Mom an' Uncle Phil Have a Convo Establishing Stuff Already Established in the Family Letters
Do U follow my fam'z monthly letterz? If U do, 2day's blog entry's just gonna feel like a rerun. Sorry abt that, peeps. The way we tell our storiez just gets kinda weirder and weirder sumtymez.
So, leaving the hospital, U'd think Uncle Phil had only just gotten there, insteada having been here, like, a coupla weeks. I think it's just cuz Mom meant 2 have this convo when he 1st arrived, but she 4got, and she decided 2 slip it in now like it's normal 2 bring it up all this time l8r. Mom was all, "U don't have 2 stay @ a hotel, U know. We have room @ the house." He was like, "Thanks, Sis... But the hotel is closer 2 the hospital." Also, they have room service [no Mom food] and privacy [no Mom] but I think he was being polite, eh? Mom, not wanting 2 drop it, was like, "U have 2 practice yr trumpet every day. How R U going 2 practice in a hotel?" Unk Phil was like, "I'll use the mouthpiece. ...It hardly makes NE noise @ all!" The last time I spoke w/him, he told me abt sitting in his hotel rm, playing his mouthpiece, all "BWEEEE AAAAPP BWEEP, BWEEEP BWAAAAHHHPPPPP BRAPPZZ BRAATICATAT ITCA TATICA TA AAAHHH..." Then, he thot he heard a smacking sound from a neighbouring hotel rm, a man's voice going "UH?!!" and a woman's voice yelling, "That's it, Lou! U're gonna have that nose surgery 4 sure!" Uncle Phil thot abt knocking on their door 2 clear up the confusion, but then he thot that if this guy's ongoing nose problems allowed his wife 2 believe the mouthpiece sound came from that nose, then prolly the nose surgery was a good idea, so no harm.
NEway, sorry again 4 the "rerun" feel of this post. I hope we won't have more, like me thinking I'm seeing U.P. 4 the first time and stuff like that.
Apes
So, leaving the hospital, U'd think Uncle Phil had only just gotten there, insteada having been here, like, a coupla weeks. I think it's just cuz Mom meant 2 have this convo when he 1st arrived, but she 4got, and she decided 2 slip it in now like it's normal 2 bring it up all this time l8r. Mom was all, "U don't have 2 stay @ a hotel, U know. We have room @ the house." He was like, "Thanks, Sis... But the hotel is closer 2 the hospital." Also, they have room service [no Mom food] and privacy [no Mom] but I think he was being polite, eh? Mom, not wanting 2 drop it, was like, "U have 2 practice yr trumpet every day. How R U going 2 practice in a hotel?" Unk Phil was like, "I'll use the mouthpiece. ...It hardly makes NE noise @ all!" The last time I spoke w/him, he told me abt sitting in his hotel rm, playing his mouthpiece, all "BWEEEE AAAAPP BWEEP, BWEEEP BWAAAAHHHPPPPP BRAPPZZ BRAATICATAT ITCA TATICA TA AAAHHH..." Then, he thot he heard a smacking sound from a neighbouring hotel rm, a man's voice going "UH?!!" and a woman's voice yelling, "That's it, Lou! U're gonna have that nose surgery 4 sure!" Uncle Phil thot abt knocking on their door 2 clear up the confusion, but then he thot that if this guy's ongoing nose problems allowed his wife 2 believe the mouthpiece sound came from that nose, then prolly the nose surgery was a good idea, so no harm.
NEway, sorry again 4 the "rerun" feel of this post. I hope we won't have more, like me thinking I'm seeing U.P. 4 the first time and stuff like that.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:56 AM
11 Comments:
At 9:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I guess mom has not shared this story with you properly. For a guy who has only seen his family 3 times in the last 7 years, Uncle Phil doesn’t seem to be very social. I barely remember even seeing him at Elizabeth’s graduation and my wedding. I am beginning to suspect that there must be some bad blood in the family between Uncle Phil and someone else. I wonder who it is and why it is. Could it be that thing he had with Connie Poirier a long time ago? Could it be dad’s opinion about professional musicians being unhappy and friendless? It’s a mystery.
