Grandpa Thoughts
MayB this will B my last day telling U abt this past Monday. Here's hoping so.
Grandpa thots. "Grandpa playing the guitar" thoughts in one class, "Gramps giving me a hug" thots while playing basketball in P.E. "Gramps holding up his head w/1 fist" thots while putting on my jacket 2 leave 4 the day. Then on the bus, when I was sitting by myself and trying not 2 turn in2 a werewolf, I thot, "The wonderful thing abt praying is .... U can do it NEwhere." 4 Sum reason, I just had an image of my mug sayin' that on a pic on a buncha biddies' fridge doors. Weird.
Apes
Grandpa thots. "Grandpa playing the guitar" thoughts in one class, "Gramps giving me a hug" thots while playing basketball in P.E. "Gramps holding up his head w/1 fist" thots while putting on my jacket 2 leave 4 the day. Then on the bus, when I was sitting by myself and trying not 2 turn in2 a werewolf, I thot, "The wonderful thing abt praying is .... U can do it NEwhere." 4 Sum reason, I just had an image of my mug sayin' that on a pic on a buncha biddies' fridge doors. Weird.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:34 AM
17 Comments:
At 2:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your anami`ewin (prayer) while you were sitting on your bus trying not to become le loup-garou (French for werewolf) or I think maybe just a mayiingan (wolf). You have good sense of humour and an interesting view of prayer. I think it must be a family view. Your sister told me once that your ngashi (mother) was at the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) pow-wow and was allowed to participate in the sacred fire, where you light tobacco so the smoke could carry your thanks to Ah-ki' (Mother Earth). Your sister said your ngashi (mother) instead thought about her own ngashi (mother), making it a jiibenaakiwin (offering for the dead). I asked your sister why your mother chose to think about her ngashi (mother) instead of Ah-ki' (Mother Earth) and your sister said that was what prayer was. I explained to her in Ojibway culture, sometimes people prayed to the gichi-manidoo (Great Spirit) or to Mishomis or "Grandfather," since everything in the world was created before Original Man, so many things are referred to as "Grandfather." Then we would do biindaakoozh (make a tobacco offering) and the Prayer Carrier, the Migizi (eagle) carries the prayers to the creator. This is an example of a traditional Objibway anami`ewin (prayer) translated into English:
Oh Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds
And whose breath gives life to everyone,
Hear me.
I come to you as one of your many children;
I am weak .... I am small ... I need your wisdom and your strength.
Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunsets
Make my hands respect the things you have made.
And make my ears sharp so I may hear your voice.
Make me wise, so that I may understand what you have taught my people and
The lessons you have hidden in each leaf and each rock.
I ask for wisdom and strength
Not to be superior to my brothers, but to be able to fight my greatest enemy, myself.
Make me ever ready to come before you with clean hands and a straight eye.
So as life fades away as a fading sunset.
My spirit may come to you without shame
When I told this prayer to your sister, she told me in the South anami`ewin (prayers) were not as pretty but a lot easier. She suggested I just think about a dead or almost-dead relative instead. I can tell I am going to have some trouble adjusting to living in the South, when I get my transfer.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Your memories of Grandpa Jim are different from mine. When Grandma Marian died, and Grandpa Jim came to live with mom and dad and you, I was already out of the house. So the guitar-playing, hugging, holding-up-his-head-with-his-fist grandpa is not the one I remember. Whenever I saw him doing that, I used to think, “Where is the grandpa I remember from our trips to see him and grandma Marian in Vancouver—the chain-smoking, beer-guzzling, woman-leering grandpa?” He was like a whole new person, more like a Sheilagh Shaugnessey kind of grandpa, than the Harvey Rood-like grandpa I remember. I’m glad you have your thoughts about Grandpa Jim and they seem to be nicer than mine.
