2day's story depresses me.....
Hey, peeps, the l8est thing I've heard abt Gramps in hospital is this. W/Unk Phil looking on, Iris was spoon-feeding Gramps, all "Here, Jim. Have a bit more pudding. Open up now." Then a doc came in saying, "Mrs. Richards, I'd like a word w/U, pls." She handed the pudding 2 U.P. and sed "Surely!" The doc took her in2 the hallway, saying "Jim appears 2 B doing well, but he will have a long recovery. He'll need physiotherapy 2 help regain the use of his legz. His left one is esp. weak. We don't know how much of his brain has been permanently damaged. Rite now... He seems to have the mind of a child." Iris was all, "Then... @ least he's happy!" Aw, man, that totally depresses me. But Mike, C what I mean? Sum of that stuff the doc sed, it already showed up in the letterz, but it was def. like this was being sed 4 the 1st time.
Becks, I luv yr song, U totally channelled Axl Rose, an' now I've got "Welcome 2 the Courtroom" stuck in my head!!!! "U're in the courtroom, baby! U're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" It's brill!
Apes
Becks, I luv yr song, U totally channelled Axl Rose, an' now I've got "Welcome 2 the Courtroom" stuck in my head!!!! "U're in the courtroom, baby! U're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" It's brill!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:42 AM
15 Comments:
At 10:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Some of this doesn’t match our monthly letters at all. “His left leg is weak”? “He seems to have the mind of a child”? From our monthly letters, I thought Grandpa Jim was ready to come home, but had a hard time recognizing people he hadn’t seen very often, like Uncle Phil and Lizardbreath.
What depressed me about your Blog entry is that Iris appears to have had a stroke too. First she is feeding him pudding. Before Grandpa Jim’s stroke she would sooner die than give Grandpa Jim any sweets. Then she said Grandpa Jim must be happy to have the mind of a child, but she knows pretty well that Grandpa Jim started smoking when he was a kid, so she must have forgotten his whole history. If Iris is demented too, then how can she take care of Grandpa Jim like she is supposed to? It’s very disturbing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:25 AM,
howard said…
April,
Initially, when Becky started on her song, I told her it was too derivative, but fortunately her creative instincts proved me wrong. It’s a wonderful song and definitely one she should do at the Gym/Jam. Like you, I have been singing it all day long. Of course my old lady clients at Sugar’s Salon have been telling me, “Stop singing that awful teenager music Howard. You’re acting like you have the mind of a child. Do you want to end up in prison?” And I just say with a smile on my face, “That’s exactly where I am going!” Then they all wave their conjugal visit forms at me. At least it won’t be lonely there.
As for your grandpa Jim, I feel for what Iris is going through. I know that she is going to need a lot of help, once she gets him back home again. I would offer to help too, since I am a little familiar with helping your grandpa, from when I used to work for him and Iris, months ago, but unfortunately, your sister will probably have put me in prison by then. But if he comes home before I am put in prison, then I will try to help for as long as I can.
Howard Bunt
At 11:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April dear,
Your brother Michael’s comments this morning greatly disturbed me. I wish to address these concerns immediately so that we are all “on the same page” as Jim’s doctor likes to say.
First of all, the pudding I was feeding your grandfather was sugar-free. Everything I give your grandfather is low in sugar or sugar-free because he has diabetes, and as his wife it is up to me to manage his diabetes. I am an expert on managing diabetes, as I have been doing it for years. If Michael has concerns on how I manage his grandfather’s diabetes, he should come to me directly so that I can address those concerns, preferably to the hospital so that he can finally pay his sick grandfather a visit while he’s at it.
Second of all, while it is true your grandfather started smoking when he was a child, he is now a grown man with the MIND of a child but the BODY of an adult. He is now in a care facility that does not allow smoking, and couldn’t lift a cigarette to his lips even if he tried. To correlate your grandfather’s current childlike mindstate with a propensity towards smoking is ludicrous.
Someone is smoking something all right, but I assure you it isn’t Jim. Perhaps we finally have an answer as to why your brother spends so much time in the attic. He certainly isn’t here visiting his poor sick grandfather, I’ll tell you that.
