Shiimsa makes a break 4 it
Liz was sitting @ her desk when I went in2 her room and saw that Shiimsa was in the cat carrier, which was on the bed. I was all, "Y is Shiimsa in her cage?" And Liz was, like, "B-cuz...She steps on my keybd while I'm working." Gah, Liz will never B a real cat person, will she? I felt bad 4 the poor lil meow-meow, so I took her outta the carrier and asked, "Can I take her downstairz?" Liz sed, "OK, but keep her off the kitchen counter, or Mom will throw a fit!"
So I went downstairs with Shiimsa, and as soon as we got 2 the kitchen, she leapt outta my arms, and sumhow bounced like a bunny, across the room 2 the counter in 2 giant bounces after landing on the floor. I felt as tho I had three exclamation pts over my hed when that happed. Then, Shiims climbed the curtain of the window that's over the sink, and I felt FIVE exclamation pts over my hed. From the curtain, she got up on2 the top of a cabinet, and she was up there watching when Mom arrived. Since I was behind Mom, it was kinda hard 2 read her thot bubble (it was like, reversed). But I think I saw her thinking, "Strange...Ever since I came in2 the kitchen, I've had the feeling that I'm being 'watched'."
In other news, my hair curse is back, only it's been throwing my hair in2 the hi ponytail insteada the prop bun. I'm bummed, I was enjoying the long flowy hair. :(
Apes
Edit: Yuck, have U noticed that Mom's totally gotten Steph, the web designer who helps her, 2 pimp the fake blog? Y do they want random ppl 2 send in random fotos?!?!?! I still don't get it!
So I went downstairs with Shiimsa, and as soon as we got 2 the kitchen, she leapt outta my arms, and sumhow bounced like a bunny, across the room 2 the counter in 2 giant bounces after landing on the floor. I felt as tho I had three exclamation pts over my hed when that happed. Then, Shiims climbed the curtain of the window that's over the sink, and I felt FIVE exclamation pts over my hed. From the curtain, she got up on2 the top of a cabinet, and she was up there watching when Mom arrived. Since I was behind Mom, it was kinda hard 2 read her thot bubble (it was like, reversed). But I think I saw her thinking, "Strange...Ever since I came in2 the kitchen, I've had the feeling that I'm being 'watched'."
In other news, my hair curse is back, only it's been throwing my hair in2 the hi ponytail insteada the prop bun. I'm bummed, I was enjoying the long flowy hair. :(
Apes
Edit: Yuck, have U noticed that Mom's totally gotten Steph, the web designer who helps her, 2 pimp the fake blog? Y do they want random ppl 2 send in random fotos?!?!?! I still don't get it!
posted by April Patterson @ 6:18 AM
12 Comments:
At 8:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, my hair curse is back, too. I think I looked pretty outrageously hott w/that fro I had at the Gym Jam, but now I'm back to the ponytails. I'm sad.
Eva
At 8:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, April, I don't know if the hair curse is genetic or not, but if it is, I think you must have it from both your Patterson side and your Richards side, making it extra strong. I get the hair curse, too, as you might have noticed from this past summer. The curse lets me wear my hair in a ponytail, bun, or long braid down my back. But no long, flowy hair, except for a few very special occasions. It's too bad--I think there are some loose styles that would minimize the size of my jaw, but not a chance, eh?
Laura
At 10:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about Shiimsa getting away from you and getting on top of a cabinet where your ngashi (mother) couldn’t see her. It reminded me of when I used to visit your sister when she lived in the teacherage in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). The first time I met Shiimsa, like your ngashi (mother), I had a feeling I was being “watched”. I thought it was "watched" meaning something was looking at me, but really I was being “watched” meaning giiwosehe (hunted). I remember very well the sound of Shiimsa jumping off the cabinet to land on me with claws digging, and scratching, and biting, and piercing. I didn’t know what it was. I do remember finally getting Shiimsa off me, and your sister telling me not to throw a fit, because Shiimsa was just saying hello in her own special way. From that day on, I learned to bring a fresh fish whenever I visited your sister. When I came into the teacherage, I would always inch the fresh fish in first, and hope Shiimsa would go for the fish and not my jugular. It usually worked. I don’t know why my sweet girl didn’t put Shiimsa in her cat cage in those days, but I think it was because most people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) would consider caging an animal to be cruel. I may not have told you, but in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), most pets walk freely in the streets, particularly the dogs. I hope Shiimsa did not jump on your ngashi (mother) and scratch her like she did me.
