Secret Weapon
Yesterday after school, Liz an' I were on the staircase, in identical poses as we listened 2 Unk Phil practicing his trumpet, all "TATTICA-TATTICA-TATTICA TAAAAAA". Liz was like, 'I like listening 2 Uncle Phil practice. And I was all, "Me 2." I was also a bit psyched cuz even tho Liz had her hair up in a bun, mine was down, an' it's gotten pretty long, like almost 2 the middle of my back. I cdn't believe it hadn't rebunned, even tho I wasn't getting ready 2 go 2 bed or shower.
NEway, when U. Phil was cleaning his mouthpiece, I went up w/1 of my typical Apes-style questions, all "Uncle Phil, Y is a trumpet shaped like this?" He sed, "It's just a long piece of tubing, April. Bending it just makes it easier 2 handle! In fact, w/a mouthpiece and a bell, U can play NE piece of tubing." I was like, "No way!" So of course he wanted 2 demo by getting a hose, sticking a bell on one end an' his mouthpiece on the other: "B-hold, the flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium." Even tho I cdn't C myself, I cd feel myself getting this freekee look on my face, all speedfreak eyez an' muppet mouth, prolly w/sum motion lines off the left side of my head. Then while Unk Phil was playing the "hose-a-phonium", all "BWEAAAPPATATAPATA TWAARRRBORPPPP", I called Ger, saying "Gerald! Call the guyz in the band! --We've got a secret weapon!!"
I'll prolly tell U more abt this, but I don't think that'll B till Monday. I feel one of those typical diff-topic Sundays coming on.
Apes
NEway, when U. Phil was cleaning his mouthpiece, I went up w/1 of my typical Apes-style questions, all "Uncle Phil, Y is a trumpet shaped like this?" He sed, "It's just a long piece of tubing, April. Bending it just makes it easier 2 handle! In fact, w/a mouthpiece and a bell, U can play NE piece of tubing." I was like, "No way!" So of course he wanted 2 demo by getting a hose, sticking a bell on one end an' his mouthpiece on the other: "B-hold, the flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium." Even tho I cdn't C myself, I cd feel myself getting this freekee look on my face, all speedfreak eyez an' muppet mouth, prolly w/sum motion lines off the left side of my head. Then while Unk Phil was playing the "hose-a-phonium", all "BWEAAAPPATATAPATA TWAARRRBORPPPP", I called Ger, saying "Gerald! Call the guyz in the band! --We've got a secret weapon!!"
I'll prolly tell U more abt this, but I don't think that'll B till Monday. I feel one of those typical diff-topic Sundays coming on.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:27 AM
5 Comments:
At 6:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, my 'rents r getting ready 2 go 2 a lame costume party 4 halloween. their costumes r, um, disturbing. i'll tell u more 2morrow.
apes
At 6:30 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, Im glad u finally spoke 2 yr uncle. The beerbongonium is a gr8 idea no1 will hear r lameass lyrics ovah the noise it will make.
L8r. Zed & I r w8ing 4 Wilco & Arne 2 pick us up. Arne has a mission 4 us. I hope the mission has nuthing 2 do w/ Niagara Falls or The Three Kronen.
At 6:38 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
Yr 'rents just came in2 Horny Ts in those costumes. Yr dads dancing while yr moms scarfing up a family pack of Timballs. Zed has told me 2 stay down so they dont c us.
U have my sympathy. I remembah how I felt aft my mom got on stage @ skool w/ the condom & the plaintain.
Oh, man. Yr dad just got up on a table & hes rilly getting in2 swinging his hips. MayB u shld stay in 2morrow.
L8r.
At 8:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your conversation with your nimishoo (uncle) about his invention, the flexible, valveless, hose-a-phonium and how you planned to use it as a secret weapon for your band for the songs your band is playing for the school's Halloween party. I got very confused. Since you wrote your sister was there, I had her explain it to me.
