink @ the jury, & make kissy faces 2 the judge. That all wd go perfectly w/yr rhymes!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:18 AM
12 Comments:
At 10:26 AM,
howard said…
April,
I read Anthony’s rhymes and I enjoyed them quite a bit myself. I hope he takes all your suggestions and comes up with more on his own. I believe that just the right testimony from Anthony Caine could make a lot of difference in my case. When I get put in jail, I will have a good memory to sustain me. I only hope that if you see his testimony you will be able to hold up your head and your body on something.
Howard Bunt
At 10:45 AM,
April Patterson said…
hm, yeah, i shd make sure i have a way 2 brace myself, eh, howard?!?!?
apes
At 12:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I'm sure you saw Becky's insulting, threatening post to me here last night. Well, Becky, I was only doing what Howard's lawyer asked me to do. He told me I had to do it, to save Howard's life. You say you love him so much, so don't you want to save his life? Anyway, right after Howard and I had our PDA in the park, Becky dragged Jeremy Jones into the park for a PDA of her own, and Officer Luggsworth almost turned the fire hoses on them!
Marjee
At 4:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u wudn’t b-lieve it. it’s the freakiest thing. but doin’ a pda n the park iz like the cube thing 2 do theze dayz. aftah rebeccah finished doin’ a pda w/me, she started walkin’ off w/anothah guy. it turned out 2b duncan anderson. then i heard zandra larson say, “xxuse me. that’s my bf. urs iz ovah here.” then zandra pointed ovah 2 nolan searz. rebeccah got confuzed & sed, “he’z not my bf. hiz ‘rents don’t want me 2c him nemore.” then nolan sed, “iz that u rebeccah? sum1 dragged me 2 the park 4 a pda, & i thot it wuz u.” then rebeccah went ovah 2 nolan & started walkin’ off w/him, wen shannon lake sed, “xxcuze...me! that’s...my...bf! urs...iz...ovah...here.” & she pointed ovah @me. then nolan sed, “shannon? were u the 1 who dragged me ovah her 4 a pda pretendin’ u were rebeccah?” shannon sed, “mebbe.”
then rebeccah spotted me & started walkin’ off w/me wen i heard eva abuya say, “xxcuze me! that’s my bf! urs iz ovah here.” & she pointed back 2 nolan again, but he was walkin’ off w/shannon lake. rebeccah sed, “this iz my fiancé, so i claim him.” then eva sed, “no, he’z ur fake fiancé. he’z my bf.” then rebeccah sed, “the guy u want iz ovah there w/zandra.” then eva sed, “not while he’z w/zandra, i don’t.” then rebeccah sed, “i brot jeremy here & i did my pda w/him. he’z mine 2 take.” then eva sed, “if u alreddy did ur pda w/him, then wut do u need him 4?” rebeccah sed, “u ran off & left him, so i claim him.” eva sed, “i changed my mind. cowgirl’s prerogative.” they started 2 get n each othah’z face, when officer luggsworth turned the hose on them. he sed, “sorry. i wuz aimin’ 4 that couple ovah there & missed. it could have happed 2 nebody.” then i thot i heard u laffin’ & then this “thunk” sound like sum1 hittin’ the ground & i thot i heard ur voice sayin’, “gotta brace myself next tyme.” but i didn’t cu.
neway, eva & rebeccah were both soaked & they sed, “jeremy. walk me home.” i thot i wuz gonna b n real trub, till i remembahed the way 2 rebeccah’z house & eva’z house wuz the same way. so we started walkin’ & the whole way rebeccah wuz, “go away eva. he’z my fiancé.” & eva wuz, “no. u go away. he’z my bf.” wen we got 2 rebeccah’z house, howard & marjee mahaha were w8in’ outside 4 rebeccah w/sum dry clothez & kinda grabbed her 2 talk ‘bout sumthin’. so i walked eva back 2 her house & she went nside & that wuz ‘bout it till i ran n2 u & u told me u were takin' gerald home aftah doin' a pda n the park wen sum1 stopped u & pointed out u were w/gerald's bro & not gerald. i wud think u cud tell the diffrence, but since u spent mosta the summer kissin' on gerald'z bro while gerald wuz @viking camp, mebbe u lost that ability. thoze guyz look 2 much alike, it coulda happed 2 nebody.
At 5:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather) and your nokomis (grandmother) shopping. It reminded me of something that happened when I was visiting Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), when your sister lived there. We had dinner once with Gary and Vivian Crane, because Vivian said I needed a dinner with a firm foundation. I didn’t understand what she meant. I still don’t.