I mentioned your story about Shiimsa to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper). She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), I know all about Shiimsa’s climbing abilities. I have found bits of Shiimsa on every cabinet, in the hanging light fixtures, on the roof, on top of the Moose tapestry…everywhere a cat could climb.” Shiimsa is a good climber. When Chipper says “bits of Shiimsa” she means hair and moowan (excrement). I have had experiences with those bits of Shiimsa too. They are not easy to get out of clothes or your head hair.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Your blog entry today brought back memories. I remember when I was young and living at Sharon Park Drive with mom and Farley. Mom used to like to play the game of “I’ve had the feeling that I’m being ‘watched’” with me and Farley. I would sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and hide in the kitchen or the living room, and mom would get a bag of some frozen vegetable, and then when she saw either Farley or me, she would hurl the frozen vegetables at us. She said it was because I was out of bed and I deserved it, but I think it was really because she wanted to keep her arm in shape for throwing things accurately at dad. Farley didn’t like the game very much, and if mom decided to play the same game with Shiimsa, I doubt she will either. I was a lot faster than Farley, so mom didn’t get me too often, unless I wasn’t paying attention. Although, I remember one time when I wasn’t paying attention and a bag of frozen broccoli spears knocked me unconsious. Mom switched to frozen peas after that. They were softer.
As for your hair, I know you call it a curse, but wearing your hair down is just not right for a Patterson woman unless it is in a bowl cut, like my wife Deanna has. If you want to wear your hair down, you should cut it into a bowl cut. I know there are some people who would love to see you wearing a bowl hair cut again and mourn the loss of it. As for cousin Laura, it would be a travesty, if she put her hair in any kind of fashion which took away from her manly jaw, which is by far, her best feature.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:39 AM,
howard said…
April,
Today in court, the Crown attorney started off with a witness trying to demonstrate how I could have thought I would be able to sexually assault your sister in the daytime in a workplace open to the public like Lakeshore Landscaping is. He had a scale model of the front office and showed how I would be able to jump from your sister, touching the ground lightly 2 times, then jump on the front desk, climb the sides of the walls and hide on an upper cabinet near the ceiling. My lawyer Mr. Benis, pointed out in his questioning of the witness, that I was a human being and not a domesticated cat, who had been caged for too long. But then the Crown attorney rebutted with questions showing that I was in fact, just like a domesticated cat, who had been caged for too long, and felt the need to release myself with your sister.
Then they called in Rhetta Blum, whom you may remember was your brother’s girlfriend in high school and university, and with whom I had a brief relationship. I was nervous about what she might say.
Crown Counsel: Miss Blum. Can you tell us when you first met the accused?
Rhetta Blum: I first became aware of Howard after he assaulted Elizabeth Patterson. He became persona non grata with the Milborough gay community thanks to his bosses Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne turning against him, and no longer had their protection. And as every single girl in Milborough knows, if you want a guy who doesn’t look 2 or 3 times their actual age, you have to try to convert a gay guy. The straight guys get too old too fast.
Crown Counsel: Convert a gay guy? How do you do that?
Rhetta Blum: Saliva deposit in a certain part of the body.
Crown Counsel: And what part is that?
Rhetta Blum: It’s easier to demonstrate than to say it. May I?
Crown Counsel: Certainly.
Me: Wait a minute. She doesn’t mean with me, does she?
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: My Lord. Is this necessary?
Judge Patterlover: I’ll allow it {Then Rhetta Blum walked over to me in the prisoners box, and stuck her tongue in a place on my body where a tongue should not be placed.}
Crown Counsel: Did that work?
Rhetta Blum: Not completely.
Crown Counsel: Did the accused sexually assault you?
Rhetta Blum: With the help of a few drugs, yes.
Crown Counsel: So, the accused assaulted you while he was under the influence of drugs?
Rhetta Blum: Yes. I wish I had known about them earlier in my life. Certain drugs make a man easier to influence. If I had them when I was in university, I might have been able to keep Mike as my boyfriend.