But in any case, every time mom sees Uncle Phil at the hospital, she comes up with a new reason why he should stay at her house instead of at the hotel. The fact she was using his trumpet practice as a reason should tell you how far down the list of items she has gone by this point. The more reasonable ones like:
1. You can save money on a rental car, and as a musician you must need to save money.
2. You can spend more time with the family you haven’t seen much in the last 7 years.
3. You can see all the new things I have done with the house. It’s really clean now I have retired.
4. April looks a little older than 8 years old, even though that’s how she looks in all my Christmas card pictures.
5. You can get some good home cooking, made from a variety of neighbours on the casserole tree.
6. The beds are much better in my house than in a hotel, certainly a Mexican hotel.
7. We have a new bunny since the last time you visited and April can tell you about the miracle of the last one’s death.
8. John wants to show his new Crevasse, and he promises not to bring teenaged boys with him.
She has already done those and Uncle Phil has rejected them all for one reason or another. Anyway, it’s not really a repeat from the monthly letters. It’s more like a continuation. You should be glad mom doesn’t call you to tell you this story every time Uncle Phil rejects her.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:55 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky popped me across the head last night and woke me up and then she was sticking her hand down my throat. She said to me, “Howie. You were saying, ‘Bweee aaaappp bweep, bweeep bwaaaahhhppppp brappzz braaticatat itca tatica ta aaahhh…bwaaaaaap’. There’s something in your mouth restricting your breathing.” She reached in my mouth and pulled out a naked juice bottle cap. I was gasping for air when she pulled the cap out. Becky said, “Howie. I am so sorry. I promise not to drink any more of these in bed. I thought I was going to lose you.” I said, “It’s a good thing you were here to save me.” Becky said, “Or I didn’t mistake those sounds you were making for someone practicing on a trumpet mouthpiece.” I said, “A trumpet mouthpiece doesn’t make those kinds of sounds.” Becky said, “You think?” I said, “Through my opera connections, I have done enough trumpet players to know what a trumpet mouthpiece sounds like.” Becky said, “It doesn’t matter. What’s important in a crisis is that people stick together and don’t go running off doing their own thing. I’m sticking with you Howie.” I said, “I’m sticking with you too, Becky.” We snuggled a lot after that. There’s nothing like getting a naked juice bottle cap stuck in your mouth while you are sleeping to help you appreciate the important things in life.
Howard Bunt
At 10:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) trying to convince your nimishoo (uncle) to stay at her house. When I tried to ask Elizabeth about your nimishoo (uncle), she didn’t know if he was staying at your house or somewhere else. When I asked what your nimishoo (uncle) was like, she barely even remembered him at all. She said to me, “Paul. Sometimes it is like I live in a whole different world than the rest of my family, even though I am living in the same house.”
I told her I know how that is. Being a member of the Ontario Provincial Police, when I visit my family in White River, it is like I walk into a world full of my people’s ways and customs and I have to adjust myself back into my family. For example, in the Ontario Provincial Police, native humour is considered to be insensitive. Some people think native humour is making fun of someone, when it is really showing affection for someone by poking fun at one of their faults or things they do. The managers at the Ontario Provincial Police will send you to sensitivity training if you use native humour too often. But when I go back home, all my family does native humour, and I think at first they are being insensitive to me. Then I remember that native humour is not really insensitive. It is funny. It is like I live in a whole different world than my family, when I am working in the Ontario Provincial Police.
After I told this to my sweet girl she said, “No, Paul. I mean really a whole different world. People keep on asking me how my mishomis (grandfather) is doing, and I can’t remember if there was something wrong with him. Or you ask me if my nimishoo (uncle) is staying with us or not, and I don’t remember seeing him since my graduation from university. What I do know is I have Anthony as a moral support and he is very real and extremely domesticated. I don’t have any problem remembering him.” I told her maybe she could spend less time with her friend Anthony and she could visit her mishomis (grandfather) in the hospital or try to spend some time with her nimishoo (uncle) and maybe they wouldn’t seem so strange to her. But she didn’t think that was going to happen anytime soon. Thanks to your writings though, when I talk to her next, I can tell her that your nimishoo (uncle) is staying in a hotel closer to the hospital and not at your house.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i saw zandra larson n skool 2day & i sed, “did u try the dampener on eva, yet? did it work 2 keep duncan frum goin’ off w/eva?” zandra sed, “not yet.” i sed, “u have 2 use it every day. how ru gonna get duncan away frum eva, if u don’t use it?” zandra sed, “get off my back, jeremy. i am definitely gonna use it, but wen i do i don’t want eva 2 make ne noise ‘bout it @all. othahwise peeps who don’t know wut’s goin’ on mite think sumthin’ iz goin’ on thass not wut iz rilly goin’ on.” i guess that makes sense. i can’t w8 2c wut happs wen zandra triez it. mebbe i can get eva back az my gf. y do i say that? she went off w/duncan. i shud nevah wanna b w/eva again. but i do. i still wunt eva az my gf. wut iz wrong w/me? i can’t think str8 ‘bout her.
