Pet Talk So Liz Can Pun
Liz took a break from telling me stuff abt the trial and abt Anthony 2 tell me a "pets" story. She was really proud of herself cuz she made a pun. 2 Dad. 99.5% of the time, Dad will B the punmaker in a convo.
NEway, Liz told me that Dad was feeding Shiimsa up on the kitchen counter. Liz was all, "Dad! Mom doesn't want the cat on the kitchen counter!" Dad sed, "If I put her food on the floor, the dogz will eat it." Then Liz was, like, "Just Eddy will." She picked up Shiimsa and sed, "So, feed him first, then put him downstairz. Dixie won't touch the cat's food." Dad was all, "I wonder Y." Then, taking a gigantic Patterson pause between a question being asked and answered, Dad fed Eddy, put him downstairz, and put the catfood on the floor by Dixie's dish. Then Liz put down Shiimsa. And Shiimsa puffed up and let out a big HISSSS @ Dixie. Dixie's ratface looked bugeyed 4 a moment there, and then she and Shiimsa settled in2 eating. Then Liz answered Dad's question with the pun she's so proud of: "Hiss and hers!" She got v. offended when I didn't laff w/my tung sticking out. And she got even more bent outta shape when I pted out that none of the pets eat all their food in one sitting, and that as soon as Dad let Eddy back up from the basement, he made a bee line 4 Shiimsa's dish and finished her catfood. She'd only eaten about a quarter of what was there. Dad heard me and sed, "Yes! I was rite! I luv it when that happens!" Liz sed, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I made a pun and no1 appreciates me!" And she stomped away.
Apes
NEway, Liz told me that Dad was feeding Shiimsa up on the kitchen counter. Liz was all, "Dad! Mom doesn't want the cat on the kitchen counter!" Dad sed, "If I put her food on the floor, the dogz will eat it." Then Liz was, like, "Just Eddy will." She picked up Shiimsa and sed, "So, feed him first, then put him downstairz. Dixie won't touch the cat's food." Dad was all, "I wonder Y." Then, taking a gigantic Patterson pause between a question being asked and answered, Dad fed Eddy, put him downstairz, and put the catfood on the floor by Dixie's dish. Then Liz put down Shiimsa. And Shiimsa puffed up and let out a big HISSSS @ Dixie. Dixie's ratface looked bugeyed 4 a moment there, and then she and Shiimsa settled in2 eating. Then Liz answered Dad's question with the pun she's so proud of: "Hiss and hers!" She got v. offended when I didn't laff w/my tung sticking out. And she got even more bent outta shape when I pted out that none of the pets eat all their food in one sitting, and that as soon as Dad let Eddy back up from the basement, he made a bee line 4 Shiimsa's dish and finished her catfood. She'd only eaten about a quarter of what was there. Dad heard me and sed, "Yes! I was rite! I luv it when that happens!" Liz sed, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I made a pun and no1 appreciates me!" And she stomped away.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:57 AM
8 Comments:
At 9:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, sumtymez i think ur mom & ur sis just make up rulez 4 thingz so they can lecture peeps. i remembah u told how ur mom lectured ur dad on how 2 load a dishwasher & how 2 fold clothez. thoze thingz aren’t rocket science. my mom iz happy i evn load the dishwasher or do laundry. i think thoze years w/my dad wen he didn’t do nething, kinda made her appreciate a guy who duz more than sit on his butt all day. i feel depressed 4 ur dad tho. he works all day & comez home & feeds the animalz & he gets a lecture by sum1 who duzn’t seem 2 know nething ‘bout animalz. plus, ur sis iz tryin’ 2 take ovah the punning frum ur dad, & i think thass the only thing he rilly likes in life. his life has gotta b a bottomless pit of despair now. just like mine. sumtymez b-ing goth feelz pretty good.
