April's Real Blog

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Back 2 MIke

Mike time. I got a little e-mail from Merrie! Here's what she wrote:
Auntie April. Attic Guy is silly! He use Mr. Plungy in the toilet and his face look so mad! Robin watch. Mr. Plungy say, KA FlOOMPA-GUSH KA FLOOMPA-GUSH. Then symbols over Attic Guy's head. Robin tell him Sowwy Daddy. Attic Guy ask Robin why he flush a Daddy sock down the potty. I tell Daddy. Robin want sock 2 find the other Daddy sock. Daddy make funny BIG eyes! Merrie.
Ha. I have a feeling I'll B writing Mike stuff the rest of this wk. That doesn't mean I'm dun being mad @ U Mike. If U want me 2 read yr posts, U hafta read every1 else's posts. U show me U R doing that, an' I'll read yr posts!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 posting abt Anthony's cross-xxamination. No wonder it took so long!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:17 AM  

10 Comments:

  • At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yo apes, i m so depressed. ur mom an' dad prolly haven't noticed me in the courtroom cuz i have been wearing a black suit an' a hat w/ black veils. both mary worth an' ella byrd advised me that is the proper way 2 dress when ur fiance is going 2 the big house.

    i hear ur sis is coming back 2 court 4 the verdict. that's good. if howie gets convicted, i'm gonna turn her in2 a bloody smear on the courtroom floor.

    i h8 that piece of shizz u call a sister!

    becks

     

  • At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. You sure are holding on to your petty little game of insisting I read everyone else’s posts to your Blog. Very well, this morning I read them all. All one of them. I was so nice to read about your little friend Becky making death threats against our sister. Why did you want me to read this vile material again? Honestly, there’s a reason why I only read what our family writes. The rest of it is violent and disturbing dreck. If it were my Blog, I would just delete the things anyone but our family (and Anthony Caine, future family) wrote.

    I had thought about writing you in advance to tell you my toilet adventure, but when I remembered you were still playing this “don’t read” game, I thought better of it. It turned out all for the best, because I am quite excited my daughter has learned how to e-mail you the events which occurred with the toilet. She is very advanced for her age, whatever that is. Let me think. I got married in 2001. I went on my honeymoon in 2002 and that’s when Deanna played her little game with the birth control, so she must be 4 years old now.

    In any case, my daughter did not tell the story with the full import of it, because she is too little to understand. I have, or I should say, I had, my favourite pair of writer’s socks. I have had them since university. They were the socks I was wearing the very first time I was with Josef Weeder and he gave me…um…inspiration to write a particular fine work of writing. The socks were special to me, and I had been wearing them regularly to inspire me to write the final parts of my book I have been writing on Sheilagh Shaunessy and her children, especially Charlie, for the last 24 ¾ months. I was pretty upset when I found my son had flushed one of them and I cursed a blue streak in my thought balloons that day. In fact I was so upset; I didn’t realize my son said his first words. You may remember he suffered a lot of ear infections which went on for months and months. The words “developmentally delayed” kept coming up, because he never spoke. But then as I was thinking curse words in my thought balloons, he said, “Sowwy, Daddy.” But I was so upset about my special sock, I didn’t realize it. Because he talked I briefly forgot he didn’t talk and I asked him why he flushed one of my socks down the toilet. But then it sunk in. My boy had spoken, and I could feel my face go funny and I had to sit down in a daze beside the toilet, while my daughter told me my other favourite sock was also in the toilet.

