Uncle Phil
If U read the monthly letterz fr. my fam, U mite remember that Uncle Phil's been in Mboro b/c of Grandpa Jim's stroke. It loox as tho this wk is gonna B an Uncle Phil/Mom kinda wk in my blog entriez. NEway, Mom told me abt sumthing that happed @ the hospital recently when she an' Uncle Phil went 2 pay Gramps a visit. While Gramps an' Iris were silhouetted in the background, Phil told Mom, "He doesn't know me, Sis. Dad doesn't know me!" Mom was all, "Give him time, Phil." Then she led him out in2 the corridor, all "Let's go have a coffee." So while they were having coffee, there were sum ppl in the bkgd all silhouetted, xxcept in greyscale insteada solid black like Gramps and Iris had been. But NEway, Unk Phil was like, "It seems as tho the only time we get 2gether now is when there's a wedding or a funeral or..." And Mom cut him off with "We all have busy lives. In NE case--U're here." Uncle Phil was all, "But...he doesn't know that!!" And Mom placed her hands on Unk Phil's left arm and hand, all, "We do."
I know Mom was trying 2 make Uncle Phil feel better and all, but I started thinking. We don't C him an' Aunt Georgia often--like make that almost never. But when we do, it's always them coming here. Y don't we ever go visit them in Montreal? And B4 Mike and Liz start posting w/their "Gah, U're so stupid, April" comments, yes, I know all abt my 'rents' anti-French prejudices. Still, that's a really lame reason not 2 visit relliez.
Apes
I know Mom was trying 2 make Uncle Phil feel better and all, but I started thinking. We don't C him an' Aunt Georgia often--like make that almost never. But when we do, it's always them coming here. Y don't we ever go visit them in Montreal? And B4 Mike and Liz start posting w/their "Gah, U're so stupid, April" comments, yes, I know all abt my 'rents' anti-French prejudices. Still, that's a really lame reason not 2 visit relliez.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:46 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:57 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
I didnt no that the reason y we went 2 TO yesterday was that Zed wanted 2 find Bambi 2 prove I rilly like them. I cld of told Zed if she asked me that its way 2 cold now 4 topless squeegieing. We went 2 the squat 2 c if Bambi was there but it was torn down 4 condo construction. I told Zed that I thot that Bambi went home 2 Edmonton 4 the winter, neway. So we stopped looking 4 Bambi & went 2 the Reindeer Restaurant 4 sum brews. We looked up @ the waitress 2 give r orders & there was Bambi. She goes 2 me, I no u, u r not 19 yo, I wont serve u, but my shift is ovah @ 4pm if u want 2 chill @ my place. So I got a dbl dbl & Zed & Enid & Enids creepy bf got a pitcher of Blue while we waited 4 Bambi 2 finish her shift.
Bambi has a rilly cube bachelor condo in Kensington Market. She says she saved the downpayment from squeegieing but she had 2 take a job @ the Reindeer Restaurant 2 get a mortgage so shes retired from topless squeegieing. Enids creepy bf was rilly jelous, hes been running this used vinyl record store 4 15 yrs & hes still living in a rooming house. He said hes going 2 sell his business & go in2 topless squeegieing. I told him he wldnt make ne $ cos he doesnt have ****. I felt rilly embarassed aft saying **** & thot Zed wld b pissed @ me 4 saying ****, but she was rilly happy, & started yelling, u c, Duncan, u rilly do like ****! Bambi goes, duh, he nevah cld save ne $ cos he kept going 2 Hooters, he said 4 the chicken wings, yah rite, he was going 4 the ****.
So I guess the day was all rite xcept I had 2 promise Zed nevah 2 look @ Evah's **** again & 2 wrap myself in tinfoil b4 I put on my skool uni. If u hear ne weird crinkling sounds in class, its prolly me.
L8r.
At 10:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
duncan, tinfoil! dude. now it all makes sense. u hafta have clothez on that allow the heat 2 escape frum ur body, or u will cook urself. & u hafta leave sum place in the tinfoil where u can go 2 the washroom, u know. no wondah wen i saw u in the hall @skool u looked like u were ‘bout 2 die. u gotta take that stuff off, dude.
