April's Real Blog

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Stroke?

So, Monday nite @ Gramps an' Iris' place, Mom called 911 and told the dispatcher, "Yes, cd U send sum1 rite away, pls! --I think my dad has had a stroke!" Iris was trying 2 talk 2 him, "Jim! Jim?" Then when my mom hung up, she went, "A stroke?!! --But... He was sitting @ the table just a few minutes ago. He was having a cup of tea! He was talking abt Xmas, --He was fine!!!" Then she put her arm on Grandpa's shoulder and sed, "Jim! Can U hear me?!!" And Mom told her, "I don't think he can, Iris. Sumthing is very wrong here. Let's w8 until the ambulance comes." Iris kinda threw herself on2 him, and Mom put her hands on Iris's shoulderz, saying "He's still alive, Iris!" And Iris replied, "Yes, his body is still alive... But is he still in there?!!"

::sob:: I hope so, I luv my Gramps! :(

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:49 AM  

21 Comments:

  • At 7:14 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    "monday's nite" shd be "monday nite" and
    "shed went" shd be "she went". blogger is being imposs this morning, an' when i tryta edit, it just hangz 4evs. sorry abt the typos. it's hard 2 type well when i'm worried. :(

    apes

     

  • At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Mom called and said Iris was driving her crazy. She tried to call on Iris’ phone but she didn’t know where it was, so mom had to use her cell phone. Then she kept on shaking Grandpa Jim and trying to wake him up. Mom said she knows the right thing to do when someone has a stroke is to sit back and relax until the ambulance gets there and maybe enjoy a nice prime rib dinner. But she couldn’t do that because she constantly had to pull Iris off of Grandpa Jim to keep her from smothering him.

    It’s good to know it was just a stroke though. Grandpa Jim will recover from that in no time; just like mom got over her menop…I think we may need to come to Milborough for a visit.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am sorry your grandfather had a stroke. I stroked a kitten once, but my mother took it away because of my allergies. I don’t think it is the same thing.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, mom brot sum food 2u last nite. i hope u got sum. mom sed ur mom wuz all “prime rib” this and “prime rib” that. i dunno wut’s so gr8 ‘bout prime rib neway.

    my mom sez ur mom iz so calm, she iz gonna have a majour breakdown. i told my mom that ur mom wud nevah have a majour breakdown, unless she counted all thoze tymez wen ur mom unhinged her jaw & screamed @the top of her lungz. my mom sed thass wut sum peeps do wen they have a breakdown. then i sed ur mom prolly wud have 1 of thoze, since she haz thoze pretty often.

    sorry ‘bout ur grandpa. lemme know if u need nething.

     

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am devastated your Grandpa Jim had a stroke. It seems like just last weekend when he won the scooter races I organized on the lawn of the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace. He looked fine then, but I know these things can come suddenly. My great aunt Korinna, when she had a stroke, she was just sitting having tea and speaking of St. Patrick’s Day, when she had numbness in her face, arm and leg on one side of her body; then she was suddenly confused, and had a hard time speaking and understanding; then she had trouble seeing in her eyes; then she got dizzy and she had a severe headache. She told us all those things were going on and we called for the ambulance immediately. She went to hospital and years later she recovered for the most part, except she walks with a cane and slurs her speech.

    It’s a good thing your step-grandmother Iris was right there and recognized the symptoms of stroke. Now that I think about it, sitting down, not moving and staring straight ahead are not really stroke symptoms. I hate to say this April, but did you actually hear a doctor say your grandpa had a stroke, or was it just your mother?

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and your nokomis (grandmother) worried about your mishomis (grandfather) while they waited for the ambulance. I hope your mishomis (grandfather) has not had too severe a stroke and he recovers soon. I asked your sister if I needed to leave Otter County to come down to help, and she told me it was not necessary, because she already had moral support. It is good to know that your family has people to help out in your time of need. Please keep me informed of your mishomis (grandfather’s) progress.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Ms. Patterson:

    I thought your family's response to this tragedy with your grandfather was kind of odd. So I decided to do a survey of your family and friends to ask how they felt about your grandfather's possible stroke. I thought you might be interested in the results, but I will list the answers anonymously to protect the privacy of your family members. I have changed the wording in places where people used terms like "grandpa" and "mom" to keep you from knowing who is who.

    Responses I got included:

    "I hope everyone will remember not to overreact. Just because he's comatose doesn't mean there's anything really wrong. But, if he dies, at least [Elly] got that burial plot organized. Thank God for [her] unwavering competence!"