April, YOU are a dear for coming to visit the other night. Now that your grandfather has the mind of a child, he seems to enjoy your music even more. Perhaps you would like to bring your friend Shannon by for a visit sometime as well. It sounds as though she and Jim have a lot in common now.
Love,
Iris Richards
At 1:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I would love to visit your grandpa with you. Then you can tell me about any problems you have, which you aren’t telling anyone you have.
I know all about what your step grandmother Iris is saying. Lots of people say I have the mind of a child because it’s hard for me to talk. But I don’t have the mind of a child. I have the mind of a 16-year-old teenage girl and the body of one too. All the things teenage girls think about, I think about. Sometimes it’s hard for the thoughts to come out straight is all.
I try not to get mad when people say I have the mind of a child, and I am not mad at your step grandmother Iris for saying I am like someone who has a stroke. I mean, I took you to the place where the special needs kids hang at school, when I was talking to you about your grandpa’s stroke. Later I thought it was pretty stupid of me to do that. Special needs and stroke are different. So, I can’t complain when your step grandmother says the same thing.
The one thing I did tell you right was therapists are awesome. Your grandpa will get a lot better when he starts to work with a therapist.
If you want me to come and visit your grandpa with you, I would love to. Just promise me you’ll stay with me so I don’t get lost in the hospital, eh?
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 1:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i told my mom ‘bout ur blog entry 2day, cuz she works in hospital, so she can help me unnerstand wut’s goin’ on w/ur grandpa bettah. she sed, “wut do u mean he duzn’t have use of hiz legz? wut wuz he doin’ n the shower yesterday? a sponge bath iz a lot safer. & wut kinda st00pid doc wud tell the wife of a patient he has the mind of a child?” my mom iz gettin’ kinda worried ur grandpa iz not gettin’ v. good care.
eva apologized 2 every1 yestahday 4 her smirk. so i wuz rilly st00pid & sed 2 her @skool, “so, since u apologized 4 smirkin’ on duncan, duz that mean we r gettin’ back 2gethah?” eva sed, “cowboy. sumtymez u have less brainz on u, than god gave a newborn heifer. do u have the mind of a child? it’s me & duncan, once he haz recovered enuff from his turkey overdose 2 realize it. find urself sum othah cowgirl, like sum1 who likes oldah-lookin’ guyz, who get engaged 2 marry their ex-gfs n a foreign country.” i felt rilly st00pid after i sed it. i wuzn’t v. happy @all. but thass how it’s been for mosta my childhood, az u know.
At 2:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about what the doctor told your nokomis (grandmother) about your mishomis (grandfather) in hospital. I was sad to hear the diagnosis. So, I was surprised when I talked to your sister and she seemed to be happy about it. She said to me, “Paul. If mishomis (grandpa) Jim has the mind of a child, then I can talk to him. I have a whole training as a teacher to learn to communicate effectively to children. I have started a whole lesson plan, just for my mishomis (grandpa). I have a video on Canada’s longest river system that would be perfect.” I said, “Just because the doctor said that your mishomis (grandpa) had the mind of a child, that doesn’t mean he is like a child you are teaching.” My sweet girl said, “Oh my God! Paul, you are completely right!!” I said, “So, you are thinking of doing something different?” Your sister said, “Of course. The doctor didn’t say what grade mishomis (grandpa) Jim’s mind would be in, did he? My video on Canada’s longest river system is good for someone in grade 4, but mishomis (grandpa) Jim’s mind might be in grade 3 or grade 5. I think I may have to go back to my lessons I taught in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) which were for all grades. I need to find my video on Egypt or see if I can find that old leaf press. That was great advice Paul. I can tell you’re starting to think like a Southerner.” Then she hung up so she could look for the leaf press.
I told this story to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, and she said, “Suds (her nickname for me), tell Elizabeth she left the leaf press here. She was so anxious to leave; she left most of her teaching materials here. But I don’t know how good the leaf press is any more, since it is covered in moldy cheese sandwiches. Doesn’t your girlfriend believe in cleaning anything?” I said, “Chipper. If you could put the leaf press aside for me when I come up to visit, I will clean it and make sure it gets to Elizabeth.” Chipper said, “Suds. You always were a good cleaner. I remember when you were little and you gave me a bath. That was a good time.” I said, “You got pretty dirty when you were little, Chipper. No matter how many times I gave you a bath on the pow-wow trail, you always seemed to find a way to get dirty again.” Chipper said, “I was good at getting dirty when I was little, but compared to me, Elizabeth is going to give you a work out. I saw how she left her apartment. Speaking of work outs, I hope you’re in shape for some dancing at the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) pow-wow. I have my jingle dress ready and I hope you have your men’s traditional dance steps back in shape and all cleaned up.” I said I did.
