Lizzie Visits Mike
So, like, Liz visited Mike, and he wrote abt the visit in a comment that he posted here last nite:
Apes
April,Wow, so Liz forgot she'z got a girl cat, eh? Weird, she has a cat such a long time an', like, forgets the kitty's gender. Good point abt how Liz shd pay ME not 2 ask questions. MayB I can negotiate a rent surcharge or sumthin'. I cd use the cash. Mike, if U haven't had Dee replaced w/a Dee-bot, imprisoning or killing her, then what xxactly is the "product" U've used 2 get her 2 act like a computer-operated robot, eh? Do tell.
What a night this was! Liz called us up and said, “I can’t catch my cat to give him a hug. I am coming over to your apartment.” Then she asked us for directions because she has never been here before, and what can I say? I told her “It's definitely not Rosedale or the Beaches. However, for general geographical purposes it's reasonable to say that we live near the Av&Dav neighborhood or in the vicinity of Summerhill.” Somehow Liz found us and I was a little surprised to find her stumbling in with her eyes already half-closed. Fortunately the children were already in bed, and Deanna had said her usual, “If the time is 9 pm, then Deanna must go to sleep.” I was pretty happy they didn’t get to see Elizabeth in such a state. I know you and dad made fun of Elizabeth for getting a hangover after New Years’ Eve, but I have never seen Elizabeth this tipsy before.
Well then Elizabeth said, “Do you have any wine? I really need a drink.” I poured her a glass of our cheapest, and she launched into this rambling discourse on moving in with mom and dad, starting at a new school, and receiving her subpoena; as if I don’t hear about this stuff every day from you and mom. It got so bad, I had to summarize it for her, to try to keep it all straight. Little sis, I can hardly tell you how difficult it was to see Elizabeth this way. She was barely able to hold up her head, speaking incoherently. Plus she’s getting to be grossly overweight, and putting quotation marks around words that don’t need them. I can scarcely believe it is the same girl we saw leave 2 years for whatever town she used to live in. She was so outdoorsy and full of plans for the future, and if I can say in a big brother kind of way, Elizabeth was a very attractive woman then. It really hurts to see her like this, scraping bottom. I tried to cheer her up by telling her that her life was exciting, when it really isn’t. School-teaching and living with mom are about the dullest things I can imagine. But then Elizabeth said she wanted dull, and my first thought was, “Well you’re in the right place.”
So I tried to change the subject to talk about money. Then Elizabeth dropped her bombshell on me. She’s pays mom $500 a month, when mom only wanted $300. I thought to myself, “That’s insane!” After all, Liz is already paying mom back with interest for her car loan. If I were living at home and mom asked for rent, I would laugh in her face. It’s mom. She would pay you to live at home, she is so anxious not to have to deal with Dad’s proposed retirement house. Plus every month you paid rent, you would have to deal with mom parading the check all over town in triumph, like she did the last time she loaned me money I paid back with interest.
Now there are those who might think $500 a month is enough to pay for your own place, but let me tell you, Deanna and I pay over $1000 a month, for a place where we do our own repairs, the downstairs neighbours bang the floor and we have to smell their smoke and incense all the time. If it weren’t for our landlady Lovey giving us a discount, it would be unbearable. Things in the Milborough area and Toronto are incredibly expensive. $500 a month is a bargain, but $300 a month would be better. I still think free was the appropriate price from mom.
But Liz had some idea in her head that by paying mom $200 a month more than what mom wanted, that meant that mom would not ask her any questions. It was like she had completely forgotten what mom is like. Besides, what kinds of things is Liz going to do, she is too ashamed to tell mom? Nothing. Liz is a Patterson, after all. If Liz wanted to pay someone not to ask personal questions, she should be paying you.
There was more to the conversation, which I suppose I can tell you tomorrow. But that’s it for now.
Love,
Michael Patterson
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:15 AM
19 Comments:
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Sorry for my little technical error about Liz’s cat’s gender. Now to answer some of your questions.
I don’t know if it is ethical to take advantage of Elizabeth in her current mental state, but since she is throwing her money about, you probably could negotiate some money out of her.
As for the marriage-helping product I spoke about to Anthony yesterday, it is really only something for married adults to hear about. I will make a note to talk to your boyfriend Gerald about it, after you two get married. I am sure he will be interested.
I also take umbrage at the idea that my beloved Deanna is acting like a computer-operated robot. That’s a little insulting don’t you think? How much experience do you really have with computer-operated robots? Unless the education at R.P. Boire has changed a lot since I was there, you don’t know anything about computer-operated robots. To call Deanna a computer-operated robot is a little like mom calling you a Martian. Mom didn’t know anything about Martians when she called you that, eh? Just because my Deanna has added some proper organization to her life, doesn’t me you should start calling her names. I am sure if you call Deanna today, you will find she has some words for you about the subject.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I know you have told me your sister is not special needs, but every time you write about her this week, I think she is. She doesn’t seem to know about bargaining. When you bargain, someone offers you something for a price and then you tell them a lower price and then they offer a lower price, but not as low as what you offered and then you offer them a lower price than they offered but higher than your first price. Then you eventually get to the same price. If your parents wanted $300 a month, your sister was supposed to offer maybe $200. Not $500. That is definitely not good bargaining. I am special needs and I know that. I would say for you to maybe try to teach your sister about bargaining, but it doesn’t sound like she wants to learn new things. I don’t want to be mean, April, because she is your sister. I am really glad your sister is not my teacher.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 11:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My head hurts so much this morning, I think my talk with Mike last night gave me a migraine. Well I went to school and the principal saw me and he said, "Miss Patterson, our teachers do not come to work hung over. Go home and do not come back until you are presentable," I tried to tell him that I wasn't hung over, but he would't listen. I am so upset, I don't want my new job to think I am a slacker, especially since I already have one slacker thing going on, that whole trial thing, which contrary to popular opinion is lower on the list of excitement for me than living with Mom and having a new job, thank you very much.
