2 Good?
So, more abt Gym Jam. We were singing, "The crypt is opening wider and a ghoul is coming out, he's carrying an instrument, he's waving it abt..." As we sung that bit I did a scared look on my face an' turned my face 2 watch as Unk Phil in the ghost costume came outta the coffin w/the hose-a-phonium. Then we sang,"What's that souuundd... It's all arounddd... it's the ultrasonic hose-a-phonic thingggggggg" and Unk Phil played "BAWAAAAAAHH". Then we were all, "Hear it swinngggg" and he played "BWEEEAPPAFRAZZZAWAPPAZZZAPAPKATAWAKATA WAAAAHZZZ". The kidz in the audience were laffin' like they'd never heard NEthing funnier in their entire lives.
Later, I heard that while Becky was w8ing backstage 4 her entrance, she was kinda scowly, an' one of her band guyz was all, "What's wrong, Rebecca(h)?" And Becks was all "They're too good."
Liz, I guess U R gonna do what U want w/yr "Tapril Tatterson" book. I'll stay in touch w/my lawyer.
Apes
Later, I heard that while Becky was w8ing backstage 4 her entrance, she was kinda scowly, an' one of her band guyz was all, "What's wrong, Rebecca(h)?" And Becks was all "They're too good."
Liz, I guess U R gonna do what U want w/yr "Tapril Tatterson" book. I'll stay in touch w/my lawyer.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:04 AM
7 Comments:
At 9:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I loved your song about the ghoul at the Gym Jam. When I saw him come out of the coffin, you looked really scared, so I was scared too. My parents don’t like me to watch scary movies, but I have seen some. One thing I noticed was that the crazy people in scary movies don’t like teenaged girls very much. When the ghoul came out of the coffin, I thought he was after you. Then I remembered that the rule is the virgin girls always live in the scary movies, so I knew you were safe. The ghoul was after Eva, so I felt better.
Then I saw the ghoul was carrying something. I thought at first he was drinking a beer, like my brother Blair does sometimes when he has his friends over and my parents aren’t around. I thought this was not good. April doesn’t drink beer. If the ghoul tried to get April to drink beer, she wouldn’t do it. She’s too nice. Plus she’s singing a song.
Then the ghoul started to make trumpet noises with the beer thing, and that was so funny. I laughed really a lot. Sometimes I laugh a lot and then when I am done I see people are looking at me. Then I see I was the only one laughing and I get really embarrassed. But not this time. Everyone thought the ghoul playing the beer thing was funny. It made me feel good. Your band made me laugh and I wasn’t the only one. I really liked the ghoul guy. He was really good.
That beer thing sounded just like a real trumpet player. I think I laughed because I thought it was going to sound like someone drinking a beer, and then trumpet sounds came out. Sometimes you laugh when you think something is going to be one way and then it is not. I think that’s why I laughed. I thought your band was playing a Halloween song, and it turned out to be a ghoul playing a beer thing instead. I think that is why everyone else laughed too.
Of course, Becky was there, so you know I was ready to comfort you, even though I was laughing.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Uncle Phil read something I wrote to you yesterday and he wanted me to amend it. Apparently his costume was not just a sheet with holes cut in it. He wanted to make sure everyone knew that he had an outfit dad had purchased which had sleeves and a special nose piece which changed from solid black to white, depending on how he was breathing and your angle of looking at the costume. He said it was a very expensive ghoul costume. Dad spared no expense in his effort to help you make Becky McGuire look bad.
I cannot say that I am surprised you are reporting that slattern Becky was enraged with jealousy over Uncle Phil’s performance. Uncle Phil reported she was wearing a top which barely covered her female assets and it was fairly obvious that Becky McGuire fell into the category of teenage girl pop musicians whose music-making success was directly related to how much skin she was willing to display in public. In other words, more eye candy than musician. When confronted with true musical talent like Uncle Phil, even playing a hose-a-phone, she would realize that she was being outclassed.
Uncle Phil is a good lesson for you. When you are a member of our family and you are professional in your field, then there is nothing you can’t do well. If you’re a professional writer like me, you can write things most people would consider too far a field from your experience and still receive acclaim and accolades. If you’re a professional musician, like Uncle Phil, you can play a hose-a-phone and outshine a teenage girl pop music band with touring experience and 2 recorded CDs. If you’re a professional dentist, like dad, you can…I am going to have to think about this one.
Anyway, when you are in veterinary school, wondering how you are going to possibly finish it, remember this time with Uncle Phil humiliating Becky McGuire for you, and you can think to yourself, “If Becky McGuire were a veterinarian, I would beat her” or “After I am a professional veterinarian, there is nothing involving animals I can’t do.” Your concert should be a great moment in your life to lift you in times to come. There is nothing like winning over an opponent, particularly when someone (preferably an older family member, although an older ethnic woman counts too) helps you win.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, i m always on u cuz of ur nasty 'tude toward me when music is involved. but the nite of the gym/jam, i got a raging case of the jellies when i herd u play. i know i prolly did/sed stuff i m not proud of. i guess we can talk more abt it when u tell the rest of the story, but i'm sorry.
becks
ps--i think u will agree tho that a opening act should not try 2 upstage the kind person who asked them 2 open 4 her, rite?