i am still grounded frum wut happed @the gym jam, but mom let me walk 2 skool this morning. on the way, i saw a bunch of peeps all wearing black & they were crying. i thot it must b the z-girls or z-guys, the goth peeps @r.p. boire senior secondary & so i went ovah 2 walk w/them 2 skool. it wuzn’t them @all. it wuz a bunch of old peeps. & here’s the freaky part, they were crying & looking @a picture of u wen u were little & ur were wearin’ ur bib overalls, u hadda pageboy haircut & had ur old dog farley by ur side n the picture. i sed, “wut r u peeps doing?” they sed, “we’re in mourning.” i sed, “the dog in that pic died, but the girl iz still alive. i go 2 skool w/her.” the peeps sed, “we’re mourning the loss of april as a child.” i sed, “not me. i get along a lot bettah w/april az a teenager than i did wen she wuz a child.” then the peeps looked @me & sed, “ur jeremy jones. we h8 jeremy jones.” & they looked rilly scary like they were gonna get violent. i sed, “not me. i am zeremy jones. see, don’t i look like i am 40?” they sed, “he’z right. jeremy iz a little punk kid.” then they started chanting the “germy wormy jeremy jones” song. i got outa there rilly fast. thoze peeps crying ovah the picture of u az a child w/farley have gotta b the scariest peeps i evah heard of. complete wackos. i hope u nevah run n2 them.
the in-skool suspension supervisor iz back. i gotta stop now.
At 10:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends,
You all seem to think I am not a "get it done" person because I don't do the work to get something, well you are all harboring some kind of misconcepted boat, because you seem to forget that I am a Patterson, more specifically, the daughter of Elly Richards Patterson, and we with Richards blood deserve very special treatment, it's like royalty, how they don't have to earn their money, they just got it from their country because they are better then everyone else, so that is why Mom and her kids are always getting stuff they don't deserve, if you look at Mike and April you will see that they get this too, just not as much as me, because Mike is a man and must show his manliness by earning a few things himself, like the senior editor job and not taking money from Mira Sobinski, but he gets stuff handed to him like all his freelance, he doesn't even have to look for jobs like a real writer, Mike just decided one day "I am a freelance writer," and people brought stuff to him, and April is still young, she has to have teenage trials and tribbleations, but notice how she got a teenage sweetheart at age 11 without doing anything, even though she had that ugly band-and-ponytail combination, she attracted Gerald, she didn't even have to try.
Also Susan is obviously harboring some misconcepted boats herself because also Jesse is only misbehaving more because I am the teacher he loves best and I had to fly away south, also I am surprised that Susan is a teacher and a native and doesn't understand two important things, first that native kids can't be held to the same standards as white kids, and two that every class needs a loveable scamp that gets a lot of attention and gets away with stuff, I hope she reads this so she learns, that's what teaching is all about, the teacher learning stuff from the kids.
Liz
At 12:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister talking to your noos (father) about feeding her cat Shiimsa and your dogs. It brought back memories of when I used to feed Shiimsa a fresh fish and Shiimsa used to give me a new scar for my effort. I love my sweet girl and so I love her cat, but there is part of me which smiles when I think about Shiimsa in a house with dogs.
I talked to your sister about it from my computer to hers using Skype. First she wanted to talk about friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) and her misconcepted boats. I tried to explain to my sweet girl that the lake near Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was starting to freeze, so there was not much time left for boating there. I told her Lake Nipigon is much larger and would be a better choice for boating, if Chipper wanted to go boating.
Your sister said, “Never mind about the boats. Are you good at following rules, Paul?” I said I thought since I was a constable in the Ontario Provincial Police, it was obvious I followed rules and I also enforced them. Your sister said, “So, if I tell you to feed the boy dog first, then put him downstairs, and then feed the cat and the girl dog; would you do it?” I said I would. Then your sister said, “And if the boy dog eats the cat’s food would you make fun of me and dance around saying, ‘Yes! I was right. I love it when that happens!’?” I said I wouldn’t do that. Then your sister said, “And if I have rules for folding clothes or loading the dishwasher, will you follow those rules?” I said I would. My sweet girl said, “I am so glad to hear that, Paul.”
I said, “I would respect your belief about how things should be done. I would do it for you, just like I know if we had children you would raise them learning how to speak Ojibway and teach them the Ojibway stories about their heritage, because you respected my beliefs on how things should be done.” Your sister said, “But Paul, native kids can't be held to the same standards as white kids.” I said, “I knew you would understand. Most white kids can barely speak English, but our kids will know English and Ojibway and all about the story of our people. They will be at a higher standard than the Whites. I can’t wait for our children to be old enough to go on the pow-wow trail like Chipper and I did when we were little.” Your sister said, “Paul, our kids are going to be raised in Milborough.” I said, “Of course. We would do the pow-wow trail on weekends or in the summer when they are out of school.” My sweet girl said, “But what about loading the dishwasher and feeding the animals?” I said, “On the pow-wow trail, you take your pets with you, and they don’t have dishwashers.” My sweet girl was very quiet after that. I could tell she was just as excited as I was. I said, “Hey, teacher. It’s a good thing you had 2 years in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) so you would know the things our children will need to know growing up.”
