April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Chasing Cats 4 Cuddles?

Liz told me that she was hanging up the fone after having had a convo w/Paul, and she was thinking, "I wish Paul was here. Talking 2 him on the fone just isn't enuf." Then she saw Shiimsa lying on the counter and went 2 hug her, thinking, "I need a hug.... ?!" And the "?!" was cuz B4 she got a chance 2 do the hug, Shiimsa leapt off of the counter and started 2 run away. And Liz showed how much she still totally hasn't learned 2 B a "cat person" by CHASING AFTER Shiimsa while yelling, "Shiimsa! Come back here!!" Then, after Liz had chased the kitty in2 Mom's sewing room, Shiimsa went under a cabinet 2 hide. Liz crouched down, stuck an arm under there, and was all, "Come out from under the cabinet! Please? Please? PLEEEASE?" And then she was crouched down like that, with both arms stretched in front of her, and she thot, "And they tell us that only ancient cultures worshipped their cats!"

Hm, well, Liz, U might have been crouched down in a worshipful position, but U totally were NOT worshipping that meow-meow. MayB it's time 4 U 2 review thoze cat-care books 4 "imbeciles" that Vivian Crane wrote 4 U. Especially the chapterz on how if U chase a cat, the cat WILL RUN AWAY FROM YOU AND HIDE. Durrr.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:01 AM  

22 Comments:

  • At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I know I have asked you this question before, but…are you sure your sister is not special needs? When I was little, it took me a long time to learn how to pet a cat. I would see one and run after it, and it would hide from me under things. I got scratched trying to get a cat out from under a cabinet and I cried and cried. Finally, I learned how to pet cats. You have to walk to them slowly and if they run away you don’t chase them. Tell your sister, I can teach her how to pet a cat, if she wants to learn.

    The part of your Blog I really don’t understand is why your sister doesn’t go to you for a hug. You are the nicest girl in Milborough. I know you would hug your sister, even if she smelled stinky. You’ve hugged me a lot of times, so I know you would hug your sister. Maybe you should remind your sister you exist and can give a hug. I am special needs and I know that.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister chasing after her cat Shiimsa for a gikinjigwen (hug). I must tell you this is my fault. I have a particular way I like to give a gikinjigwen (hug), where I hold the person getting the gikinjigwen (hug) by the nindiyaash (bottom) and lift them off the ground for the gikinjigwen (hug). I only do this with people who are shorter than I am, so if I gave your noos (father) a gikinjigwen (hug), I would not lift him; because he is very tall. If I gave you or your ngashi (mother) a gikinjigwen (hug), I would lift you and I would try to lift your mother. When the shorter person getting a gikinjigwen (hug) is lifted, then your arms can go around each other properly. It is not an Ojibway tradition, but it is a tradition in my family.

    My friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, loves to get gikinjigwen (hugs) this way. When I see her, she jumps up so I can get to her nindiyaash (bottom) better. Chipper is very good at gikinjigwen (hugs). When I visit her in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), sometimes she wants to gikinjigwen (hug) me until my arms are too tired to hold her up by her nindiyaash (bottom) anymore. After that, we have to lie down, if we are going to keep giving gikinjigwen (hugs). I have never known anyone who liked gikinjigwen (hugs) as much as Chipper, even your sister.

    I had noticed the last time I was around your sister and her cat Shiimsa, she was trying the same kind of gikinjigwen (hug) with Shiimsa, and Shiimsa did not like it. I told your sister my kind of gikinjigwen (hug) was not very good with animals, except for bears, but I guess my sweet girl is still doing the same kind of gikinjigwen (hug), even though Shiimsa is a cat. I know how she could get confused though. Sometimes when I look at Shiimsa, she looks more like a small bear than a cat.

    I know you are planning to become a veterinarian and you worked with animals for most of August. Maybe you can give your sister a lesson on how to pick up a cat, and remind her that her cat is not a bear, even if she looks like a bear.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Speaking from scratched experience, I would not recommend trying to hug a cat. That's just asking an evening applying band-aids.

