April's Real Blog

Friday, September 22, 2006

Being Perfect

More abt this past Tuesday. On the bus after school, Becks came up 2 me all, "Can I sit w/U?" And I was like, "Sure. No problem!" Becky sat down and went, "Every1 thinks I'm a prima donna, don't they." [Statement] And I answered, "Sumtymez U act that way, Beckers." I think I went in2 silhouette when she tilted back her head and sed, "The truth is... I don't know how 2 act NEmore. They dress me up, tell me what 2 say, how 2 stand, what 2 wear, what 2 do.... " Then I got out of silhouette and she went on, all "And don't get me wrong--I totally luv what I do! But being famous is an awesome responsibility!" I bugged my eyez out a bit when she sed this. Then she went, "U don't know what it's LIKE 2 B perfect!!" When she told me that, I shrunched my eyez shut, pinched my mouth all little, and prolly looked all fugs again. AGAIN. Oh, and I think the weird-looking kid with the knit cap and the Candace hair, sitting in front of us, was totally eavesdropping on our convo.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM  

8 Comments:

  • At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April & Liz and Everybody,

    Had my first RKD Rex Hai Keeba training session yesterday. It was a lot like the "wax on/wax off" and "paint the fence" scenes from Karate Kid. Only in this case the mantra was "move the apartment." Sensei had me get a truck off Gordo's lot and move him out of his place and into one of the Saltzman Lofts over on the other side of the highway. Sensei has decided to live a life of greater simplicity, though honestly, I'd rather live a life of simplicity somewhere that didn't have a toilet that looked like it was stolen from a Turkish prison and then put in sideways. At least I didn't have to move his girlfriend's weight collection. They're having "problems."

    It was hard because he was timing me and the stairs are totally treacherous, there's no railing and the fifth step up is missing. He'd open a beer and by the time it took him to empty the can it I had to have the truck half-finished. He watched me carefully the whole time from his doorstep to make sure I was placing my feet properly in the lifting "Donkey Stance."

    I was pretty exhausted after training. Sensei sold me some nutritional supplements in the form of a massage oil that would help me develop the strength of a grizzly. Sensei's "Bear Balm" is all-natural, Octagon Veterans Association Approved, and was originally developed by Chinese Warrior Railroad Workers as a muscle salve and recovery aid, plus it kept the leeches and Anopheles mosquitoes off in swamp bottoms. The ingredients use a lot of mystic native medicine, too, and since Liz has a spirit name and a deep understanding of Native Ways maybe she can tell my more about their powers. Bear Balm contains: "Swamp Bunny Gland Oil, Rocky Mountain Oyster Extract, Bat Excrete (ammonia, uric, phosphoric, oxalic, and carbonic acids), Simulated Roman Gladiator Scrapings, Ash, Yellow Dye no. 5 and stabilizing ingredients." Sensei said there's a another brand that doesn't have the Gladiator Scrapings but it's junk and you wouldn't last two minutes in the Octagon with cheap stuff because Gladiator Scrapings have electrolytes. I don't know if makes you as strong as a Grizzly yet but it kind of makes you smell like one. I walked in the MMM office this morning and Donna said "What happened? You smell like Bigfoot's dick." I whipped off my shirt Bruce Lee style and struck one of the poses Sensei taught me and told her that I was now a champion of freedom and justice. I guess I scared one of the office gals because she ran to the bathroom. Then Gordon started yelling about getting the dead skunk out of the joint. Those salesmen, they're always playing tricks on the showroom floor before we open.

    April, that was a great suggestion about cutting down on wind resistance. I talked it over with Donna, who is my confidant when it comes to cosmetology, and she said that I could shave my head and wear a loose-fitting wig and false mustache that could easily be whipped off in a fight, but the glue that holds false mustaches might cause it to hurt a bit as I ripped it off. As though a Rex Hai Keeba disciple who single-handedly totally punked Howard Bunt by grabbing him from behind would mind a little pain! She said she could teach me how to draw my eyebrows back in with a special kind of makeup pencil. It sounded good until I remembered that scene from the Clint Eastwood ape movie where the bikers were wearing wigs and drawn-on eyebrows after they had all their hair peeled off by the tar and the state troopers were laughing at them and saying "you guys are walking violations of the laws of nature, but we don't enforce them laws." Donna looked all shocked and asked if someone who was willing to deliver or receive deadly roundhouse kicks to the head in the Octagon would be bothered by what a couple of dumb American cops thought. That's the Power of Sensei's Rex Kwon Do teachings -- Donna couldn't help but become part of the Image Quest when I shared some of Sensei's words with her. Donna said we should run over to Sugar's salon at lunch and have them wax off all my hair. I asked her how much that would cost but all the gals are chipping in for something called a "Full Brazilian" for me, which is the ultimate in wind resistance cutting hair removal. I told her that while I did intimidate Howard with a deadly-looking kata through the window yesterday after I left the Dojo (they're in the same strip-mall) I wasn't sure if I should actually walk in there because then Howard might think I was looking for a fight, and looking for a fight is against the principles of RKD. She insisted that Howard would be professional and that she would call Sugar's and arrange everything so they knew I was just there on business. I'm going to put on my "fighting pants" anyway before we head over there just so I'm ready for anything.

