April's Real Blog

Thursday, October 26, 2006

We didn't wanna hassle ea other

So, yesterday I started 2 tell U abt a band practice we had recently. We were having a crisis, kinda, where we pretty well thot we sukked, and we were sitting around moping while Eva was all, "We sound like crud, April." Dunc was, like, "MayB yr Uncle Phil cd help!" And I was all, "Nah....I don't want 2 hassle him." Well, it turnz out that while we were playing, Phil had told Mom, "The kidz sound pretty good, Elly. Do they alwayz practice here?" And Mom was, like, "Just during the winter... In summer they're mostly in Gerald's garage." Then Mom was all, "I'm surprised they haven't asked 4 yr input. After all, U're a professional musician." And U. Phil was like, "I'd offer... But I don't want 2 hassle them." C, we both didn't wanna "hassle" ea other. Then Phil was all, "B-sides, I'm an 'old guy' now. They get their motivation from pop bands and the kidz they C on TV."

Will the yunger an' older musicians in this fam let go of our fear of "hassle" an' bond over our luvv of music? Tune in and mayB find out, if I don't totally and suddenly switch topix.

Liz, I can undersand yr not liking ppl talking abt yr boobs. I don't like ppl talking abt mine, either, tho usually when they talk abt them, it's more like, "April, Y don't U have NE boobs!?" :(

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:05 AM  

22 Comments:

  • At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your band rehearsing and your ngashi (mother) talking to your nimishoo (uncle) about whether he should hassle you or not. I don’t know your nimishoo (uncle). I am sure he is a fine musician. However, as a policeman, who counsels people regularly as a part of my job, I can tell you it is better to wait for somone to ask to be hassled, than to give a hassling when it is not wanted.

    For example, I have in the jail right now, 2 sisters who got into a fight over whether or not the younger was going to do chores around the house or sit around and watch television. This is a normal problem, except the older sister pinned the younger down to force her to do her household chores, and it escalated from there into a public brawl. The Ontario Provincial Police were called in and when we got there the two sisters were hurling coffee cups at each other’s heads and waving frying pans in a threatening motion. I and my partner quickly pinned them to the ground and cuffed them and took them to the Otter County detachment. Once they were booked, printed, pictured and finally calmed down, I explained to them their whole problem could have been solved if they had not hassled each other before it was time. I said, “Only hassle someone when they want to be hassled. Then there are no hurt feelings or broken coffee cups that way. Always remember, ‘You must be facile, with your hassle.’”

    Yesterday, my sweet girl sent me a message to tell me to stop talking about her intimate body parts with other people. I had to admit I should probably not talk about things I don’t know anything about with others. It was a good lesson, even a counseling constable can learn. I have learned so many things from your sister. For example, when the ngashi (mother) of the 2 fighting sisters came by to visit them in our jail, she accidentally left her sunglasses in the detachment, and I ran out to the parking lot to give them to her before she drove off.

    I mentioned to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) that I no longer needed the lessons she had planned to give me about breast-feeding, since I wasn’t supposed to talk about this topic with my sweet girl anymore. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). I understand you don’t want to hassle Elizabeth by talking about her body parts. However, I am willing for you to talk about mine. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make, so you will be properly educated about breast-feeding.” Chipper is one of the best teachers I know (next to my sweet girl, of course.) If I can learn from Chipper, then when your sister is ready for me to learn about her body parts, then I will be ready. I am looking forward to my next visit to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I hope we can meet again as we did yesterday. I do not want to hassle you, but this hot-blooded Latino has tasted the pleasures of your beauty and he wants more.

    Luis

     

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Theres pride on the line here. I dont want 2 b blown away by Rebeccah, my x sort-of gf, in front of the hole skool. Fax r fax. 4Evah & Eva r lame. R Halloween tune rilly rilly sux. Im desperate. Yr Uncle Phil is a gr8 musician. The worst thing that can happen is that he gives us sum whack jazz arrangement. And I dont think he will cos true musicians nevah stop listening 2 tunes & he knows what we want 2 sound like.

    BTW, y is yr mom saying that we practise @ yr place all winter? She knows we practise in the cube new rehearsal space my dad built aft he got rid of the choo-choo room. It was even in 1 of those st00pid monthly letters.

    L8r.

    MCDunC Rulz

    p.s. I dont look @ yr boobs, Apes cos if I did Id prolly feel weird abt it u r like my sister. Actually, I dont look @ ne grlz boobs ne more till after Ive made eye contact 2 make sure the grlz not Queen Evah I of Canada. I have emergency tinfoil in my locker and my guitar case in case I goof.

     

  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Apes,

    I got a q 4 u. Ive been thinking abt the G1 licence. U only have abt 5 more months 2 go b4 u can get 1 so mayb u have the book already. Can the licensed driver in the front seat b a SAS-trained rabbit? I asked Zed & she flipped on me so I dont want 2 ask her again.

    L8r.

    MCDunC

     

  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. As you are, no doubt, able to tell from mom’s conversation with Uncle Phil, she expects that he, as a professional musician, is able to perform all kinds of music equally well, including the music your band plays. I remember when I first became a published writer and mom said to me, “Michael, now you are a professional writer, you can write anything.” At first, I was a little suspicious, since my background was in journalism. But the next thing you know I am writing stage plays, movie screenplays, doctoring up doctoral dissertations, and even historical essays all with unfathomable success. Unfathomable until you consider that mom was right. Once you are a professional in a career then there is nothing you can’t do. I am sure it is the same way with Uncle Phil. If you asked him to recreate the musical performing style of the Ancient Greeks or remote Tibetan monks, he could do it. That is what being a professional means.

