Band Practice
Well, as U mite B able 2 tell fr. a couple of the comments last nite, sumthing happed @ our l8est band practice. We were doing a song that Ger wrote special 4 the Halloween Gym/Jam (Becks, Ger totally luvs the song, even tho the rest of the band had, um, suggestions an' stuff abt changing it or doing sumthing else). NEway, every1 but Ger harmonizes 2gether on this one, and we were all singing this part: "1, 2, 3, 4! There'z an evil creepin' up an' it's abt 2 drive U wild!--There R creatures in the shadows, an' they're gonna getcha, child!" Then Luis an I had a duet on this part: "There R witches brewin' poison an' there R phantoms in their stew, an' the graveyards R a rockin'--B-cuz ol' Death is stalkin' U...." Then Ger interrupted, all "WAIT A MINUTE!!!" We gotta put more emphasis on the EVIL part, OK? This is a Halloween show we're doing--not a birthday party!" Just then, Eva went up 2 him, and in2 her mic she was all, "So, who died an' made U king?!!" Ger held a drumstick in the air, all, "GOOD!!! Keep that attitude!" We were all a bit stunned that Ger was taking this so well, cuz usually he flips if he feels sum1 is, like, challenging him, cuz he totally seez himself as the band's leader. But I guess when he thot abt it a bit, he got pissed, cuz he ended up posting this last nite:
BTW, @ 5 PM EDT, Blogger is planning an outage. :(
P.S. 2 Liz: I overheard U an' Mom talking when U were asking her all thoze questions yesterday, an' she totally did not say "Whatever you do, don't breastfeed." She sed, "Whatever you do, don't breastfeed once the teeth start coming in." That was what sheforced got Dee 2 do with her kidz. Don't forget that one of Mom's favourite things 2 tell ppl is, "To say that I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate would be an underst8ment. But once it has teeth, I'm done." FYI, most babies start getting teeth when they are @ or around 6 months old. That what happed w/Merrie an' Robin, an' Mom sez that's also what happed w/me, U, an' Mike when we were babiez.
Yo April flower,Ger, we R not ditching Eva fr. the band! 1st of all, there'z no way we'd get a new vocalist fast enuf 4 the Gym/Jam, let alone sum1 as good as Eva. Secondly, U DO get a bit bossy w/us! We're supposta B, like, a democracy, not a dictatorship let by Herr Ger! Becks, sorry 2 hear Ger went on a mini-rampage over 2 yr house last nite.
Whatup, you recall Eva, the new vocalist for our band? We gotsta lose that crazy bitch, with all due speed. G-Dog won't stand for no bitches getting all up in his face, aiyt? G-Dog's word must always be law, or G-Dog gots t' pop a cap in the ass of any interfering interloper who tries to undermine his authority. Fo shizzle! So, will you break it to her, or do you want me to perform the task? 'Cause if I do it, I might also break that ho's teeth, for reals!
Devotedly, G-Dog
P.S.--Yo, sweet meat, you know of any commercially available cleaning product that could help me erase "and Eva" from my drum? Peace out!
BTW, @ 5 PM EDT, Blogger is planning an outage. :(
P.S. 2 Liz: I overheard U an' Mom talking when U were asking her all thoze questions yesterday, an' she totally did not say "Whatever you do, don't breastfeed." She sed, "Whatever you do, don't breastfeed once the teeth start coming in." That was what she
posted by April Patterson @ 7:10 AM
18 Comments:
At 10:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I must say your story about your boyfriend being browbeaten by another woman resonates with me. It brings me back to every time Carleen Stein passes by me on the porch between our apartments and sniggers, most likely due to our recent borrowing of Weed’s car, because we only have one car to drive between me and Deanna; or glares, when Weed and I spend a late evening out just with the boys. Deanna tells me I shouldn’t get upset, and explains to me that Carleen is a strong woman and as a proper Patterson man, I need to be put in my place from time to time. I have to think about all the coffee mugs to the head dad took over the years and it is difficult to disagree with that logic. So, when I read your story about your boyfriend verbally abused at his rehearsal, I thought, “This is definitely husband material for April.”