Judge Patterlover: !!! You! You’re the women who gave up Michael Patterson!
Rhetta Blum: Gave up? No. I just dated other men.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!! Bailiff! Put this woman in jail! She turned down a Patterson!
Crown Counsel: My Lord. I don’t think turning down a Patterson is a jailable offence, and I need this witness to help make the case for putting away a man who sexually assaulted a Patterson.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!! All right, Counsel. I will wait until after her testimony to put her in jail.
Crown Counsel: Your Lordship is most generous. Miss Blum. You had just said the accused sexual assaulted you under the influence of drugs. How did this happen?
Rhetta Blum: I put the drugs in his food and fortunately Howard’s body is pretty responsive even when he is drugged.
Crown Counsel: So, the accused is such an animal with innocent women, he was able to attack you even after you had laced his food with drugs to defend yourself against him?
Rhetta Blum: Hum? He could still perform, if that’s what you mean. A single girl in Milborough has to take extreme measures to get a guy. Not everyone is blessed with Patterson allure, eh?
Crown Counsel: You’re saying that a Patterson, like Elizabeth Patterson, would not need drugs to get the accused to assault her?
Rhetta Blum: That’s for sure. A Patterson woman will never be dumped. Cheated on, but not dumped. If I were a Patterson woman, Mike would never have dumped me in university, no matter how many guys I went out with. Cheeze. If I were a Patterson woman, I could move all around the Province and every where I went I would leave some guy who still wanted me, no matter where I lived, no matter what I did, no matter what I said. I would still be with Mike, if I were a Patterson woman. Of course, if I were a Patterson woman, it would be incest.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!!!! You had your chance with Mike and you blew it, you stupid tart! Bailiff! Jail that woman!
Crown Counsel: My Lord!
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, all right. I’ll wait.
Crown Counsel: Miss Blum. Based on your relationship with the accused, is he the kind of man that would sexually assault Elizabeth Patterson?
Rhetta Blum: Yes. All the men like Elizabeth, even the gay ones, like her old gay dance partner, Dennis North, who fell in love with her. Howard is definitely the kind of guy who would sexually assault Elizabeth.
Crown Counsel: Thank you. My learned friend, your witness.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!!!!!!!! No. I’ve waited long enough. Bailiff! Jail this woman.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: My Lord. I have not had a chance to cross-examine the witness.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More delays. It’s no wonder this trial is taking so long. Oh, all right. I’ll wait some more.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Miss Blum. Based on your experiences with Pattersons, would the accused have been able to stop himself from sexually assaulting Elizabeth Patterson?
Rhetta Blum: Elizabeth is never in any danger of being assaulted. The Patterson allure doesn’t work like that. It makes you want, but not ever get the Patterson.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Can you explain that?
Rhetta Blum: With Michael, I always wanted him. No matter how spineless or effeminate or self-centered he was, I always wanted him. Even when I was at university with guys who were 10 times better than Michael, I still wanted Michael. So, I had to call him to try to keep our relationship going and he said he would. But of course, Deanna Sobinski was at his university and his Patterson allure influenced her to break her engagement with a man her parents loved, who had money, looks, and no discernible defects, except he wasn’t a Patterson. Mike is like Elizabeth and just like Elizabeth is only interested in guys who live close to her, Mike was interested in the girl who lived closest to him, so I had no chance.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Impugning the reputation of a Patterson! Bailiff! Jail this woman.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: My Lord. I have not finished cross-examining the witness.
Judge Patterlover:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s too bad counsel. {The bailiff took Rhetta Blum away.}
And that was how the trial went. Maybe we will get to yours sister’s testimony next, but I doubt it. I am beginning to wonder if your sister will ever testify in my trial.
Howard Bunt
At 11:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i gotta say just cuz u can’t handle animals, like the horses pushes u around @the farm in winnipeg & the story u told ‘bout ur sis’ cat jumping away from u, the 1st chance it got, u still try 2 do the rite thing 4 the animal. u don’t let ur sis keep her cat locked up in a cage. u let her loose, evn tho her fur makes u sneeze. thass 1 of the things i like best ‘bout u, is u alwayz try 2 do the rite thing, evn if it gets all messed up. thass not v. goth iz it? lemme try again. i am v.v. depressed u always do the rite thing, & ur stuck in a house w/ur sis who likes 2 cage animalz & who likes a guy who likes 2 cage hiz daughter & u hafta deal w/a mom who throwz such a scary fit, ur afraid 2 tell her there’s a cat on the top of a cabinet. that soundz more goth, i think.