    Naturally this same statement does not apply to your friend Becky McGuire, who has been paid for performing, since what she does would not exactly be called being a professional musician. It would be more like a teenaged girl dressing in as few clothes as possible and bouncing around a stage making noises. In that she would be a professional. I am sure she could wear very little clothing and bounce around a stage in any part of the world, at least the parts where they don’t hassle women for wearing very little clothing and bouncing. I think everyone in the family would agree, she should not be a model for you, and this will be demonstrated very clearly when your band competes against hers and publically humiliates her, an event we all have been waiting to see or hear about for a long time. I hope you had your conversation with Uncle Phil, because he will be able to transform your band from one sounding like crud, to a band worthy of the name 4Evah&Eva.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, dude evn tho my gf decided she liked u better’n me, u can borrow the G1 licence book frum me if u want. i looked 4 rulez ‘bout rabbits & it duzn’t say nethin’ ‘bout rabbits @all, just that the driver n the front seat iz licenced. i thot wilco wuz licenced. wen i asked ‘bout it b4 my ride w/wilco, the rabbit flipped open this little pouch ‘round its neck & i think i saw a licence in w/all its othah paperwork. ur prolly ok, but i kinda doubt that rabbit will evah turn the wheel ovah 2 ne1 else. that rabbit can drive.

    a couple of othah thingz. dude, do u know y gerald haz been in skool sittin’ on a nasty brown rug & doin’ meditationz? just wen i thot he cudn’t get weirder, he duz. i wondah if it haz nething 2 do w/april spending so much tyme w/luis yestahday. do u know?

    also, i don’t wanna hassle u , but just 2 let u know. no1 believez u wen u say u don’t look @april’s boobs. every1 looks @them, evn the girlz, cuz they wanna c if they are changin’ shape & size & stuff.

     

  • At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I completely understand your complaints about people noticing whether your boobs are growing or not, people used to do that to me especially Mom and Mike when I was your age and it freaked me out, I mean really, just keep your eyes on your own boobs, you foobs, that's what I always say!

    Paul, that fight you wrote about between the two sisters was none of your business, it's hardly a police matter if one sister very reasonably wants to use all the physical force that is required to make the lazy younger sister do housework, although I don't really have any argument with you arresting the younger sister if she was fighting back, they aren't supposed to do that, everyone knows that big sisters have suffered through years of being bossed by their older brothers and now it's their turn to be the boss finally and they have every right to make the most of that and the younger sister can just live with it, she can boss the pets if she needs to feel powerful or something.

    Well I gave the kids a 6 hour vocabulary quiz today so I could do a lot more writing on my book, I am still feeling that muse infection so I can't stop myself.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 4
    After the terrible horrible incident where Vane turned out not to be the one, Lilibet returned home for the summer to live with her parents, which at the time she did not appreciate enough because she was still young and stupid, she didn't realize what a treasure parents are and how they know practically everything in life, so Lilibet was excited to go back to school in the fall, so she got on the bus and went, except this cute guy sat down next to her and started to talk to her, well Lilibet didn't know what to do because she had sworn off men, well the boy's name was Winston Fliesby and he was a helicopter pilot, he just loved to fly and he blabbed about it a lot and Lilibet found herself responding against all her better instincts and flirting with him but when Winston asked her out Lilibet was determined to be cruel and turn him down, except she didn't really want to give him the idea she didn't want to go out with him, because of course she did, but she couldn't, because Vane had damaged her very soul and also made her a scarlet woman, so she decided to keep Winston hanging in case she ever decided she wanted a man, so she didn't say no when he asked her out, she just said maybe, and then refused to give him her address or any way to get in touch with her, that was how Lilibet tried to redeem her reputation by making it look like she was not a slut who just wants a man, after all she wanted a husband not a date.

    Well she deliberately avoided Winston for months and months but it was obvious he still liked her because she would sometimes catch him stalking her even though she pretended not to notice, that's just how a girl handles those things, but she was confused about why he did that when she didn't encourage him and she called up her Mom and her Mom told her the terrible, wonderful truth, that women in their family have a special allure that makes men wildly attracted to them, they can't help themselves, but her Mom warned her, this allure wears off at age 30 and you turn into a total hag, much uglier even then normal women, with a huge potato nose and giant bags under their eyes and a gigantic jiggly fat ass, so it's like Cinderella, you have to get a husband before that, and Lilibet knew it was true, already sometimes her ass was kind of fat.

    But Lilibet was all conflicted still because what she couldn't tell her mother was that she had actually done sex stuff before marriage and that meant she had to work extra hard not to be seen as a ho, but then Winston got all pushy and took the bus at the same time as Lilibet during spring break and of course Lilibet couldn't help but liking him, he was cute, and it is fun to have admirers, even if you don't want to really do anything with them and even if you are really just leading them on to make sure they don't lose interest, but if you don't do anything naughty you're not a ho so Lilibet knew what she was doing was perfectly fine, well she kept telling everyone she was not anything more then friends with Winston even though he gave her a helicopter ride and they spent a lot of time together and Lilibet wore his sweater around and even had a 8x11 portrait taken of them as a couple that she put on her special bookshelf in her room, right next to that 8x11 picture she still kept of Albany, her first true love, yes, Lilibet still had deep and unresolved feelings for Albany, there was some mysterious pull that even time could not remove, little did she know it was the allure of the childhood sweetheart, see there are many more magic allures in this world then just the Latterson woman allure.

    Well eventually summer break came again and Winston had to go away to work in Winnipeg and of course Lilibet went home for the summer even though she swore she wanted her independence, there is another kind of magic allure, it is the allure of a girl's home town and also of her mother's home, there is nothing better then a girl's mom and dad, every good girl wants to be just like her mom and marry a man just like her dad, it's the most natural thing in the whole world, and of course for some reason when the thought of marrying a man like her dad came up, all Lilibet could think about was Albany, who she knew was growing up to be an accountant for a local tycoon named Fatso Hayes, which was a Latterson family success story because Lilibet's parents invested $100 in his business one time and so everyone knew Fatso's multi-million dollar empire was because of them, anyway that Albany was working for Fatso spoke very, very highly of him, and of course Lilibet's father was involved in the business because Fatso owed him a debt of gratitude forever, the only way Albany could be more like her dad was if he was a dentist but that would never happen because every time Lilibet suggested he go to dental school, Albany said he had a morbid fear of teeth.

     

  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I don’t know if you and your band conferred with your Uncle Phil or not, but as far as Thorvald McGuire, Becky’s father, is concerned, you did. He came storming into Sugar’s Salon this afternoon and said, “Where’s my Becky-Thora?” I said, “At school, I hope.” Thorvald said, “I wish I had Heimdall’s vision for guarding the Rainbow Bridge between Asgard and Midgard. I forgot today was one of her school days.” I said, “What do you want to talk to Becky so urgently about.” Thorvald said, “The upcoming Gym/Jam at her school. Her main competition is a band called Forever and Ever Amen. I said, “That’s April’s band and they are called 4Evah & Eva." Thorvald said, “I was close enough, Hoskuld. Becky-Thora’s band Rebeccah would win the competition without any problem, but I have heard they have consulted with a magic musician man, who has the ability to transform a mediocre group of teenaged musicians into world class professionals with a single conversation.”