At 11:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
As it seems to be a very slow week in town, with nothing much happening other than the odd visit from relatives and such, I thought I might use this space to bring a matter of some importance to your attention. The entire force is on alert for an offender known to law enforcement circles as "The Sicko Stargazer." This pervert has been seen in vacent lots late at night, using a small but powerful telescope to peer into the bedroom windows of pre-teens and elderly women. When confronted, he insists he is an "astronomy buff," and flees. As most of these incidents have occured on heavily overcast evenings, when no stars at all were visible, we eventually became suspicious. The perpetrator is decribed as average height and build, heavily mustachioed, possibly looking far older than his actual age, with an effeminate aspect. Please advise if you see or know of such an individual, as we believe his apprehension could clear up not a few missing persons cases in the province.
Very truly yours,
Sgt. Royalson
At 6:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, sgt royalson, that soundz like a description of anthony!!!
mike, watch out, i heard mom saying she was abt 2 call u w/another "phil xxcuse".
howard, omg, that must've bee scary having a bottle cap stuck in yr throat!
paul, liz has seemed like she's living in her own world l8ly, tho i kinda felt like she was, like, doing that on purpose.
zandra, nething 2 report yet?
apes
At 8:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno y zandra didn’t rite, but i’ll tell u wut i know & zandra can fill n the rest if she wunts. @the end of skool, i wuz headed out of my last class wen i saw zandra & her little bro w/a camcorder headed ovah 2 eva & duncan. i sed to zandra, “ru finally gonna do it? wut’z ur bro doin’ here, outa skool?” zandra’z bro sed, "my teach nevah notices i am gone, if i tell i her i am gonna check a trap line. and this iz gonna b more interesting neway. i am zandra’z backup n case eva takes her down with her class 5 mutant powerz." zandra shushed him. then she went up 2 duncan & sed, “duncan. we have a d8 2nite. say goodbye 2 eva & let’s go.” duncan looked confused. eva sed, “duncan has already gone 2 pasture n my fields. duncan iz comin’ w/me. u shud find sum othah guy 2 depress. come on duncan. i’ll rustle u up sum leftovah turkey @my place.” & she smirked a big smirk @duncan & i guess since i wuz close enuff, my head jerked 2 look @eva’z breasts, like duncan’z did.
zandra took the dampener out & she sed, “no, cowboy eva. duncan iz my bf. he’z comin’ w/me. isn’t that rite?” duncan looked confuzed. eva sed, “sorry, z-girl. he’z mine.” & she smirked again. this tyme sumthin’ strange happed. 4 the v. 1st tyme, wen eva smirked i cud c her teeth. she hadda little piece of beef jerky in the bottom row. i wuz kinda distracted by that, till i realized i hadn’t looked @her breasts. the dampener wuz workin’.
eva sed, “wut’s that u got there?” zandra sed, “a little device 2 keep bf-stealers like u frum stealin’ bfs.” eva sed, “ru challengin’ me 2 a gunfight?” zandra sed, “no. i don’t believe n gunz. but duncan iz comin’ w/me.” eva sed, “let’s c wut this speshul pistol u got can handle.” then eva smirked a huge smirk. it’s wuz prolly the biggest smirk i have evah seen her do. again, i wuz lookin’ @her teeth. the dampener worked again.