    "This is going to be terrible for me! Just awful for me! Why didn't he think of me before he went and had a stroke?"

    "Oh well, he was pretty old. It was bound to happen soon. Iris and Elly were kidding themselves if they thought otherwise. On the bright side, his scooter is still very new. Maybe we can trade it in for something neat, like a Pavo."

    "I'm glad I am nearby during this tragedy. I don't really care about him, but [Elly] will need my help running the Sharon Park Drive Emergency Casserole Phone Tree."

    "Crap. I hope he dies fast. I can't afford to take time out of my busy work schedule for hospital visits and funeral stuff. Oh well, maybe I will get [inspiration for a creative activity] from it."

    "I hope he lives. It is so hard to get [young children] dressed up for a funeral and into the car with all their stuff. It would be more convenient if he could wait until [his great-grandchildren] are out of diapers."

    "I've known Elly for over 30 years, and let me tell you something: she is going to be thrilled if he dies. She makes every crisis all about her. It's an opportunity for her to show off how wonderful she is."

    "Maybe Elly will invest her inheritance in my business. I have been wanting to expand."

    "Me too!"

    "I bet Elly uses her inheritance to buy us a house when I marry [her daughter]. The house I got from [my boss] is too crummy to properly house a Patterson woman. There isn't even a central vac, let alone a sewing room. And there isn't even one clear plastic stackable storage container in the place."

    "I hope I can go to the funeral. I can probably get time off of work. But I am not sure I am invited. I will just have to wait for [Elly's daughter] to call me. I'm sure that will be soon. I will sit by the phone and wait."

    "I hope he's dead. That bastard was having an affair with my wife. I know because I found his dentures under our bed."

    I just thought you should know.

    Signed,

    A Friend

     

  • At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I just want you to know I have already activated the emergency casserole phone trees, Mom said to start the one at the Senior's Living Palace too, that old people need to have a distraction when one of their own dies and cooking is a good distraction, at least for the women, since men don't cook, they just go buy a roasted chicken and couscous already made at the grocery store, although men do grill out sometimes, since that is manly, it is not useful in a crisis like a casserole is, since grilled steak does not freeze beautifully, the old people will bring casseroles to Iris so we don't have to share ours.

    Unfortunately I also by accident activated the Sharon Park Drive Emergency "Help, My Husband Is An Adulterer" Phone Tree, and that cancelled out the Casserole Phone Tree since everyone knows you avoid a woman with a cheating husband because it makes you uncomfortable to be around them, so now we are not going to get any casseroles, when I called up Connie to tell her I made a mistake and to help me fix it, she said, "I just can't hear this, Elly!" and slammed down the phone.

    What are we going to do if we don't get any casseroles, will we starve or what, how else do you get food during a crisis? Mom is going to kill me, she has been looking forward to getting her turn at casseroles for years, she is always bitching about how she didn't get any when Grandma Marian died because it was not local, she even once said "How come April couldn't have been born with a club foot or something, I could of got casseroles then."

    Liz

     

  • At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i wunt every1 2 know, i wuz not the 1 who sed:

    "I've known Elly for over 30 years, and let me tell you something: she is going to be thrilled if he dies. She makes every crisis all about her. It's an opportunity for her to show off how wonderful she is."

    i am only 15!!! i wish peeps wud quit askin' if i sed it.

     

  • At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I didn't say:

    "I hope I can go to the funeral. I can probably get time off of work. But I am not sure I am invited. I will just have to wait for [Elly's daughter] to call me. I'm sure that will be soon. I will sit by the phone and wait."

    But I would have said it, if I went to work. Does school count as work?

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Shannon,

    I am pretty sure I was the one with that quote, except I think I mentioned I had an exquisite long black dress with a veil that would be perfect for the occasion.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    More quotes from the friends of the Patterson family:

    "He was kind of annoying to work for. He never got my name right. But, one time when I was wearing a dress and looking my most feminine, he pinched my butt and called me 'Cutie.' If he dies, I won't be sad, but I have a great funeral outfit I'm dying to wear. It's all about the hats, darling."

    "I...hope...I...get...invited. If...I...can't...ride...in...the...limo...with...[Elly's daughter], maybe...my...brother...will...give...me...a...ride. All...the...popular...kids...will...probably...be...there. [Elly's daughter]...is...the...greatest."

    "Great. Now I'll officially be the oldest-looking person in Milborough. That makes me mad enough to want to run somebody down with my Mom's car. I look so old that everyone assumes I have my license."

