Poor Gampers!
Yesterday afternoon, Annie Nichols, our neighbour, came by and asked Mom, "So, how did yr father like the prime rib special I packed up in the care package 4 him and gave U when U came by the hotel last Friday, Elly?" Mom turned all red and confessed that she 8 it all on the way home, all "SMACK...SLURPP...SNIFF", and then thot, "--Never fill yr car w/food when U're HUNGRY!" OMG, Mom, taking food away fr. an OLD MAN! Get sum self control!
But on a happier note, Beatrice Alfarero owes me $20 bux an' she owes Moira Kinney $40. U C, Mom was @ Lilliput's on Friday, "helping", and when I got there after school, Moira was all, "Well, now that April's here, I guess U can go!" So when Mom had put on her coat and was ready 2 leave, Moira was, like, "Thanx 4 yr help, Elly!" And Mom was all, "I luv working here, Moira. It's like old times." Moira asked if she was going str8 home, and Mom was like, "No--Annie called from the hotel. --She asked the chef 2 make another care package 4 my dad." Moira sed, "Give him my best." Then Mom drove off and Moira went inside and asked me an' Bea, "NE1 care 2 wager whether that food ever makes it 2 Elly's dad?" I was all, "There's no way. She's totally gonna scarf it all down in the car." Bea was like, "That's terrible! How can U 2 say such a thing! Elly's a nice lady, she wdn't eat food that's meant 4 her poor, ailing, semi-immobile father!" Moira and I shot ea other a look and then went 4 our wallets. We cdn't believe sum1 was actually willing 2 take this bet!
NEway, I think I mite suggest 2 Annie that I cd pick up the care packagez 4 Gramps fr. now on!
Apes
But on a happier note, Beatrice Alfarero owes me $20 bux an' she owes Moira Kinney $40. U C, Mom was @ Lilliput's on Friday, "helping", and when I got there after school, Moira was all, "Well, now that April's here, I guess U can go!" So when Mom had put on her coat and was ready 2 leave, Moira was, like, "Thanx 4 yr help, Elly!" And Mom was all, "I luv working here, Moira. It's like old times." Moira asked if she was going str8 home, and Mom was like, "No--Annie called from the hotel. --She asked the chef 2 make another care package 4 my dad." Moira sed, "Give him my best." Then Mom drove off and Moira went inside and asked me an' Bea, "NE1 care 2 wager whether that food ever makes it 2 Elly's dad?" I was all, "There's no way. She's totally gonna scarf it all down in the car." Bea was like, "That's terrible! How can U 2 say such a thing! Elly's a nice lady, she wdn't eat food that's meant 4 her poor, ailing, semi-immobile father!" Moira and I shot ea other a look and then went 4 our wallets. We cdn't believe sum1 was actually willing 2 take this bet!
NEway, I think I mite suggest 2 Annie that I cd pick up the care packagez 4 Gramps fr. now on!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:53 AM
16 Comments:
At 10:02 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your mother made the sacrifice and ate that nasty Anne Nichols’ food she sent to your grandpa to take “care” of him. I imagine your mother’s powerful digestive tract can handle the brutal treatment Anne’s cooking would dole out to it. Your grandpa’s might not have, and it would have been the last meal he ever ate, assuming that he could keep it down. Dog biscuits are not a good preparation for Anne Nichols’ cooking, however there are several poisons that if consumed over a period of time could prepare your stomach and overall physical system for it. Your mother has made a selfless sacrifice on the behalf of your grandfather. I hope she didn’t get too sick. If she needs someone to make her some decent food to recover, let me know.
As for me, I had a good visit with my friend yesterday and it was a nice break from thinking about my current situation. After work at Sugar’s today, Marjee and I are supposed to go by every store in Milborough and create a Bunt-Mahaha wedding registry. One of the interesting things I have discovered about Milborough is that the town is extremely wedding-oriented. Even at Mr. Singh’s store, you can create a registry. And as you know, in Lilliput’s, there is still that section of books your mother had set aside under the sign, “Books my Daughters Will Need, When They are Married, and They Will Be Married if it’s the Very Last Thing I Do, and You Might Need Them for your Wedding Too.” I am not sure why the sign is still there, since Moira Kinney owns the shop, but it is. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, thinks that we can create good will with the store owners, if they think there is potential business to be gained from my fake wedding to Marjee.
I hope you are having a good day today, and always remember, don’t eat Anne Nichols’ food.