    I said, “Are you talking about April’s Uncle Phil?” Thorvald said, “By Thor’s hammer Mjolnir, you have heard of the man? Is he a true music professional?” I said, “April said he was.” Thorvald said, “This is very bad. Can you imagine the shame if my Becky-Thora was humiliated publicly? Not only the shame, but her upcoming 3rd album might not sell as well as the first 2, with that kind of bad publicity.” I said, “What are you planning to do? What crazy scheme do you have this time?”

    Thorvald said, “There is a legendary Halloween song. Never recorded. Only performed. And it is said that any band who performs this song will be recognized as being the better performer, because of the quality of the material. It is said even the Norn Queens recognize the song’s brilliance.” I said, “You think it is a better song than There’s An Evil Creepin’ Up An’ It’s About To Drive You Wild!? Thorvald said, “What? Hoskuld. You try my temper. It is a better song than that drivel. It is the best Halloween song ever written. Even better than The Purple People Eater or The Monster Mash or Thriller.” I said, “Those songs are classics and are certainly recognized as musical masterpieces. Also, my name is Howard, not Hoskuld.”

    Thorvald said, “I have arranged for Becky-Thora to meet with the song’s composer, and if he is satisfied, he will let her have the song to perform it at the Gym / Jam. That way, no matter what arcane magics have been practiced on Forever and Ever Amen to improve them, my Becky-Thora will still win the competition and have increased sales on her next album.” I said, “Good luck with that.” Thorvald said, “Nay, Hoskuld. I want you there, in case this composer needs a body massage or needs other means to persuade him.” I said, “My name is Howard and I’m not interested. You shouldn’t hassle Becky over this. This is just a little school concert and Becky writes her own music.” Thorvald said, “This is a base betrayal. As her fiancé, you should be supporting Becky-Thora.” I said, “I am supporting her. She doesn’t need some mystical Halloween song to win a talent competition at a high school.” Thorvald left in a huff. He said, “We’ll see about that.”

    That was the interesting thing which happened this morning.

     

  • At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 5

    Well in the last chapter I forgot to mention that Lilibet was really playing it smart with Winston, she wouldn't even kiss him goodbye before he went off to mining country, but she made sure to grind her boobs and crotch against him some when they hugged goodbye and Lilibet could tell her Latterson allure was really working by the way Winston's man-piston got all excited, that was perfect, Lilibet wanted him to know that the only way he would ever get more then a hug was with a diamond ring.

    So she went home and started looking for a job, and it worked out perfect because Lilibet's parents also invested $100 with some gay friends named Torrence and Mick, so they had to hire Lilibet to work at their landscaping place even though Lilibet didn't know anything about plants and had a brown thumb and can't carry anything that weighs more that 20 pounds and can hardly drive a car let alone a fork lift, anyway, it worked out fantastic for Lilibet.

    Well I forgot to mention before that even though Albany was still deeply in love with Lilibet he was still forging on with his life and back when Lilibet was with Vane, he got engaged to a French girl named Kareze, she wasn't all that pretty or alluring like Lilibet but Albany was a good man who wanted babies and he just couldn't wait, and for some reason even after he found out Lilibet was free he didn't break his engagement, maybe because he wanted to be a man of his word, or maybe because he could tell his Lilibet was now a scarlet woman and could never be a virgin bride, but who knows how men think, Lilibet sure never could figure it out, anyway, Lilibet got invited to the wedding and she was very upset, she wanted Albany to love her and here he was marrying Kareze and worst of all Lilibet didn't have a date and was going to look like a loser.

    Well Torrence set Lilibet up with a gay man named Harris, he was extremely handsome and smart and he loved to ballroom dance, and there were no complications with Harris falling in love with her which she didn't want of course, she just wanted to make Albany and Kareze wildly jealous and make sure that on their wedding day they were thinking about her, which is the most important thing, to remind Albany who his one true love is and what he is missing out on by marrying Kareze, after all it's only fair to make sure he knows what he's getting into by marrying his second choice French girl, and besides, Lilibet's grandfather said he spent some time in France during the war and all French girls are whores.

    Anyway so Lilibet learns to dance in a very fancy showy way, she is going to show that Kareze who's day it really is, and also remind Albany that he should have asked Lilibet to marry her, who does he think he is when Lilibet still has his picture on her shelf and there he is getting married to another woman when she knows he still loves her, it's so painful, Lilibet knows if Albany marries another woman there goes her best chance to get a husband soon, now that's shot, but she can at least let Albany know what a huge mistake he is making.

    Well Harris taught Lilibet many flashy dance moves and was all on board with her plan to make Kareze and Albany jealous, and she bought a stunning blue dress, but then Lilibet made a huge mistake in her plans, she went out for a hamburger with her ugly brother Pike, well Pike was not at all sympathetic, he told her to be mature and not make a spectacle of herself or show off and he even told her he was surprised she was going if she was so immature that she just wanted to show off, well of course Lilibet showed him, she got angry and yelled at him in a very mature manner, no matter what her ugly brother Pike had to say about her behavior.

    Well then Lilibet went and told Harris about her ugly brother Pike's comments and Harris told her Pike was right, it was horrible, now she would not be able to show off to Albany what he should have picked for a bride which was only the fair thing to do to help him make sure he knew what he was doing, after all Lilibet was only trying to provide a service to Albany, and Kareze deserved whatever she got because she was not very nice to Lilibet the first time they met, and Lilibet thought, "Thanks a lot, Pike," but then Harris said he would still go with her to the wedding and he loved spending time with her and Lilibet thought what, you're gay, and Harris said he was human and even gay boys are not immune to the Latterson allure, which was very sad for Lilibet because she is not a man, and Harris is very handsome, if she were married to a man like Harris then Albany would be incredibly jealous because even though Kareze is kind of pretty it is in a sharp-featured way that can never be beautiful so that would mean Lilibet had won by getting the beautifuller spouse.