I see Mike thought I was drunk last night, maybe there is something wrong with me that is making people think I am a drunk, maybe it's that depression thing everyone is always saying I should have, since I am home anyway I am going to go fill up Mom's stew pot with mac and cheese and also eat a box or two of Oreos, then crawl into bed and sleep all day, after all that's what Mom says will fight off depression every time, extra food and sleep.
I called Anthony and he is such a good listener, I love that I can talk to him whenever I want, even when he's at work, Paul is not like that, I can't talk on the phone with him when he is at work, his boss is so unforgiving. I told him that he should just quit the police and get a job with Gordon, he has such a huge business, he could find Paul a job to do, maybe security guard, and it's not like Gordon could refuse if Dad and I told him to give Paul a job, he owes all his success to Pattersons. Then he would be here to hug me like a good boyfriend, not a slacker boyfriend who stays up north even when his White Goose flew south and told him to come with her but he didn't listen.
Liz
At 1:29 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
April,
I got a weird story 4 u - my mom was @ the pharmacy yesterday 2 pick up some allergy medicine, & she ran into Dee. She asked Dee how she was managing w/2 kids & working full time, & Dee said that things have been going very smoothly ever since she & Carleen came up w/this great plan. She wouldn't say any more about it, other than that Mike & Weed have totally fallen for it. ???? Very strange.
My spud-head bro is thinking about moving out - as far as a renting a house from our parents, anyway. /roll eyes/ Big step, brad, u sure ur ready 4 that? I think Liz & Brad would make a great couple.
Luann
At 1:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
luann, mebbe wen ur bro moves out, ur 'rents can rent his room 2 april's sis. if they charge less than $500, it would b a bargain 4 april's sis. i asked my mom if she would rent our spare room 2 april's sis 4 less than $500 a month. she rolled her eyez @me & sed she had her fill of livin' w/a drunk when my father lived w/us.
At 2:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends,
I am not a drunk, okay, I just got drunk this one time at Mike's house, and a bunch of times in the past but I swear, I would not usually get drunk on a school night, it is against the schoolteacher's code, which has a part in there about nary a drop to drink, and the first step is admitting you have a problem, and also, I am not a slacker.
Also I am not grossly overweight or whatever Mike said, I have a pleasantly plump rear end which Paul says he likes because it is easier to do the ass-hoist hug he likes to do if your butt sticks out a lot, if you have no butt like Kate Moss or whatever you just fall through his arms and whack your nose on Paul's chin, and then it bleeds, and that hurts, and he gives you brandy for the pain.
Mom does try to ask questions, that's true, but I just ignore it, which is kind of the same thing if you think about it, although it does make me wonder why I am paying an extra $200 for something that isn't really happening, oh well, paying more shows I am not a slacker.
Liz
At 5:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
I would tell your sister she could stay in one of the spare rooms over at Becky’s house, but there’s that little thing about trying to get me put in prison for the rest of my life, which I think would get in the way. However, contrary to what your brother said, there are small apartments in Milborough you can rent for less than $500 a month. Your sister would just have to give up the idea of having an ethnic house mother, which I know your siblings are fond of having whenever they live away from home.
In the meantime, my lawyer, Mr. Benis, heard about how drunk your sister got over New Years Eve this year, and asked me if there was any possibility your sister had been drinking at work the day of the attack. I said I didn’t think so, but I tried to remember what happened. I remember I grabbed her and she said, “Back off, Howard! Let go of me!!” Then Mr. Benis said, “Interesting. An almost immediate reaction. Does she suffer from Aphenphosmphobia, Haphephobia, Haptephobia or Chiraptophobia?” I asked Mr. Benis what those are and he said, “A fear of being touched.” I said, “I don’t know all the symptoms of that, but I know Elizabeth wasn’t afraid of touching Anthony Caine that day.” Mr. Benis said, “Nevertheless, her reaction to being grabbed might have been due to an undiagnosed fear of being touched. What happened after that?”
