April's Real Blog

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

November letters fr my fam

Hey, I'm on a library computer @ school an' I only have abt six minutes 2 write an' post this, so gotta B quick. My letter--U so know Mom thinx I'm talking abt the lame fake blog, but U guyz know I mean this one. Go ahead and post abt moviez if U feel like it, but if not, that's cube, 2.

Ha ha, Liz got stuck writing the Pets letter this month. She's surprised 2 learn that Mom's not a cat person? LOL.

Mike, do U live in Toronto or not? If U live in TO, U don't take a train in2 "the city", U already live there. And stop neglecting yr fam!

Dee, whatevs w/all yr advice.

So Dad's always been a choo-choo head. Quelle surprise, not.

Mom's all shocked I can like the Beatles. Whatevs.

Gramps/Iris--I'm just 2 depressed 2 get in2 that letter.

Gotta stop B4 I get timed out!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 12:39 PM  

6 Comments:

  • At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    There is still some more of the Lilibet story I am willing to tell, here is some of it.

    ---

    Chapter 14
    Lilibet’s teaching philosophy was that a person has their whole life to learn how to read and write and do math, and you should live each day to its fullest, so balancing having fun with learning is best, so Lilibet tried to make each lesson as fun as possible, for example, when it came time to learn about trees, Lilibet decided the regular lessons were too boring and full of words like “xylem” and “phloem” that nobody knows what they mean anyway, so she got her dad Sean to make a leaf press for her and she spent all day long letting the kids press leaves and then that rotten scamp Jesse showed her how other stuff could get pressed in there, like cheese sandwiches, and Lilibet couldn’t argue that it wasn’t educational, since she sure hadn’t known you could get stuff squished down that flat.

    Well while Lilibet was doing that her mother Kelly was driving home and she finally got tired and pulled off to the side of the road to sleep but strangely enough the police didn’t think that was a good idea and they took her to the police station, not to be arrested but to be waited on hand and foot, you might think that sounds weird but that is the kind of reception that a Latterson is used to getting wherever she goes, anyhow Kelly made good friends with a young police man and she gave him Lilibet’s 8x11 glamour shot and talked her up about how “adventurous” and “simple” she is, well of course that made the young police man realize that Lilibet was the only woman for him in the whole wide world and that she was perfect and he needed to meet her. Kelly could see that the young police man was already wildly in love with Lilibet, it was obvious that the Latterson allure works even through a picture, because he asked if she was engaged, apparently the young police man felt that if Lilibet had only been in a long-term relationship, it would have been okay to try to break them up, or maybe the young police man just wanted to know if there was a fiancé he was going to have to shoot, it’s kind of hard to tell what natives are thinking sometimes, and did I mention that the young police man was native? Anyhow Kelly could see this was a possible husband for Lilibet and she made sure not to get his name or leave any contact information or give him her name, even though they spent the whole night together, but not in a sex way, and she left her sunglasses behind, so that the young police man could only give them back by going to the native village where Lilibet lived and meeting her, with her work done, Kelly went home.

    Well Lilibet had no idea she already had a new boyfriend, she was busy at school, she was done with the leaf pressing and she went on to show the kids how to look at stars, it was a very involved lesson plan, it took many weeks to teach the kids about just the pole star because it has the same name as a snowmobile, and they wouldn’t hardly pay any attention to the glow-in-the-dark star stickers she put on the ceiling, anyhow the kids twirled around until they fell down but they still didn’t understand, so Lilibet planned a field trip, out to a field, to look at stars through a telescope, she figured that would help them understand what stars are, since they obviously hadn’t ever heard of them before, anyway, to make a good educational field trip Lilibet picked up some cocoa and hot dogs, and it turned out that all the buttinsky adult natives came too, it was really annoying, like they had some right to see what their kids were learning or something, it was outrageous, but Lilibet handled it with the grace that she inherited from her mom, after doing a goggle-eye expression of total shock she was fine and just went with it, anyway it turned out to be a good teaching experience because it turned out that none of the natives had ever seen a star before.

