All about "Francie"
When Anthony was showing Liz his home renovations on the day they did thoze "depositions", part of the tour was his new deck out back. Liz was all beside herself, like, "Anthony! U did all this work by yrself?" And he sed, "Pretty much! [Weasel words!] I enjoy carpentry!" Gah, that's sure to give him more Patterson sealz of approval. As they went back in2 the house, Anthony was like, "Francie's in2 everything now, so I've kid-proofed the place." OK, w8 a flaming second. HE kid-proofed the place? I seem 2 remember I friggin' kid-proofed that baby-deathtrap! So I guess when Anthony sez he "pretty much" did all the work on his home renovations, that means he stood around drinking coffee an' gawking while the contractors did everything. And did U notice he's calling Françoise "Francie" now? I guess he considers "Françoise" too French now, eh? But where was I? Oh, rite, so they were going down the basement stairs as Anthony was being all, "--And, I built her a playhouse in the basement." And Liz was all agog over that: "U built a playhouse?" And he was all, "Yep!--It's even got a fence around it!" He sed this as Liz was leaning over the metal fence 2 admire the playhouse which I'm sure he "built" much like he supposedly kid-proofed the house. The little house was, like, in one corner of a 10 X 10 km chain-link fence. And she sed she was ready to climb in and start playing with all the toys that were confined in2 that space b/cuz it really "brought [her] back". Ooh, toddler prison! How wonderful 4 the development of an 18-month-old! Ugh, Liz, resist the gravitational pull of Granthony. She also noticed he had two mugs in his work area, one by his laptop and the other on the floor by the wastepaper basket. And a beer can on the opposite side of the lappie. "April, he likes to strew his beverages about, just like me!" Erm, yeah.
Liz was all, "April! Anthony is such a wonderful father and provider for little Francie!" And when I was, like, "So where was little 'Francie'?" She was all, "Huh, wha? Oh, I don't know. W8, I mite know, but I probably won't remember until l8 2night or early 2morrow morning. If @ all. All I can think is that Anthony is a wonderful father/provider who loves carpentry! Just like a Patterson man! Hm, I wonder if Paolo, er, Pablo, er, my current love is in2 carpentry. I'll have 2 ask him next time he calls me!"
Erg. Becks, thanx 4 sending me that pic of Anthony with the vibrator stuck in his mustache hair. I agree w/what U sed in yr e-mail, that one def needs to B circul8ed all over the net!!!
Apes
Liz was all, "April! Anthony is such a wonderful father and provider for little Francie!" And when I was, like, "So where was little 'Francie'?" She was all, "Huh, wha? Oh, I don't know. W8, I mite know, but I probably won't remember until l8 2night or early 2morrow morning. If @ all. All I can think is that Anthony is a wonderful father/provider who loves carpentry! Just like a Patterson man! Hm, I wonder if Paolo, er, Pablo, er, my current love is in2 carpentry. I'll have 2 ask him next time he calls me!"
Erg. Becks, thanx 4 sending me that pic of Anthony with the vibrator stuck in his mustache hair. I agree w/what U sed in yr e-mail, that one def needs to B circul8ed all over the net!!!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:34 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:21 AM,
Luann DeGroot said…
April,
hey, don't they sell those little playhouses @ toys'r'us & the home improvement store, & a bunch of other places? all put together & everything? does "building" a playhouse consist of buying 1, taking it downstairs, & putting a dog fence around it?
i think it's time 2 call Anthony's social worker again...
Luann
At 10:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about Elizabeth going with her friend Anthony to see improvements he made to his house. When I talked to my sweet girl, she said she was proud of her friend and all the things he accomplished. She was very excited to tell me about the deck and the children’s playhouse with a fence he had in his basement. Elizabeth said she was very happy to see her old friend was taking care of his child.
I have to tell you she did give credit for childproofing the house at first to her friend Anthony. I said to my sweet girl, “I guess Anthony had the usual door-knob covers and door locks on the door handles, breakables like coffee cups out of reach, had his trash can with a lid and inaccessible, bumpers on the sharp corners and edges of his furniture, placed indoor plants out of reach, screwed-into-the-wall safety gates at the top and bottom of stairs, handrails on the stairs, a playpen with mesh or slats and not wires, no toys with small or detachable parts, play structures with no sharp edges or small removable parts, a fence with a locking gate around the outdoor play area.” Your sister said, “That’s not proper childproofing. How would you know about childproofing?” I said, “Elizabeth. I am a policeman and proper safety is a part of my training.” My sweet girl said, “Anthony had handrails on the stairs. You know maybe Anthony didn’t do the childproofing on his house. I seem to remember April doing it.”
