April's Real Blog

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Rebeccah's Essay

Yesterday afternoon, Becky came up 2 me as I was getting ready 2 leave one of my classes, and she was all, "April, can I talk 2 U?" And I was, like, "Sure, Rebeccah, what's up?" And Becks was, like, "Rebeccah is my stage name, OK? --Listen ...I am freaking out over this essay! U sed U finished yrs... ...Will U help me w/mine?" And suddenly I felt as though we were small silhouettes an' that peeps cd hear us from outside the window, as I was all, "I thot U had a tutor!" And Becks was like, "Only in the summer an' when we're on the road." Then we went back 2 sorta-normal, and Becky put a hand on my shoulder, all "If U have a spare 2day, wd U help me?" And I was, like, "If I do sumthing 4 U, U hafta do sumthing 4 me." And when Becks went "Sure! NEthing! What?!!" And I was, like, "Acknowledge my existence." And Becks opened her eyez real wide and pursed her lips, so she kinda looked kewpie dollish. But that's not an insult, Becks, esp. since I'm pretty sure I was having one of my "fugs" moments, tho @ least not the worst version(s) of that. But I'd rather look kewpie dollish!

NEway, more abt Becky and the essay l8rz, prolly not until 2morrow morning's entry, tho.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:08 AM  

17 Comments:

  • At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    now u all know y i wuz pissed @ apes yesterday. "just jellus" an' "real sorry," huh? 2 totally sep incidents, peeps. think abt that 1.

    well u all know what's up w/ me an' y i need help w/ my homework. howie is 2 bizzy w/ his own probs 2 help me out. plus i have missed a lot of school ovah the whole fake fiance think that wuz so important cuz of my career an' stuff. u can blame all that on my ho sis marjee.

    so yeah, i need sum help. we r supposed 2 write this damn essay an' i didn't have time 2 read the book it's on.

    wtf is up w/ "acknowledge my xxistence"? we talk like ev. day. what do i have 2 do 2 make the perfect patterson happy? curtsy when i pass her in the halls?

    becks

     

  • At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Until you acknowledge my existence, I am staying in my apartment. Your new friend Eva can keep on doing my job.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i know just wut u mean by the “acknowledge my existence.” last nite i wuz shoppin’ w/rebecca 2 get her sum fiancé gifts. the whole tyme we r there, peeps r comin’ up 2 rebecca & sayin’ “miss mcguire, i am so disappointed the valhalla burned down so i don’t get 2c u perform ne more. cud i have my picture taken w/u & cud u sign 10 copiez of ur cd 4 me?” then rebecca wuz like, “i’ll get back 2u jeremy.” it got so bad evn w/rebecca wuz n the washroom, she had a lady come n2 her stall talkin’ ‘bout how she heard rebecca’s single her dad rote 4 her ur like brennevin and rancid shark meat 2 my heart which wuz gettin’ a lotta play on the moony mccrackin's gonzo overnight show out of moose jaw n their norse drinking songs marathon.

    aftah awhile i practically did all the shoppin’ myself usin’ the list rebecca gave me, while rebecca wuz dealin’ w/this line of peeps, which wud show up wutevah store she went n2. i finally hadda say 2 rebeccah, “i’m done. we can leave now. acknowledge my existence.” she sed, “not u2. it wuz bad enuff w/april. can’t uc i am surrounded? i’ll b w/u just az soon az i finish theze autographs.”

    on the way back, we stopped by a t-shirt stand & rebecca sed she hadda stop. she got me a t-shirt which sez, “i exist, i’m a teen & i only look 40.” then she got 1 4u which sez, “i exist, but what did i do 2 deserve the fugly?” i dunno if ur gonna like ur shirt.

    i gave eva her perfume called l'odeur de la vache à fille which she seemed 2 like pretty well. i showed her my t-shirt & she thot it wuz pretty funny.

     

  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Acknowledge my existence. Cheeze. I hear that all the time from my wife and children, I didn’t expect it to come out of you. Little sis. You are a Patterson. People don’t acknowledge your existence, you acknowledge theirs. When you write something like that, I begin to wonder if you are even listening when mom and I try to tell about your place in the scheme of things.

    However, speaking of acknowledgement, be sure to acknowledge the Lizardbreath, whose 1-hour block technique of getting essays done, allowed you to be in the position to lord it over Becky McGuire in the first place.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your conversation with Miss McGuire. When I read the part about “acknowledge my existence,” it reminded me of a funny story my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, told me about her first day teaching at the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) school. Chipper got up in front of the classroom and said, “I’m Miss Dokis. You may remember me from my student-teaching last year, even though I look a lot different from how I looked then. I’m going to be your full-time teacher this year, since Miss Patterson has moved back to the South. Before we get started I want to know all your names and tell me something about yourself. Let’s start with you.”