I said, “Well. When Elizabeth yelled for help, her grandfather, I mean Anthony Caine was supposed to come in. When I saw him I was supposed to do my cue line.” Mr. Benis said, “Cue line? What do you mean?” I said, “A cue line in theatre is a line you say for someone to respond to. I said, ‘“Whoa. She’s feisty! I like things a little rough!’ then her grandfather/Mr. Caine was supposed to say, ‘Is this rough enough for you?’ in response to my line, which Anthony Caine did do.” Mr. Benis said, “I see. You have wordplay on the word ‘rough’. I see. I doubt Mr. Caine will admit to having done that. Why was it necessary?” I said, “Elizabeth and her family have an obsession with puns. Her grandfather/Mr. Caine would seem twice as heroic if he rescued her and did some wordplay at the same time.” Mr. Benis said, “That’s bizarre. OK. Then what happened?” I said, “Mr. Caine tries to pull me to the ground and I let him do that and make me apologize, being really careful not to snap him like a twig. This was the hardest part of the job, because he twisted my ear and I almost lost it from laughing.” Mr. Benis said, “Then?” I said, “I got up and left, and then I heard Elizabeth say, ‘Anthony…I never knew you could fight!’ and then Anthony responded, ‘Neither did I! I guess this is the first time I had something worth fighting for.’”
Then Mr. Benis started to chuckle a little. Mr. Benis said, “That’s sounds fairly idiotic.” I said, “Well, I agree. I never expected I would be considered for prison time because of it.” Mr. Benis said, “If it were up to Elizabeth Patterson’s testimony alone, you probably wouldn’t see any jail time. The wordplay, the attack in the middle of the day, the ear-twisting. All I have to do is have you stand next to Anthony Caine and no one would believe a big guy like you could be defeated by a scarecrow like him. I could make a case for drunkenness based on the idea that no sensible woman would believe you could be defeated by ear-twisting, but I would have first prove Elizabeth Patterson is sensible when she isn’t drunk. As near as I can tell from my conversations with her so far, that would be impossible to prove.”
I expect no one will talk about your sister’s drinking in the trial, if that is any solace to you. Her mental competence may be another story.
Howard Bunt
At 5:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your nindawemaa (brother’s) writings about my sweet girl and her rent and drinking. I cannot tell you I understand why your sister is paying your ngashi (mother) an extra $200 not to ask her questions. It is not something Elizabeth did in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Vivian Crane was the closest thing to a ngashi (mother), Elizabeth had there and she never paid Vivian money not to ask her questions. Vivian Crane has told me she was always answering questions from my sweet girl. When I told Vivian, Elizabeth was paying her ngashi (mother) not to ask her questions, Vivian said she wished she had thought of that.
When I asked my sweet girl about paying her ngashi (mother), she told me I didn’t know how bad her ngashi (mother) could be with questions. She said your ngashi (mother) has a way of complicating things which is worth $200 a month to avoid. Then she said, “I am not a slacker.” After that she started talking about how I should quit the Ontario Provincial Police and work as a security guard for her friend Gordon. I tried to tell her transfers can take a long time and how I would lose all my pay in the OPP I get from over 5 years experience if I worked for her friend Gordon, but then she started talking about how she needed a gikinjigwen (hug) and her cat Shiimsa wasn’t looking right now, so she might be able to trap her. I waited on the phone for a while listening to things crashing and my sweet girl saying, “Get back here! All I want is a gikinjigwen (hug)!” Then your sister was back on the telephone again and said, “I’ll have to talk to you later. I’m going to see if my noos (father) has a net.”
I think I can also answer the question about your sister and drinking. I have been dating your sister for almost a year now, and I can tell you my sweet girl does not drink anymore than any other Ojibway woman I know. One Ojibway woman I know, my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, said she found a lot of empty liquor bottles under the floor boards next to the carcass of a dead skunk when she moved into the teacherage, but I think those must have belonged to Elizabeth’s predecessor in the job. Her nickname was Fish Head, probably because she could drink like a fish. Fish, get it? I am trying to learn to pun like your sister, but I am not very good at it yet.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
Aprl,
I jusht neded a hug an' no won was round an' I tryed to hugg Shimsa an' she ran awayh, I chasd her an' yeled "GET BAK HERE AN' HUG ME YOU BRATT!" but she woldn't com, she ran intwo the basment an' jumped into the centril vack, an' I cant find here, I'm so deprissed, I drnak all mom's cookking wine, wy issn't Paul her four me when I neede him? An' why dosen't Mom hve more licker in the hose?
Liz
At 6:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i've seen both the original 1975 version of the stepford wives & the 2004 movie. i've also read the book. i don't need special training 2 know that dee's been acting like a stepford wife. & i think it's sick that u believe this is a wonderful thing. i was gonna insist that u not tell ger nething abt yr filthy secret, but now i think it wd b a gd test. if ger thinx this is a fab idea, i know i can nev marry him. but if he thinx it sux and tellz me all about it, then i know he's the rite guy 4 me, plus i get 2 learn what u r up 2. so go ahead, tell ger. (and don't think u can get all slick by getting ger 2 pretend 2 h8 the idea and tell me fake stuff. i have wayz 2 get 2 the truth, yo!)
shannon, liz has never been evaluated 4 special needs and she never will agree 2 b evaluated. so who really knowz, eh? she doesn't wanna learn nething from me, cuz she's the teacher and all.
luann, i hope it's true that dee and carleen have a plan. they so need 2 have one!
howard, yeah, it was all v. weird. i wonder about how it will all come out in court, u know?
paul, u don't hafta try and pun, really!
apes
At 6:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, doodz, i didn't c liz's post until i sent my last 1 thru. i hafta make her sum coffee 2 sober her up and help her find the poor kitty.
apes
At 8:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. If you are going to immerse yourself in a book and see the and its , you should choose something a little better written than the Stepford Wives. Choose something like James Joyce’s Ulysses. Honestly, what those people who did the Stepford Wives movies and book didn’t know about having a wonderful marriage like my lovely Deanna and I do, could fill a book, and a much better book than the Stepford Wives, more like a technical manual with a lot of nice pictures and easy-to-read instructions.
