April's Real Blog: If U can't B good U mite as well B fun

Monday, October 30, 2006

If U can't B good U mite as well B fun

So, the Gym Jam has come an' gone, and I'm gonna take a while tellin' U abt what happed, cuz that's how Pattersons tell storiez. Sorry abt that, I know it can B v. annoying @ times.

B4 the Jam started, all the performers were, like, w8ing in the backstage area. Sum1 was all, "Rebecca(h), can we have yr autograph? And Sum1 else was all, "Will U B doing stuff fr. yr last CD?" From the stage, we heard, "For Evah and Eva! --U're on in 3... 2... 1..." Shannon, wearing a "Staff" t-shirt, came up all, "Hey... April... Break a leg... eh?" as we were filing in @ stage left, and I was like, "Thanks, Shannon!" Eva, w/her hair all poofed out, was giving me a "hurry up" kinda look.

So we took our places on stage, and we all had these fringey outfits on, tho Eva an' I had bare-midriff versions. All of us had the shreddly fringes on both our tops and pants. Oh, and I had my hair DOWN! And it didn't rebun itself! So psyched abt that.

Luis was all, "This is it, guyz!" Ger was like, "Where'z our secret weapon?" Then our friendly ghost, who was hidden in the coffin @ upstage, opened the coffin door, all "The hose-o-phonium is here!" As the curtains were parting, I leaned over 2 Eva and sed, "We may not B famous--but we're gonna B FUN!" Cuz, y'know, taking the time and effort 2 get GOOD is such a strain, an' Pattersons believe that music is for FUN! So prepare 2 hear how we went all novelty act @ the Jam.

Apes

19 Comments:

At 9:08 AM, Anonymous said…

April,

I got to talk to you and say “Break a leg.” That was the best part of the day, except for hearing you play, eh? I was wearing my bumblebee outfit for the costume contest and I was walking around going making my bumblebee noises “Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.” and pretending to sting people with the stinger on my bottom. Then one of the special needs teachers said I could be “STAFF” instead and wear a “STAFF” t-shirt. I wasn’t as much fun as being a bumblebee, but I did get to see you. That was worth it, eh?

I don’t know why you thought you weren’t good. I thought you were great and I had fun listening to you and everyone else did to, and of course, I liked your music a lot better than Becky’s. The guy in the ghost costume was really the best. I got to stand close because I am “STAFF” and I don’t know if I could stand as close if I was a bumblebee. That was good too.

Can I get your autograph? It would be the perfect thing to add to my April diary.

Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:15 AM, howard said…

April,

I am afraid in Becky’s camp before the Gym Jam, Becky was pretty depressed. Her houseguest, Jalexis Raye Boel, came up to Becky and said, “Becky. I have discovered what your rival band is going to do. My sources have come through for me.” I said, “Jalexis, we already know the answer to that because we read April’s Real Blog.” Jalexis said, “But what you didn’t know is their secret weapon is going to be dressed as a ghost and standing in an upright coffin. Not only that, but they bought matching Halloween costumes and upgraded a lot of their equipment.” I said, “You are so screwed, Becky. April’s Uncle Phil is in costume and playing with her band. There is no way you can beat that.” Becky said, “Howie. Are you forgetting the tour, and my CDs, and how good my band is?” I said, “Becky, in any other town but Milborough, you would kill. But in Milborough, and with one of April’s older relatives playing, you have no chance. At least April doesn’t have her Grandpa Jim playing with her. Then they might start throwing things at you.” Becky looked forlorn. She said, “You’re right, Howie. All I can really do is to put on a good performance and play some quality music, unless…unless I can get an older Patterson to play with me.” I said, “What older Patterson would even consider doing it? I hope you’re not thinking about Elly?” Becky said, “Don’t be crazy. There is another older member of the Patterson family in town.” I said, “You don’t mean…” Becky said, “Yes. Howie. Fiona Brass. If I can get her to play in Rebeccah, then we stand a chance.”

