Totally
After all that stuff went wrong 4 Becky's set @ the Jam, Becky went running off the stage, and I was following after her, all "Becky? Becky! W8!!" She was all, "Leave me alone!" While Eva and I were following Becky in2 the washroom 2 make sure she was OK, Unk Phil was asking Ger "What's the story?" Ger told him, "2 of the guyz in her band R stoned, an' Jeremy never showed up 2 do the audio!" Inside the girls' room, Becky locked herself in2 a stall and was all, "That was totally the worst performance I've ever dun! An' it was totally in front of every1 I know!!! I am totally humili8ed! I am totally destroyed. I feel like I cd totally DIE!" I shda been trying 2 comfort her, an' I wonder if standing there all barefoot (Y was I barefoot?!?) did sumthing bad 2 my brain, but 4 sum icky reason, I whispered 2 Eva, "Do U think she'z being 2 dramatic?" And Eva was all "Totally." C what she did there w/the "totally"? Really, I wish I'd asked Eva 2 stay out in the hall, cuz I know she an' Becks don't get along, an' she didn't need Eva 2 B in there making "wordplay" kinda zingers like that. She needed sum sympathy. I M so sorry I effed that up, Becks!
I'll have more 2 say l8rz, I'm sure.
Apes
I'll have more 2 say l8rz, I'm sure.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:05 AM
23 Comments:
At 9:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You’re still talking about the Gym Jam. Did you and Eva really say those things about Becky in the girls’ washroom? I never thought you would say something like that to anyone.
When I saw Becky crying and running out of the gymnasium after she made those awful noises, I thought she was finally getting what she deserved after all those mean things she said to me. I would have come with you and Eva into the girls’ washroom too, but I had a lot of Spring Water to give out. I had 4 whole boxes, and I hardly gave away any of it. From what you wrote, you and Eva were making fun of Becky, and I am not very good at that except in my thought balloons. It was good I didn't come.
I think Eva would be better for that kind of job than I would be. My job is to comfort you when you have a problem, not Becky. I think maybe you did comfort Becky, since you are the nicest girl in Milborough and she seemed happier when she came out. But, I think if you take Eva someplace with you, Eva must have the job to be insensitive to other people. After all she was even insensitive to you. So, if you need someone to be insensitive, then you should go with Eva. She is good at being insensitive, even if she doesn’t mean to be. It’s just natural to her.
If you want comforting, you should go with me. I will always make you feel better. But if Eva is with you when I see you, I think I will stay away. You’re still the nicest girl in Milborough, even when you are with Eva, just not as nice. Maybe 3/4 nice.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, gerald sed i “nevah showed up 2 do the audio” did he? ur bf iz makin’ me mad. i only had 5 minutes 2 move ur coffin & ur pumpkins & ur backdrop off the stage & set up sound 4 rebecca, cuz sum1 wuz 2 bizzy laffin’ their heads off aftah their 1 song (which wuz suppozed 2b 2 songs) 2 move their stuff.
just cuz i couldn’t get 2 the sound check & do roadie work n 5 minutes, duzn’t mean i nevah showed up. if i wuzn’t there, rebecca wud’ve been freakin’ out nsteada gettin’ her makeup on or watchin’ ur uncle do his beerbong-a-phone act. ‘sides, where else am i gonna b? it wuz an all school assembly & it wuz rilly, rilly mportant 2 rebecca 4 it 2b good, cuz she wuz performin’ 4 all her friendz. 5 minutes iz not enuff tyme 2 do all the stuff i hadda do.
sum1 n the rebecca’s band shud’ve figgered i wuzn’t done wen rebecca’s hand mic didn’t work rite & the floor mics weren’t set in fronta her keyboard or in fronta the bass guitar player, who duz duets w/rebecca on sum of her numberz. but if 2 of the band memberz were stoned, then they prolly didn’t evn notice & just went on. “my instrument works, i’ll just play.” or “i’m stoned. i think i will destroy my guitar.” wut a buncha morons. if rebecca firez me, she shud fire them 2.
