Opportunity and Real Estate
As Mom and Uncle Phil were leaving Gramps an' Iris's place, Unk Phil was all, "Iris is such a sweetheart, Elly." Mom was waving @ Iris an' answering Phil, all, "I know. We're so lucky, Phil. We R so lucky!" I wish I could tell U that Phil was, like, "U're so reduntant, Elly. U R so redundant." But he didn't say that. I guess they didn't say NEthing else until they had gotten 2 U. Phil's car, and then Mom was all, "It's nice 2 have U back in Ontario!" And he was, like,"Yes, it's been a while. --I just wish it wasn't 4 such a serious reason." Mom was all, "Well, Dad's still w/us-- So it cd have been worse!" Then they didn't say NEthing until they'd gotten in2 the car, an' belted in, and U. Phil had started driving. Mom went, "R U and Georgia still happy in Montreal?" Kind of a weird question, don't U think? And he was all, "Sure!--But we miss it here. We never did get 2 enjoy the little house we bought." Mom put her hand on his shoulder, all "Well, U got a once-in-a-lifetime offer!" Phil answered, even tho just his eyez' reflection were staring outta the rearview mirror, all speadfreaky an' scaree: "Opportunity came knocking @ our door alright!" Then he hovered the car, slightly higher on Mom's side, and continued, "And when opportunity knocks... It often comes w/a real estate agent!" Really? Was that supposta B funny? Mom sez it hardly matters, cuz all the buildings in front of them seemed oddly flattened out, like cutouts, xxcept 4 one, that looked like a poorly drawn box.
So, Mike an' Liz got all lovey abt Mike's "Sheilauggggggggghhhhhhhhh" manuscript in the comments last nite. Liz was even trying 2 "B" Sheilblecch just like Mike always sez he is, by, LOL, using Shiimsa 2 re-enact the birth scene. Memo 2 Liz, if U ever have a real baby, that baby won't have sharp little cat teeth, it will have no teeth @ all, so U won't injure yrself when U nurse it, U goof!
Apes
So, Mike an' Liz got all lovey abt Mike's "Sheilauggggggggghhhhhhhhh" manuscript in the comments last nite. Liz was even trying 2 "B" Sheilblecch just like Mike always sez he is, by, LOL, using Shiimsa 2 re-enact the birth scene. Memo 2 Liz, if U ever have a real baby, that baby won't have sharp little cat teeth, it will have no teeth @ all, so U won't injure yrself when U nurse it, U goof!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:05 AM
5 Comments:
At 8:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and your nimishoo (uncle) talking about your nimishoo (uncle’s) past life in Milborough after they finished visiting your nokomis (grandmother) and your mishomis (grandfather). It made me feel good to know how much your family cared for each other. I mentioned it to my sweet girl during our daily phone conversation. I told her that with your family being such a loving and giving family, I know that we will go and see my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) so often, I will not miss them while I am living in Toronto with her. My sweet girl said, “Toronto? Visit ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather)? What are you talking about, Paul?” I said, “Your nimishoo (uncle) came to visit your mishomis (grandfather), so I know your family visits each other. And my transfer would be to Toronto.” Your sister said, “Oh no. Paul. My nimishoo (uncle) Phil hasn’t been to Milborough in years, and I don’t think we have ever been to visit him in Montreal. Besides, I don’t ever plan to move out of Milborough.” I said, “You want us to live in Milborough and me work in Toronto?” Your sister said, “Since I moved back to Milborough, I suddenly realized that any husband of mine would live with me in Milborough and work in Milborough.” I said, “You mean live in Milborough and work in Toronto.” My sweet girl said, “Didn’t I say that?” I said, “No. You said, ‘Live with me in Milborough and work in Milborough.’”
Your sister said, “Don’t you have that transfer yet? I feel pretty sure that when you do get it, you will find you will be working in Milborough, just like, of all the schools in all the school districts in the Toronto area, I happened to find a job in the Glenallen School in Milborough, even though a certain boyfriend of mine was convinced I couldn’t just be handed the perfect job where I wanted to live. He was soooo wrong and I was sooo right. If it is fate, it will be the same for your transfer, too.” I said, “Well, we’ll see where it is, when I finally get my transfer.” Your sister said, “It better be soon, but not before Christmas. I am visiting you at Christmas.” I said, “I know. I got your latest e-mail. 62 more days.” Then your sister told me this story about disembodied, blinking eyes that appeared in your ngashi (mother’s) rear view mirror of her car. It sounded very strange.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April
Little sis. Thanks for recording that conversation between mom and Uncle Phil. You know I think Uncle Phil is almost right. He’s wrong about the real estate agent part. If opportunity knocked with a real estate agent, then Deanna and I would already be in a house when I got my job as the editor at Portrait magazine. And Elizabeth would have a house after she got her job at the Glenallen School. Or Deanna could have gotten us a house, when she got her full-time job at the pharmacy in the Spigot Building, the same building where your dad works. They could commute to work together, if we had a house in Milborough.