So, Becky and I and Jalexis went to Fiona Brass’ house. She greeted us at the door and said the words I always hate to hear her say, “I’ve been expecting you. I knew my cousin John’s brother-in-law was in town, and I assumed he would be roped into a musical performance at the Gym Jam. You want me to perform with you, don’t you?” Becky said, “Yes. Would you do it?” Fiona said, “Wait a minute! I have some terms, and first you must agree to them.” Becky said, “What are they?” Jalexis said, “We can handle anything like a special snack or food spread. Howie is a great cook.” Fiona said, “Who is this?” Jalexis said, “Jalexis Raye Boel, here to help Becky win this contest.” Fiona said, “I see. Pop singer riding on her father’s coattails. I admire nepotism. My cat Belmont III got his job primarily because I liked Belmont II.” Jalexis looked perturbed.

I said, “Would you be so kind as to tell us your conditions?” Fiona said, “First, my cat Belmont III must participate.” Becky said, “OK.” Then Fiona said, “And I want Howard to make me a home-cooked meal, and that’s before he goes to prison.” I said, “OK.” Then Fiona said, “And Howard spends the night with me after the meal, of course.” Becky said, “Of course.” Jalexis said, “Hey! Why is it that I don’t get to snuggle with Howie, and she does? I’m engaged to Howie and she isn’t.” Becky said, “You’re not engaged to Howie.” Jalexis said, “Am to.” Becky said, “Are not.” Jalexis said, “Am to.” Fiona said, “I won’t be snuggling with Howard. I will ride him hard and put him down wet.” Becky and Jalexis said, “Eww!!” Then Becky said, “Are you willing to make the sacrifice, Howie? I don’t mind, as long as you take a sterilizing bath afterwards. It’s not like you haven’t done it with Fiona before.” I said, “That was when I was getting over being a dog and she took advantage of me.” Jalexis said, “A dog? Are you talking about a position?” I said, “Unfortunately no. It’s a long story.”

Becky said, “Is that it? Are there any more conditions?” Fiona said, “No. That should do it.” Jalexis said, “Aren’t you going to ask her what she plays?” Becky said, “No need. We are already playing against a band using a trumpet mouthpiece with a beer bong tube as a secret weapon. Fiona could make music picking her teeth, and it would count.” Fiona said, “I don’t have enough teeth left for that kind of instrument.”

I would tell you more, but I have a sense that Becky wants to do that herself.

Love,
Howard Bunt
At 9:28 AM, Anonymous said…

April,

Little sis. Once again you seem to be leaving out crucial elements of your story. I heard from mom who talked about how you told dad it would be an important investment in your friends if your band trounced your former friend Becky McGuire in your school concert, so you could demonstrate to the world that “fun” was better than “famous.” Talk about knowing what button to push with dad. I am extremely impressed, little sis. I thought I was the only one of us siblings who knew how to get dad to invest in his friends. The Lizardbreath certainly never figured it out.

You seemed to know exactly what to say to dad. Mom said, “New sets, matching shredded costumes, a new keyboard for your Latino member, a new backdrop, wireless microphone for your lead singer. All these things just for a couple of songs at a school concert.” It seemed like an outrageous expense to mom, but both she and I know it is worth it, if your band really showed up that slattern Becky McGuire’s band. As we all know, there is nothing that can beat us Pattersons when we pull together for a task.

All I can say is congratulations, little sis. I didn’t get to see your performance, but I hope you describe the humiliation of Becky McGuire in vivid detail this week.

Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:13 AM, Anonymous said…

April,

I am very glad your friends all came over for a costume fitting in all that stuff you made Dad buy you, but I'm worried, your friend, I don't remember her name, the other girl in the band, you know, the ethnic one with the lavender skin and white hair, anyway, her costume was very sexy, she looked much older than 15, we learned at a special in-service that she is dressed like what child protective services calls "jailbait," anyway, then I saw you in your costume next to her and I am worried because you have on a pair of non-sexy shredded pants. While you do have a shreddy top that shows your stomach, you also have a guitar in front of you, so no one will see it, therefore on the scale of sexiness Eva is like a 9 and you are like a 4, which is perfectly proper for a Patterson, don't get me wrong, but it is the comparison with the lavender girl I am worried about, especially where your boyfriend is concerned, Gerald can't be expected to stay faithful to you if you do not try to tart yourself up now and then to lure him away, now remember, how do I dress when I go out to parties on New Years and to weddings, I dress as sexy as I can, and you should to, you need to try your hardest to hold on to Gerald, or if you can't keep him, try to establish a childhood sweetheartdom with one of the other band members, maybe the one with the accent, or the one who looks like Mario Lopez from "Saved by the Bell" except with a very blank expression, either one of them would work I suppose, although I hear a rumor that there is a rule that a Patterson can't be gay or marry someone who isn't white, I'm sure that's not true, right?