As for you and your boyfriend Gerald, you are obviously too young for marital bliss. I have the feeling you are destined to go off to veterinary school, while Gerald marries some girl of foreign descent, perhaps an Icelandic/Irish slattern, while secretly wanting to have a relationship with you. And then when you finally finish your 6 years of education and 2 years working in a foreign land helping the people there birth cows and monkeys, you will discover Gerald and his wife have gotten divorced, leaving him to care for his half-breed child by himself, and then after receiving the foreign country’s highest award for Caucasians, you will return home, move into mom’s house, pay her an outrageous rent, and develop a devastating drinking problem, all the while waiting for some tragedy to bring the two of you together. Fortunately for you and Gerald, I will have 8 more years of marriage and marital technical training by that time, and I am sure Gerald will be very receptive to any suggestions I or Josef Weeder would make, to improve his lot in life.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Liz,
I just spoke to Mike and he was very excited about your use of the adverb "dull". I thought adverbs modified verbs and usually end in -ly but at Mike is both an editor and a world class writer I'm complete mistaken.
If you'll allow me to make the "dull" case for a moment:
-I'm an accountant. If it isn't neat. legible, and accurate I want nothing to do with it.
-I'm an office manager at MMM. That's probably all I'll EVER be! Now, while it's true that MMM is growing like a gently-stroked Weed, there are a bunch of people a lot older than 25 there with education and experience who grouse about never being promoted from entry-level positions and Gordon's starting to lose key people over it. Gordon will never trust me with a major project again, as things always seem to be buring down or blowing up even though it isn't my fault. At all.
-I can pun with the best of them. Or failing that, whenever someone says a word to me I try to work it in a sentence in my reply. Donna asked for the accounts receivable files today and I gave them to her and said "Consider the accounts received!" I laughed about it all afternoon until Gordon told me to stick a sock in it and I got all kinds of great thought bubbles like "he didn't have to sock it to me." If you do it in Richard Nixon's Laugh-In voice it's REALLY funny!
-I'm very frugal. I never spend money on travel or my home or art or hobbies or even a vice, heaven forbid. My plan is to have a gigantic savings account when I'm really old that everyone wants to inherit. They'll have to kiss my sagging, undersized ol' white behind every day while I think up imaginative and embarrassing places to poop myself in public so they have to clean me up. Your Grampa Jim taught me that one.
-I never go and get anything for myself, I make do with stuff other people don't want anymore. If something's gathering cobwebs in a guest bedroom, I want it!
-I stay in the basement not doing very much whenever I can.
-I'm really, really good at talking about myself, then whining until I get a compliment.
-I keep my hands in my pockets whenever possible to keep them from doing something interesting by accident.
-I have no opinions about anything! I've found talking sex, religion, or politics steers the conversation away from me, as I don't have any experience with any of those items.
-People yawn a lot around me.
-I can clear a room just by mentioning cinnamon rolls.
-I've worked really hard to have one of the shortest descriptions on your mom's weird online site listing "Who's Who." At 34 words I'm beating only Dee's sister (25) Beatrice Alfreado(22) Carrie Patterson (19); Georgia Richards (19); Marian Ricards, deceased (31); Maxine Herbert (21); Shannon Lake, special needs (25); Steve Nichols (29); Susan Dokis (Who Paul calls Chipper 33); Wilf Sobinski (25). Even my ex gets more copy! I mean, Ned Tanner, a plastic figurine got 75! Describing my life took half the words of a ****ing plastic figure. Doesn't that tell you something?
Wilf Sobinski has invited us over to watch bowling tournaments on TV anytime you like! He's even providing microwave popcorn and Cola.
Anthony
At 8:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
anthony, i hafta say, u r very good @ being v. v. dull!
mike, the ulysses movie u linked 2? it's NOT an adaptation of james joyce's ulysses, u foob! didn't u ever notice that the james joyce is NOT a comedy? sheesh.
& yr predictions abt me an' ger just show u don't know me @ ALL! and u h8 women.
apes
At 9:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
There are many people who consider James Joyce’s Ulysses to be one of the finest comedies ever written and I am one of them. I know all about writing comedy. Many people have read my weekly column and told me later it was the funniest thing they ever read. Of course, they were columns where I was trying to make a point about some of the great social issues of our time, like the importance of a good ceiling fan, but nevertheless I took the compliment because I knew it was my innate humour shining through. Your author brother simply can’t stop his funny bone, no matter what I write. My novel about Sheilagh Shaughnessy is the perfect example. A war bride in Canada, suffering with an inattentive and unemotional husband may sound like some girly movie on the Oxygen channel, but after Michael Patterson gets done with it, I can sense people will be roaring with laughter at every page.