At 1:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your band and your nimishoo (uncle) playing his hose-a-phone. From what you wrote, it sounds like your audience liked it and your rival thought you were good. You must be very happy to be a success. I think your sister told me you were supposed to play 2 songs. I hope your audience liked your second song too. Did your nimishoo (uncle) play in that one too? I asked your sister and she didn’t know. She was too busy writing a new novel of hers about a character named Tapril to talk long. I asked her if she was still writing her excellent material about her Lilibet character, and she said she wasn’t sure because she said if I read the next part of the Lilibet story I might figure out how the story is going to end, and she wants the ending to be a surprise.
I know sometimes adults like to step in and help young people do things. Among my people, the Ojibway, we try to let children do things for themselves so they can learn and have the experience. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope your nimishoo (uncle) let you play your second number by yourself.
When I mentioned this to your sister, she seemed a little surprised. She said, “Paul. Letting old people into your life to help is a family tradition for me. If I am not living at home, I need to live in a place where someone older, preferably an older, ethnic woman, can help me to do things I couldn’t do by myself. For example, back in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I would have never learned how to handle Shiimsa, my cat, if Vivian Crane hadn’t been there and come over to my house every time she heard me yelling at Shiimsa.” I said, “When are living together, you want to live near an older ethnic woman?” My sweet girl said, “No. Now that I am back, I don’t plan to leave Milborough again, and if I am in Milborough, then I have my ngashi (mom), and I wouldn’t need an older ethnic woman.” I said, “If we lived in White River, my ngashi (mother) could be like your older, ethnic woman. She could tell us about Ojibway traditions and use her native humour to give us daily life lessons.” Your sister said, “But White River is not in Milborough.” I could not argue with that logic.
I mentioned Vivian Crane to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, since Chipper lives in the teacherage where my sweet girl lived last year. Chipper said, “Suds (her nickname for me), Vivian Crane is a sweetheart. It took me a little time to convince her I wasn’t a threat to her marriage. Her ninaabem (husband), Gary would take some of the teachers who have been here before me out alone to teach them about fishing, except they would come back with no fish, and the teacher would come back talking about Gary giving her a new philosophy on teaching. None of these teachers stayed around Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) very long. When Gary asked me to do the same thing, I asked Vivian to come along with us. I caught 5 fish, Vivian got 3 fish, and Gary kept snagging his hook on trees. Vivian and I have been close since then, and Gary doesn’t pop his head in and interrupt my classes as much as he used to.”
I said, “Would you think of Vivian as being like an older, ethnic woman who would help you do things you don’t know how to do?” Chipper said, “Suds. Some of the questions you ask me. Gary and Vivian are both only 13 years out of university. They lived in the South for 8 years after graduation and moved to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) 5 years ago to help out with Gary’s ngashi (mother) who lives here. Vivian is not that much older than I am. She’s more like an older sister to me. Plus she is one of the only women in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) with a university education. We can talk about anything, although she has asked me not to have any discussions about string theory.”
Talking with Chipper got me confused. When I get my transfer, I don’t know if I can think of your ngashi (mother) as an older ethnic woman who will help me with things I don’t know how to do. It sounds like you didn’t have a problem taking help from your nimishoo (uncle). Maybe I can get used to it.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:04 PM,
howard said…
April,
I suppose you are wondering what happened with Becky adding Fiona Brass to her band in order to compete with your uncle-assisted band. The day of the Gym Jam, Fiona showed up in a full witch’s outfit---tattered black clothing and carrying her cat, Belmont III, and a broom. I said, “It’s 5 in the morning. What are you doing here, Fiona?” Fiona said, “I couldn’t sleep. I have been up all night worrying about my performance.” I said, “What performance? Becky sings a song about a witch and you come out, and you and Belmont III play the kazoo.” Fiona said, “That’s what’s wrong. Belmont III is too good.” I said, “What?” Fiona said, “The cat can really play kazoo. He will show me up.” I said, “It’s a kazoo. How can a cat play a kazoo better than a human, who has lips and can hum?” Fiona said, “This from a man who used to be a dog. You should know better.” I had to admit she had a point.