After dinner was done, Elizabeth said she needed to walk me back to my relatives' house, where I was staying the night, but instead of going to me, she went to Gary Crane and started dragging him away. Vivian said, “Excuse me. That’s my husband. Your boyfriend is over there.” My sweet girl was very embarrassed. She said, “But they look so much alike and Paul isn’t wearing his uniform.” Vivian said, “It could have happened to anyone. The way I tell the difference is my husband has the hairline like the zagaskway (blood-sucker) Dracula. Paul has the hair which says he doesn’t know what a comb is.” Your sister said she would never make that mistake again. And for the most part, she didn’t.
I visited with my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. I told her the story about my sweet girl and the story about your gikaawin (grandparents). She said, “Suds (her nickname for me) I am not surprised Elizabeth isn’t the only one in her family who has a hard time telling people apart. Two girls in my class, Alice and Ellen told me Elizabeth had problems telling them apart.” You can tell your nokomis (grandmother) Iris she can feel better. What happened to her, really could happen to anyone.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I had a PDA with Nolan Sears. I knew he wouldn’t go out with me, so I fooled him into thinking I was Becky McGuire. I wore a lot of my mother’s perfume. Then I went to Nolan’s house and said to his mom, “Can Nolan come to the park with me for a PDA?” His mother said, “What’s a PDA?” I said, “Physical Disability Appeal.” His mother said it was all right. Then when Nolan came out, he said, “Shannon?” I said, “No. It is I, the great Rebeccah. Worship me.” Nolan said, “Mom said there was a Physical Disability Appeal at the park.” I said, “That’s right. Come with me and I will make you look good, just by being with you, since I am so wonderful and talented and smart and beautiful.”
Then Nolan went with me, and it was a good thing he has good sense of direction, because I would have gotten lost. When we got to the park, there were all these people kissing. When we got there, Officer Luggsworth said, “Are you two here for the Public Displays of Affection?” Nolan said, “No, we are here for the Physical Disability Appeal.” Officer Luggsworth said, “Good. Then I won’t have to hose you down.” Then Nolan said, “Where is the Physical Disability Appeal? All I hear is people kissing and being hosed down.” I said, “It is over this way, but first you must bask in my glory, the glory of the superb and fabulous Rebeccah.” Nolan said, “You are acting a little more self-centered than usual.” I said, “When you are as perfect as I am, you can’t help it.” Nolan said, “Maybe so, but you seem to stutter more than a perfect person would.” Before I could answer that, Becky spotted Nolan and tried to lead him away, but I stopped her. I took Nolan back home and I said, “It’s a good thing I was here to rescue you from Becky McGuire.” Nolan said, “Thanks Shannon. You’re really nice.”
I almost got us lost on the way back to Nolan’s house, but he seemed to know the way. Things went so well with him, I couldn’t believe it. It was a really good day.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 6:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i didn't get a chance 2 xxplain 2 u abt ger an' his bro. u c, ger's bro showed up @ the park by himself hoping he'd b able 2 pick up a girl an' have a pda w/her. i was there w/ger, doing the trendy pda thing. when u heard me laffing and falling it was ger had just told me abt a funny thing that happed 1x @ viking camp. neway, after that, when every1 was getting ready 2 leave, ger's bro came up 2 us and he was mad cuz he cdn't pick up ne1 4 a pda. he told ger that he (ger) had 2 let him (his bro) walk me home, or else he (ger's bro) wd punch him (ger) in the stomach. that was y u saw me w/him (ger's bro) and not him (ger).
apes
At 8:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Of the choices you had for your Blog entry today, I and the rest of the family are quite happy you decided to concentrate how Grandpa Jim's scooter is going to cause his muscles to atrophy, his spine to become permanently deformed, and speed up his death; and Iris' increased dementia; and the fact that you and mom would derive so much humour from Grandpa Jim's public telling of the story to get revenge on Iris after all the times she has humiliated him in the past. We are quite happy you ignored the most serious problem of the day, which was Dixie's eyesight. Her pupils roll around her eyes and aside from that being a most distressing thing to see, apparently it is even worse to find her constantly running into things around the house. Mom says it is even worse than the tendency our family has developed of blinking unexpectedly, which I think you will admit has been driving us to slow insanity ever since it started. Poor Dixie. Mom is thinking about lining the walls and doors with pillows and cushions, so she won't hurt herself too much. I hope you are doing your part to help, and not running around the park doing PDAs with your boyfriend.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
mom told me that she sed that 2 u abt the pillowz and cushions, but then she laffed an' sed u believed her & she cdn't believe she had u going like that. i asked what was so funny, and she sed, "pillows! what wd b the fun of that?" i just looked @ her, like confused, and she sed, "april! if a dog w/poor eyesight goes running in2 a PILLOW? there's no comedy 2 that, no slapstick! where's the humour?" i sed it wdn't b that funny if dixie got hurt, and she called me a spoilsport. mayB we can get dixie sum doggie lasik surgery.