    Yours in RKD,

    Anthony

     

  • At 5:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    I'm sorry we made you cry during the Brazilian wax. Be sure to apply that balm regularly to your skin as it heals.

    Marjee

    P.S. Love the "Hello Kitty" pants. Where did you say you got them? I'd love to get some to wear as jammies.

     

  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had a very enjoyable afternoon. I was doing my regular work as the shampoo girl in Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer’s hair salon, when Sugar came up to me and said, “Howard. You are not going to believe the phone call I just got. Donna who works at the Country Kitchen, the restaurant/convenience store at Mayes Midtown Motors is bringing Anthony Caine in for a Full Brazilian.” I said, “What? Are you kidding?” Sugar said, “No lie. But she wanted me to make sure that you don’t make any trouble because the ladies who work with Anthony really want him to go through with it.” I said, “I will be as passive as a Patterson.” Sugar said, “Well you don’t need to go that far.” Just to make sure I looked as non-threatening as possible, I put a lacy shawl over my dress to help me appear grandmotherly. In the meantime, Marjee Mahaha, who also operates as Sugar’s aesthetician, got the waxing area ready and started warming the crockpot of wax.

    I will have to say I smelled Anthony before I saw him, although I didn’t know the smell was Anthony at the time. It was like a cross between some dead animal and you won’t believe this, but…a sweaty gladiator. I hadn’t smelled sweaty gladiator since the time when I was…um…I keep forgetting you’re only 15. I’ll tell you that story in 3 years. Hopefully I will be out of prison by then.

    Anyway, Donna came in with Anthony, who was wearing his “Hello Kitty” gym outfit. He glared at me as soon as he entered, so I started humming Bobby Curtola’s Fortune Teller to put him at ease. It didn’t seem to work, because as Marjee was attempting to lead Anthony past me to the waxing room, he turned to Donna and said, “Donna. At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No flying solo. I need you with me to watch my back at all times.” Donna said, “Anthony. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” I tried to look as grandmotherly as I could, but Anthony seemed to be unfazed by my efforts. He came up to me and said, “Take a look at what I'm wearing, Howard. You thought grabbing you from behind and tweaking your ear was bad, you wouldn’t want to take a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys, would you?” I tried to appear as timid as I could, but Anthony continued, “In the Octagon, they say, ‘If you saw ninjas, you're seeing ghosts.’ You don’t want to see a ghost, do you Howard? Very scary business. Stay right there, while I learn an ancient Brazilian martial arts wind resistance cutting technique which Donna tells me all the experts in Brazilian Capoeira use.”

    Marjee managed to get him to the waxing room, but I could still hear him through the door.

    “What? Take my clothes off? Only for Elizabeth Patterson!”

    “What shape do I want my landing strip? An Octagon, of course! Or should it be Trademark Rex Kwan Do?”

    “Wax on! Wax off! Well, if it was good enough for Mr. Miyagi!”

    “I don’t mean to complain, but that wax is a little warmish. Could you cool it down a teensy bit?”

    “Why are you putting that linen cloth on the wax?”

    R-R-R-R-RIP!

    “Mother of God! The pain! You sadist! You foul torturer! Save me mother! This hell-woman is taking away every ounce of my manhood! You twisted, sick, foul….What are those tweezers for?”

    Then it was quiet. Donna walked out of the room. She said, “That was disappointing. He fainted after the very first rip. It’s not as much fun when he’s unconscious.” I said, “Can’t you wake him up?” Donna said, “Why bother? He would just faint again.”

    After some time passed, Marjee emerged with Anthony, walking bow-legged and limply. Sugar said, “Is he all clean?” Marjee said, “The only hair left is on his head, and a nicely done octagonal shape. Getting all eight sides was tricky, but I think it looks pretty good.” Donna said, “Excellent work. Anthony, maybe your Sensei will send all his pupils to Sugar’s when he sees what an excellent job she has done.” Anthony said, “I’ll kill Mr. Miyagi, if I ever see him.” Donna said, “I think he is already dead.” Anthony said, “Then someone got to him before I did. I knew my fellow brothers in the Octagon wouldn’t let me go unrevenged.”