u know ur bf haz been tellin’ every1 i wuzn’t there, & othah peeps believe him. “y weren’t u there 2 help rebecca, jeremy? she totally sucked. she totally stank. were u just totally gettin’ revenge on her 4 sumthin’? do u totally like makin’ girls cry, jeremy? or were u out gettin’ totally high like her band wuz?” wen i say i wuz there, they say, “no way. if u were there, then rebecca wudn’t totally sucked so totally bad.” no1 believes me. if ic ur bf, i dunno how totally nice i am gonna b2 hiz face.
speakin’ of not b-ing nice, i know rebecca felt a lot bettah aftah she talked 2u & eva. i hope u rite sumthin’ n ur blog 2morrow ‘bout how u & eva were a little nicer 2 rebecca cryin’ her eyes out n the girls’ washroom. cuz frum wut u rote 2day, it makes u & eva sound like majour beyotches.
At 12:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
omg apes, remember the other day when i apologized? now that i m having a chance 2 look back on my actions, i withdraw the apology. crap, i can't blieve u dcided 2 stand there mocking me w/ eva rite where i could hear u while i wuz upset? an' u r a total hypocrite. u wanted 2 die after u broke ur g-string @ r concert 2 yrs ago. u needed 2 run 2 ur gwampa 2 calm u down!
i'm thinking abt ditching this rotten town. dad sez only in mboro r drug-addicted musicians a bad thing. he is thinking we should move 2 a heritage house in toronto. he sez lots of artists live in that area, tho he's not 2 clear on where "that area" is xxactly. neway, he thinks we would have much better luck if we got away frum pattersons, 2 a place where peeps r more supportive of artists w/ substance abuse probs an' don't try 2 sabotage their shows.
becks
At 1:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your friend Becky in the washroom with you and your friend Eva and the conversation between your boyfriend and your nimishoo (Uncle) Phil. Yesterday you wrote that your friend Becky’s lead guitarist had been drinking. Today you wrote that 2 of the members of your friend Becky’s band were stoned, which is a slang word for the state of intoxication achieved by the consumption of the narcotic Cannabis or Marijuana. Marijuana is legal in Canada for medical purposes with the proper government-issued permits. Marijuana is illegal in most western countries, but has been decriminalized in Britain and Amsterdam. Since you reported in your writing these opinions came from 2 different persons (your friend Eva and your friend Gerald), I can understand why they might not have the ability to distinguish the effects of alcohol and marijuana. There are some similarities in the way people react to these substances.
Your friend seems to be in an environment which encourages casual drug or alcohol use, and so she may be chemically dependent herself. Many people in the entertainment business are. You are closer to the situation than I am, but your sister has told me your friend has been showing many signs of dependency. She said that your friend’s parents are divorced and have been fighting about her. That can cause a lot of stress in a young woman’s life. Your sister also pointed out in one of your monthly letters, you talked about your friend Becky’s absence from classes and study, for her performance career, but regular school absence is also a sign of drinking or drug use. One of the other characteristics of a drug abuser is outbursts of anger or irritability, usually caused by intoxication, directed at friends. Your sister has told me that your friend has hurt your feelings with unkind things she said to you for a long time. This could be another sign of chemical dependence.
If you want to help your friend, you should talk to her when she is sober, convey your concern for her well-being, talk about the negative consequences of her actions (like not getting her school work done, so you have to help her with her school work, was an example your sister gave me), and point out the differences between sober behaviour you like, and behaviour you don’t like. Then you should encourage your friend to consult with a professional to talk about her problem. Be sure not to accuse her or argue with her, or lecture or moralize. Remain factual, listen, and be nonjudgmental. You do not want to elicit defensive anger. And above all, don’t give up. If she seems resistant, you can talk to her later.