    Well next came the wedding, that part was amazing because even though it was his wedding day Albany was hanging around outside the church waiting for Lilibet to arrive, and when the wedding happened all Lilibet could think about was that she could have been the bride if she had played her cards right and she damned herself for being so stupid, she should of hung on to the man she had in the hand instead of looking for some better looking ones in the bush especially since Albany had gotten very handsome since high school, he now had a very full and sexy moustache and somehow it turned him from a geek into a devastatingly sexy young man, or maybe it was just that seeing Vane's inner ugliness that let Lilibet see Albany's inner beauty by comparison's sake.

    Well it turned out the wedding was awesome after all when Lilibet and Harris went in the receiving line Lilibet pretended to be happy for Albany and Kareze but her plan worked, Kareze accused Albany of being jealous of Lilibet's very handsome date and Albany told her not to say those things right then but of course it was obvious that Kareze was right and Albany was incredibly jealous, Lilibet had won, but it was a hollow victory, after all Kareze was the real winner because she was married and Lilibet had no husband at all and it turns out that wrecking Kareze's wedding day did not change that fact one little bit, Lilibet had to learn that lesson the hard way, so listen up people, being mean on someone else's wedding day does not win you a husband, especially if you go with a gay man.

     

  • At 4:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howie, pleeeeeeeze help me get the super-seecret halloween song! i need it 2 win the gym/jam! i have 2 beat that krazee eva ho!

    xoxo, becks

     

  • At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 6

    Well Lilibet went back to school after the wedding and you know she didn’t see Winston anymore, he was gone, but she was always hoping that maybe he would solve her husband problem by dropping out of the sky on his helicopter and giving her a diamond ring, but of course Lilibet didn’t want to seem slutty so she didn’t write him any letters or emails or call him or anything, she needed to work on her reputation and besides Vane left her with lots of scars, even though they were on the inside, her outside was as beautiful as ever except for the Big Butt Days and her allure was growing stronger all the time.

    Well time went by and that Christmas Lilibet went home and had to go to a New Year’s Eve party, it was at Fatso’s house, and Fatso’s wife Stacey was there too, and just between you and me Stacey could have been called Fatsey, she packed on a lot of weight and was pretty lumpy after the babies she had but she had slimmed down some for that party even though she was wearing lots of dowdy housewife outfits still, anyway, Lilibet knew Albany and Kareze would be there and she had to look like the winner still, not like a loser, so she invited gay Harris to come with her, and she put on a dress that showed cleavage even though no one else at the party was wearing anything remotely sexy, not even her sister-in-law Lee who is supposedly very fashionable, anyway, Lilibet knew she was looking very sexy and she could feel Albany getting all turned on by her and also Kareze’s evil stare burning into her. Lilibet was mad, what right did Kareze have to be mad at her, after all it was not like she could know Lilibet was trying to make her husband Albany stay in love with her, Lilibet, Kareze couldn’t read minds could she, and of course Lilibet always tried extra-hard to make sure that every single one of the things she did to make Albany love her had a totally innocent explanation, like the fact that she only ever ballroom danced when Albany was around was because she is a lover of the dance, really, but of course it wasn’t true, and even Lilibet kind of knew that even though she doesn’t like to admit it but she really doesn’t want Albany to be happily married if she Lilibet can’t be happily married and besides there is something about Albany that just makes him so damned appealing, it’s like there is a powerful Albany allure or something.

    So Lilibet went to the party and danced the sexy moves with Harris and of course everyone watched and thought Lilibet was the most sexy girl ever, but not in a slut way, and people thought maybe she was showing off for Albany but Lilibet was careful and made sure there was no way they could prove it, but that Kareze is evil and suspicious, she guessed that Lilibet was dancing for Albany’s benefit, which of course makes Kareze a very bad person because you are not supposed to think bad things about nice girls like Lilibet who after all just want a husband, and that stupid Kareze is supposed to shut up and be happy she has a husband like Albany, and not be angry or suspicious that Albany loves Lilibet or Lilibet loves Albany, even though Albany keeps that 8x11 glamour shot of Lilibet on the shelf in his office.

    Lilibet’s plan worked, Albany’s eyes were on her all night and everyone thought Kareze was a bitch and then Lilibet made the smartest move of all, it was a move her mom taught her, she left the party and told Stacey it was because Kareze was so mean, that mean mean Kareze was making her not ever spend any time with Albany, and of course everyone thought Lilibet was perfect and innocent and sweet like we all know she is and that Kareze is mean and evil and stupid which is natural because she is French and that’s what they’re like, I mean where does she get off not believing it when Albany lies and tells her that he’s not in love with Lilibet, he married her didn’t he, what else does she want?

    Lilibet’s smart planning was rewarded when Albany grabbed her on the way out the door and gave her a hug, Lilibet rubbed her boobs on him and felt his man-piston get all big like it always does when Lilibet turns a friendly hug into a sexy tease to make a man think about her like a potential wife, it turns out it even works on guys who still have a wife, but Lilibet held out hope because there is a thing called divorce, which only two people in the whole town ever got one of, but Lilibet had heard of it and she thought probably Albany would get one some day because she knew in her heart of hearts that Albany still loved her, a love that was pure and true and clean, as is the love a married man still has for his childhood sweetheart.

    But then on the way home there was a terrible happening, her supposed friend Harris turned on Lilibet and told her she had to stay totally away from Albany because of that horrible Kareze objecting to Albany and Lilibet’s love for each other, and Lilibet said it wasn’t fair because after all Albany and Lilibet always pretend not to love each other, but Harris said it was just what they had to do, they couldn’t change how horrible Kareze was.

    Well Lilibet was all set to go back to teacher’s college and work on her pretend passion for teaching when Albany made a very romantic visit to the bus station just as she was going to leave town, naturally Albany’s love for Lilibet was so great that he couldn’t stand not seeing her one last time, so he told her that he couldn’t stand not seeing her and that he wanted them to stay friends, which meant keep seeing each other socially but never admit to anybody about the deep forever love between them that could never be matched by a love for any other person in life, but of course Lilibet did the right thing and said what her friend Harris told her, that they have to consider that horrible Kareze’s feelings and stay away from each other, because Lilibet is a wonderful person with the very best old-fashioned morals, but Albany said his wife had no reason to be jealous, and of course that is the only reasonable way to see it because even though Albany loved Lilibet more than anyone else in the whole world, he married Kareze like she wanted him to, right, so they agreed that Kareze is evil and unreasonable but Lilibet said that they could never have any more contact again, which Lilibet knew was not going to happen but she knew saying this would make her look like the good guy compared to evil jealous bitchy Kareze and Lilibet wanted to always look good compared to other people, it’s important when you are a Latterson, which is the first family in all of Ontario, and maybe even Canada.

