Liz as Elly, only younger. . . . .
Liz decided 2 post sumthing abt Gramps last nite:
Oh, BTW, Mom told me that rite after she told U that stuff abt the time it takes for the brain 2 heal an' abilities 2 return after a stroke, she was thinking, "If they return." Then she looked @ me quizzically and she sed, "I don't know Y it's so hard 2 get Liz 2 tell me abt yr feelingz. I hope I never have 2 work so hard 2 talk 2 U!" I kinda shrugged and asked her sum questions abt Uncle Phil so we cd talk abt sumthing else.
NEway, that's all 4 now.
Apes
April,Liz, that is v. strange abt U getting a pelvic exam if U R in 4 pinkeye! I've had pinkeye B4, an' the doc definitely examined my eyez, not my girl bits. Hm, and U haven't looked like U have pinkeye!
Wait a minute, is the question you have been trying to ask me if I have gone to see Grandpa since his stroke, because if it is, I have, I went with Mom to the hospital one time because I had an appointment to see a new doctor there to get a prescription for pink eye which I have caught three times since I got my new job at Glenallen, these kids from the Big Smoke are so disease-ridden compared to the Native kids, I am glad that I did not spread pink eye up there and make the Native kids all die because they are not resistant to pink eye, like with smallpox and whatnot, anyway that's what I was there for, not for any birth control or anything if that's what you're thinking, I don't need that.
But anyway I stuck my head in his room on the way to my appointment while Mom was in the hallway trying to shove Iris out of the room, insisting she needed to take a break or go home or something, well I just poked in and said, "Hi Grandpa, gosh you look terrible!" and Grandpa said something I couldn't understand, it was all garbled, and I said, "You need to speak up and enunciate, Grandpa," like I tell my students, and he kind of moaned louder, so I went closer and said, "Come on, Mumble Mouth, nobody can understand you when you are so lazy about your diction!" and he went, "Aaaaauuuuugggh," and I went closer and said, "Grandpa, come on now, the cat can't have your tongue, I left Shiimsa at home!" and I leaned in real close so he could see my sticky-outty tongue laugh because he didn't have his glasses on, and when I did that, he went like this:
Eh-lee...Eh-lee...yuuuuhhh...uhhhh...ugggg...gug...gug...
And he was pointing at his throat, which was weird, it was like he was trying to make sign language but I told him I don't really know any sign language, and then Iris tried to shove past Mom and she stuck her head in the room just long enough to say, "He wants a drink of water from his sippy cup!" and then Mom got her shoved out of the room again, good old Mom, she always knows how to make someone take a break even when they aren't good at taking care of themselves. Well I gave Grandpa his mug and said, "Bye Gramps!" and skipped off to my appointment, I was happy because Grandpa gave me the best compliment in the world, he said I look like a young Mom, isn't that fantastic, I'm so excited, that's my dream come true, I was so happy when I went to my appointment that I didn't even care when they did that special lady parts exam for my pink eye prescription.
Then after my deposition I had a stupid conversation with Mom, it was really annoying, okay so I went straight home and put on a pink shirt and started to grade papers and when Mom came in she wanted to talk about the deposition, it was so insensitive, sheesh you know how she taught me to push my feelings deep down and not share with anyone but her, but when she wants me to share with her it makes it hard to keep them smashed deep down like in a ball of pain and anger in my stomach you know? So I lied and said "OK" and changed the subject to Uncle Phil who you so kindly informed me was in town, well of course that got Mom blabbing about how he is at a hotel and then some stuff about Grandpa that I didn't even ask about. Blah blah got up, blah blah in the shower, like I want to think about my Grandpa in the shower, blah blah knows it's her, can't talk, hard to move, blah blah blah, like she couldn't see I was trying to grade papers in my special paper-grading pink shirt and everything, so totally rude, it's like she thinks her day is so important compared to mine, I mean she thinks one person with a stroke is bad, I have eight students out with pink eye and it's not like Native school where they let the student catch up at his or her own pace, no, I have to make sure they get caught up within a week or they will be behind on all those stupid tests we have to give.