The part of your story I did not like was the discussion about me, mom, and breastfeeding. There are some visual images I prefer not to be in my head and that is near the top. Just as unsettling is the image of baby you or baby Elizabeth with razor sharp teeth going for mom’s um…I think I going to get sick now.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I felt something between us when we rehearsed and it wasn’t air. You stood so close to me, I could smell your perfume and the honey of your breath. Are you feeling the love for a hot-blooded Latino, who has a driver’s licence? If you are, give me a sign when I see you in school.
I could be so good for you,
Luis
At 12:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am tired of you always talking to me like you get to boss me or teach me things, you are younger then me, therefore you are supposed to be my inferior and you should learn things from me but not the other way around, and you don't get to correct me, remember I am not afraid to beat you up if you step out of line, just keep that in mind, so listen up when I say you need to stop going on and on and on about breastfeeding because you are just 15 and you don't even have a baby yet so what can you possibly know compared to Mom who had three, which is like the most kids anyone ever had in Milborough, tied with Anne Nichols, but she has a cheating husband and one of her kids came out with extra fingers whereas our family is perfect, so Mom wins, she is like God on all things having to do with kids and you have to keep your mouth shut.
Anyway I asked Mom about your supposed "inconsistencies" in her advice and Mom said that yesterday she was feeling especially annoyed over ungrateful brat children who she bothered to breast feed even though she was like 40 and tired of kids and had thought she was done but then got a nasty surprise, and especially when they turn out to be Martians, and not only that but Martians who are in a loud band, and not only that but Martians who have a boyfriend in that band, who they brazenly kiss in front of her, and Martians who talk about breastfeeding a lot which means she is probably planning on having a baby with her loud band-playing boyfriend very soon, and Mom says that Martian is crazy if she thinks Mom is going to drive her to La Leche League meetings so the Martian can just come home and lecture Mom about how she should of kept breastfeeding even after the teeth came in, or maybe even before that, if the oops baby was just feeling like such a huge burden that day or something. Anyway I think her point was that she used to feel that way about the teeth or whatever but realizing that babies turn into ungrateful bossy Martian brats makes her think they don't deserve her aunty-bodies or something, I got confused by that, I said, "Moms breastfeed, not aunts," and Mom said, "I mean defenses against germs," and I understood that, I said, "You're so right, when April is being a brat, I think we would be better off if she were really sickly and didn't have the energy to run her mouth so much," and Mom said, "Hey now, I didn't name names," but we all know who she means.
Liz
At 12:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
I have a great idea for my own book, I am calling it "The Love Life of Lilibet Latterson," I am going to post some of the chapters here so you can give me feedback, I don't trust Mom, she isn't even a college graduate which you know almost made me think it wasn't important to go to college.
---
Chapter One
Lilibet Latterson was slowly turning into a beautiful girl, it was kind of a surprise if you saw her when she was a teenager with those glasses and the junior navet nose and the shaggy dog haircut, she wasn't totally beautiful yet, but you could see it was coming out bit by bit, of course she would never be as beautiful as her sister-in-law Lee, because she didn't have those full lips of loveliness, but maybe someday, even if it was only on special occasions.
Anyway, one boy in all of the school could see Lilibet's budding beauty and his name was Albany Freckleson, he was no Prince Charming but at least he could see that Lilibet was worth having, which nobody else seemed to ever see, her parents were always favoring her older brother and her baby sister over her, practically forgetting she was alive, and they let her brother abuse her horribly by calling her vicious names so terrible they can't be printed in these pages but rest assured they totally scarred Lilibet, but just on the inside, outside she was a ugly duckling turning into a swan. Albany could totally see this, and not just the outer beauty, but the inner beauty too, that was hidden under the scars and the bad self-esteem, and Albany could see her worth, but of course there were problems, there always are at the beginning of a story, you can't have true love right away or else where is the story? No, Albany and Lilibet were young and foolish, see Lilibet was still not beautiful yet, and Albany was no hottie himself, he had ginger hair and freckles and pasty skin and was a total geek, and so of course at that age when looks seem like they are the most important thing Albany and Lilibet did not recognize the importance of marrying their childhood sweethearts and settling down in marriage with kids as soon as possible, no, instead they were always hoping for something better-looking to come down the road into Lilborough, the town where they lived. So they broke up and got back together a lot of times, and basically couldn't make up their minds, you know how it is when you have to drag out a love story, the breakups might not make a lot of sense but hey if they get together in the first chapter it's a short story and you never saw a romance novel that was just one chapter.