Also, I am wondering how you are so convincing as to get every minority teenager in Milborough to be in your band, that's impressive, I hear you even almost got some special ed kid in the band too, but she freaked out about having to "shake her bells" or something, well at least you are working on sexy choreography, if you "shake your bells" at Gerald, that should help.

Liz
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i wuz settin’ up the sound in the gym 4 rebeccah’s show, so she cud follow u guyz az close az she cud w/o the crowd gettin’ restless. i gotta say i wuz a little surprised 2c ur uncle phil settin’ up all that backdrop stuff w/ur dad. i sed, “dr. p. i thot april’z band wuz only gonna do a couple of numberz & then rebeccah’s band wud take the stage. all this stuff iz gonna take a little while 2 move. it’s kinda overkill 4 a few songs.” ur dad sed, “jeremy jones, my old car test driving companion. phil, this the young man i told u ‘bout. 1 of april’s childhood sweethearts.” ur uncle came ovah & sed, “i met her othah childhood sweetheart, the bajan boy earlier. this must b the boy who tried 2 run down april w/a bike & got hit by a car. i heard the ‘germy wormy jeremy jones’ song 2day. it’s a catchy tune. u must b proud april rote a song just 4u. thass a good sign.” i sed, “hey! u didn’t tell me i looked middle-aged.” ur uncle phil sed, “take a look @me. i am close 2 the same az age az my sister, april’s mom, elly, but i look like i am in my 70s. @least u look youngah than elizabeth’s childhood sweetheart, anthony.” i sed, “i rilly don’t think april wud call me a childhood sweetheart & she didn’t rite that song 2b nice 2 me.” ur dad sed, “nonsense, jeremy. elly & april visited u in hospital. if liz can turn candace halloran around & mike can turn brad luggsworth around, then my best friend april can turn u around.”

i sed, “thass all b-sides the point. u have all this stuff ur settin’ up that i will hafta take down 4 rebeccah 2 take the stage & it’s 2 much stuff 4 a couple of songz.” ur dad sed, “a couple of songs? hah! april’s band is going 2b up there a lot longer than that.” i sed, “they’re scheduled 4 two pieces.” ur uncle phil sed, “that wuz b4 i brot n my flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium. once these teenagers hear it, then they will want encores.” i sed, “a what?” then ur uncle showed it 2 me. i sed, “oh. it’s 1 of thoze novelty hosaphones.” ur uncle phil sed, “it’s not a novelty wen it’s played by a professional musician in a ghost costume standing in an upright coffin.”

ur dad sed, “don’t show our secret weapon 2 jeremy. he’z 1 of the enemy.” i sed, “the enemy? wut r u talkin’ ‘bout?” ur dad sed, “u know. becky mcguire’s band.” i sed, “y wud rebeccah b the enemy? she asked for 4evah&eva 2 open 4 her.” ur dad sed, “that wuz just 4 her 2 show off she iz bettah than her old band.” i sed, “i don’t think so. the othah skool band burnt butt casserole wunted 2 play. u get gud xxposure openin’ 4 rebeccah & prolly sum gigz outa it 4 peeps who wunt sum1 who won’t cost as much 2 book az rebeccah.”