    Then Chipper pointed to a student and the little girl started to cry. Chipper said she was concerned the child had some problem with being pointed at, but the little girl said, “My name is Waheenee, I’m crying because you acknowledged my existence.” Chipper was confused and asked what the girl was talking about. Waheenee said, “I have been in school for 2 years and the teacher never acknowledged my existence. She never called on me in class, or said my name. I think it was because I don’t have a white name.” Chipper said, “Well, Waheenee. I’m sure you must have misunderstood the teacher before me. She is not the type of person who would only call on children with white names. I want you to know that with a class this size, I am going to call on you and all the students in my class every day.” Then Chipper said a lot of other kids in the class burst out crying too. Chipper was quite surprised.

    Chipper said, “Does everyone in the class need to have their existence acknowledged, like Waheenee?” Jesse Mukwa said, “Not me. I’m Jesse Mukwa. I hit you with the snowball back when you looked Native and not like a fashion model. I don’t know why these other kids are crying. I’ve been telling them if they learned to tell jokes, and spend their every free minute hanging around the teacherage with Ellen and me, they would get called on, just like me and Ellen.” Then Chipper said, “Was that you looking in my window this morning?” Jesse said, “I just wanted to see if you were giving away cookies.”

    I didn’t think the story was very funny, until I told it to your sister. She said, “Jesse Mukwa, that loveable scamp. He got all the kids organized to play that prank on Susan. I just loved his jokes. The students at Glenallen Public School are not nearly as funny, although I see some potential in one student I have named Charles Wallace.” After my sweet girl explained it was a prank, then it made complete sense. After all, how could any teacher go for 2 years and only acknowledge the existence of 2 of her students?

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 12:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So, I'm sure a lot of ppl are wondering what exactly happened to April at the beginning of lunch today. I was sitting at the head of the table, and Gerald and April were sitting across from each other, just like we did Monday and Tuesday.

    Anyway, Becky came up to our table and did a huge curtsy, and said, "Is this acknowledgment enough yr royal highness?" Then she gave April the t-shirt Jeremy gave her. She took the shirt, read it, then balled it up and put it aside on the table. Next, she banged her head on the table a couple of times, said, "I suck, I'm a Patterson, and Pattersons suck, so I suck!" And Ger said, "Oh, a syllogism! But you did it in the wrong order." But April didn't answer him, she just went into this weird glazy-eyed state, like catatonic. Ger went and got the school nurse. I think they're taking her to hospital for observation!

    Eva

     

  • At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Miss Dokis is a great teacher! She never mixes me up with Alice, and she pays attention to everyone, not just Jesse and one or two other kids. We love her!

    Ellen

     

  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Yes!, for once in my life, my stupid and evil older brother admitted that I did something right, it's about time, he's always making me feel dumb, and he also really deserves to die for always calling me that name, you know what one I mean. So it is very sweet like revenge on a cold plate for me to hear him say something I did deserves credit, because I'm not dumb, also, if revenge is cold and sweet, why don't they just say it's like ice cream? Maybe I will start that saying and see if it catches on, then I will be a famous writer just like my stupid and evil big brother, that will really show him.

    April, I have a serious question for you, has it ever bugged you that Mike gets to be like perfect and we don't, it's like discrimination against the girls or something, it's not fair. Mike is the oldest, he got to marry the very pretty girl he met (again) in college who he knew was "The One" and have cute babies of his own right away, and she wasn't even used (his wife) even though she was engaged before, she was a virgin, and then he got married and got an awesome job at Portrait and got to be senior editor before he was even 30 and also has mastered every kind of writing and editing there is, and his wife totally supports his career and takes care of all the stuff at home so he can write as well as making a salary that means he could quit his awesome job and just write in the attic all the time if he wanted to. His only problem is where he lives is not the greatest, but I think he must like it, because both Mom and Mira would give him a house if he wanted it but he doesn't I guess, so living with the Kelpfroths really isn't a problem huh?