    Well it turned out that the young native police man had never seen a star before either, he came up to the native village that night and introduced himself to Lilibet, and it was obvious he was already in love with her, he could hardly talk a straight line, but this is normal when a man meets a Latterson woman, anyhow, of course Lilibet was instantly thrilled to have a new boyfriend, she wasn’t sure what she thought of this guy yet but it is important to have a husband possibility and Lilibet had not heard from Albany about his divorce yet so she was thinking he might of changed his mind, and she couldn’t ever be “the other woman,” at least not anywhere but Albany’s mind, that is not part of old-fashioned morals, and anyway, what better way to convince Albany to fight for her then by hooking up with a handsome man, that would surely convince Albany to leave his wife. Anyway, this man was a much cuter backup husband than Broward or Trudy, his name was Saul Charming, and he treated Lilibet like a queen, which was no less then she deserved, she didn’t understand why the other men she had known didn’t do that, it was very nice to have a man who when she said, “Get me a soda,” asked her what kind and whether she wanted it in a glass with ice, just for example, there were actually a lot of things Saul did for her like that, and the great thing was he didn’t try to push her to do more than a kiss, he admired Lilibet’s old-fashioned morals which was perfect, she didn’t have to use sex to hang on to this husband back-up plan, that was good, she knew Albany had only had sex with Kareze so if she had only done it with Vane, then they were even, but if she did it with Saul, she would be a slut again, so Lilibet was very happy that Saul was so easygoing.

    Well Lilibet decided to go home for Christmas after all, it was a very convenient last minute change of plans because Lilibet had a feeling that if she did, something exciting would happen to her, and sure enough it did, Winston called and told her he would fly her home for Christmas, well it was complicated because she was trying to keep Saul as a husband material person without giving him any kind of sign of commitment, but also she had hoped for a long time that Winston was still her stealth boyfriend, you know the kind you don’t talk to for a couple of years but is still your husband backup, anyhow, Saul was driving her to Black Creek to meet his parents before going home but Lilibet figured out the perfect way to handle it, she didn’t tell Winston or Saul about each other, and when Saul was driving her to Black Creek she was going to tell him about it but then he started telling her about how his whole universe revolves around her, which was right where Lilibet wanted Saul, so she gave him a little kissing to make sure he was hooked before she told him that she was blowing off his parents to get a ride with her other boyfriend Winston, well Saul was jealous and that was good, of course Lilibet knew the way to keep Saul snagged was to tell him there was no reason to be jealous, but of course Saul was and Lilibet liked to see that, she knew that as a Latterson she deserved to have men drooling and fighting over her, anyhow, Saul said he was jealous of how exciting it is to be a helicopter pilot or something, really Lilibet wasn’t listening at that point, she was trying to think of how to play it with Winston.

    Well when they got out of the car Lilibet made sure to hug Saul right in front of Winston, and she rubbed her body on him sexy-like, and of course Saul was all insecure and thought he would lose her, but Lilibet was clever, she said, “Don’t worry, when I come back, we’ll still be…” and trailed off like that and batted her eyelashes to make Saul think she had made him a promise to be his girlfriend but of course she didn’t really because she was hoping for a New Year’s Eve divorce surprise announcement from Albany and also to maybe keep Winston as like second runner up in the husband material line, that was why she didn’t kiss Saul in front of Winston, so Winston would realize he was still in the running, so anyhow, Lilibet went off in the helicopter with Winston.

    Well Winston acted annoyed, he wanted Lilibet to love him and only him, and Lilibet asked if he dated other girls, and he said he did, well that was it, Lilibet knew he was not husband material if he couldn’t go for a couple of measly years with no contact and still not date around, so Lilibet told him it was over, still, Lilibet let him kiss her goodbye so he would still think about her, Lilibet needed to keep as many men in the running as possible for husband stuff, and who knew, maybe Winston would get the message and stop dating other women until Lilibet either called him up to be first place in the husband contest or got married, whichever came first, anyhow, of course her nosy freak brother Pike and his stupid blonde wife Lee with the fish lips of beauty wanted to know all about it, well Lilibet told them she picked Paul, you have to tell the story a simple way to people like that, when you marry your childhood sweetheart so easy like they did you don’t understand how you have to strategize to get a husband at all, the life of a spinster is full of hardship and it is not a story for the faint of heart.