Anyway while they were together, Lilibet and Albany would do lots of steamy kissing but of course they stood in front of the garage where Lilibet's evil family couldn't spy on them, especially her rotten little sister Lapril, who liked to shoot of her big fool mouth about everything since their parents foolishly encouraged her, anyway, the day came for them to go away to college, of course Lilibet chose to go to a school far away and Albany chose to stay close to home, that's how it always is with star-crossed lovers, and Lilibet was still young and foolish, she hoped to meet someone sexier at college, by then her beauty was really starting to come out and she was pretty sure she could snag something better then homely old Albany.
I hope you guys liked that, I will post more later.
Liz
---
At 1:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
Here's more of my book, it's so great, I gave my kids a 6-hour math test today so I could write, now I know what Mike means when he says he gets "the muse," it's kind of like an infection or something.
---
Chapter Two
So Lilibet went off to college and it was time to pick a career, she was really beautiful now and was pretty sure she'd get a husband before long, so she picked a career she knew would help her be a good mom, she picked to study teaching, anyway that's what the girls did in the olden days before they got husbands and actually even now if you think about it, like Miss Edwards, so she chose that career and told everybody it was her passion since a modern woman has to pretend she cares about having a job more than a husband and kids, which is stupid if you think about it, I mean everyone knows babies are more important than anything in the whole world.
Anyhow so Lilibet was at college when she saw the most handsome man she ever saw in all of her life, his name was Vane Hunkerman, and Lilibet knew she could land him if she really wanted to, now she was pretty foxy, she had no glasses and long hair and had even magically gone from having a junior navet nose to having one of those little noses like actresses in Hollywood usually have to get plastic surgery to have, so Lilibet totally did everything she could to make him want her, she went along with everything he said and cooked for him and cleaned for him and sure enough pretty soon Lilibet and Vane were a couple.
Well Lilibet knew that if she wanted to get married right after college she had to hang on to Vane and that was not easy, he was so handsome that women were always throwing themselves at him and let's face it Vane liked the attention so Lilibet knew she had to do something to keep his attention on her, something desperate, even something naughty, so she threw away all her wonderful upbringing and agreed to move in to the same apartment as Vane, that way she could keep an eye on him all the time, and cook and clean for him to remind him how wonderful a wife she would make, and she was really perfect, more than any man could ever hope for, but of course Vane wanted more, like any very handsome rogue he wanted to have sexual intercourse before marriage.
Well of course Lilibet knew this was not right, but she was torn, she knew that she had to make Vane her husband, she had already gone too far, after living with him she would be called a scarlet woman and she had to keep his attention, and make him hers, he was The One and she had to make Vane see that, so you know she had absolutely no choice, NO CHOICE, and Vane was pressuring her anyway, and she was confused, and he was going to get it someplace else if he didn't get it from her, so finally Lilibet succumbed and gave him sexual intercourse, of course she didn't enjoy it because it was outside the bonds of holy matrimony but Lilibet would close her eyes and imagine her wedding and babies and that would make it not so bad, besides, now Vane would see that she was The One, after all when you do sexual intercourse with someone it is obvious that you should marry them.
---
So do you guys feel like this is like a really interesting story that is sweeping you up with the characters or what?
More later, I made that math test really hard!