Howard Bunt
At 10:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) eating food for your mishomis (grandfather). I had a very good day with your sister yesterday, but there was a moment which was very similar to your mishomis’ (grandfather’s) experience. Before your sister and I went on our hike, your sister opened up the trunk of the car to see if there was anything in there, and I said to her, “Do you see anything?” and she said, “SMACK...SLURPP...SNIFF” like the sounds your mother made. When I checked the trunk to see why she was making those noises, there was no prime rib dinner leftovers however, just an empty basket. I thought it was curious there was an empty basket there. However, your sister was in a very good mood during our hike to that place where we didn’t know exactly where we were. The landscape was pure Canadian Shield stuff, a Group of Seven-Style landscape very similar to Thunder Bay and Sudbury near North Bay. We were definitely not near Milborough. Even though your sister would not let me kiss her, it was so much fun going hiking with your sister, like we used to do when we first started dating, it was like an early Christmas present for me. I can tell you, I really felt like your sister and I were in love again for the first time, and I could see our marriage very clearly. I hope we have many more times like this, even after I get my transfer to Toronto.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My weekend with Paul was strangely disappointing, I expected it to be great, but it fell short, it's not my fault, I swear. I tried to ask Paul when he was going to get a transfer, and he kept saying stuff like he can't control whether he gets one or not, and I said, "Then just quit being a Mountie and get a job with Gordon, Anthony says they could use a new salesman," and of course Paul got all quiet and wouldn't talk after that. I liked the walking though, with all the trees, and I learned from Paul that "foliage" means "leaves," neat huh?
Liz
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your mom just gassed up at MMM. She came in to say "hi", "forgot" to pay, and left drool all over the cinnamon bun display case. Plus her hands were unbelievably greasy and smelled like old Arbys. Did she have minor a stroke or something?
Tell her if she "forgets" to pay for tanks of gas any more I'm going to be tempted to call the police, Gordon or no Gordon. I've got to be a champion of freedom and justice after all.
Liz, I mentioned to Gordo about hiring Paul as a salesman. He sorta joked and said we'd have to make sure he didn't accept beads and shiny bits of mirror in exchange for a new Crevasse but he seemed amenable to hiring Paul.
Sensei is back from the states. More training tonight!
Anthony
At 1:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
Your friend Gordon called me to offer me a job. He asked me if I would accept pay in wampum, and I told him no. Then he asked me what kind of salary I would like to make. I said as a Constable with 3 to 7 years experience in the Ontario Provincial Police, my salary is $71,567, so I would prefer to make a salary in that range. Your friend Gordon started choking, and I wished that I had been there in person, so I could perform first aid for him. He recovered and said, “Here at Mayes Midtown Motors, we operate on a commission basis, so your salary is what you make of it. If you moved a lot of Crevasses off the lot, then you could make what you are making now.” I said, “Do many of your salespersons make that kind of money?” Your friend Gordon said, “Not yet. But they could.” I asked, “What is the base salary if the salesperson doesn’t sell any cars?” Your friend Gordon said, “Hey! I’m not under investigation here! I called you to offer you a job. If you are going to get picky about how much money you make, then you are not Mayes Midtown Motors material.” I said, “Probably not. Miigwetch (Thank you) for your offer.” Then your friend Gordon “Monkey wrench to you too.” and hung up. I am sorry my sweet girl, but I don’t think working for your friend is best for us.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I didn’t realize Anne Nichols was still making food for grandpa Jim and Iris, since she started when she and mom took that computer class back in February/March of 2005 together. After all, mom hasn’t mentioned her in one of her monthly letters since June, 2005. I was surprised when Mom called and told me “It’s good to know that Anne is still thoughtful as ever, since having food gives Iris a break from cooking - something that's hard for people with arthritis.” I said to mom, “April said you confessed to Anne you ate the food.” Mom said to me, “Michael. You may rest assured that the next time I arrive at my father’s house, there will be food. Delicious food. This I swear.” Mom sounded a little strange so I did not press her about it.