At 10:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Interesting story about Uncle Phil. You are quite right, that our family has turned into a family who doesn’t visit relatives. You’ve seen Grandpa Will and Grandma Carrie more recently than anyone else. I haven’t seen them since they came to Milborough for dad’s 50th birthday party back in 1999. My wife Deanna is constantly waiting for her sister Andrea to visit us and she hasn’t seen her since our wedding in 2001. One of Elizabeth’s closest friends from school is Shawna-Marie Verano, who lives in Milborough, and Elizabeth hasn’t seen her since New Years Eve 2005. Instead of blaming anti-French prejudices, the problem can be attributed to one person and one person only, Mira Sobinski. She visits her relatives so often, and in particular Deanna and me; that ever since the Sobinskis established ties to the Patterson family by my marriage, mom has felt the need to set a proper visiting example, that everyone else in family has followed. So, little sis, do not blame anti-French prejudices. It is a lame reason not to visit relatives. Instead, blame my mother-in-law. That is a perfectly valid reason.
As for Uncle Phil, I guess when you get right down to it, if Grandpa Jim doesn’t remember who he is, then Uncle Phil could tell him that he visits Grandpa Jim all the time, and he would never know, as long as he said it when Iris and mom weren’t around to correct him. It would be sort of like mom when she says she visits us all the time to see our children, when she has actually only been to my apartment once when my son had the earaches. Now, if I could just figure out what mom meant when she told me that looking at Uncle Phil she keeps on expecting him to smell of salt water, fish, and a giant squid.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:30 AM,
howard said…
April,
I came back from this weekend’s trip to do the special Outward Bound for hairdressers for the whole Sugar’s Salon staff to go to it including me and Marjee Mahaha. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to go, since I thought I was going to be in prison now. But thanks to my trial delay, I was able to go. I know I may be in prison next month and no one in Milborough remembers me. But in any case, I was here for the trip, and that’s what counts.
We had a blast with the outdoor activities, which was a white water canoeing, camping, and fishing expedition. Needless to say, I impressed everyone with my ability to suck a fish out of the water with my mouth, and my cooking skills over the outdoor fire. There were a few Outward Bound instructors who play for the same team I do, and I got to demonstrate my sucking and cooking skills with them also. Marjee started calling me a teacher’s pet, and I will have to admit it was true. Marjee was a little tense from being away from her boyfriend, Warren Blackwood, but she agreed to let me use some tension releasers to relax her and unfortunately, she was a little noisy. So, after I was done with Marjee, there was a line of hairdressers and Outward Bound staffers who wanted me to do the same thing. Let me tell you, April, things go a lot better on an outdoor trip when people are relaxed.
The only downside is I broke the heel off one of my best pairs of outdoor hiking pumps and my hiking dress got ripped. Other than that, it was a great weekend.
Howard Bunt
At 11:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes, wow, i like totally 4got u even had a uncle phil! i remember he used to come around sumtimez when u were little, but not 4 a long time. that's 2 bad, he managed 2 make music in2 a career an' b happy even tho ur dad sez a professional musician is selfish an' lonely. it mite of been nice if u could of had his influence. hey, mayb ur parents made him stay away so u wouldn't get a "bad influence"?!
well i'm glad howie's back frum his trip. i want 2 spend as much time as poss w/ him b4 he goes 2...u know...the p word. when he came back i gave him a present--a whole bunch of tulip bulbs. i told him when he gets back frum the p word an' we get married an' have r own house, we will plant the tulip bulbs in r own frunt yard.
howie is afraid he's going 2 the p word 4evah. i could just smack his mom, putting those ideas in his hed. then again i herd a rumor that there mite b a super secret law that sez a crime against a patterson gets a super harder sentence. i guess we'll find out. but 4 rite now i'm happy w/ the delay. when howie goes 2 the p word i won't have ne1 2 snuggle.
becks
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Wow, it's interesting that Uncle Phil is here, when did that happen, is he staying with us, because I totally haven't seen him yet, I guess it's because of all the time I've been spending with Anthony to prepare for the trial, also as you know I have a new job and I need to work really hard so they don't think I'm a slacker when I take a day or two off to go to the sex pervert trial, as you know a teacher must set a good example, that's why I wear my hair in a bun.