Then your sister said, “You should have seen the deck though. It was very impressive.” I said, “What did he have on it?” Your sister said, “What do mean?” I said, “When you came to visit me, remember the deck I showed you that I and my mishomis (grandfather) had built for my nimishoo (uncle) with the gazebo off to the side and the deck was in a circular shape with the slotted wood. I mean details like that.” Your sister said, “It was a very nice rectangle with a rail all around.” I said, “Any steps up to the deck from the backyard?” My sweet girl said, “Why would he need that?” I said, “To get to the backyard without having to jump over the deckrail or having to go through the house.” My sweet girl said, “Why would he want to do that?” I said, “Maybe his daughter is playing in a sandbox on the lawn outside the deck, and he needs to get to her.” Elizabeth said, “You know maybe Anthony wasn’t responsible for leaving out the stairs. I seem to remember that was April’s job.” I said, “April’s job?” Elizabeth said, “Paul. I don’t want to talk about this any more. Anthony is a great carpenter. If you had seen the work he had done, you would been impressed just like I was. It’s easy to criticize someone when you are far away and never visit and haven’t gotten your transfer yet.”
That conversation did not end as well as I would like. When I mentioned it to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, she said, “Suds (her nickname for me), that’s the way it is in the South. Around here, where the main industry is logging, even the little ones can build things if they can afford the lumber. But in the South, anyone who builds the slightest thing is a superhero. Things are a lot different in the South.” I said, “So, when I get my transfer, I will be like a superhero to Elizabeth?” Chipper said, “Maybe. Maybe not. I can’t tell how she thinks. You’re already a superhero to me, getting that dead skunk out from under the teacherage.” Chipper knows the right thing to say to make me feel better. That’s what makes her such a good friend.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I have never been entirely sure why you seem to dislike Anthony Caine so much.
When I think about the precautions Anthony has taken to make sure little Francie does not get out and about his house and endangering herself, it actually is a shining example to me. In my little apartment, I can tell from the trail of stickers where my children have been and there seems to be no place they can’t go and nothing that can stop them. It hasn’t been so long since my daughter had her accident riding "Tootie the Tricycle Trout" down the stairs and breaking her arm, after all. I wish we had enough room in our apartment for a 10 X 10 km chain-link fence around our children’s play area. Of course that might not stop them, since our daughter is capable of scaling the sides of our son’s crib at night.
As for nicknaming his daughter Francie, I think that since it still has all the letters of “France” in the name, people won’t think she does not have a French name derivative. Would you prefer her to be called Frenchie or Quebecio? From a person whose nickname when she was younger was Aypo, I don’t think you have any reason to complain. It would be like Sheilagh Shaughnessy calling her little son “Soddie” because he was born to a sod farmer. Sheilagh wishes that her husband Harvey Rood had the time and the money to build his son a protected play area, more than the roof and walls of their sod and beam cottage. Sheilagh wishes that her son had a playhouse as a toy instead of dirt clods and a stick. Sheilagh often thinks back to the young boy, her childhood sweetheart, back in Devon, England. What a builder he was. Even at the tender young of age of 10, Sheilagh remembers how he impressed her with his ability to build a deck in the backyard of his family’s mansion. Her girlish heart beat fast when she remembers all the toys her young friend was able to make with his own 2 hands. She wished she was back in Devon. She wished she had not been swept off her feet by the lying, two-faced Harvey Rood, who promised her the world and instead gave her and her newborn son only the love that sod can give. Cold, dirty, held-together-by-grass-roots, cut-into-squares love.
Elizabeth is a grown woman embracing her destiny to become Anthony’s wife, and you seem to prefer Elizabeth’s constable boyfriend. If Elizabeth had children with her constable then they would probably be brought up like the children were in that place where Elizabeth was for the last 2 years. I remember her telling us about how the children ran around the streets of town peering into people’s windows at all hours of the day, begging for food at her house, and being a general uncontrolled nuisance. Frankly, the idea of a Patterson child being raised in that kind of environment makes me feel a little sick. I think Anthony has the right idea about raising children.