Liz
At 4:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April flower-ho,
I just about got that "& Eva" shizz scrubbed off my drum, yo! I'm gonna communicate her termination as soon as I locate her, dig? 'Cause your gramps died an' made me king! Fo shizzle!
Much love, G-Dog
P.S.--Got the Gym/Jam covered. MCDunC is gonna be our lead vocalist. Don't you be dissing his fine contribution, you hear me woman?
At 4:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo Lizardbreath,
I am really digging your excellent prose, biatch! Could you maybe describe the sexual intercourse a little more? Also, maybe you could describe Lilibet's boobs. Are they perky? What color are her nips? That would help me get into the story more. Fo shizzle m'nizzle!
Your faithful reader, G-Dog
At 4:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
u know i hate 2 agree w/ ger abt nething, an' u totally know how i don't really want 2 hear about ur sex life, but ger is rite abt this. if u want a romance book 2 sell, u need 2 describe the sex more. also, lilibet has 2 b in2 it. also, lilibet should prolly b more of a ho.
this vane guy sounds totally hawt. u should talk abt what he looks like naked. is he well-hung? i could get totally in2 this story if u described the guyz more. well, vane neway.
becks
At 6:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky and Gerald,
Thanks for the input but this book is not one of those steamy sexy romances, which are good, but this book is about the life and times of an innocent, good girl who has to try to find love despite many setbacks and confusing things on the road of life, but always remember that it is 100% fiction, that is very important for you to understand, even though it is kind of based on my life.
Liz
At 6:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, my gramps didn't die! he had a stroke, but he's alive. how can u say such a horrible thing?
apes
At 6:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Don't worry, April, Gerald and I made up after I bought him the "fo' shizzle gangsta special" double double that Horny T's is selling as a special promo this week.
Eva
At 6:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. I must say, I am quite impressed with your writing skills. If you ever decided to give up teaching school, I am sure I could find a place for you in Portrait Magazine. Some of the writers here are sort of whiny and never seem to take my suggestions about the use of nonfictional symbolism, or alliteration, or multisyllabic words as important parts of a good writing style. But I detect a truth and an honesty in your writing which I must say is more than I detect when I have a conversation with you.
If I were to suggest anything for your story, it would be to remember that as a woman, your character of Lilibet Latterson is definitely stronger than your male characters, Albany Freckleson and Vane Hunkerman. Even though she is a woman who has been forced into a world of harsh deprivation without a husband and children; she has the stamina, inventiveness, faith and fortitude to prevail over any man, through the endurance of the degradations single life will force upon her. The more she has to suffer, the better the book will be.
Other than that, I loved the first few chapters of your book. I am sure if you showed it to a certain young Mr. Anthony Caine, and asked for his advice, it might encourage him to quit stalling and pop a certain question I know you have been anxious to hear.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wussup w/all these rumours ‘bout u & luis getting’ 2gethah? & sum peeps told me they think eva iz tryin’ 2 hook up w/gerald. i knew she had bad taste n men, but i didn’t know it wuz that bad.
by the way, that halloween song u wrote about n ur blog entry stinks. i wud bet evn anthony caine cud write a bettah song. please tell me ur not gonna sing it @the gym jam.
At 7:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Here is some more of my book, I just put random grades on those math tests, they don't really count anyway because they are just quizzes, not like regular scheduled tests.
---
Chapter 3
Well Lilibet's life with Vane was going pretty good, even though Vane's unattractive but kind roommate was still living on their couch and could totally hear everything through the door when she was letting Vane do the sexual intercourse to her, but other than that it was good, after all everyone knew that her and Vane were a couple and were going to get married, and it was just like they were already married, with the sexual intercourse and the dishwashing, except for the part with the roommate on the couch, Lilibet would not have put up with that if it were a real marriage, but she was working on kicking him out, and finally he did go, it was a huge relief and just in time because no sooner then he was gone then Vane started to make very disgusting requests of Lilibet during their sexual intercourse, he wanted her to do all kinds of perverted and vile things like moving around and making noise, it was so disgusting that Lilibet shut her ears to his pleas and told him to just do the intercourse and be happy with that until they were married.