ur dad sed, “if april’s band gets business out of their performance, it will b cuz they r havin’ fun & not cuz they opened 4 sum1 famous. fun beats famous.” ur uncle phil sed, “absolutely. thass y i am head of the music department @ academie st-denis, & not tourin’ ‘round w/my old jazz band.” i sed, “can’t u b famous & have fun 2?” ur dad sed, “i know wut kinda fun famous peeps have. famous peeps have no real or true friends, so they may think they r havin’ fun, but they r not. the very best times w/ music r wen family & friends get together, gathered in a kitchen or living room, & sum1 plays the guitar, & sum1 plays the fiddle, & every1 starts 2 sing or dance.” i sed, “wut r u talkin’ ‘bout? u nevah do that w/ur family. no1 plays the fiddle n ur family. april told me her uncle phil playz the trumpet & her grandpa jim plays guitar like she does. did u watch 2 much hee-haw wen u were youngah?” ur uncle phil sed, “obviously, john. he is upset cuz he knows he is gonna lose.” ur dad sed, “no1 likes a sore loser jeremy.’ i sed, “it’s a concert & not a contest. the only contest iz the costume contest.” ur uncle phil sed, “we mite win that 2. look @my ghost outfit.” i sed, “it’s a sheet with holes cut out.” ur uncle phil sed, “but i am a richards.” i sed, “u don’t evn go 2 this skool. ur a grown-up.” ur dad sed, “don’t mind him phil. he’s lived in mboro all his life, & still duzn’t know how thingz operate ‘round here. let’s set up sum more pumpkins. c u l8er loser!” ur uncle phil sed, “get ready 2 eat sum humble pumpkin pie.” ur dad laffed & sed, “good 1 phil.”

all that stuff happed while i wuz gettin’ ready 4 the gym jam. by the way, i think u look rilly good w/ur hair down. i hope it isn’t a temporary change for halloween.
At 1:10 PM, Anonymous said…

Mike,

I don't think you understand me really, I'm different from you, see, maybe we're both novelists but you're a boy, so it's important for you to be independent and stuff from Mom and Dad, so you don't take their money, and you want them to give their extra money to your friends with businesses, but me I'm an unmarried girl, so I want Mom and Dad to help support me by giving me a house, food, and a car, I mean I know I say I pay "rent" but Mom refuses to cash those checks just like I knew she would, she hangs them on the wall with your check, but anyway, my point is, I want my parents to invest in me, not my friends, and actually now that I think about it, even when I'm married I want them investing in me and my kids, which if you think about it you aren't above taking their stuff, maybe you tried to pay back that money but you stole all the rec room furniture, you could of bought some furniture yourself but instead you spent all your money on a honeymoon and buying Dee all those new clothes she never wears before she gives them away to charity, so maybe we're the same after all, huh.

Anyway though I did tell Candace that if she ever wants to stop backpacking in Europe and actually come home and work she could get money from Mom and Dad to open her own practice, and Candace said, "Maybe, after all, I've already got the routine down," and I said, "What do you mean?" and she said, "Oh, you know, the one where the friend with the bad home life gets help from your parents and then slobbers on them forever after that, at any possible opportunity," and I said, "Yeah, you got kind of good at that after that New Year's Eve when you came to my house to stay after your mom's boyfriend tried to go after you," and Candace said, "You mean, after he tried to rape me?" and I said, "Candace! You know we Pattersons don't use the R word," and Candace said, "Yeah, I know, your mom told me all about it that night," and I said, "Good old Mom," and anyway, all my other friends will have husbands and from what I can tell it is the man's job to build the business while the wife helps out while also raising the kids, unless you are gay, then it's trickier.

Liz
At 1:11 PM, April Patterson said…

liz, don't worry, when i took off my guitar after we performed, i looked hott an' ger cdn't take his eyez off of me.

mike, i sed what i had 2 say 2 dad 2 get what we needed 4 the band, but sorry, i'm really not interested in humiliating becks. she's a prof musician an' singer-songwriter now, an' there's no way we can really compete w/that the way we r, so we fell back on the whole "pattersons use music 4 fun" stance. it's not like i totally believe that, but we didn't have the time 2 make ourselves, like, becky-caliber.

howard, wow, i know freekee things happ whenev cousin fiona's involved in thingz. hope no1 got hurt!!!

shannon, i'm glad u got 2 b staff!

apes
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I read your writings about your band and your nimishoo (uncle) getting ready for your performance. Your sister told me a lot about your last minute preparation with costumes and backgrounds and new band equipment. It sounded very exciting. I wish I could have been there to cheer you on. In mind I was cheering you on, even as my partner and I were investigating a homicide here in Otter County.