    Rob

     

  • At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Mom is a little worried about Elizabeth from the way she has been acting. As you probably know, Elizabeth cancelled her cell phone service so she could save money by using mom’s phone; but mom is getting really tired of the Lizardbreath insisting that no one is upstairs when she calls her constable boyfriend on the wall mounted phone in the guest bedroom, the room mom says used to be your room. Mom said she has her sewing room in the room that used to be my room, before you moved out of it into Liz’s old room, which used to be mom and dad’s old room before they put on the addition. Wait a minute! If my old room is the sewing room and you took over my old room, when Liz moved into mom and dad’s old room, then how could your old room become the guest room? Your old room was my old room, which is now the sewing room. I suppose none of it makes any difference. The point is: Mom can’t sew or be upstairs when the Lizard is on the phone. If she does, then Liz starts going on about, “Don’t complicate things, mom! You’re always complicating things!!”

    Instead mom has to sit downstairs patiently waiting for her to get done and listen to her mumble to herself about wishes and moral support or chase around upstairs screaming after her cat. She tells me when she mentions it to dad, he says, “Yes. Elly. Isn’t it so nice all the kids have grown and gone?” Then when mom points out you and Liz are still there, he says, “They are never home anyway, and they live in their own little worlds. It’s the same as them being gone.” You can tell dad is no help. I can tell mom will not let this go on too long before she says something to Liz.

    On a completely different subject, mom wanted me to look at those pictures on her website saying, “Grandparents are extra special!” I looked at them and I told her they were a little odd. Mom said, “Those are great pictures. I look especially grandmotherly with your daughter grabbing my nose and mouth and my glasses flying in the air.” I told mom that picture was 2 years old because my daughter wears her hair in a proper Patterson ponytail or pigtails now. I also told mom if someone had taken the picture after that one, it would have showed her screaming in pain from where my daughter squeezed her nose. Mom said, “Hmph! It still makes me look grandmotherly.”

    When I asked mom why she didn’t use a more recent picture of my daughter, she said, “Mike. Children are much more photogenic when they are smaller. I can’t take a picture of April anymore when she isn’t making some sort of hand gesture or has a goofy expression on her face. When I show off her picture to other people, I have to use pictures from when she was younger. Your daughter is going the same way.” I hadn’t noticed my daughter making funny faces or hand gestures, but who am I to argue with mom?

    When I looked at the picture of my son with dad, I was frankly amazed. I said, “This picture is obviously a fake. Did you get someone to photoshop it?” Mom said, “What do you mean a fake?” I said, “Dad has never picked up my children in his life.” Mom said, “Yes he has. There’s the picture.” I said, “No. If has picked them up, it was never when I was around.” Mom said, “Oh all right. I got my web designer Stephanie to put together a picture of John holding up his new live steam engine, and cut a picture of your son over the model train. My web designer said I couldn’t have a display on grandparents without including John, but there were no pictures of him holding the grandkids, so it was the best I could do.” I had to admit the picture of dad does look good, but seeing him hold a child seems so out of character for him. It’s unnervingly unnatural.

    It sounds like a lot of odd things are going on over there. I hope you are holding up well, as a Patterson should and keep up the writing.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April and Paul,

    When I couldn't get Shiimsa out from under the dresser I called up Viv and said, "I have a really complicated cat problem, is there maybe a book called Super Advanced Tricky Cat Problems Solved for Morons Like You that you could give me, or tell me where to buy? Viv kind of sighed this really long sigh in fact it was so long that I thought she was maybe in pain or dying or something, but she said she was okay physically, then told me that she had a secret to tell me, she is the writer of those books! I told her that was really cool and could she autograph my copies, she said "I'll autograph them when you come back to Mtigwaki to visit" and I got kind of upset, I was like "I just started a new job, I don't when I will ever have time to go up there" and she got all huffy and said something about the White Goose flying south and then nesting with the turkey vulture and I said "that's not a nice way to talk about my mom even if she does have a neck wattle" and Vivian said "I wasn't talking about your mom" and I said "who then?" and she said "forget it, it was just a met-uh-for" which I'm guessing is Ogibbway for something wise.