By the way, Deanna has started saying, “I am Linux and I am free.” for some reason. I can’t figure out if it is some sort of new slang. She also wants to get a pet iguana, but fortunately our landlady Lovey Salzman has a “no pets” policy in the lease. I have no idea what has brought on these changes. It must be that time of the month.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i heard the basketball coach sayin’ the way u were playin’ b-ball wuz the best he had evah seen u play. he sed wen he looked @u, the basketball went n2 the basket ovah & ovah gain, like u nevah missed. i wish i coulda seen that. the coach sed it was helluva lot bettah than u did last march . he mite try 2 recruit u 4 the team. ‘course i gotta wonder wut u r doin’ in health & physical education, since u were takin’ that in grade 9 n the spring semester & u only need 1 credit of health & p.e. 2 grad frum high skool. i know u are takin’ math, history & english frum wut u told me b4, but u wrote in ur september monthly letter u were takin’ science, french, english & history. did u drop science & french 4 math & p.e. or iz ur mom editin’ ur monthly letter 2 the courses she wishes u were takin’? it duzn’t make sense 2 me u wud drop science, cuz u need that 4 the veterinary thing. i’m not tryin’ 2 get n2 ur bizness, i wuz just confuzed ‘bout the basketball thing n ur blog entry.
At 3:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I pray too. I have a prayer that I will get to talk to you in person before next year. That would be great. I loved talking to you this week. Do you have any more relatives that are sick?
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 4:16 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey April,
I'm sorry about your Grandpa Jim but I'm sure that you already know that since you and I are so totally connected and we so totally blend together.
Eva and I have been together for a few weeks now. We are very happy. When we are not at school or at band practice, we are usually sitting in the corner booth at Tim Hortons, gazing into each other eyes. I went to Eva's house for Thanksgiving dinner last night. I am going to Eva's house for Thanksgiving dinner tonight. I am going to Eva's house for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night. I am going to Eva's house for Thanksgiving dinner Monday night.
Later. I'm on my way to Tim Hortons with Eva for a black decaf before dinner
At 4:21 PM,
duncan anderson said…
ANGRA MAINYU, MY LOVE,
MEET ME AT THE BACK DOOR AT THE ABUYA RESIDENCE AT 6:00 PM. THE OLDER FEMALE TOOPID IS COOKING ANOTHER TURKEY TONIGHT.
YOURS ALWAYS,
FAUSTUS
At 4:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
yo, just wanted 2 remind u guyz who got invited, thanksgiving dinner is tomorrow at my house. not on monday. mom sez mondays suck enuff w/o making a gr8 big mess 2 clean up in her kitchen.
becks
ps--glad 2 hear my guitar suggestion helped. mayb u could write sumthing really nice abt me on ur blog, like "becky made me feel better." i m tired of getting the shaft w/ u.
At 4:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, yeah, it's amazing how well we blend. wow, that's a lotta t-giving dinnerz!
paul, that's a cube prayer.
that's 2 bad abt yr mems of gramps, mike. i guess he changed a lot around the time he came 2 live @ the house.
jeremy, i was kinda out of it on monday. i think i wandered in2 a p.e. class when i was supposta b in a diff class. or mayB i'm confused now.
shannon, we can talk in person whenev, but don't b disappointed if i don't do a special blog entry abt it ea time.
apes
At 4:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
becky made me feel better, yo!
what time shd i b there 2morrow? wd u like me 2 bring nething?
apes
At 5:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, if u wanna bring sumthing, i'd recommend a taser. but if u mean food-type stuff, then bring whatevs is ur specialty. we'll just throw it on the pile. blieve me, it'll get eaten. last year uncle jethro an' gramma hortense had a fite over who got to eat the turkey neck, after the rest of the food wuz gone. yeah. nasty.
becks
At 5:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
DEAR LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND,
I AM BORROWING FAUSTUS'S TOOPID TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I WON'T BE COMING HOME UNTIL TUESDAY. I HAVE FOUND A TURKEY-AND-SEX-FILLED PARADISE, AND EVEN THE JAWS OF LIFE COULDN'T PRY ME AWAY.
HAVE FUN DOING WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE GOING TO DO ON THANKSGIVING. PROBABLY JUST SIT ON THE COUCH AND WATCH TV WITH YOUR MOTHER LIKE YOU DO EVERY WEEKEND.
LATER, "SHIIMSA"
At 6:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I should be upset that my sweet, delicate little angel kitty has escaped, but I have much more important things to think about, MOTHER is growing a hideous THING out of her chin, it's unspeakable, it's so gross!
I have to go now, there is a "Jem" marathon on that cartoon channel right now, that is still just about my favorite show ever, except maybe for my soaps and those movies they make from Danielle Steel books, which are really too long to read.
