April's Real Blog

Friday, October 20, 2006

Taking Gramps Home

When Iris decided that she wanted 2 take Gramps home, she told the doc, who was all, "He's going 2 need a lot of care, Mrs. Richards." Iris sez she was a bit put off by all the str8-edged items in the doc's office: large manilla envelopes, tables, the desk, the laptop--everything looked as tho it had been drawn w/a ruler. And the envelopes just looked 2 neat. NEway, she told the doc, "I can manage! I can learn what 2 do! I can get him in and out of a wheelchair! I can bathe and cook 4 him!" The doc was all,"Being a full-time caregiver is xxhausting. It's a big responsibility, Iris." Iris sez she did that hand-2-sternum gesture she's learned fr. joining our fam, and she sed, "I'm up 2 the task! Let me take him home." The doc was like, "We'll set U up w/the assistance program, then... and C that U get all the help that U need." Iris sez they were both in silhouette during that last bit. "I don't like when that happens, dear", Iris told me. Then she went in2 Grandpa Jim's hospital room, went up 2 him, and sed, "Jim! Jim! I have good news!" Next, she was all, "April, I don't know how I know this, but I had the distinct impression--no, it was more than that, I just knew--that he was thinking, '...I don't have 2 eat my carrots?' And I felt a little sad that he'd think that instead of 'U're taking me home!' I actually went 2 the washroom and cried a little bit. But then I pulled myself 2gether quickly. A caretaker has 2 hold herself 2gether."

Shannon, I'm such a goof! The "surprise book" part of that message I posted yesterday was meant 2 B addressed 2 Howard, I just 4got 2 write in "Howard". Sorry 4 the confusion. I 4got that U also bought a book, tho I don't remember U saying it was a surprise 2 NE1, but it was nice of U 2 play along like that!!!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM  

17 Comments:

  • At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am very sad.

    One, because you didn't remember I had a surprise book too. And two, because when I gave that Braille edition of Go Ask Alice (we got from Lilliput’s last night after we visited your grandpa) to Nolan Sears, and I asked him to be my boyfriend, he said no. I told him I would learn to help him with his cane. I told him I could learn to get him in and out of cars and buildings. I told him I would cook for him and bathe him, if he needed me to. Nolan said, “Thanks for the book, and the invitation to be your boyfriend. But, I don’t really need people to do those things for me, especially my girlfriend. I’m trying to be independent.”

    I said, “But in Milborough, the women like to do things for their boyfriends. It’s what all the girls do.” Nolan said, “But it’s not what the boys want them to do. When you’re a blind guy, there are lots of girls who want to take care of you in Milborough. I get a call every week from the Milborough Marching Martyrs Movement (MMMM) asking me if there is something they can go out of their way to do for me.” I felt bad. I said, “Sorry, Nolan. I like you, and I thought this was the way to tell you.” Nolan said, “I like you too, Shannon. But not in that way.”

    April, I don’t want to be mean. But I am never taking boyfriend advice from your step grandmother again.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i told my mom ‘bout ur blog entry 2day & how ur step grandmother wuz plannin’ 2 take ur grandpa home, cuz mom works in hospital & knowz ‘bout this stuff. mom sed, “thass a little early izn’t it? he’s only been in hospital 4 three weeks. the doctor wud hafta b an idiot 2 cave n2 her if he izn’t ready 2 travel. duz he wunt a malpractice lawsuit? b-sidez it shudn’t b hiz decision, but a discharge team’s, & only aftah her grandpa has done a lotta tyme n rehab. & there shud b a social worker talkin’ 2 her ‘bout the consequences of takin’ him home.” but then she sed, “but frum wut u told me ‘bout this hospital the last couple of dayz, it sounded like the doctors @the hospital r complete moronz, so her husband may b better off w/her. she could bring him up 2 the hospital where i work n toronto. & then she can malpractice lawsuit the pants off the st00pid hospital. that wud b better.” so, mom approves of ur step grandmother’s planz, sorta kinda.

    by the way, if ur innerested, i have sum cowboy musick concert tix i wuz plannin’ 2 go w/eva 2nite, but since we’re broke up, i’m not takin’ her. so if ur free & don’t have a d8 w/gerald or nethin’, lemme know if u wanna go. az friendz of course. nothin’ romantic.

     

  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your nokomis (grandmother) asking the doctor to let her take your mishomis (grandfather) home. When I visited your house in Milborough, I did not get to meet your nokomis (grandmother), but it sounds like she is just as fine a woman as your ngashi (mother) and she likes to cook the same things. I remember tasting your ngashi (mother’s) carrot casserole surprise 2 times, going down and going back up after my visit, I was so sick from food poisoning.