Your sister said, “Paul, I just realized. What if a girl was born to a Quebecoise woman? Would she expect to be raised as a Quebecois?” I said, “Maybe. I don’t know much about Quebec heritage.” Then your sister said, “Excuse me, Paul. I need to call someone about something very important.” And that was our conversation. It felt good to talk about those things with Elizabeth. I can see a real future with her.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am sensing a theme here: Liz and food. First Liz has to peel potatoes for your meal, and then she has to correct Dad on his feeding procedure for the animals. I am not sure how you are going to keep this theme going for the rest of the week, but I have confidence you will.
Dad actually called me about it. He said, “Is this Trains Unlimited?” I said, “No, Dad. It’s Michael.” Dad said, “You work for Trains Unlimited now?” I said, “No, Dad. You dialed the wrong number.”
Dad said, “Well, since I have you on the phone, let me tell you Michael. We are getting closer to getting into my dream retirement home. Elizabeth corrected me on how to do something.” I said, “I don’t see the connection.” Dad said, “When a woman starts correcting a man on how to do something, and she tells him to do it in a way which makes little to no sense, except that’s the way she wants it, then she is ready to get married. If Elizabeth gets married, then she has to leave the house. And if she leaves the house, then we can move to my dream retirement home down the road. I think I may have mentioned it.” I said, “Only about a 100 times over the last year.” Dad said, “Not counting the monthly letters.” I said, “Oh. In that case, I haven’t heard about it.”
Dad said, “Yes. Elizabeth corrected me. Then Edgar ate the cat’s food and I was dancing around because Elizabeth had told me something to do and it went wrong. I was so excited that I didn’t realize that Elizabeth had left out the most important part of being a wife.” I said, “What’s that?” Dad said, “Throwing something at the man’s head. But Elizabeth is so close to marriage. If she can just get her mind around assaulting someone when they disagree with her, then she will practically be married.”
I said, “Deanna doesn’t throw things at my head. She gives me lectures about things though.” Dad said, “Doesn’t throw things! That’s not right. What are her lectures about? Loading dishwashers? Tracking mud in the house?” I said, “This month it was lectures about adjusting to the end of Daylight Savings Time. I had to remove the television from our bedroom, and Deanna said our bedroom was only for sleeping.” Dad said, “That’s been the story of my life since April was born, although I came close over the summer.”
I said, “I had to install full-spectrum bulbs in the apartment, check all the smoke detectors, and Deanna has put lamps and blankets all over the apartment. She said all that light and blankets encourage snuggling.” Dad said, “Sounds good to me.” I said, “Then exactly one hour before the children go to bed, she turns out most of the lights.” Dad said, “Energy conservation and the dark gets everyone ready for bed. That's good.”
Then I said, “Not only that but Deanna has quit drinking coffee and she says I have to do that too.” Dad said, “What? No coffee? Has she gone insane? That’s cruel and inhuman. I would rather take a tin of cat food to the head than give up coffee. Deanna may be pretty, but there is no amount of good looks to make up for insanity. I feel for you son. Come over to our house if you need coffee. That’s one thing Elly will never give up.”
I may be visiting the old house more often. See you soon.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:42 PM,
howard said…
April,
More trial today. It started off slowly. The Crown Attorney took several hours recapitulating everything that happened in the trial so far. Then he brought in a dog and a cat and showed us the proper feeding order. My lawyer Mr. Benis, got impatient. He said to Judge Patterlover, “My Lord. With respect to my learned friend, I think we need to get on with the trial and not this dog and pony show.” The Crown Attorney said, “But the pony has been out in the hall waiting for his turn.” Judge Patterlover said, “I agree with the counsel for the defence. Please get on with your witnesses.”
Much to my surprise, the Crown called Fiona Brass to the stand. As you may remember Fiona is your dad’s cousin, and we had a brief relationship last year, so I was nervous about what she might say. This is how it went:
Crown Counsel: Fiona Brass. When did you first meet the accused?
Fiona Brass: I first met Howard when we worked together in the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant, sometimes called the Country Kitchen. I was the day waitress, and I ran my pool hall at night. Our relationship was the usual working relationship, but I could tell Howard was interested in me. Most men are.
Crown Counsel: Did he ever make suggestive remarks to you about operating heavy equipment, like “you can shift my gears any time.”
