April's Real Blog

Friday, October 27, 2006

Becky makes her hair big an' Ger and I pout

Well, we really shda consulted w/Unk Phil, but we didn't. That was lame. I am writing this fr. Ger'z fone @ school, we just saw Becky in the hall. She poufed her hair up real big 2day, an' she came up 2 me and Ger, like, "The Hallowe'en party's comin' up, guyz. This'll B the 1st time my band will B playing 4 the school-- an' I am totally pumped! Yr band will B on B4 us, which is pretty cool, actually. A lot of unknown bands wd give NEthing 2 open 4 us." During that last bit, Becks closed her eyez an' gestured @ herself by putting her fingertipz on her sternum, and I got this glarey, eyes-half-closed look. Ger looked @ me like he was worried. Then Becky walked off, with her kilt swooshing like she had her own wind machine in the hallway. I was all, "Becky really ticks me off, Gerald. It's like she's doing the whole school sum gigantic favour by appearing on stage here." [Well, she kinda is, but I was 2 grumpy 2 say so.] And Ger was all, "Well, she is a big name now, April." I got all snitty with, "I cd think of a name 4 her." And Ger matched my snit w/"Me 2...But it wd B impolite in mixed company." Watch out Dunc, Luis, I think when there R no girls around, Ger's gonna tell U the name he was thinking of.

NEway, as U mite have guessed, we're freaking over the Gym / Jam--that's Y we're being like this abt Becky. We know she'z totally gonna rock it @ the Jam, and we know our song like totally sux. I don't know Y we didn't get Unk Phil's input, but we didn't, so we'll prolly just keep rite on sucking.

Well, more l8rz.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:50 AM  

22 Comments:

  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I see you have to endure the arrogant boasting of Becky McGuire once again. I, for one, am looking forward to your taking her swelled, egotistical, slatternly head down a few notches, when your band outshines hers during your school gym concert. I trust that you plan to write about it in your Blog entry and not in your monthly letters only. That way I will know it happened, instead of wondering if it is going to happen or already happened.

    I also appreciate you using the time-honoured Patterson method of insulting someone behind their back without actually insulting them behind their back. “I could think of a name for her.” is excellent. That way you don’t actually have to think of a name for her, but you leave it up to the imagination of your readers to delve into their immoral minds to come up with a name to fill in the spot you have left with your intentionally ambiguous statement. You can take the high ground, while actually taking the low ground as far as name-calling goes. If specifically questioned you can always say the name you were thinking was Jim or Fred or something like that.

    Your boyfriend Gerald is close to the same mark, but by indicating “impolite in mixed company,” he has opened himself up to the spectre of someone who is willing to speak his name for Becky McGuire in front of people of his same gender. It is therefore, a name too delicate for feminine ears. He needs to be around you more often, so he can get it right. It would also be a good test to see if he is trainable and therefore good husband material. Ask him if he can think of insulting but unknown names he could call that slattern Becky McGuire which don’t involve a mixed company.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i rilly don’t know y u were gettin’ mad ‘bout wut rebeccah sed. as 4evah&eva, u have only performed 1 tyme in the mall ovah the summer as far as i know. w/only 1 performance n a mall, ur kinda unknown band. & there r othah bands n skool who wud luv 2 open 4 rebeccah in a school-wide concert. u guys shud get a lotta requests for more gigz, frum the xxposure. it seemz 2 me like rebeccah iz doin’ 4evah&eva a gigantic favour, not the skool.

    az 4 gerald, i gotta say i am glad 2c he’z off the meditation rug, cuz i actually think he’z bettah 4u than luis. but just 2 let u know, when gerald says, “sumthin’ iz impolite in mixed company” wut he rilly means is “around you.” i have heard plenty come outa gerald’z mouth ‘round othah girlz.

    i have heard 4eva&eva play b4 n rehearsal & u guyz will do fine. ur not az polished az rebeccah naturally, cuz she toured all summer, but i am pretty sure ur not gonna embarrass urself. just make sure ur g-string iz n good shape, eh? i mean on ur guitar.