I am still so happy since Mike's compliment from yesterday that I wish I could take the day off to celebrate, and walk a trapline or one of the other traditional things that a Native does when she's not in school, of course I don't have a trapline, hmm I wonder why I can't remember what the other thing Native children commonly take time off from school for, well, I guess it doesn't matter, I would probably just go to the mall.
Liz
At 4:50 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Well, the second meeting with Arne and Jeremy went about as well as the first. Jeremy arrived at the Three Kronen and shook hands with Arne.
"Mr. Larson..." he started.
"Just Arne. Only the process server calls me 'Mr. Larson.'"
"OK, Arne. Do you have the money I lent you?" Jeremy asked. Arne said he'd get around to that later. Charles Wallace arrived at that point, lugging a briefcase.
"Where's the outlet? I've got Dad's laptop," he said. Arne pointed him over to the other side of the cigarette machine. Charles Wallace started up the laptop and went to a PowerPoint presentation.
"DUNCAN'S PROBLEM: SOME SOLUTIONS"
"When'd you do that?" I asked.
"I told my teacher I had to go to the computer lab," Charles Wallace said.
"But there's no computer lab at Glenallen," I said.
"Well, she doesn't know that," my brother said. "I put a lot of work into this, so start watching." So we watched his presentation. "Any questions?" Jeremy raised his hand.
"Yeah, what does this have to do with me not having a girlfriend any more?" Charles Wallace looked disgusted.
"I laid out three simple possible solutions to that: breast hypnosis, which I think is least likely, mind control related to an electronic device, and mind control related to something organic that suppresses the neural pathways." Now Arne sputtered.
"Why is breast hypnosis least likely?"
"Well, if it were true, then Sandra or this Bambi person would have undisputed control of Duncan and his mind. Eva's simply don't compete." It was my turn to sputter.
"I wanted to keep my appearance out of this," I said. Charles Wallace went on about how it was vital for Duncan to protect his neural pathways.
"So that's why he was wrapped in tinfoil," Jeremy said. "I thought he was trying out a tin man of Oz costume really early."
"Sandra, I told you to tell him to wrap his head in tinfoil," my brother said.
"I did! It's not my fault two high speed trains went by when I was talking to him!"
"Sandra, you're a smart girl, but you and your brother couldn't plan a piss-up in a brewery," Arne said. Jeremy was about to leave since the rest of us were about to hit each other.
"Er, where is Duncan anyway?" I asked. "I thought he'd be studying with April." We then realized that we'd probably left him with Eva and an afternoon of decaf.
At 6:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my 2nd meeting w/zandra, her little bro & her uncle arne went pretty much like zandra described. they started arguin’ w/each other @the three kronen pretty loudly, wen i heard sum1 going “psst!” 2 me or us, i couldn’t tell. aftah all, who goes “psst!” 2 get sum1’s attention? the person who wuz goin’ “psst!” wuz a teenaged girl & she wuz surround by 2 rilly big guyz & she had a funny accent.
she sed, “i overheard ur convo & i think i may b able 2 help. but 1st i have a couple of questionz 2 ask u.” i sed, “& thoze questionz r?” the girl sed, “do u know wut the capital city of nigeria iz?” i sed, “abuja.” i know this cuz eva’z last name iz abuya, cuz her fam originally comez frum nigeria. the teenage girls sed, “thass rite. now do u know ne superheroes frum abuja?” i sed, “no.” then the girl sed, “& do u know ne supervillains frum abuja?” i sed, “no.” then the girl sed, “& do u know ne daughters of supervillainz frum abuja?” i sed, “no. i don’t know ne aunts or unclez either.” the girl sed, “thass gud. now u have answered thoze questions, i have sumthin’ 2 tell u.” i sed, “wut’s that? the gross national product of abuja.”