    Marjee and Sugar helped Donna get Anthony to her car and then they left. Shortly after that, the air cleared of dead animal and gladiator. I missed the gladiator smell because it brought back fond memories, but the dead animal I could do without. Sugar said, “Well, we lost some customers while he was in, but I think I am going to remember this one forever.” I would have to agree with Sugar. It was very enjoyable day.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, i was wondering y the news had a "poor air quality" alert where they warned that the air downtown smelled of dead animal and gladiator. now i understand.

    apes

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i think u kinda misunderstood wut rebecca wuz sayin’ ‘bout the “perfect” thing. she haz been rilly conscious ‘bout lookin’ rite n public ever since she got caught w/her finger up her nose by a photog & found the pic made it 2 the toronto sun. she’z afraid 2 scratch ne kinda itch these days & she hazta wear makeup & nice clothez wenevah she walks the dogs.

    i wuz so depressed yestahday aftah c-ing duncan w/hiz handz on eva, i 4got 2 tell u ‘bout my 1st tutorin’ @ the learning resources centre. my tutor wuz a girl named zenobia barnaby, who smelled like cigarette smoke. she sed she remembered me frum wen i helped the z-girls pick up trash n sum park awhile back but i didn’t remembah her, but it’s prolly cuz i have a hard tyme tellin’ the z-girlz apart.

    zenobia wuz helpin’ me w/math, but i b-cuz i wuz depressed i wuz havin’ a hard tyme concentr8in’. she sed, “lissen. i’m gettin’ tired of sayin’ the same thing ovah & ovah.” i sed, “sorry. i saw my gf & this othah guy had hiz handz on her.” she sed, “who? name namez.” i sed, “my gf iz eva abuya & the guy wuz duncan anderson.” wen i sed duncan’z name, zenobia wuz all earz. she sed, “i thot sumthin’ wuz up w/him & zandra. i nevah trusted that guy.” i sed, “i thot all u z-girlz gave zandra ur z-girl seal of approval 4 duncan.” zenobia sed, “that wuz zapata, zenia, zahava & zainab. not me. i don’t accept a guy unless he iz perfect. othahwize, y bother?”

    i sed, “& wut wud b a perfect guy?” zenobia sed, “he wud look kinda like a cross between johnny depp in edward scissorhands, marilyn manson & edgar allan poe w/long hair, lotsa tatts & piercings, skinny but not skinnier than me, & smokes or @least duzn’t complain wen i lite up.” i sed, “duz a guy like that exist?” zenobia sed, “i dunno. but a girl hazta have standardz. u have potential. ur pale, dark hair, look pretty depressed mosta the tyme, & u definitely look like an oldah guy. zenia parkinson likes moldin’ men. i’ll check & c if she iz innerested.” i sed, “thass nice of u, but no thanx.” which i wuz glad i sed, cuz aftah that, eva told me she told duncan 2 touch her cuz she wuz still thinkin’ ‘bout whether 2 4give me 4 b-ing dominican republic fake betrothed 2 rebecca or not. which wuz a relief. i think.

     

  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Your latest Blog entry was a disappointment, especially after you were perfect yesterday. Physical descriptions are clearly not your forte. If you are going to mock Becky McGuire, silhouettes and ugly facial expressions are not the way to go. Who knows what they mean? Certainly not I, and I am your own brother. Revealing your own thoughts, particularly if they included a pun or comeback like, “I may not know what it’s like to be perfect, but I know when you are being perfectly rude or stuck-up or tactless or uncouth or some other adjective” would be better. I know the natural thought would have been, “But I do know perfection, since I am a Patterson”, which may be true, but rarely comes across well, since there is no pun. If you are going to make fun of that slattern Becky tomorrow, I hope you will bear this brotherly advice in mind.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your conversation with your friend Becky. Her idea of perfection is different from mine and yours too, if I am interpreting what you wrote about your expressions correctly.

    When I think of perfect, I think of your sister, Elizabeth. When I first met her, I thought to myself, “This is the woman for me.” I knew she loved children and wanted to contribute to society, since she was a schoolteacher. I knew she embraced the traditions of the Ojibway, since she was living and teaching in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and had a good understanding of native humour. She was well-educated and intelligent. She had a love for animals from adopting the abandoned kitten Shiimsa. And of course, it didn’t hurt that she was devastating beautiful. I knew I would probably never find another woman that perfect, with all those same characteristics again, and I fell madly in love with her. Even though today, my sweet girl is in Milborough and has virtually nothing to do with the Ojibway aside from e-mail and phone calls to me, I can still see that perfection in her that I saw when I first met her.

    I mentioned to my friend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper all the things I considered to be perfect about Elizabeth. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), why do you think that Elizabeth is the only girl who has those characteristics?” I said, “She’s the only one I have met.” Then Chipper said, “I think if you looked a little harder, you might find there is more than one girl who is perfect, by those standards.” I tried to think of one, but I couldn’t. Perhaps Chipper knows some. Since she went to university, Chipper knows more well-educated people than I do.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 8:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u really r thick! no wonder gordo and lawrence both refer 2 u as "michael 'bit of a thickie' patterson" b-hind yr back.

    i didn't want 2 mock becky in my post. mayB if u understood that, u wdn't b so disappointed. but who am i kidding, of course u wd, cuz u want me 2 b a total arse.

    i didn't report any "pun thots" cuz--ready 2 b SHOCKED?!?!?--i didn't HAVE NE! gah!

    jeremy, i did hear zenobia saying sumthing abt how u need 2 b molded. or she needs lessons in "remedial math tutoring". she'z not sure which.

    paul, liz is lucky 2 have such a nice bf!

    apes

     

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