     

  • At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 15
    The holidays were very disappointing for Lilibet that year, her friends did not arrange for her to go to a party where Albany was attending so she got totally wasted, since she was depressed at being unmarried for yet another year and there was no news that Albany had even filed for his divorce, what was the holdup she wondered, obviously his marriage to Kareze was worthless, plus Lilibet realized for the very first time that she was not living in her parents’ house anymore that that was unbelievably depressing, that is the place she wanted to be more then anything in the whole world, see Lilibet had finally grown up enough to appreciate that her Mom and Dad were perfect and that a grownup child’s place is at home with them until she gets married, and even after that she should depend on them for support even when she says she doesn’t, like by stealing all the rec room furniture. Lapril was really annoying when Lilibet had a huge hangover so in order to get her back Lilibet gave her rotten sister Lapril a sexy red dress as a hand-me-down, that might sound nice but the dress was totally inappropriate for a 15 year old so Lapril’s dad busted her for it, that made Lilibet laugh until her sides hurt because Sean was always favoring Lapril way too much, even when Lapril was acting like a space alien or something by being moody, anyway as usual that jerk Lapril got her back, when Sean took Lilibet to the bus Lapril tagged along and asked Lilibet if she was in love with anybody from up north and of course Lilibet said no, but suggested it might happen, the kind of trickery a spinster has to use extends even to her family, Sean has a big mouth and if Lilibet said something like “Yes, I have a boyfriend and his name is Saul” or “No, I am waiting for Albany to divorce, he is my one true love,” Sean would run to Albany and tell him, Sean is just like that.

    Well back up north was good, Lilibet told Saul she was ready to fully pursue a partnership with him and soon he was coming over all the time to do his part of the partnership which was mostly carrying boxes for her, Saul would try to get “grabby” sometimes like he wanted to do sex stuff with Lilibet but now Lilibet was an older and wiser Lilibet, she knew how to dodge away from a man when he starts to get ideas about doing something to her with his piston, anyway Lilibet tried not to even let Saul hug her very much, mostly she would wear him out with cross-country skiing when he visited, and make him talk about boring stuff nobody cares about like politics and religion and this thing called “string theory” she saw on a cover of a magazine once because she was wondering if it had to do with explaining how come her cat Friend would always try to eat string and ribbon, but he did have this annoying habit of grabbing her under the butt and lifting her in the air so she couldn’t get away, it was annoying, it also meant his piston pressed against her special lady parts, through pants of course, but Lilibet figured that was a good way to make Saul think there was a chance he might someday get to use that piston in a married kind of way, you know boys, they need that kind of hope or they can’t go on living, or something, well still, Lilibet was excited, she liked having a boyfriend, it is so embarrassing when people think you’re the kind of loser who doesn’t always have a husband or at least a boyfriend.

    Well that native teacher Terry started asking Lilibet all kinds of questions about Saul, you could tell he was jealous, and Terry even asked Lilibet if her parents would mind her marrying someone who was Indian or a different race, well of course Lilibet acted flirty and said no, that race is a stupid word because it’s not like her or Saul runs any different from each other, except that Lilibet runs like a girl, and besides the only race that matters is something her ugly brother Pike calls “the rat race,” which means something like life, or whatever, and Lilibet got up on her soapbox then since she saw the moment and decided to grab it or whatever, and she said that the only thing that matters is people making the world a better place with their running, or something, kind of like Forrest Gump in that movie, well, of course Terry was impressed and Lilibet added him to her list of husband prospects in her head, which you are probably confused about by now, so here is the list:

    1. Albany
    2. Saul
    3. Winston
    4. Terry
    5. Trudy
    6. Broward

    Lilibet was pretty sure that she could convince Terry to get a divorce if she needed him to do it, after all, his wife Nivea is no Latterson, also she could tell how Terry was always stripping off her parka with his eyes in his head, you know, dirty thoughts, anyhow, Lilibet was still worried, she had six husband prospects but you know what they say about a husband in the hand is worth like twenty out there floating around not giving you a diamond ring on your finger, well then this native teacher girl named Shoshanna came to visit and then Lilibet knew she could totally leave town to go back down south without people thinking bad of her, except for one problem, Saul had put in to transfer closer to the little native town, to Pines All Crowded, which is a town with all the bars that Lilibet likes since no liquor is allowed in the little native town, contrary to what you might of heard about natives, they never drink at all.

    Well the secret plan about moving south began to grow and grow until it was a big secret plan and it felt like it was going to squirt out Lilibet’s ears it was so big, but Lilibet knew that couldn’t happen, it was important to hide the plan from Saul until the very last minute, if she told him way in advance he could arrange a transfer and get down south faster, and Lilibet needed to get there a few months ahead of him at least, to check out what the situation was with Albany and whether he was divorced or not, and maybe even see if marrying Albany was going to work out, that way there wouldn’t be “complications” like what happened when Saul met Winston, she didn’t need that, you should keep one husband material separate from other husband materials, well it all worked out for the best, because in May Lilibet still hadn’t told anybody about not coming back, but her evil sister Lapril emailed her that Albany finally got a divorce, so it was time to put the plan into action, and Terry could tell that Lilibet was already thinking about her south plan, because he somehow knew she wasn’t coming back, it must be that native psychicness or something, Terry’s wife Nivea was always good at guessing what Lilibet was thinking too, and when Lilibet asked Nivea for some advice, because she had to pretend this idea of moving just occurred to her and that it was like a conflict for her, that stupid bitch told Lilibet she had to hurry up and tell Saul or she was a bad person, that was not helpful to Lilibet at all, now she couldn’t keep pretending she didn’t know what she was doing was wrong.

    Well maybe because Saul is only half native, he doesn’t have the ESG thing, which is good for Lilibet because he didn’t guess about the moving away thing until he showed up one day at the teacher hutch and she told him, sorry I can’t live here, gee I guess I should of told you, and do you know what, Saul actually had the nerve to get mad at her, at that point Lilibet knew this was why a Latterson married their childhood sweetheart, who are perfect and know you can’t get really mad at a Latterson, it’s not right, anyhow Lilibet told him, “Move south or you’re going to lose me,” not exactly like that but her meaning was clear, Lilibet was a master of sneakiness and manipulation by now, like any smart spinster has to be, anyhow Saul promised to get a transfer south which was what Lilibet wanted to hear, after all you have to keep your backup husband where you can watch him like a hawk.

     

  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 16
    Well of course the natives were devastated that Lilibet was moving away, wherever a Latterson goes they become the most important and admired person in the community, just look how her ugly jerk brother Pike had managed to get everyone at his job and his apartments to think he was more important than all the rest of them, especially that punk kid Jackie, I meant to change his name before but I forgot, anyhow, they were all crying and moaning about Lilibet going away and she really liked that, that is the kind of thing a Latterson deserves, anyway there was a big party for Lilibet and of course they gave her the greatest native honor, a spirit name, which is something hardly any white person gets but of course Lilibet deserved it as the best teacher ever and a Latterson.