Little sis. All you have to do is look at the excellent job mom and dad have done, and you see which way of raising kids is the best. It’s been a long time since the days when Lawrence and Gordo and I menaced the neighborhood with ripe tomatoes and a lust for laughter; but I can still remember the lessons mom and dad taught me about parenting every day when I was young. Anthony is on the right track with Francie and Elizabeth is certainly on the right track in going with him. I just hope someday you will mature enough to realize it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
As your brother, being a professional wordsmith, can tell you, careful choice of words gives a good impression. Whereas poor choice of words can make you look like a doofus.
For example, if asked about doing work yourself, "Pretty much" is a good answer that will impress people. If you say "Not exactly, I hired some guys and told them what to do, but I did reload their nailguns and put a coat of sealant on when they were through, however I was too stupid to have them put in any steps leading to the sandbox" while not standing in such a way that their lawn advertising sign is obscured, you tend not to be so impressive.
"I enjoy carpentery" is absolutely true. I enjoy it much in the way I enjoy hockey or NASCAR, ie sitting in a comfortable chair and watching it happen with a beer in my hand.
As to the kid-proofing, of course you did it, but I was the one who talked to your mom, so in a very true sense I kidproofed the place.
As to the basement playhouse, I'll let you figure it out. Next time you're over hear cleaning just turn it over and look at the label die-stamped on the bottom.
In any case, your amazing sister now knows what a fatherly, lurking-in-the-basement dynamo I am.
Anthony
At 12:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I'm confused, I'm pretty sure I was supposed to get some kind of deep lesson or moral from looking at Francie's play house but I didn't get it, and when I tried to ask Anthony what it was, he said, "Shh, this is the time for looking reverently at the play house I built," so I didn't ask.
I did do one smart thing while I was there, I said, "You should call her Franny and not Francie, Francie still sounds too French, if you called her Franny that would be more anglophone," and Anthony said he would think about it, that it would really p--- Therese off if she found out he gave Francie a English name, I was happy to be helpful.
Speaking of helpful, Paul isn't, I am worried about whether our current love will also continue into future love, I am not sure an obsessive cleaning/safety freak like him and a person with a more carefree attitude toward neatness and clutter like me can really and truly commit to each other, one thing I noticed at Anthony's house is that both of them keep their houses just like I do, "lived-in."
Liz
At 1:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know u told me this iz supposed 2b a liz week, but do u hafta rite ‘bout how anthony iz showing her sis his deck & then showin’ her where he keeps hiz kid? it’s obvious wut ur rilly tryin’ 2 say. it’s only 1 letter different. 1st u get the “deck” & then u get the kid. it’s almost as pervy az thoze anthony thot balloons u put n ur blog entry a couple of days ago.
At 2:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your friend Jeremy seems to have some kind of strange ideas about where babies come from, tell him it's not from decks, why aren't you guys learning this in health class, education in Milborough has really gotten bad since I last was there, maybe I should try to transfer, it sounds like you guys need really, really good teachers like me, I could probably use the Native way of teaching about the birds and the bees, or I could get Dee to come in and talk about family planning. Maybe then you guys wouldn't be so confused, although it is kind of a risque topic and you know I am modern and openminded except when it conflicts with my old-fashioned morals, or vice versa, what was I talking about again, oh yeah, I think sex ed should be taught, but only if they tell you a lot not to go do it before you're married, that should be a good compromise.
Liz
At 3:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April dear,
While I think it’s nice your sister’s friend Anthony is such a good carpenter, his comments yesterday about his wife’s body being unclean is very alarming. Of course being a good provider, handy around the house, and a loving father are very important things. But a husband who doesn’t appreciate how miraculous a woman’s body is cannot truly be an excellent husband.
It takes a true man to appreciate all aspects of a woman’s body. Your Grandpa Jim has a very deep appreciation for my amazing womanliness and would show me his appreciation quite often, in every possible way.
When a woman is being appreciated by her husband, she feels so much love for him that she can no longer control her emotions. Because she cannot control her emotions, she has a difficult time controlling her facial muscles and her mouth will open to form an “O”. Depending on how appreciative her husband is, it can be a small O or a big O. Obviously, the big O’s are what a good husband strives for when he is appreciating his wife.