     

  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    This morning was out of the ordinary as you might expect with Jalexis Raye Boel in the house. I was having this dream, how I was in prison, and there was this giant spider on my back which wouldn’t let go, but the spider didn’t feel furry like a tarantula, it was like a Spider-Woman. This made me think of songs from the Kiss of a Spider-Woman musical with Chita Rivera (one of my favourite gay icons), and so I was happy for awhile while I was humming those tunes. But after I had sung through the soundtrack 2 times, the Spider-Woman still wouldn’t let go. I woke up suddenly and found that even though I was snuggling Becky, Jalexis had crawled into our bed and was snuggling me. I said, “What are you doing?” Jalexis said, “I was lonely in the other room sleeping, so I came in here.” I said, “And took off all your clothes?” Jalexis said, “I always sleep in the nude, besides I didn’t bring any night clothes.” I said, “I left some out for you in the other room.” I went to my room and retrieved it and said, “Here, put this on before you wake up Becky”.

    Since I was already up, I decided to start making breakfast. As I was finishing it up, Becky and Jalexis came down and Becky said, “Jalexis did my hair and makeup like her mom’s. What do you think, Howie?” I said, “Well, your makeup is actually very well-done. As for your hair, I think it is pretty obvious that Jalexis’ mom was a supermodel in the 1980s.” Becky said, “What do you mean?” I said, “The hair is a little big. 1980s big.” Becky ran to a mirror and said, “I kind of like it.” I said, “Becky, your hair poofs out all the way to end of your shoulders. If someone thinks you’re big-headed in school, they won’t be far wrong.” Jalexis said, “They say a gay man should know all about women’s hair, but he is wrong this time. Maybe you’re not as gay as you think, Howie?” I said, “Hmph!” And then I said, “Breakfast is ready.”

    At this point, Becky’s mom Krystle and Dr. Ted McCaulay came in for breakfast. Krystle said, “Becky, who is your friend?” Becky said, “This is Jalexis Raye Boel. She’s staying here for a few days, while her dad is in rehab.” Krystle said, “Oh my God. Not the Jalexis Raye Boel, the daughter of Jilly Boel.” Jalexis said, “Yes. That’s my dad.” Krystle said, “I remember seeing him in concert when I was 18 years old. I and my best friend met up with him after the concert and we had a really good time in his hotel room if you know what I mean.” Becky, “Mooom! Don’t tell stories about all the famous people you slept with, particularly not to their daughters.” Krystle said, “What? It was before he met her mother. Besides, Becky your hair looks a lot like mine did then. That’s what reminded me.” Dr. McCaulay said, “You do look almost attractive today.” Becky said, “Shut up, you old pervert.” Jalexis said, “Don’t worry about it Becky. Dad’s 3rd wife is only 4 years older than I am, and his first wife has told me all kinds of stories about dad sleeping around.” Krystle said, “See Becky. Jalexis has the right attitude, and I’ll bet she’s not engaged to a gay man either.” Jalexis said, “Actually I am engaged to a gay man.” Becky said, “No, you’re not!” Jalexis said, “Yes, I am.” I said, “Keep your hands off my good frying pans. I cook with these.”

    Just then Jeremy Jones popped in the door and said, “What’s for breakfast?” Becky said, “What are you doing here?” Jeremy said, “You asked me to come over so we could talk about sound for the Gym / Jam remember?” Jalexis said, “And who are you?” Becky said, “My sound man.” Jalexis said, “I’m so jealous. My sound man is really young, not like your sound man.” Jeremy said, “I’m only 15.” Jalexis said, “And he’s funny, too.” Becky said, “Let’s not go into this ‘Jeremy looks old thing’ again. Howie. Take me to school before I kill Jalexis.” So, then we left.

    On the car ride over, Jeremy was saying to Becky, “The acoustics in the gym stink. We are going to have to have the sound level close to the North American Industry Classification System (NAICS) limit, just to be heard. There’s something different about you. What is it?” Becky said, “My hair?” Jeremy said, “No, that’s not it.” Becky said, “My makeup?” Jeremy said, “No, that’s not it.” Becky said, “Those were your only 2 choices.” Jeremy said, “Oh. I was thinking your uniform looked really good on you today.” Becky said, “Oh. My push-up bra. Jalexis said it helped give shape to a flat and frumpy uniform. Do you like it?” Jeremy said, “Um. Yeah.”