    I asked my sweet girl what she thought about your nokomis (grandmother) asking the doctor to let her take your mishomis (grandfather) home. She said, “I had my lesson plans all ready and I got ngashi (mom) to buy some Fisher-Price toys, which she thinks are for Robin and Merrie. Now it’s all ruined. Poor mishomis (grandpa) Jim has to live at home being taken care of by Iris. Better him than me.” I told her that was not the response I expected. Elizabeth said, “Iris has already been doing all those things for years. The only new thing she is doing for Grandpa Jim is to have to talk for him too.” I asked my sweet girl if your ngashi (mother) was planning to help with her mishomis (grandpa’s) home care. She said, “No. Don’t be silly, Paul. Ngashi (mother) has to take care of me and April and dad.”

    I was confused by what your sister was trying to tell me until I went to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to prepare for their annual autumn pow-wow. My friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) said to me, “Suds (her nickname for me), since you don’t live here in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), allow me to take care of you this weekend.” I told Chipper it wasn’t necessary, since I had relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and I had been there before. Chipper said, “Suds. You’re not going to tell me taking care of you is too exhausting and too much of a responsibility and I will need help, are you?” I said, “No, Chipper.” Chipper said, “That’s good news. Now while you are eating your baloney and bannock, let me take those shoes off for you. A member of the Ontario Provincial Police, who has been working all day, needs a good foot rub from a strong Ojibway woman. Then after that we can go over our pow-wow dance moves together.” I told Chipper that would be great. I must admit, it has been nice to do some traditional Ojibway activities with someone who loves to do that as much as I do. I have really missed dancing the dances of my people. It’s going to be strange, when I get my transfer to Toronto, to have to give all this up for your sister. But I can manage! I’m up to the task! I can learn what to do, to be a Southerner. Your sister will be worth it.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I see you have left out the story that preceded the one you told in your Blog entry. I am a little surprised, since it is a more interesting story than the “Iris begging the doctor” story you have told. There is a reason for Iris to be so anxious to take Grandpa Jim home, as no doubt your humble Blog readers have ascertained. Grandpa Jim could have stayed in hospital for another month probably. However, mom suddenly came to the realization that if she offered to be the full-time caregiver for Grandpa Jim, then she could move him back into her house and have yet another reason why she would not have to move to the little house dad wants to retire to. Dad is obsessed with that house. It has gotten so bad, that he has even called me to talk about the owner of the house, George Stibbs, retired railroader. I have heard so many stories about railroad track repair. “Oy! What a shmendrick!” as my landlady Lovey would say. There’s a story too boring for even me to make exciting.

    Well anyway, Iris supposedly got wind of mom’s plans, and ran down to the medical record storage area of the hospital to find Grandpa Jim’s doctor. And then what you described happened. I suppose now that Grandpa Jim is going home, dad and I need to put in those apartment upgrades we talked about. Now wait a minute. I thought we already did that back at the beginning of October. I am starting to lose track of time.

    I think my lovely Deanna is starting to lose it too. She came into my attic a little while ago and said to me, “Mike. Don’t I help you in and out of this attic? Don’t I run a bath for you, and cook for you?” I said, “Yes. What do you want?” Dee said, “Being a full-time mom and wife is a big responsibility.” I said, “And?” Deanna said, “I have a package here that’s supposed to go to Carleen. If Carleen or Lovey Salzman asks for it, it’s here. If a guy named Ned Hall asks for it, you don’t know anything about no stinking package.” I said, “That package is scented?” Deanna said, “Never mind. Just don’t give anything to Ned Hall, eh?” I said, “You can count on me.” Deanna said, “Good. Oh and Mike, I brought you your favourite dinner---carrot coins.” One of these days, I am going to have to convince Deanna that carrots coins do not make a whole meal. By the way, if you’re free this evening, Deanna said it would be really good to have an innocent teenaged Patterson girl around the house. I promise Deanna will make something without carrots in it. Maybe broccoli.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:27 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I will have to admit I do not understand your family’s obsession with carrots. I see the older women in your family doing it (your mother, Iris, your brother’s wife) and I fear you will fall into the same trap. At first I thought it must be because there is some sort of running joke about carrots in your family or maybe just a family tendency to think a carrot is a funny-sounding vegetable. But you actually eat carrots, so that can’t be it. After all, I think Bok choi, Zucchini, Rutabaga, Navet, or Wasabi have funnier-sounding names. If I say Bok choi in a Charlie Chan voice, it never fails to get a laugh. I remember when you made me that wonderful vegetable lasagna you like to make, I could not help but to notice that one of the main ingredients was carrots. I fear for your culinary future April.

