April's Real Blog

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Anthony Invited Liz to See His Etchings House

After the "depositions", Anthony was all, "Elizabeth, we both took the afternoon off from work 2 do this deposition." Which was so not true, since this all happened on Sunday, and neither of them was working on Sunday. But Clearly he was hoping Liz wd B 2, like, preoccupied 2 notice, and he went on, all, "Wd U like 2 C what I've dun w/the house? I put on a new back porch and re-did the kitchen!" Liz, U shda sed "no", cuz how obvs was it that Anthony is using this whole going-after trial 2 get back w/U? And just cuz he wants 2 doesn't mean he can. But U're in charge of that, eh? NEhoodles, Liz was, like, "Sure, I'd luv 2." And as she was buckling in, she was saying, "It still amazes me 2 think U have a baby and yr own house! Next 2 U, I feel so unaccomplished!" Even tho Liz was looking down toward the clasp on her seatbelt, she sez she cd feel Anthony's gaze, like he was leering really hard. So she kinda crossed her arms @ the wrist and, while keeping her face pting str8 ahead, she looked over 2 her window side, cuz she didn't want 2 C what Anthony mite B having in a thot bubble. She told me, "All the same, I had a weird feeling he was thinking, 'Next 2 me, U feel so .... wonderful!' And April, I don't think it's the kind of 'feel' like 'How do U feel 2day', but the 'feel U up' kind of feel. And tho Anthony is my friend and always will be, I think that mite be in... inna... in-upp?" And I sed, "Inappropriate?" Liz giggled and sed, "Yes, 'inappropriate.' But don't criticize him for this in yr blog, b-cuz it's not his fault he has inappropriate thots around me. I bring that out in men." I tried 2 argue, but she just got mad and sed just 4 that, she won't tell me the rest until much l8r, so's I can't tell U abt it until 2morrow morning. But what else is new, eh?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:27 AM  

22 Comments:

  • At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    I took the liberty of following your elder sister and her suitor back to his charming home in the suburbs, following the completion of the videotaped depositions taken of each on Sunday. May I be so presumptuous as to say that they make a handsome pair? I observed that as they exited the vehicle your brother-in-law-to-be swept your sister up into his arms, dropped her, apologized, but then took her hand and lead her in a firm and manly way across the threshold of his abode. After waiting at the premises for three hours in my unmarked cruiser I left the scene, as it was all too obvious to a trained peace officer such as myself what was transpiring inside. (The windows of the cottage were heavily fogged up.) Again, my heartiest congratulations to you and your family!
    On a totally unrelated note, my old academy roommate Constable Paul called me today with disturbing news. It seems that his girlfriend is cheating on him with an elderly Lothario who once harbored romantic feelings for her. Paul spoke rather heatedly of taking his service revolver and executing some old fashioned frontier type justice on those who would sully the bond of fidelity. I counselled against rash action, but expect the worst. Wishing you a pleasant day, I remain,
    Sgt. Royalson

     

  • At 10:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    I took the liberty of following your elder sister and her suitor back to his charming home in the suburbs, following the completion of the videotaped depositions taken of each on Sunday. May I be so presumptuous as to say that they make a handsome pair? I observed that as they exited the vehicle your brother-in-law-to-be swept your sister up into his arms, dropped her, apologized, but then took her hand and lead her in a firm and manly way across the threshold of his abode. After waiting at the premises for three hours in my unmarked cruiser I left the scene, as it was all too obvious to a trained peace officer such as myself what was transpiring inside. (The windows of the cottage were heavily fogged up.) Again, my heartiest congratulations to you and your family!
    On a totally unrelated note, my old academy roommate Constable Paul called me today with disturbing news. It seems that his girlfriend is cheating on him with an elderly Lothario who once harbored romantic feelings for her. Paul spoke rather heatedly of taking his service revolver and executing some old fashioned frontier type justice on those who would sully the bond of fidelity. I counselled against rash action, but expect the worst. Wishing you a pleasant day, I remain,
    Sgt. Royalson

     

  • At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about Elizabeth going with her friend Anthony to see improvements he made to his house. When I talked to my sweet girl, she said she was proud of her friend and all the things he accomplished. I said, “Those must have been impressive home improvements.” Your sister said, “No, Paul. I mean the important accomplishments like having a baby and owning your own house.” I said, “When I get my transfer and we get married, between our two salaries there should not be a problem getting a house, and you already know I want children.” Your sister said, “Don’t count on that Paul. My nisayenh (brother) Mike and his wiiwan (wife) both work, and they can barely pay the rent on a run-down apartment in Toronto. Only really rich people can afford homes in the South, like my friend Anthony or his boss Gordon or my noos (dad). I just realized owning a home is another way Anthony is like my noos (dad).”