    Anyway Viv said "what is the problem?" and I said "how can I make Shiimsa give me hugs?" and Viv kind of snorted and said "cats don't usually hug" and I said "well this is a unusual situation, I don't have anyone else to hug, that darn Paul is dragging his feet on that transfer" and Viv said "why don't you hug your mom, you are always talking about how great she is" and I said "it's not the same" and Viv said "why?" and I said "because Mom doesn't purr when I hug her" and Viv asked "does Paul purr?" and I said "when I ask him to he does."

    Then Viv asked "how is your friend Anthony?" and I said "fine why do you ask?" because I did mention his name one time to her but with no details and she said "You talk to Paul about him, and Paul talks to Susan, and Susan talks to me, she lives right next door" and I said "oh" and Viv said "you and Paul are sure lucky to have found new friends so fast, huh?" and I said "Susan and Anthony are very dear old friends, not new ones" and Viv said "no, I meant new 'friends'" and I said "I don't get it" and she sighed again really long and then she said "you and Anthony used to date" and I said "well that's not really your business but yes we did" and then Viv said "and Paul and Susan used to play 'hide the weasel' on the powwow trail" and I was too embarrassed to admit that I did not know what she meant because I never did learn too much of Ohjeibweigh when I was up there and none at all of the Metis culture language which is called Mischief or something, so I don't know what 'hide the weasel' is. Anyway I said "It doesn't matter, I trust in faith" and Viv said "you mean fate" and I said "that too" and there was more sighing and I told her she should really have that checked out.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:19 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky, her dad Thorvald and Jeremy Jones are back from the Dominican Republic where Jeremy and Becky got betrothed or casados, as Becky said they called it in the Dominican Republic. I don’t know too much Spanish aside from when I had a Latin lover who used to like to say to me, “Saque tu vestido y incline tu cuerpo” which basically meant he liked me lot.

    While they were gone to the Dominican Republic, Dr. Ted McCaulay and Becky’s mom Krystle returned from getting her breasts reinflated after the horrible accident they had when they were fighting with pillows some weeks ago. Becky, Thorvald, Krystle, and Dr. McCaulay had a long conversation. Afterwards, Becky told me the conversation had to do with her mom and dad’s official divorce, now they have maintained separate residences for over a year, and also the custody situation. Becky said her dad wants her to stay with him ½-time and with her mom ½-time, although Becky’s mom said was probably going to fight that. The one thing they wouldn’t fight was the divorce. Becky also said that Dr. McCaulay and her mom wanted to fire me as their housekeeper because I allowed her to go to the Dominican Republic, but since I was going to be going to prison next month, they decided to postpone my firing until after I was taken away in chains. Needless to say, Becky was not very happy about this turn of events.

    If you see Becky in school, be kind to her.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, my mom didn’t hit thorvald w/her cast iron skillet wen i got back frum the dominican republic. i told her i didn’t get married 2 rebeccah, it wuz like a betrothal ceremony. they called it casados. mom wuz relieved it wuzn’t actually marriage. she sed it didn’t mattah neway, cuz it wudn’t be legal n canada. she wuz so upset, she hugged me & hugged me & hugged me. she sed, “i don’t evah wunt u goin’ sumplace 2 far away 4 u2 get a hug frum ur mom.” it wuz kinda nice 2 get a hug frum my mom, but don’t tell her i sed that.

    ‘course wen i went 2 skool, eva wudn’t evn talk 2 me. i think she h8s me.