the girl sed, “ur feeble attempt @humour iz not appreciated. i have a device that haz been especially built 2c if it can counteract the mind controlling abilitiez of this eva girl i heard u discussin’.” i sed, ‘& the catch iz?” the girl sed, “the catch iz that i don’t know 4 sure if it works.” i sed, “u cud just hang ‘round eva & try it out wenevah she goez off w/duncan.” the girl sed, “no. no. no. i don’t want 2b recognized. that wud b bad. however, i cud give it 2 ur pale and dark female friend ovah there, & she cud try it out 4 me, & if it worked, she cud keep it.”
i sed, “y can’t i uze it? i’m the 1 who lost a gf.” the girl sed, “ur 2 vulnerable 2 this eva girl’z powerz, since ur a heterosexual male. only a heterosexual woman can wield it.” if u can interrupt thoze 3 from their fightin’, tell the girl i wud like 2 talk 2 her, & show her how my device works.” so i went to zandra & told her wut the girl sed. she looked @the girl & went ovah 2 talk 2 her. i dunno wut they sed, cuz i cudn’t hear it, but zandra looked rilly innerested n wut the girl wuz sayin’.
At 6:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, sorry the school nurse called u in 2 her office 2 lecture u on "appropriate methods of w8 reduction". i guess she thot yr tinfoil was a way 2 try an' lose turkey w8.
mike, it's a mira thing? huh, wda nev guessed.
howard, i m glad 2 hear u had fun @ outward bound, tho sorry u messed up yr hiking pumps and hiking dress!
becks, i think u mite b on2 sumthing abt my 'rents keeping me away fr. unk phil's influence. i agree it's 2 bad.
liz, i think that other thing u r trying 2 remember, that kept mtig kidz outta school? was tending 2 their sick mishomises (grandpas). hey, how 'bout u visit gramps!
zandra, jeremy, how curious! pls lemme know what happs!
apes
At 6:55 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
It took a bit for Jeremy to stop us from arguing. He said he had important information and I needed to follow him. Charles Wallace decided to follow me.
Jeremy introduced me to a girl with two large bodyguards (Arne saw them and ran into the men's room--I guess he thought they were magician enforcers). She said, "I see you have a problem with your male friend's volitionary pathways." I said yes, and that we were confused about what to do about it. She showed me a small device, about the size and shape of pager.
"It looks like a pager," I said.
"Yes, but it's actually a signal dampnener, or at least it's supposed to be," she answered.
"Whoa," I said. I couldn't help myself.
"Enough with the feeble Keanu Reeves imitation--only you, or your brother, can use this successfully," she said. Charles Wallace suddenly looked very interested.
"Why me, too?" he asked.
"You are pre-adolescent, and not under the thrall of your hormones. Now, I grow weary of answering your questions: take the device now, and I shall return in a week to ask you to report on its effects." She gave me the device, stared purposefully at Charles Wallace and me, and then swept out with the two men. Arne came out of the men's room at that point.
"Hey, you kids want a ride back? Wilco's driving," he said.
"Wilco?" I asked. Jeremy was trying very hard to leave at this point.
"Yeah, I picked him up in Niagara Falls last week. There was an article in the paper about him and some of his buddies, and I thought I could help out." Jeremy, Charles Wallace, and I went outside with Arne and walked to his car. Wilco was behind the wheel.
"Arne, that's a rabbit!"
"An SAS trained rabbit, you mean," Arne retorted.
At 6:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
No no, I am sure you are wrong, I distinctly remember them saying something about hanging with "me homies," which as you know is urban African-American slang for "my friends," which of course is normal, if you have some friends in town, but I don't, except for Anthony, and I already hung out with him last week so I can't spend more time with him, the trick is to spend just enough time and then pull back, that's how I have always operated and you see what a success my love life is today. Anyway, I decided to blow off this afternoon so I faked a cough and went home and ate a casserole that was in the fridge with a note stuck on top that said it was from Anne Nichols and it said something about being sorry for something, and that it was a prime rib and mashed potatos with cheese casserole, I ate the whole thing, it was so good, and then I got in bed with Shiimsa and we had a really great cuddle, and even though I used up a whole bottle of Bactine afterwards, it was fantastic, I'm taking a nap now to ward off the kind of depression that can happen when you are the complainant in an assault case.