    I said, “Elizabeth, if owning a home is so important to you, and it cost so much in the South, you could move back to the Northwest. Houses do not cost as much here. We could have a huge house with a big yard for children in Otter County.” Elizabeth said, “Why would I move back to the Northwest to get a house, when Anthony already has a house?” I said, “Is he going to sell it to you?” Your sister said, “Don’t be silly, Paul. Anthony needs his house for his baby.” I said, “So, why does it matter Anthony has a house?” Your sister said, “I just told you. So he has a place to raise his daughter. Honestly, Paul. Pay attention, so I don’t have to repeat myself.”

    I started to get confused, so I changed the subject. I said, “How is your mishomis (grandfather)?” Your sister said, “I think he is fine.” I said, “But he just had a stroke. How can he be fine?” Your sister said, “Oh, right. Stroke. I forgot all about that in the excitement about my deposition and seeing Anthony’s house.” The rest of our conversation had to do with all the details of her friend’s house improvements, which I am sure you have already heard, so I won’t repeat them.

    I talked to my friend Susan Dokis whom I call Chipper about it. She said, “Well, Suds (her nickname for me), there are a lot of women who think getting a house and a baby are big accomplishments. Not here in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) though. Gary and Vivian Crane don’t have children, but almost every family in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) has a house and children, so we think being accomplished means something different. In the South, people have to work hard to get what you could have easily in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). If you wanted to be a policeman and you were married to a school teacher in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), then you could get a house easily without having to do much more than sign some papers at the bank in Spruce Narrows. But if you want to be a policeman and married to a school teacher down South, you would have to save your money for years to get a house, and you would have to worry the whole time your school teacher wife is going to leave you for some man who already has a house.” I said, “You’re right, Chipper. If only Elizabeth hadn’t decided to move, things would be a lot easier.” Chipper said, “But you could have a school teacher wife without moving to Toronto.” I said, “I don’t see how. I don’t think Elizabeth would ever move back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).” Chipper said, “I am sure if you think about it, you will figure it out.” Chipper likes to give me brain teasers. I haven’t figured this one out yet, but I am sure I will.

    In case you are concerned about this Sgt. Royalson and his old academy roommate Constable Paul, let me remind you that I am Constable Wright. Even though my first name is Paul, I don’t like people to call me Constable Paul, particularly old academy roommates.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    You are confused, I don't know what the h-e-double hockey sticks your problem is, prosecutors don't work on Sunday so this didn't happen on a Sunday, it happened on Monday, sheesh, when are you going to learn that just because you know about something on Monday morning doesn't mean it didn't happen on Monday afternoon. Gosh you would think after 15 years in this town you would get a clue, your Martian ways are really annoying, I think Mom and Dad should put you away in whatever home for mental defectives they are going to stick Grandpa.

    I'm glad I moved south and got close enough to you to figure out all the things that are wrong with you so I can help you fix them before it's too late and you lose your childhood sweetheart and ruin your life, fortunately there is still time.

    You know when I was driving in Anthony's car, it was weird, the seat belt doesn't work the right way or something, it took me ten minutes to put it on which is eight more minutes than it usually takes me.

    Put Anthony in the category of amazing people associated with the Pattersons, he has a house and a baby, that's an amazing accomplishment, way better than anything anyone can do in their careers or whatever, this goes on the list of amazing Pattersons, come to think of it I wonder if he would change his name to Patterson, you know just in case.

    Liz

     

  • At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    liz, u and anthony had monday off 4 thanksgiving, so even if it were true that this stuff happened on monday after i already knew abt it and wrote abt it, his line abt taking time off fr. work wd still b wrong.

    don't worry abt trying 2 fix me, liz, i'll figure stuff out on my own. all yr "help" is nothing but insults, so pls keep it 2 yrself.

    sgt. royalson, there r sum thingz i just don't wanna think abt, like anthony's windowz being steamed up. ick.

    apes

     

  • At 1:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boy, did I just screw the pooch with your sister. She complimented me on how amazing I was for basically begging Gordon for a deal on an old house and making Therese so nuts she even threw out socks she'd worn while we were together. Unfortunately I wandered off into my own mental world for a while, and by the time I came back she was REALLY pissed and fuming.