    Of course, the person I worry about the most these days is Becky. She has gotten so used to having me around. I bathe her and give her her morning shamp-Oh. I cook for her. I clean for her. I get her out of bed, when she really wants to sleep in. I sew the sequins on her performance outfits, when they come in from the costume manufacturer all mangled. I get her homework assignment from her school, when she has to miss a class in order to do an interview with a radio or television station. Being a full-time Becky care giver is exhausting and a big responsitibility. I hope her father, Thorvald gets her assistants that are up to the task and the help she needs after your sister puts me in prison. He says he will, but I still worry.

    Just to let you know, Becky is taking me out for dinner tonight, because she says she wants to take care of me for a change. I am supposed to extend an invitation for you to come along, just in case Becky doesn’t see you in school for some reason.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yo howie, apes is alreddy in luv w/ carrots. she calls them "'rots." yeah, that's rite. apes is so in luv w/ carrots that she made us make up a slang word 4 them.

    what i think is krazee is that apes's fat old granny thinks she can get grandpa jim in an' outta the bath tub on her own, an' in an' outta bed on her own. all this shizz abt him taking showers on his own--if he keeps doing that w/o all the feeling in his legs, he is gonna fall an' break a hip. that's what my dad sez. u know, he took care of his dad, mord mcguire, b4 he died. dad wuz not a very good caregiver cuz he wuz w/ the bandidos then so grandpa mord wuz on his own a lot. he fell in the shower 18 times. grandpa mord ended up w/ 2 broken hips, a busted collar bone, a broken arm, 3 broken ribs, a collapsed lung, an' a depressed skull fracture. he wuz in bad shape an' they ended up having 2 put him in a nursing home. don't let ur incompetent granny take grandpa jim home w/ her unless she has full-time help. letting her do it alone iz a recipe 4 disaster. an' that recipe duzn't have rots in it. trust me.

    howie is all worried abt what will happen 2 my care an' maintenance when he goes 2 the p word. so we r interviewing peeps 4 my entourage. he thinks i need a whole gang of personal assistants. we r having a argument abt that. he thinks we will need 6 working in 6 hour shifts around the clock, w/ 2 assistants per shift during the morning an' evening shifts an' 1 assistant per afternoon an' overnite shift. i told him i m not as hi maintenance as he thinks. i will only need 3 assistants working in 8 hour shifts around the clock. but howie sez working personal assistants that hard is a good way 2 burn them out. he sez care givers need lots of r 'n r. so he thinks we should have at least 2 backups so my assistants can have dayz off. i think that's krazee. there izn't that much work involved. most of the time they will prolly b hanging in the pool or playing frisbee w/ the dogs.

    becks

     

  • At 12:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April and friends,

    I was really confused after I talk to Paul, I wish he wouldn't do that, he told me he thought it was weird the doctors were letting Iris take Grandpa home because he still needs lots of rehab and she probably can't handle his needs all on her own, well of course I said, "What do you know, you're not a doctor!" and Paul said something like letting Grandpa go home is not standard practice and might in fact be malpractice, I didn't want to hear that because it makes this situation so confusing.

    So I asked Mom, I said, "Why are the doctors letting Iris take Grandpa home, he still needs a lot of help," and Mom said, "Iris will give it to him, she's married to a Richards, that makes her better than your average person and better than a person who borrows money from us, remember?" and I said "Yes, but Paul says the doctors should not be allowing it, it's against the rules," and Mom said, "Well, of course your silly Northern noble Native boyfriend wouldn't know how things work in Milborough, he won't bother to get a transfer down here so he can learn! Do you know who owns this hospital? Ted MacCaulay! And Ted MacCaulay does what we Pattersons and Richardses want. We make the rules in this town. Besides, your father knows right where those hookers he killed are buried." I said, "Oh, that makes sense, I forgot we have special rules here, Paul gets me all confused," and Mom said, "Maybe you're better off with someone who understands just how Milborough works, dear, and who understands the worth of a Patterson," and I said, "I'm sure Paul could learn if he tries," and Mom said, "Well, I don't see him trying," and I said, "That's because his transfer hasn't come through yet," and Mom said, "Even if it does, he still doesn't measure up to certain other people," and I said, "Who?" and Mom said, "Remember where childhood sweethearts fall on the chart," and I said, "No," and Mom said, "For non-Pattersons, it's pretty high up there," and I said, "Now I don't remember what point you are trying to make," Mom can be just as confusing as Paul.