The murderer ended up being a neighbour of the woman who was killed. I was trying to counsel her after we had put her in jail, but I do not know if I was getting through to her or not. She said, “I used to put up Halloween decorations every year with my neighbour for the annual Halloween home-decorating contest. We had a good time with it, but last year she said she wanted to decorate her own house and not mine too. Well, I was hurt. I told her we could never be true friends again. Years of friendship thrown away. We had spent almost all our lives growing up together in our neighbourhood, and it meant nothing to her. Some people just don’t understand the importance of things. Well, last year she won the Halloween home decoration contest, which really stung. When we decorated together, we never won, but we had fun decorating, and that’s what counts. But what really got me angry was our favourite magazine Halloween Home Decorating and Gardening did a cover article on her house. She couldn’t stop talking about it. Then this year, during the Halloween home decoration contest, she made a big deal about how when people passed by my house, it was like an opening act for her house. That was all I could take. I had to kill her. Don’t you see?” I said, “Didn’t you have something in common with your neighbour to bond over, other than Halloween decorations? Didn’t you go to the same school together and live in the same neighbourhood together for all your lives? Surely there must been something else you could have done without resorting to murder?” The prisoner said, “Constable. You sound like a good man, but you don’t understand. There’s nothing more important than Halloween home-decorating.” It is a very sad case to see someone throw away years of friendship for something so small. You should be glad you do not have those kinds of problems in your life.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous said…

Here is more of my novel while the kids are in gym class.
---

Chapter 12
When we last saw Lilibet she was in Albany’s minivan yelling about how she wouldn’t be a homewrecker, even though Albany had said he just wanted “to be a part of her life” which could mean just being a friend, Lilibet was wise enough to know by then that no man just wants to be friends with Lilibet Latterson, even if he is gay, he will still want to be more than that, like, to be really important to her, there is a comparison that Lilibet knows fits here but she just can’t quite remember what it is, so anyway, Lilibet immediately told Albany that she would not wreck his home, he would have to finish the wrecking himself before she could have anything to do with him.

Anyhow, suddenly Albany veered his minivan off to the side of the road and came to a screeching halt next to a park, and he said, “Let’s get out and walk and talk,” and Lilibet said sure, and why not, there is nothing safer than walking alone in a park with a man, remember, bad people are easy to spot because they are ugly and have bad teeth, and also, nobody likes them, so Lilibet and Albany went walking and of course Lilibet used this chance to put her hair back up in a bun, she didn’t want Albany to get the wrong idea about her intentions, anyway, Albany started telling Lilibet about how Kareze didn’t love him, and Lilibet said, “How can you say that?” mainly because it sounded backwards to her, as long as Lilibet had known Kareze was in Albany’s life it seemed like Kareze loved Albany and was wildly jealous of him but Albany didn’t really like Kareze at all, anyhow, Albany explained that Kareze loved him until she started to have a lot of success at her career and suddenly she was having more fun there then at home with Albany, Albany said, “I tried everything, like I got her to have a baby by saying I couldn’t love her if she didn’t, I was sure that would fix things right up and keep her at home, but no, she can’t find the love in her cold dark heart even for little Nicoise,” and Lilibet said, “What, she didn’t want a baby?” and Albany said, “No, she doesn’t like kids,” and Lilibet said, “That’s horrible, to marry you without telling you she won’t give you a baby,” and Albany said, “Oh, she told me before, I just knew I could convince her, everybody wants kids, even if they don’t realize it right away,” and Lilibet agreed that the world can always use one more baby, especially a baby that is as pretty and un-Frenchlike as Nicoise.

Anyway then Lilibet asked Albany if he had ever tried to talk to Kareze about this problem and Albany said, “Yes, but Kareze just kept saying something about our agreement about her working and me being a stay at home dad, as if I would agree to something so backwards and crazy, so then I went to a counselor on my own, and my counselor agreed that if Kareze couldn’t understand the hidden meaning behind our agreement that she would turn into a stay-at-home mom who loves kids, then our marriage is probably not going to work,” and Lilibet realized it was time, time to say just the right thing, the thing that would make Albany realize he had a shot with her without violating her old-fashioned morals that kept her from pursuing a married man, even if that man is your childhood sweetheart, there are some allowances like you can ruin his wedding day and flirt with him at parties in front of his pregnant wife, but you can’t actually say, “Divorce your wife and we can be together forever,” so Lilibet just said, “Albany…you know I care for you very much, but…what can I say?”