This will be a tough thing to do, and I will help as much as I can. As a teacher, you sister is aware of organizations in your area that can help. Of course my sweet girl is also willing to help you. During our evening conversation using Skype on our computers, your sister said to me, “Paul. The more I talk to you about the symptoms of drugs and alcohol, the more I am certain that Becky McGuire must be a raging, drug and alcohol-abusing teenaged girl. It will make a great entry in my book ‘Tawdry Tales of Tapril Tatterson, Town Tart’.” I said, “And you will help April too?” My sweet girl said, “Oh yes. I need first hand information.” Your sister seemed very excited to help you with your friend Becky. Be sure to let me know if you have any questions.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, locker searches every day since the gym jam 4 rebecca & me. i work w/rebecca so i am a stoner & not only that but i wuz not there 2 do audio 4 her @the gym jam, so i must have been stoned & missed it. nobody b-lieves i wuz there, thanx to ur bf. evn shannon lake told me not 2 do drugz. & now the stonerz n skool wunt me 2 sit w/them @lunch. the worst part iz dealin’ w/my mom. grounded 4 a freakin’ month. & i hafta lissen 2 “ur just like ur dad” ovah & ovah again. evn in ur blog entry, u didn’t write i wuz there.
At 2:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
omg. i don't even drink, xxcept brennevin on special viking occasions, w/ my dad, which is legal! paul, u r a tard. just cuz i don't like liz duzn't mean i m on drugs. idiot.
btw, i m gonna sue u 4 slander/libel if u keep telling peeps that u think i'm a druggie. u r ruining my rep. remember, libel laws r very lax here in ontario. pretty much saying nething mean abt a famous person like me will make u have 2 pay big $$$. so shut up now, jerk, an' mayb i won't have ur wages garnished 4evah.
becks
At 2:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
just fyi, law boy:
Under the current legal regime, you can be sued for anything you say about another person that damages their reputation. If sued, the onus is on you to prove the truth of your statements; the fact that you genuinely believed them to be true is not good enough. Even truth is not an absolute defence --- if the court finds you told the truth but your intent was malicious, you might lose anyway.
there is nothing more malicious then coming on my best friend's blog an' telling peeps here i m a druggie.
becks
At 2:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky has made me promise to go look at houses in Toronto this evening after I get off work to see where we would live after she gets out of high school and I get out of prison, hopefully not in that order. She wants to see some of the "heritage sites" one can see within and on the outskirts of the city. I told her my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville live in one those neighbourhoods. She said, “Right under April’s brother Mike on Devon Road.” I said, “Not the actual Devon Road, which connects Gerrard Street East and Cassels Avenue in East York. It’s the Devon Road that is near the Av&Dav neighborhood and in the vicinity of Summerhill and isn’t on any Toronto maps.” I promised Becky I wouldn’t get lost when we go, and I told her my uncle’s war memorabilia collection is quite interesting. Becky thinks that after the Gym Jam, she and my aunt and uncle will have lots of things in common to talk about.
In the meantime, my lawyer, Mr. Benis, says the court date for my trial is either this coming Monday or the Monday afterwards, and I should be prepare for either time. I wish things were more settled in my life, but at least I can spend time with Becky. She says, “Am I being too dramatic for you, Howie?” And I say, “It’s not possible, Becky.”
Howard Bunt
At 2:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
The deliberate sabotaging of a musical entertainment is a felony under Dominion laws, and can lead to an extended period of imprisonment, a hefty fine(even in our own debased currency), or both. The postings you have made are being carefully scrutinized by our experts to determine if there is sufficient evidence to pursue criminal charges against one or more perpetrators of what was evidently a cruel hate crime against the famous young Canadian pop star known as Rebeccah. This winsome lass has come to symbolize all that is best about our country and is a good-will ambassador to the States, proving that we are just as "hep" as any of their own pop stars (I am thinking here of the Partridge Family, young David Cassidy, and so forth).
Under these circumstances, the crime against our beloved Rebeccah is truly a crime against all of Canada, and we are treating it as such. We will spare no one in our crusade to apprehend the wrong-doer, even if the main suspect is, at this moment, a "special needs" student.