Sometimes I think that mom and Uncle Phil’s generation got the jobs which came along with real estate agents. The only people from my generation who got a real estate agent with their jobs are Gordon Mayes and Anthony Caine. They both got their jobs before I became the editor at Portrait Magazine, so I think maybe the real estate agent must have been cut out of the job bargain sometime just before 2003. Of course Gordon’s old house was his parents’ house and Anthony’s house was Gordon’s old house; so it might have been even before 2003 when things got so expensive. Deanna and I have to scrape and save, just to even think about getting a house. You might want to check and see if your boyfriend’s parents plan to leave him their house, otherwise when you two get married, you may never get to live in a house.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey everyone,
You guys are asking some tough questions on here and so I decided to go and ask Mom about them, since she is the one who knows all the answers, so I asked her, "Hey Mom, do babies have really sharp little teeth?" and Mom said, "Not usually when they're born, but they get them after awhile, and no one can say exactly when, and some kids are born with some teeth, and yes, baby teeth are sharp, so whatever you do, don't breastfeed. The baby will sense your resentment," and I said that was okay, that Shiimsa had already helped me make that decision.
Then I asked Mom, "Is it the right thing to do to leave my relationship with Paul up to fate? Or faith? Or whatever?" and she said, "In that we Pattersons are not big on faith, you probably mean fate, but then again, we do talk a lot about God when times get tough, so maybe you mean faith after all, but either way, yes, I think you're doing the 'wright' thing, after all, I think we both know where that relationship is headed anyway," and I said, "Really? I don't think I know," and Mom patted my hand and said, "Don't worry dear, I know, and that's all that matters. Mama will take care of it," and that made me feel a lot better, don't worry Paul, we have Mom looking out for us.
Then I asked Mom, "Do you think Paul's transfer will be to Milborough?" and she said, "Well, he might not get a transfer. You don't know what fate has in store now, do you?" and I admitted I don't and she said, "If he doesn't get a transfer, that will be fate's answer, but if he does get a transfer, fate will use the town he gets a transfer to to send you a message," and I said, "Like, what do you mean?" and Mom said, "If he gets a transfer to Toronto or another part of the greater metropolitan area, it will show that Paul is not trying hard enough to be there for you, and it will mean fate thinks you should marry a Milborough boy, preferably a childhood sweetheart. But if he gets a transfer to Milborough, then it will be a tougher call. You will have to figure out whether having a very good punny name outweighs childhood sweetheart-dom," and I said, "Wow, tough call!" and Mom said, "Yes. It's hard to say which a Patterson loves more: a childhood sweetheart, or a pun."
Then Mom told me the secret about houses, people in our generation can't get one, it's just too hard, unless you have help from the older generation, that's why Gordo got a house, he got help from Mom and Dad and I guess also from his own parents, and then Gordo kind of passed that help on by giving Anthony the house at some kind of discount, and remember Weed got parent help and owns some houses, but since Mike and Dee won't take parent help anymore, they can't have a house, and also I forgot to say, you have to be married to get a house, you can't be single, that's just not right, it makes it look like you don't need to be married at all and that's wrong, you want to look needy or no one will ever want to marry you.
I told you, Mom knows it all.
Liz
At 12:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
Yo April flower,
Whatup, you recall Eva, the new vocalist for our band? We gotsta lose that crazy bitch, with all due speed. G-Dog won't stand for no bitches getting all up in his face, aiyt? G-Dog's word must always be law, or G-Dog gots t' pop a cap in the ass of any interfering interloper who tries to undermine his authority. Fo shizzle! So, will you break it to her, or do you want me to perform the task? 'Cause if I do it, I might also break that ho's teeth, for reals!
Devotedly, G-Dog
P.S.--Yo, sweet meat, you know of any commercially available cleaning product that could help me erase "and Eva" from my drum? Peace out!
At 12:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes, u gotta control ur bf better, ok? ger came busting in2 my bungalow a little while ago, yelling sumthing abt how eva challenged his manhood 2 a duel or sumthing at band practice. i guess he feels sumthing she did made him feel "dissed." so u should probably talk him down insted of letting him roam free after sumthing upsetting like that. howie almost hit him over the head w/ a axe handle when he came thru the window. he wuz so angry howie thot he wuz sum krazed groupy hopped up on pcp.
it sounds 2 me like what eva did wuz prolly pretty sweet, but since she h8s my guts, don't tell her i sed so.
becks
p.s.--frum ger's ramblings it sounds like u r planning 2 sing that "halloween makes u evil" song at the gym/jam. listen, it's LAME. u should nevah play ger's stuff. u an' dunc could write sumthing soooooo much better if u wanted 2.
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