LOL
So here's this thing that happed last nite, when it was raining. Edgar and Dixie were whining 2 B let out, so Mom let them out. But they were taking a long time sniffing snoofa-ing, snuffing, and snerfing insteada getting thru w/their bizness. Mom got impatient an' yelled "Wd U hurry UP?!!" But they didn't care, they just kept w/the snooffa snifff snuff snerf sniff snuff stuff. Mom yelled, "Oh, 4 heaven's sake!! Y does it take U so darned long 2 complete A SIMPLE ACT OF NATURE?!!" Meanwhile, during all this, Dad had been using the bathroom, and he actually thot Mom was yelling @ him. He came outta the bathroom all, "Sorry!... I was reading!" And Mom totally gave him a WTF look. Heh.
When Mom and Dad managed 2 sort out what had just happed, Mom cdn't stop laffing, and Dad was pretty embarrassed. He tried 2 change the subj by telling me sumthing from when I was three. Dad had just come home from working @ the dental clinic, and he was all, "Hi, there! I'm home!" And I was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" And I ran up 2 him, and he swooped me up in his arms, swinging me around and around a few times B4 putting me down. When he did put me down, I was a bit dizzy. I staggered a bit, and I told Mom, "Dad just gived me a rollercoaster hug." After Dad told that story, he sed, "Elly! April! Isn't that funny?" Mom sed, "Sure, John, but not as funny as you thinking I was yelling @ U 2 use the bathroom faster." And I sed, "Yeah, sorry Dad, but that's true."
Apes
When Mom and Dad managed 2 sort out what had just happed, Mom cdn't stop laffing, and Dad was pretty embarrassed. He tried 2 change the subj by telling me sumthing from when I was three. Dad had just come home from working @ the dental clinic, and he was all, "Hi, there! I'm home!" And I was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" And I ran up 2 him, and he swooped me up in his arms, swinging me around and around a few times B4 putting me down. When he did put me down, I was a bit dizzy. I staggered a bit, and I told Mom, "Dad just gived me a rollercoaster hug." After Dad told that story, he sed, "Elly! April! Isn't that funny?" Mom sed, "Sure, John, but not as funny as you thinking I was yelling @ U 2 use the bathroom faster." And I sed, "Yeah, sorry Dad, but that's true."
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:44 AM
11 Comments:
At 8:35 AM,
April Patterson said…
mike, me staying friends w/becks all along is not a patterson retcon. if u need proof, all u have 2 do is go back 2 the beginning of this blog and read the comments becky and i have made back and forth all along. u'll prolly say u don't have time, but u always find time 4 stuff u want 2 do, i know that 4 a fact.
apes
At 9:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I must admit going back to the beginning of your Blog was a tiresome task; however, I am quite impressed that you would take the time to rewrite your Blog entries to make it look like you and Becky McGuire got along. I have noticed that mom occasionally goes back and rewrites our monthly letters to correct things, but not to this extent. I guess you must have more time on your hands. I know that if I and my downstairs neighbours, the Kelpfroths suddenly become best friends, I don’t think I will take the time to rewrite my history to talk about how nice they have always been. But since you did have the time, I must congratulate you on trying to make your Patterson retcon so complete.