    "I am writing a song especially for Grandpa Jim's funeral. It is an adaptation of Elton John's 'Candle in the Wind.' He was a jerk, but this will be the perfect PR move to outdo my [half-sibling with prostitute-like qualities]."

    "No way, I am April's new best friend. My girlfriend and I are going to do this funky rap/gospel number called 'Amazing Gramps/Grandpa Killah'."

    "April's grandfather should have a Viking funeral. My friend [with a Viking name] is helping me build the longship now. We will set it afloat on the creek where April killed Farley. We will put her grandfather's body on it, light the ship on fire, and set it adrift. That is the only way to honor one's dearly departed elder. Also, a lot of brennevin will be needed for funeral refreshments. Since I am [Elly's daughter's] pre-fiance, I am sure the family will agree with me."

    Signed, A Friend

     

  • At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    well here's my song, peeps!

    grouchy grandpa jim
    goodbye grandpa jim
    though i never knew you at all
    your slow pace always annoyed them
    but at least you never crawled

    then one day you fell on the couch
    they say you bled into your brain
    they set you on the gurney
    and to the hospital they took you away

    and it seems to me you lived your life
    like a grouchy grandpa jim
    always knowing who to gripe to
    when the crochety set in
    and i'm glad i didn't know you
    'cause i'm a cheerful kid
    your life lost all meaning long before
    your life ended

    old age aches were tough
    you bellyached and complained
    gout created a monster
    your wife became your co-dependent maid
    even when you died
    oh your wife still hounded you
    she just had to say
    you killed yourself with prime rib menus

    goodbye grandpa jim
    from the young girl on the stage
    who sees you as a figure quite grim
    an example of miserable old age

     

  • At 4:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April dear,

    I know you’re upset about your grandpa Jim’s condition. I am too. I hope you realize that I will always be your friend when your grandpa goes up to Heaven.

    Now, far be it for me to criticize your mother, but what you don’t know is that after Elly and I tried to wake up Jim, I decided to activate the emergency response system we have in our independent senior assisted living complex. This system automatically alerts the ambulance and fire services as well as the building complex staff, so that the seniors that live here can get immediate assistance.

    Well, your mother insisted she use her cell phone and call emergency services herself rather than use the building system. She said her cell phone was not only more technologically advanced than the building emergency system, but that because she is a Patterson her cell phone had a special link to the police and that we could get a much faster response that way. So she whipped out her cell phone and pressed a few buttons. We waited and waited. She said “It’s ringing,” while I got more and more scared. I just wanted to go activate the emergency response, but she insisted “someone will pick up soon. Don’t worry, Iris, dad is still alive!” Finally, she said “Hello? Hello? Yes, this is Elly Patterson, to whom am I speaking? Oh HELLO, Frank! Good to hear your voice! How’s Susan? Yes, excellent. And the kids? Good, glad to hear it! Oh, every thing is fine at our house, Elizabeth moved back in with us you know. No, she’s not married yet…not YET, anyway…yes, I know, I know, I keeping TELLING her that...hmmm, yes, that’s a good point. I’ll be sure to mention that to her. Oh yes, John is doing very well. He still has the train set, still working away on it when I don’t have him doing chores. Yes, I will tell him. Mike and Dee and the grandchildren are fine, the grandchildren are growing like weeds! I’m so glad I retired so that I can spend more time with them. Oh, didn’t you know that? Yes, I sold Lilliput’s! To Moira. Yes, she runs the place now, although she’s been very good about running all her decisions by me. I’ll always be the expert! Oh now, Frank, Moira’s a friend! I could never charge her for consulting services, and besides, she lets me buy books at wholesale. That’s good enough. Right, I know. Yes, we still have the dogs; they’re as crazy as ever. Oh, it’s terrible, I have to vacuum all the time and I still can’t keep up. How’s who? Oh, April. She’s...fine, I guess. She’s a teenager, you know how they are. Yes, well, she’ll be 18 and out of the house soon. You know, it’s funny you mention my dad as I was just calling about him. He seems to be having some problems today. Well, this is a bit more serious than that, I think he needs an ambulance. Yes, could you send someone right away, please? I think my dad has had a stroke! Ok, thank you, Frank. I appreciate it. Goodbye now.”

    After she got off the phone, we talked a little bit about the implications of Jim’s stroke. I started thinking about the Living Wills we had drafted, remembering how I promised Jim I would make sure he didn’t linger on if he was incapacitated. I think I need to take a trip to the safe deposit box and pull those out, just in case.