    As she explained later, "after being given a compliment, it's polite to say one or more, preferably better, in return." She gave me a long list of amazing things I could have mentioned (her understanding of native ways, spirit name, ability to get rid of her mother's facial hair, cooking talent, cat-care skills...) which would have led to her telling me to pull the car over so she could kiss me (!!) but since I went mumblechops I wasn't getting anything.

    Patterson women are very mysterious. Figuring them out is a little like playing Clue when drunk. Using Monopoly's rules.

    I'VE GOT TO STOP DAYDREAMING!

    Anthony

     

  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    You're right for once, it happened on Tuesday I think, I don't know, I'm so confused, but I'm pretty sure that's right, remember what Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking said about the non-linear nature of time. Actually I'm not sure what they said about it, but Mom says they're geniuses and if time going all topsy-turvy is good enough for them it's good enough for Milborough and the Good Witch of the North, and that's all I needed to hear, Mom's word is good enough for me.

    Anthony obviously needs help in the compliments department but there's nothing I can do about that, he will just have to figure it out himself or get some training from a sensitive man somewhere, it's not romantic if a girl has to train her own prospective husband, that doesn't start until after the marriage.

    Liz

     

  • At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hey apes, u remember lyksta spreddim? the girl who dropped out of skoool last year when she got knocked up? marjee sez she came in2 the salon 2day looking 4 a weekend job as a shampoo girl. i guess she bot a place in that trailer park on skidmore row near my dad an' she needs a 2nd job 2 help make the payment.

    wow, a baby an' a trailer. lyksta is so accomplished! an' she's only 17. she sure put u 2 shame, duzn't she liz?

    becks

     

  • At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Liz said I needed training from a sensitive man in how to handle women. I went to Sensei at RKD and he said that he uses the "4 F" method with women and when he described it, it just didn't sound like the sort of thing that would work on a sensetive and accomplished woman like Liz.

    I may have to swallow my pride (and God knows what else) and ask Howard Bunt for some tips, since he always seems to be plastered with women gnawing on him like a bunch of wolves with a porterhouse whenever I see him.

    Anthony

     

  • At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    That might be a good idea, you know that slut Becky McGuire is always all over him, and even though she would do it with practically anybody, she is also famous, and famous people only go after the best, so he must be the best, which is odd isn't it, but then again he did think he was good enough to get me, so maybe he is pretty good, also I hear that he has given something called "the O" to every woman in town, and I hear it's a good thing.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    I am a little disappointed you would even consider Howard Bunt as a source of advice for how to compliment a woman. After all, he is unmarried and will be going to prison soon, and I am obviously more accomplished than he is, since I am married and not in prison. I have a few suggestions for compliments to give Elizabeth based on my tremendous experience and success with my wife.

    1. When you are a mom, Elizabeth, you will be stronger, more confident and able to speak your mind.
    2. I have a goal I have set for myself and I think you are woman enough to share my dream.
    3. It's been hot around here lately and I am your biggest fan.
    4. You will be a good mom, Elizabeth, and you will enjoy motherhood even more when you return to teaching.
    5. I can tell that from your mother, Elizabeth, you will inherit the ability to create soup from leftovers, cleverly disguising the most forgettable leg or legume, making everything from pasta to old poetry palatable. She's amazing.
    6. I'm impressed by your ingenuity: you’re a professional teacher and you will be an understanding companion to a man who is often at home but whose mind is elsewhere!
    7. As a teacher, Elizabeth, you will earn more than I do and I expect you will suggest that I take a year off from work to pursue my dreams.
    8. You’re a pretty girl, Elizabeth. Even after a bath in your robe with your hair full of static – I expect I will still think you’re a beauty.
    9. What's wonderful about you Elizabeth is your woman's perspective. I can tell you understand that a woman's strength comes first from intangible things, like love, understanding, reassurance and support - whereas a man's well-being needs the solid affirmation that property, position, power and a means to sustain himself brings.
    10. You are patient and supportive, and I can tell you will be tremendously understanding about my time spent away from you.
    11. I love that you are passionate about making a difference in a child's life. As it turns out, I have a child.
    12. You love current fashion but can't afford to buy anything, which doesn't matter. I love a woman who believes function means more than fashion.
    13. I love that you’re an openminded, modern woman with old fashioned morals

