Memory Triggering
So, back 2 this past Sunday. Liz was sitting in her bolted-down chair, staring in2 the camera, and the cop was all, "We want 2 make this as easy as possible 4 U, Elizabeth, so pls relax. I want U 2 go back 2 last summer, the afternoon of August 11th. U were working @ Lakeshore Landscaping." But Liz didn't tell me NE deets abt what she sed abt that day, she just skipped 2 after she was dun, and Anthony came up 2 her, put his hand on her shoulder, and was like, "How did yr deposition go?" And Liz was all, "OK. I didn't think I cd remember much, but once I got in2 it, the whole thing came back!" As they were leaving the building, Liz sed, "Memory is an amazing thing [amazing!] ...All U need is one image 2 trigger it." When Liz was telling me abt this, she sed, "April, just then, I cd have sworn I saw, out of the corner of my eye, I thot bubble over Anthony's head, that showed him kissing me! I had 2 close my eyes real quick, like U do when U accidentally see sum1 doing sumthing private and embarrassing." I sed, "Liz, Rn't U gonna tell him he needs 2 back away from the Liz? Since U have a bf and all?" And Liz gave me sort of a pitying look and sed, "Oh, April, U R so yung! This isn't high school! Say, where's Shiimsa? I need a hug." And she took off 2 chase after her cat again. She sez there's more 2 tell, but she didn't feel like telling me the next bit yet, so I won't B able 2 tell U all either, prolly till 2morrow morning's entry.
Apes
Apes
15 Comments:
At 9:40 AM, Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about Elizabeth giving her deposition to the Milborough police. When I talked to her, that’s what she said her friend Anthony called it. I was going to tell her it was called an “oral statement,” and ask her if she knew the law officer personally and that is why the officer called her by her first name, instead of by Miss Patterson; but whenever I talk to my sweet girl about this trial, we get into a fight about legal procedure. I think you wrote in your writings yesterday she and her friend had done videotaped oral statements to the police last autumn. I am confused why they did it again.
Elizabeth explained to me sometimes she writes in her monthly family letter about things that are not going to happen in a long time. She said, “For example. When we went hiking to the hill to overlook the lake a few weeks ago, I realized I had written about going to visit you in my August letter, so that must be what I was writing about.” I said, “But you visited me in August before your school started and our trip to the lake was a separate trip.” Elizabeth said, “Now Paul. We are not going to go through this again. I wrote in August about a visit we had in September. I think you have been around me long enough for that to make sense.” I had to say she was right about that. I think I am going to stop trying to figure out how time around your sister or the Milborough police department operates. When I get my transfer, I will be working with the Ontario Provincial Police in Toronto for their traffic department and I will probably be giving tickets to people before I stop them for speeding.
I told this story to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. She said, “One of the nice things about Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is time runs in the right order.” I said, “What do you mean?” Chipper said, “For example, Suds (her nickname for me), if we got married, it would be first dating, then engaged, then married. We wouldn’t get married first, then engaged and then start dating.” I said to Chipper, “It is all starting to make sense now. Maybe I am already married to Elizabeth and when we fight about something, it is because we are an old married couple. If you are right, then we will move backwards to the honeymoon.” Chipper said, “If you ever get tired of being around someone who doesn’t do things in the right order, you can come to visit me.” That’s one of the things I like about Chipper. She’s very dependable.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:42 AM, howard said…
April,
When I read what you wrote today, I had a pretty stern talk with my lawyer Mr. Benis. I said, “That whole conversation we had yesterday where you said you examined Anthony Caine about the weather was a lie. Anthony Caine just gave a deposition to the police.” Mr. Benis said, “That’s oral statement, Howard. However, I was not lying to you. I was just preparing you for the type of testimony you could expect from Mr. Anthony Caine after I cross-examine him. He will soon learn that he shouldn’t mess with Benis. I’ll make him go blind with my furious cross-examination. Besides, during a trial, you would be there. That should have given you a clue.” I had to admit he was right, but after talking to him, I am starting to get the feeling I am going to go to prison for a long, long time, when my trial finally occurs.
Howard Bunt
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. My daughter loved the stuffed dog from Clue’s Blues and the kids books you sent her for her 4th birthday. Deanna would say thanks, but she is too busy reading through information on Linux to respond. By the way, the idea that my little sis would go through the trouble to get sworn affidavits from Auntie Bev and Uncle Danny about their romantic life is one of your more amusing fictions. I got a good chuckle out of it when I read it yesterday.
Why don’t you leave the legal mumbo-jumbo to someone who knows all about it, like our Lizardbreath? I could tell she and Anthony are moving right along in the relationship together, operating as a couple. Their talk about their legal case together, visiting the Crown attorney together, giving depositions together. It’s what you would call “romantic” if courtrooms dramas over a sexual assault charge can be considered “romantic.” In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if, in the 1 ½ months Liz has been in Milborough, she has spent more time with Anthony than she did in her entire relationship with her constable boyfriend.