Well that had just the effect that Lilibet wanted, Albany grabbed her forcefully by the shoulders, in a not un-Broward-like way, except that a childhood sweetheart has the right to do stuff like that, anyway, Albany grabbed Lilibet very dramatically and said, “Say that you’ll wait for me! Promise me you’ll wait!” and of course Lilibet almost swooned from the pure romance of the moment but this was not the time to be all emotional, Lilibet knew she had to do just the right thing, the thing that would allow her to stay morally superior to everyone else in Lilborough, she thought about it a long time and chose her words carefully, and finally she said very eloquently, “I don’t know. I’m confused. Let me think.” Well of course that was just the ticket and Albany was encouraged without actually getting some encouragement, so then Lilibet told him to take her home.

When she got home the phone was ringing off the hook, Lilibet answered it and it was her gay landscaping boss Torrence, and he was very upset, he kept yelling into the phone something about how when an employee is “assaulted” at work the police have to be called so the event can get recorded properly which is especially important for let’s say if Lilibet maybe wanted to sue Torrence for hiring someone who later tried to “rape” Lilibet in their place of business, this could be a huge financial problem, what would their insurance carrier say, and even though Lilibet is a family friend, he can’t believe she didn’t call the police for her own sake, and why did she let her “boyfriend” let Broward go, didn’t she have more sense then that? Lilibet tried to clear up the misunderstanding she explained that Broward was just overcome by her Latterson allure and he couldn’t help himself, but Lilibet understood and didn’t want anything bad to happen to him, besides they might have a future together if nobody else worked out as a husband possibility. Well then Torrence let out this huge sigh and she could hear him talking to Mick in the background and finally Mick got on the phone and said, “Look missy, I know your family has invested a few bucks in this business but that does not make you above the rules for our employees, if you don’t go file charges against Broward with the police, I am firing you, even if it means giving your parents that $100 back with interest!”, well of course Lilibet was very offended, but then again Mick and Torrence are gay and don’t understand how heterosexual relations go in Liliborough, so she said she would call the police, but of course she didn’t right away, she went and put her mother’s casserole in the oven first, then went and got the phone book out and started to look for the number for the police, but unfortunately Lilibet is a slow reader, and she got so busy on this job that she forgot the casserole and it got kind of burnt on the butt end.

Lilibet was so upset that when her mother came home, she accidentally blurted out about how Broward tried to “marry her” at work and how Albany wanted to marry her and how great it is that there is gay marriage in Canada now because Torrence and Mick are perfect for each other, they are both jerks, and when Lilibet’s mother Kelly heard about the language they used on her poor sweet innocent daughter, Kelly flew back in her chair and sat there in a daze for a long time with her glasses all knocked askew, but fortunately for Mick and Torrence, Kelly was too stunned to tell her husband Sean about what happened, and of course Lilibet would not make the mistake of blabbing her personal stuff again, and anyway, by then she was upstairs snuggling her kitty Friend and wondering how come love is so complicated. Lilibet is just deep like that.
At 2:05 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

By the way, I have an idea for a sequel, I already have the title, it's "The Tawdry Tales of Tapril Tatterson, Town Tart," isn't that great?, also, what are the names of all the boys in your band, I am making a list of characters and gosh, you sure know a lot more boys than I did at your age.

Liz
At 2:08 PM, Anonymous said…

yo paul, i sumtimez think u r kind of a drip, but u totally know what ur talking abt on this 1. an' listen, i know u r involved in sumthing hot an' steamy w/ a certain gal up north, but if u ever get tired of "going down the pow-wow trail" w/ her, totally give me a call.

becks
At 2:11 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Little sis. I completely understand what you are saying, when you say you were not interesting in humiliating your former best friend and that you don’t believe the music for fun and that all those things you got dad to buy at the last minute were just things you needed for the band. Denial is an excellent tactic and not just a river in South America.

I say the same thing to my downstairs neighbours whenever they mention my article on downstairs neighbours that was published in my weekly column last year. I tell them it is just a coincidence my article on downstairs neighbours resembles them a little. I know exactly what you saying.

Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:19 PM, Anonymous said…

Ms. McGuire,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I read your writings about me involved in something hot and steamy with a girl up north. I do not know how you seem to know me so well. My people, the Ojibway, like fried foods, but I must admit I have a love for steamed vegetables. I find if I eat them, it helps me stay fit for my Ontario Provincial Police duty. If you are ever in Otter County, I will be glad to steam some up for you. I could never convince Elizabeth to eat them, because she prefers Kraft dinners, but I know I will win her over when we are together after I get my transfer to the South.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:37 PM, Anonymous said…

Elizabeth,

Slightly older little sis. You are quite right, I don’t understand you. However, I am pleased to say that since you have moved back to Milborough, that task is becoming easier and easier. No longer do I have to wonder, “Why is the Lizardbreath up in the Northwest, when she should be married and making babies here in Milborough?" I can see you are the right path to finally achieving those goals.

However, taking money from mom is just asking for trouble. It robs you of any self-respect you thought you might have had. When mom has friends over and I am there, she makes it a point of pointing out that cancelled check from when I paid her back in 2003. Didn’t you notice her doing the same for you when Uncle Phil was over? Or have you been hiding up at the landing at the top of the stairs with April, watching Uncle Phil in secret, like one of the children characters out of The Sound of Music?

Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:27 PM, Anonymous said…

I gave the kids a extra recess, here's more story for you.

BTW Mike, I know Mom points out your check to people, she showed it to Uncle Phil at the same time she showed him all the uncashed checks I give her for "rent," it's great, and yes, April and I mostly just peer at Uncle Phil from upstairs, after all he is kind of strange and scary, what with those whiskers and not seeing him in years.

---

Chapter 13

Naturally Lilibet did not want to cause problems for Torrence and Mick because she is just that kind of girl, so she went to the police station and said, “Hi, my boss says I hafta file some charges, where do I do that?” and of course that jerk Mick had called up and told the police everything but they asked her what Broward did and Lilibet explained that he broke the rule about “getting fresh” with her before engagement, anyway the police were confused and said they heard from Torrence and Mick that Broward had tried to rape her and Lilibet said, “Don’t be silly, that doesn’t happen to a Latterson, bad things don’t really happen to us, there was no chance that would ever happen,” but of course the police had to make a big stink about how it was a crime made Lilibet make a tape talking about what happened, and of course they wouldn’t even let her tell it the right way, when she tried to give them the proper backstory about her history with Albany the police kept telling her to focus on talking about Broward, and Lilibet said there was no way to understand what happened if they don’t get that Albany is her childhood sweetheart, but the police said they would understand it just fine if they “stuck to the facts at hand” and then Lilibet was really confused because usually people don’t want stuff stuck to their hand, sometimes at school kids misuse their glue sticks and get bits of paper and stuff stuck on there, and they usually cry, and of course the jerky police didn’t want to hear Lilibet’s stories about good teaching skills. Finally though Officer Lug Bradsworth was called in because he knows the Latterson family very well having gone to school with Lilibet’s ugly brother Pike and Lug explained to Lilibet what she had to say and why and stuff, basically because judges can be stupid, we have to tell the story a certain way, anyhow then Lilibet understood and made a tape, it was no fun.

Then Lug suggested Lilibet get a counselor and Lilibet said, “That is for crazy people, and people with bad wives,” but Lug insisted she should talk to someone for having a traumatic event happen to her and Lilibet said, “If this is about the R word again, I am going to scream,” and Lug said, “No, this is because Broward tried to marry you without getting your dad’s permission,” and when he put it like that it made so much sense, yes, that was kind of troubling, so Lilibet went to this counselor, and of course the counselor wanted to have lots of sessions but Lilibet could tell she was just trying to charge her lots of money or something so Lilibet said, “I’m fine, thanks for your concern, I think we can agree the best thing for me is to go back up to my little native town and not talk about this any more,” and so the therapy was over, besides, Lilibet is a Latterson and she knows it is best to deal with those things in your own way.

Anyway, then the police called up and said that after I filed those charges then some other girls came in and said they wanted to file some charges too, and then I found out the horrible truth, that Broward was just like Vane, he likes to play around, so now I knew he deserved whatever he gets from this because he is a cheater, and Lilibet even called the police and asked if she could have Vane arrested for that stuff he did with Hora, she informed them about his crime spree on temp workers at his marketing job in Ottawa but the police didn’t care about that, they rolled their eyes at Lilibet and wouldn’t do their job, so Lilibet called Lug to ask him to make the charges file or whatever, and Lug told her Ottawa was out of their jurisdiction, and Lilibet was just like, “Why didn’t they just say so?” and she asked Lug for the phone number for the Ottawa police, but Lug said he would handle it, Lug is a really great guy now, with some kids, so Lilibet knew she could trust him to do the right thing.