Well then Mom said that Grandpa doesn't recognize Uncle Phil, and she was pretending to feel bad about it, but you could see she was a little bit pleased like this proved she was the best and most favoritest child, so I decided to be really mean, so I decided to tell her about how Grandpa told me how I look like a young Elly, but in the meanest way possible without being obvious, I made that face, you know the one, where I look like a doll, and blinked, and said, "I know, when he saw me, he thought I was you...but younger!", then I batted my eyelashes a lot to look innocent while Mom started to fume, but it was weird, she didn't, I was so surprised, she just looked sad and said that the worst thing about a stroke is the waiting because it takes time for the brain to heal, and for a person's abilities to return, and then she looked thoughtful but I was confused, and I said, "Can that happen, I thought he was just going to die," and then Mom looked super-depressed and went away, which was what I was hoping for, because then I could get back to my grading and doing make-up lessons for the pink eye kids.
Liz
Oh, BTW, Mom told me that rite after she told U that stuff abt the time it takes for the brain 2 heal an' abilities 2 return after a stroke, she was thinking, "If they return." Then she looked @ me quizzically and she sed, "I don't know Y it's so hard 2 get Liz 2 tell me abt yr feelingz. I hope I never have 2 work so hard 2 talk 2 U!" I kinda shrugged and asked her sum questions abt Uncle Phil so we cd talk abt sumthing else.
NEway, that's all 4 now.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:02 AM
12 Comments:
At 10:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings repeating what my sweet girl told your ngashi (mother) about when she saw your mishomis (grandfather) in hospital. When I talked your sister she was very excited your mishomis (grandfather) thought she was a younger version of your ngashi (mother). I told her it was good compliment, because her ngashi (mother) is a fine woman, and one of the main reasons I took the time to return her sunglasses to her in person at her stargazing party in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). I wanted to meet the nindaan (daughter) of such a wonderful woman.
Your sister said, “I remember that night. I used my mishomis (grandfather’s) telescope and I could see every crater on the moon…and the Milky Way was like a river!—It was an astronomer’s dream.” I said, “I thought you were looking at Polaris, the gichi-anang (North Star), and the Little Dipper.” My sweet girl said, “You weren’t there. How would you know?” I said, “I was there. I gave you back your ngashi (mother’s) sunglasses. Remember? It was the first night we met.” Your sister said, “Hum! I wonder how I forgot that. I told that story to Anthony and I completely left you out. Imagine that. I think the pink eye may have been affecting my memory.” I said, “I remember our first meeting very well. It was the best day of my life.” Then we talked some more about our first meeting and I felt very close to your sister. I really hope she is like your ngashi (mother) when she gets older, except a better cook of course.
I told this story to my friend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, and she said, “Suds (her nickname for me), if you have pink eye, you have to stay home from school, even if you’re a teacher. It’s the same in every school in Ontario, including the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) School. There’s something about Elizabeth’s story that isn’t right.” I said, “Maybe nobody noticed her pink eye.” Chipper said, “It’s pretty obvious.” I said, “Elizabeth is always telling me things are different in the South. Maybe the people there don’t see things as clearly as people in the Northwest.” Chipper said, “I think you are completely right about that.” I love it when Chipper agrees with me.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Paul just doesn't pay attention, I star-gazed a lot of other nights than just the night when I met him, sure that night I was looking at Polaris and the Little Dipper, but other nights I was just looking at the Milky Way like it was a river, we had so many clear nights up there and most of them Paul wasn't there since he was down in Otter County, not up in Mtigwaki with me, a lot of times I went stargazing with Gary Crane, he liked to come along and he taught me all about how to have proper posture for stargazing, and he would always help me figure out what posture to be in by posing me, he was so thorough, he would go over every inch of my body to feel for bad posture, that is the kind of Native wisdom that I really admire. You can't find that in the South, you know, the South would be perfect if it was more like the North, except with less Northiness than the North, you know what I mean, the North would be perfect if it was closer to Milborough and had a mall and maybe a bus system and more cars that actually run and less cars that are broken and jacked up really high on blocks that fall over into the sidewalk and crush children on their way to school, which is another cause of being absent besides trapline walking and visiting one's mishomis, and yes I do too remember what "mishomis" is, now that you reminded me, sheesh what do you think I am, stupid?