    Becky seemed to be pleased with herself when she got off with Jeremy at school. She was showing Jeremy how she could walk and make her skirt flip out to the side when she turned a corner. He seemed to be suitably impressed.

    That’s it for this morning,
    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your conversation with your boyfriend and your friend Becky, about your upcoming concert. I could tell from what you wrote you were looking for a name to call your friend Becky, and I thought I could offer some suggestions:

    Ozaawindibe – Means to be blond
    Nagamoowikwe – Means a female singer
    Babiizigindibe – Means have curly hair
    I hope one of those will work for you.

    My sweet girl has been writing a lot to you lately about her novel. She asked me to read it to see if I liked it. Of course, I liked it. I like everything your sister does, except moving from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) of course. I said it was very good writing and her character of Lilibet seemed like a woman who had an unhealthy obsession with her childhood sweetheart. That got your sister upset until I said, “For example. You spend time with your childhood sweetheart, but you are not obsessed with him. You told me the relationship was completely innocent.” Then my sweet girl said, “It is innocent. Don’t you believe me?” I said I believed her, but my point was that if I knew her character of Lilibet in real life, I wouldn’t believe her. It was so obvious what she was up to, no one with any intelligence would be stupid enough to get involved with her. I said, “Once the man realized what was going on between her and her childhood sweetheart, he would dump Lilibet to protect himself from heartbreak. I am really glad Lilibet is nothing like you, my sweet girl. You are so talented to write about something you don’t know anything about.” Your sister said, “Miigwetch (Thank you), Paul. I think I have made a decision. I think whenever we see each other; I should be the one visiting you and not the other way around.” I said, “Why is that?” Your sister said, “I want the South to be like a surprise package waiting to be opened, when you finally get your transfer.” Your sister is always looking out for me. It’s one of the reasons I am so in love with her.

    I told this story to Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. She said to me, “Suds (her nickname for me), it’s like Elizabeth is doing you some gigantic favour by appearing for visits here, when it is obvious she has other reasons.” I said, “Well, she does have a spirit name here, Chipper.” Chipper said, “I could think of a different name for her.” I said, “As long as it’s not Waabshki-nika (White Goose) or Kaad-gnebig njnaamod (Snake breath). Those are already taken.” Chipper said, “Don’t worry, it’s not one of those.” I don’t need to suggest Ojibway names to Chipper. She already knows them all, because she is a teacher.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    You got mad at Becky McGuire again and I didn’t even have to wait until Spring. I am so happy. I will look for you to make you feel better about yourself.

    I think you are going to rock out the Gym / Jam. My mom said since it was at school during the day, I could go. I am getting my bumblebee costume ready for the costume contest, unless mom makes me wear something else. I hope not. My bumblebee costume is cube. It has wings and a stinger and I can make a really cube buzzing sound like a bumblebee. I will win the costume contest for sure.

    Since Becky will be at the Gym / Jam performing too, I know you will definitely need me. Don’t worry. I’ll be ready. Even if mom doesn't let me wear my bumblebee costume.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yo howie i h8 2 tell u but mom is 36, so she wuz 18 in 1988, when jilly wuz married 2 bristie crinkley, who as u know is jalexis's mom. that's y i wuz ticked at mom. i'm sure jalexis knows her dad nailed groupies other timez. that is what guy musicians do, whereas girl musicians have hi-profile affairs w/ movie starz an' other musicians in the tabloids. jalexis knows that cuz she's a musician, but she mite have been in denial abt when her mom an' dad were married. frankly i don't need jalexis getting upset an' going krazeeier then she alreddy is.

    i totally agree w/ paul--no1 w/ more then 3 brain cells would blieve "lilibet" and her stupid lies. un42n8ly, i have 2 admit i m totally luvving the story. i think u all know y. xxcept mayb 4 paul.

    becks

     

  • At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    btw, i think my hair is awesum. 80s retro is very hip rite now. just check out all the tapered pants an' the leggings an' i even saw sum pics of jessica simpson in hollywood voyeur wearing leg warmers. so there.

    becks

     

  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Today I am giving a 6-hour science quiz, and it's going to take them a long time because I copied some stuff about "string theory" off of Wikipedia, whatever that is.