    You should give those a try Anthony. I think you will find them to be far more effective than giving Elizabeth a compliment about understanding native ways, spirit names, mom's facial hair, cooking talent, or her cat-care skills. These little lines work wonders with my Deanna. If only Harvey Rood had used them with Sheilagh Shaughnessy, his marriage may have been as successful as mine. Sheilagh Shaughnessy tells me she loves those lines.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, ur startin’ 2 creep me out w/this story ‘bout ur sis & anthony. i gotta say i am so not surprized girly anthony wud make changez 2 hiz kitchen and porch. a real guy wud say, “now i got rid of my wife, i got a new sound system, or i bought a motorcycle, or a got all the toolz i always wunted, or i got a new bowlin’ ball or sumthin’ like that." since ur sis thinks havin’ a baby iz 1 of hiz accomplishments, mebbe he is so girlie he did have that baby by himself. i dunno. i wish u wud rite ‘bout stuff goin’ on in ur life. 4 example, i saw duncan anderson n skool 2day, & he wuz readin’ this pamphlet. i sed 2 him, “iz that a pamphlet on '101 wayz 2 steal sum1’s gf'?” duncan sed, “i already told u, i didn’t steal eva frum u. this iz a pamphlet on developin’ resisting systems 2 mind control.” i looked @the pamplet & this iz wut it sed:

    Resisting systems:

    Large-scale systems of social persuasion depend on controls which impart a sense of belonging to a broad movement. Tightly structured situations are dangerous when we lose sight of who we are, when we forget that we have feelings and histories other than those programmed by the immediate social setting and the roles we are led to play in it.

    Some suggestions:
    1. Test for the presence of stated or unstated rules that unnecessarily restrict freedom of speech, action, and association. By subtly violating some of the rules and roles, you may discover how much latitude is allowed for eccentric or creative self-expression.
    2. Resist the lure of uniforms [or similar dress] and other disguises that make you look like one of the bunch.
    3. Retain your sense of individual integrity in the system by calling others by name and referring to yourself by name.
    4. Disclose personal observations about your surroundings and about experiences you've had elsewhere to those you feel might share your views. Elicit feelings and ideas from them so that, together, you can disengage the "scripts" that specify the basic, unquestioned rules of the present setting.
    5. Remember that ignoring social rules is not easy and is sometimes met with censure.

    i sed, “this soundz like mind-control frum 1 of thoze religious or military groups.” duncan sed, “no, it’s all good.” i sed, “well ur screwed on the uniform part, considerin’ wut we wear 2 skool.” then eva showed up & sed, “duncan, yru talkin’ 2 jeremy? u know wut i sed ‘bout that.” i sed, “duncan, remembah the part ‘bout viol8in’ the rulez.” duncan sed, “oh right. i can talk 2 jeremy if i wanna, eva.” eva sed, “a good cowboy knowz wen 2 stop jawin’ w/the othah cowboyz & pay attention 2 his cowgirl.” i sed, “duncan, remembah the part ‘bout callin’ othahz by name." duncan sed, “oh right. eva, he’z jeremy, not a cowboy.” eva sed, “come w/me duncan. we’re having’ dinner @my ‘rents house 2nite.” i sed, “duncan, remembah the part ‘bout disclosin’ ur personal observations.” duncan sed, “oh right. wen i eat w/ur ‘rents, i get 2 fat, & i am rilly tired of turkey.” eva sed, “wut iz goin’ on? wut iz this pamplet?” she grabbed it & read, “sumtymes ignoring social rules is sumtymez met with censure.” eva got rilly mad & sed, “i am not gonna get mad @my sweet duncan. jeremy, ur just a lousy, no-good, lowlife horse thief who iz usin’ my new bf 2 try 2 get revenge on me cuz i found a better guy. az 4 censure, since you’re here, i am tellin’ u2 leave duncan alone, or i am gonna punch u out.” then eva smirked rilly big & duncan got a glassy look n his eyez & they left.

    uc, april. thass a lot more innerstin’ story 2 me than anthony askin’ ur sis on a d8, 2 go & c his house.