     

  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yo jer, u should prolly know that wen we dropped u off at ur mom's house, dad sed 2 me that ur mom is "very strong and vital in a nordic sort of way." he wants 2 know if she has viking blood in her. he keeps saying 2 me "maybe u and i will have a double wedding, my becky-thora." he sez he didn't know there were ne single women left in town.

    i tried 2 tell him how ur mom is ngaged but he sez if it izn't a viking betrothal that it duzn't matter 2 him.

    i m totally pissed @ mom an' ted 4 firing howie when he goes 2 prison. when dad an' i bust him out he is gonna need a good job an' a place 2 live. dad is offering 2 let howie bunk w/ him tho, he keeps saying it will b nice 2 have a "bachelor friend" again. then he winks at me. i guess wanting 2 get married duzn't mean u don't also want 2 have anal relations w/ ur gay palz 2.

    becks

     

  • At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz,

    I just got off the phone with you. Thanks for explaining what "mitigating circumstances" are. This social worker paperwork is so confusing! But I don't think I'll be able to get extra money out of the gov't because of mitigating circumstances, since I haven't missed any work because I need to walk traplines or care for elders or have a specific sense of humor.

    Even though we talked on the phone for hours (I'm charging it to "business analysis" at MMM as we speak so it's on Gordo) it just wasn't the same without you there, and I felt like I needed a to share a steaming hot cup of coffee.

    So I put Francoise up on the counter and gave her some nice fresh coffee (with extra cream, 'cause I'm a great dad!) in her sippy cup.

    Even with the extra cream she didn't like it, one big gulp and she started screaming "hurts!" I tried to giver her a hug but accidentally knocked her off the counter.

    You know how falling cats can turn to land on their feet all the time? Turns out toddlers can't do that. They tend to land on their heads.

    So she went screaming and crying and stumbling toward her mom's old bedroom and I chased her down the hall. It would have been funny if someone had been there to draw it, because I was in my stocking feet, and there's just something hilarious about socks.

    I found her hiding under her mom's old bed crying. Took me a while to poke her out with a broom. Now she's having a time out in the naughty girl closet, which is just as well because I want to watch the Deadwood marathon on HBO2 tonight.

    Oh crap, the Social Worker's at the door. The neighbors probably called again! I wish I lived up North so I could claim mitigating circumstances.

    I wish you were here so I could watch you out of the corners of my eyes,

    Anthony

     

  • At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    You are a wonderful father but you need a woman's touch, men just aren't any good at holding children, just ask my dad, he almost never held me or Mike and never holds his grandkids, he did hold April every once in awhile though, that's why some people say he likes her in a "special way", maybe you should try to like Frannie in a "special way" too.

    Also you need to get a new wife, everyone knows that a kid has to grow up in a nuclear family or at least with a mom, have you ever heard of a dad raising a kid alone without a wife, no you haven't, not in Milborough anyway and the reason for that is that it's just not right even though you are great at it, every kid needs a mom, just look at that slut Becky McGuire, when she's with her dad she runs wild and threatens to kill people and gets engaged to two men one of them gay and one of them underage and tries to have a selfish music career, and two parents are really the best, just look at Lawrence Poirier, he grew up with only a mom and turned out gay, and there's nothing wrong with that, but he will never have his own babies so it is not quite normal either.

    You should definitely be thinking about getting a new wife, soon if possible, I'm sure you can think of a good woman you already know if you think about it hard enough, think maybe of a girl who is not married for some reason but wants to be, maybe she isn't because of emotional trauma, that kind of a girl probably really needs a man to hold her and make her feel better, she would probably say yes if you asked her to marry her, especially if the diamond ring you bought her was really pretty. I could help you pick out a pretty one if you didn't think you knew what to get, all that talk about cognac and champagne diamonds made me nervous the other day because I don't think you know what you're talking about, I looked those things up and they are French liquor, first, you do not want to get the girl liquor, she will think you are saying you think she would have to be drunk to say yes to you, second you dont' want to remind her that you are second-hand goods that already got used by a Frenchy and who might of left you with weird Frenchy habits, like I hear they do gross sex things like kiss with tongue and some other things that I can't believe are even true.

    Well, you can call me if you want to talk about it, I am always here for you Anthony just like you are here for me, we are great moral support for each other huh?

    Liz

     

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz (and April),

    The social worker left. She made me take Francine or whatever her name is out of the naughty girl closet. She also said I have to clean up the place, especially the bathroom and Franelle's bed (which even I admit smells none too good).