If Howard Bunt is known for his skill in appreciating women, then perhaps Anthony is wise to seek his counsel. After all, the better a husband can appreciate his wife, the better wife she will be and, perhaps, will appreciate him in a similar fashion.
Love,
Iris Richards
At 4:04 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Jeremy,
I told Duncan that that booklet wouldn't stand up to the power of Eva. My uncle Arne is helping me and my brother in trying to stop whatever the hell it is she's doing, and Arne wants to talk to you in a safe place (which I think means next to the empty cigarette machine at the Three Kronen) sometime soon.
At 4:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Iris,
I do not think you should be spreading those ugly rumors about you and Grandpa around the Internet, I know it is very popular to talk sex things on line but you should not let people make you so self-conscious that you make up stories about things you never did, just to show them you are modern and openminded, you are old, you should be proud of your old-fashioned morals. Everyone knows you and Grandpa only did it that one time on your wedding night like you have to to show your marriage is not a sham, and then afterwards you became his doting nurse and nothing more, because that is how Pattersons do things, and also if you are talking about Grandpa doing something that is the thing Howard likes to talk about all the time, even though I am not quite sure what it is, or even what he does down at that salon, it is not proper and Pattersons don't do that, whatever it is.
By the way, Anthony, all that stuff Becky and Howard tried to tell you about how to please me yesterday you should not listen to, I do not want any boyfriend or husband of mine to ever do anything gross to my "special lady parts," the "special lady parts" should only ever connect up with the "special man parts," after marriage, in bed, in the dark, with the man on top, is the only proper way that I as a Patterson woman will ever let any man near my "special lady parts," just so you know. If you want to romance me you should do all the things that Paul never does, like instead of spending all that time researching adn talking about childproofing, he should have called me up or sent me flowers or candy or something, you know how much I like candy, chocolate is best, especially the kinds with the cherry centers, but not the ones that put liquor in there with the cherry, Candace made a joke once about how liquor and cherries don't mix, right after my first date with Eric, but I didn't understand it then and I don't now, but Candace is smart, so just get the kind with the creamy cherry centers, and when I eat them I will think of you okay?
Liz
At 4:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Perhaps it is beyond my professional domain to make such an observation, but I am candidly dismayed at the negativity you have shown toward your future brother-in-law Anthony. This fine man, no mean carpenter and a wizz-bang used car saleman, is a real "catch," as I believe the slang term is among you young people. Search your soul: Are you perhaps jealous that your sister has landed this "hunk"? (To use another slang term I have sometimes heard while wire-tapping calls between young persons.)
Candidly, I understand that Anthony boasts that he is "enough man for ALL the Patterson women", whatever that may mean. Your jealousy may perhaps therefore be entirely unfounded; he may have a place reserved for you in his special basement "playhouse."
Believe me to be,
Your Ob't Servant,
Sgt. Royalson
At 5:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth dear,
I'm not sure why you think I was speaking of a certain act of intercourse earlier. I assure you, I was not. When I speak of your grandfather "appreciating me", I am referring to the loving looks, hugs (and not your brand of "special hugs"), and encouraging words. The fact that you thought I was referring to intercourse is a reflection on YOUR current mindset, not mine.
Perhaps you should go into detail with your boyfriend, Paul, on the "support" your friend Anthony was giving you in the first days after your grandfather's stroke. I happened to look out the window one evening when he was "supporting" you in the hospital parking lot, and in my day that sort of "support" wasn't something you did with a "friend".
Now if you'll excuse me, I must spend the rest of the evening at the rehabilitation facility with your grandfather. It would be nice if you would come visit him sometime, dear.
Yours truly,
Iris Richards
At 5:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
zandra, as u asked i met met w/ur uncle arne @the empty cigarette machine @the three kronen. aftah he finished askin’ me if i cud loan him sum money, he asked me a lotta questionz ‘bout eva & her temporary invisibility last march. thingz like, “iz she good-looking? do u think she would mind wearin’ a low-cut, midriff-bearin’ outfit w/a lotta sparklez on it? can she turn invisible @will?” once i finally got him 2 unnerstand eva’z invisibility last march wuz temporary, he finally went 2 questionz ‘bout hypnosis.