     

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, this is a "liz" week. i'm gonna talk abt liz in my blog entriez. 4 all i know, next wk will be a "liz" week, 2. it's hard 4 me 2 tell. feel free 2 write stuff like u just did, tho. i'm not the only 1 allowed 2 tell stuff here.

    apes

     

  • At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I think next week is going to be a Liz week too, I'm pretty sure because it is Thursday and you are just now telling about the drive over to Anthony's house, and some stuff happened over there, and it will probably take me more than three days to tell about it, and then you will have to tell about it in your blog, and you know our stories usually go in whole week chunks for retelling, so you should figure that you will be telling Liz stuff for another week and a half, except maybe on Sundays, we sometimes like to tell a totally different story for that, like how I got transported to see Paul that one time, that was weird huh?

    Liz

     

  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Anthony Caine actually came up to me at Sugar’s salon and asked me if I could give him training in how to handle women, particularly your sister. I told him where to go. Then he started whining and he offered to do a number of things for me, which I don’t care to repeat since they involved swallowing, if you know what I mean. This wouldn’t have been so bad, except while he was saying these things, his thought balloons kept popping up with illustrations everyone could see. The old ladies in the salon who are my customers started saying, “My eyes! My eyes! Take him away! Make him stop! Make him stop!” I had to pick him up and throw him out of the salon, and got a run in my hose when I did it.

    Then as I was going home, I saw him following me around. When I went over to where he was hiding and told him to stop following me, he started to do some sort of awkward martial arts kind of movements and said, “I am just doing my Rex Kwan Do kata. Sensei says if a man wants to be successful with the ladies, you need to do the patented Rex Kwan Do martial arts kata, he learned from his time fighting in the Octagon.” I said, “Stop following me.” Anthony said, “No can do, Howard. At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times.”

    I said, “All right. I’ll give you some tips on how to handle Elizabeth Patterson, if you agree to stop following me.” He agreed and is coming over to Becky’s house this evening. Becky said she wanted to help, so she could play the part of your sister. Don’t worry about Becky with Anthony. I will make sure he doesn’t step out of line, but I get the impression Becky is secretly hoping he will. She has been practicing knee thrusts all evening.

    I am sure I or Anthony or Becky will let you know how it goes.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, yeah, i think u r rite that we'll have @ least 1 more "liz" wk b4 we have a new topic.

    howard, eek, sorry 2 hear abt anthony making a scene like that. yeah, def let me know what happs!

    apes

     

  • At 8:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    apes, i m so glad r phys ed teacher made us do all those xxercises 2 improve r quads an' hamstrings. my legs r rilly strong now. i have a feeling it's gonna come in handy w/ anthony.

    ha, there's the doorbell! i gotta run an' put on sum of my dead gramma's ugly frumpy clothes so i will remind granthony of ur sis as much as poss.

    becks

     

  • At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    After meeting with some initial resistance from Howard Bunt, I used a combination of my persuasion skills and physical intimidation to get him to let me come over and teach me about women.

    We met at Becky's. She's got a pretty nice place if you don't mind Viking tapestries, drinking horns, and big wooden shields.

    The first thing Howard told me made me really sick and I can't believe people really do that because I used to watch Therese pee out of that and no matter how much you wipe some must get left which is why it smells so funky some of the time and never mind all the other stuff when it's time of the month. Howard insisted that he's not really into it in that way but I had to learn. Ugh! Anyway I went up to the bathroom 'cause I was wretching and snuck my laptop in.

    Becky sure throws a lot of batteries away. She should buy a microphone that plugs in.

    More tomorrow,

    Anthony

     

  • At 8:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    question: y were u watching therese pee, granthony? do u have a piss fetish? therese duzn't sound like the kind of chick who goes w/ the door open.

    becks

     

  • At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Anthony,

    I used to carry my laptop everywhere, then I accidentally sat on it one time and found out why it's called a laptop, now I leave it at home on my desk, only Shiimsa can sit on it there, which is okay, except she gets hair on the keyboard, but I don't mind.