As for my predictions about you and Gerald, I can see where your complaint is. I completely forgot to mention that after you and Gerald do finally get married, you will retire early and suffer from menopause for the last 3 decades of your life. I don’t know how I could have left that part out. Please pardon me for the oversight.
And obviously I don’t hate women. I am a married man and I am even celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary to my lovely Deanna tonight. She came up to me and said, “If children are fed, bathed, asleep and if baby-sitter has arrived to do housework and if September 15, then Deanna will put on sexy black dress and go out with her husband to a nice restaurant of his choosing.” Needless to say, Deanna looks ravishing and dressed just like I like her to dress. My Deanna knows the secrets to a long and happy marriage. When you have been married to Gerald for 5 years, then maybe you will understand that a married man does not hate women, like my Deanna does. Also make a note that Deanna and I are celebrating our anniversary on the date of our fake wedding and not the real one. Because, when you get right down to it, the wedding your parents attend is your real wedding.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u r h8ful, h8ful, suggesting i'm gonna have 3 yrs of menopause. that's horrible.
if u didn't h8 women, u'd just have let dee b who she is, insteada getting her changed however it is u got her changed.
apes
At 12:03 AM,
howard said…
April,
I don’t know if you can get this, but I am sending it anyway, just to let you know that Becky and I are all right, and that person you saw who looks like me, is not me. That sounds confusing, so let me explain.
After you called Becky and me over to your house to help get Shiimsa, and I crawled into the central vac in your house to get Shiimsa out of it, I was very surprised to find how far into the central vac I could go. I was calling out Shiimsa’s name, but I was not finding her, but then I could feel Becky crawling in beside me. She said, “Howie, this is one whacked out central vac system. Have you found the cat yet?” I told her no, but then we both saw Shiimsa running down a tube in front of us and we crawled along to try to catch up. Shiimsa jumped out of the end of the tube out of the central vac opening and I crawled out. When I got out of the opening I was expecting to see you and Elizabeth there, with Elizabeth still kind of passed out, but instead I just saw Elizabeth. I said to her, “Did Shiimsa come through here?” and she said, “Of course. I got her. She was frightened from being in the central vac, and I approached her very slowly and calmly like Vivian Crane taught me. But there is something wrong with her. She looks kind of like Shiimsa, but she also looks a little like a tree kangaroo I saw when I was teaching my students about Australia.” I said, “That’s how Shiimsa normally looks.” Then Elizabeth said, “Howard, you are so funny.”
Then much to my surprise, your sister leaned over to me and gave me a big kiss. From behind me, Becky had come out of the central vac and said, “Hey, slut!! Keep your drunk lips off my Howie.” Elizabeth said, “Becky McGuire!! I haven’t seen you in ages. What were you doing in the central vac?” Becky said, “Going after your stupid cat, of course.” Then Elizabeth said, “That was very nice of you. But wait a minute. I thought April told me you were filming a movie in Hollywood. What are you doing here?” Becky said, “Howie. Elizabeth sure acts stupid when she is drunk. Hey! I live in Milborough. I don’t do movies. Maybe someday, if my career goes the way I want it to. I hate it when April’s sister drinks.” Then your sister said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Becky McGuire. But as you can see from my condition, I don’t drink any alcohol.” Becky and I gasped to see that your sister was obviously very pregnant. I said to Becky, “I don’t think we are in the right place. Maybe we landed in that backwards lirpA place.” Becky said, “Don’t be silly, Howie. She’s not talking that stupid backwards talk lirpA did.”
Then your sister said, “Oh my God. Howard. You dropped your ring in the central vac. You better go back and get it.” I said, “What ring?” Elizabeth said, “Your wedding ring! You don’t have it on your finger.” Becky said, “Wait a minute. Back up. Howie isn’t married. He’s engaged to marry me.” Elizabeth said, “What? No. You’ve been out of town, so you may not have heard. Howard is married to me. I am Elizabeth Bunt now, although most people call me Beth Bunt these days for the alliteration. It was something my brother Michael started and I kind of like it.” I said, “I told you. We have gone through that central vac to someplace we don’t belong.” Elizabeth said, “Howard. You look a little different. Really muscular, like you lift weights all the time.” Becky said, “Don’t I know it. Every time he gets stressed out, he lifts weights.” Elizabeth said, “No. Every time he gets stressed out, we make love. That’s why this little one is on the way. Although I must admit I like muscles on you.”
I said, “Man oh man. Becky, we walked into a different place. This is not our Milborough. This is some other Milborough where their Elizabeth and Howard got married.” Becky said, “Crap! How are we going to get back?” I said, “Obviously through the central vac again.” Becky said, “Are you sure?” I said, “That’s the way it always works in the science fiction stories. Sorry, Elizabeth, I mean Beth, but we are in the wrong place. We’ll take our Shiimsa back to our place and hopefully your Howard will come back with your Shiimsa.” Elizabeth said, “That would be good. This Shiimsa is starting to freak me out.”