i sed, “wut i have seen her do iz she smirks rilly big & then u like hafta look @her breasts & then aftah that u pretty much do wutevah she wunts.” arne sed, “duz she have good breasts?” i sed they were pretty nice-lookin’. arne sed, “breast hypnosis. it can b v.v. powerful.” i sed, “ru a hypnotist?” arne sed, “shut your mouth! i am an artiste. an illusionist.” i sed, “so u don’t know nething ‘bout hypnosis?” arne sed, “well, maybe. sumtymez an illusionist needs 2 have a fallback, sumthin’ 2 keep him goin’ wen the equipment 4 hiz illusions have been repossessed, or are possessed by sum1 else. there’z no shame in stage hypnosis, wen u have no choice.” i sed, “so u have done a lotta stage hypnosis?” arne sed, “sadly, yes.”
i sed, “so u can rilly hypnotize sum1?” arne sed, “i am no charlatan. hypnosis iz a highly focused state of attention. this ability 2 focus gives you access 2 all the levels of consciousness. i cud hypnotize sum1 like u easily.” i sed,”no thanx.” arne sed, “u don’t needta b afraid. 1 of the misconceptionz ‘bout hypnosis iz that it is sum kinda magic & it will make u do thingz against ur will.” i sed, “izn’t that wut we r talkin’ ‘bout? eva iz makin’ duncan do thingz against his will.” arne sed, “not rilly. duncan iz a breast man & he’s not that bright. prolly ne girl usin’ breast hypnosis cud influence him, because deep down in his subconscious iz a horny teenager who lovez breasts.” i sed, “eva didn’t rilly influence me like that. i guess it’s cuz i am more of an ass man.” arne sed, “it’s prolly cuz ur middle-aged.” i sed, “i’m the same age az duncan.” arne sed, “rilly? thass a very nice old age illusion u have.”
arne sed, “tell me jeremy. who haz bettah breasts---eva or my niece sandra?” i sed, “eva’z r nice & perky, but zandra’z r large & melony. prolly zandra’z.” arne sed, “thanx 4 ur middle-aged teenager opinion. i think my brilliant mind iz forming a plan.” then he walked rite out the door. the guy @ three kronen came ovah & sed, “ru w/him?” i sed i wuz. then he handed me arne’z bill. thass wut happed. if u c ur uncle, he owez me sum money.
At 5:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
Liz,
Thank God for that. You can't imagine the stuff they were talking about last night. I'd almost think they made it up but I've seen it done in movies as kind of a stunt, like when they make people eat giant horse kidneys on Reality TV. Little men in boats and orchid petals! Becky is a SKANK and talks like a whore who's passed freshman comp, and you don't even want to know what Howard was going on about. Ugh!
Not that I don't have a rich fantasy life. Sometimes I imagine doing it in the afternoon when some light is coming in through the curtains, or watching you shave your legs in the tub. That monthly letter you wrote about bubble baths drove me nuts!
Anthony
At 7:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
luann, u r rite, i think thoze thingz can b bought fully assembled @ toy stores. tho it soundz like anthony mita had it customized w/hazardous add-ons.
paul, omg, all that baby-proofing stuff u described? i did put it in. if it wasn't there when liz visited, anthony musta actually removed it. good thing luann called the social worker during lunch 2day.
mike, a toddler cd hurt hurt herself on a chainlink fence.
& i guess i shdn't b surprised that since u never bothered 2 learn the name of the place where liz usta live up north (MTIGWAKI), u'd also not bother 2 really find out how paul wd raise children, but instead make dumb and unfair assumptions. paul, pls read mike's idiotic post and tell us how u'd really raise kidz.
liz, u have free will. don't drink the patterson kool-aid. ignore mike. who has never stopped calling u "lizardbreath". anthony is carrying a torch 4 a fake, made-up liz he has in his head.
ick, nope, jeremy, i really did mean "deck". thank god, i met "deck".
sgt. royalson, i m not jealous. i have a v. v. hunky bf, gerald millicent delaney-forsythe. nothing 2 b jealous of! anthony's not going 2 b my bil. i hafta keep believing that!!!
iris, i'm glad u liked thoze chocolates i brot u @ the rehab facility this evening. gramps seemed 2 enjoy the music i played 4 him on my guitar.
jeremy, breast hypnosis? yikes. i guess if i'm gonna hypnotize ne1 i'd better find a diff technique than eva uses.
apes
Post a Comment
<< Home