Lilibet thought that had solved everything but then Vane started to be a worse and worse boyfriend, he was never around anymore except for when he wanted the sexual intercourse, she was starting to feel like some kind of drive-through restaurant or something, but at least she knew he was still committed to her because of it and that he understood that he was The One and their marriage plans were on track, even though Vane wouldn't talk about them, that was one of the ways he was a bad boyfriend.
Well Vane always had these excuses like he was studying or at class or at the homely ex-roommate's house or at hockey practice and Lilibet being sweet and innocent and naive believed them, even though her friends all tried to tell her that Vane was no good, Lilibet just couldn't hear their words, she always tries to look very, very, very hard for the good in people, even when it obviously isn't there, that's just one of the marvelous beautiful things about Lilibet.
Well one day Vane said he was gone to hockey practice but Lilibet saw his hockey gear was still at home and so naturally she assumed Vane just forgot it, that's the most logical assumption, so she grabbed his gear and ran over to the rink because when you have a boyfriend who is not acting like he understands he is The One you have to show him even harder that you are perfect wife material, so anyway Lilibet ran over there with the hockey stuff but Vane wasn't there because there was no practice and then Lilibet knew that Vane must be lying to her but why, what could he be doing that was so secret, was it like a school project for extra credit?
But then no, Lilibet was told that Vane had been spending a lot of time with a girl named Hora, and when Lilibet went over to Hora's house she answered the door and Lilibet knew at once that it was not a school project at all but Vane was having the sexual intercourse with this girl too because she had curly hair and if you notice in Lilibet's world everyone with curly hair is pretty much a slut or at least a woman with loose morals, anyway Lilibet let Hora have a piece of her mind right then, she told Hora about how she and Dane were living together and engaged to be married and of course Hora was upset because Vane had lied to her too, although Lilibet still knew Hora was a woman with loose morals because Hora did sexual intercourse with Vane even though she knew he was not The One and they were not engaged. Well Vane tried to defend himself by saying he was confused and Lilibet was like, "Nice try but you can't steal my lines and get away with it," and told him he didn't seem confused about wanting to put his penis in her vagina and Vane said, "Well naturally, every guy wants that, pretty much from any girl who isn't a total hag," and Lilibet felt a wave of something wash over her, and she realized it was pain and hurt, and she asked him why he didn't treat their engagement as special and Vane said they weren't really engaged at all! Well Lilibet said, "Of course we are," and pointed out that even though they don't talk about it it is obvious that they were each other's The One because of the living together and the sexual intercourse but Vane said that wasn't how things worked in the real world, and he could want to do sex things with her and also sex things with other women, and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to be married let alone to Lilibet, but he sure didn't want to break up with her either, seeing as he liked her sexual intercourse and her housekeeping, well that was just too much for Lilibet to take, and Hora was pretty upset too even though her libertine morals let her do sex things with another woman's One she wanted to believe she was his One, so they did the only thing they could do, they got frying pans and beat Vane up.
Needless to say that was the end of that relationship, Lilibet left Vane and wound up living with her old friend Sluttice, who had curly hair and was pretty nice even though she has some modern ideas that do not go at all with Lilibet's old-fashioned morals, but at least Sluttice was there to rescue her and that is the important thing about friends, they are always there when a Latterson needs them, and it helps to give them some help like money to keep them in your corner. Now Lilibet was very depressed seeing as practically everyone knew she was not a virgin anymore she was ruined for any man she might meet at least at college, so she decided the only proper thing to do would be to throw herself into her schoolwork and get used to the idea that she was going to have to be a teacher after all since she would never get a husband now. Every night for awhile Lilibet would put Vane's picture on one of her pillows and beat the crap out of it, he deserved to die, how could he not realize he had to be The One for Lilibet, because that was what Lilibet wanted most of all, but he didn't and she would just have to get used to that disappointment which was very disappointing.