    Mike, how do you find a babysitter who also does housework? I tried to call but Dee went through all these choices like the credit card company and it turned out you were over at Weed's anyway. Dee didn't give me an option for asking her about the hired help.

    As you know, I do have a babysitter, though it took me a long time to find one who was both reliable and inexpensive. Then by pure chance I met "Aluminum Annie" out behind the Kwik Mart gathering cans from the bin, which struck me as both frugal and something a go-getter would do, because you really have to go get a lot of cans to make a couple dollars.

    We worked out a program where I give her a mixture of cash, fortified wine (I get an "inventory taker's discount" as we've introduced a small liquor department at the gasariono featuring select affordable wines and malt beverages), and some of Mom's medication now and then. Annie's great. Francoise can easily locate her anywhere in the house by her smell. The only think is, it's hard to get her to clean up the place since she mostly sleeps when she's watching Francoise.

    I called your Mom to ask her advice and she said that with two daughters in the house there aren't enough chores to go around (she said she unplugged the dishwasher so there wouldn't be idle hands getting into Wicca or something like that) and she said she might send April over. Even better, she offered Liz to supervise dishwasher loading and towel folding, as Liz is the only one in the house who does it sorta right other than your mom.

    Anyway, if you do get sent over April be sure to bring some bug spray for the area around the diaper pail cause of the overflow.

    Hope to see you soon. I'll have the steaming hot coffee ready, Liz. And cinnamon rolls. But I sorta licked off the icing on the drive home.

    Anthony

     

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, mom sez i hafta go 2 yr house now. i'm bringing a bucket of cleaning supplies and a cooler w/age-appropriate food 4 françoise (that's yr daughter's name btw). oh, and aluminum annie won't b coming over there nemore. it seemz an anonymous tip got her picked up by the cops.

    btw, never, ever put a child in a closet 4 a "time out". it causes lasting psychological harm. no coffee, 2. oh, mom'z also getting me 2 bring by sum parenting boox she has fr. when she owned lilliput's.

    well, dad's getting ready 2 drive me over. it's just me, tho, no liz. liz is bizzy.

    apes

     

  • At 7:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    Our babysitter who does housework is named Jamie, and is the sister of one of Deanna’s staff members. I don’t have a particular place to check for someone like that, except maybe you can ask someone at Mayes Midtown Motors if they have a sister who is willing to baby-sit and do housework.

    I’m sorry you got the reaction from Deanna you did when you called. It won’t happen again. Deanna has been reprog…I mean she promises to remember the names “Anthony,” “Anthony Caine,” “Mr. Caine,” “Gordon’s ass-kisser/ bootlicker/ brownnose/ fawner/ flatterer/ flunky / groveler / lackey /lickspittle / stooge / sycophant/ toady / truckler/ yes man” & “Elizabeth’s future husband” from now on. By the way, if for some reason you should ever get married again, I can let you know about this neat product which will make your married life run smoother than you ever thought it could. As Josef Weeder could tell you, it’s also good if you have a live-in girlfriend.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, can u tell ur dad 2 stop callin’ my mom & readin’ icelandic sagaz ovah the fone 2 her? mom may have held back on the cast iron skillet b4, but she haz it ‘round the house & iz swingin’ it a lot, & i don’t think she iz thinkin’ ‘bout cookin’. she haz a look on her face that i usually only c aftah she haz had a convo w/my dad. 4 ur dad’z own safety, i wud tell him 2 stop.

     

  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky has this idea in her head that when I get sent to prison by your sister, she and her father are going to bust me out of prison and I will live with her father. As it is with most of these kinds of schemes, Becky’s father Thorvald has failed to realize that the first place the police would look for me is with her father or her. I mentioned this and Thorvald said, “You can just wear a disguise.” I know the Milborough police are not very smart, but I think they might be able to figure that one out. Thorvald thinks I am giving them too much credit, but I don’t know. They have spent the last year with me under surveillance. I think they have a pretty good idea of my appearance and my habits by now.

