This would be a great time to mention PAUL!
Liz just told me the next bit of her story abt Anthony on their "deposition" day. U'll remember that he took her 2 C his house when they finished giving their st8ments. After they toured the basement, with its playhouse-jail 4 "Francie", Anthony led Liz up 2 the kitchen and started 2 cook sumthing. As he stood in the kitchen wearing a polka dotted oven mitt and no shoes, he told her, "I've b-come totally domesticated, Liz! I cook, I sew, I go 2 meetings @ the daycare centre..." I guess that last bit answers the question abt where Françoise was during all this. Then he took off his oven mitt, put his hand on top of his cooking pot (ow!), and sed, "And 4 fun, I belong 2 the local astronomy club. In fact, I'm the president!" Astronomy club, eh? What a coinky-dink. A coinky-dink possibly spelled Mom telling A. that stargazing makes Lizzie feel all romantic, but w/out telling him Y that mite B?
So NEway, Liz was all, "Really? My grandfather [who just had a stroke] gave me a good telescope. I used it 2 teach the kids up north abt the stars. We had such clear nites there." Liz sed she cd feel her lips blooming in2 the full lips of loveliness as she talked abt this, and she cd feel Anthony staring @ her thru the croner of his eye. Again. But she went on, all, "U cd C every crater on the moon ... and the milky way was like a river!--It was an astronomer's dream." Then she noticed Anthony giving her a crizzeepy look, and she had 2 ask, "Y R U looking @ me like that?!" And he was all, "Oh....Just dreaming." Oh, yuck.
So then, Liz and I had a lil convo that went kinda like this:
Me: So then U told him abt that nite last November when U met Paul, rite? During the stargazing party?
Liz: Well, um...
Me: When he showed up w/Mom's sunglasses, and U noticed that his parka matched yrs exactly? And how when he gave U the glasses, U sed, "Thank you, Paul. That was so thoughtful! Um...would U like NEthing? Coffee? Hot chocolate?" And then thought, "My phone #?"
Liz: Well, U C....
Me: Liz, this was the perfect segue into telling Anthony how much Paul meanz 2 U! Pls, pls, pls tell me U did!
Liz: April! Stop telling me what 2 do! I mite have mentioned Paul then, or I mite have gotten distracted and gone off on a different tangent. I'll tell U more when or if I'm in a telling kind of mood, and if that even happens, it won't B until late Sunday or early Monday. B-cuz U know Sunday is different-topic day 4 us!
Then she picked up her laptop and went back 2 the guest room.
BTW, Liz sez that all this Anthony stuff has her thinking back on hi-school stuff, like something that happed in January of 1996. Liz was having lunch in the caf, with Anthony, Dawn Enjo, and Shawna-Marie Verano. Liz rememberz being all, "I told U that Candace wd let U guyz do all the work, Dawn." She rememberz Dawn being all, "I know. But she sed we cd use her brother's computer, and..." And Anthony interrupted w/"An' U wanted 2 meet her brother!" Then Liz: "So? Come on!...Is he romance material?" Dawn was, like, "I dunno... We didn't have much of a conversation." Liz rememberz that Shawna Marie jumped in, all, "--He whapped her on the head w/his hockey shorts. An' called her 'flatso'." Liz remembers she an' Anthony had a big ol' laff over this, rite in Dawn's face. While Dawn closed her eyez, and sunk in2 her hand, like totally embarrassed, Liz thru back her head 2 laff w/her tung sticking out, and Anthony did a muppet-mouthed guffaw w/his eyebrowz raised all hi. Geez, Liz, what a hi-school Power!Couple U 2 musta been back then. ::rolleyez::
Apes
So NEway, Liz was all, "Really? My grandfather [who just had a stroke] gave me a good telescope. I used it 2 teach the kids up north abt the stars. We had such clear nites there." Liz sed she cd feel her lips blooming in2 the full lips of loveliness as she talked abt this, and she cd feel Anthony staring @ her thru the croner of his eye. Again. But she went on, all, "U cd C every crater on the moon ... and the milky way was like a river!--It was an astronomer's dream." Then she noticed Anthony giving her a crizzeepy look, and she had 2 ask, "Y R U looking @ me like that?!" And he was all, "Oh....Just dreaming." Oh, yuck.
So then, Liz and I had a lil convo that went kinda like this:
Me: So then U told him abt that nite last November when U met Paul, rite? During the stargazing party?
Liz: Well, um...
Me: When he showed up w/Mom's sunglasses, and U noticed that his parka matched yrs exactly? And how when he gave U the glasses, U sed, "Thank you, Paul. That was so thoughtful! Um...would U like NEthing? Coffee? Hot chocolate?" And then thought, "My phone #?"
Liz: Well, U C....
Me: Liz, this was the perfect segue into telling Anthony how much Paul meanz 2 U! Pls, pls, pls tell me U did!