    Liz

     

  • At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    whoa! dr. ted killed hookers? i asked my mom abt it an' all she would say is "i m not going 2 discuss ted's youthful indiscretions w/ u, missy." deets, deets!

    becks

     

  • At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    so, loox like i'm gonna c a cowboy concert w/jeremy an' we are also gonna join howard an' becks 4 dinner. gerald's not available 4 nething this evening cuz his dad is making him attend a special "family dynamics" workshop w/his 'rents an' his bro.

    apes

     

  • At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, the cowboy music concert iz l8, so i told rebeccah we wud hafta have dinner 1st. she sed that wuz ok & asked me if i wunted 2b her personal assistant. i told her i wuz already fake-engaged 2 her & did her sound & lites, so that wuz enuff. then she sed, “rite. the fake-engagement. there’z sumthin’ i have been meanin’ 2 tell u.” then she broke our fake-engagement. i think this iz like the 3rd tyme rebeccah haz broken up w/me n the last year. ‘course this tyme she wuz breakin’ up a fake relationship & there wuz no scarrin’, so thass an improvement i think. neway, rebeccah sed howard wud pick u & me up 4 the dinner & then drive us 2 the cowboy music show. aftah that, my mom will take us home. i’m rilly glad gerald iz bizzy & u can go.

     

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I don’t know if you really have to worry about Dr. Ted McCaulay killing and burying hookers, as in female prostitutes, or people who “hook” the ball out of the scrum on a rugby team, or a person who “hooks” someone’s ankle with the end of a hockey stick on a hockey team. When I spoke to Dr. Ted McCaulay he said it was a reference to the time he let your dad use his fishing and hunting lodge for a family vacation, and your dad got confused and took your family to the wrong lodge, which was some sort of rundown piece of junk. Dr. McCaulay didn’t know if you are old enough to remember that trip, but he said that “knowing where the hookers are buried” is a running joke with your dad, referring to the old fish hooks he found in the ground there and how he still believes Dr. McCaulay owes him for having spent any time at the rundown cabin in the first place. Whether or not you believe Dr. McCaulay’s story is up to you. Krystle McGuire has informed me she has been to Dr. McCaulay’s fishing and hunting lodge and that there no equipment there for fishing and hunting, unless you count an old pair of fishnet stockings she found stashed under the bed, and she did not spend any time hunting or fishing there with Dr. McCaulay, at least not for fish or animals anyway. She is secretly hoping I go to prison sooner than later, because Dr. McCaulay said it would be improper for them to marry until my legal difficulties have been settled.

    As for personal assistants, Becky is quite correct. Unless your brother and dad installed one of those invalid movers, Iris does not have the strength to lift your Grandpa Jim. When I worked for them, that was the sort of thing I was called on to do from time to time, and he was more mobile then. Becky is wrong however about how many personal assistants she needs to do the things I do for her right now. So far, Thorvald has hired a Jean-Jacques Louis Dupuis, who knows Becky well and is strong enough to handle the dogs. The other persons who have applied are unsatisfactory. Let me tell you, April, after seeing these applicants, I have come to realize that Milborough is full of people with disturbingly cartoonish features and buffoonish attitudes. I think I had only really noticed them in the background before, but when there is a whole line of them applying for a job, it is frightening to behold.

    See you tonight. Becky promises she is going to take me someplace good. Then after that I will drop you and Jeremy off at the cowboy music concert.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 3:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    This family dynamics workshop sounds quite tedious upon superficial examination, but the brochure promises it will be quite lively. Pater says that even though I have made excellent psychological progress in the last year or so, we need to attend this workshop as a family because Mater has an eating disorder and my brother has rage management issues.

    You see, when I had my physical for hockey season, the doctor noted that I am actually somewhat underweight, and that I had some significant trauma to my abdominal organs. Therefore, Pater thought it would be prudent to attempt to mitigate the problem by addressing the core issues, namely Mater's anorexia nervosa and my brother's assholitis.

