April's Real Blog

Monday, September 11, 2006

Casual, Anthony, REAL Casual!

So, of course, wdn't U know that when Anthony got served w/his subpoena, he used that as an xxcuse 2 come over and talk 2 Liz abt it. Over coffee. NEway, Liz posted abt what happed in last nite's comments:
April,

Okay, I feel like telling you and your friends a little more about the day I got the suppeena, Anthony told me I should, since he plays a part in the next part of this story of many parts.

Well after I got the suppeena Anthony called up and said he got one too and asked if he could come over to talk to me about it, I asked "why don't we talk about it over the phone?" and he said it was because then I couldn't see his suppeena over the phone, Anthony is so smart. I quick ran and put my contacts in and put on some makeup because you don't want your platonic friends to see you in your glasses without makeup, but of course I left my "around the house" clothes on and my hair in a bun, because as you know April those things make Patterson women attractive to other men, just look how totally gaga Gerald is over you with your propeller bun and you don't dress slutty like your friend "Bergythora" or whatever she's calling herself nowadays.

Well Anthony came over and we sat outside on one of the porches and I asked Anthony "why would you get a suppeena?" and Anthony explained that it was because he was there that day to witness the attack so he would have to testify, like I said before, Anthony is a genius. I was upset because I'm going to have to remember the details of that day, and I've been thinking about it, and it was awful. Here's what happened:

1. Lawrence and Nick left the office.
2. Howard came in and talked to me, it was annoying.
3. Howard called me pretty and grabbed me.
4. Howard grabbed the front of my t-shirt.
5. I yelled for help and my hair fell out of its bun.
6. Anthony grabbed Howard off me.
7. Anthony choked Howard until he looked like an old man.
8. Anthony twisted Howard's ear.
9. Howard ran away.
10. Anthony said I was the only thing in his life worth fighting for.
11. Anthony agreed that my policy of pretending everybody is good even if they aren't is a good one.
12. Anthony hugged me very, very close.
13. The other landscape guys came in and made jokes about wanting to hit Howard.
14. The other landscape guys gave me a whole day off of work for almost getting gone after.
15. Anthony said he would give me a ride home.
16. Anthony begged me to take him back even though he was still married.
17. Anthony stopped the car and made me go walk with him in the park.
18. I put my hair back in a bun to show I am no homewrecker.
19. Anthony said Therese doesn't love him anymore, she only loves her work.
20. Anthony asked me to wait for him.
21. I don't want to tell you what I said to that so I am not going to write anything for this part until after Anthony took me home.
22. I burned the butt off Mom's casserole.
23. I accidentally told Mom some personal stuff about my life, oops.
24. I cuddled with Shiimsa and she made it all better.

I am sure you can pick out which parts are the most disturbing and hardest to think about from that list, it's pretty obvious right?

Then Anthony said that people like Howard should be off the streets and I thought to myself that people like Howard should be off the planet, but you know what I mean, I was thinking about how wrong Canada was to outlaw the death penalty, I just don't get that, do you?

Well you can use whatever parts of this you want for your blog tomorrow, it's fine.

Liz
Liz, I think the court's really only gonna B interested in the Howard part, not all that Anthony stuff from #10 on. But what do I know, I'm just a kid.

Apes

26 Comments:

  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister and her platonic friend Anthony talking about the subpoenas they received for the Howard Bunt trial. I should be happy my sweet girl has someone who can support her testimony that Howard Bunt attacked her. Instead, just thinking about it makes my back get sharp pains.

    During our daily conversation yesterday, your sister asked me a lot of questions about how Canada could reinstate the death penalty. Then she said, “What can I do to get Howard off the planet?” I asked her if she was serious. She said she was very serious and she wanted me to read this website about outer space prisons. I said I doubted it could be built by the time Howard Bunt had his trial. Then my sweet girl said, “What about the Phantom Zone?” I said I had no idea what she was talking about. Then she pointed me to this website. I said I didn’t think the Phantom Zone was used for anything but the most desperate supervillains and was certainly not a part of the Canadian justice system. Then your sister said, “What is the good of having a policeman for a boyfriend, if he can’t do a little thing like have someone taken off the planet? You don’t care how I feel.” I said, “I do care how you feel. If you let me know the time and place of the trial, I will get time off from work and come down to Milborough to be there for you.” Then your sister said, “That won’t be necessary, Paul. You should stay in Otter County. You’re needed there.” I said, “But you’re my girlfriend, and you may need my help. It doesn’t sound like the prosecutors are taking proper care of you.” Then your sister said, “They are doing a great job. Don’t come down Paul. It will mess things up.” I said, “What would it mess up?” Then your sister said, “The trial and stuff.” I said, “I want you to know that I love you and I will do what I can to help.” Your sister said, “That’s so sweet, Ant…I mean Paul.” My back really hurt after that conversation.