Becky said, “No. No. Howie. She’s married to Howard, so this Elizabeth didn’t try to put her Howard in prison. She must know the way to keep that from happening. We should talk to her before we head back to find out how to keep you out of prison.” Elizabeth said, “I tried to put you in prison? My Howard! That can’t be true.” I said, “Yes. It’s true. After I was hired to pretend attack you so Anthony Caine could rescue you, you pressed charges against me and so did 2 other women. The trial is next month.” Becky said, “Yeah! How did your Howie keep from being put in prison?” Elizabeth said, “Well. Things happened a little differently here. Last year I was working at Lakeshore Landscaping and I was having a pretty hard time. I visited my boyfriend Warren Blackwood in British Columbia when I had time to travel at the beginning of my summer break, and I found him with another woman. After being betrayed by Eric Chamberlain in university, it was too much. I thought no man would ever find me attractive again. Then you, or rather my Howard came onto me. You were rather rough, but I could tell you were interested in me, because you followed me home from work. My initial thought was that a Patterson woman doesn’t like an aggressive man. We prefer weak-kneed milksops we could push around. But then I thought, I don’t want to have a husband who will be treated the way my mother treats my father. Why not you, or my Howard, rather? So, when you came into the office of the Lakeshore Landscaping with that ridiculous scheme to hold me until Anthony Caine got there, I gave my Howard a big surprise by holding him back and kissing him hard. My Howard was surprised. He said, ‘She’s feisty.’ And I said, ‘I like things a little rough.’ I didn’t know that was Anthony’s cue line, so he came and saw me putting my hand underneath Howard’s Lakeshore Landscaping shirt and...Excuse me, but do you mind lifting up your shirt?” Becky looked at her suspiciously. I said, “OK.” And I lifted up my shirt. Elizabeth said, “Oh my. My my my. When my Howard gets back, I think he’s getting a weight set for Christmas.”
Becky said, “Get back to the story. What happened next?” Elizabeth said, “Well, Anthony saw us practically going after each other and he started to cry.” Becky said, “He doesn’t sound much different from our Anthony.” Elizabeth said, “Howard and I stopped kissing, and I told him we would have to continue that later. One of my dearest friends needs help.” Howard was initially mad at himself, because he thought he had messed what was supposed to be a reunion with my grandfather, but I explained to him how he had been tricked. Then I talked to Anthony. He said, “What are you doing with that man? I am supposed to fight for you and rescue you. I miss you. I miss the fun and the laughter and thoughts we shared. You were always so easy to get along with. I want to be a part of your life again! Why were you kissing that man?” Then I said to Anthony, “You have a wife and a child. What is going on with you and Thérèse?” I remember this so well. Anthony said, “Thérèse doesn’t love me, Elizabeth. When we got married, I think she did, but then her career took off and things changed. I wasn’t exciting enough. I was too dull. You like dull things, don’t you? Thérèse doesn’t. I wanted a family. Now she spends more time at work than she spends with us. I’ve talked to her. I’ve been to a counselor. It’s not going to work, Liz. I want to be with you. Say that you’ll wait for me! Promise me you’ll wait until I can get a divorce.” Becky said, “Our Anthony said the same idiotic stuff to our Elizabeth too.” Elizabeth said, “What did your Elizabeth do?” I said, “She pressed charges against me, after Lawrence Poirier forced her to, then she refused to talk about the whole thing to anyone.” Elizabeth said, “That poor girl. I know exactly what she is going through. If I hadn’t just been kissing my Howard, I might have done the same thing.”
Becky said, “So what did you do?” Elizabeth said, “I told Anthony the truth. I said, ‘Anthony. You were my high school sweetheart 5 years ago. That’s over and it will never come back. You can wish as hard as you like-but wishing never changes anything. I know I have done my part in encouraging this behaviour, and I am truly sorry for having done it. But you have a beautiful wife and daughter. I couldn’t bear it if you destroyed your marriage pursuing me.’ Then Anthony said, ‘But I just told you I wanted to be with you. All the problems in my marriage are Thérèse’s fault.’ I simply said, ‘Go home and tend to your marriage, Anthony Caine. The problems in your marriage are your fault. Yours and mine.’ Well, Anthony was stunned. But you know what? He did go back and had a long talk with his wife. They just celebrated their second anniversary last month, and Thérèse is expecting another little one.”
I said, “What about all that career stuff Anthony was talking about?” Elizabeth said, “Howard. Never get one side of the story from a man who is trying to end his marriage. Thérèse worked for Anthony’s dad’s business, so having more children was a good career move and it helped save their marriage.” Becky said, “So no trial then?” Elizabeth said, “Goodness no. I can’t imagine what is going through your Elizabeth’s head.” I said, “Well we found out what we wanted to know. Let’s head back and see if we can find our place.” Becky, “Wait, Howie. I have some more questions. You said I was in Hollywood making a movie. How did that happen?” Elizabeth said, “After you sang your composition at the grade 8 graduation, my father was so impressed, he and mom decided to invest in your career, like they had done with a lot of our friends. Dad consulted Jeremy Jones, who put him contact with a good manager, and not your crazy father, who wanted to do it. That would have been a disaster, which thankfully dad averted. Your graduation song was turned into a hit single, and you left Milborough for Hollywood last year.” Becky said, “John Patterson invested in me? I thought he preferred music for the fun of it.” Elizabeth said, “Not my dad, anyway. He’s invested in almost all my friends. Candace Halloran has her own practice in psychology thanks to dad. Shawna-Marie Verano has a chain of exercise studios.” I said, “That’s very strange. Our John Patterson stopped investing in his children’s friends after Michael.”