    It’s difficult to describe the moment for you, little sis. At one moment I am overcome with joy my boy can talk, and at the same moment I am traumatized by the loss of my lucky writer’s socks. Of course, when I told Deanna about the incident, her reaction was very different from mine. She said, “Thank goodness, you don’t have those nasty socks any more.” and “Mike, you idiot. Our son has been talking for a long time.” Of course I countered with, “Tell me at least one time when our son has spoken. Name the time.” Deanna said, “There was the time we went to the farmer’s market and he wanted cotton candy.” I said, “No. He just pointed then.” Then Deanna said, “He must have said something when he slammed his sister’s fingers in the door.” I said, “No. Not a word.” Then Deanna said, “How about when your mother called about your grandfather?” I said, “No. Just crying.” Deanna said, “When your sister Elizabeth visited and got drunk?” I said, “No. Mouth full of bottle.” Deanna said, “When our daughter threw a tantrum in the grocery store.” I said, “No. He raspberried our daughter. No words.” Deanna said, “How about when the air conditioner went out and our daughter tried to drown him in the kiddie pool?” I said, “Completely silent.” Deanna said, “When you fixed the porch of the apartment?” I said, “He wasn’t there.” Deanna said, “By the way, the porch needs to be fixed again.” I said, “Don’t remind me.” Deanna said, “When he had the earaches and your mom visited us in the apartment for the first time.” I said, “Not a peep, except for the constant crying and screaming.” Deanna said, “It really was his first words then?” I said, “Yes. Deanna. Our son can talk. He can say, ‘Sowwy, Daddy.’ I am so proud.” Then Deanna said, “I think I will buy you a new pair of lucky socks to commemorate the occasion, to make up for the ones he flushed.” That’s one of the things I love about Deanna. She knows just the thing to say to cheer me up. Plus she gets an employee discount at her pharmacy and they sell socks there.

    I suppose it is simply my Patterson misfortune to lose precious items due to my children’s talents with the toilet. First my daughter flushed Ned Tanner and now my son flushed my lucky pair of socks. Remember, little sis. For every heartache in life, there is a rainbow at the end. For me, the rainbow was learning my son could talk. I can't wait to hear him say, "Sowwy, Daddy" again.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i overhead a convo kinda like the 1 ur bro had w/his son. zapata henderson again. her bf, that guy eldritch, wuz yellin’ @her in the hall @skool. he wuz saying “y did u flush it down the toilet?” & zapata sed, “they were doin’ the random locker checks which they have been doin’ evah since the gym jam. they wud have found it.” then eldritch sed, “no they wudn’t. the only peep’s locker they search every day is that idiot who screwed up rebeccah’s sound.” then of course, they both looked @me & i tried 2b invisible. i am still gettin’ usedta b-ing out of in skool suspension. i am usedta peeps not likin’ me, but i am not usedta the h8 yet.

    by the way, i wuz glad 2c the rebeccah posting. i don’t think she is rilly gonna kill ur sis tho. she’s more a maim & scar kinda person.

     

  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings quoting your nindoozhimis (niece) writing about your nisayenh (brother) and the sock he lost due to your nindoozhim (nephew’s) miiziiwigamig (toilet) flushing abilities. As a constable in the Ontario Provincial Police, the miiziiwigamig (toilet) is both my friend and my enemy. Whenever we raid someone’s home looking for illegal contraband, frequently the criminals will use their miiziiwigamig (toilet) to dispose of the material quickly to avoid being arrested with the material in their possession. Sometimes the miiziiwigamig (toilets) will have the evidenciary support material unharmed and intact. But other times, what the miiziiwigamig (toilet) holds is what could have been evidence destroyed by the fecal matter from the criminal. Going through miiziiwigamig (toilet) material is very messy and unpleasant work, but I do prefer it to dumpster diving through the trash of a criminal to find evidence. My partner prefers the dumpster dive, and so she usually takes that detail, when it comes up. The positive side is miigwech (thanks) to my work as a constable, I can also do plumbing.

    When I talked to your sister, she seemed to still be upset from what we talked about yesterday. I think she said, “If you were here, you could get Mike’s miiziiwigamig (toilet) unclogged.” I told her that may be true, but I thought her brother could handle a clogged miiziiwigamig (toilet). Then your sister said, “That’s not the point. The point is you are not here for him, or for me.” So, I reminded your sister once again about how transfers in the OPP work with the designated work durations for each detachment in the Northwest part of Ontario, but I don’t think she was listening. She is not as patient about this as she used to be. It is hard to do a long distance relationship. I wish I could be with your sister, too, but at least I can e-mail and call her every day.