She said, “Paul. Becky McGuire was April’s closest female friend and a member of her band until last year at her Grade 8 grad, when Becky decided to perform a graduation song she wrote by herself in front of the whole graduating class.” I said, “That is a great honour to be asked to do that. April must have been very proud of her friend.” Your sister said, “No, she shouldn’t. Because she should have invited her whole band to be on the stage with her, and she didn’t because she said April’s band wasn’t good enough for her.” I said, “Ouch. That had to hurt.” Your sister said, “Then Becky’s musical career has taken off. She does commercials, national tours, and recorded 2 albums, and at every chance she tells April how successful she has been.” I said, “Becky is showing off her success to April, eh?” Your sister said, “Right. At this school concert, both Becky’s band and April’s band are playing and April really wants to outshine Becky’s band.” I said, “I understand. That will be difficult if Becky’s band has done tours, and concerts, and professional recordings. They must be very good.” Your sister said, “Exactly. But now April has a secret weapon—Uncle Phil’s flexible, valveless, hose-a-phonium. With that, April’s band can easily beat Becky’s band.” I said, “Then when April’s band outshines Becky’s band, Becky will know that she should have stayed with her old band for doing all the concerts, and tours, and recordings; and not gone out on her own.” My sweet girl said, “You were doing so well until that last one, Paul. No, April doesn’t want to do concerts, and tours, and recordings. She wants to show Becky that music has to be fun. That's why it was invented. It doesn't matter if you're incredibly good or not. What matters is the fun and without the fun, you will be missing the most important part of life: friendship. The flexible, valveless hose-a-phonium sounds awful----awfully fun that is. That’s why it is a secret weapon. Who wants to hear well-rehearsed professional music, when they can hear fun music?” I said, “Now I understand. Fun music is better than good music.” Your sister said, “Exactly. I think you are starting to understand how things are in the South.” That was nice to hear from your sister, since I was beginning to wonder.
Just to let you know, I am on your side. I hope you win your contest. I would suggest some musical instruments from the Ojibway musical background, but Ojibway music is a sung tradition, accompanied almost exclusively by percussive instruments- rattles, drums, rasps, clappers, and the like and done to accompany dancing. Because I like to dance in the men’s traditional dances at pow-wow, I think Ojibway music is fun, but I don’t know if it is fun in the same way my sweet girl thinks of it, because I also think it sounds good.
I am looking forward to your story tomorrow about your noos (father's) and ngashi (mother’s) costumes. I think I will learn a lot about your family with that story.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I must say that your inclusion of Uncle Phil in your band was masterfully done. There is nothing that will get the sympathy and help of an older member of our family than pretending you are stupid and asking a lot of obvious questions. You were pretending, weren't you? In any case, Uncle Phil's flexible, valveless pantyhose-a-phonium should be the hit of your high school concert. I am sure that the little teenagers listening to the concert will stop whatever it was that they were doing (Dancing? Doing drugs? Armed robbery? Who knows with the young people today?), and listen with rapturous attention. After all, Uncle Phil is a professional musician and he cannot help but to command attention. Then you will have taught Becky McGuire a well-deserved lesson and hopefully you can go on to do things in your life not having any thing to do with Becky McGuire.
It is a glorious feeling to finally get your revenge on your enemies, and let me tell you, little sis, there may be some extra benefits that come your way for doing so. When I masterfully parodied my downstairs neighbours in my weekly column titled "Knock on Wood", I got a couple of new projects because of it and I got to edit a movie script. When my former boss Mitch Frenum fired me for refusing to retract my expose on the fashion designer Divala, I ended up getting his job. Trust me when I say, "When you take down Becky McGuire, good things will be coming your way."
I also noticed, little sis, what you wrote you said to your boyfriend about passing on the secret weapon news. You said to pass the news to the guys in your band. Is the new girl in your band a little budding, belligerent Becky? Is there a little feminine rival that you must put in her place? Is next years' school concert going to be when you publically humiliate this new girl when she starts her own band? Can I have the rights to the novelization of the events? Just a little thing I noticed is all.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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