As a friend, I make a great news anchor! :(
After lunch yesterday, I was walking in the school hallway w/Eva and we saw Becky. I was all, "Whoa! There's Becky!--Oops, I mean 'Rebeccah'!" I don't know Y I hadta B so snotty, but I guess the "Whoa" wuz cuz Becks already missed a buncha school w/that whole fake betrothment 2 Jeremy in the Dominican Republic and all. But still I'm not sure Y I was so surprised 2 C her, I mean I knew she was back. Eva was, like, "And she'z surrounded by her admirers." Which was a lil odd cuz it was more like she had a coupla weird-looking girls, one on either side, gawking @ her while she had her eyez closed. Then, Eva was, like, "U used 2 best friends, April. Does she ever talk 2 U?" Which was a weird kinda overly expository question, doncha think? Like she wanted NE1 who mite B listening in, who mite notta known that, 2 get all caught up w/our story. And I was, like, "Sumtymez." As we were walking away, looking back over our shoulderz @ Becks, she, like, looked @ us, 2, like how obvs was it that we were talking abt her? NEway, I went on, like, "Ever since they started playing her tunez on the radio, she'z changed like 100%!!" And then Eva was all, "...I'd like 2 weigh her head." As in, she'z got a big head now? And U know what I did? I squeezed my eyez shut an' laffed. Even tho it was mean and disloyal, and now I feel bad abt it. @ the time, I guess it was, like, I laffed cuz Eva was being "Team April" when mosta the school is obvs "Team Rebeccah", tho who can really blame them, she'z got sum really cube stuff going on w/her career and she's worked s00per-hard 2 get there. Gah, it's scary how being jellus can make U act so icky. Sorry, Becks. I guess I'll C U in the caf when it's time 4 the sandwich-off w/Ger. Or did U want 2 schedule it @ a diff time, I can't remember if we have the same lunch period.
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:43 AM
21 Comments:
At 9:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I thought I was your friend who got to think of bad things about Becky McGuire for you. Eva’s not used to it. She doesn’t know how to do it right. If you say things out loud, then people won’t think you’re the nicest girl in Milborough any more. You have to think thoughts with drawings and rokets.
I already heard people saying you were not very nice. That’s not right. You’re the nicest. Eva is supposed to let Becky do something mean to you, and then make you feel better with a hug, or by telling you that you are nice. Why are letting Eva do my job?
Sad,
Shannon Lake
At 10:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Your writing today is a little too apologetic. You are Patterson. You see someone of whom you naturally disapprove, like that slattern, Becky McGuire. Then you make criticisms and snide remarks. It is who we are and it is a part of our training. Lovey Salzman and I and my lovely wife, have been working on my daughter to criticize the Kelpfroths every time we see them, and it is working out marvelously. You should hear the cute things she says comparing the Kelpfroths to savage beasts who are unfair to the gentle forest creatures. She makes us so proud.
When she gets older, she will be just like you, and she will be able to talk about people behind their back or to their sides or at some oblique angle, and point out all their flaws in a humourous fashion, just like she was born to do it, which she was. I hope when you are around her next, you don’t try to fill her with any sort of remorse, or say she is acting “icky.” She is a Patterson, like you are a Patterson. To make wry observations about people’s flaws or to criticize people we correctly don’t like, is not only right, but it is our duty. After all, if you and your friend Eva weren’t saying things about Becky McGuire, then probably no one in your whole school would. Radio stars are usually very popular.
You are a Patterson. Be proud. Be critical.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i think u misunderstood eva. when she sed, “i’d like 2 weigh her head.” thass a cattle rancher term, & u know how eva luvs cowboy analogiez. wen cowz r weighed, it iz the weight by the number of cowz, which is called the number of “head” of cattle. eva wuz prolly makin’ a joke ‘bout how big thoze girlz by rebeccah were. 2 head, 150 kg. i guess thass not so nice a joke either. sumtymez eva gets n moods.
neway, 1 of the girlz eva called rebeccah’s admirerz iz the daughter of the “team theme” sports shop owner. rebeccah haz done a lotta adverts 4 them on the radio. sumtymez she hangs ‘round rebeccah, & rebeccah hazta put up w/it cuz it’s kinda like bizness. the othah girl u saw iz 1 of thoze homework-handin’ out peeps. ever since rebeccah’z cd came out, she haz been havin’ probs w/these kinda girlz more & more often. sumtymez, she just findz skoolwork n her locker. it’s crayzee wut popularity duz 2 peeps n this town.