As for your Blog entry today, I could tell you had taken up most of your energy rewriting your old Blog entries. Really, little sis. Potty jokes about dad and the dogs? I guess you were trying to maintain the toilet theme from this week, since you wrote about your former archenemy Becky McGuire sitting on the toilet the last several days. But it’s one thing to think about a tarted up teenaged girl on the toilet, than stinky, smelly wet dogs and dad doing their business. I hope you write about something a little more palatable tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) yelling at your animoshish (dogs) and your noos (father) thought he was the one being yelled at. I remember the evening very well. I was in middle of one of my hours-long evening conversations using Skype on our computers with your sister and I had to go to the washroom. I try to hold myself back, since your sister wants to talk all evening, but sometimes I have to consider this simple act of nature. As I was miizii (doing my business), I heard your ngashi (mother’s) voice over the Skype yelling, “Oh, for Heaven’s sake!! Why does it take you so darned long to complete a simple act of nature?!!” I came out of the washroom and I said, “Elizabeth, is your ngashi (mother) yelling at me? I heard her voice clearly in the washroom.” Your sister said, “My ngashi (mom) has a very loud voice. She is downstairs yelling at the animoshish (dogs).” I said, “Is the door to your room closed?” Your sister said, “Yes. Paul. I don’t let people hear our conversations. And when April tries to stick her head under the door and eavesdrop, I shoo her away.” I said, “I heard your ngashi (mom’s) voice up the stairs, through your door, across Skype, and through my washroom door?” Elizabeth said, “Yes, Paul. And she can be a lot louder. When I was a kid, sometimes she would yell at us so loud, the neighbours would come over and complain about damaged hearing.”
It was interesting news about your ngashi (mom). Her voice is like a force of nature. It makes me wonder if Elizabeth is going to develop that same kind of voice when she gets older. Your noos (father’s) reaction makes me wonder what married life would be like with Elizabeth, if she did start yelling like that. When I asked my sweet girl if she yells like her ngashi (mother), she said, “Paul. I never get like that. I am not my ngashi (mother).” But then something happened in the room because then she said, “SHIIMSA!!! GET DOWN FROM THERE!!! I AM GOING TO GET YOU!!!!!” This went on for a long time.
I didn’t sleep very well last night. I had a lot of giiwanaadingwaam (nightmares) about someone who looked like your sister, with her jaw unhinged, and screaming at me every time I went to the washroom. I hope I sleep better tonight.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:27 AM,
April Patterson said…
mike, omg, i didn't go back an' rewrite ANYTHING! i cdn't even if i wanted 2. can't u c BECKY was posting from her own friggin' ACCOUNT? gah, y r u so STUBBORN that u can't just ADMIT u were WRONG? is that so hard?
paul, i haven't read yr post yet cuz i'm so mad @ mike i hadta write back rite away. i'll read yr post now.
apes
At 4:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Of course you didn't go back and rewrite anything. I was completely wrong when I said you did. That's exactly right. You say you weren’t enemies with Becky McGuire before you hugged, I completely understand, say no more, say no more, know whatumean, nudge nudge, wink wink.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
Initially when I read your Blog entry for today, I wondered why it was you had chosen to write about your dogs and your father defecating, but Becky told me after she read your Blog entry, it was really a story about how beaten down your father is that he doesn't even have sacred time on the "throne" when it comes to your mother. It wasn't really clear to me what the point was, but points become less and less clear to me the closer I get to being thrown into prison by your sister.
Sometimes I think it was better to be a dog. With a super powerful nose, a light rain like we had last night would have been the perfect time to go out and sniff things. It would be a special joy to find fallen leaves that weren't the traditional Milborough crescent moon or batarang shape, and the moisture on the leaf would release all sorts of magnificent odours that can only be experienced in an autumn rain. Just the other night, I was on a walk with Becky through your neighbourhood, looking at your dog, Edgar and your rat-dog, Dixie, enjoying the leaf-sniffing pleasures of the season and it made me get softly sentimental. I started to tear up, and Becky said to me, "What's wrong, Howie?" And I said, "When I am in prison, I won't be able to experience the wet leaf smells of an autumnal rain." Becky said, "Sometimes you say the weirdest things, Howie." Then your mother stepped out on the back porch of your house, I thought to enjoy the fragrant odours as your dogs were, but then she started screaming at the top of her lungs. The dogs shook with fear and I think lost control of their bowels, which may have been what your mother expected them to do. I was a little scared myself. Becky said, "Typical, Jelly Fatterson. Can't even let dogs poop in peace."