As for my pink eye I think I did get it even though my doctor couldn't see it, also I guess I was confused because after I read April's post this morning I called my doctor and asked why she did a special lady parts exam for pink eye, I told her my sister says that isn't right, and she said, "Miss Patterson, I'm confused, you scheduled a yearly physical, I was doing a routine Pap test," and I said "oh, well, just so you know in the future, I don't need one of those, because I don't have sex and my mom says you only have to have those when you have sex, so I don't need one, just for future reference," and of course the doctor is a total idiot, she said, "Well it's here in your records that you were prescribed birth control a few years ago," and I said yes, because I was living with my boyfriend but with separate bedrooms, and I didn't want to accidentally get pregnant off of the toilet seat or something, but he turned out to be a cheater and not "The One" like I thought he was so I definitely didn't have sex with him with the idea we were going to get married, no way, and the doctor sounded very angry when she said, "A woman should get a yearly Pap test after age 18, even if she is not sexually active," and then I said, "Oh, okay then," and the doctor was like, "Why did you come in for a physical if you didn't think you needed a Pap test?" and I said, "I learned from my mother that it is very important to protect my health, for example, I am trying very hard to take care of myself so I won't get depressed about moving," and she said, "What do you do?" and I said, "I eat extra meals and sleep 12 hours a day," and she said, "That sounds a lot like symptoms of depression and not a cure," and I said, "You know I don't need your snotty attitude, I am going to get a new doctor."
Anyway, it's really hard to look through a telescope when you have pink eye, so I don't know how much stargazing I will be able to do, which is okay, because come to think of it since I have been down south and haven't had Gary Crane encouraging me to follow my hobby three nights a week I have kind of given up stargazing.
Liz
At 3:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i asked my mom ‘bout strokes, so i wud know a little bit more ‘bout it, since she works in a hospital. she sed if ur grandpa iz walkin’ well enuff 2 take a shower, he iz doing rilly well. sum of the peeps she sees comin’ n2 hospital 4 stroke have a hard tyme just sittin’ up & stayin’ balanced 4 like up 2 three weeks aftah a stroke.
i haven’t seen duncan 2day, so i dunno if he haz recovered frum wut happed yesterday. i have seen eva tho & she kinda glarez @me. i did have sumthin’ strange happ 2 me tho. az u know, evah since eva broke up w/me, i started gettin’ tutorin’ sessionz w/zenobia barnaby @the learning resources centre on thursdays. i got zenobia sum tix 2c hanzel und gretyl & bella morte last weekend & evah since then, she haz been like stoppin’ & talkin’ 2 me @othah tymez. she came up 2 me 2day & sed, “i know sum1 who’s innerested n u.” i sed, “it’s not sum girl who wunts free concert tix, iz it?” zenobia sed, “no. the word iz u know sum peeps w/mutant powerz & this girl iz rilly n2 x-files kinda stuff.” i sed, “who iz it?”