Chipper said, “Suds. Everyone in town is looking forward to this year’s pow-wow. They say it can’t be worse than last years.” I said, “What happened last year?” Chipper said, “You won’t believe it Suds, but some white woman was running around harassing everyone about what they were doing and taking pictures and arguing about whether porcupine quills were actually plastic or not and she tried to eat almost all the food. They tried to be polite, but they couldn’t wait for her to leave.” I said, “And they don’t think she will be back?” Chipper said, “Well they don’t know for sure, Suds. But everyone seems to believe she will never come back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).” I said, “That’s good. Sometimes when whites come to a pow-wow, they act like they have the mind of a child.”
Anyway, I will get the leaf press back this weekend, even though I am not sure what good it will do your mishomis (grandfather). Your sister will know though.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April and you other naysayers,
Let me tell you something, I have experience teaching all grades of kids and Iris is right, kids are all happy, I have never taught an unhappy child, except for when Jesse was mad at me for leaving Mtigwaki, but anyway, by then I wasn't really the teacher anymore, so that doesn't count, I can tell you that Francie is a very happy child, she is always grabbing on my skirt and yelling, "No go!" when I try to leave at the end of my visits, you can just tell she is so happy she doesn't want to stop playing.
Anyway, I have consulted my old Mtigwaki lesson plans and I have stuff to teach Grandpa no matter what his grade level is, unless he is below Grade 1, I don't really have any lessons for that, but if he is like a younger kid than that we can just go to the store and get him some nice Fisher-Price toys, I'm sure that will keep him occupied and he will be very very happy, kids just love that stuff.
By the way Becky, I don't think that is a very nice song, it is not very fair or impartial about what is happening in the court proceedings, and all the talk about someone getting married in there, that's very confusing, at one point you're talking about someone who is being unfairly prosecuted and then you're talking about someone who is apparently trying to get married in front of a judge, I'm sorry to burst your bubble but it is not a very good song if it makes people confused and besides, I know that "Welcome to the Jungle" song because Candace used to play it and it is not the kind of music someone under 18 should be listening to, that song actually talks about snake handling which is very dangerous and not something children should be encouraged to do, especially right after a stroke.
Liz
At 3:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
I would ask your cooperation in securing the leftovers of that bowl of pudding Iris was shoveling down your grampa's throat today, as it could be a valuable clue in an on-going case. Her curious insistence on precluding the consumption of sugar (a perfectly good food my mother insisted I eat on a regular basis) gives rise to a range of questions concerning what she believes to be a healthy substitute. It has been suggested that rat poison is quite sweet tasting, for example. Could some of that vile substance somehow have "found its way" into the foods so "lovingly" forced down Mr. Richard's throat by his troll-like wife? It is just a question we must ask, especially given your grandfather's precipitous decline from rollicking rocker and distinguished army veteran to enfeebled cripple, once he was being fed and tended by Iris "Black Widow" Richards. Any help you can provide would be much appreciated by HM government.
Ever on the job,
Sgt. Royalson
At 5:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. If you read Iris’ post today, then you can see exactly what I was saying. To correlate Grandpa Jim’s childhood smoking with the creative work I do in my attic to support my family is ludicrous and not the sign of someone whose brain is firing on all its cylinders. I asked mom when it was that Iris was not around Grandpa Jim, so I could come and visit, but she said Iris is always there, 24 hours a day, and if you try to visit grandpa Jim while she is sleeping, she wakes up at the slightest noise. It would be hard to slip a bowl of half-eaten pudding past her to the waiting arms of a loyal sergeant.