The part of the walk that then surprised me was the number of your neighbours who stepped out on their porches and started yelling obsenities at your mother. None of them had your mother's vocal power thank goodness, because she either didn't hear them, or acted like she didn't hear them. If I were you, April, I would consider getting some hearing protection, like a good set of ear plugs to wear around your mother. You certainly wouldn't want to start going deaf, like your father with his hearing loss.
Anyway, Becky and I had a good time at the Karoake night with you at the Three Kronen's. I was surprised to see Duncan's girlfriend Sandra or Zandra, as she likes to call herself, there assisting her uncle and his amazingly talented rabbit. Becky and Zandra had an interesting conversation about your friend Eva. They both shared a similar dislike for her and some of the stories they shared were pretty funny. I was glad you didn't join in, too much.
I was pleased the Karaoke selection already had the Karoake version of Becky's most recent single, so we could hear her sing it without sound problems or a drugged up backup band. I wish your school could have heard her like this. She really has developed into a top-notch teenage pop singer. I'll have to check and see if they are going to let me have a CD player in prison, so I can still listen to Becky sing after I am incarcerated. I kind of doubt it.
Howard Bunt
At 5:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur blog entry xxplained sum stuff. mom wuz convinced she heard ur mom yellin' @her dogs just outside our house, but wen we looked she wuzn't there & neither were ur dogs. now, i know it's just cuz ur mom iz loud.
i've just been doin' homework 2day & mom will let me on the computer 4 homework. but no tv or musick or nethin' 4 a whole month, thanx 2 last week's gym jam & my 10-day suspension startin' on monday. mom sez zandra larson'z z-girl friend zapata haz been callin' me 2 talk 'bout sumthin', but mom won't let me have ne fone tyme az a part of b-ing grounded. i guess i'll hafta w8 till skool 2 find out wut she wunts, assuming she can find me in the in-skool suspension room. have u heard nething?
i also got the official word from rebecca's dad, thorvald mcguire. it wuz wut i xxpected. fired. @least i wuzn't actually doin' drugs, like the othah guyz in rebecca'z band, so i wuzn't arrested. i keep sayin' 2 myself. december's gotta b a better month.
At 5:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, don't PRETEND 2 agree w/me if u don't really believe me. i'm telling u the truth, no nudgenudge winkwink. but i give up. u know who is doing a patterson retcon? U r. yr retcon is that becky an' i became enemies after she left the band during grade-8 grad an' that we were enemiez from then until we hugged after the gym jam. i showed u the evidence that this is not true, and since that doesn't match yr retcon, u make another retcon saying that sumhow i found the time 2 rewrite my entire blog an' change all the comments, going back almost a year and a half. how friggin' crazee is that? it's not even poss. gah, u r totally off the wall.
howard, i didn't realize so many ppl heard my mom, but i guess i'm not surprised. oh, and becky's rite, it's abt how my dad's all beaten down like that. karaoke was a blast last nite, eh?
jeremy, i'm sorry u r in such trub. i haven't heard nething abt zapata.
apes
At 6:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. So sorry. I quite agree. I will look through my published works to see if I can rewrite something talking about you and Becky being enemies. After all, it would not do your Patterson retcon any good, if it didn’t agree with the works in my weekly columns. I have one here from August last year called, “Why Becky Mcguire (Little Miss I Want To Be Someone) Wants To Perform Without My Sister.” A quick edit and now it says, “Why Becky Mcguire (Little Miss I Want To Be Humiliated In A School Performance) Only Wants To Perform With My Sister.” Once I get done, then no one will know the truth. Good point, little sis. I wonder if the newspaper column will be willing to republish it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, no need 4u to apologize 4 my trubs. i don't blame u. ur bf, howevah, iz anothah matter. if u hear nething 'bout zapata, lemme know.
At 8:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
shut up, shut up, shut up, mike. i am not the retconner. u r. just leave me alone.
jeremy, i will let u know if i hear nething.
apes
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