zenobia sed, “zenia parkinson.” which z-girl iz she? iz she the 1 that tutors w/u & zandra? zenobia sed, “no, thass zapata.” i sed, “i don’t think i know zenia.” zenobia sed, “zenia wuz d8in’ fred halbmensch last year, & picked him up 2 give him a kiss & accidentally threw him n2 the water fountain, which kinda ended their relationship.” i sed, “oh. thass kinda scary. i have a tendency 2 attract girls who kinda give me scarz wen they break up w/me.” zenobia sed, “emotional scarz?” i sed, “no. actual scarz.” & i showed the scar eva gave me on my head, the one tangi gave me on my hand, but i didn’t show her the 1 rebeccah gave me on my butt, or the 1s i got frum wen i wuz chasin’ u on the bicycle. i sed, “i wuz thinkin’ my next gf shud b a girl w/a little less muscle on her, u know, i girl who duzn’t hit very hard & izn’t rilly n2 revenge.” zenobia sed, “good luck findin’ 1 of thoze n r.p. boire. az a friendly word of advice, if zenia asks u out, don’t say ‘no.’ 1 of her goalz iz ‘2 drain & devour men's souls, 1 by 1.’ she duzn’t take ‘no’ v. well.” so, now i hope ic zandra sum tyme 2day, so i can ask her 4 advice on what 2 do ‘bout zenia. if uc her, tell her i wanna talk 2 her.
At 4:50 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Jeremy,
You're lucky, sort of. Zenia graduated, but she's at Mackenzie Bowell University just outside of town. She's probably too busy to try to find you right now, but I'd watch out come December.
Things stayed pretty weird at the hospital yesterday. Charles Wallace and I went in with Mrs. Anderson and Duncan, and since there was a slow day at the emergency room they were able to take him really fast. Dr. Nick Riveria came out to tell us what was wrong.
"Hello everybody!" he said. I guess he knew Mrs. Anderson, since she said, "Hi Dr. Nick" right back.
"Your son is suffering from a strange illness!" We all gasped. "He has experienced a tryptophan overdose! I've never seen that before!"
Mrs. Anderson asked, "What caused it?"
"Turkey! Lots of it! I've called the cafeteria at R. P. Boire, and they've confirmed that lunch every day this, and last, week consisted of various combinations of turkey. What did you have for dinner last night?"
"Jerk," Mrs. Anderson said.
"Jerk what, Mrs. Anderson?" She paused.
"Turkey. I didn't think he'd notice."
"Well, he did. Those four holiday dinners in a row last weekend, coupled with a severe caffeine deficiency, have weakened his system. Put him on a poultry-free diet for a week, with supplementary visits to Tim Hortons." Mrs. Anderson took notes, and then went to get Duncan. My mother was off shift at that time, so she took me and Charles Wallace home.
At 6:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
zandra, thanx 4 the good newz ‘bout zenia. mebbe by december, she will lose interest. i hope she’z the kinda girl who will lose interest. is she the kinda girl who will lose interest?
neway, thanx 4 lettin’ me know ‘bout duncan’s tryptophan overdose. i wuz kinda wonderin’ ‘bout that. iz he officially broken up w/eva or haz he talked 2u 2 let u know? y am i evn askin’ that question? sorry. evn if duncan duzn’t pick eva, eva still picked duncan & it’s rilly rude 4 me 2 ask u, cuz mebbe he did pick eva. did he say he wunted 2 d8 both of u? no, w8. 4get i asked that. i’m movin’ on. i gotta keep remindin’ myself.
by the way, wut do u use 2 shampoo ur hair? it smelled rilly good the othah day & my future sis sez she duzn’t like her shampoo nemore. so, i thot i cud tell her the stuff u uze.
At 7:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Pink eye? Pelvic exams? Talk about a Blog entry that’s not meant for men. You can see the Lizardbreath is definitely a girly girl, but not a girly girl in the way that means wearing frilly clothing, and delighting in clean and well-decorated homes. Unfortunately you can see that she is still behind the times on the condition of our grandpa which was described in vivid detail in our family's October monthly letters, now 18 days old. I know she doesn’t want to be distracted from her budding romance with Anthony, but if you’re going to quote her, could you at least put the more recent medical information in as a sort of editorial comment?