At 12:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, darlings--
Yesterday I promised you all to continue the Saga of Liz. We left off just before Liz met Eric.
The "party line" on their relationship is that Eric saw Liz, he "just had to have her." That sounds awfully flattering when you don't know the truth about Eric Chamberlain. And that truth is that Eric, despite being quite handsome, has a thing for homely girls. The first time Eric saw Liz, she was wearing her glasses, had her hair up in one of her hideous buns, and was wearing pants that emphasized the "freshman 15" she had packed on, all of it in her ass. That plus the Patterson allure created lust at first sight.
Liz, as you know, is an idiot. She thought, "Here's my husband!" and proceeded to date him. But Eric's version of dating is wildly different from Liz's. Eric wanted nothing exclusive, just to get laid and have some laughs. Liz wanted a chaste and devoted relationship that would quickly lead to an engagement, and marriage immediately after uni ended--waiting only to make the obligatory Patterson show of wanting to be a modern, independent, self-sufficient woman.
I thought a roll in the hay with Eric would be fun, but he was clearly a total jerk, and I have my self-respect. But Liz...well, I couldn't stop her. Eric basically told her that if she wanted a commitment from him, he was going to have to get some sex from her. To my shock and horror, she caved! I know you were all thinking I was the one who moved her into Eric's apartment and Eric's bed. Nope! That twit would do anything to win herself a husband, and she was convinced that getting to have sex with a Patterson was something that could not fail to make him put a ring on her finger.
This was a tragic mistake. Elly neglected to tell Liz that the Patterson allure--which is really more of a Patterson/Richards allure--is CANCELLED once you actually have sex with the Patterson! This is why John has only weak affection for Elly and a bit of a wandering eye...why Dee is totally fed up with Mike...why Howard is no longer in love/lust with Fiona Brass...and why Eric promptly started screwing around after Liz moved in with him. Elly didn't think she had to tell Liz about this problem because she was sure that a daughter of hers would never have premarital sex.
An awful thing happened right around the time Liz moved in with Eric. Her stupidity reached such enormous heights that I was only rarely able to be in control. I was mostly forced to sit in a back corner of Liz's brain and quietly fume. The only thing I could do to help was to have Liz insist on having her own bedroom in the apartment. God help me, I wanted to save our dignity as much as possible! I was sorry Rudy had to get kicked out, but I was fighting for the survival of my own self-respect.
Liz tried to make an effort to look lovely while she was with Eric. She almost never wore her glasses when he was around, and she always wore her hair down. This was the nail in the coffin. Liz looked pretty, and Eric is turned on by homely girls! He quickly found himself Tina--with frizzy hair, a big nose, and comically large lips. It was just a matter of time after that.
More juicy revelations later!
XOXO, Vivienne Paris
At 1:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your Mom wants Shiimsa to stay off the countertops? I'd be happy if I could keep Bucky off my plate. Especially after he's just come from the litterbox.
Good for you, getting poor Shiimsa out of the cat carrier. As bad as Bucky is, I wouldn't put him in a cat carrier. Even if it was possible to get him in there without needing a blood transfusion.
Rob
At 2:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Rob and April,
Garfield practically lives on the countertops in my house. Once he gets up there, I think he is afraid to come down, because he might not be able to move his massive body up there again. Of course, for a plate of lasagna, he can move almost anything.
Garfield never travels in a cat carrier, because, well, they don’t make them in his size goshdarnit. The last time I tried to put him in one, I ended up sleeping overnight in it, until my girlfriend and Garfield's veterinarian Dr. Liz Wilson, let me out. When I think about it, it was pretty stupid for me to get in the cat carrier to show Garfield how comfortable it was, although Garfield didn't have to lock me in.