    I visited with my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. I told her the story about my sweet girl and her platonic friend Anthony and the Howard Bunt trial. She read over the list of things my sweet girl said she remembered. Then she said, “Suds (her nickname for me). I hope the Crown puts Howard away for a long time. But if it happens, it’s going to happen because of those other women. If Elizabeth says everything else that happened, it’s going to make her look like the assault didn’t mean anything more to her than a burnt casserole.” I hope Chipper is wrong, but she may be right.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    In my apartment I have a roket, which I planned to use on Becky McGuire. But if your sister wants to use it on Howard, I will let her borrow it to get Howard off the planet.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     
  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Wow! I knew Elizabeth didn’t like me much these days, but “off the planet” and death penalty? That seems a little extreme for someone who grabbed her and stretched her T-shirt a little while I was waiting for Anthony to pretend attack me. She is certainly not following in the footsteps of your mother, whom Kortney Krelbutz once told me, wouldn’t even press charges against her after she robbed your mother’s store.

    My lawyer wants Marjee and me to make a big deal about wedding preparations today. She want Marjee and me to go to stores with wedding dresses and spend a lot of time shopping where people can see us. Sugar said she would be happy for us to take the time to do that and she is giving us a longer lunch break than usual. Marjee is very excited about this. I am not sure why. I never thought she was the marriage type.

    As for Becky, be nice to her in school. She is not taking the trial thing very well. I think it is because we both know that I can’t get a fair trial against a Patterson in Milborough, and I will be seeing a lot of jail time, no matter how Elizabeth and Anthony perform during the trial.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    don't worry abt b-ing nice 2 me in skool, i'm not there. i m totally skipping so i can follow howie an' marjee around. i borrowed the little axe dad uses 2 chop up kindling 4 his wood stove. if i c marjee do more then kiss howie on the cheek, she's gonna get it btween the shoulder blades. then she can tell paul what real back pain feels like.

    bergthora thorvaldsdottir

     
  • At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I think you are wrong that the court won't care what happened after the attack, I think my whole experience is very important even if it was unpleasant, plus everyone always wants to know what us Pattersons are up to, also I have a feeling that this trial will be as much about me and Anthony as it is about me and Howard, maybe even more so.

    Liz

     
  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    jer i want 2 hear a update frum u on what u r doing 2 b a good fake fiance, u better not b hanging out w/ eva, if u make a mockery of r fake engagement i will b rilly pissed.

    bergthora thorvaldsdottir

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I forgot to add as part of #12 that when Anthony hugged me, I felt something hard, and I asked him if he had his cell phone in his pants, and at first he said no, but then he said, "oh yeah, that's it, my phone."

    Liz

     
  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, wut i am doin’ 2b a good fake fiancé is 2b n skool where u shud b. eva haz mosta her classes w/eva & duncan & gerald. i hardly have ne classes w/her, so i am not hangin’ out w/her, xxcept @lunch, wen i am also hangin’ out w/april & her crowd & not hangin’ out w/u, cuz u aren’t here. if u do come 2 skool, u bettah not have the axe, or u will get n trubble.

    lotsa peeps r askin’ ‘bout the scar eva left on me last week. az u know, jeremy w/a scar meanz sum girl broke up w/jeremy. so every1 thinks eva & me r broken up. zandra larson asked me if we were broken up & i told her ‘bout the fiance thing w/u. zandra sed, “becky mcguire is so grade 10.” i dunno wut she meant by that.