I am going through the monthly letters now and I will graciously point out the areas of error. Sistwerp completely left out the part about how Grandpa Jim is going to be able to come to his home, which has been completely upgraded by dad and me for his new condition. She left out the part how Grandpa is sitting up for some of the day, how he is disabled only on one side, and how Iris is learning to take care of him. Of course she left out the part from Deanna’s letter where she said Grandpa Jim would be laughing uncontrollably, while at the same time he was deeply depressed. That little tidbit of information, I am happy she left out. If Liz would simply read the monthly letters of people other than her “my grandfather is in hospital, so I’m taking a bubble bath” self, then it wouldn’t seem like she is 18 days behind the rest of us.
Really, just tell your Blog audience to read our family’s monthly letters and you could save yourself a lot of tedious and inaccurate information. There may be some people out there in your Blogging audience, who think that having a lot of people talk about Grandpa Jim’s symptoms is interesting, but Michael Patterson is not one of them. Michael Patterson is a man of action. I want to hear about how Grandpa Jim struggles to take a shower, sweating every step of the way. I want to hear about his thought bubbles cursing his inability to communicate coherently (or at least as coherently as he used to communicate). I want to hear about the despair of Iris as she realizes the man she used to torture with dog biscuits is now a giant millstone of home health care around her neck.
Sheilagh Shaugnessey has changed me. She said to me, “Mike, when time comes to give birth to a son, by yourself, on the kitchen floor, a person of action can’t just allow things to happen to her. You have to be willing to do the things others would normally do for you. Don’t talk about the baby after he is clean and had all his shots. Talk about the baby and the agony of child birth, and don’t spare the squeamish in your audience. Don’t be afraid to say the word ‘placenta’ or ‘afterbirth.’ Be a man of action.” She is inspirational, this fictional creation who has taken on a life of her own. Because of her, I called up mom and asked her what was Grandpa Jim’s condition, without even having her tell me to ask her. Mom was very impressed; as I am sure you are too.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My Dad says I have to apologize to all my friends and other schoolmates for abusing my, um, smirk. Sorry.
Eva
At 7:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i do clue my blog readerz in on the monthly letterz. but there'z a gd reason not 2 put in editorial comments from the letterz as an upd8 on gramps's condition. there'z been sum weird time-space continuum stuff going on w/our letterz. like stuff we write abt as having happened, it suddenly happens--but is it happening again or did it not happen yet when we wrote abt it?
like u an' dad making changez @ gramps's apt. i wdn't b surprised if, like, l8er this wk or sumtyme next, sum1 were 2 tell me that u an' dad were in there making those changes [again?]. so i hold off.
apes
At 8:04 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I just got back from a conference with Mr. Benis, my defence lawyer. He was telling us how I was almost assuredly going to see some prison time when the trial finally occurred. Becky said, “Couldn’t you appeal?” Mr. Benis said, “Certainly we will appeal if Mr. Bunt is found guilty. There are all kinds of grounds, like the compromised witnesses of Elizabeth Patterson and Anthony Caine, who have been observed spending time with each other and also spending time together with the Crown Attorney. However, I should warn you once the trial is over; it's hard to win an appeal. That's true no matter what evidence you have of a compromised procedure.” I said, “There’s also the police harassment. Mr. Bermicide keeps finding bugs and surveillance equipment around Becky’s house and I keep seeing that Sgt. Royalson person hanging around. He said he was after someone called the ‘The Sicko Stargazer’ but I have my doubts.” Mr. Benis said, “I am afraid the police are within their rights to do surveillance. Why they would waste their time and money on someone like you, I have no idea, Mr. Bunt. Nevertheless, it appears they are strongly motivated to put you away.”
Becky said, “The worst thing about a delayed trial is the waiting. It takes time for the pain to heal, and for one’s Howie to return. If he returns. Hey! Why are there bubbles jumping out of my head?!” Mr. Benis said, “I know the Crown Attorney will push for life imprisonment, but even in the face of the legal confusion of the Milborough system, I doubt the sentence will be that severe. Miss McGuire, you need to look on the bright side. Every delay is more time you have with Mr. Bunt free to do whatever you want, aside from leaving town of course.” I said, “That’s right Becky. We can paint each other’s toenails, I can make you rich, gourmet dinners, and give you full body massages and shamp-Ohs.” Becky said, “We’ve already done that, Howie.”