    In some respects I dread my trial, because there is no telling what kind of video footage they have of me. Every time I scratched myself, or burped, or picked my nose or chewed with my mouth open or talked with my mouth full in private will probably be displayed in front of a courtroom, in order to show my lack of good character. Your mother, Elly Patterson has taken a strong stand against those kinds of behaviours, and I am sure people will realize that her daughter could never be attracted to a man who does those kinds of things, and it will go against me in the trial. I am not looking forward to having my life exposed like that. I hope they don’t display too many of my bad habits.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!

    I was visiting my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, today when Vivian Crane came out of her part of the teacherage and said, “Are you two going to play a game of ‘Hide the Weasel’ like you did when you were on the pow-wow trail?” When you wrote in your writings about Vivian Crane, I remembered she talked about how Chipper and I used to play that game on the pow-wow trail. I got confused. Chipper and I did a lot of things on the pow-wow trail, but I don’t remember any weasels.

    Normally I let the women do all the talking, but Chipper got so very embarrassed she turned red and didn’t say anything. So I said, “Mrs. Crane. I don’t think I know that game. I do know a story about a weasel important to the life of the Ojibway. There was a community of Ojibway known as the wintikowininiwak, or giant wendigo cannibal people living in the area of what is now known as Northwestern Ontario, where we live today. One day Nenabozho, the Trickster meets one of these giant cannibal people and he is captured and ordered to prepare a rotisserie style feast for the giant cannibal. He meekly obeyed the Giant all the while crying in terror. He escaped with the help of Weasel who is thrown into the wendigo’s anus in order to chew away at the heart of the Giant. Then Nenabozho decorated the Weasel in his white coat and black tipped tail, as a reward for saving him from a sure death from the wendigo. That is the story I know about a weasel.” Vivian Crane said, “That has got to be one of the most disgusting, authentic, Ojibway stories I have ever heard.”

    I said, “I have another story about crow and weasel. Do you want to hear it?” Vivian Crane said, “No miigwech (thank you).” And she went back into her part of the teacherage. Chipper said, “Miigwech (thank you), Suds (her nickname for me). You’re my Nenabozho. Now I have a story I can tell whenever Vivian brings up the things we did on the pow-wow trail, or when she comes over trying to tell me what to do.” I said, “That’s good. But I still don’t remember us ever playing a game called, ‘Hide the Weasel’.” Chipper said, “You always see the good in people. It’s one of your best traits.” I said, “Miigwech (thank you), Chipper.”

    You see Elizabeth, I don’t know this game Vivian Crane talked about, and neither does Chipper. Sometimes Vivian Crane doesn’t know everything.

    Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, omg, do u realize mike is suggesting that anthony have u replaced w/a lizbot? anthony, if u want a lizbot u can get 1 w/out having liz imprisoned or killed or whatev the gta stepford husbands do 2 their wives after they replace 'em with the 'bots. mike, shame on u!!!

    so, i've been pretty bizzy @ anthony's house. the mo i got here, he was all handing me françoise an' saying, like, "oh thank god i can watch my storiez w/out fabergé there shrieking her hed off and ruining them 4 me! & he locked himself in his tv room. gah!

    i've gotten the poor little kid fed and bathed, changed in2 her jammies, and i read her a story (good thing i brot 1), sang her sum "itsy-bitsy spider", and now she's sleeping in her little bed.

    btw, i tried 2 help liz learn howta handle a cat the rite way, but she brushed me off, "i'm older than u and i'm a teacher, so i know more than u." u can ask her abt being sn if want, but u will prolly just get a brushoff an' liz will get all pissed off. again.

    jeremy, i'm glad u got back ok. sorry eva's mad. and that yr mom is getting all dangerous w/the fry pan.

    becks, i think it was good that u went w/fake instead real wedding. u r rite, britney was all bad career move when she married that jason alexander guy who wasn't the jason alexander from seinfeld but sum guy she grew up w/.

    apes

     

  • At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jeremy,

    U weren't supposed 2 get "betrothed" 2 another girl! U're no cowboy, U're one of those cattle-thief types!