    I spoke to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) about my difficulties with your sister. Chipper said, “Everything in the South is rushing around. They are not patient like we are in the Northwest. I am not surprised the patient woman you knew in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) has turned into an ojaanimendamhe (impatient) girl in the South.” Then she said, “If you are good with plumbing, Suds (her nickname for me), I have some plumbing in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) that could use some work from a strong, Ojibway man.” I told Chipper if it was an emergency, she should get the local plumber to help her. Chipper said, “It’s not an emergency. I can be patient and wait for you to come to me.” That’s one of the things I love about Chipper. When I go to visit her, she always has something for me to do.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    jer--i mean, zer--u have given me a gr8 idea! i m gonna scar elizaho's face real, real bad. i won't get as much jail time as 4 a killing an' also, she'll have 2 live a long life as a spinster cuz no1 will evah marry her when she's all scarred up. i think i mite rip those gr8 big lips off 2. duzn't she know those r reserved 4 gorgeous blondies?

    becks

     

  • At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I can't believe you let your friends write horrible things on this site, I have never heard anyone say anything so terrible as that awful Becky McGuire girl did when she said she would make it so I could never get married, that is a fate worse than death, you have to help me get her into a short-drop hanging before she can carry out her dastardly plan, Mom says that the Milborough City Council passed the resolution 5-0 to bring back short-drop hangings for crimes against Pattersons, except I don't think they have passed thought crimes yet, so maybe you can help me trick Becky into doing something against a Patterson that is not too bad, like maybe she could stab Mike a little or something, after all he is already ugly and also married, so it wouldn't be so bad for him if he got scarred up.

    Becky, you should take an extra close look at the bad things Mike said about you in his post today, also he told me one time that you are ugly and can't sing, I tried to defend you but he just kept going on and on about it, if you want to hurt a Patterson you should definitely go after him, or how about Mom, remember it is Mom who makes April have to pretend not to like you, or my Dad, who says you will never have friends or a good part of life if you are a musician, or how about even April who totally made fun of you for being melodramatic to Eva before she comforted you, that's two-faced, doesn't that make you really mad?

    Liz

     

  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    w8, liz, u want me 2 help u against becky, and then u want 2 get becky 2 hurt me so she'll get in trub, and u tell her i was being 2-faced, eh? and a coupla dayz ago u threatened 2 beat me up. yeah, i'm so wanting 2 help u now. ::rolleyez::

    becks, i can't blame u 1 bit 4 wanting 2 hurt liz. but that we b a v. bad idea, considering how this town is abt "crimes against pattersons". look @ how much trub howard's in just 4 stretching lizzie's t-shirt out, and this was b4 that resolution liz just wrote abt. imagine how quick u'd b dead if u maimed liz! no, if u want 2 get back @ liz, u hafta think of thingz that won't get u executed!

    mike, u r still on probation! u just happed 2 come along when there was only 1 post 2 read, and a short 1 @ that. u'll hafta show u're continuing 2 read all the posts if u want me 2 keep reading yrs.

    after school 2day, i stopped by dee's pharma, and she told me sumthing u mite not know. she told me that l8r on, merrie told her that the real reason robin flushed thoze sox was cuz he thot it was the only way 2 get "attic guy" outta the attic.

    me, i think it's kinda sad that the first thing robin sed, ever, was "sowwy daddy."

    oh, and if i deleted all the posts fr ppl who r not family or anthony, this blog wd b a v. v. boring place.

    paul, i wdn't wanna have 2 do either job, toilets or dumpsters. ew!

    zeremy, after eldritch flushed whatevs he flushed, shannon ran in2 the girls' room an' flushed a buncha candy. she was like, "i'm not... supposta have ... candy ... i just know ... the principal ... wd find my stash ... an' tell ... my mom."

    apes

     

  • At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Learned friends,

    I have been retained by Mr. Benis, on behalf of Mr. Howard Bunt, to appeal Mr. Bunt's inevitable conviction, and challenge the new "law" passed by the Milborough City Council, purporting to reinstate the death penalty for so-called "crimes against Pattersons." Naturally, such a reinstatement would violate many sections of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, including sections 7, 12, and 15, among others. I am proud to be a part of such a fine team of legal minds, and to work on such a worthy case as Mr. Bunt's. I am sure that this unjust law will soon be overturned.

    Never fear, Mr. Bucked Inthebass, Q.C. is here! (That's the motto on my business cards.)

     

  • At 8:19 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Mr. Bucked Inthebass, Q.C. has been brought onboard my legal staff to appeal what is sure to be a conviction in my case. I hope he can help out, but he makes me a little nervous because he is severely bow-legged, and when he sits down, he sits like he has a severe case of hemorrhoids.