    Please don't let that Jeremy Jones fondle your boobs. He is quite a lady's man and is bound to try to get into your pants.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howie,

    have u noticed how most of the peeps who have applied have rilly, rilly bad teeth? it skeeves me out.

    becks

     

  • At 5:57 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    If by "bad," you mean "teeth far too large for their mouths," yes I have noticed, much to my chagrin. I find their misshapen ears, noses and eyes also quite disturbing. It makes me wonder if the vast majority of the Milborough unemployed, last had employment as movie extras in horror films or come from a place which handles severe physical mutations. It's not on their resumes anyway, what ones of them actually have resumes.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 6:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I read Horrible Howard's post about Dr. MacCaulay and I went back to Mom and asked her about whether she was serious when she said he killed hookers, and Mom said, "I don't know, that's what your father says, but I don't know why he would have anything against women in the rug-making industry!", then she laughed really hard with her tongue sticking out, I was even more confused by that.

    So then I went to Dad and I asked him, "Mom says Dr. MacCaulay killed some rug makers, is that true?" and Dad said, "I don't think so. Ted still has a full head of hair. Why would he be angry with people who make toupees?", and then he laughed with his tongue sticking out, and his glasses even fell off.

    Then I was even more confused so I called up Mike's place and Dee answered and I said, "Hi Dee, put Mike on the phone," and she said, "He's in the attic," and I said, "Go get him, I can wait, I have an important question to ask him," and Dee said, "Well, maybe I can answer it," and I said, "I don't know, it's kind of serious, it's not about fashion," and Dee said, "There is no more serious job than that of a pharmacist," and I said, "Huh?" and she said, "What's the question?" and I said, "I think Dr. MacCaulay killed some people who make toupees," and Dee said, "Oh Elizabeth, how can you say something so funny? My tongue is sticking out and tears are squirting out of my eyes!", and I said, "So you think it's not true?" and she said, "Well, from what I hear around the office building, Dr. MacCaulay threatened to kill his bookie, because the guy said Dr. MacCaulay was going 'to pay'!" Then she started laughing like crazy, and she said something about her earrings flying off, and then she asked if I still wanted to talk to Mike, and I said yes, so she put down the phone and went to get him, and I was waiting a really long time, and then finally Mike came to the phone.

    Well I said to Mike, I said, "I heard something about Dr. MacCaulay killing some people with books, do you know what that's about?" and Mike shrieked like a girl and dropped the phone but after a minute he picked it up again and said, "Little sis. Thanks a million for the warning. Mom called today and asked me to come down to Milborough so I could finally visit Grandpa. I was thinking I would have to go, but no way am I going now! I always knew Dad's 'friend' Ted was a little crazy, what with the way he is unmarried and all, but I never imagined he'd have a vendetta against authors!" and I said, "Well I just found out today, Mom let it slip," and Mike shrieked again and said, "Mom?! She knew about this? She was trying to lure me to my death!" and I said, "I don't know anything about that," and Mike said, "Sis. You have saved my life. But more importantly, you have kept me from having to visit Grandpa this weekend. You're terrific! If you ever need a favor, let me know," and I said, "You could come talk to my class about being a writer on Career Day," and suddenly there was this funny shhhhhh noise over the phone and Mike yelled, "I can't hear you, you're breaking up!" and then we got cut off.

    I'm really, really confused.

    Liz

     

  • At 9:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I’m here at the restaurant with April and Jeremy and Becky. Becky picked a restaurant which did not specialize in rancid shark meat and Brennevin, even though her father kept hinting that she should. And Becky seems to really like that surprise book I got her, How to Avoid Ending Up Like Britney Spears by Madonna Ritchie. It’s a difficult to find book (dedicated to Christina Aguilera, oddly enough), but it has lots of useful tips in it, that will hopefully help Becky after I am put in prison. Jeremy Jones keeps on expecting us to all end up in the hospital, despite the fact I have told him more than once that it is possible to have a social occasion with me and not be physically maimed. He looks doubtful. We did avoid a brief problem with Becky and April, when Becky reminded April that she has had to call her, the last couple of times they did anything together. Then April said, “Well, Eva, you know, doesn't like you and Gerald doesn't care.” Then Becky kind of went on about that for a bit, when I had to interrupt and say, “Becky. This may be one of the last times I get to have a nice dinner with you and April and Jeremy together. Let’s not be unpleasant.” Becky got a little sniffley after that and April comforted her. It seemed more like old times, when they used to be best friends. April was eating her food and spitting little bits of it all over the table. Becky was doing her full-throated laughs with her head back. They were both teasing Jeremy and rating him on how he was dressed and how nervous and shy he seemed to be. Good times.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 3:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    well, aftah howeird & rebeccah dropped me & april off @the cowboy music concert, they drove off. april stopped me & sed, “i told gerald i wud say this, so if he asks, i sed it.” then she sed, “don't fondle my boobs. don’t try 2 get n2 my pants.” i sed, “ur bf iz seriously messed up.” april wuz ‘bout 2 say sumthin’ wen outa the concert building came a man runnin’. i thot he looked familiar & wen he got closer, i cud c it wuz zandra larson’s uncle arne. i sed, “arne larson. wut ru runnin’ 4? the concert’s that way.” arne heard me & ran ovah. he sed, “jerome. wud u hold sumthin’ 4 me 4 just a little while? i’ll come by 2 pick it up l8er.” i sed, “ok, but we’ll b in the cowboy music concert 4 @least 2 hours.” arne sed, “that’ll b good.” then he handed a box 2 me & ran off & sed, “oh, u mite wanna hide it.” he ran off n2 sum trees.