Yes, Rob. You read that right. I have a girlfriend now. I told you I would get one before you did. We go on dates and she kisses me and everything. And the best part is, Garfield actually approves of the relationship. At least he does in public. I think privately he feels pressured because in his last movie, I proposed to Liz and she accepted. In real life, we’re just dating, but maybe someday we will get married. After all, if Cathy can get married, anyone can.
April, if Garfield ever climbed curtains or went on top of a kitchen cabinet in my house, I don’t know if the curtains or the cabinet could take the weight. I know my heart might not take the shock, if I saw him do it. The neighborhood kitten, Nermal, or my dog Odie, could do it, but not Garfield.
Best of luck with your sister’s cat,
Jonathon Q. Arbuckle
At 5:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Greetings to my many fans,
Eric's cheating was no secret. Everyone told Liz about it. Candace, Rudy, Anita, Keith, Josh, Dean, Jason, Eric's mom, the super of their apartment building, the cashier at Tim Horton's, the bum who hangs out in the student union, everyone! She was such an idiot. She kept saying to people, "Oh, Eric wouldn't do that," and "But I love Eric!"
Finally, one day, Candace asked her why she loved Eric. And Liz said, "Because...he's The One!" And Candace asked her, "Why is he 'The One'?" And Liz said, "Because...I let him to sex stuff with me! He supposed to marry me! I'm almost 21! If I break up with Eric now, there's no time to find another husband before grad!"
I seriously thought that if I could just get control of our body again, I'd stab Eric, just to put an end to Liz's whining. I'd have loved to stab Liz, but that wouldn't have worked out to well for me in the end, you know?
Finally, one day, Liz couldn't ignore it anymore, because a whole hockey team of guys told her the who, what, when, where, and why of Eric's relationship with Tina. She went over to Tina's apartment to try to take Eric home, but when he said he was in love with both of them, and intended to keep seeing them both, Liz knew Eric would never, ever marry her. So she finally dumped him.
More later, loveys!
XOXO, Vivienne Paris
At 6:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx, zeremy, i do try 2 do the rite thing, tho it's not alwayz e-z in my house.
oh, hey, guess what? liz came up 2 me this evening, all, "april, did u know that i believe humans don't own cats, but r owned by them? well, it's true. i wrote it in my diary. i, um, don't remember writing it, but it's rite there in my diary, in my v. own handwriting, so clearly i wrote it, and clearly that's what i believe."
interesting, eh?
howard, thanx 4 the upd8 from the trial. that judge has issues!
vivienne, i am so totally bummed abt what u sed w/the patterson allure going away once that patterson goez all the way w/sum1. that's so awful. ger and i, we have this little appt when i turn 16, y'know? but if our little appt makes him stop being all in2 me, that wd b a disaster! do we know y this happs? sum1 told me that it mite b that pattersons rn't v. good @ u-know-what. if i read boox and stuff 2 learn how 2 b good @ it, i wonder if that wd help me keep the allure? man, i m so depressed. i mite as well sign off as. . . .
zapril
At 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
April baby,
The rule about the Patterson allure and sex is set in stone. Here's how it works. You won't ever hear it from a Patterson.
Unfortunately, reading books about sex will not help you. The problem is that Pattersons and Richardses naturally have very low libidos. At the beginning of a relationship, and prior to marriage, you might think you're interested in sex. You might even want to kiss a lot.
But once you actually have sex, the magic dies. Your libido will almost totally disappear, and you will agree to sex only on rare occasions, usually to conceive children or manipulate your partner into doing something you want. Likewise, your partner will no longer feel the effects of the Patterson allure, and your relationship will feel strained, with a lot of domestic tension.
The long-term relationship will probably endure, however, because Pattersons do not divorce. Breaking up with a childhood sweetheart never sticks. A Patterson rarely has sex with anyone else, because they don't date around much. Liz, who has had four different dates/boyfriends ever, and slept with only one of them, is considered to be on the "extremely slutty" end of the Patterson spectrum. Casual sex is not an option for Pattersons.
It looks like you are probably destined for a life of sexless suburban tedium, Apes. I'm going to try to stop Liz from marrying Anthony. If I can break the Patterson allure/curse, then you'll know there's hope for you, too.
One thing that occurs to me is that you could try being really, really mean to Gerald. Then he won't harbor a lifelong secret love for you.
Au revoir, Vivienne Paris
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