     

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After I got off work, I found Becky and Thorvald, her father, and Orque waiting outside Sugar’s Salon for me. Thorvald had apparently convinced Becky that she needed revenge against Eva, for reasons which I am sure you are already aware. Becky did a lot of begging for me to go with her to meet with the composer of the greatest Halloween song ever written. She promised to do a lot of things, which I was really quite surprised she promised, but it doesn’t matter because I am not going to hold her to those promises.

    We were off to the composer’s house. Becky was on her dad’s motorcycle and I rode with Orque, which would have been a pretty long drive, except Thorvald and Orque drive like maniacs. In Orque’s case, he was pretty clearly trying to get the wind up my skirt so he could see my underwear. I was not really dressed for bike-riding, and I certainly had the wrong kind of underwear on.

    We got to a house along along a beautiful Lake shoreline. It had a rolling, natural landscape. After Thorvald knocked on the door, a manservant met us at and said, “We have been expecting you. Mr. Boel will see you in the drawing room.” I said to Thorvald, “Who are we seeing?” realizing he had left out this fairly crucial piece of information. Thorvald said, “Jilly Boel. He’s not from Viking descent, but I think he is famous in some circles.” I said I had heard of him, or someone very much like him. We were seated in a great drawing room, with walls filled with dark curtains and lined with shelves of all the music awards Jilly Boel had won. Becky was in awe. She said, “Howie. Someday I am going to have a room like one.” I said, “Not a chance. It is too dreary in here. With all this gold and silver, you need to have something other than all these dark curtains in the same room.” Becky said, “Howie, you goof. I mean the awards. I’m going to have awards like these.” Thorvald said, “These trophies could match the Rhinegold for wealth.” Orque said, “Nice craftsmanship.”

    We straightened up when the manservant entered the room and said, “Mr. Boel and his daughter, Ralexis Aye Boel.” An older gentleman entered and with him a girl a little older than Becky, who resembled her father very closely. We did introductions and he looked at me a little strangely, I think it must be because I looked a little windblown. He said, “Welcome to my home. I understand you are interested in performing my famous Halloween song.” Thorvald said, “By Odin’s one good eye, you get right to the point. Yes. What will it cost to get the rights to sing it?” Jilly Boel said, “Well, Mr. McGuire, I have a little problem. You see, my daughter, Ralexis Aye, wants to have a singing career and she wants the song too.” Becky said, “I don’t want to record it. I just want to play it for a competition, so I can beat this other band who has a magical professional musician working with them. I don’t want to record it or anything.” Jilly looked at his daughter Ralexis and she whispered something to him. Jilly said, “That sounds fair. Since it is only one performance, I will let you use the song…IF you can beat Ralexis in a fair competition.” Becky said, “Sure. Do you want me to outsing her, or something?” Jilly said, “No. No. Singing contests are like judging ice-skating contests. Ralexis wants a contest where there is a clearly defined winner.” Orque said, “Like in mud wrestling?” Jilly said, “No. More like in foot races.” Thorvald said, “You want my Becky-Thora to beat your daughter in a foot race?” I said, “It sounds little like the story of Elektra, where the young man had to beat Elektra in a foot race in order to marry her.” Jilly said, “Yes. I should have known the transvestite would get the allusion to Greek literature.” Thorvald said, “Hey! I am the classics scholar here.” Becky said, “All right. I think I can take her in a foot race.” Jilly said, “No. She has to be beaten by a man.” Orque said, “Not fair. She’s a teenaged girl.” Jilly said, “I think you will find her a challenge.” Becky said to Thorvald, “This will be easy. You guys can outrace her easily.” I said, “Not me. I can’t run in heels.” Becky said, “Suck it up Howie and run in bare feet.” Then she said to Jilly, “We agree to the challenge. If my guys beat your daughter, I get the song.” Jilly said, “And if you lose, Jalexis will get to pick one of your guys for a special task she has in mind.” Becky said, “OK. Howie, Fafa, Orque. Get ready to outrun her.”

    Then Jalexis spoke and said, “Three men. Three Challenges. All you need to do is beat me in at least one of them.” Orque said, “Not fair. She is too little.” Jalexis said, “Then you should go first. We will wrestle, and if you pin me you win.”

    We then moved to another room in the house, which apparently had been set up for contests of this sort and Jalexis pulled out a wrestling mat. Orque was still protesting the inequity of the contest, which was reasonable. Jalexis looked like she weighed no more than 50 kg, and Orque weighs almost 3 times that amount. Jilly called for the contest to begin and in what I would was about 5 seconds, Jalexis had Orque pinned to the mat, struggling to move and crying out in pain from where Jalexis had his arm held. Becky gasped. Thorvald said, “This girl is as tricky as Loki.” I said, “This doesn’t look good.”

    Then Jalexis announced the next contest, which I will tell you about after it is done.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    luis has been following me around telling me that he's a really good kisser cuz rolling his "r's" keeps his tung in v. gd shape. it's been v. strange.

    dunc, mom 4gets stuff all the time, and she has trub keeping track of which season it is. unk phil is pretty cube an' cd help us.

    lol, liz, "keep your eyes on your own boobs, you foobs", i'll hafta remember that 1! thanx!

    apes

     

  • At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chapter 7
    Well pretty much nothing happened in Lilibet’s love life until June, when she had her grad, grad is very important, especially to a girl like Lilibet, grad meant she was done with school, which she hated anyway, it is too hard, grad meant she could find a husband now and stop pretending to care about school and a career which is a important thing for a Latterson to pretend, besides grad also meant maybe now she would have time to clean her room and do her laundry, but probably not, Lilibet never had time for those things even before college so why would she after grad, also, grad is like the best party ever, every Canadian knows grad is so incredibly cool, no matter what kind of grad it is, everyone just likes to say the word a lot, grad grad grad, that’s how great grad is.