Then Elizabeth stopped short and said, “Oh. I think I know what happened. When I think about that day and what could have happened. It gives me chills just to think about it.” Becky and I both said, “What! What was it?” Elizabeth said, “You’ve heard of the Good Witch of Corbeil who watches over all things in Milborough?” I said, “I wouldn’t call her good.” Elizabeth said, “Oh I am so sorry. A little over 4 years ago, she came to Milborough and she told us a terrible thing.” Becky and I both said, “What! What was it?” Elizabeth said, “There had been an attempted coup. The witch’s underlings tried to overthrow her and run things themselves. But they did not have the witch’s talent or sense of humour and it was obvious to everyone that Milborough was not the same. People started acting strangely. They started speaking in moral platitudes and worst of all, every conversation ended in a pun. It was horrible. A group of people we know only as the syndicate, stepped in and put the witch back into power and everything was right again. I can only imagine in your place, the syndicate didn’t step in, or the witch’s underlings stopped the syndicate with their greatest weakness.” Becky and I both said, “What! What was it?” Elizabeth said, “Greed. The syndicate prefers money over quality. And if they are tempted, then they would not have stepped in. Oh, I feel so sorry for you. I can’t imagine 4 years of moral platitudes and puns.” Becky said, “It has really sucked.” I said, “That’s right. I am probably going to go to prison because of it.”
I said, “Becky have you finished asking all your questions?” Becky said, “No, Howie. This is kind of fun in a strange way. Is April still dating Gerald?” Elizabeth said, “No. April got tired of Gerald’s prejudice against the special needs kids and she is dating Duncan Anderson now. They make a great couple. They are both into science. And mom really likes Duncan. He has been in the family picture books for ages, even before April started dating him.” Becky said, “Why are you in this house? You don’t live with your mother, do you?” Elizabeth said, “No. Howard and I bought this house from mom and dad when they went to their retirement house.” Becky said, “Not that little tiny house down the street with the big lot?” Elizabeth said, “George Stibbs’ house? No, he still lives there with his wife. I think they’ll be there forever. No. Mom and dad got a nice-sized house with a big yard near a golf course.” Becky said, “So where do Mike and Deanna live?” Elizabeth said, “This huge house with a big yard in the Toronto area, close to where Mike works. It was very expensive, but Deanna’s mom and dad helped them with a huge downpayment.”
I said, “Becky is there any more?” Becky said, “One more question. Why did you marry Howie, when you know he’s gay?” Elizabeth said, “I think I heard you say you were engaged to marry him.” Becky said, “Yes, and…?” Elizabeth said, “Then you already know the answer to your question. Howard, I don’t know if you are the same as my Howard, but my Howard is an excellent husband. He really wants to be father and I know he is going to be a great one.” Becky said, “My Howie is like that too.” Elizabeth said, “Then hang onto him.”
At this moment, we heard a noise and another Howard crawled out of the central vac. He was carrying Shiimsa. He looked at Elizabeth and said, “Darling, what is that grotesque thing you have?” Elizabeth said, “It’s their Shimsa.” He said, “Good God. I am glad I got our Shiimsa back, honey.” And sure enough the creature he had in his hands was a beautiful cat. Elizabeth said, “Howard that’s not my Howard, can you pull up your shirt again?” I did. The other Howard said, “Wow! You must really work out.” Elizabeth said, “I’m thinking of a weight set for Christmas, sweetie pie.” The other Howard said, “If that’s what you want, darling. Sorry it took so long in the central vac. The Elizabeth on the other side was yelling and chasing Shiimsa all over their house and it was like the person who put together their house did it while they were under the influence of psychedelic drugs. I kept getting lost.” Elizabeth said, “Did you like that Elizabeth?” The other Howard said, “Only if I liked stinking drunks.” Elizabeth said, “Oh I am so sorry, Howard who is not my Howard.”
I said to Becky, “It’s time to go. This place is making me depressed.” Becky said, “It seems really nice here.” I said, “That’s what I mean.” The other Howard said, “I marked the way back through the central vac, to help you find your way.” Elizabeth said to me, “I hope things get better for you. I hope your Elizabeth doesn’t really put you in prison.” I said, “I appreciate the thought. You and Howard have a good life. I need to try to post this to April, so if we get lost, she will know to look for us.” So I wrote all this stuff down. I hope you get it. Becky and I are about to go back into the central vac. With any luck, you will see us before you finish reading this.
Howard Bunt
At 12:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are smart enough to know that if you follow in mom’s footsteps, menopause and you are going to be friends for awhile. I don’t think I am saying anything that should be a surprise to you.
As for hating women, after the special “couples time” my Deanna just gave me, I can tell you right now that hating women is the furthest thing from my thoughts. When Deanna gets charged up she’s incredible. I love who she is and I wouldn’t have her any other way. I don’t know why you want her to change. Let Dee be who she is, and she is getting charged up for another round. I think this is going to be my best anniversary ever.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. While Deanna is recharging her batteries from our 5th anniversary “couple time”, I thought I would take the time to finish my story about Elizabeth’s visit to us, which I started yesterday.