    @lunch, no1 rilly noticed my scar. duncan, duncan, duncan. again this tyme. i dunno wut iz makin’ him the cube guy this semester, but i am startin’ 2 get sick of it. i cud make out w/u all durin’ lunch & i don’t think eva or april wud evn notice. wen they aren’t talkin’ ‘bout duncan, they mention howard’z trial & whether or not april or her dad will get a subpoena cuz april’s sis talked 2 them ‘bout howard a long tyme b4 he attacked her. nobody thinks thass gonna happ tho. they think the whole biz ‘bout april’s sis not reportin’ howard 2 the police or 2 her boss @work iz gonna b completely ignored. every1 @lunch, thinks howard iz gonna get a lotta jail tyme.

     
  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I can't write too coherently about what happened on the porch today. Liz was really made up and beautiful, so it was tough to talk about the stuff we talked about. It was very emotional. I left, feeling kind of shattered. I don't think it's fair that Liz, who I last dated like six years ago, doesn't still think I'm the most important thing in her life. She didn't want to talk about how I'd have to take off work and maybe find a sitter for Francoise or anything. And to top it all all Francoise had made a mess in one of the "safe" rooms you made when I got back. I put her in there sometimes when I have to do stuff, along with a dog-dish of water and some snacks and toys. I call it "parking" and she loves being parked, she's always so happy when she sees me again in a couple of hourse.

    It's that kind innovative of parenting that makes me the dad I am.

    I'm don't know about Mr. Care, this attourney who is handling the prosecution. He only wants to talk about what Howard was doing, what was being said, if Liz was hollering "no." He should realize that Patterson women don't like to be touched that way. There's no emphasis whatsoever on my heroism. I think it's very important that the jury and any newspaper reporters in the courtroom know what a hero I am, otherwise it's like the full story isn't even coming out.

    Mr. Care is a pretty bad attourney, if you ask me. No wonder there are so many people like Howard on the streets instead of in spaceship prisons.

    Anthony

     
  • At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    I called Mr. Care today and told him that if he doesn't make sure everyone knows you are a huge hero he is making a mistake, it will make for great courtroom drama to show that you were like a knight coming to help a fair damsel in distress before the villain took her maidenhead, but Mr. Care says that if he tris to turn the prosecution into a romance novel that Mr. Benis who is Howard's defense lawyer might be allowed to bring in my reputation for not being such a fair damsel, you can't put that stuff at issue, and even though Eric and I totally had separate bedrooms you never know what he might say if he got a suppeena, I kind of assaulted him the last time I saw him which is funny if you think about it because it was funny when I did it to Eric and not funny when Howard did it to me, it's different for boys and girls like that.

    Anthony you are important to me but not most important you can't be just yet because I still have Mom and Dad and Paul in my life, but you are like almost tied with them.

    Liz

     
  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz,

    I've got some very disturbing news.

    It appears that the Bunts, Howard's parents, have hired a private detective. She's Ms. Blitoris of the "Find 'Em and Lick 'Em" Confidential Investigation Agency, which sounds sort of shady to me, and she's probing into my background, especially my accidents involving my mother's medication. Ms. Blitoris was just at my mother's house, as a matter of fact, and made it seem like she was a prosecuting attourney, even though she looks nothing like Mr. Care or Miss Bipple. Despicable!

    I think it's bad sign that she calls herself a "Miz." She's clearly out to dig up dirt on anyone involved in the case. I told Gordon about it and he just asked what kind of car she drove. Maybe he was worried that he'd sold her a car sometime in the past, or to be sure that she'd get a bad deal next time she came into MMM.

    Watch your back! (Athough I like watching your back too. Or your front, for that matter, tee hee!)

    Anthony

     
  • At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    It is so funny you wrote that just now the principal pulled me out of my class and took me to his office and said someone wanted to see me and sure enough when I got there this woman was waiting for me and she said her name was Ms. Bulva and she is Ms. Blitoris's assistant on the case, and she asked me all these questions about my separate bedrooms with Eric and whether you and I were "just friends" and about how come I dated "that fat helicopter pilot" and whether we ever did sex stuff, she said "we know you are not so innocent Miss Patterson" and I was so confused and scared.

    Anthony please tell me that Ms. Blitoris and Ms. Bulva won't go down on me hard like they say they are going to!