    Well just before Lilibet got her spirit name Shoshanna turned up to move into the teacher hutch and at first Shoshanna was acting proper like and helping Lilibet pack and listening to all her wisdom, but then there was a knock on the door and Lilibet said “that’s probably my boyfriend” and Shoshanna went to answer it and it was Saul, except something went terribly wrong, Saul and Shoshanna recognized each other as their childhood friends from the powwow trail, they even had nicknames for each other, Shoshanna was “Hacker” and Saul was “Brewski,” next thing Lilibet knew she could only stand goggle-eyed and watch Saul do the butt-lift crotch-grind with Shoshanna, they hadn’t seen each other since they were 16 and Lilibet could just tell they did more on that powwow trail then get in touch with the Great Spirit or whatever, you know what I mean, sex things, just hearing them catch up with what they were doing in that podunk native town made Lilibet feel small, a Latterson should be the focus of attention at all times, they are the most important person wherever they go, but Lilibet realized these natives didn’t get the memo, but Lilibet stomped on the top of Saul’s foot to remind him who his universe revolves around, and he seemed to get the hint, he started hugging on Lilibet and talking about how much he wants to be with her and Lilibet let him, she even kissed him in front of Shoshanna, Lilibet hardly ever let Saul kiss her let alone in front of somebody, Lilibet could see that Shoshanna was a husband material stealer, seeing as Shoshanna was also a spinster, Lilibet knew she was a wily foe, at that moment Lilibet knew she had to get Saul down south in a hurry.

    Well then there was the naming ceremony and Lilibet got a pretty name, White Goose, which means something like “flies away south” but Lilibet decided to pretend it means “I will always return” and Lilibet figured she might after all, if she married Saul she might come up every decade or so when they visited Saul’s relatives in the hick native town, anyhow, the brat kid Jackie seemed calmer about her leaving, that was good, nobody needs a brat dragging along on your bumper when you are trying to leave someplace in the dust.

    Well on the way south Saul started whining about how Lilibet going south wasn’t good for him but Lilibet managed to get him to shut up by telling him some stuff she heard in a song on an elevator one time, Kay Sarah Sarah, what will be, will be, and Saul said that she put a lot of trust in fate, and Lilibet said she put a lot of trust in faith because she remembered her mother’s lesson, a Latterson brings up religion at convenient times, well it sure seemed to calm down the whining and Lilibet realized then just how convenient Jesus can be sometimes.

    Then Saul took her to her parents house which was perfect, the place she longed to be, but then Saul had to meet her parents, he knew her mother a little bit but nobody else, and they had a million questions, and of course evil Lapril asked if they were going to get married no doubt to throw a ranch into Lilibet’s careful plans, it is easy to be smug when you have a tight grip on your childhood sweetheart, but at least Saul said that he hoped so, which meant that evil slut Shoshanna hadn’t totally bewitched him yet with her slutty native ways, then Lilibet had to give in and kiss Saul goodbye so he would stay faithful, but Lilibet’s wonderful mother Kelly told her not to worry, that lust for a Latterson woman is stronger then any other kind of lust a man can feel.

    Well Lilibet couldn’t move home right away because her summer teaching job was not close enough to her parents’ house and Lilibet hadn’t managed to guilt her mother into giving her a car yet and also for some reason stupid Fatso did not loan her the motorcycle again, anyway Lilibet had a crummy apartment in Mississippi that she had to share with some other girls who fortunately loved her cat Friend but otherwise it sucked, she could only see her wonderful mother Kelly sometimes and poor Kelly couldn’t keep track of Lilibet’s every movement like a proper and caring mother of a 25 year old spinster does, worst of all it meant she couldn’t “accidentally” run into Albany and then keep an eye on him and find out if he was ready to marry her yet or what.

    Fortunately just then her mother Kelly dropped in for a visit and offered to buy her a car so of course they went over to Fatso’s car dealership and Albany was practically tripping and drooling all over himself to get some time alone with Lilibet and so they went for a test drive together and Albany told her all about what a wonderful man he is and how Lilibet should really want to be “friends” with him again and she promised him that they could be “friends” but then she immediately thought it was the wrong thing to say because she should have said something more suggestive than “friends” but still discreet so as not to sound too slutty or available after all you can’t go after a man, he has to go after you, but the way Albany leered at her boobs in her matronly schoolmarm dress, Lilibet knew Albany thought “friends” could mean “husband and wife,” whew, that was a relief, maybe he would get a move on already with the proposing, but no, when the test drive was over he just shook her hand, it was weird, why didn’t he make a move already?

