Gramps Health Scare?
So, since Mom 8 the prime rib dinner that Annie Nichols gave her for Gramps Friday, Annie gave her another one yesterday and told her "I'm calling ahead 2 the Milborough Senior Living Palace 2 let them know 2 xxpect this, Elly, so if U can't control yrself this time, U'll have sum xxplaining 2 do!" So Mom 8 an entire burnt-butt casserole 2 keep her appetite in check B4 she went 2 the Empire Hotel 2 pick up the replacement meal 4 Gramps.
So, when Mom got 2 the odefoax home yesterday evening, the guy out front was all, "Jim and Iris R xxpecting U, Elly--but U'll have 2 leave the prime rib here." And Mom was all, "Not a chance, Dom. The box goez w/me!" When Mom got 2 the apt, Iris was all, "Elly! Thank God U're here!" Mom was, like, "Wow--Dad must B hungry!" Inside, as Mom was putting the dinner box on the counter, Iris was running over 2 Grampa's chair, and Mom was all, "What's wrong?" Iris was, like, "It's Jim! He sat down and... He isn't moving! He's just looking str8 ahead!!!" Mom went, "Is he breathing?" Then she went up 2 Gramps and sed, "Dad! U're scaring us!! DAD? DAD!!!" Iris was like, "He's not joking, Elly!... Not when U've brought prime rib!!!" Geez, enuf w/the prime rib worship already! My veggie lasagna is a zillion times better than st00pid prime rib. But NEway, Y didn't Iris just call 911 rite away? Y didn't Mom do it instead of standing there telling him he's scaring them?
NEway, I'm not sure what's going on w/Gramps. I don't think I'll B able 2 tell U more until 2morrow morning!
Apes
So, when Mom got 2 the odefoax home yesterday evening, the guy out front was all, "Jim and Iris R xxpecting U, Elly--but U'll have 2 leave the prime rib here." And Mom was all, "Not a chance, Dom. The box goez w/me!" When Mom got 2 the apt, Iris was all, "Elly! Thank God U're here!" Mom was, like, "Wow--Dad must B hungry!" Inside, as Mom was putting the dinner box on the counter, Iris was running over 2 Grampa's chair, and Mom was all, "What's wrong?" Iris was, like, "It's Jim! He sat down and... He isn't moving! He's just looking str8 ahead!!!" Mom went, "Is he breathing?" Then she went up 2 Gramps and sed, "Dad! U're scaring us!! DAD? DAD!!!" Iris was like, "He's not joking, Elly!... Not when U've brought prime rib!!!" Geez, enuf w/the prime rib worship already! My veggie lasagna is a zillion times better than st00pid prime rib. But NEway, Y didn't Iris just call 911 rite away? Y didn't Mom do it instead of standing there telling him he's scaring them?
NEway, I'm not sure what's going on w/Gramps. I don't think I'll B able 2 tell U more until 2morrow morning!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:09 AM
12 Comments:
At 10:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom called us about Grandpa Jim. She and Iris are still trying to figure out if Grandpa Jim is playing some kind of practical joke on them. I believe she said they are waving the prime rib under his nose to see if it revives him. Then mom spoke to Deanna about what to do, and she said, “If Grandpa is not moving, call 911 and call the staff in the building. That’s why you pay the money to live there. They know what to do.” I think mom and Iris plan to try a few more things before they do something as drastic as call 911. You know how Grandpa Jim is with his practical jokes.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April dear,
I noticed in your blog entry you were wondering why I or your mother did not call 911 right away when your grandpa Jim was sitting motionless in his chair. I wish to address that with you so that there isn’t any confusion.
Before your mother showed up with the luscious Prime Rib, I took a phone call from her friend Annie. I tried to speak softly into the phone so that Jim could not hear me, because as I said yesterday he gets a little too excited at the thought of “real food” coming to him, and excitement is bad for his heart. I hadn’t noticed that Jim had snuck up behind me and overheard my part of the conversation, the part where I told Annie to please stop sending delicious, tender, flavorful Prime Rib to the apartment because Jim could no longer eat it, as it is bad for his heart.