At 12:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
shannon, i don't think of u or eva as having a "job" when it comes 2 being my friends. u just r who u r.
mike, sorry, but i'm not proud of the way i acted yesterday. i'm critical of me @ the moment. i think i have gd reason.
jeremy, thanx 4 xxplaining abt the cowboy analogy and the "team theme" girl.
btw, i m posting fr. ger'z fone again. becky d-cided 2 do the sandwich contest @ lunch, but when she an' i both put our sandwiches in fr. of ger, he panicked, all "i can't eat these sandwiches! mater put me on a special diet!!!" and he ran away. well, we have 2 xxtra sandies in case ne1 is hungry!
apes
At 12:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wud like 1 of thoze sandwichez az long az eva duzn't make ne comments 'bout me b-ing a head of cattle that needz 2b weighed.
At 1:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don’t know what you mean about Eva and me not having a “job” when it comes to being your friends. When you started fighting with Becky McGuire, I thought I could be your new best friend. I was the only girl in school you really talked to. I guess I should have figured it out when I never sat with you at lunch. Now Eva is eating lunch with you and walking in the hall with you and insulting Becky McGuire with you, like I used to do, but only in my thought balloons. She has taken my place. You don’t need me anymore. I am going to my apartment now.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 1:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You are so young and not quite yet accepting of your family heritage. I remember Lizardbreath used to be the same way. She went to the Northwest to put what she thought were her Milboroughan ways behind her. Do you remember at the beginning of the year when she kept talking about that place she lived in the Northwest being her home and how she didn’t feel that Milborough was her home anymore? She was so naïve. I think she actually believed what she was saying. Now she has completely accepted the true nature of being a Patterson, and we won’t hear Liz talking about Milborough not being her home anymore. I guarantee it.
It will be the same for you. First you make a comment here or there about someone you see, and you don’t feel proud, but critical of yourself. But eventually, you will find you can’t go anywhere without making a moral judgment about something. And if you can make the moral judgment and a pun at the same time, it will feel so good. Your older brother knows all about these things. Be proud, be critical, be a Patterson. And once you do, you will never look back with regret.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:21 PM,
howard said…
April,
First I will let you know that I forgive you and Eva for saying those things about Becky in school. It wasn’t very nice, but I know that’s not the way you usually are. I really don’t know Eva well enough to say if that is the way she is, but I am little more disturbed by the fact she would feel the need to make comments about Becky, when Eva should have no particular grievance against Becky, aside from that little Dominican Republic betrothal to Jeremy Jones last week.
As for me, the day has been interesting. You may remember, Marjee Mahaha and I were off to make public appearances as an engaged couple playing a sports activity outdoors, which is something your sister would never do, in order to improve public opinion of me and show that I was not the kind of person who would attack a woman like your sister. Marjee and I got matching badminton outfits and we were armed with a newly purchased set to play at the outdoor badminton courts in the Milborough Park. In the meantime, Ms. Blitoris of the "Find 'Em and Lick 'Em" Confidential Investigation Agency and Ms. Bulva her assistant, were going to mingle in the crowds that gather to check public opinion.
At first the crowd seemed to be a little confused, and this could have been partially because Marjee had never played badminton before and she kept on giggling when I said the words “feathered shuttlecock”. For example, “It’s your turn to serve the feathered shuttlecock.” Or “I liked the way you returned the feathered shuttlecock.” Or “That was a good hit on the feathered shuttlecock. You cut across it well.” But after we played several sets, Marjee got into it, and she is quite a bit more agile than I am and she started beating me.