I visited briefly with Anthony to discuss the money we are going to receive from when the television people shoot the pilot for the new TV show, “Foobin’ with Mr. C,” based loosely on Anthony's life, but he was so distracted about the depositions, I could not keep him focused. Anthony said, “All that money is nice, Mike, but that is not what is important now.” I said, “What is important now, Anthony?” He said, “My moustache. I keep thinking about kissing your sister, but I don’t have a moustache in my thought bubbles. Do you think it is a sign I should shave it?” I said, “No, Anthony. We have written the character of Mr. C in the pilot with a moustache. Memory is an amazing thing. Just imagine kissing Liz with a moustache and that will trigger it.” Well, then Anthony started yelling about Liz having a moustache, and the conversation went down hill from there.
Almost as far down hill as Sheilagh Shaugnessy had to go to get water for the stove, so she could boil the water to warm the bottle of formula for her newborn baby. Sheilagh was a strong woman, and she knew the sooner she could stop breast-feeding, the sooner she would be able to regain her independence and her freedom. But without the water to boil the bottle, all would be lost and Sheilagh would end up having to give away her precious bodily fluids to a baby who would dominate her and treat her with disrespect as her husband Harvey Rood does. So, Sheilagh continued to struggle down the hill, further and further down until…Ouch! I am going to have to stop leaning over in my chair like that.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:54 AM, Anonymous said…
april, iz there nethin’ goin’ on n ur life? ur sis’ life w/anthony caine iz startin’ 2 creep me out. i rilly do not want 2 know wut iz goin’ on n anthony caine’z thot bubbles, cuz u know ‘round ur sis xxactly where thoze thot bubblez r gonna go & nobody wants 2c that, or hear about it either.
At 10:56 AM, duncan anderson said…
Oh, man. I was 20 min l8 4 skool 2day & now I have a detention. I guess I shldnt of chased those 1st graders who were calling me Fat Albert. I almost cot them b4 I had 2 stop running cos I was outta breath.
I wont b @ lunch 2day. Evry1s got turkey sandwiches & the smell of those things makes me want 2 spew.
L8r.
At 11:37 AM, Anonymous said…
duncan, dude. i know we h8 each othah now cuz u stole my gf, but just outa common decency i gotta say, "u hafta stop sayin', 'hey! hey! hey!" evn w/a hint of bajan accent, it soundz just like fat albert.
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous said…
mike, y can't u ever just believe me? i faxed the sworn affidavits 2 yr office since u have no trust in me.
also, in the 1940s, sheilaucccch wdn't have had store-bought baby formula. ppl who formula fed usta use homemade recipes, and they were pretty bad. she shd just nurse her baby.
dunc, it's true abt the "hey hey hey", an' u mite wanna not say "naa, naa, naa, gonna have a good time!"
apes
At 12:55 PM, Anonymous said…
April,
I'm having a tough time getting my mind on anything but your sister. We almost got run down leaving the parking lot because I walked us out onto a busy street, completely spacing. I really hope you are aware of how lucky you are to have a sister like Liz around (especially since you almost lost her to traffic), April. She's
-a college graduate
-an accomplished teacher who should have a whole bunch of awards but for some reason doesn't
-has very good clothes sense and wouldn't be caught dead in anything trashy
-a putter-in-jailer of serial go-afterers
-loves singing and helping people who have difficulty reading, even though I can't ever remember her doing either.
All this at the age of seventeen. It's really amazing.
Anthony
At 1:38 PM, Anonymous said…
Well, Anthony, I can't take all the credit for being amazing, all Pattersons are amazing you know, that's just how we are, we try to be amazing in everything we do, from dating a helicopter pilot to shoving our mother-in-law out into the show before she can get her coat on, we work hard to be amazing to everyone around us.
Mike, I see April fooling around on her laptop all the time, I think she just wrote those affidavits herself, she is so obsessed with denying her Pattersonhood, I wish she would hurry up and get with the program. Remember how dumb you and me used to be, back when we were her age and even after that, remember how I used to be a whiny brat just like her and how stupid I was to break up with my guaranteed husband (Anthony) to run off and try to have an adventure up north until Anthony finally got divorced to remind me that I really belong in Milborough? Remember how you wanted to do all that dumb stuff before you and Dee got married, and how you wanted to be all poor and broke and freelance even after you got married, but fortunately you married the right woman to straighten you out by getting "accidentally" pregnant so you couldn't follow your stupid dreams? God we are so lucky that we finally saw the light and got back on the Patterson path, I really hope it doesn't take April that long to figure it out, I mean if she breaks up with Gerald she will regret it for the rest of her life, there is nothing worse in the world than not having a date on New Year's Eve, I sometimes wonder why everyone is always talking about starving people in Africa when there are bad problems right here at home too, like not having a boyfriend and being called Lizardbreath by your brother.