    On the other hand here I am and I lived with a really cute boy who I thought was The One but he didn't get the message and he cheated on me and even though there is no proof we actually did s-e-x i lived with him and that is still like a big scarlet U on my chest for "used," and also I have had more boyfriends since then and none of them have worked out, my childhood sweetheart is not good-looking and also didn't wait for me, he went and got married to someone else and had a baby, so he is "used" too. I am 25 and not even engaged, and my boyfriend won't just get that transfer so you know what is probably going to happen there, you just know that I'm either going to not get married at all or I am going to have to settle and not get someone who is good-looking and very supportive of his spouse's career like Mike got, not that I want my career to be more important than my husband's, that wouldn't add up, but you know what I mean. And my looks are going, I am getting fatter and I hardly ever get to dress like a babe anymore, but I do sometimes look a lot like Mom, which I usually think is good but then I remembered that when Mom was trying to catch a husband and even after she did for awhile she looked like a total babe all the time, I can't remember being babe-like even one time this year really, I think it's because of all the Sensible Schoolmarm clothes, they're not too babelicious.

    And then there's you, just look, your looks are getting worse all the time too, I mean your hair is a disaster, no offense but it's true, it's a muddy brown mop that is either in a propeller bun or a pony tail and neither is flattering also those bangs are like 30 years out of style. Then there's the uniform you should be able to rock it into like Catholic schoolgirl jailbait sexy if you wanted to but instead you just look like a teenage boy with a bad wig, sorry again. I am not even mentioning the zits problem. You have a boyfriend who is hot and maybe The One but you guys hardly spend any time together, just look, like the only time you have seen him in months practically is when he offered to eat my sandwich for you and even then you said he was sitting on the other side of the table, and you talk more about Duncan than you do him, and you're still worried Becky will steal Gerald from you, you must know that this relationship is nowhere near perfect, it's more like circling the bowl. And your career has more problems than mine, the only two things you are interested in are music and vets, if you do music you will get disowned by Dad and have no friends and miss out on everything important in life, as you know Uncle Phil did not get to be married until later in life and then he had to settle down and just teach music and also he missed out on having kids, so you probably would too. If you be a vet, you will have to go to like 8 years of college and be very old by the time you are done so probably you will have to miss out on having kids here too, if you don't have at least one by age 30 you don't get to have any at all I am pretty sure, and you will be too busy at school "working on your career" which is too selfish to go with having kids as you know. Also if you decide to be a vet in Manitoba or some other hick place, basically anywhere outside Milborough, you know Dad will just start ignoring you so bad it will be like you were disowned anyway, you know how he never went to see me in Mtigwaki ever and how he only goes to the farm in Manitoba to have a excuse to make up stories about what a haymaking stud he is, that's how it will be, you won't ever talk again hardly. So you are screwed either way.

    This is so not fair, I think it sucks how us girls get "punished" and I would like to "punish" Mike if you know what I mean, these teachers editions of textbooks are big and heavy and I always wondered if you could beat someone to death with one, just for instance.

    Liz

     

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I hope you are all right from banging your head on a table. I have the feeling this whole thing is my fault. When Becky and I ran out of time trying to get through all 1424 pages of War and Peace, I said to her she should try to get with you for help. I didn’t know you were going to get upset about it. Becky has these hanger-on friends because of her celebrity, who are constantly trying to give her schoolwork they have completed for her. It would have been easy for Becky to get an essay from one of these girls, but she is trying to take the high road as far as her school work goes. That’s why I sent her to you for help to try to finish it during her spare time at school, because I knew you wouldn’t just do the work for her. I hope you are OK, and I am really sorry for causing these problems. I should have sent Becky to talk to Jeremy Jones instead.

    In the meantime, since badminton failed so miserably yesterday to raise my public esteem, my lawyer, Mr. Benis, has suggested I make a big public charitable donation to one of the more prominent Milborough charities. I have been looking through the list and I have had a hard time finding one I liked. This is the list I have:

    Pastry Milborough Relief Development Fund
    Canadian Pastry Health Association, Milborough Division
    UNIMUFFIN Canada (English, never French)
    Queen Elizabeth II Pastry Sciences Centre Foundation
    Aid to Disabled Pastry Eaters of Milborough
    Pastry Chefs without Borders
    Christian Children’s Pastry Fund of Milborough
    Foster Pastries Plan of Milborough
    Make-A-Muffin Foundation of Milborough
    Save the Chocolate Canada
    Milborough Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blintzes

    I think I need to stop looking at this list and take a lunch break.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Be really, really, REALLY careful "helping" Becky with her homework.

    Gordon is always having me "help" on his taxes. I've got to be really clever on how he gets "helped" to make it look like MMM has a net operating loss every year but still manages to grow. Really, it's wrong to "help" things along in this manner so I feel I should tell you not to do it, especially since Becky's never sold you and old house or hauled your ex-girfriend over to show you the old house where here old boyfriend lives or got certain disagreeable types to sort of "move things along" at the right time and place as his Obligation to Honorary Pattersonhood.