Well, Jim got a little agitated. He called me a few unsavory names and yelled about how everything he enjoyed in life had been taken away from him and what was the point in living anymore. He told me he would rather die than eat another “Burned Butt Casserole” I had fixed for him. He accused me of being a nag and said that marrying me was the worst decision he ever made. He then shuffled off to the other room. I decided to give him a few minutes to cool off from his childish temper tantrum, but I was also quite hurt by his words. I am just trying to make sure Jim lives as long as possible so that I don’t have to be alone again, and so that you and your family can enjoy him as long as possible. I know it can be difficult to live with a bum heart, but he owes it to all of us to make sacrifices and live as long as possible, even if it means his quality of life isn’t as good as it used to be.
After a few minutes I went into the living room to check on my dear, wonderful Jim, and that’s when I found him in his chair. Your mother rang the doorbell only seconds later, and well...you know the rest of the story.
I hope this clears things up. I certainly don’t want to be accused of any impropriety. I am very worried about your grandfather. The fact that the scent of the meaty, savory, perfectly-seasoned Prime Rib failed to rouse him is definitely cause for concern.
Sincerely,
Iris Richards
At 10:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I hope your grandpa is all right. I was very sad when my grandpa died. I was little and because I was special needs, they didn’t think I could understand it, but I could. I miss my grandpa.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, wow. if there iz nethin' u need, lemme know. mom iz gonna make sum food 2 bring 2 ur fam, az soon az u find out wut iz up w/ur grandpa. she'z evn gonna make enuff so it shud fill up ur mom, so the rest of u can have sumthin' 2. it's not prime rib tho.
At 10:11 AM,
howard said…
April,
I tried to go to your grandpa and Iris’ place to see if I could help. But the new security guy, Dom, wouldn’t let me through. I said, “There’s something going on with Jim Richards upstairs.” He said, “Everything is under control. If Jim and Iris are not expecting you, you can’t go up.” When did this place get so secure, all of a sudden? At least, your grandpa didn’t eat that awful Anne Nichols’ food, so we know whatever happened wasn’t food poisoning.
Let me when you hear anything else.
Howard Bunt
At 11:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Ms. Richards:
Now I'm sure you can see the folly of allowing your daughter-in-law to bring your husband a dish as fatty and unhealthy as Prime Rib! The mere thought of Prime Rib can clog the arteries. Studies have shown that thinking about Prime Rib increases your chances of heart attack, stroke, burst aneurysm, and/or indigestion approximately 375%.
I hope your husband will recover soon. To help in this task, I will share with you (for free!) my Convalescent Diet. It is modified from a Teenager Diet that I received from another contributor, Professor Melanie Forsythe.
Mix in blender equal parts of:
Blueberry
Acai berry
Banana
Kiwi
Orange
Pumpkin
Carrots
Soy tofu
Oatmeal
Also add:
5 Walnuts
2 tbsp. Spirulina
1/2 c. green tea
Puree and serve.
Best of luck to you.
Sincerely yours,
Quintilla N. Jones, M.D., Ph.D.
Gerontologist and Nutritionist
At 12:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
hey, peeps, i still don't know what's what w/gramps, i can't believe mom is still waving that prime rib under his nose even tho it's been there since last nite. it must b, like, spoiled by now.
iris, i really wasn't accusing u, i didn't know what was going on.
more news when i get it.