I said, “I know. We could write a new song for you to perform at the Gym/Jam. I should be able to see your performance after all, since I won’t be in prison yet.” Becky said, “That’s a good idea. I have an idea for a song already.” I said, “What’s that?” Becky said, “I am thinking about ‘Die! Lizardbreath! Die!’” I said, “Well, that’s different.” Mr. Benis said, “Should I expect a lawsuit from the Canadian Lizard Society?” I said, “It’s not that kind of lizard.” Mr. Benis said, “That’s too bad. I love animal trials.”
Becky and I are busy writing her new song for the Gym/Jam. She seems to be very enthusiastic about it, although I am beginning to think it may be a little too dark for a school music function. It doesn’t matter. It’s time spent with my bud Becky, and that’s what counts.
Howard Bunt
At 8:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am not doing those changes to Grandpa Jim’s apartment again unless the apartment managers tore out the stuff dad and I did, as they were threatening to do. They said all sorts of wrong-headed stuff like how the apartment had contracts for a specific company to do all apartment building upgrades and complete nonsense like that. But rest assured, if they did rip it out, dad and I will put it back in. We are smarter than any stupid apartment managers.
As for your fear of the time-space continuum, you should live without fear. Write what you know with the knowledge that you are a Patterson and nothing bad can happen to you. I am never afraid of anything like that happening to me.
We are smarter than any stupid apartment managers. But rest assured, if they did rip it out, dad and I will put it back in. They said all sorts of wrong-headed stuff like how the apartment had contracts for a specific company to do all apartment building upgrades and complete nonsense like that. I am not doing those changes to Grandpa Jim’s apartment again unless the apartment managers tore out the stuff dad and I did, as they were threatening to do. Little sis.
Patterson Michael Love,
At 8:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, r u repeating yrself?
omg, mike, r u repeating yrself?
omg, mike, r u repeating yrself?
omg, mike, r u repeating yrself?
omg, mike, r u repeating yrself?
apes
At 12:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes, i did go home an' write a song. howie tried 2 help but we had sum creative differences. he did have 1 good piece of advice tho. he sed that "die lizardbreath die" wuz a threat against ur sis an' i could get in trub 4 that. so i wrote a song that is more general an' less obviously targeted at 1 person, tho every1 will kno it's about that bitch u call a sister.
neway, here it is
welcome 2 the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
where dumb hos play their games
they get everything they want
we all know their names
they r the people that can knock
innocent people 2 the ground
we all know that it's a crock
they practic'ly own the Crown
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
watch em bring howie to his n n n n n n n n n n n n knees, knees
they wanna watch him bleed!
welcome 2 the courtroom
we take it day by day
1 family runs the town
whatever they want we gotta pay
and ur a very innocent boy
who got caught up in a scam
her magic allure made u her toy
an' now 2 prison u'll b damned
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
in her eye, eye, eye an evil gleam!
she wants 2 make u scream!
welcome 2 the courtroom
it gets worse here every day
they say that ur an animal
should be locked up in a cage
wanna make her the damsel in distress
ur caught up in the mess
get her married 2 the old man
anything 2 get her in that wedding dress
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
anything 2 make her a bride, bride
u better run an' hide!
'cause they're just using u
2 bring them 2gether, 2gether, 2gether, 2gether, YEAH!
u know where u r
ur in the courtroom baby
ur gonna die!
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
watch 'em bring howie 2 his nnnnnnnnnnnnnknees, knees
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
in her eye, eye, eye an evil gleam!
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
the witch brings milboro 2 its nnnnnnnnnnknees, knees
in the courtroom
welcome 2 the courtroom
watch it bring howie down!
watch it get that bitch her wedding gown!
ha!
as u can c, it is kinda a protest song.
becks
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