Since you mentioned your former baby-sitter, a strange thought occurred to me. Anne Nichols’ kids are right around our ages and they were right next door. Why didn’t we play with them? It’s almost like Anne’s only purpose was to be your baby-sitter and then after she stopped doing that, was barely there anymore. My friend Lawrence was next door, and the Enjo kids who were my and Liz’s friends were across the street, but you went way down the road to play with Duncan Anderson and Becky McGuire. Did 6-fingered Leah gross you out too much? She was the closest of Anne’s kids to your age. Or was it because she wasn't ethnic enough?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony,
You know you are my very great friend but you need to mind your own business about my Mom and Dad "forgetting" to pay for gas at MMM, I asked Dad and he said they have a "arrangement" with Gordo so it's okay, and besides, you are a high-powered manager now right, so why are you sitting around watching the gas pump all day?
Also there is nothing wrong with Mom, there's this thing that happens to the women in our family when we get around food, spit starts flying out our mouths and we can't help gobbling it all down, like it happened to me too when Jesse stole me a pie, I ate almost the whole thing before I even managed to say thank you. If you want to be my very great friend for the rest of our lives, for better or for worse, you will have to learn to find that sort of thing as "normal" or even "endearing."
Liz
At 4:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
April dear,
I know her friend Annie means well and so does she, but tell your mother to stop bringing prime rib and other restaurant-type, rich foods to your grandpa Jim. He cannot eat it because of his heart, and he also cannot chew well anymore. There’s no point in tempting him with flavorful food he cannot eat. It just makes him frustrated, which is also bad for his heart.
Tell your mother that if she really wants to help feed her father and give me a break from cooking, she can make him this new heart-healthy casserole I’ve developed. It’s doctor-approved and will ensure Jim will stay around even longer so I won’t have to end up a lonely old widow.
2 lbs lean ground turkey
2 cups cooked white rice
1 can sodium-free carrots
1 box sodium-free frozen broccoli florets
1 clove garlic
Brown the turkey in a skillet, making sure you drain off the excess fat. Add the can of carrots, the rice and the defrosted broccoli florets. Chop the garlic finely and mix in thoroughly (garlic is good for the heart and provides flavor, but not too much!). Divide the mixture between two small glass casserole dishes. Freeze one dish and serve the other for dinner.
Jim and I each eat a measured one-cup serving every night for dinner. As of right now I call one dish “Turkey and Vegetable Casserole” and since we only eat half in an evening the next night we eat the leftovers. Then the following evening I warm up the frozen casserole and call it “Thanksgiving Surprise”. Sometimes I add a can of sodium-free peas instead of the broccoli and call it “Easy Teasy Peasy” and tell him I got it from the Rachael Ray cookbook. You’d be surprised how presentation makes all the difference.
For dessert I serve unflavored ice milk with a little food coloring in it and maybe a maraschino cherry as long as he promises not to eat it – sugar is bad for his heart.
Love,
Iris Richards
At 5:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Ms. Richards:
Your recipe for Geriatric Casserole sounds wonderful. I would like to include it in my new cookbook, which is tentatively entitled:
Heart-Healthy, High-Fiber, Low-Flavor, Easily Digestible Meals for the Elderly Diabetics You Love!
I would be willing to pay $200 for the recipe.
However, I would like to recommend one change. You should use brown rice, and not white rice. Brown rice retains many more nutrients, and also provides the extra fiber elderly persons usually require to have large, soft, and frequent bowel movements. If you substitute brown rice in your casserole, I promise you will see healthier deposits in your husband's diapers almost immediately!
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely yours,
Quintilla N. Jones, M.D., Ph.D.
Gerontologist and Nutritionist
At 6:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it wuz rilly nice of eva 2 help me study yestahday. she wuz so nice & i gotta lotta assignments done. it wuz like the whole thing w/duncan touchin’ her never happened & we were back 2gethah again, just like we were b4. i luvved sunday.
then 2day @skool. it wuz like the whole sunday thing nevah happed @all, like it wuz a different universe. i asked eva if she wunted 2 go 2 horny tims aftah skool w/me & she wuz like, “i’m goin’ 2 watch duncan’z soccer game. mebbe the goddess u serve will go w/u.” i h8 mondayz, particularly aftah a good sunday.