Liz
At 6:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, i'm @ ger'z house. u don't wanna b around liz when she has a chance 2 watch a "jem" marathon.
apes
At 7:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
My parents have arrived. Since they were coming from out of town, they thought it would be a good idea to arrive early. When they came in the door, my father said, "Watch out for your mother. She's got religion." I said, "Since when has mom become religious?" My mother said, "Ever since I learned my baby boy is going to be sent to prison for the rest of his life." I said, "We haven't had the trial yet." My mother said, "Your lawyer talked to us and told us to expect the worse, because it was not possible for you to get a fair trial in this town and the judge has refused to change the venue. The thought of you being in jail until you die has made me think that the only thing that can save you is God. So, I am appealing to the Almighty." I said, "Oh my God!" My mother said, "Exactly!" My dad said, "Where's the beer?" I said, "It's in the refrigerator, but don't drink the Brennevin, unless you want to get sick." My dad went over to the refrigerator and opened a beer. Then Becky came into the room and I introduced her.
I said, "Mom. This is my fiancée Becky McGuire." My mom said, "The music star! Are you sure you want to marry Howard, now that he is going to spend the rest of his life in prison?" Becky said, "Don't worry. If they put him in prison for life, my dad and I will break him out." My mother said, "That's a relief to hear. Do they let music stars do that kind of thing?" Becky said, "Whitney Houston got Bobby Brown out of prison a lot of times." My mother said, "Who?" I said, "A singer in the States. She used to be famous."
My mother said, "Oh! Well, Becky, I am very happy to meet you. You're going to be the mother of my son's children, I understand. I am so looking forward to grandchildren." I said, "You already have grandchildren from my sister." My dad said, "But they are not as cute as they used to be." My mother said, "That's enough out of you. Drink your beer and I will pray for your forgiveness. The wonderful thing about praying is .... You can do it anywhere, including in front of beer drinkers." Becky said, "I don't think you need forgiveness for drinking beer." My mother said, "Jesus was a wine-maker, not a beer-maker. I've told my husband time and time again, what would Jesus do? Jesus would drink wine, and the good stuff too. Not that stuff from the States, but good European wine." I said, "We have some wine, dad." Dad said, "No. No. Wouldn't touch the stuff. It's nasty. Beer is fine by me, even if it's not fine by Jesus. I prefer the hops and barley to the grape juice. I am a grain man."
Becky said, "Grain man. That's kind of like that movie with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman called..." My mother said, "Becky, no! You absolutely do not want to mention the name of that movie in front of Howard's father. His impersonation of Mr. Hoffman in that movie is too painful for words." Becky looked confused, but I confirmed what mom was saying.
Then Dr. McCaulay and Becky's mom Krystle came in the room. Dr. McCaulay said, "You must be Howard's parents. I'm Dr. Ted McCaulay and this is my fiancée Krystle McGuire, Becky's mom." My mother said, "Another set of engaged people in the house." Krystle said, "We are finally free and clear to marry. It's been a year since I was separated from Becky's dad." My mother said, "Do you have a date planned for the wedding?" Becky's mom said, "Well, it's been hard to get Ted to agree on a date." Dr. McCauley kind of stammered and said, "Well, I...it's been hard on us with Howard's trial coming up to...it just seemed inappropriate to announce anything...without knowing what's going to happen." Becky said, "You already fired Howard as your housekeeper starting after he gets put in prison. You've already done interviews for his replacement."
My dad said, "I forgot you're the housekeeper for this place. Since you're engaged to Becky, I guess it must have been one of those Sound of Music moments where the nanny marries the Captain." Krystle said, "No, Becky's engagement is for career purposes. Being engaged keeps the young gold-digging punks from trying to take advantage of her innocence and steal her career away from her." Dr. McCaulay said, "We're trying to keep the would-be Kevin Federlines away from her." My mom said, "Who?" I said, "White trash backup dancer who destroyed the career of Britney Spears and has aspirations of becoming a gangsta rapper." My mom said, "Who?" I said, "Like what Pat Boone's wife did to his singing career." My mom said, "Oh! I understand now. The days of the The Pat Boone Family and The Family Who Prays albums destroyed Pat. I still haven't forgiven Shirley Lee Foley for marrying Pat and doing that to him. But you're still having children with Becky aren't you?" Krystle and Ted said, "NO!!" Becky and I said, "YES!!"