Then Belmont III whipped out the kazoo and started playing. I had to admit he was fantastic for a cat, and pretty good for a human too. Well, the noise woke up Becky and she said, “Damn it, Howie. I have to play today. What are waking me up for?” Then Jalexis said, “I agree with Becky 100%.” This of course was Jalexis Raye Boel, Becky’s houseguest, while her father is drying out in rehab. Becky said, “Damn it, Jalexis. How many times do I have to tell you to stop sneaking in here after…Hey! That cat is good. He can really swing that kazoo.” I said, “He’s a really hep cat.” Jalexis said, “Blow those grooving sounds, little kitty.” Belmont III stopped playing the kazoo and meowed out what sounded like a thank you. Then disaster struck.
Becky’s giant dog Freyfaxi burst through the door of Becky’s bungalow bedroom and was followed closely by her 2 guard dogs, Zeus and Apollo. They were barking and growling and headed right for Belmont III. Belmont III went clambering under Becky’s bed. In response, Freyfaxi upturned the bed with me, Becky, and Jalexis on it and headed straight for Belmont III with his massive jaws looking as though he would swallow Belmont III with one bite. He would have eaten Belmont III, if it weren’t for a broom which swept towards Freyfaxi’s head and knocked him completely to the ground. Freyfaxi whimpered at the sight of Fiona Brass, blazing with anger and electricity. She stepped in between the 3 dogs and Belmont III. She scooped up Belmont III, glared at Becky, Jalexis, and me pinned underneath the overturned bed, and said, “Belmont III and I do not perform with people who own cat-eating monster dogs.” Then she left with the dogs still cowering in the corner. She was pretty scary. I would have been cowering in a corner too, except I was trapped underneath an overturned bed.
Becky said, “There goes our secret weapon.” Jalexis said, “I could perform with you.” Becky said, “Are you related to a Patterson in any way?” Jalexis shook her head no. Becky said, “Then it would be no good. I don’t need someone with talent in my band. I already have that. What I need is someone related to a Patterson.” I pulled the bed off of us and Becky said what she has said pretty much every morning Jalexis has been here, “Put on some clothes, you skanky whore!!”
That’s how our morning went, the day of the Gym Jam. Becky may tell you more of the events leading up to the Gym Jam, if she wants.
Howard Bunt
At 2:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i remembah c-ing ur uncle phil come out in his ghost or ghoul or wutevah it wuz costume. u hadda good reaction frum the crowd. ‘course az a sound guy & rebeccah’z roadie, i wuz not lookin’ 4ward 2 pulling all ur stuff off the stage 2 set up rebeccah. she wuz walkin’ ‘round the side of the stage drivin’ peeps crayzee. so i stepped out n2 the crowd 2 hear u perform. i found zandra larson standin’ n her “costume.” i sed, “u know. if ur alreddy goth, wearin’ goth iz not rilly a costume.” zandra sed, “it is if u wear a uni 2 skool every day.” i sed, “good point.”
zandra sed, “jeremy. ur a sound guy. y duz this band have only 1 microphone 4 the lead singer, when all of them r singin’? duncan shud have a mic.” i sed, “zandra u rilly don’t wanna know.” zandra sed, “now i do.” i sed, “wen i saw the mic setup, i sed 2 eva, ‘i have sum more mics, u can borrow 4 the rest of the band, if u want.’ then b4 eva cud say nethin’, rebeccah came ovah & sed, ‘jeremy. wut ru doin’?’ i sed, “offerin’ sum of our xxtra mics 2 eva so peeps can hear the rest of her band sing.’ rebeccah sed, ‘thass an xxcellent idea. i think gerald, duncan, & april shud all have their own mics. especially gerald.’ i sed, ‘ok. i’ll start settin’ it up.’ but then eva sed, ‘no way, jeremy. i’m the lead singer. i’m the only 1 w/a mic.’ i sed ok.” zandra sed, “y did eva do that?” i sed, “either she wants 2b the only 1 singin’, or she knows that gerald can’t sing.”
then zandra sed, “who’s idea iz it that the band shud wear thoze leftover costumes frum george clinton & parliament funkadelic?” i sed, “i dunno, but eva looks rilly good.” zandra sed, “2 good.” i sed, “don’t worry. rebeccah will b showin’ more flesh than that, wen she goes on.” zandra sed, “thass not my worry.” & then u guyz finished up, so i hadda go 2 work.
At 8:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, after all the stuff i've sed when i've had my cases of the jellies, i really can't complain, eh? i rilly don't think we showed u up, we just did sumthing totally diff. we went 4 laffs, u totally went 4 quality.
shannon, i'm glad u liked our comedy-music.
paul, i'll b tellin' more abt this story 2morrow morning. u're rite, i didn't have a prob taking help fr. uncle phil, but i also like 2 work stuff out 4 myself. it depends on the sitch, i guess.
howard, i'm not surprised fiona reacted that way after her cat almost got eaten. she really h8s when her cats get almost eaten.
jeremy, yeah, i don't know y i bother singing if i'm not mic'ed. that's kinda lame.
apes
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