    ---
    Chapter 8
    Well with no husband yet Lilibet had no choice but to follow her pretend dream and go up north and so she did, and the natives turned out not to be too bad although some of them were kind of annoying, always peeking in her windows, but Lilibet just figured that Latterson allure must work extra hard on natives or something, kind of like smallpox because they aren’t used to it or something, well anyway, she had a apartment and a job and that seemed like enough for awhile but then it all got to her being so lonely and she realized she had made a terrible mistake, she had had a dream about meeting a handsome native man who would marry her but she didn’t, there were no young single men there at all, just one other old married teacher guy named Terry who was always looking at her a lot and wanted to spend time with her, like he wanted to teach her fishing and kept telling her he had to help her with her posture.

    The worst part was Winston flunked the test, he didn’t call her and he didn’t come visit and he didn’t give her a engagement ring, Lilibet felt totally screwed in the husband department and not in a good way, the only thing she had in her life was a kitten that this little jerk brat from school gave her that she didn’t even want but finally Cory, a teacher from the school named the cat “Friend” for her and told her she had to keep it and Lilibet finally decided that was okay, it wasn’t a husband but if she did turn into an old hag spinster she would need a cat.

    Well naturally Lilibet went home for the holidays because it wouldn’t be New Years Eve if she missed her chance to see Albany and flirt with him in front of his evil crazy jealous wife Kareze, well Lilibet got all tarted up and went to the party and of course Kareze was all big and fat and much less attractive then she was in the past because she was pregnant, and of course it was obvious that Albany wanted Lilibet, and that Lilibet wanted Albany, but of course they did not do anything that could absolutely prove it so Kareze was just wrong and mean to suggest that they were in love with each other, cheeze, wasn’t it enough for Kareze that Lilibet didn’t even have a date for this stupid party and that she had to look like a loser because of it?

    Well Lilibet did the same thing her mom suggested last year and made a big scene about how she had to leave early because she was single and Albany was married to mean old Kareze well naturally Kareze got all angry when Albany innocently helped Lilibet with her coat and offered to walk her to her car, I mean really, even though Albany meant those things in a romantic way there was no way Kareze could know that, well anyway poor poor Lilibet went out into that cold night all alone and of course you know what happened, she fell on the ice and broke her leg, and all poor Lilibet could think was that that none of this would ever have happened if she had had a husband or at least a boyfriend like a normal girl her age, well of course Albany ran out and said it was all his fault, he should have walked Lilibet to her car like a good boyfriend would have, and he got some blankets and wrapped Lilibet up and held her in his arms until the paramedics came, of course crazy-jealous stupid Kareze got all upset in that totally irrational way of hers, like Albany did something wrong or whatever, of course she stopped Albany from going to the hospital with Lilibet but fortunately Lilibet’s friend Fawn loaned Lilibet her fiancé for the night and he turned out to be a swell guy which only made Lilibet realize more that she really really needed a husband.

    Well Lilibet’s mother gave her a ride up to the little native town when the holidays were over and they had a nice talk, Lilibet’s mom pretty much told her to keep trying to go for Albany and hope he would get over his silly attachment to his wife and marry Lilibet, and also listening to some country music made Lilibet feel like Winston was just using her and that he was just a scumbag like Vane which he was, when a girl moves far away from you and never calls, you should stay in love with her like Albany, not run off and get a whole new life and move on.

     

  • At 12:38 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Believe me when I tell you I am well aware your mother is 36 and I am well aware of how old your mother would have been if she had been with Jilly Boel before he was married to Bristie Crinkley, whom Jilly married in 1985. She was either lying about being with Jilly before Bristie, or she was lying about her age, which is even more disturbing. I don’t know much about your mom before she met your dad, since most of her conversations with me about that time have to do with stupid things your dad did during their marriage. I do know that are many activities she did with your dad which would have wiped out some brain cells, so it is likely the truth will never be known.

    Speaking of wiped out brain cells, Jalexis showed up at Sugar’s Salon and has been paying for a shamp-Oh, then getting back in line and paying for another one. I am starting to feel like a ho. Thanks goodness most of my clients are on a fixed income.