    Eva

     

  • At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    eva, i think the word is "rustler." don't hurt me, but i don't get the analogy between me & a rustler. ru sayin' i am stealin' sum1 else's cow & the cow iz rebeccah? or ru sayin' a rustler iz the type of person who submits 2 pressure wen kidnapped & taken 2 a foreign country?

     

  • At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Are you suggesting that I want Anthony to imprison or kill my beloved sister? You forget, I am a Patterson and the slightest thought of war or killing or improper waste removal makes me ill. I can barely stand being in the same building with my downstairs neighbour's war memorabilia collection without getting a little vomity. April, shame on you for suggesting I would want any harm to occur to Elizabeth. Shame!!

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 11:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    for wonse, Pinky is rite. that is not the prapur way to worship a cat. u worship cats by bringing them oferings of fresh tuna and catnip, and giving them ecksclusiv use of the cowch and tv remote.

    Bucky

     

  • At 3:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    What a night this was! Liz called us up and said, “I can’t catch my cat to give him a hug. I am coming over to your apartment.” Then she asked us for directions because she has never been here before, and what can I say? I told her “It's definitely not Rosedale or the Beaches. However, for general geographical purposes it's reasonable to say that we live near the Av&Dav neighborhood or in the vicinity of Summerhill.” Somehow Liz found us and I was a little surprised to find her stumbling in with her eyes already half-closed. Fortunately the children were already in bed, and Deanna had said her usual, “If the time is 9 pm, then Deanna must go to sleep.” I was pretty happy they didn’t get to see Elizabeth in such a state. I know you and dad made fun of Elizabeth for getting a hangover after New Years’ Eve, but I have never seen Elizabeth this tipsy before.

    Well then Elizabeth said, “Do you have any wine? I really need a drink.” I poured her a glass of our cheapest, and she launched into this rambling discourse on moving in with mom and dad, starting at a new school, and receiving her subpoena; as if I don’t hear about this stuff every day from you and mom. It got so bad, I had to summarize it for her, to try to keep it all straight. Little sis, I can hardly tell you how difficult it was to see Elizabeth this way. She was barely able to hold up her head, speaking incoherently. Plus she’s getting to be grossly overweight, and putting quotation marks around words that don’t need them. I can scarcely believe it is the same girl we saw leave 2 years for whatever town she used to live in. She was so outdoorsy and full of plans for the future, and if I can say in a big brother kind of way, Elizabeth was a very attractive woman then. It really hurts to see her like this, scraping bottom. I tried to cheer her up by telling her that her life was exciting, when it really isn’t. School-teaching and living with mom are about the dullest things I can imagine. But then Elizabeth said she wanted dull, and my first thought was, “Well you’re in the right place.”

    So I tried to change the subject to talk about money. Then Elizabeth dropped her bombshell on me. She’s pays mom $500 a month, when mom only wanted $300. I thought to myself, “That’s insane!” After all, Liz is already paying mom back with interest for her car loan. If I were living at home and mom asked for rent, I would laugh in her face. It’s mom. She would pay you to live at home, she is so anxious not to have to deal with Dad’s proposed retirement house. Plus every month you paid rent, you would have to deal with mom parading the check all over town in triumph, like she did the last time she loaned me money I paid back with interest.

    Now there are those who might think $500 a month is enough to pay for your own place, but let me tell you, Deanna and I pay over $1000 a month, for a place where we do our own repairs, the downstairs neighbours bang the floor and we have to smell their smoke and incense all the time. If it weren’t for our landlady Lovey giving us a discount, it would be unbearable. Things in the Milborough area and Toronto are incredibly expensive. $500 a month is a bargain, but $300 a month would be better. I still think free was the appropriate price from mom.

    But Liz had some idea in her head that by paying mom $200 a month more than what mom wanted, that meant that mom would not ask her any questions. It was like she had completely forgotten what mom is like. Besides, what kinds of things is Liz going to do, she is too ashamed to tell mom? Nothing. Liz is a Patterson, after all. If Liz wanted to pay someone not to ask personal questions, she should be paying you.

    There was more to the conversation, which I suppose I can tell you tomorrow. But that’s it for now.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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