zandra sed, “ru reddy 2 go, duncan? i don’t think ur gonna hafta worry ‘bout cowboy eva nemore.” eva sed, “i am not done yet.” then she smirked again. it wuz like the mother of all smirks & i cud tell eva wuz rilly workin’ hard 4 this smirk. az she held her mouth n the smirkin’ position, she wuz sweatin’, & little sparks started comin’ off of her. then the dampener n zandra’z hand went "bweeee aaaapp bweep, bweeep bwaaaahhhppppp brappzz braaticatat itca tatica ta aaahhh..." & burst n2 flamez & zandra dropped it on the floor. it wuz kinda sittin’ there sparkin’ & stuff. then eva, who wuz pantin’ & sweatin’ sed, “duncan iz my bf. i won.” zandra & her bro looked a little scared then. her bro sed, “she iz a class 5 mutant. i knew it.”
then we heard a big male voice boomin’ ovah @the end of the hall. it wuz eva’z dad. he wuz yellin’, “eva abuya! i felt that all the way home. ru stealin’ bfs again? how many tymez do i hafta tell u, a true bf iz 1 who chooses u 4 urself?” eva looked scared. she sed, “but daaaad. she wuz usin’ a dampener on me.” eva’z dad looked @the smokin’ equipment on the floor & sed, “hum! nigerian design. piece of junk. but if a girl iz willin’ 2 uze a dampener, then that meanz u have pushed 2 far. wut iz the rule?” eva sed, “a true friend makes their own choices.” eva’z dad sed, “& wut do u say 2 ur little skool friendz?” eva grumbled & sed, “i’m sorry. i didn't mean 2b insensitive. i shoulda let duncan make hiz own choice.” duncan sed, “my own choice ‘bout wut?” i sed, “’bout whether u wunt zandra or eva 2b ur gf.” then eva & zandra both looked @duncan 2c wut he wuz gonna do & he just stood there & didn’t say nethin’. @least thass wut he wuz doin’ wen i left. i wuz standin’ there 4 a little bit, wen it kinda came n2 my head duncan had 2 totally hott girlz wantin’ him & i had nothin’. i dunno wut happed next cuz i left, & i kinda don’t care. mebbe zandra will tell u, if u wanna know.
At 9:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, jeremy, that musta felt really bad! thanx 4 lettin' me know what happed. sorry abt the whole gf sitch.
apes
At 11:51 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
April,
It was pretty much as Jeremy said. Charles Wallace had said that there were problems with the dampener--he pointed out to me that I wasn't near Duncan very much during the school day, what with me being in grade 12 and him in grade 10, so I'd have only limited ability to use the dampener. However, I used it after school. Eva smirked, I jammed on the pager thingy. We did that two or three times. Charles Wallace was around to observe 'in case anything happened'. Her final smirk broke the dampener, but then her father showed up. Who knew Nigerian superboyfriendbrainwashers could get into trouble? The dampener was in pieces. Jeremy was looking at Eva, I was looking at Duncan, and he was looking blank. Then, he suddenly collapsed. Charles Wallace was saying, "Cool, one of you has class 3 at least mutant powers! Great!" On the other hand, it didn't really seem like anything got solved. I called Duncan's mother, and Charles Wallace and I waited for her to get him. Then we argued about alleged mutants and alleged superpowers.
"Charles Wallace, there aren't any class 5 mutants. I keep on telling you that."
"So everything you've said about the X-Men isn't true? Is Wolverine still Canadian?"
"Yes, he is, but he doesn't live in a duplex in Etobicoke."
"Damn." Duncan's mother showed up at that point and I got to explain to her what happened.
At 12:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
As usual it is your irrational Anthony hate that is making you accuse him of all sorts of sick things he doesn't do, Anthony would never look in the windows of other women, if he was going to look in someone's window it would be mine, not some other girls, remember, even when he was married to that French slut I was the only woman for him, and I heard those French girls know some very filthy sex tricks, that's what Grandpa used to say anyway, that those girls he met in France could do the most disgusting things you could ever imagine with ping-pong balls and long strands of pearls and something about a mint candy in their mouths while they were working in a salon blow drying peoples' hair, though I don't know why that is a dirty sex thing, but anyway, Grandpa would know, he was over there during the war, I remember one time how he went off on those stories about all the hookers he knew in France, and Mom said he fell into a nest of wicked rug makers, which is funny if you think about it since hookers are also prostitutes and Grandpa said his rug makers knew dirty sex stuff, what a coincidence!