At 2:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
howie, when i told dad that ur bro lives in the neighborhood where he wuz looking 4 a house, dad sed, "curse those pattersons! curse them 2 nastrand!" an' i sed "what's that again?" an' dad sed "the worst region of viking hel." an' i sed "don't u mean 'hell'?" an' dad sed "real vikings only spell it with 1 l."
neway, dad sed "we need 2 move where we can b far, far away from those pattersons and their relatives! becky-thora, pack ur bags--we're moving 2 montreal! it's the 2nd largest city in canada. it is still a respectable place 4 my becky-thora 2 build her career. and no pattersons."
so i guess we're moving 2 montreal.
becks
At 3:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ms. McGuire,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I see you have read my writings to April Patterson. I am glad to hear you are not a drug and alcohol abuser. In case you did not know, the public conduct of a public person like you is open to criticism or adverse comment, and commenting upon it with motives which arise fairly and legitimately out of your conduct, are well-founded so a libel action would not be maintainable. If you are telling me 2 members of your band performing in a public senior secondary school were not so incapacitated by drug use they were not able to perform and your reaction to the situation was not to run hysterically to a women’s wash room to hide on top of a toilet so people would not be able to see your feet when looking at the bottom of the stall, then my information must be faulty and I must apologize. As a constable in the Ontario Provincial Police, I can tell you when people think they are about to get in trouble for illegal drug use, the toilet is one of their favourite places to run.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:10 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I can't leave Milborough until after my trial is done, and then of course, I will be leaving for prison. Montreal sounds nice for when I get out though. I hope you aren't planning to leave before I get done with my trial. I had hoped you would be here with me through the trial.
Howard Bunt
At 3:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I can see you are beginning to master the Patterson putdown. "Do you think she's being too dramatic?" with partner Eva saying "Totally." That is a good practice for when you are married and have to deal with your obnoxious mother-in-law, whoever that will be-- Mrs. Forsythe-Delaney, Anderson, Jones or (mom says you have a new one named) Guzmán. Or it can be handy if you have obnoxious downstairs neighbours. Deanna, I and Lovey Salzman (our landlady) have been training our daughter and son in this fine art, so they will one day be masters of the Patterson putdown. Of course, no one was better at it than our Grandpa Jim, who now has to resort to pointing to a picture board. I understand he has a picture of an old goat on his board, and when Iris has upset him over something, he points back and forth between Iris and the old goat. That’s one way of communicating, but it does not reflect his prior mastery of the form.
You see, April, the objective is to put someone down and yet have people think nothing badly of you for having put someone down. If you insulted that slattern Becky McGuire so viciously and coldly that your friend Eva rose to her defence, then clearly you have gone too far. But that humourous bon mot, playing off Becky’s overuse of the word "totally," could not possibly cause anyone offence, and certainly would be an accurate description of the overly loud hystrionics Uncle Phil reported to mom that he heard from Becky outside the women’s washroom door after your Gym Jam performance. That was excellent, and possibly worthy of Grandpa Jim himself.
I know he is my model. He could say the most vile and repulsive things and still come away smelling like a rose. Well an old and wrinkly rose with old person smell on it, but you get what I mean. I know that whenever I say something negative or derogatory about my mother-in-law or my downstairs neighbours, I think to myself, “How would grandpa Jim do this?” If I get a laugh or smile from Deanna as I cut down her mom, or a girlish giggle from my landlady Lovey as I compare to the Kelpfroths to some wild beast or inorganic material, I know I have been successful. One of the best things about being a Patterson is to know that no matter how hateful you are, there is always going to be someone who loves you. I think mom calls them yahoos, but I don’t know from where she got the term.