apes
At 10:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I wish I had someone to do PDAs with! I HAVE NO BUMSEN! I really miss the intimacy that came on our anniversary and my birthday.
Sometimes I have fantasies about hanging out with the "swinger" set and doing M&Ms or forty-niners. That's one of the reasons I grew this hot 'stache, to pull the babes, but I never got up the courage to order the "25¢ Mustache Rides" shirt from Spencer Gifts.
But as Liz told me, "that's why they're called fantasies, Anthony, because people only do that stuff in their heads or very disgusting movies that just fake it with plastic parts anyway."
So I'm resolved to stay celibate until I can have a special someone fully and legally. And unlike a certain departed ex who shall remain nameless, I bet she won't wear dishwashing gloves while she satisfies me during marital petting.
Anthony
At 12:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Okay, I feel like telling you and your friends a little more about the day I got the suppeena, Anthony told me I should, since he plays a part in the next part of this story of many parts.
Well after I got the suppeena Anthony called up and said he got one too and asked if he could come over to talk to me about it, I asked "why don't we talk about it over the phone?" and he said it was because then I couldn't see his suppeena over the phone, Anthony is so smart. I quick ran and put my contacts in and put on some makeup because you don't want your platonic friends to see you in your glasses without makeup, but of course I left my "around the house" clothes on and my hair in a bun, because as you know April those things make Patterson women attractive to other men, just look how totally gaga Gerald is over you with your propeller bun and you don't dress slutty like your friend "Bergythora" or whatever she's calling herself nowadays.
Well Anthony came over and we sat outside on one of the porches and I asked Anthony "why would you get a suppeena?" and Anthony explained that it was because he was there that day to witness the attack so he would have to testify, like I said before, Anthony is a genius. I was upset because I'm going to have to remember the details of that day, and I've been thinking about it, and it was awful. Here's what happened:
1. Lawrence and Nick left the office.
2. Howard came in and talked to me, it was annoying.
3. Howard called me pretty and grabbed me.
4. Howard grabbed the front of my t-shirt.
5. I yelled for help and my hair fell out of its bun.
6. Anthony grabbed Howard off me.
7. Anthony choked Howard until he looked like an old man.
8. Anthony twisted Howard's ear.
9. Howard ran away.
10. Anthony said I was the only thing in his life worth fighting for.
11. Anthony agreed that my policy of pretending everybody is good even if they aren't is a good one.
12. Anthony hugged me very, very close.
13. The other landscape guys came in and made jokes about wanting to hit Howard.
14. The other landscape guys gave me a whole day off of work for almost getting gone after.
15. Anthony said he would give me a ride home.
16. Anthony begged me to take him back even though he was still married.
17. Anthony stopped the car and made me go walk with him in the park.
18. I put my hair back in a bun to show I am no homewrecker.
19. Anthony said Therese doesn't love him anymore, she only loves her work.
20. Anthony asked me to wait for him.
21. I don't want to tell you what I said to that so I am not going to write anything for this part until after Anthony took me home.
22. I burned the butt off Mom's casserole.
23. I accidentally told Mom some personal stuff about my life, oops.
24. I cuddled with Shiimsa and she made it all better.
I am sure you can pick out which parts are the most disturbing and hardest to think about from that list, it's pretty obvious right?
Then Anthony said that people like Howard should be off the streets and I thought to myself that people like Howard should be off the planet, but you know what I mean, I was thinking about how wrong Canada was to outlaw the death penalty, I just don't get that, do you?
Well you can use whatever parts of this you want for your blog tomorrow, it's fine.
Liz
At 12:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
10. Anthony said I was the only thing in his life worth fighting for.
Did he really say that? Um..doesn't he have a daughter? I kind of figured he didn't really love his kid, but only wanted one because he thought he'd look like a man. He probably has some Guatemalan or English nanny look after her while he's busy stalking Elizabeth.
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