---
More later, Liz
At 7:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
Thank you for your nice remarks, it is really strange to hear nice comments from you about stuff I do but lately I am getting them more and more, you must be improving with age, it's probaby marriage that has fixed you, Dee is a good woman even if she does have a lisp which totally should have been fixed by a speech pathologist in grade school.
One thing I am worried about is your comment about honesty which I think you mean as a compliment but just remember this book is 100% fiction, it is only kind of based on my life, big parts of it are totally made up, you know, to make a better story, also, I am happy to take your suggestions about non-syboliteration and multiliteralism or whatever, but first you have to tell me what they are.
Liz
At 7:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your band rehearsing and your ngashi (mother) breastfeeding. I spoke to my sweet girl about breastfeeding and she mentioned trying it out with Shiimsa. I was afraid her cat had maimed her. My experience with Shiimsa is to not ever let her near tender parts of my body. I think your sister agrees with me now. She tells me she only got a few scratches and nothing which required stitches. She also told me that when she has children they will be fed from a bottle as soon as they get teeth. I was surprised to hear that. I was sure my sweet girl would be more motherly, since your ngashi (mother) is such a fine woman. Your sister said to me, “I will be just as good a mother as my mother was. I don’t want my children to resent me, because I forced myself to breast feed, instead of doing things which are more important in life.” I said, “What things are more important?” Then she told me about the new story she is writing and she was thinking of getting involved with a local astronomy club. I was very happy to hear she is doing things where she doesn’t spend so much time with her friend Anthony.
I mentioned to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) about breast-feeding and stopping when the child gets teeth. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). Every woman has to deal with teeth there, if they are going to be serious about breastfeeding.” I said to her, “You’ve done breast-feeding?” Chipper said, “No, Suds. But I know plenty of women who have. The next time you’re in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I would be glad to show you their technique.” I said, “You know a woman who will let me watch her nurse?” Chipper said, “No. But I know a good substitute. Trust me, Suds. After I am done with you, you will know all about breasts and how to properly suckle them.” I am looking forward to my next visit to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). If I take good notes, maybe I can pass them on to Elizabeth, so she won’t be so afraid of baby teeth.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. It is difficult not to compliment you when you are at long last pursuing your goals to your ultimate happiness. The 2 years you were up in that place, wherever you were for the last 2 years, you were definitely headed in the wrong direction. You were living on your own, among people who were not your relatives, and you didn’t have a boyfriend. But now, you are living with mom, working in Milborough, surrounded by family, and well on your way toward a very happy ending to the story of your life, which I completely understand is nothing like your 100% fiction story. Believe me, I hate it when people think I am writing about my life, when I am not. I have some downstairs neighbours who believe an article I wrote about terrible downstairs neighbours living below me, was about them because they are terrible downstairs neighbours living below me. Nobody knows better than I do, how good writing “reflects” parts of your life, but is not your life.
As for “nonfictional symbolism,” or “alliteration,” or “multisyllabic words”; you don’t need to know what those are, since you seem to use them naturally in your writing. If I told you what they were, it might ruin your unique style and insight in the strength of the modern woman. Beating up a man with frying pans!! That was excellent!! I can just see it happening.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
Paul,
I'm not sure I promised to breastfeed until there were teeth, I said I would try until I felt some resenting coming on, and actually I am kind of already resenting it because I do not like the idea of people talking about my boobs like this, I mean really, why on earth are you telling Susan Dokis about them, if this is what happens when you breastfeed I am not going to do it, my kids can just suck on bottles, I mean really, what's the difference, and don't give me a lot of crap about how it's healthier, I don't care, there is nothing more important than keeping people from talking about your private things in public like you did with Susan, cheeze, my kids aren't even here yet and already it's happening, what about me made you think that I like people talking about my private stuff? Double cheeze this is the whole reason I left Mtigwaki to get away from you nosy mouthy people and now I found out even though I'm gone people are still talking about my breasts, did you even go tell Jesse Mukwa about it, sheesh!
Liz
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