    As for your 80s retro hair, I am glad you like it. I really hope you don’t consider Jessica Simpson to be a paragon of good fashion sense. Leg warmers. Boo! If you wore them, then that would a really scary Halloween costume.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 9
    Well there Lilibet was back in that crummy native town with absolutely no single men, it totally sucked, and none of the married men were even worth stealing, it was a tragedy, but there was one bright spot, Lilibet’s mother was there and she stayed for awhile and it was totally wonderful because there is nothing better than sharing your bed with your mom, even a husband is a distant second place, and there was some native learning before Lilibet’s mother had to go home to her store where she had a very busy part-time schedule and Lilibet was left all alone again in the sad and lonely north.

    Well then in March Lilibet’s rotten sister Lapril called her with the news that Albany was a father, of course Lilibet pretended to be happy for him but already she was planning how to punish Kareze for being the wife and mother of Albany’s first child, it wasn’t fair, that should of been Lilibet’s privilege, Lilibet’s mother says there is no bigger honor then pushing the baby of your childhood sweetheart out your loins, whatever those are, Lilibet wasn’t sure but she was pretty sure they are something you eat, anyway, this advice was confusing but Lilibet kind of understood what her wise mother meant, well Lilibet’s plan was to send a really fantastic gift to make sure that Albany had her foremost in his mind on the occasion of his baby’s birth, and of course he was because even though she swore she wouldn’t go Lilibet made her mother go to the money grab, I mean baby shower, that evil Kareze had, so Lilibet’s mother Kelly could suck up to Albany on Lilibet’s behalf and find out all the dirt about how Albany was feeling about the situation, she couldn’t rely on that brat Lapril’s opinions, and Lilibet was pleased to hear that Albany was feeling panic, that’s not a good sign in a marriage.

    So all poor Lilibet had to do in this Podunk town was eat pies that rotten little native urchin boys stole for her, and she felt her ass starting to get fat and jiggly ahead of its time but Lilibet didn’t even care, she was so depressed without a man or even the smallest prospect for a husband anywhere, and it was like Winston just disappeared on her, she had dreamed of him dropping a diamond ring from the sky but it didn’t happen, he never even called anymore, the big jerk, I think someone should write a country music song about how if you won’t do more then hug them, men are jerks who will not ask you to marry them but will look for another girl like the stupid men they are who don’t realize they should want to marry a Latterson girl.

    Well then it was summer again, and Lilibet had to go home for rotten little Lapril’s “grad” from junior high or whatever it was, which was ridiculous because you shouldn’t have a grad before you’re actually gradding from something, and Lapril was trying to hog the spotlight by making a big stupid deal about this grad like it was a real grad or something, anyway Lilibet’s father cheered her up by making mean comments about how it was a fake grad with her all through the ceremony, who wouldn’t love a man like her dad, Lilibet still wanted to find one just like him and of course now she kind of realized Winston probably wasn’t it because her dad didn’t fly a helicopter, the grad was kind of interesting though because Lilibet found out that Lapril is smarter then she looks, she was already working on getting her childhood sweetheart to propose to her, Lilibet was glad that her misfortunes had stood as a good bad example or caution tale for the younger generation of Latterson women.

    Well then Lilibet went to Torrence and Mick and made them give her another landscaping job and then she went to Fatso and got him to give her the motorcycle again, god it is so convenient when your parents are like the “godfathers” of the town, you can get anything you want, anyhow when she went to get her bike back from Fatso he took her over to see Albany, who had his own house and was staying home with his baby Nicoise and collecting that stay at home benefit from the government but also he was still doing some work for Fatso from home, Albany told her how fooling the government is a good way to make your house payment, anyway, Lilibet saw how he was acting like a housewife while his wife went to work and earned more money then Albany and right away Lilibet knew that not only is this unnatural but that Albany must be terribly unhappy because that sort of thing doesn’t add up, I mean women are supposed to love babies and men are supposed to think they are kind of annoying, anyway the trip over there was a success because Albany gave her some longing looks which told Lilibet he still loved her, so there was still hope for his divorce, Lilibet even took to praying for it because her mother Kelly said Lattersons always turn to religion when they want something.