    Liz

     

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, anthony watched t. pee! ick.

    apes

     

  • At 11:50 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, Becky and Anthony Caine may have more to say about his training session, but this is my version of the events that transpired. Anthony arrived 15 minutes earlier than the appointed time, and he appeared to be quite anxious to start. Becky had put on some of her grandma Eulalie’s clothes, so she would look like your sister. The effect was startling. She looked a lot like your sister from the neck down. Anthony was taken aback also. He said, “Did you bleach your hair, Liz?” I told him it was Becky pretending to be Liz for the lesson and he seemed to accept that pretty well. Anthony said, “Howard Bunt. Gay, woman clothes-wearing Sensei. My Liz is a Woman of Mystery. Liz said I needed training from a sensitive man in how to handle women. Teach me your woman secrets. Tell me all the mystic woman powers and deadly woman-handling skills, based on your secret ancient sensitive gay man techniques.” Becky said, “Can I kick him now?” I told her no.

    I said, “I thought we could go over Liz’s complaint with you today, when you were daydreaming, and you didn’t give her a compliment. I can pretend I am you and Becky can pretend she is Liz, and after I show you the way to compliment Liz, then you can practice the technique.” Anthony said, “After I told Donna at the MMM office and Kathy at the diner, I had my used my Rex Kwon Do training to convince you to teach me, they both told me I was already advanced enough in sensitivity, so I should get elite training as a cunning linguist. Kathy and Donna said it was like my special Rex Hai Keeba elite training for Rex Kwan Do.” Becky said, “I’m not going to play Elizabeth for that.” I said, “Are you sure you want to learn to be a cunning linguist?” Anthony said, “Is it something sensitive men do?” I said it was. Then Anthony said, “I have the strength of a grizzly, the quickness of a puma, and the wisdom of a man. I am ready to learn, effeminate, gay Sensei.”

    So, I started telling Anthony my cunnilingus techniques, and I saw him get paler and paler and paler. I started to worry he was going to faint. When I got to the part where I described the use of humming, particularly Richard Wagner’s The Ride of the Valkyries, to cause vibration while performing cunnilingus, Anthony excused himself to go to the bathroom. Then I heard wretching noises, and after that a lot of typing. Becky said, “What is he doing in there?” I said I didn’t know. Then we heard this electric vibrating sound. Becky started pounding on the bathroom door and said, “Anthony. That’s mine. Put it down right now you [bad word].” Well, the vibrating noise continued and then we heard Anthony screaming, “I'VE GOT TO STOP DAYDREAMING! Make it stop! Make it stop!”

    I kicked open the bathroom door and there was Anthony on the floor tangled up with his clothes, the bathroom towels, toilet paper, a container of hair gel, an eyelash curler, and with a vibrator whirling away in his moustache hair, looking as though it was going to make a beeline down Anthony’s nostrils to his brain cavity. Becky said, “Wait, Howie! I need to get a camera.” Anthony started screaming even louder when he heard that. I pulled the batteries out of the vibrator to make it stop, and I was in the process of slowly extracting Anthony’s moustache from its inner workings when Becky reappeared and started taking pictures. I said, “Becky. Stop doing that and help me.” Becky said, “Oh all right Howie. And she took another picture and then hid the camera, before she came back.” It took almost an hour to get Anthony untangled, which wasn’t so bad. The bad part was having to listen to him talk while we did it.

    “Do you want to hear the Rex Kwan do oath? ‘From this day on I shall respect Rex. I shall never misuse Rex Kwon Do. I shall be a champion of Freedom and Justice.’ I will have to tell Sensei about Becky McGuire’s combat vibrator. She has to be very careful about using it. With a vibrator like this, terrorists could use it to topple entire governments and threaten our freedom. Becky and her vibrator could become part of the Image Quest when I share some of Sensei's words of a warrior woman with her from the ancient warrior nun named Wun Nahsti Ho whose words are written on a pastel painting of a chipmunk in his office. Becky and her vibrator could be co-champions of freedom and justice. I know where Gordon keeps all the batteries we use in the MMM office.” And on and on.

    After we finally got him freed. I asked Anthony if he wanted to learn more about being a cunning linguist and he turned pale, gave me a very emphatic “No,” and limped quickly out the door. Becky said, “At last he’s gone. That freak wrecked my vibrator.” I said, “I have a spare and it’s still in the box. It’s the pink box under my bed near the lacey pillows.” Becky said, “You have all the best equipment, Howie.”

    And that was the evening, at least from my perspective.

    Howard Bunt

     

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