Liz
At 7:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
liz u tard, that casserole wuz frum the sharon park drive emergency casserole fone tree. i know cuz i ended up accidentally having 2 run it that time anne almost killed her husband. the thing anne wuz sorry about wuz that ur gramps had a stroke an' is really sick. i can't blieve how clueless u r! sheesh u know that casserole wuz 2 feed peeps when they come home frum a long day at the hospital, not 2 feed lazy ass skanky school teachers who only care abt themselves.
sorry 2 get so worked up abt this but u know i can't help but take it personally after 1ce having 2 sub as captain of the casserole fone tree. it is hard work. also, it is rare 2 get such a good casserole as 1 that has PRIME RIB in it. that's the king of meats, according 2 most of milboro an' those quiznos commercials. usually u get stuff like pineapple avocado surprize. or at least u do when i'm captain. i don't think i did a very good job, actually.
what wuz i saying? o yeah, liz u suk.
becks
At 7:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, mom an' phil just got back from 2day's hospital visit, and mom was all, "we've got this nice casserole from anne nichols, and i've been looking forward to it all day." then she saw the empty dish in the sink, and i was feeding the pets just then. she was all, "april! who 8 this casserole?!?!" and i was like, "not me, i 8 @ ger'z house 2day. watercress, celery, and one quarter of a rice cake. delish." and she was, like, "yr dad?" and i told her dad had dinner with the choo-choo club, roast chicken, couscous, an' fruit, no doubt." so then she was all, "elizabeth patterson, get your widening bottom down here!" liz hasn't answered yet. this isn't gonna b pretty, yo.
apes
At 9:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, the rabbit can drive. zandra’z uncle arne wuz not rabbitin’ about wen he sed the rabbit wuz trained. u may think ur dad iz a fast driver, wen he haz teenage boyz n the car w/him; but he’z nothin’ compared 2 this rabbit. we were zoomin’ ‘round curvez. by we, i mean zandra, her little bro, & her uncle arne & me. i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout tryin’ 2 escape frum this group of zandra’z relativez, but i cudn’t pass up a chance 2b driven by a sas-trained rabbit.
eventually zandra started screamin’ @the rabbit 2 slow down. i think it wuz mainly cuz her little bro started gigglin’ like a maniac, & also mainly cuz she had been slung up against me a little 2 close 4 comfort. like her red hair wuz all ovah my face & i started 2 have trubble breathin’, kind of close. 4tun8ly, we stopped b4 i started chokin’ & i noticed we were n fronta my house & i noticed that zandra wuz practically on top of me. her uncle sed sumthin’ ‘bout her makin’ a new friend, & her little bro laffed & zandra growled @them & kinda growled @me i shudn’t get ne ideaz just cuz she wuz slung on top of me by a insane rabbit driver. i told her i didn’t & got outa the car. zandra iz kinda scary wen she’z mad.
neway, i told her 2 let me know if that pager/dampener thing worked, cuz i figger if eva can’t keep duncan az her bf, then mebbe i have a chance w/eva. ‘course then i wuz wonderin’ y i wud want a chance, since she seemed 2 like duncan more than me. b4 i hadda chance 2 change my mind ‘bout that, the rabbit already drove away & i cud hear zandra’z little bro gigglin’ like a crayzee az they were leavin’. u know, zandra haz pretty clean hair 4 a z-girl. zenobia barnaby always smellz like cigarette smoke.
At 9:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, a rabbit that drives! don't tell buttsy, i don't want her 2 get ne funny ideas!
btw, liz, remember when u insisted mom hadta put up a dictionary of ojibwe words in that mtig part of the fam website? well, take a look @ the list of family words, if u do u'll notice:
Grandfather: mishomis
btw, do u totally tune out when paul uses ojibwe words? cuz he talks abt his mishomis kinda often.
apes
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