apes
At 2:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and your nokomis (grandmother) trying to revive your mishomis (grandfather). It was very sad news for me. I called your sister about it and she was sad and she said, “My mishomis (grandfather). You see, Paul. This is the reason I had to come back to Milborough, so I could be here with my family in this crisis. I told myself before I left Mtigwaki (Land of Trees); I didn’t know how much longer we would have mishomis (Grandpa) Jim with us, since he is in his 80s.” I said, “You must be happy you had 3 months to spend time with him before this happened.” My sweet girl said, “Spend time with him? What do you mean?” I said, “Wasn’t one of the reasons you moved back so you could spend time with your mishomis (grandfather)?” Your sister said, “I never said that. I’ve never even been to his apartment the whole time he’s lived there, but now I may have to. I wonder if this is some kind of trick to get me to visit.” I got very confused about this. I said, “How long has your mishomis (grandfather) lived in his apartment?” Your sister said, “Iris and he moved in together in the fall of 2002. My ngashi (mother’s) website says fall of 2003, but it is wrong.” I said, “In 4 years you have never been to your mishomis (grandfather’s) apartment. Have you even seen your mishomis (grandfather) in the last 3 months you have been back in the South?” She said, “No. Of course not. Do you think I should have?” I said, “I see my mishomis at least once a month, and he lives in White River with my ningitiziim (parents).” Your sister said, “I love those native traditions. Seeing your mishomis (grandfather) every month. Things are so different where you are than the way it is here in the South.” I said, “Your sister April says she has seen your mishomis (grandfather) in his apartment.” Your sister said, “She’s too young to know better. Besides, my ngashi (mom) makes her go. She can’t get my noos (dad) to go, except for birthdays and to deliver scooters.” I could hardly believe it. It made me think that when I marry my sweet girl, visiting family could be hard.
As for your mishomis (grandfather), I hope he is not dead and just in a heavy sleep. The Ojibway perceive that illness have natural causes, but these misfortunes could be caused by the evil work of someone else directing the forces of nature, like a witch or an evil shaman. I know you have spoken about witches before, so if you think your mishomis (grandfather) is sick from an evil witch, then the traditional Ojibway ritual is the Shaking Tent ceremony. This ceremony takes place in a small conical hut which, because of the power concentrated within by the shaman, would rise and shake violently during the ceremony. I asked your sister if she thought your mishomis (grandfather) was being attacked by a witch, but she said she didn’t think your mishomis (grandfather) was anywhere near someone named Thérèse.
Sometimes it is difficult talking to your sister. I know it will be better after I get my transfer to Toronto.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Dr. Jones,
Your Convalescent Diet recipe sounds just lovely, but unfortunately my Jim has a hard time with any sort of fruit substance. He gets explosive diarrhea when he consumes fruit of any kind, which you can imagine is very inconvenient for me. I would, however, consider using it for myself as I can still digest and enjoy fruit items.
Also, in regards to your comments yesterday about catsup, it can be difficult to find organic foods at the local Megafood Supermarket. I did hear that Gordon Mayes was considering opening a Health Food Mega Emporium, but until he does I am going to keep using the sodium- and sugar-free catsup I find in the Diabetic Foods aisle. While the thought of making homemade catsup for my dear Jim is tempting, his picky elderly palate prefers the bottled brands. Jim says if it’s good enough for Ronald Reagan (“The Gipper”), its good enough for him.
As for yesterday’s comments about tomatoes being an aphrodisiac, I can only assume you meant S-E-X and I assure you, Jim and I only shared intimacy once, on our honeymoon, to legally consummate our marriage. I couldn’t possibly participate in something that would put a strain on Jim’s already-weakened heart.
Yours,
Iris Richards
At 4:46 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
OMG, April, I hope your Grandpa is all right! I called my brother and he said he would go to the oldfolks home and check on him. He says the EMTs are there a lot, so the security guy should let him right up.
Luann
At 4:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
I have to type very quietly, so that your mother and Iris don't hear me, but I want to make sure that you know that I am fine. I have access to a laptop and am communicating with you, my favorite relative, to tell you what really happened today. I was indeed playing a game called "stroke victim" to smoke out the true, inner feelings of that hideous harridan I married. The fact is, I sat motionless and speechless for 12 hours before your mother showed up! Iris simply taunted me all that time, holding savory dog biscuits just beyond my reach, intentionally crumpling my "Hot Women of the Cold North" calendar in front of my eyes, and doing anything she could to provoke a reaction or trigger a final spasm to send me to the next world. I would like you to.....
At 6:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg!
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