    Fortunately fate or faith or whatever arranged for Lilibet to get a permanent job in Lilborough so Lilibet got to move home, it was perfect, now she was right where she needed to be, living with her mom and dad and even evil Lapril, which was good because her Mom could take care of her and she could help Lapril learn to be less evil and she could make everyone learn to indulge her cat, Friend, and best of all she could be in the town where she wanted to live every day of the rest of her life with her husband, whoever he turned out to be, but it was very convenient that Albany was there in town too, with an empty house and a baby that were just in desperate need to get a wife so it would all add up.

     

  • At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your friend Becky and how she was rude to your other friend and how the sound went out during her performance. Things are very technical these days. I know it can make someone tense when equipment doesn’t work. Whenever our police cars in Ontario Provincial Police get a new piece of equipment, I can get tense when it does not work. I hope your friend got her sound working again, so the people got to hear her music. I guess you will write about that tomorrow.

    You might not think it is true, but your sister likes new technology too. She had been trying to cut her expenses, but calling her everyday long distance was getting expensive for both of us. I suggested we could call on weekends and send e-mails during the week, but she suggested we use Skype instead. I had to buy speakers and a microphone, but it was worth it to be able to talk to my sweet girl for as long as I want for free.

    She wanted to talk to me on Skype right after she got off work and then for most of the evening, and I told her I had to eat dinner and fill out some police reports I had taken to work on at home, and I couldn’t sit by the computer all night and maybe she wanted to do something else after we talked, like feed Shiimsa or have dinner herself. After I convinced your sister it was important for me to eat and do my work which would pay for the energy to make the computer work, she agreed I could do those things.

    Now that we talk using Skype, I am getting a little worried about my sweet girl. I think she is spending all night listening to her laptop. She says to me things like, “What’s that? Is there someone there with you Paul?” And I have to say, “You’re just hearing the sink dripping. I’ll have to fix that sometime.” Or she says to me, “Did I just hear someone’s car coming over to your place? Do you have a visitor?” And I have to say, “That was a train going by outside my window.”

    There is part of constant listening with Skype that bothers me the other way too. Your sister and your ngashi (mother) had a huge fight about Shiimsa destroying things in the house, and I really did not want to hear it. But then your sister said to your ngashi (mother), “Paul agrees with me, don’t you, Paul? As soon as we all learn to accommodate Shiimsa's Napoleon complex we'll be fine.” Of course I agreed with your sister about Shiimsa. I know how important Shiimsa is to her. But I think your ngashi (mother) is not very happy with me.

    My sweet girl has also been spending a lot of time writing her book about Lilibet Latterson and she reads passages of it to me over Skype as she is writing it. Sometimes she says things which sound very familiar. For example, she said Lilibet got a spirit name of White Goose, and I said, “Just like your spirit name.” Then your sister got a little tense and said, “Did I say ‘White Goose’? I must have gotten confused with my spirit name. Lilibet Latterson doesn’t have anything to do with me. I must have meant to say, ‘White Spruce.’”

    Every time I ask about my transfer, I keep getting told it is “in the works.” I hope it comes through soon. I don’t know how much more of all-evening Skype I can take.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, sorry it's taken me so long 2 post. ger an' i r on the way back fr. our movie d8. we had a hella gr8 time!

    paul, i totally know what u mean abt how so much of the stuff soundz so, like, familiar.

    becks, i m really not sure y u were saying that stuff abt opening acts that shdn't try 2 outshine the main act. it wasn't like that @ all. like i sed, we were doing the funny music. u were doing the good, professional-sounding kind. in case u rn't sure, that's a compliment.

    i have no idea what xxactly happed betw becky an' shannon. i just heard abt it fr. stagehands after, since i was so bizzy laffin' w/dunc i really missed it all myself.

    jeremy, sorry abt the probs w/the stage stuff an' equipment. i didn't even know that we had the stage set was "ours", it thot that was just up 4 every1. i didn't understand, i guess.

    apes

     

  • At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, just up 4 every1? it matched ur stage costumes' colouring and patternz. ur uncle phil got outa that coffin. rebecca duzn't have a ghoul comin' outa a coffin in her act. 'course considerin' the way the rest of the gym jam went for rebecca, she prolly wishes she did.

     

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