I do too help people learn to read, I do it all the time for my job, and as for singing I never really did anything with that after college but they always say to put some "hobbies" on your resume and I don't really have any so I said singing, I did choir in high school I think and also I like to sing along to Celine Dion when I drive in my new car the 16 kilometers (or is it 16 miles, I forget) to school. I don't really have time for hobbies now, my free time is spent trying to find a husband but also on making people think I'm not looking for a husband, maybe I will have more time for hobbies after I'm married, at least until I have kids, then my hobbies will be kids and cleaning, that's the way Mom says it is until they leave the house, I thought when they were teenagers it would get easier but Mom says not, you have to worry about their constant Martian whining about zits and Becky and worry they are looking at terrible information on the interweb.
Liz
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I have some bad news and some good news. The good news is that the girls in my office took your faxed sworn affidavits off the fax machine and put them on my desk, so I wouldn’t have to figure out where the fax machine was and how it works. The bad news is I wasn’t at my desk at the time, and my syndicated column editor came by, saw the sworn affidavits on my desk, saw a Patterson by-line and thought it was my weekly column. I got a call from him saying it was one of the funniest things I had ever written, which was a little surprising since the article had intended for this week had to do with 85-year-old grandpas having strokes. Then when he read it to me, I realized it was your affidavits. Congratulations on being published. My next column of "Edgewise" will have your name along with mine in the by-line under the title, “Bev Patterson, Woman Veterinarian, Who Almost Failed in Love.”
As for comments about nursing, thanks for your opinion. Both mom and my lovely Deanna have assured me that a woman’s first priority as a mother is to stop nursing as soon as possible, otherwise the baby will sense your unhappiness and resent you for the rest of your life. I think women who have nursed, even if it was a few months, know a little more about it than you do. Since I opened my mind to Sheilagh Shaughnessy's story, it's as if I'm a conduit for her, allowing her to say in her own words what happened to her in that bleak, foreign place, with a man she called husband, and hardly knew. I see Sheilagh struggling to reach the town of Bodner. I see her reaching the little corner grocery with the meager earnings of her farm. She has a choice. Does she use the money to buy more grass seed for making sod, does she buy the magic beans from the crazy old man on the corner, or does she buy baby formula? As the strong woman she is, her very nature and the future happiness of herself and consequently her baby, cry out for the formula. She enters the store and asks the man behind the counter for some baby formula, fearing that her information is right and that only homemade recipes exist in 1945. Then Sheilagh rejoices that her information is wrong. The grocer tells Sheilagh that by the late 1920's, there was Similac and Sobee. Sheilagh’s baby won’t grow up to be unhappy, resenting his mother for the unhappiness of having to breastfeed, and Sheilagh has managed to gain one hard-earned piece of her freedom.
I congratulate Sheilagh for her achievement, just as I congratulate you for your publication.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:24 PM, Anonymous said…
Liz, I can assure you that the affidavits April wrote about were real, and not something she mocked up on a laptop. I was an official witness for my parents' signing the documents. I'm not sure why it was so important to April, but for whatever reason, I guess it was!
Cheers,
Laura
At 6:25 PM, April Patterson said…
whatevs, mike, if sheilblecch is supposta be so strapped 4 cash, she shdn't b wasting $$$ on formula. but don't listen 2 me, as usual. u never listen 2 me. u never care what i think. u always think i'm wrong. automatically.
apes
At 7:04 PM, Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. “I never listen to you. I never care what you think. I always think you’re wrong.” Such accusations would cut me to the heart, if I thought you were serious.
As a Patterson, you are always right. It is your legacy. However, as the youngest Patterson (aside from my kids, since you are a few years older than they are, but they are catching up), you have to understand that your level of rightness is not as high as the level of rightness as a married Patterson, like mom or my lovely Deanna. However, you would be pleased to know that as a Patterson who is actually dating her childhood sweetheart, you do (at least at this particular time) have a rightness that outrights your older sister, who has not yet officially established herself with Anthony Caine. Once Elizabeth and Anthony become engaged, then Lizardbreath’s rightness would outright you. In fact, when you get right down to it, as a Patterson woman, once you are married and have a few children under your belt, your rightness will outright my rightness, since I am only a husband. As it is now, however, since I am married with children, I outright you and Liz.
Once you grasp this concept, and I am not sure why you haven’t gotten this yet, but you seem to be a little slow on the uptake of Pattersonian lifestyle concepts, then you will realize that your brother will always listen to you, and care what you think, and think you are right. But if what mom tells me disagrees, then you are not as right as she is. So, if mom’s story about Auntie Bev’s marriage or mom’s story about breast-feeding is a little different from yours, I am not telling you that your story is wrong. It’s just not as right as mom’s.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:09 PM, duncan anderson said…
Jer, d00d, I didnt steal yr gf. Theres just sumthing abt Evah that makes me want 2 eat 2 much turkey w/ her.
L8r. 23 more laps 2 go.
At 8:44 PM, Anonymous said…
duncan, dude. i don't wanna call u a liar, but in skool wenevah icu & ur not hangin' w/zandra, ur hangin' w/eva & i don't c eva wavin' ne turkey in fronta u. it's good ur gettin' sum action w/2 hott girlz, but i wish u picked a girl who wuzn't my gf. u evn get 2 wear ur gym outfit 2 classes. i wish i cud do that.
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