    april sed, “wut’s n the box?” i opened the box & i sed, “it looks like carrots.” april sed, “oh ‘rots. my fave. can i have 1?” i sed, “arne sed he wuz gonna come back 2 get them & we shud hide them. i wondah y we shud hide carrots.” april sed, “look!” & she pointed 2 five huge guyz runnin’ outa the concert building & sayin’, “there he goez” & they were pointin’ past us 2 where arne wuz goin’ n2 the treez. i sed, “we prolly wanna hide those carrots.” then april scooped up the carrots and shoved them down her shirt. the 5 big guyz ran by us n2 the treez.

    i sed, “let’s walk n2 the buildin’ b4 we put those carrots back n the box.” so we were walkin’ ovah 2 the buildin’ & i heard this munchin’ sound like sum1 wuz eatin’ a carrot. i sed, “wut ru doin’, april? thoze aren’t our carrots.” april sed, “i’m only eatin’ 1. we can go by a grocer & get anothah. i luv ‘rots & these smell rilly good.” i sed, “u don’t know wut ur gettin’ n2 w/zandra’z uncle arne. thoze carrots mite b poison or sum kinda magic.” april looked a little pale wen i sed that. i sed, “don’t worry. they’re prolly regular carrots.”

    nside the building, april went 2 the women’s washroom & she put the carrots back n2 the box. wen she came outa the washroom, she sed, “jeremy i’m not feelin’ so good. my chest feels rilly tite 4 sum reasn.” i sed, “ok. i’ll call 9-11.” but b4 i did that i looked @her & sed, “wtf? no wondah ur chest feels tite. look @ur chest.” april looked & her breasts had poofed out & they were strainin’ against her bra. not only that but april wuz about 10 cm taller, & her pants & her shirt were 2 short. “wut happed 2 me?” april asked. i sed, “i dunno, but u look kinda like ur sis looked wen she wuz n high skool, xxcept ur hair is a different colour & stuff.” april sed, “wut? iz my hair orange?” i sed, “no, ur hair iz darker than ur sis’ is all.”

    april sed, “it musta been thoze ‘rots. they must be ‘grow bigger’ ‘rots, like n alice n wonderland.” i sed, “they cud b grow oldah carrots. u look more like u got a little oldah.” april sed, “wut i am gonna do? y do i have a weakness 4 ‘rots?” i sed, “u wanna go 2 a doctor?” april sed, “wut am i gonna tell a doc? ‘oh by the way, i 8 a magick ‘rot & i got oldah or i got taller instantaneously’.” i sed, “mebbe it wuzn’t the carrot. sumtymez ur size changez by itself.” april sed, “ur rite, jeremy. i 4got all ‘bout that. i will prolly go back 2 normal in just a minute or 2. let’s go outside 4 a minute, so i can get sum fresh air.”

    so we went outside & this big wind came up & blew april’s hair outa its bun. i sed, “we can go inside & u can put ur hair back up again.” april sed, “don’t worry jeremy. my hair will rebun itself n just a sec.” so we w8ted & april’s hair wuz still hangin’ loose. i sed, “u ought 2 wear ur hair down more often. it looks nice.” april sed, “thanx jeremy. njoy it while u can, cuz it will rebun itself ne second now.” aftah a few minutes of w8in’, i sed, “we shud prolly go in.” april sed, “no, jeremy. sumthing’s v.v. wrong. my hair izn’t rebunning itself. i think that ‘rot musta affected me sumhow. it’s 1 thing 4 my body 2 change sizes & my boobs 2 shrink & grow, but my hair duz not stay unbunned.” i sed, “i nevah thot much of that rebunnin’ stuff neway. i gotta tell u, with u b-ing taller, & w/ur chest bigger & ur hair down, u look like a full-grown woman or @least a girl who’s 15 yrs-old & haz stopped growin’.”