At 6:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, leah's xxtra fingers got removed. i think this was when she was still a baby. when annie useta take care of me, i think leah just thot of herself as 2 old 2 hang w/me.
i remember sumthing abt how liz useta play w/richard, and he wasn't v. nice 2 her. like he'd take one turn after another on the swings and make liz w8, like, 4ever. i'm not sure abt christopher's dealio.
iris, hm, i'm surprised mom even gets ne of anne's food 2 yr place, like ever. but when i tell her what u've sed, i'm sure what she'll do is let anne think that gramps is still eating her food, and then mom will just keep eating it in the car on the way home, figuring no1 will b the wiser!
apes
At 8:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Dr. Jones,
Thank you so much for the kind and flattering offer to purchase and publish my recipe in your book. I must say it sounds like a very interesting and useful read! 200 dollars seems like a lot of money for a recipe, and I just wouldn't feel good about accepting such an enormous fee for something that would ultimately help others like my dear Jim. I would, however, consider a trade: perhaps my own autographed copy of Heart-Healthy, High-Fiber, Low-Flavor, Easily Digestible Meals for the Elderly Diabetics You Love!?
I will certainly consider using brown rice rather than white to my recipe, as brown rice does have a nice flavor as well as the fibre benefits. However, I must be careful not to spoil my Jim with too much flavor - that isn't the point!
Sincerely,
Mrs. Iris Richards
At 8:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April dear,
I think your suggestion to have your mother still pick up the food from Annie, and then eat it herself (or take it home to Elizabeth) is an excellent idea. I can see why Jim calls you "the only one with brains in that (darn) family".
Speaking of, are you coming to visit us soon? I can't wait to try out my new recipe on you, it's sure to be a hit with you and your little niece and nephew! I call it "Retiree Chips and Salsa". It's sodium-free saltine crackers with a dab of sodium-free catsup. Now you and your grandfather can share a delicious snack while you have your musical fellowship.
Your friend,
Iris Richards
At 8:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, iris, i'll probably stop by on sunday so gramps can have sum "dixie time" an' pretend she doesn't look like a ratdog!
apes
At 10:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I remember when they hacked Leah's little fingers off, it was so freaky, Mom told us before hand that they were just going to tie string on them really tight and wait until they turned black and fell off, that that's what they do with extra fingers, and that jerk Mike wrestled me down and tied a string really tight around my pinky finger and told me it was going to fall off, it was horrible, I was so upset I went into my bedroom and cried and cried and then after a long time Dad came in and asked "What is up with all the screaming and crying in here? You want me to give you something to cry about?" and I showed Dad my finger which was all purple and I said, "Mike tied this string on my finger, and Mom says if it stays on too long my finger will fall off!" and Dad said "Why don't you just take it off then?" and I got really mad, I pointed out to him "That jerk Mike put it on there, it should be his responsibility to take it off, I'm not going to do his chores for him!" Then Dad kind of sighed and said "here I'll do it" and he took the string off, then he told me not to listen to Mom about anything medical because he is the one with the medical degree and she never even managed to finish college "since she got herself knocked up 'by accident.'" It was my best bonding moment with Dad in my whole life, I hope my husband will be just like that.
Actually though they didn't use string, the doctor cut them off with a knife or something, but she had bandages, it was kinda freaky.
Liz
At 10:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Ms. Richards:
I will happily provide you with an autographed copy of my cookbook in exchange for your recipe.
I am also intrigued by your recipe for Retiree Salsa. You are right to provide him with a low-sodium tomato product. Tomatoes are what is called a "superfood," which means they are packed with vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants such as lycopene. Lycopene, as you may have heard, helps to prevent prostate cancer. Legend also has it that tomatoes are an aphrodisiac. You will find many tomato recipes in my last cookbook, Spicing Up A Senior Sex Life the Superfood Way!.
Ketchup is a tomato product, but has had most of the nutrients processed out of it. If you must use ketchup, choose organic ketchup--it has three times as much lycopene.
Best of all is to run a fresh tomato through a baby food mill. Since you are cooking for a senior, you surely have one. Then cook it on a low heat for just a few minutes until it is lightly stewed. This will cut down on the acid, making the tomato more easily digestible for the sensitive senior stomach, while retaining the greatest possible penis-preserving properties of this, the most passionate of all vegetables.*
If you are looking for a less flavorful alternative to saltines, I recommend flattening a piece of low-sodium, low-carb whole wheat bread with a rolling pin, and baking in the oven at 450 degrees for six minutes, or until crisp.
Sincerely yours,
Quintilla N. Jones, M.D., Ph.D.
Gerontologist and Nutritionist
*Though botanically speaking, the tomato is a fruit, the Supreme Court ruled in the 1893 case of Nix v. Hedden (149 U.S. 304) that the tomato is a vegetable for legal purposes, as it is usually served with dinner and not dessert.
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