    Liz

     
  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Apparently, my long-estranged parents have decided to start throwing money at gathering information for my trial. Aside from my defence lawyer, Mr. Benis, and the private bick, I mean detective, Ms. Blitoris and her assistant Ms. Bulva, they have also hired a big, bulky, and somewhat rubbery bodyguard, Mr. Bondom to make sure I am not harassed by the pro-Patterson parts of the Milborough, and a Mr. Bermicide to check Becky’s house for bugs and surveillance equipment from the year-long surveillance operation the police have had on me. Between Mr. Bondom and Mr. Bermicide, I am feeling very protected and safe right now. Mr. Bermicide found over a 100 wireless microphones and hidden cameras in the house, including 5 inside my underwear drawer. I am really glad I never grabbed anyone and their T-shirt around their boob inside the house, or that would more evidence against me.

    By the way, Becky and her father Thorvald have refocused her anger from Marjee Mahaha to Mr. Care or Miss Bipple. Thorvald McGuire is seeking whatever material may have been recorded in the house, because half-naked or naked pictures of Becky have to be released to the public to coincide with her pop music recording national releases, and not as a part of criminal investigations.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 5:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yeah, it's a good thing that mr. bermicide kinda comes in2 ur place an' knocks out all the little bugs an' other stuff u don't want 2 b there. i feel safer w/ him around.

    hey howie, how come ur parents r suddenly b-ing so cube?

    becks

     
  • At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,


    Little sis. I would not criticize any attempt by Liz to try to remember all the details surrounding her vicious attack. After, just 4 years ago, when the expensive brass train engine was stolen from Lilliput’s, and the persons who stole it turned out to be Kortney Krelbutz’s boyfriend Buck and his friend Bum, mom suddenly remembered it was very suspicious that Kortney had opened the case holding the expensive brass train engine just at the time when the thieves arrived and that Kortney was trying to clean the fingerprints off the case before the police had a chance to look at them. Mom has often said that if she had only taken the time to remember all the details surrounding the case, then the police could have arrested Kortney right then and she wouldn’t have been nearly as embarrassed when Moira Kinney figured out Kortney was a thief 2 years later.

    For example, if Liz happens to remember that Howard did more than call her pretty, grab her and the front of her T-shirt, and make her hair fall out of a bun; then he could go to prison for more years. If Liz really wants Howard to leave the planet, she might want to remember really hard if Howard did more things. After all, in the funniest part of my novel, when Sheilagh Shaughnessy murders her unloving husband Harvey Rood, by burning him to death in his sleep, she suddenly remembers how her husband used to menace and threaten violence to her while he was sleep-walking. Maybe Liz could remember something about Howard like that. I’m sure if Liz remembers things correctly, Howard could go to prison for a long time, particularly if Liz consults with Anthony Caine about what she remembers to see if he remembers it too. Memory is a tricky thing. Sometimes, you find that you remember more things a year after something happened than right after it happened. You should encourage Liz to remember. After all, we don’t want Howard Bunt to turn into another Kortney Krelbutz.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 5:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    My parents were never happier when I told them I was engaged to a young woman and as soon as she turned 18, we were going to get married and have lots of children. My case was ignored for so long, I think they just assumed no one would ever mention it again. Now that my trial is coming up, they are concerned that being married to a convict would not fit as well into your career plans and you would break the engagement. Plus they have heard about how the continuous butt sex in prison can change a man, so even if you didn’t break the engagment, I might, after I got out. That’s the reason why they are suddenly concentrating so hard on trying to keep me out of prison. I appreciate their efforts, but I have no doubt I am going to be doing some prison time. There’s no way I can beat a Patterson in a Milborough court.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 6:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, what's this u r saying abt stuff happening on the porch 2day? u an' liz got yr subpoenas last wk, remember? or did sumthing else happ on the porch 2day that no1's told me abt cuz i'm just a kid?

    there was a big announcement on the pa system abt how if ne1 knew where becky was 2day, they shd tell the principal. shannon wanted 2 tell him, but she cdn't, cuz she didn't know.

    anthony, sum guy calling himself mr. brotum called me up this evening, saying u'd hired him as yr representative and he tried 2 ask me a bunch of questions but mom took the fone away and then went off in2 another room, saying she cd tell him nething he needed 2 know.

    michael, don't u think that memoriez that get clearer a yr l8er cd b a really gd sign of that whole "changed reality" thing we were talking abt the other day, and a signal that it's a gd time 2 check yr notes 2 remember what really happed?!?!?!!?

    apes

     
  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Michael,

    A teacher cannot tell a lie, it's in the schoolteacher's oath that we take, something about through snow and sleet and rain, we will teach bravely, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, and we cannot tell a lie because our truth is marching on. I don't remember the whole thing but it goes something like that.