    Well grad is also great because for the very first time your family comes to where you have been living for three or four years, I forget which, anyhow, they come to see you, even your grandparents and your Uncle Phil and Aunt Georgia who everyone forgot even existed, but then the best thing of all happened, Winston showed up in his helicopter, and Lilibet forgot all about her family, spending time with them wasn’t important when Winston was there, Lilibet was gradding and now she had to find a husband and since Albany didn’t seem to get the hint about getting a divorce and Vane had been too stupid to realize he was supposed to be Lilibet’s One, then Winston would have to do, so she spent all her grad celebration with Winston and she hoped he would get how much that meant, to spend her grad with him, grad is a huge big deal for Canadians, and to make him realize how much he should give her a big diamond ring she even kissed him for the very first time, in front of her parents, because this was like telling them and Winston, “This is the boy who is supposed to marry me now, even if he isn’t my childhood sweetheart or The One, he is good enough because he is the most allured by me right now and it’s time I got married, only 7 more years until I’m 30, better get moving.”

    Lilibet told Winston that she was going to live with some natives for awhile up north, she said this while they were dancing, everything important for Lilibet happens at parties, but anyway, Winston promised Lilibet that wherever she went he would find her and you could totally tell that he was getting the picture that Lilibet would be willing to marry him if he gave her a ring, he was just being a big boy about it and not proposing right away, which was okay, this whole garbage about going to be a native up north anyway was just about testing Winston and also maybe even Albany to see just how far away she could get and how little she could do and still have their love, plus if Winston wanted to marry Lilibet Latterson he had to prove himself worthy, not just anybody gets to marry a Latterson, least of all Lilibet, who had old fashioned morals and standards.

    Then it was the summer and Lilibet went home like all proper unmarried girls should do when they don’t have some good reason not to, anyway, aside from having to beat up her rotten sister Lapril to make her do chores, it was pretty great, even though Lilibet developed a bit of a anger management problem between her rotten sister Lapril and her stupid car that stopped working, anyway Fatso offered to give her a free motorcycle which was perfect, she knew that no man could resist her Latterson allure if she was zipping around town on a motorcycle, there is no better way for a modern woman with old-fashioned morals to “advertise” without being obvious, anyway, so Lilibet had some fun riding around on the motorcycle but oddly enough there were no men attracted to her, even when she “accidentally” ran around on the beach with no top on, even Harris seemed to have something better to do, it was like the summer of her miscontent or something.

    But of course Albany couldn’t let her leave town without “accidentally” running into her when Lilibet brought the motorcycle back, only this time he did something that made Lilibet kind of angry, it turned out instead of telling her he was divorcing Kareze to marry Lilibet he was having a baby with Kareze, so of course to hide how she felt she told Albany she didn’t care, she had a dream to go up north with some natives and of course Lilibet broke her promise to respect Kareze’s feelings and not talk to Albany and promised to email because Pike and Harris weren’t around to be sticking their stupid noses into Lilibet’s business and telling her what to do.

     

  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Jalexis decided the next contest would be arm-wrestling and Thorvald was her chosen opponent. Thorvald said, “I will be watching for trickery. Maybe this girl is really a robot.” I thought, “It’s one thing to be able to pin someone bigger than you are, since that requires leverage and knowledge of pinning moves, but with arm-wrestling, it is pure arm strength. How is she going to compete with a big guy like Thorvald?” Becky said, “Fafa will beat her for sure. Her arms are like sticks, and his are bigger than her head.” But poor Orque, who was still nursing his sore arm from being pinned said, “She is like a devil. Thorvald will need to keep his eyes open for some trick. That was the only way she could have pinned me.” I said, “She pinned you because she got behind you and put your arms in a pinning position before you even made a move.” Orque said, “A demon, Hoskuld and don’t talk to me about it. It’s embarrassing enough as it is.”

    Thorvald and Jalexis grabbed each others hands and Thorvald’s hand almost completely covered hers. Then Jilly called the beginning of the match. Thorvald’s arm thrust forward and I thought the match was going to be over just as quickly as it was with Orque. But he didn’t quite get Jalexis’ arm to the table and she was smiling as she slowly forced Thorvald’s arm back. Then I saw Thorvald getting red in the face and starting to lose his temper. He said, “A McGuire is not going to lose a contest to a little girl, and he was sweating and straining and managed to push Jalexis hand back down again, almost to the table.” But then she kept smiling and slowly pushed his arm back again. Thorvald was sweating and straining to stop her, but then his arm went all the way to the table. Becky said, “No fair. This isn’t a girl. She must be some kind of robot.” Jalexis looked indignant and said, “I am not a robot.” Jilly said, “Look her over if you must. Whenever men lose to Jalexis, they always doubt it.” So, Becky looked Jalexis over, looking for something to show a mechanical something, but she couldn’t find anything. Both Thorvald and Orque were rubbing their arms now. Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. May the Valkyrie look out for you as you try your strength against her. I fear we are not going to win this song for Becky.” Becky said, “Can you beat her, Howie?” I said, “I doubt it. She already took down Thorvald and Orque, and they are both bigger and stronger than I am.”

    Then Jalexis announced the next contest, which I will tell you about after it is done.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Jalexis came up to me and said, “You are the most feminine of her men. I don’t want to soil my hands on you.” I said, “Thanks, I think.” But Orque and Thorvald both protested they had their feminine sides too. Jalexis decided the next contest would be a tug of war. She took a rope off the wall and we went outside to a dirt pit apparently designed for such a contest. She stood on one side of the dirt pit and threw the other end of the rope to me on the other side. Then she pulled the rope tight. She said, “The person pulled into the dirt pit loses.” I was standing outside in my dress and high heels and thinking, “How am I going to win this contest? I am definitely not dressed for it.” Then Becky started yelling at me, “Take off your high heels, Howie.” I said, “No way. I am not getting my feet into this dirt.” But then Orque and Thorvald yelled at me the same thing. I said, “Shut it! If I am going to lose this contest, as least I will be well-dressed.” Then Jilly called the beginning of the match. There was a massive tug on the rope from Jalexis, but I was ready for her and leaned back as far as I could, putting my whole weight on the heels of my shoes. The heels buried themselves deep in the earth and gave me a good solid anchor. Jalexis was strong, probably stronger than any woman I have ever met before, but she could not pull me off the anchor of my shoes. After she pulled for awhile, she weakened for just a moment, and I took the opportunity to step back and reanchor my shoes a step back. She pulled harder, and I could see her sweating and straining, but every time she slackened off, that was another step back for me. Finally, she was getting close to the dirt pit and she had no leverage left. A good hard pull on my side and she went tumbling in.