After Elizabeth had drunk all our wine, she was in our kitchen, with her body propped up on the counter, so she could stand without falling down. Deanna came in and said to me, “If son cries for food, Deanna gets up with son.” I started to help with his bottle, but you know how fumble-fingered I am. I’m a writer, not a baby bottle maker, after all. After I squirted most of my son’s formula over the counter by the stove, Deanna brought in our son and said, “If Mike is a fumble-fingered idiot, then Deanna takes over the feeding.”
Well, while all this was going on, Elizabeth started into what can only be described as the typical drunken love rant. You know the kind, where the drunk tries to convince herself that leaving the beloved was the right thing to do. And then the drunk’s speech is filled full of ellipses as she gets slower…and slower…and slower. Elizabeth was right on form when she said, “I miss Paul. I know I made the right decision to leave the north…but…I miss him so much.”
Then Deanna said something I was not expecting. She said, “Has he applied for a transfer to Toronto?” as she was holding our son on the kitchen counter so he could eat and not hurtle to the floor. I think Deanna must have momentarily been interesting what Elizabeth was saying, but she soon returned to her regular way of doing things. After Elizabeth answered her question with, “I think so. He certainly talks about it.”, Deanna walked off with our son contentedly in her capable arms, which was probably a smart thing to do. I wish I had followed her. I was forced to actually try and understand what Elizabeth was saying. What did she mean, “I think so.”? Is she suggesting that her boyfriend would talk and talk about getting a transfer and then lie about doing it? What purpose would that serve? More long phone conversations with Elizabeth? The way she was incoherently rambling, I seriously doubted that. If he doesn’t plan to get the transfer, then he has essentially ended the relationship and if he had any sense he would also end the phone conversations. If he has applied for the transfer, why does Elizabeth doubt him?
I was contemplating these things, when Elizabeth switched gears again and started talking about her boyfriend before this one, Warren Blackwood. I thought, “Kill me now. I have to listen to my sister compare her boyfriends to each other…again. Weren’t we done with this conversation back in December?” As a dutiful brother I listened to her as she said, “When Warren and I broke up, I promise myself-no more long-distance relationship!...And here I am, in another long distance relationship.” April, as you may recollect, Warren Blackwood was the boyfriend who wasn’t a boyfriend who never was a boyfriend. He made quite an impression on you at Elizabeth’s university graduation by buzzing the crowd with his helicopter, but after that…nothing. As mom would say about Warren, “A couple of platonic dates in university, with no contact for a 1 ½ years after that, does not a boyfriend make. Anthony Caine sees her more often than that.” As usual mom was right about Warren. However, I couldn’t take any more of this pity party. Cheeze. I love my sister Elizabeth, but there are two things about her I can do without. (1) Her incoherent rambling when she’s drunk. (2) Her complaining about long distance relationships when it is so obvious what she is about. When she graduated university, if she didn’t want a long distance relationship with her non boyfriend Warren, she should have moved to British Columbia where he worked and not that place in Northwest Ontario, whatever it was called, where she was for the last 2 years. If she didn’t want a long distance relationship with her constable boyfriend, she shouldn’t have moved to Milborough. And the one she failed to mention was, if she didn’t want a long distance relationship with Anthony Caine, she shouldn’t have gone to school in Nipissing, but stayed local. After all, Deanna and I both went to Western and we turned out great.
Then I had a stroke of Michael genius—a sure fire way to get me out of that painful conversation. A pun. And the best part is that unlike most of my puns which only have 2 meanings, this one had 3. I said, “Oh well. You know what they say: ‘Absence makes the heart go wander.’” You see, April. It’s normally ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Isle of Beauty, fare thee well!’ from Thomas Haynes Bayly’s Isle of Beauty. That’s meaning number #1. But because I reversed the meaning to its opposite with a clever rhyme. “Grow fonder” becomes “Go wander.” And by reversing it, it could mean that her constable, if he is truly not trying to get a transfer, may be out with other women, like what Warren and Anthony did when Elizabeth was a long distance from them. Or it could mean that Elizabeth herself is wandering into the arms of one Anthony Caine, which I think many people suspect, since she spent a lot of time with him recently talking about her court case.
I had also thought about, “Absence makes the heart go blonder”, which would work if her constable was interested in blondes. But where he is living there are probably not many of those. Or “Absence makes the heart ‘go yonder’, or ‘go ponder’, or ‘love squandered’ or ‘Andean condor’, but none of those others were as good. Anyway, I thought it was pretty clever with the 3 meanings, but not that funny. Elizabeth agreed with me and stretched her upper lip to a frightening degree to say, “That’s not funny!!!” I said, “Sorry.” But I wasn’t really sorry, I was so glad I found a way to get out. With Elizabeth behind me, her eyes half-closed and her mouth twisted and no doubt close to passing out, I escaped from the hideous conversation, thanks once again, to my fine punning ability.
Let this be a lesson to you April. First you pun, and then you run.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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