I think Liz may have the right idea about a visit. Not only is she winning over Anthony’s child Francie to secure her future with Anthony Caine, but with the proper toys she can win over the new child-minded grandpa Jim too, despite you-know-who being there all the time. The more time Elizabeth spends in Milborough, the more she becomes like the Liz I used to remember from when we were younger, the sister with whom I used to play “'tend”. Women are definitely stronger than men are. Men may have physical strength and men may show courage, but the strength that women reveal in their ability to support others and to give of themselves when there is demented person in the same room, makes me feel weak and insignificant. It’s a brave thing Elizabeth is planning for our grandpa. I know she will be successful.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i had my tutorin’ session w/zenobia barnaby @the learning resources centre 2day. we were goin’ ovah my math, & zenobia leanz ovah 2 me & sed, “wut did u think ‘bout wut i told u yestahday?” i sed, “’bout my zipper b-ing down?” zenobia sed, “no.” i sed, “’bout how u felt a little less suicidal aftah c-ing hanzel und gretyl & bella morte last weekend?” zenobia sed, “no. no. don’t speak. don’t speak. jeremy jones, sumtymez u have the mind of a child. no. wut i sed ‘bout zenia parkinson b-ing innerested n u.” i sed, “oh that. i 4got all ‘bout that. zandra larson sed zenia wuz @ mackenzie bowell university just outside of town & she's probably 2 bizzy 2 try 2 find me rite now, but i shud watch out come december.” zenobia sed, “wtf? zenia already knowz who u r. u met last may, when the z-girls hadda clean up the park across from the city hall, & u came ovah lookin’ 4 ur gf @the tyme, that weird dirne girl.” i sed, “oh, rite.” zenobia sed, “neway, zenia told me 2 tell u she is takin’ u2 horny tim’s aftah skool 2day.” i sed, “wut?” zenobia sed, “i know. not a gr8 place 4 a 1st d8, but zenia iz pretty cheap.”
so aftah skool, i thot i wud sneak out the side & try 2 make it home & nevah c zenia. then if zenobia asked, i cud say i nevah saw her, which wud b the truth, evn if i wuz tryin’ not 2c her. i went out the side g8 & there wuz zenia w8in’ 4 me. zenobia wuz there smokin’ & smilin’ (which wuz kinda creepy n its own way. i dunno if i have seen her smile b4.) zenia sed, “well jeremy. i kinda thot u’d pick this way out. wen i wuz @r.p. boire, i kinda hadda rep 4 destroyin’ bfs.” zenobia sed, “u hadda rep 4 a lotta thingz.” zenia sed, “shut up & die zenobia.” zenobia sed, “have fun, u 2 luvbirdz.”
so i sed 2 zenia, “ru sure u wanna b seen out w/a 15-yr-old guy?” zenia sed, “u look oldah than ne guy i evah d8ed & thass sayin’ sumthin’. i don’t c ne prob.”
so she took me 2 tim hortons n her car & she paid, which i think iz like a 1st 4 me w/mboro girlz. az we sat down, zenia sed, “the word iz u know sum peeps w/mutant powerz.” i sed, “oh, my ex-gf. i dunno if she iz a mutant or not. don’t mutants have normal ‘rents & then they get their powerz wen they turn n2 a teenager or sumthin’? if ur a kid & u get powerz frum ur ‘rents, then it’s just sum kinda genetic inheritance.” zenia sed, “i dunno wut the rulez r. ur ex-gf haz powerz, eh?” i sed, “she can kinda make guyz do wut she wunts.” zenia sed, “i heard she got n2 a fite w/zandra larson. who 1?” i sed, “i dunno.”
but just then i saw zandra & duncan w/eva abuya comin’ n2 the tim hortons 2gethah & i heard zandra say the wordz, “supplementary diet” to the tim hortons guy & he made up this big mound of food 4 duncan. while duncan wuz eatin’, zandra & eva were lookin’ @him rilly closely, like they were xxpectin’ sumthin’, but all duncan did wuz eat. zenia sed 2 me, “iz that ur mutant ex-gf ovah there? the one with the purplish-grayish skin?” i sed, “thass her. eva abuya.” zenia sed, “thanx 4 the info. i think i am gonna have a little visit.” zenia got up & went ovah 2 the table. zandra looked surprized 2c her. they talked ‘bout sum stuff & i cud tell wutevah zenia wuz sayin’ wuz gettin’ both zandra & eva upset. duncan, howevah, just kept on eatin’.