     

  • At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    no, i think leg warmers sound dumb, but i am just using them as a xxample of how the 80s r back, an' of course stupid jessica simpson is a bad role model i mean she made a whole tv show 2 show peeps how she is 1) stupid an' 2) a bad wife, like what kind of publicity is that? orque is way more savvy abt my p.r. then that.

    btw apes, i m a little tired of the jellusy thing. if u an' ur band would work hard @ ur music an' not spend like a whole year on a break, u could b as accomplished as me. but u don't work hard an' u took that long break w/ ur bad self-esteem, so u should not b jellus cuz i wuz working my @$$ off during that time u were sitting on ur butt.

    also, if u think i m acting like i m "doing the school a favor" by performing--which i totally didn't say--actually, if u think abt it, i m. i have 2 albums out. i m a professional musician. i m way higher profile then the peeps who usually play the gym/jam an' i hear ticket sales r way up frum last yr. an' no offense, but u know that isn't cuz of ur band. ur band is good 4 ur level, an' by "level" i mean "how hard u practice" which is nowhere near as hard as me. an' that's cube, i get that u can't act 2 interested in music cuz of ur dad, but really, don't take it out on me if u r not having the success i m having.

    an' if u think abt it, the biggest favor i m doing is asking ur band 2 b my opening act, that is a huge break 4 u guyz. u should learn 2 have "appreciative" as ur 1st reflex, an' not "hateful," "spiteful," an'/or "jellus." just a thot. i mean i know ur a patterson, but sheesh.

    becks

     

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 10
    Well then Lilibet learned from Fatso that Albany didn’t love his wife but was working hard to try and change that, and Lilibet was hopeful, she knew that would fail because who could love Kareze, anyway so Lilibet started her job at Torrence’s plant nursery and immediately she met a man named Broward, who was fat and bald and crude, and who liked to make sexy and sexist remarks to her while she tried to drive the forklift, which was annoying, Lilibet did not know how to drive a forklift so she really needed to concentrate, but later Lilibet saw that Broward was not going to stop asking her out for a date, and that was encouraging, at least she knew her Latterson allure was still working, and even though Broward was homely and crude and would never be a dentist, Lilibet made some remarks that she knew Broward would think was flirting with her because she realized that Broward could be her absolutely last ditch, age 29 and 364 days old plan to get a husband before she turned into a hideous hag nobody would ever marry, even Broward.

    So when Broward followed her home from work, she pretended not to notice, but Lilibet was relieved to see her backup man was paying that much attention, maybe Broward who wasn’t very smart was actually the smartest one of all, maybe he could see that he had a place in Lilibet’s marriage plans, not like Vane and Albany and Winston, so Lilibet was happy when she went away to the cabin for the weekend with her friend Sluttice and her boyfriend who was none other then Vane’s ugly ex-roommate Trudy, which sounds like a girl’s name but is really short for Trudeau which is very distinguished, anyway, Lilibet knew that Sluttice did not really believe in marriage so she flirted with Trudy some that weekend, and even rode him bareback, and they all got drunk and slept in a big pile on the floor and Lilibet made sure to sleep next to Trudy, and “accidentally” rubbed on him in her “sleep,” Lilibet decided that Trudy could be her next-to-last ditch plan for a husband because he was a pretty good guy and she could probably get him to be a dentist whereas Broward is not refined enough to be a tooth doctor.

    Anyway, Broward kept following her home and Lilibet would sit in the window to give him something inspiring to look at, if you know what I mean, but then Lilibet’s father noticed this and even though her father is usually perfect in every way he freaked out and called Broward a stalker and chased him off and wanted to call the police but Lilibet made him swear not to call them, she knew if she got him sent to jail that Broward probably wouldn’t want to be her backup husband.

    The very next day at work Lilibet arranged to be alone in the office and sure enough as she planned Broward came in for a private rendezvous with her, but then things went horribly wrong, you see Broward did not realize that under her modern girl exterior was a girl with old fashioned morals and as it happens Broward believes in sex before marriage, and it wasn’t even the kind Lilibet had with Vane, where she just laid there until it was over, he told her he liked rough sex, and even though Lilibet didn’t know what that was she didn’t like the sound of it so she started screaming, she decided no backup husband was worth this kind of thing and Trudy could just be her last-ditch backup.

