Liz testifying in thot bubbles

Howard was nice enuf 2 post sumthing abt what happened most recently in the trial:

April,

The trial started back today and believe it or not, your sister finally testified. My lawyer, Mr. Benis had me wear an ugly, ugly, ugly gray suit, but I least I got to pick out a brightly-coloured peach tie, which clashed a little with my hair colour, but I had to make a fashion statement somehow. Well, my underwear was nicely coloured too, but we won’t go into that.

Then some odd things happened. I said, “Where’s the court clerk and court reporter that usually sit in front of the judge?” Mr. Benis said, “The judge decided he didn’t want today’s testimony to be recorded, because Elizabeth Patterson might say something to embarrass herself.” I said, “Well, you can almost count on that.” Mr. Benis said, “I know, Mr. Bunt. I know.”

Then I didn’t have to sit in the prisoners box, like I had been before. This was because Judge Patterlover, for some reason took completely over from the Crown attorney and asked your sister to identify me in court and I had to sit beside my lawyer Mr. Benis. I said to my lawyer, Mr. Benis, “Isn’t having me sit here beside you illegal?” Mr Benis told me that since I was not a criminal in custody, I could sit beside him if I wanted. I said, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” My lawyer said, “People don’t like to see a Bunt and Benis together in public.”

Judge Patterlover said, “Miss Patterson, is the man accused of assaulting you in this courtroom?” My thought was, “Well, duh! Does he expect her not to identify me when I am sitting right beside the Defence Counsel?” But your sister stood up and dutifully said, “Yes, your honor.” I said to Mr. Benis, “It’s ‘Yes, your lord.’ She messed up. Do I get points?” Mr. Benis said, “No Howard.” Then Judge Patterlover said, “Please identify him.” Then your sister leaned over and nodded in my direction. I said to my lawyer, “Does leaning and nodding count?” Mr. Benis said, “Well, duh! You’re sitting right beside the Defence Counsel.”

Then I noticed Judge Patterlover was wearing sunglasses. I said to Mr. Benis, “Why is he wearing the shades?” Mr. Benis said to me, “Because he is trying to look cool in front of Elizabeth Patterson.” I could kind of understand that. Elizabeth was rocking the big lips and looked a lot more like your sister-in-law Deanna in a wig, than your sister. Judge Patterlover said, “In your own words, tell the court exactly what occurred between you and the accused on August 11th, 2005.” I said to Mr. Benis, “Why isn’t the Crown Attorney doing this?” Mr. Benis said, “Judge Patterlover wants to be the only person to talk directly to Elizabeth Patterson. She’s so important; he doesn’t want the Crown Attorney to mess it up.” I said, “What? That’s not fair. This is ridiculous.” Mr. Benis said, “Howard, you knew you weren’t going to get fair and impartial in this trial, so I don’t know why you are complaining.”

Then your sister just sat there and said nothing. I said, “Why is she just sitting there?” Mr. Benis said, “It’s a witness-aid. Sometimes in the case of sexual assault offences, an underage witness is protected by having their testimony done over closed circuit television. In the case of Elizabeth Patterson, the court is allowing her underage brain to testify via pictorial thought balloons.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding.” Mr. Benis said, “Wait and see.” Sure enough, a thought balloon popped up and there was me leaning in toward Elizabeth last August, and making her drop the cash register tape. I thought to myself, “Look how out of shape I was back then. It’s no wonder Elizabeth rejected me. I am so glad I worked out over the last year.”

Then your sister had a thought balloon pop up which said, “I want to be accurate. I want to be fair. I don’t want to sound as though I hate you, Howard…but…I do.” Mr. Benis said, “Well, she just admitted she has or is going to commit perjury. Plus she thinks with ellipses. She is a class A loon. I just wish the court reporter was here to record that thought balloon as evidence.” I think I would have thought the same thing too, but I was too bothered by the fact your sister hates me.

In fact, I am so traumatized by that fact, I can’t go on. I will have to finish writing this to you at some later time.

Howard Bunt

That trial does sound v. irregular, Howard. Not @ all what we learn in civics class @ school!

Apes