    april sed, “wut did u say?” i sed, “u look grown up. u know. i h8 2 say it, but a lotta tymez, u look a few years youngah than wut ur.” april sed, “thass it. that ‘rot musta have developed my body 2 its full potential.” i sed, “& that meanz?” april sed, “it meanz i think i have a cure 4 my grandpa jim. i’ll give him 1 of theze ‘rots & then his body will develop 2 its full potential 2.” i sed, “i don’t think ur thinkin’ ‘bout this clearly.” april sed, “no jeremy, everythin’ iz crystal clear. call us a cab, jeremy.” i sed, “ok. we’re a cab, jeremy.” april sed, “u goof. gimme ur cell.” so april called us a cab. i sed, “we’re gonna miss the concert i guess.” april sed, “sorry jeremy.”

    the cab came & took us 2 the hospital where april’s grandpa jim wuz stayin’. we went up 2 the room where grandpa jim wuz & there wuz sum person there, who wuz not her grandpa. i sed, “do u have the rite room?” april sed, “i thot i did.” we went 2 the nurse’s station & asked where her grandpa wuz & the nurse sed april’s grandpa had been taken out the hospital earlier that nite. i sed, “u gotta b kiddin’. it’s only been 3 weeks since he wuz in.” the nurse sed, “i don’t give the orders, i just follow them.” i sed, “wut now?” april sed, “we go 2 grandpa jim’s apartment & c if he is there.”

    we stepped outside & april’s wuz callin’ anothah cab on my cell, when we saw the 5 big thugs that had been chasin’ arne. they sed, “hey! you! stop!” april sed, “let’s run!” i sed, “mebbe they just wanna talk.” april grabbed my arm & pulled me & sed, “come on!!” so i started runnin’ & tryin’ 2 keep up w/april. she wuz runnin’ like the wind & yellin’ 2 me, “keep up or they’ll catch us, jeremy.” we ran & ran, but the big goonz were still comin’ aftah us. then az we passed by this 1 house, a hand reached out & grabbed me & april & pulled us n a door. i landed on the floor, pantin’ & spittin’ & swearin’. april just bounced up & sed, “who r u?” the person shoved her back 2 the floor again & sed, “shut up! or they’ll hear u.” so, april wuz quiet & i wuz az quiet az i cud b for pantin’. we heard the thugs pass by & aftah several minutes, the lights turned on.

    april sed, “fiona brass. i haven’t seen u since u usedta work @the mayes midtown motors restaurant with howard.” i sed, “good 2cu fiona.” & i kinda collapsed back 2 the floor. fiona sed, “y were those peeps chasin’ u april?” april sed, “i think they were aftah these.” & she showed the carrots 2 her cousin once removed on her dad’z side. fiona sed, “ah! ‘rots. can i have 1?” i sed, “u bettah not. april 8 one & she got oldah. if u eat 1, it mite kill u.” fiona sed, “i’m not that old, am i belmont iii?” a cat came up 2 fiona & started rubbin’ against her. april sed, “is this ur house?” fiona sed, “no. this the pool hall i own. but 1st things 1st. i think i heard ur middle-aged friend here, say u turned oldah. u know that happs 2 patterson women all the tyme.” april sed, “yes. but my hair hasn’t rebunned aftah the wind blew it.” fiona looked grave then. she sed, “this is serious. this cud b a sign of the end times, the 2nd coming, the ragnarok, the sign we r in our final days b4 our little piece of the world comes 2 an end.” i sed, “it’s just her hair. i think it looks good down.” fiona sed, “it duz look good. i think ur patterson allure must b in full power. ur not married ru?” april sed, “i’m only 15.” fiona sed, “thass odd. u actually look like a 15-yr-old girl. u shud still look like ur 12 or 13.” april sed, “wut?” fiona sed, “a patterson woman always trails her actual development by a few years. i am sure u noticed ur sister is has only recently grown 2b the same height az ur mom.” april sed, “well, yes.” fiona sed, “thass all a part of growing up patterson. u say this ‘rot is wut affected u?” april sed, “do u think it will be permanent.” fiona sed, “prolly not. once it passes outa ur system, u will prolly turn back 2 ur usual self. so, till then u can appreciate wut it is like 2 have patterson allure.” april sed, “wut do u mean?” fiona sed, “lemme show u.”