Liz: April! Stop telling me what 2 do! I mite have mentioned Paul then, or I mite have gotten distracted and gone off on a different tangent. I'll tell U more when or if I'm in a telling kind of mood, and if that even happens, it won't B until late Sunday or early Monday. B-cuz U know Sunday is different-topic day 4 us!
Then she picked up her laptop and went back 2 the guest room.
BTW, Liz sez that all this Anthony stuff has her thinking back on hi-school stuff, like something that happed in January of 1996. Liz was having lunch in the caf, with Anthony, Dawn Enjo, and Shawna-Marie Verano. Liz rememberz being all, "I told U that Candace wd let U guyz do all the work, Dawn." She rememberz Dawn being all, "I know. But she sed we cd use her brother's computer, and..." And Anthony interrupted w/"An' U wanted 2 meet her brother!" Then Liz: "So? Come on!...Is he romance material?" Dawn was, like, "I dunno... We didn't have much of a conversation." Liz rememberz that Shawna Marie jumped in, all, "--He whapped her on the head w/his hockey shorts. An' called her 'flatso'." Liz remembers she an' Anthony had a big ol' laff over this, rite in Dawn's face. While Dawn closed her eyez, and sunk in2 her hand, like totally embarrassed, Liz thru back her head 2 laff w/her tung sticking out, and Anthony did a muppet-mouthed guffaw w/his eyebrowz raised all hi. Geez, Liz, what a hi-school Power!Couple U 2 musta been back then. ::rolleyez::
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:20 AM
11 Comments:
At 10:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
Little Sis,
I believe I have just the thing for your tangential "Sunday" post tomorrow. My lovely wife, daughter, son, and I are heading out to the farmer's market! I'm sure this will provide great material for a blog entry. I'll e-mail you late tonight or early tomorrow to let you know what happens.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April:
Howard asked me to let you and your friends know that we're not going to be able to post this weekend because our boss, Sugar, has arranged a special Outward Bound for hairdressers, and the whole Salon staff has to go to it! Wish us luck.
Marjee
At 6:02 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, April,
I don't know why everyone thinks that I am with Eva because of her "chest." I am with Eva because of her charming personality. I remember that we learned about "chests" in health class in Grade 6, and I suppose that Eva has one, but I'm not sure because I don't ever look at women's "chests." That would be very rude and I have lovely manners. Eva and I have been dating for several weeks and we are very happy together.
Later. Eva and I are going to Tim Hortons for some decaf.
Your platonic soulmate,
Duncan Anderson
At 6:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, i'd better go over 2 ht's an' c if i can help, duncan just really isn't himself!
btw, i was walking by the guest room an' heard crying. i thot sumthing must b really wrong, so i knocked, and liz kinda wailed, "come in." so i did, and asked her was was wrong. she was using her laptop and she sobbed, "april, i've been reading a message board for grey's anatomy, that show is so great! and there are all these ppl saying mean thingz abt meredith grey, like finn is 2 good 4 her and derek's a creep, so she and he deserve ea other! i can't understand y they hafta b so mean, april! it's just one post after another of ppl saying they h8 her and think she's super selfish. they just don't understand!" i was like, "hm, mayB u shdn't read that message bd if it makes u so upset." she was, like, "u're right, for a change." and she shut down her computer.
whatevs, i'm on my way 2 ht's.
apes
At 6:35 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hi April,
Eva and I are at Tim Hortons now.
I have never known such joy in my life as I have found staring into the face of my beloved while sipping a decaf and eating a sour cream doughnut. If you and Gerald are as happy as Eva and I are, you have found heaven on earth.
Your platonic soulmate,
Duncan Anderson
At 6:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, this is so weird. i'm @ horny t's, and duncan sez he's here, but i don't c him newhere! this is so strange! if ne1 sees duncan, pls write in!!!
apes
At 6:50 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Charles Wallace and I went to Tim Hortons and hid behind the gift display. Duncan was really acting strangely--he was drinking black decaf, and staring deeply into Eva's eyes. Charles Wallace videoed the two of them. When he focused on Eva's cell phone she saw him and pulled Duncan out the door. Charles Wallace claims the cell phone manufacturer doesn't exist. Now we're home, and I just looked up Duncan's entries on his own blog. I've got objective (if kind of embarrassing) proof that the real Duncan is interested in women's breasts. Maybe I better get Bambi into town for an intervention.
At 6:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, zandra, i guess i prolly just missed him!
apes
At 7:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I have the best cell phone in all of Milborough. The best!
Eva
At 12:00 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Dearest April,
Eva is the best girlfriend ever. I adore her. We will be together forever. I will be a dentist in Milborough, and she will raise our wonderful children, all of whom will assist in finding remedies for the social, political, economic and medical problems of this our planet.
I am somewhat worried that I am not up to the challenge of our relationship. I seem to be a bit forgetful. Tonight is ho... ho... I can't quite remember. Oh, goodie! Eva has reminded me that tonight is homework. Isn't she the best? I know that you must find the same solace in your relationship with Gerald.