    So I can't remember anything that didn't happen, even if I want Howard to die, I think it would be better if I just lobbied the government to bring back short-drop hanging for crimes against Pattersons.

    Liz

     
  • At 6:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howie, y did this guy called mr. bockancalls show up @ the menswear store where i wuz getting jer fitted w/ appropriate fake fiance clothes an' start going on abt how he wuz there 2 watch out 4 me 24/7, an' he'd use his big gun an' his manly mite 2 hose down all my enemies!? he also sed that ur rents want a big old bockancalls to protect the womb that will bear ur future fruit while u r in the slam. i think ur rents have gone totally overboard.

    becks

     
  • At 7:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I don’t know about “changed reality” affecting Liz’s memory. She does seem to remember a very complicated schoolteacher’s oath, which just goes to show she still has all the integrity of a Patterson, even though she will be testifying in court, which proper Pattersons do not do. What I feel very confident about is that, under the strain of testifying against Howard Bunt, if we are allowed to be aware of Liz’s actual testimony, then we will hear things about this whole sordid affair we have never heard before. Whether this is due to remembering things or “changed reality” I cannot say.

    For example, Sheilagh Shaughnessy told me that murdering her unloving husband Harvey Rood, by burning him to death in his sleep, is too similar to The Burning Bed, so instead Harvey is going to bleed to death after Sheilagh cuts his wee-wee off with a knife. It is going to be hysterical to have Harvey running around the farm spending his last few moments trying to find his missing wee-wee. But this was not due to a “changed reality.” It was not because my Dee read my most recent draft and said I was “ripping off” that old The Burning Bed movie. It was because sometimes things change because someone complains about the way it was. Every time I think about this whole situation with Howard Bunt, I get that feeling.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I must disagree with you strongly about Mr. Bockancalls. I think 24/7 guarding of you is very appropriate and I thanked my parents personally for sending Mr. Bockancalls to be at your beck and call. By the way, I hope you don’t mind if Mr. Bockancalls spends the night at our house to better improve your protection. I think I have enough room to find a place for Mr. Bockancalls to sleep in my bedroom. He may be big, but I am sure I can squeeze him in.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u shud c this guy bockancalls. there iz no way he cud defend ne1. a certain part of hiz bod wud get n the way. he looks like he shud have anthony’s moustache. he iz more deservin’. we met him wen rebeccah wuz gettin’ me 2 try on morning suits 4 our fake weddin’. aftah that, rebeccah made sum jokes like, “mr. bockancalls bringz new meanin’ 2 the phrase ‘pole dancer’.” or “mr. bockancalls cud do a 3-legged race by himself” or “if i went roadside w/mr. bockancalls, it wud b an elevated highway.” i hafta tell u, i laffed w/my tongue stickin' out.

     
  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mike,

    I think I saw the thing about a man bleeding to death when his wee-wee gets cut off on an episode of Law & Order, I have been watching a lot of reruns of that show to prepare for my courtroom testimony.

    Liz

     
  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    It was because sometimes things change because someone complains about the way it was. Every time I think about this whole situation with Howard Bunt, I get that feeling.

    omg, mike, that's xxactly the kinda thing mom was talking abt when she told me abt this whole "changed reality" thing the other day. ppl complained abt "the way it was" w/the whole howard thing last yr, and now the witch of the north is changing reality. try 2 keep up, mike!

    apes

     
  • At 9:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Sorry but my notes say that the "changed reality" thing was Josef Weeder's idea and not mom's. No, wait. Now my notes say it was Lovey Saltzman. That makes more sense. She is very wise.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 9:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, mike, don't u realize what is going on? sum1 is changing yr notes! prolly the witch of corbeil, just 2 show u she can! mike, if we can't count on our notes, then what can we count on?!?!?!?!

    apes

     

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