    fiona started diggin’ thru sum box she had on a table. she pulled out a ring w/a big diamond on it & sed 2 me. “ok, middle-aged man, if i give u this ring, wut ru gonna do w/it?” then outa nowhere i sed, “i’m gonna propose 2 april & ask her 2 marry me & make me the happiest man on earth.” fiona sed, “c. patterson allure. it’s pretty strong in this 1. usually it only has this strong an effect on childhood sweethearts.” april sed, “jeremy’s only 15 & i have known him since we were little, but i wudn’t call him my sweetheart.” fiona sed, “hmph! don’t lie 2 fiona.” april sed, “no, really. there wuz a long tyme i h8ed jeremy.” fiona sed, “iz that so? do u mind if i test u?” april sed, “no. i am loyal 2 my gerald. we have been d8in’ 4 four years now.” fiona sed, “all right then.” then she handed me the ring.

    the next thing i know i wuz ovah b-side her on bended knee proposin’. it wuz so weird, like all my feelingz 4 april were like 10x strongah than they evah were b4. then the weirdest thing happed. april sed, “yes. jeremy. yes. i’ll marry u. i’m goin’ 2b a bride & have children & i will finally b wut a woman wuz meant 2b.” then april started jumpin’ & skippin’ around & actually she did a little hoverin’ 2. fiona sed, “ah ha!!” & she grabbed the ring outa april’s hands.

    april stopped & sed, “wtf wuz i doin’?” fiona sed, “w/that kinda reaction, this old-lookin’ guy must b sum1 who can b considered a childhood sweetheart.” i sed, “u don’t unnerstand. i liked her, but she didn’t rilly like me & that wuz long tyme ago.” fiona sed, “unrequited childhood sweetheart love counts.” april sed, “gr8. am i gonna hafta deal w/gerald proposin’ 2?” i sed, “i think he has already proposed.” april sed, “oh rite. i remembah now. xxcuse me cousin fiona but do u have a washroom in this place?” fiona sed, “2nd door on the left.” april went 2 the washroom & came out & she wuz cryin’. i sed, “wut’s wrong?” april sed, “my body. my hair.” i looked, & sure enuff, her hair was rebunned & her boobs had shrunk & she wuz shorter. april sed, “this meanz the ‘rots wud be no good 4 grandpa jim. 1nce he passed them, he wud b the same az b4.” i sed, “i’m sorry, april.” fiona sed, “it’s just az well. the mboro public iz not ready 4 another patterson woman with her allure workin’.

    we left fiona brass’ pool hall & w8in’ outside 4 us wuz zandra larson’s uncle arne. he sed, “cowboy music concert my ass. wut r doin’ playin’ pool, nsteada watchin’ ur concert? if u like, i cud play u a couple of games, provided ur money wuz good.” i sed, “sorry. here’s ur carrots back. do u mind if i ask wut they r4?” arne sed, “they r food 4 my bunny chauffeur, wilco. they keep him sharp & ready 2 drive.” april sed, “they don’t make ne1 oldah?” arne sed, “no. they help you reach ur full potential, like my bunny.” i sed, “who were the goons chasin’ u?” arne sed, “some of the worst people n the world. magic critics. they didn’t like my act.” april sed, “ur kiddin’.” arne sed, “magic iz a v.v. tuff world. most peeps don’t know.” then he sed, “hey! i am short a carrot.” april sed, “sorry. i got hungry.”

    so i walked april back 2 her house. on the way back she sed, “did i look pretty, jeremy?” i sed, “u were so hott, u coulda cooked eggz by just lookin’ @them.” then april sed, “it wuz nice b-ing so pretty, but it wuz weird & outa control 2. i don’t know how liz standz it. no wondah her romantic life iz all screwed up & she keeps gettin’ fatter.”

    we got 2 april’s house & her dad wuz there. april sed, “where’s mom?” her dad sed, “she & phil & iris r settin’ up your grandpa back n their apartment.” april sed, “@nite?” her dad sed, “don’t ask me. i am supposed 2b an anchor 4 all of us, but as ne1 can tell u, the anchor duzn’t make decisionz ‘bout the ship.” have i told you about george stibbs? april sed, “only ‘bout a 1000 tymes.” then she went in.

    so, i wuz headed back 2 my house wen april came runnin’ back out of the house & pulled me into a big hug. she sed, “thanx 4 tryin’ 2 give me a nice evening. we didn’t get 2c the concert, but it gave me a lot 2 think about.” then she gave me a little kiss on the cheek & went back n her house.

    this has been a v.v. long night.

     

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