then zenia came back 2 the table. i sed, “wut happed?” zenia sed, “nothin’, az usual. i didn’t evn get 2c her uze her power. sumthin’ ‘bout how she promised her dad she wudn’t. boring.” i sed, “zandra or eva?” zenia sed, “eva, of course. the only power zandra haz iz her literary taste.” i sed, “sorry it didn’t work 4u.” zenia sed, “no prob.” i sed, “so thass the end of our d8?” zenia sed, “not yet.” then she grabbed me & laid a big long kiss on me, so long i started sayin’ “can’t breathe. can’t breathe.” then zenia let me go & sed, “now, it’s ovah.” & she walked out. i wuz kinda gaspin’ 4 air & wen i pulled myself up i saw both eva & zandra looked livid. duncan on the othah hand, wuz just eatin’. i didn’t wanna find out y they looked mad, if it wuz sumthin’ i did, or sumthin’ zenia sed 2 them. so i got up & left az fast az i cud.
it wuz 1 crayzee aftahnoon.
At 6:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
u know mike, every time u say women r stronger then men cuz they can b more supportive thru the bad times, it just sounds like u r saying u will leave dee the minute she if she ever gets sick, an' u'll use the xxcuse that "a man can't handle it."
if i were dee, i would kick u out on the curb rite now.
o an' liz, whatevs.
becks
At 7:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
gah, mike, stop saying that abt liz "securing her future" w/anthony. even liz sez that isn't true.
so, shannon and i stopped by the hospital after school. i played the guitar and shannon shook a maraca. gramps looked like he was trying 2 smile. after i walked shannon home, i hadta work @ lilliput's.
speaking of which, i hope that book u picked up will b what u were lookin' 4. i won't say nething else since it's a surprise 4 sum1. thanx 4 offering 2 help w/gramps.
apes
At 7:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson,
My name is Beauchamp W. Higginbottom of the law firm of Higginbottom and Crump. Mrs. James Richards is my client. We have spoken before.
Once again, I find myself issuing a cease-and-desist order against you. You know full well you have been unable to substantiate any claims of misconduct against my client, Mrs. James Richards. We have cooperated fully in your investigation and will continue to do so.
It is my contention that you are investigating the wrong family member. My private investigator, Ned Hall, has been working on something that might be of interest to you. Mrs. Richards came to me this evening to share her concerns that there might be some illegal activities going on in a house where very young children live, so I put Mr. Hall in the case. Hypothetically speaking, if a certain wife of a certain family member was discovered to be stealing certain items from her job and trafficking in said items to senior citizen American tourists, with help from the wife of a certain friend and a certain landlord, would you be interested in investigating such a thing? I understand it is close to promotion time down at the station, and a well-known and well-publicized case of a criminal being brought to justice would certainly be looked upon favorably.
Call me if you agree.
Sincerely,
Beauchamp W. Higginbottom
Higginbottom and Crump
At 11:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I had a great time with you at the hospital. Sorry for getting lost on the way in. I was really happy when you found me though. Your grandpa looked really happy to see us. He had a strange look on his face, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Your step grandmother said he was saying things young ladies shouldn’t hear, so I guess it is just as well I couldn’t understand it. I liked shaking the maraca. I know you think your grandpa was trying to smile, but there was a little odor that said maybe he was doing something else.
Anyway, thanks for keeping my book a secret, so it will be a surprise when I give it to that person I am giving it to who doesn’t know I am giving to them. Do you remember who I was giving it to? I think I forgot. No. Wait. I remember now. I better write it down in my April diary while I still remember it.
I had a great night. I really enjoyed hearing about all those things that were bothering you that no one knows are bothering you. I’ll keep it all a secret, don’t worry. Especially that stuff about your boyfriend. That was really juicy stuff. I mean, that person you talked about, who may or may not have been your boyfriend. That’s it.
Anytime you want to take me back to visit your grandpa, I will go.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Mr. Higginbottom, you interest me strangely. We would indeed be interested in any information you may have re the matter to which you allude so darkly. Promotion means little to me, but having a hand in bringing malefactors to justice is something I always pursue; the evildoers in the Patterson clan have eluded justice far too long. As for your client, I submit with the greatest respect that you should NOT allow her to pay her bill with home-made brownies or her special strained carrot souffle.
Sgt. Royalson
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