    Since you are in school, I thought I would let you know how the trial has been going. The Crown finished their series of witnesses, and it was the Defence’s turn.

    The Defence counsel, my lawyer, Mr. Benis made his opening statement:

    “May it please the court. I would like to thank you for your time and attention. During this hearing, you will see that on August 11th, 2005, the accused, Mr. Howard Bunt, did not willingly and intentionally sexually assault Miss Elizabeth Patterson at the front desk of Lakeshore Landscaping before being rescued by Mr. Anthony Caine. Instead the evidence will show that the accused is the victim of the machinations of Miss Elizabeth Patterson and Mr. Anthony Caine as they pursue each other romantically. The evidence will show that Miss Elizabeth Patterson has a long history of setting up violent or potentially violent situations with her boyfriends, frequently involving Mr. Caine, and the accused is just the latest person to be used in her unusual courtship rituals. At the conclusion of this hearing, I will ask you to impose a disposition that will free Mr. Howard Bunt and send a strong message to Miss Patterson and Mr. Caine that they should get married as quickly as possible and quit hurting people on their way to the altar. Thank you.”

    I must admit I was completely stunned by the opening and I think the other people in the courtroom were too. There were some who were cheering the idea of Anthony and your sister marrying, but others were booing the idea that I should be set free. It took a long time for Judge Patterlover to call the court to order. He seemed to be conflicted also.

    Then the Defence counsel, my lawyer, Mr. Benis called his first witness, my old boyfriend from Lakeshore Landscaping, Ross. This made me very nervous, but at least he is a defence witness. This how I remember the testimony:

    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Mr. Ross. Would describe to the court in your own words the events leading up to the assault of Miss Elizabeth Patterson on August 11th, 2005?
    Ross: It all started back in July, 2005. Lawrence called all the men aside for a meeting.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: You are talking about Lawrence Poirier, co-owner and operator of Lakeshore Landscaping?
    Ross: Yes.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Please continue.
    Ross: Lawrence told us Elizabeth Patterson would be working with us again like the summer before and we should be sure to take a lesson from Dennis North, about what happens if you get too close to her.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: A lesson from Dennis North? Can you elaborate?
    Ross: Dennis North is a friend of Lawrence and Nick’s. He’s gay, but a good dancer, and so they he would be safe to be around Elizabeth Patterson to teach her how to dance to show off at some ex-boyfriend’s wedding she was going to. The only problem was that, even though Dennis was gay, he still fell for Elizabeth Patterson, and it messed him up. This was back in 2003, so ever since then, when Elizabeth would work summers for Lawrence and Nick, they would give the same warning before she got there: “Don’t get too close to Elizabeth Patterson, or you will find out exactly how gay you are.”
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: “How gay you are”? Can you elaborate?
    Ross:Oh, sorry. I guess I need to explain that. Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Brown, who own Lakeshore Landscaping are gay, and they employ only men, gay men. Most landscaping places have some woman on staff, but not Lawrence and Nick. Only men. The one exception was Elizabeth Patterson. Her parents gave Lawrence and Nick investment money to start their business, and so their mom asked Lawrence to take Elizabeth on over the summers, so she wouldn’t be in any danger of picking up a boyfriend, working with gay guys.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: If I understand you correctly, Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Brown told the employees of Lakeshore Landscaping to keep their distance from Elizabeth Patterson, so they would avoid falling in love with her?
    Ross: That’s correct. Don’t want end up like Dennis North, poor guy.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did Lawrence Poirier or Nicholas Brown say why you would fall in love with Elizabeth Patterson?
    Ross: Something about some kind of allure. I didn’t understand it. Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did the accused follow their advice?
    Ross: I think he wanted to. But he had a problem with Elizabeth at work. Lawrence had her driving trucks, hauling sand, loading bricks, operating the forklift. Howard made the mistake once of asking her, since she was a summer employee, if she had her Class 3 truck driver license or Heavy Equipment License of Qualifications in good standing, since she was a school teacher for most of the year. She didn’t, but Lawrence and Nick didn’t care. So, whenever she started using heavy equipment, he would go over and try to help her. It started to affect him.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: “Started to affect him”? In what way?
    Ross: He tried asking her out for a date, which was a definite no-no from Lawrence and Nick. Everyone knew Elizabeth was off-limits.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Did Elizabeth report him to her bosses?
    Ross: I don’t know for myself. I was told her mother said she did in her monthly letter, but I never read those things when Lawrence posts them up at work. All I know is Lawrence and Nick had a long talk with Howard and after that, when he mentioned Elizabeth, he also mentioned her grandfather.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: What happened the day of the attack?
    Ross: It was a day like any other day. Lawrence and Nick said they were going to be gone for a meeting in town, and Elizabeth was going to handle the front desk when they were gone. We were running the loader, and then Howard started to walked off. When I asked him where he was going, he said, “I need to do something for Elizabeth. Go on without me.” Well, he was gone for a couple of minutes and then we saw Howard run out to the parking lot, jump in his car, and he took off like a shot.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Then what happened?
    Ross: Well, Nelson and I came into the front desk to what was going on, because Howard had told us was doing something with Elizabeth, and we knew that’s where she was.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: And what did you see?
    Ross: We saw Elizabeth hugging on this old guy with a moustache. At first I thought it was Elizabeth’s grandfather, since Howard had talked about him so much. But when we got closer, I realized they weren’t hugging like relatives hug. There was a little too much pelvic touching, if you know what I mean. Then I thought, “Oh crap. Howard ran out because he was upset he found out Elizabeth had a boyfriend. He’s fallen for her, just like Dennis North.” But that wasn’t it at all.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: What was it?
    Ross: Elizabeth said Howard “came after her”, and then she said her friend Anthony showed up. Then I said, “An’ you punched him out?” And the guy said, “I guess.” It was weird, because the guy so spindly and thin, I couldn’t imagine him punching Howard out and I guess he didn’t, since he didn’t say, “Yes, I punched him out.” So I said, “Whoa! That was lucky!” Because he was lucky Howard didn’t flatten him. Howard’s a big guy and this guy was like a scarecrow. Then Nelson said, “Yeah, you’re lucky alright! I’ve been wanting to punch Howard out for ages.”
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: And why did he say that?
    Ross: Nelson has been mad at Howard, ever since Howard beat him out for the role of Mabel in the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera performance of The Pirates of Penzance. Nelson had to be one of the other daughters in the women’s chorus. He wouldn’t ever punch Howard though. Howard would flatten him.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Then, what happened?
    Ross: Well. Elizabeth seemed OK and because the guy ended up being her friend Anthony, I said to Elizabeth, we would tell Lawrence what happened and she should take the rest of the day off.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Why would you say that? She had just survived an attempted rape.
    Ross: Well, Lawrence and Nick had always said to us on the staff, if this guy Anthony showed up, we were supposed to keep away from Elizabeth and let her have a conversation with him uninterrupted. So, he was there, and he had his hands all over her, so it seemed like the thing to do, to give them an opportunity to be alone. I never thought it was an attempted rape. She just said Howard “came after her” --whatever that means. I don’t have a lot of experience with these kinds of things. That’s why I’m not a boss.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: When your boss returned, did he agree?
    Ross: Well, no. He told us we should have sent her to the hospital. But he also told us Howard was fired. Then he called Elizabeth at home and said she had to file charges with the police.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Thank you. Your witness.
    {The Crown counsel got up, but then Judge Patterlover waived him back down.}
    Judge Patterlover: You didn’t see the actual attack, did you?
    Ross: No. We got there after it was over.
    Judge Patterlover: For all you know, Howard could have tried to rape, murder, mutilate and burn Elizabeth Patterson alive, {A gasp from the public.}
    and you wouldn’t know. Is that correct?
    Ross: Yes.
    Judge Patterlover: No further questions.
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: When you saw Elizabeth Patterson after the attack, were there any signs an attack had taken place?
    Ross: Signs?
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Cuts? Torn clothing? Messed up work area?
    Ross: No. She looked fine. No cuts, or scratches, or torn clothes. Wait! I remember now. Her hair was down and not in a bun. That was different. {A gasp from the public.}
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Nothing else?
    Ross: We found a roll of cash register paper on the floor. {A gasp from the public.}
    Mr. Benis, Defence Counsel: Thank you.
    Judge Patterlover: You may step down.

    And that was the testimony for the day. I will let you know what happened with the next witness later.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 filling us in on ross's testimony, howard.

    apes

     

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