    Becky and Thorvald and Orque were cheering and yelling and jumping and shouting, “The song is ours! The song is ours!” Jilly looked awestruck. But from the pit I heard a sobbing sound. I went over to help Jalexis up and I saw deep tears running down her dirt-covered tear-strewn face. I said, “You are really good at tug of war, but you should never underestimate a man just because he is wearing a dress and heels. Don’t worry about the song. Becky only wants to use it for one performance.” Jalexis said, “You beat me. In the story of Atalanta, she had to marry Hippomenes, the man who beat her in the foot race by dropping the golden apples of Aphrodite to distract her.” I said, “Wasn’t that Elektra?” Thorvald said, “No, Hoskuld. I told you that you should leave the Greek scholarship to me. Electra was the woman who had her mother Clytemnestra killed by her brother Orestes, after Clytemnestra had her father Agamemnon murdered for human sacrificing her daughter and Electra’s sister, Iphigenia, to get a good wind for sailing after he had offended the goddess Artemis,after he killed a sacred deer in a grove sacred to Artemis.” Orque said, "Orques is confused." I said, "Me too, Orque." Jilly said, “I guess I should know better than to assume transvetites know their Greek scholarship.” Jalexis said, “But, daddy. You said I had to marry the man who beat me.” Orque said, “Maybe he was thinking of Red Sonja who had to mate with the man who beat her in combat.” Becky said, “What does it matter? Howie won. Let me have the song.”

    The Jilly said, “Well, I don’t know how to say this but…” Becky said, “Let me guess. There isn’t a song.” Jilly said, “Well, there is a song, but it’s not very good. Otherwise I would have recorded it myself.” Jalexis said, “Daddy! All those men I beat! What did you do with them?” Jilly said, “Gardening work mainly and some cleaning. It was a lot cheaper than hiring someone.” Thorvald said, “You put us through this contest to get free household labour?” He was rubbing his sore arm, and looking like he wanted to get his war axe. Orque didn’t seem very happy either and was also rubbing his sore arm. Jilly said, “Here! Here’s the song. Don’t hurt me!” Becky took the song and looked at it. She read it quickly and then she started laughing. “Oh my God. Look at these lyrics.” They went like this:

    One, Two, Three, Four!
    There’s an evil creepin’ up an’ it’s about to drive you wild!
    There are creatures in the shadows, an’ they’re gonna getcha, child!
    There are witches brewin’ poison an’ there are phantoms in their stew,
    An’ the graveyards are a rockin’-because ol’ death is stalkin’ you…

    I said, “It’s that same awful song Gerald wrote for 4Evah.” Becky said, “Maybe not. This is actually better than most songs Gerald writes.” Thorvald said, “Do you know a Gerald Forsythe-Delaney?” Jilly said, “Is he any relationship to Dr. Aloysius Lesley Forsythe-Delaney?” Thorvald said, “He is his son.” Jilly said, “No. Never heard of him.” Thorvald started roaring, “I will use my war axe on you. You already gave this song to Dr. Forsythe-Delaney!” Jilly said, “He offered me a good price on some psychoanalysis, which I needed after my professional model/wife left me.” Thorvald said, “I have had the same problem with my soon-to-be ex-wife Krystle.” Then they started commiserating together.

    I said, “If you guys are done, can we go home now?” Becky said, “This was a big waste of time, except for watching you beat that beyotch in tug of war, Howie.” Orque said, “Will you rub my arm, Hoskuld?” I said, “As long as you don’t get excited like the last time.”

    So, then we rode back home. And that was the end of that, or so I thought. I will have to tell you rest as soon as I deal with this little problem that came up.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    geez, i think mayb howie has sum brain damage frum the contest or sumthing. he wrote "electra" up top when he meant "atalanta." he got it rite at the boel's house. no telling what that krazee jalexis did 2 him!

    neway, w8 till u hear the rest of the story!

    becks

     

  • At 8:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    never mind my last post, howie xxplained it. my bad.

    becks

     

  • At 8:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger TOTALLY told me he wrote that song himself, w/out ne help!!!

    an' dang, i guess jilly boel really took it hard when bristie crinkley left him, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg apes, u don't know the 1/2 of it, ur mom duzn't let u read celebrity filth! but i have a subscription an' let me tell u, jilly is always getting blasted an' crashing his car in2 stuff, he totaled like 5 or 6 cars just this year, he is totally messed up, he sez he needs booze 2 drown the pain of bristie leaving him 4 that guy she wuz in the plane crash w/. the weird thing is that jilly has a new gf, she's like jalexa's age, but he is still getting drunk an' ramming in2 stuff. so if a broken heart wuz the prob, then y is drunk driving still his fave hobby? omg, just last week he wuz in cf! cuz he got lit an' drove his lincoln navigator off a pier @ the hamptons an' crashed it in2 the boat where lindsay lohan wuz having a illicit affair w/ paris hilton's bf. u should of seen the pics in cf!! 1st lindsay an' paris were pulling each other's hair, then they dive 4 cover when the ginormo suv smashes on2 the boat, then lindsay an' paris realize they broke sum nails an' got their hair extensions messed up, an' 1 of lindsay's breast implants popped, so they pull jilly frum the wreckage an' beat on him w/ a compass an' a sextant which they sed in a interview l8r they used cuz there were no frying pans on board.

    jilly sed he wuz gonna go 2 rehab after that but when we were leaving his house 2nite, we saw him getting in2 his new porsche w/ a bottle of johnny walker in his hand. both me an' howie shook r heads an' sed we know how that story is gonna end. i just hope jilly has on his flame-retardant sansabelt slacks.

    becks

     

  • At 12:30 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After our trip to Jilly Boel's house, I was really glad to be back at Becky’s Bungalow, when Thorvald and Orque finally dropped off Becky and me. Becky said, “That was big waste of time. What’s for dinner?” Then I heard this other voice, and it said, “What’s for dinner. I’m starved.” I had to blink twice. It was Jalexis. I said, “How did you get here?” Jalexis said, “Does it matter? You beat me. You are my Hippomenes. I am your Atalanta.” Becky said, “No. No. No. Go back to where you came from. I read Celebrity Filth!. I saw your dad get in his new Porsche with his bottle of Johnny Walker, and he said he was going to go to rehab, and…Hey! Your dad didn’t follow us and drop you here, did he?”