Fiona Brass: Hum. I think he said I could work as a waitress for him any time.”
Crown Counsel: I see. Did the accused use any other kind of sexual innuendo in the work place?
Fiona Brass: I think he said he was “really cooking” one time.
Crown Counsel: Any others?
Fiona Brass: He asked me once if I thought his soufflé had risen enough.
Crown Counsel: That’s quite a pattern of abusive language.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer With respect to my learned friend, the witness is not qualified to determine the language is abusive.
Crown Counsel: I will restate. That’s quite a pattern of language which could be interpreted as meaning something else. Miss Brass, when did my client first sexually assault you?
Fiona Brass: I think it was when Howard agreed to date me. Sexual assault was one of the conditions of the relationship. Howard was very good, but alas, Howard didn’t get along with Belmont III, so I had to break off the relationship.
Crown Counsel: Belmont III?
Fiona Brass: My cat. He was in here earlier for the feeding demonstration. When Howard was busy assaulting me, Belmont would be over his shoulder all the time like, as my father used to say, “a bad smell.” Usually tuna.
Crown Counsel: So the accused repeatedly sexually assaulted you?
Fiona Brass: For as long as he could. I can outlast most men. They find me irresistible, but they don’t have the stamina I require.
Crown Counsel: All men find you irresistible, or just serial rapists like the accused?
Fiona Brass: All men. You see, as a cousin to John Patterson, I have Patterson blood in me and with that comes the Patterson allure.
Crown Counsel: Patterson allure?
Fiona Brass: It makes men desire a woman, even when she looks like me. Or with Elizabeth Patterson, it makes men desire her, when any sensible, intelligent men would stay far away from her.
Crown Counsel: Are you blaming Elizabeth Patterson for being assaulted? She’s the victim in this case.
Fiona Brass: Elizabeth has Patterson allure, just like I do. I am telling the truth. I’ll prove it. {Then Fiona put on some lipstick to make her lips look bigger. She pulled her hair back into a bun, stood up, and hiked her skirt up so you could see her leg.}
Crown Counsel: I’m married, but I’ll marry you instead. Will you wait for me? I have no home.
Mr. Benis, my lawyer: Don’t listen to my learned friend. I have my own practice. I make a lot more money. I will treat you like a queen.
Judge Patterlover: I’ll set Howard free, if you agree to marry me.
Bailiff : Step any closer to my future bride and I’ll crack your head. {Then Fiona wiped off her lipstick, took her hair back out of the bun, and sat down. The courtroom was in a pandemonium.}
Fiona Brass: I trust that no one will question my Patterson allure any longer.
Judge Patterlover: I need to recess in order to regain my dignity.
Fiona Brass: You can do that, but I won’t be here when you get back. I have an interview over at the The Dinette Set as a backup character.
Judge Patterlover: What do you mean?
Fiona Brass: The world is going to end in Fall, 2007. The signs of the Apocalypse have started appearing. The only safe place is in another town. If I were you legal types, I would see if there is any room in Judge Parker for you.
Judge Patterlover: What do you mean, the world is going to end?
Fiona Brass: I guess, technically it’s not going to end. It will continue as a still-being discussed hybrid, but nobody knows what the hell that means.
Judge Patterlover: Miss Brass. I don’t know what you’re talking about. We will continue the trial after a brief recess.
Fiona Brass: Suit yourself. I won’t be here. After my interview I am going to Paris to bungee jump out of an airplane and see the Eiffel Tower ... from the top.”
Judge Patterlover: I think it would be easier to look out the window of the plane to see the Eiffel Tower. Court is in recess.
I spoke to Fiona right after the rest of the people started to leave. She said, “Howard. If you’re smart, you will see if you can have a relationship with Mark Slackmeyer over in Doonesbury. He and Chase Talbott III are getting divorced and a gay, transvestite might be what Mark is looking for in a man. If you stay around here, you are just going to put you in prison and that’s where you will be forever.” I said, “What if I find Chase more attractive?” Fiona said, “He’s not a majour cast character. Stick with Mark.” Then she left.
Don’t worry about me though, April. I plan to go through the trial, just in case your sister doesn’t put me in prison. Then there would be a chance I could get some more time with my bud, Becky.