    Well then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a great thing happened! This is where I am going to leave a cliffhanger and make you wait for the next chapter, I learned about this from reading great literature, like for example The DaVinci Code.

     

  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear friends,

    You all may have noticed from my darling April flower's report about our conversation that I have chosen of my own volition to revert to my former, more formal way of speaking. No matter what you might hear, I am not making this choice because of Mater's threat to wash my mouth out with soap the next time I use that base vernacular I have been employing over the last fortnight or so.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald Forsythe

     

  • At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    gerald, ah ha! thass the reasn y u stopped sittin' on the meditation rug & talkin' n hip-hop. ur mom iz smarter than i thot.

    by the way, if ur gonna write a name u can call rebeccah on the boy's washroom wall where it iz not mixed company, it iz a rilly good idea not 2 sign ur name. u mite wanna erase that b4 a teach sees it. also, bitchropic iz not a real word.

     

  • At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Your boyfriend is a madre’s boy. He says he stopped talking hip-hop for her, but I know it is because he knew you had seen what a red hot Latin lover can offer a muchacha atractiva like you. If you want to slack off with him, I am the one to get it together with you! It is like my thing. Your boyfriend’s eyes may move off of you to other chicas, but mine never will.

    Luis

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    apes, i m sure u remember back when luis wuz my hot latin luvver. well let me tell u, he is the best kisser evah! i would still b hooking up w/ him sumtimez if i didn't have all this howie drama 2 think abt, bsides, i need 2 go hi profile w/ my bfs frum now on. but u should totally make out with him, hard. ger duzn't have 2 find out.

    becks

     

  • At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 11
    The worst part of Broward’s assault was that all her hair came falling out of her bun, it was awful, Lilibet’s mother had taught her that a proper Latterson woman keeps her hair up unless she is specifically on a man-catching mission like on New Year’s Eve, which everyone knows is prime husband-catching season, anyway, that filthy pervert Broward made her hair fall out, and Lilibet was screaming and thrashing around but not in a way that would actually work to get Broward off of her, it would be too manly of her to actually fight off a man, everyone knows an appealing sort of girl is the kind who needs a man to rescue her, anyway, just like he was reading her mind, suddenly Albany burst into the office and put Broward into a chokehold! Lilibet was so excited as Albany pinned Broward down to the floor and twisted his ear hard, yelling, “Apologize!” but Lilibet warned Albany to be careful, because after all Lilibet still had no man prospects other then Broward and if she did end up having to marry Broward she wanted him to still have two good ears, a man with a missing ear would really mess up the wedding pictures, gosh couldn’t Albany think of her once in awhile?

    Well Albany got Broward to apologize and then he let him go because Albany is not a violent man and anyway Broward apologized for getting a little over friendly with me so it was all fine, anyhow then Lilibet batted her eyelashes at Albany and told him she didn’t know he could fight, and Albany told her he never had anything to fight for before in his whole life except for Lilibet, which Lilibet thought was an excellent sign because that meant she was more important than Kareze and even Nicoise, anyhow, then she told him about how Broward had been flirting with her and Albany told me it scared him, and that made Lilibet happy because it meant Albany was jealous and afraid he might lose her to another man.

    Well then Lilibet told Albany that she refused to think anything bad about Broward because it was her rule of life never to think bad things about anybody and to always believe there is some good in everybody, even in stone killers because they were once somebodie’s babies too and little babies are innocent, anyway Albany was moved by her beautiful life philosophy and he pulled her into his harms tight and told her it was wonderful and that Lilibet couldn’t’ think bad about anybody because she was 100% good, and Lilibet was so happy because she didn’t even have to rub her boobs on him too much before she felt how good he thought he was, and by that I mean that his man-piston was wanting to marry Lilibet right at that moment.