Hey, how come nobody has been telling any of those hilarious stories about rude stuff Grandpa says lately?
Liz
At 3:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Wait a minute, is the question you have been trying to ask me if I have gone to see Grandpa since his stroke, because if it is, I have, I went with Mom to the hospital one time because I had an appointment to see a new doctor there to get a prescription for pink eye which I have caught three times since I got my new job at Glenallen, these kids from the Big Smoke are so disease-ridden compared to the Native kids, I am glad that I did not spread pink eye up there and make the Native kids all die because they are not resistant to pink eye, like with smallpox and whatnot, anyway that's what I was there for, not for any birth control or anything if that's what you're thinking, I don't need that.
But anyway I stuck my head in his room on the way to my appointment while Mom was in the hallway trying to shove Iris out of the room, insisting she needed to take a break or go home or something, well I just poked in and said, "Hi Grandpa, gosh you look terrible!" and Grandpa said something I couldn't understand, it was all garbled, and I said, "You need to speak up and enunciate, Grandpa," like I tell my students, and he kind of moaned louder, so I went closer and said, "Come on, Mumble Mouth, nobody can understand you when you are so lazy about your diction!" and he went, "Aaaaauuuuugggh," and I went closer and said, "Grandpa, come on now, the cat can't have your tongue, I left Shiimsa at home!" and I leaned in real close so he could see my sticky-outty tongue laugh because he didn't have his glasses on, and when I did that, he went like this:
Eh-lee...Eh-lee...yuuuuhhh...uhhhh...ugggg...gug...gug...
And he was pointing at his throat, which was weird, it was like he was trying to make sign language but I told him I don't really know any sign language, and then Iris tried to shove past Mom and she stuck her head in the room just long enough to say, "He wants a drink of water from his sippy cup!" and then Mom got her shoved out of the room again, good old Mom, she always knows how to make someone take a break even when they aren't good at taking care of themselves. Well I gave Grandpa his mug and said, "Bye Gramps!" and skipped off to my appointment, I was happy because Grandpa gave me the best compliment in the world, he said I look like a young Mom, isn't that fantastic, I'm so excited, that's my dream come true, I was so happy when I went to my appointment that I didn't even care when they did that special lady parts exam for my pink eye prescription.
Then after my deposition I had a stupid conversation with Mom, it was really annoying, okay so I went straight home and put on a pink shirt and started to grade papers and when Mom came in she wanted to talk about the deposition, it was so insensitive, sheesh you know how she taught me to push my feelings deep down and not share with anyone but her, but when she wants me to share with her it makes it hard to keep them smashed deep down like in a ball of pain and anger in my stomach you know? So I lied and said "OK" and changed the subject to Uncle Phil who you so kindly informed me was in town, well of course that got Mom blabbing about how he is at a hotel and then some stuff about Grandpa that I didn't even ask about. Blah blah got up, blah blah in the shower, like I want to think about my Grandpa in the shower, blah blah knows it's her, can't talk, hard to move, blah blah blah, like she couldn't see I was trying to grade papers in my special paper-grading pink shirt and everything, so totally rude, it's like she thinks her day is so important compared to mine, I mean she thinks one person with a stroke is bad, I have eight students out with pink eye and it's not like Native school where they let the student catch up at his or her own pace, no, I have to make sure they get caught up within a week or they will be behind on all those stupid tests we have to give.
Well then Mom said that Grandpa doesn't recognize Uncle Phil, and she was pretending to feel bad about it, but you could see she was a little bit pleased like this proved she was the best and most favoritest child, so I decided to be really mean, so I decided to tell her about how Grandpa told me how I look like a young Elly, but in the meanest way possible without being obvious, I made that face, you know the one, where I look like a doll, and blinked, and said, "I know, when he saw me, he thought I was you...but younger!", then I batted my eyelashes a lot to look innocent while Mom started to fume, but it was weird, she didn't, I was so surprised, she just looked sad and said that the worst thing about a stroke is the waiting because it takes time for the brain to heal, and for a person's abilities to return, and then she looked thoughtful but I was confused, and I said, "Can that happen, I thought he was just going to die," and then Mom looked super-depressed and went away, which was what I was hoping for, because then I could get back to my grading and doing make-up lessons for the pink eye kids.
Liz
Post a Comment
<< Home