My mother said, "I see. Well, Howard, are you still doing the fake marriage to your co-worker Marjee Mahaha?" I said, "No. Marjee has a new boyfriend named Warren Blackwood, and the fake marriage wasn't not working to improve public opinion about me." Krystle said, "But Becky still has her fake engagement." My dad said, "What?!! You were both fake-engaged?" I said, "Only Becky is now. She has a strong sense of competition, since my fake-engagement was to her half-sister." My mother said, "Dear Baby Jesus. Forgive these people for blaspheming your Holy and sacred marriage act." Becky said, "Baby Jesus?" My dad said, "She prefers the Christmas Jesus to the Easter Jesus."
Dr. McCaulay said, "There will be no praying in my house." My mother said, "Now, Dr. McCaulay, the wonderful thing about praying is .... You can do it anywhere." Dr. McCaulay said, "Not in my house." My mother said, "What are you going to do to stop me? Even if you tape my mouth shut, I can pray!" Dr. McCaulay said, "I'll throw you out, that's what." Krystle said, "Ted, darling. There's no reason to resort to violence. I'm sure she'll stop if you ask nicely." My mother said, "I will not." My dad said, "Here we go again." Dr. McCaulay said, "See! She won't stop. She's from out-of-town. She doesn't know, this is Milborough. There's no praying in Milborough." Becky said, "Yes there is." I said, "April Patterson wrote about praying in her Blog entry just today." Dr. McCaulay said, "April Patterson? A Patterson is praying?" He didn't believe me, so I showed him your Blog entry. Dr. McCaulay said, "Well, if a Patterson is praying, it must be all right. I thought they only prayed when they were on a Winnipeg prairie and got confused about the words. Please pray all you want, Mrs. Kelpfroth."
My mother said, "Oh we changed our last names to Bunt, as a show of support to Howard." I said, "You did?" Dad said, "Yes, son. If you are going to go to prison, we want to be in the courtroom with you with a last name which isn't confusing to the thousands of people viewing your trial across the land in their daily paper or with their computer on-line streaming. Your aunt Winnie and Uncle Melville wouldn't change their last names though." I said, "That's all right. I can't believe you would do that for me." My mother said, "Yes, Howard. It's the least we can do. Well not the least, but pretty close." I started to get a little teary.
Then Dr. McCaulay said, "I'm starving. What's for dinner?" I said, "I have some pâté froid here to last you until dinner is served." Becky came into the kitchen with me and said, "Wow! Howie. Your parents are different than I remember them." I said, "You get to see the best of people in a crisis, but don't worry about my mother's newfound religious fervor. After I am in prison, she will probably return to her old stuff. Some people adopt religion out of convenience when bad things happen or people get sick." Becky said, "Even if you're in prison, that's not going to change anything between us, Howie." I gave her a big hug and said, "Thanks, Becky. I know I can always count on you."
Then I typed this up while dinner was cooking. There's plenty here, in case you want to come over. Just don't mention "Rain Man", eh?
Howard Bunt
At 8:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, ger read abt yr offer re. the food, and he was all, "april flower, let us share in that repast, fo' shizzle, yo!" his mom was serving watercress w/a squirt of lemon juice again. we're on our way.
apes
At 8:43 PM,
howard said…
April,
Glad to have you. We have finished eating, but there is plenty left and Becky will be really happy to talk to you two instead of my parents. Just remember to tell Gerald not to mention Rain Man in front of my father.
Howard Bunt
At 1:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are so lucky you weren't here tonight, it was awful, seriously, it was the worst television watching marathon I have had with Mom since I got home and you know that's saying something because there have been a lot of them and she's usually doing something annoying, but tonight it was worse than ever.
Well I was already there watching the TV when Mom came in with two green mugs, hers was coffee but mine was my favorite, blue raspberry Kool-Aid, yum. You know I like Mom and I hope to be a lot like her, after all, you know we spent earlier today having a mother/daughter makeover where we went and bought the same brand of jeans and the same Matronwear sweater except in different colors and mine is a square neck, and then Mom showed me how to do a proper bun just like hers, I was so happy, Mom is my biggest role model.