    Anyway, make sure there aren't any teachers around who can see you "help" Becky and that Becky's essay doesn't read too much like yours.

    Gordon said a lot of stuff might happen at Howard's trial and that I should be "ready for anything" like even another ear-twisting. So I'm trying to exercise a little and tonight I'm going over to the Rex Kwan Do franchise in Milborough and see how much they charge.

    Anthony

     

  • At 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howard, u bettah watch out 4 anthony. i’ve seen thoze rex kwan do commercialz. he’z dressed kinda like a st8es flag-waver & sez, “i'm rex, founder of the rex kwan do self-defense system! after one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.” it luks pretty cube. i think he charges $300 for hiz 8-week program, but anthony will be ½-way thru by the trial. he cud know enuff 2b dangerous.

     

  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Big sis. I think I need to correct your thinking. The problem is not that I am perfect because I am a man, and you have to suffer because you are a woman. The problem is that you have persisted in trying to fight off your natural Patterson instincts. I tried to tell you when you were getting to the prime dating ages of 7-8 years old, but you wouldn’t listen. I said, “Sistwerp. If you only date Anthony as your childhood sweetheart, then you are going to be stuck with him. You need to date around so you have options, like I did with Deanna, Rhetta and Martha.” But did you listen to me? No.

    That wouldn’t have been too difficult a problem, but once you were stuck with Anthony, you tried to fight your destiny. You went to a university your childhood sweetheart was not attending. And instead of taking a little trip to Honduras to express your independence, you spend 2 years in that place wherever it was you were before finally coming back to the South to live. If you had gone to the same university as Anthony, and taken a little trip to Honduras after you graduated, but before Anthony had proposed, you would be married, pregnant with your second child, and Anthony would be a success in business (and not hawking cinnamon buns and 100 flavours of coffee for Gordon) and you would hardly see him from his working outrageously long hours. That is the perfect life you missed having because you tried to defy your natural Patterson instincts. I would be concerned about your threat to beat me to death with a teacher’s edition of a textbook, but I know you do not have the muscle mass to lift one.

    As for your criticism of April, it is unjust. Her appearance may be frumpy, but unlike you, your little sister has taken my advice and has concentrated on having more than one choice for childhood sweetheart. Right now it appears Gerald Forsythe has the upper hand, but as Rhetta Blum can tell you, those things are not set in stone. April could just as easily go with Duncan Anderson or Jeremy Jones.

    Instead of complaining about how good my life is, or trying to cut down April’s good fortunes, you should concentrate on accepting your Patterson destiny and try to look as beautiful as you can to impress Anthony during the Howard Bunt trial. Perhaps I can have Deanna go over and help you on the day of the trial to make sure you are dressed attractively. I know my Deanna has been dressing especially well lately, and she can probably help you out. I just have to check her manual, I mean daily calendar.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 3:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mike,

    Believe me, Liz doesn't have to do anything but be herself to "wow" me.

    The few extra pounds, a couple of wrinkles, slight nasal telangiectasia, and especially her smoking hot Sensible Schoolmarm professional wear remind me of my mom and how she used to bathe me when she got home from work. Whatever Liz is doing, it's working on me big time.

    Anthony

     

  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i hafta stay in hospital overnite, but the doc sez i'll prolly b released 2morrow a.m.

    gah, that was really freekee. when i was in that "catatonic state" that eva talked abt, i had this totally weird xxperience. i went back 2 being little aypo, wanting 2 sail my little boat out in the ravine. the grownups were 2 bizzy 2 listen 2 me when i wanted 2 ask sum1 if i cd go out, and i knew i had 2 ask sum1's permission. so i looked in the mirror and asked me, and i told myself i may go.

    then i ran out 2 the ravine, all xxcited abt sailing my boat. but when i tried 2 sail the boat, i fell in2 the water, and the current pulled me in. and farley didn't rescue me, cuz we didn't have farley, mom had sent him 2 live @ the farm in winni yrs b4 i was born.

    i cdn't breathe an' then i saw a white lite and next thing i knew, i was like this malevolent spirit, hovering over mom, whispering, "mommy neglect aypo, let aypo drown, bad, bad mommy!" and no1 else but mom cd hear me, so every1 else thot she was crayzee, and she ended up in a psych ward diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.

    then i woke up in hospital, and liz was sitting by my bedside, handing me a new laptop she'd just bought me, 2 replace the one she'd ruined by vomiting all over it. so i'm posting on the new lappy now. liz sed mom and dad were both 2 bizzy 2 sit with me while i was unconscious, so of course they sent liz.