Howard Bunt
At 6:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
We need to talk to Mom about stopping this crazy Fiona Brass woman, she is out of control, I went over to Mayes Midtown Motors' new restaurant, "Buns, 'Nuts n' Holes," to get one (do)nut and some donut holes for Shiimsa, and also to talk to Anthony, I am getting nervous about testifying, I sometimes push that button on my forehead to try to remember that day so I will know what to say but I have trouble remembering, so I wanted to ask Anthony exactly what happened, so if I have to make up some stuff it won't be conflictory with what he says, anyhow, I get to the dealership and guess who is in there getting a cinnamon bun, it's Fiona Brass, and she has her cat with her, Belmont III, and Belmont hissed at Shiimsa and I was very upset, after all Shiimsa is a Patterson and also part Richards, or kind of, so anyway she should be the Napoleon cat, not Belmont, but Fiona was totally unreasonable, I put Shiimsa on the counter so I could get my 'nut and Fiona said, "Cats don't belong on counters," and I said, "It's okay, Gordon never told me she couldn't be there," and Fiona said, "But she's going to eat my cinnamon buns," and I said, "Just the part with frosting, she only likes the part with frosting," and sure enough by then Shiimsa was gobbling down on the sweet part of Fiona's buns, and Fiona said, "But your cat is eating my food!" and I said, "Well if you would just take your buns down to the basement, it wouldn't be a problem," and Fiona said, "There's no basement here," and I said, "Well then deal with it."
Well then Shiimsa finished the cinnamon buns and she jumped onto Fiona's purse and started to shred it and Fiona said, "Control your cat, she's shredding my best purse" and I said, "You are way too attached to that purse," and Fiona said, "But it's an Hermes Birkin bag! It's worth $6000!" and I said, "I don't believe you," and Fiona said, "I won it off Drew Barrymore in a poker game," and I said, "You're a liar," and Fiona said, "That doesn't matter, what matters is your cat is ruining my purse," and I said, "You should be ashamed of having a purse that costs that much when the Mtigwaki school has to make due with a cheese-encrusted leaf press," and Fiona said, "Huh?", well just then Tracy came in and told us that cats are not allowed in restaurants and kicked us out, I am going to file a protest with the Board of Health.
Anyway then we were outside and since Anthony wasn't around I decided to leave, well Fiona went outside and put on some lipstick and put her hair in a bun and hiked up her skirt so her knees showed and stood at the curb and yelled, "Baby needs a ride!" and all these guys suddenly had like a 5 car pileup from all stopping at the same time, anyway they came running over and said stuff like, "Hey lady, I bet you have a nice little pussy," and I got angry and I said, "Hey, her pussy is old and ugly, don't you guys see me here, I have a really beautiful, soft, young little pussy," and I showed them Shiimsa, and then I said, "Fiona's pussy is old and ugly and smelly and likes to bite," and the guys were all like, "I dunno..." but then all of a sudden my hat blew off and the boys all yelled, "Whoa, check out the bun on this one!", but Fiona still got a couple of dates from those boys, which isn't right, men are all supposed to be interested in me, not her, so something has to be done, I'm filing that protest with the health department too.
Liz
At 8:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
zeremy, those creepy odefoax u ran in2 this morning went in2 lilliput's when i was working there after school 2day. i was working the register, an' they came up 2 me holding candles an' that icky foto u told me abt. they held up the foto and one of them sed, "it's tragic. pure tragedy." and another sed, "yes. she's one of them now. one of THEM!" they did sum weird chants i'd never hear of and wandered out.
moira came up 2 me and asked wtf that was all abt. i sed, "sumthing 2 do w/mourning the loss of me as a child". and moira sed, "ew. sumhow i can't help thinking this has sumthing 2 do w/yr mother." i sed, "no doubt."
liz, what is a misconcepted boat? i've never heard that xxpression b4. is it like a sailboat?
oh, and thanx 4 summarizing mike's post 4 me again. "nuthing worth reading, april. saying mean thingz abt me as usual."
btw, mom just got off the fone, i'm not sure w/whom, and now she's giving liz a v. uncomfortable lecture abt how the word "pussy" has an extra meaning that has nuthing 2 do w/felines.
apes
At 10:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Haven't you ever heard of "harboring miscon-something or others," I couldn't remember the expression, didn't I get it right, I was just guessing, but I can't think of anything that gets harbored besides boats, so I'm sure I'm right, and by the way, I still don't understand what Mom is talking about when she says, "Pussy can also mean a very, very bad place," what does she mean, like Quebec?
Liz
Post a Comment
<< Home