But then it started to all go wrong, Mom told me I could borrow her pearl earrings, since she never wears them anymore, and I noticed right then that Mom probably should wear them, because she has been looking less feminine lately, ever since she gave up on wearing makeup, not that she ever wore very much, but I was looking in the mirror to put in the earrings and I saw Mom out of the corner of my eye and I almost jumped out of my skin, you could hardly see her eyes behind the glasses and her nose and chin were bigger than ever and I noticed she looked a lot like Dad with a bun.
Well I swore I was going to put it out of my mind and think good thoughts while I went to put on the Danielle Steel movie, like how Mom really is a woman and you can tell because she has a bun, and when she came in with the green mugs I was totally reassured to notice that she also has a very large round womanly butt, in fact it is so big it looks like two volleyballs stuffed in the back of her jeans, that's even better than J.Lo. But I was trying not to look at her face because every time I did, I just kept thinking to myself, manly manly manly manly manly, and I did not want to be thinking that, it isn't right, not about your own mother.
Anyway, Mom sat down on the couch and we started to watch the movie, and all of a sudden I was distracted from my thoughts about Mom, but not a good distraction, I suddenly felt like my cheeks and neck were all swelled up like I had the mumps or something. You know they hand out a flyer about mumps to us teachers, apparently it is kind of making a comeback, so I guess I am a little paranoid, but really, it was really weird, and I was about to yell, "Help, I think I have the mumps!" when suddenly I noticed that Mom was twiddling her finger on her chin, and that was weird, but at least it seemed to make the mumpy feeling go away.
Well I said to myself, "Don't look at Mom, look at the TV, look at the TV, don't look at Mom, if you look at Mom, you're going to think those bad thoughts again, you can't think thoughts like that, she's your Mom, not your Dad, she's your Mom, she looks just like you, she's a woman, not a man!" My eyes kind of glazed over and I felt like a zombie just staring at the TV like that but I had to, especially when Mom's chin started saying, "Twiddle twiddle twiddle," over and over again, it really freaked me out, so I kind of looked my eyes over at her without moving my head, and I felt my blood run cold, oh my God April, suddenly Mom looked just like Dad and Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim all at the same time, and her chin was very clearly saying, "Twiddle, twiddle, twiddle..." and ohmigosh, I was paralyzed with fear!
And not just in the way people say where they don't mean it, I really was paralyzed, it was awful, just like a zombie, I couldn't stop looking, my head kind of turned to the side to look at Mom but the rest of me stayed totally still, my eyes were wide open in fear, and I was staring at Mom who had never looked scarier! She looked possessed, it was so freaky, now she looked like Dad and Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim all at once, but like a ZOMBIE Dad and Grandma Marian and Grandpa Jim, and her chin was yelling "TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE!!" Mom was totally out of it, like a zombie, staring straight ahead as her thumb was messing with her chin, and I think she might of even been holding her breath, I was so scared, I think I was holding mine too.
Then I felt this thing rising up in my chest, I felt it go up and up and up from my stomach into my throat, I don't know what it was, maybe some kind of feeling or something, and then it just exploded out of me, I was so afraid and angry all at once, because when you look exactly like your Mom when she was your age you do not want to see her turn into a freaky man-woman with a gigantic talking chin!!
So I screamed, "MOTHER!!" it came out even before I realized it, and that seemed to break the spell, the twiddles kind of petered out and Mom kind of yelled, "WHAT?!" back, and she looked more like her old self again, in fact her chin almost totally disappeared, and I just flipped out.
I guess maybe I was so scared I got angry instead, and I yelled at her, "Would you just go to the bathroom and DEAL with that thing?!!!" So Mom stomped off to the bathroom and I ran and listened at the door because I wanted to hear how she was going to deal with her talking chin, but I heard her mumbling to herself and she was saying, "It's just a chin hair!" and then I was relieved, if it was just a chin hair that was talking, she can just pull it out, but then I suddenly had this all over body shiver of horror and disgust because Mom is growing a beard, that's how manly she is getting, and what if I end up like that someday?
I have to go now, when I yelled at Mom, one of my earrings flew off, and I have to go hunt in the couch cushions to find it before Mom finds out I lost it, besides, I want to give them back for her to wear, if I can get her to wear jewelry and makeup, it might help the problem.
Liz
Post a Comment
<< Home