Then it was time for Lilibet to go back up to the native town, she had to teach some more, one more year and still no husband, she could tell people were feeling sorry for her about it too because they kept asking her how she was doing, how she was holding up, if she was having nightmares, and that kind of stuff, which was nice of them but none of their business, besides the truth was, she was having some nightmares, in them Albany got divorced but because Lilibet was up north on her teaching contract he just went and got a mail-order bride from Russia, and when Lilibet told this dream to her friend Sluttice, who told her she needed “major therapy,” and Lilibet said that was why she was calling, since Sluttice is going to be a major therapy person, after all, her dad Sean took her aside the day she left and gave her a phone card and said, “This is massively prepaid, use it to call whoever you need to talk to about this terrible thing that has happened to you,” and sure enough, her dad had put a whole $10 on the card!, he is the best guy and you know, Albany is just like him.

Anyway the other thing that helped was that Lilibet’s mother Kelly drove her back up north and when they got there it was something called “pow-wow time,” which is a funny name but it’s really something the natives do, and it was great having her mom there because Kelly turned it from an event full of pretty but kind of boring native activities into lots of funny puns and jokes about native life, it was amazing, anyway, then Lilibet’s mom left and it was time to really get busy teaching native kids important information they will need for life, like pressing leaves and looking at the stars.
At 6:11 PM, April Patterson said…

liz, if u r writing a totally fictional novel abt "lapril latterson", then u don't need 2 know the names of my friends. it's not like "lapril's" friends' names hafta, like, rhyme w/my friends' names or nething like that. being all fictional an' everything.

jeremy, thanx 4 the compliment abt my hair. i'd totally like 2 wear it this way like all the time, but i'm scared the rebunning curse will return. :(

apes
At 6:35 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

You don't even read what I wrote, it's about Tapril Tatterson, who is totally different from Lapril Latterson, and anyway you just don't get me even after all this time, can't you see that I take my inspiration from real life people I know but then write something that could totally have been true about them but there is no proof that it actually was, I am having all kinds of inspirations thinking about the powerful Tatterson allure in young Tapril and how it explains why all these boys are drawn to her like Teremy and Terald and Tuncan and Tuis, ha ha, I got Mom to tell me the names of your band friends, hee hee, now I am going to go write something fictional about how heartbreaking it is to be soulmates with a boy who had a girlfriend who is sexier than you and at the same time having an insensitive boyfriend who is probably going to run off with your ex best friend Tebecca, leaving you all alone and having to be with either the prematurely old Teremy or the personality free Tuis, and to have your parents say that even if you and Tuncan were free you couldn't marry him because he's a illegal immigrant or a sleepy cell terrorist or something, I want to make it relevant to the times.

Liz
At 6:58 PM, April Patterson said…

wha, u just sed this wdn't b abt me, then u're all "who is sexier than you", "run off with your ex best friend Tebecca, leaving you all alone", an' "have your parents say that even if you and Tuncan were free you couldn't marry him". u r totally contradicting yrself. btw, i still have a lawyer fr. when mike was planning 2 write his libelous stuff abt me. i'm not afraid 2 use his svcs again if yr "tapril tatterson" turns out 2 me libel abt me, 2.

apes
At 9:01 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

You are still not listening, Tapril is based on you in some ways, so in some ways you are Tapril, but only part, so when I say "you" of course I mean the part of you that is Tapril that will have to go through the totally fiction things she will have to go through in the book, but the fiction parts are just that, they're fiction, haven't you ever heard of the semibiofictography?

I thought you and your friends would really like to be able to read one of my books and say, "Look, that's based on me!" like where Terald leaves Tapril for Tebecca and catches clitoria from her and it leaves them not able to have babies, or when the brainwashing the Barbados government put in Tuncan when he was a little baby kicks in and he tries to kill the prime minister but then at the last second Teva arrests him and it turns out that she's a undercover detective assigned to watch him, then you will be sorry that you told me not to say any of this is a little bit based on your friends because let me tell you something, Tapril is not shy about being published, not like Lilibet.

Liz

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If U can't B good U mite as well B fun

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