    Jalexis said, “I needed some place to stay while dad is in rehab, plus I felt bad that song was so awful, when you thought it was going to be really good.” Becky said, “No. Wrong. I am on to your tricks. You are after my Howie. He beat you in tug of war. Let me tell you 3 reasons why you should leave: (1) Howie is my fiancé, (2) Howie is gay, (3) Howie cheated and that’s how he beat you in tug of war and (4) I am going to kick your ass if you don’t leave.” Jalexis said, “That’s 4 things, not 3 things. And how did he cheat?” Becky said, “Tell her Howie.” I said, “I dug the high heels of my shoes into the ground as an anchor. My high heels are specially made to support my weight, so they don’t snap off as easily as most women’s shoes do.” Jalexis said, “That’s not cheating. That’s good strategy, like when Hippomenes dropped the golden apples to distract Atalanta, so he could beat her.”

    Becky said, “You’re not listening. There are still reasons 1 and 2.” Jalexis said, “You can’t be engaged to him. You’re only 14 years old.” Becky said, “15 and going on 16.” Jalexis said, “I am over 18, so I am engaged to him by the rules of Atalanta and Hippomenes.” I said, “I don’t think those are real rules. Becky and I are officially engaged by the traditions of her family.” Jalexis said, “And what traditions are those?” I said, “Viking tradition.” Jalexis started laughing and said, “You have got to be kidding. Greek trumps Viking. The Greek classics are way better than those awful Icelandic sagas.”

    Becky said, “That’s it beyotch. Bergthora Thorvaldsdottir doesn’t take insults to her Viking heritage. I’m calling you out.” Then Becky whipped out a frying pan. Where does she put those when she is walking around? I have been buds with Becky for over a year now and it is still a mystery to me. Jalexis said, “Frying pan, eh? I can match that. I have my Jalexis Raye model Cold Spring Harbour skillet.” Then there was the clanging of frying pan and skillet, with each side neither giving nor taking an inch. Jalexis was stronger, but she could not match Becky’s years of experience in skillet self-defence. It seemed to be an even match, but the clanging of the cooking devices began to attract attention---attention in the form of a very large dog. Becky’s dog Freyfaxi leapt in front of Becky and pinned Jalexis to the ground and was growling at her. Then her two other dogs, Zeus and Apollo, came up to Jalexis and started licking her in the face, and Jalexis started laughing and saying, “Call them off! It tickles too bad. I give up.”

    Becky said, “Zeus! Apollo! Stop licking her right now. Kill! Bite her!” But they didn’t obey. I said to Becky, “It’s the old Greek vs. Viking thing again. You should have named them nice Viking names.” I pulled Freyfaxi off of Jalexis. She said, “Wow! I wish I had a dog like that! Is this a Viking dog?” Becky said, “Freyfaxi is his name, and he doesn’t like anyone saying bad things about Vikings, and nobody rides him except me.” Jalexis said, “Cool. Can I come into your house to make a phone call?” Becky said, “Don’t you have a cell?” Jalexis said, “I did, but your dog is kind of heavy and he broke it.” Becky said, “Oh, all right.”

    We went inside and while Jalexis was making her phone call, I started making dinner. After she was done on the phone, Jalexis said, “That smells really good. Can I stay for dinner?” Becky said, “No. When your ride comes, you are leaving.” Jalexis said, “I didn’t call for a ride. I called the Celebrity Filth! reporters. When they get here, they are either going to see a big celebrity pop singer cat fight if you try to throw me out, or they are going to see Jalexis Raye Boel and Becky McGuire collaborating on a new song for her school concert because they are new best friends, like Paris and Nicole.”

    Becky said, “What? I am not your friend. You are just a boyfriend stealer. Howie! Throw her out! Now! Before the reporters get here.” I said, “You heard Becky. Let’s go.” We started out the door, and camera flashes started firing off. The reporter said, “Jalexis. Is Rebeccah throwing you out?” Becky was out there in a flash and said, “Don’t hassle us. Jalexis and I are new best friends, taking in some fresh air, before we have dinner.” The reporter said, “Don’t you have any dirt for us?” Becky said, “Jalexis is staying here with me, while her father goes into rehab for a few days.” The reporter said, “Now we’re talking.” Becky said, “Her father is going into rehab with his good friend Johnny Walker and he has on flame-retardant sansabelt slacks.” The reporter said, “Well at least he’s better prepared than last time.” After the reporter left and the photographer took several pictures of Jalexis and Becky together in various friendly poses, the two reentered the house. Jalexis said, “Thanks a lot for squealing on my dad.” Becky said, “You’re welcome. Thanks a lot for the reporters in my yard.” Jalexis said, “You’re welcome, back at you.”

    As they were eating dinner, Jalexis said, “This is great food. Do you eat like this all the time?” Becky said, “Keep your hands off my Howie, and yes. Howie is a great chef.” Jalexis said, “Where am I going to sleep?” Becky said, “You can sleep in Howie’s room. He snuggles with me every night until he goes to prison.” Jalexis said, “You’re going to prison? Cool! What did you do?” I said, “Sexual assault.” Jalexis, “Got a little too rough with the gay stuff?” I said, “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. It was a woman.” Jalexis said, “Cool.”

    I showed Jalexis my room and the wash room, and some of my shampoos she could use if she wanted. When I was in Becky’s room, she said, “We have to get rid of her, Howie. It is so obvious, she is after you.” I said, “I go to work tomorrow. You go to school. She’ll be bored and she will probably leave by herself. Don’t worry, Becky.” Jalexis came into the room and said, “Excuse me. I did some checking for you Becky. That magic musician man, you thought had consulted with your band competition, didn’t consult with them. That’s what my sources say, and they are usually very accurate. So, when you go to school tomorrow, you can talk to the people in that band without worrying about anything, even tell them it’s pretty cool they will be opening for you, and stuff like that. Oh, and my mom is blonde like you are, so if you like, I can show you a way to fix your hair tomorrow so it’s really big and curly like my mom’s. Good night.” Then she left. I said, “She seems nicer.” Becky said, “I still don’t trust her, but her mom is really pretty. I might let her do my hair, if it doesn’t seem like she is messing it up. You’ll watch her, eh?” I said, “Like a hawk.”

    That’s it for tonight. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

     

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