Ms. Blitoris said this was around the time the crowd started murmuring, “Roadside. Gig. Has too much ambition.” She sent Ms. Bulva over to Marjee and told her to lose. Marjee didn’t like that, but she did it anyway. I started to win and Ms. Blitoris said this was around the time the crowd started murmuring, “Jerk. Going after her like that. He’s going to get what he deserves in his trial. He should be put off the streets. Or the planet. Or the galaxy. Or the universe.” She sent Ms. Bulva over to Marjee and told her to kiss me every time I scored a point, and to say out loud, “It’s a good thing I am not a frigid Patterson, afraid to give and receive affection” and things along those lines. It made for a very long game. Ms. Blitoris said this was around the time the crowd started murmuring, “Obviously the effect of team sports. Just like Elly Patterson warned us. They are combining war with physical contact. And they are doing it in public. For shame. Does anyone have a rope?” She sent Ms. Bulva over to Marjee and me and said, “Leave slowly and quietly and if they come for you, run!”
We did like Ms. Bulva said, keeping an eye on the crowd the whole time. Fortunately they were old and easily distracted. Afterwards, we met with my lawyer, Mr. Benis and he was very disappointed. He is trying to think of something else to do, but I am afraid nothing will come from it. There is no way I can get a fair trial in Milborough.
Howard Bunt
At 3:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your walk around school and seeing your friend Miss McGuire. In senior secondary, I remember girls made comments about other girls all the time, and it was pretty normal. I would not feel too bad about it. Of course I grew up with Native humour, where good-natured mocking of other people is part of the culture. It is a way for people to show affection to each other. If you were in a native school, you might call your friend Becky “100%” because she changed 100% since her music is on the radio.
Your sister knows about this. When I was talking to her yesterday, I mentioned I had visited Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to see my relatives there, and it looked like my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper was doing pretty well with the school, so she didn’t have to worry about it. My sweet girl said, “You visit Chipper pretty often. I should call you Chipper Chatter, because you are always chattering about Chipper.” It was a good example of Native humour and I laughed.
I said, “Yes. She’s an old friend and she lives close by.” My sweet girl said, “You realize of course that you are not really friends.” I said, “Why not?” My sweet girl said, “What I'm saying is that you and Susan can't be friends because the quota part always gets in the way.” I said, “Quota part?” My sweet girl said, “Quota part. You can only have one female friend and that is your girlfriend, or the girl you hope will someday be your girlfriend. My father has no female friends aside from mom. My grandfather has no female friends aside from his wife Iris. My brother has no female friends aside from Deanna.” I said, “I thought your brother’s friend Josef Weeder had a live-in girlfriend who was your brother’s friend.” Your sister said, “It doesn’t count. She would not have anything to do with Mike, if it weren’t for Josef Weeder.” I said, “Your idea is not true. I have a number of women friends and there is no quota involved.” My sweet girl said, “No you don't.” I said, “Yes I do.” My sweet girl said, “You only think you do.” I said, “You say I'm having an unfriendly relationship with these women without my knowledge?” My sweet girl said, “No, what I'm saying is you want to be friends with them and you are really not.” I said, “I do not.” My sweet girl said, “Do too.” I said, “How do you know?” My sweet girl said, “Because no man can be friends with a woman unless he wants them to be his girlfriend.” I said, “What if they don’t want to be a girlfriend with you?” My sweet girl said, “Doesn't matter because the girlfriend thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. That's the way it is with you and Chipper, but you haven't realized it yet.” I said, “Does this apply to women too?” My sweet girl said, “No. Of course not. Whenever I have a boyfriend, I always have a lot of close male friends and none of them want to be my boyfriend. Unless you’re talking about my girlfriends then that might be different. When I was in high school, I had a girlfriend quota of 2, and so does my sister April.” The whole idea seemed odd to me, but I told my sweet girl I believed her.
When I talked to Chipper about what your sister said, she said my sweet girl had some strange ideas about friendship. Chipper said, “Paul. Your girlfriend was up in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) for 2 years and after that time, her only good friends were the Cranes, the Mukwas and Phil Goulais. As the schoolteacher, I have learned the names of every member of my student’s families -- nindawemaa (brother), nimisenh (sister), ningitiziim (parents). Your girlfriend didn’t. That’s the reason why she thinks the way she does.” I would like to agree with my sweet girl about everything, but I think in this case, Chipper is right. After all, Chipper is my friend and not my girlfriend.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Home from the hospital again. I don't know why I even bother taking off the gown. I've got salmon something or other and got dehydrated. I guess the neighbors heard Francoise wailing and they found me sort of half in the tub.