    My, no matter how much forethought you put into it, you’re never prepared for this sort of thing when you’re faced with it. I pray the Lord gives me strength over the next few days.

    Yours truly,
    Iris Richards

     

  • At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,
    Ii's Gramps again! I continue to feign being a vegetable. I only have a few minutes to type this, while your mother is in the kitchen polishing off the prime rib she brought "for me" and Iris is at the front door flirting with the young EMT techs. My message to you yesterday was cut off when Iris caught me using the laptop I had secreted under the comfy blanket covering my lap. Her face bore an expression of pure evil as she tore it out of my hands. (Your Mom was far too busy snorting beef fumes to notice or care.) I realize now that I'm surrounded not by a loving family but by a brood of vipers. From your limp-wristed older brother to your dim, frigid older sister to your frustrated train engineer father to your lard-assed mother. And just this week I discovered that Iris, my "comfort in my old age," has been draining the tidy fund I'd established and hoped to put aside to bankroll your musical career. I also have reason to believe she's been poisoning the dog food she's been feeding me. The end comes just in time. Run away, as far as you can! Consider emigrating to the States even.
    Your loving Gramps

     

  • At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear April,

    I did not know what to make of the following quote:

    "April's grandpa, he was just like a cowboy. A cowboy is a loner, and so was Grandpa Jim. He'd gotta get on his trusty steed and ride hard and long through the day, with his faithful dog at his side. At night, he'd fall into his bunk, dusty and bone-wearing from the long, hard days cruising around the rec room and the garden. Sometimes he'd even take a posse with him and scout out the local doctors' offices for all the things a cowboy loves: redeye whiskey, card games, and easy women. He'd strap on that Medic-Alert panic button just like a gun, locked and loaded, and you'd see in that thousand-yard stare that he was dreaming of the open range. Or at least that's what we all thought, before they told us he had a stroke."

    I am wondering: what is wrong with this speaker? (I'm sure you know who she is.) Is she mentally ill? Or is she a space alien? She has an odd appearance, with lavender skin and white hair.

    Sincerely yours, A Friend

     

  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, peeps, don't plan gramps's funeral! that's so unlucky!!!

    ger, i did NOT kill farley. gah, i thot u of all ppl knew that. :(

    gramps, omg.

    "friend", that last quote soundz like my pal eva. she has a habit of using cowboy analogiez, that's all!

    apes

     

  • At 6:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, during my study session w/zenobia barnaby, i mentioned that ur grandpa had a stroke. we didn’t get a lotta studyin’ done aftah that. zenobia iz rilly n2 talkin’ ‘bout death. she evn sed she rilly likes boyz who talk ‘bout death. i guess this meanz my tutorin’ will go a lot easier, az long az i can rel8 skool work 2 death.

    by the way, wen i took that survey, the lady sed the results were gonna b confidential. that stuff ‘bout the 'amazing gramps/grandpa killah' wuz suppozed 2b a joke.

     

  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i 4got 2 say, that food yr mom brot was really good. i'm lucky mom's all fix8ed on prime rib l8ly. i'm w/u, i don't know what the fuss is w/prime rib.

    apes

     

  • At 10:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I agree with you about prime rib. Many consider it to be the ultimate in quality dining, but it is an overrated. It frequently arrives at one's table in a lukewarm state. I also find its flavorful is inferior to steaks such as a filet mignon or a New York strip. Pater frequently takes us out to Morton's on the nights that Mater is dining with representatives from the clothing lines that are sold at the Luxurion Department Store.

    You are right that I am involved in the plan to give your grandfather a proper Viking cremation at sea (or at creek), but I did not accuse you of killing Farley. I believe that A Friend inserted that into my quote as an expression of her own point of view.

    "A Friend" was definitely a woman. She told me I was "hot" and wondered why I am dating you. Then she offered to give me a "grand slam" any time I wanted.

    Then again, "A Friend" could also have been a man talking in a falsetto. I have been propositioned by many gay men before.

    Your devoted Gerald

     

  • At 12:52 AM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    April,

    My bro called. He said when they got 2 the old folks home an old lady met them @ the door & was flirting w/him & his partner. Flirting w/my brother, Mr. Pineapple Head?? Anyway, they got past her & fortunately ur Mom was in the kitchen eating something, so she was out of the way.

    They got ur Grandpa to the hospital and they were calling in a neurologist and starting a cat scan when Brad left. He says to try not to worry too much, because your Grandpa is in good hands.

    Luann

     

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