    Well then some landscaping guys came in at just the right moment and told a very funny joke about wishing they had gotten to punch Broward, which was just right because they all needed a giggle just then and you can always count on those gay landscapers to lighten the mood, so they gave Lilibet the day off and Albany said he would take her home because the whole reason he came by was to talk to Lilibet somewhere that Kareze couldn’t catch him, he even took the whole day off work and gave his baby to his mom, which now that I think about it is kind of weird because Albany worked from home and was supposed to be on paternity leave but even though it doesn’t make sense to me that is just part of the story, anyhow, Lilibet and Albany got into his trusty minivan and Albany told her what she had wanted to hear for years—that he still wanted her, that he hated Kareze, everything, but Lilibet was still waiting for Albany to say the magic words, that he was getting a divorce, but he didn’t, so Lilibet had no choice but to scream, “I’m no homewrecker!” because even if a Latterson woman wants her childhood sweetheart to get a divorce which is the most natural thing in the world, she can’t act like a strumpet and look like she is going after a married man open-like.

     

  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Miss Patterson:

    I see that literary genius runs in your family! We here at the Biblio-Basement Publishing House would like to purchase your fantastic literary romance novel, entitled, "The Love Life of Lilibet Latterson." We feel that her life experiences are ones that every modern woman can relate to.

    I will have to wait to pay you until my Dad's Social Security check for November gets deposited, though. What do you say?

    Yours truly,
    Quinton Jones, Publisher Extraordinaire
    Biblio-Basement Publishing

     

  • At 5:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Mr. Jones,

    While your offer is very tempting to me I talked to Lilibet about it some and she doesn't want me to do it, she says that letting lots of people read about her love life makes her feel like her beautiful, special, pure and innocent experiences with the men in her life will be made into just a dirty bunch of stories for boys to think about when they mess with their special man parts, also she doesn't want to try to compete with Sheilagh Shaughnessy, who she feels is a much stronger woman then she could ever be, probably because she is from Irish heritage, those Irish are definitely stronger than us non-Irish could ever be, Lilibet might have more physical beauty and might show like she can hang on through the really hard stuff in life, but the strength that the Irish like Sheilagh reveal in their ability to endure a super-hard life with a jerky sod farmer make Lilibet feel weak and insignificant, she's pretty sure she couldn't put up with Harvey Rood, Lilibet would be getting a divorce and going back to Lilborough, or Devon, or whatever, even if divorce wasn't invented yet, I don't know if it was or not, but that's what Lilibet would do, she just doesn't have that kind of faith, or fate, whichever.

    Anyway, like I said, Lilibet wants you to put all your effort into making Sheilagh the star of your basement.

    Sincerely, Elizabeth Patterson
    Teacher Extraordinaire

     

  • At 6:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. You should reconsider Quinton Jones, Publisher Extraordinaire’s fine offer. Mom has been looking for some reason to praise you for years. I am sure it has not escaped your notice that in mom’s monthly letters, the only 2 nice things she said about you in the last 2 ½ years were: “Liz is becoming a very competent chef and can toss a salad like a pro” and “Elizabeth is an excellent worker to have around Lilliput's”. If you were a published author, then maybe mom would stop paying so much attention to your current, pitiful, unmarried, childless state; which, I hasten to say, cannot help but to improve your marital chances. I am sure it has also not escaped your notice that after spending a significant time with mom, at least 2 of your suitors (that being your constable boyfriend and your helicopter pilot boyfriend) suddenly stopped visiting you. I think Sheilagh Shaughnessy is willing to make the sacrifice for your marital happiness.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, peeps, sorry i didn't get a chance 2 post @ all 2day. the band an' i have been practicing like mad, cuz becks is rite abt that, we hafta do the work an' stop being so complainy an' jealous.

    i hafta admit, being rite b4 rebeccah is pretty sweet an' i shd b gr8ful. i feel sorry 4 whoev goes after rebeccah.

    apes

     

  • At 11:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mike,

    I appreciate your advice but Lilibet and I agree, we don't want our book published, it is just too personal for Lilibet, and besides, I don't mind if Mom spends a lot of time thinking about me getting married because she has really helped me out, she is always working hard to get me boyfriends, like Paul is all her fault and she is always trying to keep me and Anthony a possibility, Mom is really in my corner on this one and I need her help if I don't want to be a spinster, no, this book is just for mine and Lilibet's friends.

    Liz

     

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