You can't imagine what this place looks like. The bathroom, well, it's like a bunch of foul teenagers were shooting super soakers filled with diarrhoea.
I did hear a Rebeccah tune on the radio while I was in the hospital though, during the overnight time slot. Moony McCrackin's Gonzo Overnight Show out of Moose Jaw played it as sort of a coda to their all Norse Drinking Songs Marathon. I have to hand it to Becky, it was a real toe-tapper. While she looks like the kind of teenage girl who'd steal condoms and pep pills out of the trucker section at the gas mart, I will admit she can really sing.
I don't know if I can face cleaning up this place. I'm thinking about moving.
Anthony
At 5:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
u now apes, i m super-tired of all this crap where u "have" 2 pretend 2 h8 me just 2 make ur mom happy. also u have nevah answered me whether u r gonna take howie's side in this or lizardbreath's, so i m guessing u r gonna side w/ ur ho-bag drunk-ass sister.
let's face it, we r superficial friends, but we have not rilly been good friends 4 ovah a year now.
we can still talk an' stuff an' i'll post here 2 let u know what's going on w/ me an' whatevs, but let's stop pretending we're still bffs. we're not. ur mom killed that.
i'd like 2 kill her an' ur sis 2, but i won't, 4 ur sake.
becks
At 6:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, r u trying 2 tell me that resistance is futile, i'll be patter-similated? cuz if that's true, i don't even wanna live nemore. i'm going 2 my room now, i'm gonna climb in2 my bed, throw my sheets over my head, and hope i croak.
if i don't croak, mayB i'll answer sum more posts.
apes
At 6:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, becky posted while i was posting the other comment, so i'm gonna answer and then go 2 bed an' hope i croak.
becks, i'm not pretending 2 h8 u nemore. i don't h8 u. but i guess u r rite that we're superficial friendz now.
i answered the question of whom i'd support as best as poss in this post. did u 4get abt it already?
apes
At 6:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, wtf? u think u can say mean shit like "o, she changed 100%" an' laff at that bitch eva sayin' shit like i have a big hed, an' then say u don't pretend 2 h8 me nemore? so what, that shizz is 4 reals? i don't get u at all.
also, that old post about who u would support sounds a lot like waffling 2 me.
xxcuse me, i have 2 take jer shopping now. he has 2 buy me sum fab fiancee presents.
becks
At 7:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy, you'd better not go with that boyfriend stealer! You said you'd be MY cowboy!
Eva Abuya
At 7:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
that wasn't h8, it was jellussy. like i sed. in my post. it was crappy. i'm not proud of myself.
i wasn't waffling. i wish i cd just say, "yeah, i'm gonna support howard, cuz i remember what really happed last yr, and howard has been a gd friend." but that shizz that happed 2 my memory the day i wrote abt in that post? it cd happ again, and it prolly will. i wish it wdn't, i wish i cd make it not happ, and i'm trying so hard 2 remember the truth by keeping gd notes. but do i really hafta xxplain how powerful the witch is?
gah, i'm going back 2 bed. i don't wanna b me nemore.
apes
At 7:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, i don’t wanna make u mad, but, i hafta buy rebeccah sum gifts. she sed it wuz my duty az her fake fiancé & ur cowboy 2 make up 4 the insults u & april sed b-hind her back n skool. rebeccah sez 4 me 2 tell u, “if ur cow leavez a pattie on sum1, u hafta clean it up.” i dunno wut that meanz, but rebeccah sez u shud b able 2 unnerstand it.
At 7:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
I guess she's got me there, cowboy. Dang, I hate when that happens!
Eva
At 8:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, 'course since i am nsultin' u by goin' shoppin' w/rebeccah, i'll get u sumthin' 2. ne requests? or do u want it 2b a surprize?
At 8:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Surprise me, cowboy!
Eva
At 8:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, rebeccah sez u wud prolly like this perfume called l'odeur de la cow-girl, but i'm not so sure. it smells kinda like april did wen she came back frum manitoba. there'z anothah 1 called l'odeur de la vache à fille which smellz a little bettah. i guess i bettah not tell u wut i am gettin', so it will b a surprize.
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