Later.
Your platonic soulmate,
Duncan Anderson
At 4:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Sometimes my lovely Deanna gets the strangest ideas in her head, and then she feels the need to inflict them on the rest of the family. What can I do? She is my wife and she does control whether or not I get any. When she really insists on something, sometimes a good husband (like me) knows when to give in. The idea my Deanna had was to take the children to the farmer’s market to teach them about healthy eating and from whence our food comes. When Deanna told me this idea, I had this sudden feeling that Deanna had never actually been to a farm, like you and I have done on our summers to Auntie Bev’s farm in Winnipeg. I said to her, “Deanna, darling. Food does not come from farmers’ market stalls. It comes off plants at farms.” Deanna said, “Michael sometimes you say the funniest things. You crack me up!” This was not the response I had expected, but given Deanna’s mother’s overly protective nature when she was growing up, it seemed like a reasonable response. I said, “No seriously. The food at a farmers’ market comes from farms.” Deanna said, “Michael Patterson. We are going to the farmers’ market and that is that!! And I don’t want you saying anything to the children ridiculous like what you just said to me!!!”
So off to the farmers’ market we went. My daughter had on her new pink child identification collar, and Deanna had on her new psychedelic pants, with the colours that shimmer and change shape as she walks. I had on the standard Patterson men’s garb of V-necked sweater over a collared shirt, so popular with the men (and future men like Anthony Caine) in our family. My son had on a pair of overalls; Deanna wanted him to wear for some reason.
The children were initially afraid of the farmers’ market and eyed it suspiciously. There was a man selling lettuce, and I must admit he was a little too friendly for his own good, because he scared me a too. Next to him was an Egyptian woman selling zucchini. I know she was Egyptian because she had that little square chin the Egyptians had, like King Tut. Finally my daughter found a racial stereotype associated with a vegetable she liked and picked corn from the Latina corn lady. She said, “That lady looks she would be a lady who sells corn.” I said, “And what ethnicity is she?” My daughter said, “Indian. First Nations.” I said, “That’s a very good guess, but she is actually a Latina.” Deanna said, “Mike. We are not here to teach the children about ethnicities. We are here to teach the children where food comes from and about healthy food.” I ignored her and was about to ask my daughter if she knew the ethnicity of the Oriental lady selling honey at The Honey House, but my daughter was interested in other things.
She saw the broccoli and said, “Mom. Vegetables you can play ‘trees’ with. Those wooden ‘trees’ grandpa John gave me left over from his choo-choos broke. I could use these instead.” Deanna was busy picking the corn vegetable my daughter had already chosen, and did not realize what my daughter had said, but when my daughter picked up a broccoli spear and presented it to her by saying, “Look mommy. This end of this vegetable looks like one of my pigtails,” Deanna knew she had to buy it.
Have I mentioned what a good climber my son is these days? I wasn’t looking and he leapt onto my back and grabbed me around the neck. He had a death grip on me, so I grabbed his feet and tried to pull him off. I know most people would think a 2-year-old doesn’t have much arm strength, but that is not the case with my son. He was able to support his whole weight by holding onto my neck for a long time. Not only did my effort to get him off my back fail, but when he saw my daughter with the broccoli, he managed to hold on with just one hand, using the other hand to point to his favorite vegetable in the entire world, carrots; and say the word “Coins” while he was pointing. He is so advanced for his age. He continued climbing until he ended up on my shoulders, with his death grip around my chin. I was afraid he might snap my neck, so when he pointed at the cotton candy, I wanted to jump on the opportunity to get him to release me, but I had to wait for a time when Deanna was not around, since she would not approve of an unhealthy food purchase, even if it meant saving my neck. Fortunately that time came soon afterwards. Deanna broke wind and it was so powerful, not only did she break wind, but she created little whirlwind of gaseous waste materials. She had to excuse herself, and my chance came. I lured my son off my shoulders by telling him he could have any colour cotton candy he wanted.
In the meantime, my daughter learned a new game called, “Pop goes the pumpkin” which was mainly about her hiding in the pumpkins and then popping out sideways from the stack of pumpkins to surprise someone. The pumpkin sales person got tired of this game, and so Deanna ended up buying one of the pumpkins in compensation. When my daughter caught on to the idea that my son was going to get cotton candy, she wanted some too.
When Deanna came back from the little woman’s room, she was not happy to find me buying cotton candy. I told her that the reason I bought the cotton candy was because cotton candy is the part of the trip that they would remember. But as I looked at my son with the 2 tiny, delicate hands, ripping into the cotton candy unmercifully, I thought, “That could have been my head and neck.” My daughter had a much better idea of how to use the cotton candy. She fashioned it into a makeshift blonde beard and was trying to get it to stick to her neck. I predict a career in stage makeup design for her. Deanna was horrified at my suggestion of this career choice.
And that’s the story of our trip. You should come with us next time, but be careful to avoid my son when he is one of his jumping moods.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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