    apes

     

  • At 7:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I tried to send Deanna with the kids to see you in hospital but she said, “If Ardith has children and Deanna goes to hospital, Mike picks up the children, else Mike goes to hospital to deal with his own da……talented family.” I told Deanna I couldn’t pick up the children because Ardith is still mad from the day when I told her son his name was pronounced KEH-VIN and not that ridiculous KEE-VIN he was insisting was right, even though I told him KEH-VIN put him at one degree of separation from KEH-VIN Bacon, so he was extra special.” I think Ardith got mad because she doesn’t let her son eat bacon. He’s on some kind of weird religious diet.

    All Deanna said to that was, “Bacon does not compute.” over and over again until finally I hung up the phone and called up mom. She said she was sending the Lizardbreath over, so I was saved by mom once again. I really don’t like going to hospital because every time I have gone in the last 5 years, the Sobinskis were there, even when Deanna and I tried to get them to stay away by not letting them know our son was born until it was time to take him home. If they have come to visit you, be sure not to let Wilf Sobinski get a hold of the television remote, or you will have to throw him out. That’s what I always do when Wilf visits.

    Just to let you know, I have had that dream too, only I was on a street corner freezing and not in the water. Plus the malevolent spirit, hovering over mom, was whispering, "Let him live off the streets and get his food from a soup kitchen. It will be good for him since he chose not to be a writer.” Every time I get that dream, let me tell you, I know writing is the career for me. No doubt about that.

    Anyway, I hope you and Liz are having fun at hospital. See you at Thanksgiving.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, even tho liz got this lappy 4 me, and is here 2 visit, she keeps "borrowing" the lappy 2 im paul or look up sales on "sensible schoolmarm" clothes.

    ooh, ger just walked in w/flowerz. awww! :)

    apes

     

  • At 10:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April's friends,

    I have been here at the hospital with her for awhile, she is taking a nap now, she is exhausted, so I am using her computer. I called her boyfriend after I read Mike's letter telling me to stop trying to drag April down into the dirt with me, he is so right, so I called Gerald and said, "Get over here with some flowers so you can be the perfect childhood boyfriend I never had--handsome, attentive, smart, and successful," and he did, so at least April will have one really good person to marry when she turns 18 and really starts thinking about that sort of thing seriously.

    You all have been talking about your dreams, it's weird, while Gerald was in April's room I went out to the lobby to give them some privacy and I must of fallen asleep on a bench, and I had the weirdest dream, it's one I have a lot, but it always slips my mind afterwards, I don't know why, it's very disturbing. In the dream, I am a single childless ski instructor in my 30s living in British Columbia, on top of a mountain, I have a very free sort of lifestyle, not so much with lots of wild sex and drugs but you know, without all the responsibilities of husband and home and children and laundry and filthy semi-housebroken pets and all that stuff that makes a woman truly a woman. Well, there I was, standing on top of a mountain in my finest designer Michael Kors ski gear and I get a call on my cell phone, and I answer it, and it's Mom, except she sounds like an evil cackly witch in it, and she says something like, "When are you moving home and becoming a teacher, Lizzie?" And I say "Mom, I'm a ski instructor," and Mom says, "Unacceptable! You don't even teach children's ski classes!" and I said "Mom, I like what I do," and Mom starts to cry and says "I'm never going to have grandchildren, am I?" and I said, "Well, I don't know, maybe you already do have some, we don't know about every woman Mike 'dated' while he was living at that homeless shelter" and then Mom really started to wail and scream, and said something about how humiliating Mike's divorce was for her and how she didn't even get any grandbabies out of that horrible marriage, and how if I didn't move home to Corbeil and start popping out some children soon, she would cut off my allowance and did I want to know what it is like to visit a soup kitchen or were Mike's stories about the rancid mulligatawny good enough for me? I said "Mom, it was minnestrone, and I can live without an allowance, I have a job," but Mom just laughed, and she said, "You are taking advantage of me. You know I don't want you looking forward to the day I die. You know I will never cut you off."

    Just then, I woke up because my cell phone was ringing, it was Mom, she wanted me to know she would leave some leftover Supreme-O Casserole in the fridge for me for when I get home from the hospital, and also she ironed all my Sensible Schoolmarm outfits and rearranged my closet for me when she put them away, I'm so lucky that dream isn't true, huh?!

    I'm going to ask if I can take April home now, we both need to hit the hay before school tomorrow.

    Liz

     

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