As you can see, I was very pleased with your Blog entry today. You should keep up practicing your Patterson putdowns. They will serve you well in life.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
howie, don't worry, dad mite go an' buy a house now but i m not leaving mboro b4 the end of the skool year. i mite try 2 get a tutor tho, so i don't have 2 go 2 skool nemore. omg. i m so humiliated, an' apes' jerk friend eva is like making it 100x worse.
there r no pattersons in montreal, rite?
becks
At 6:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Chapter 2
That weekend, Tapril decided to get into full-on scheming to get rid of Tiz mode, so she went over to see her naughtiest boyfriend of all, Teremy Tones, their relationship began in a weird way, he got hit by a car when he was trying to run Tapril over with his bicycle, but then Tapril visited him in the hospital and Tapril found out Teremy had a deadbeat father, so Tapril gave him what she called "a little present" and they had been meeting in secret ever since, they pretended at school to still hate each other so Tapril's handsome but bad-in-bed boyfriend Terald wouldn't catch on, and of course not Tuncan either, but of course Teremy didn't know about Tuncan.
Well the first thing Tapril did when she got there was to tell Teremy that he was going to get a big reward because he had done Tapril a huge favor, Tapril's band was rivals with the band of Tapril's ex-best friend Tebeccah, anyway, they had recently played together at the Tym/Tam concert, and after Tapril's band performed to great acclaim, Teremy had sabotaged the sound for Tebeccah's performance and also injected some of her band members with massive doses of tranquilizers so they would be too messed up to play right, well of course what Teremy wanted was Tapril's young body, and they went out to the garage, took ekcstasy pills, and did a lot of dirty sex stuff together.
Then after that Tapril and Teremy talked about how to get rid of Tiz, Teremy had some horrible ideas, mostly involving killing Tiz with some kind of drug overdose, well Tapril said she didn't want Tiz dead, just out of the house, and Teremy recommended that Tapril cook up some scheme to turn her parents Telly and Tohn against Tiz, which would make Tiz hate living at home and want to move, so Tapril started thinking about what she could do, and Teremy asked her, "What does Tiz care most about in the whole world?" and Tapril said, "That's easy, getting married," because Tapril was always evil like that, saying embarrassing things about Tiz that were totally, completely, 100% not true, and Teremy said maybe Tapril could get her parents to hate Tiz's boyfriend, and Tapril said she'd work on it, they were already unthrilled about her dating a Native man.
When Tiz picked Tapril up to give her a ride home, Tapril swore all they had been doing was Teremy was showing her his sound board, but Tiz knew better, she asked why Tapril looked so hyper and Tapril lied and told her sister it was because Teremy had a mean dog that tried to bite her, but Tiz knew all too well the signs of drug use because she works with kids and you have to know all about drugs then, even in elementary school, of course nasty Tapril told Tiz to floor it, she had to get home in time to get ready for her "jam date" with her new friend Tuis.
Of course Tapril wasn't even interested in playing music with him, she was just seeing Tuis because you haven't been kissed until you have kissed a man who can roll his Rs like that, anyhow, he can also do other disgusting things with his tongue that Tapril likes, things that Terald has never figured out how to do, and that Teremy is too much of a jerk to do, so Tapril and Tuis got together pretty often and Tuis taught her the reason Latin men are known as great lovers, and also in exchange for him giving her pleasure, she gave him advice about how to win Teva away from Tuncan, which was something Tapril wanted to happen so that Tuncan wouldn't spend any time thinking about a woman other than her, it was one thing for Tapril to have fun elsewhere, but she liked men to focus on her, anyhow, this way she had the most chance of getting a husband, not like her pathetic sister Tiz, who didn't do sex stuff and was now a sad spinster at age 25.
At 6:27 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have checked my copy of the 2006 Guide to Wherever the Pattersons and Their Assorted but Never Visited Relatives Live. Under Montreal, I have:
Richards, Phil
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s brother.
Profession: Head of the music department at Académie St-Denis d'art dramatique et de musique.
Vice: Cigarettes
Great flaws: Professional trumpet / hose-a-phone player, childless, never visits father in Milborough.
Great secret: L'Académie Saint-Denis is a French restaurant in the trendy La rue Saint-Denis area in the central artery of the Latin Quarter of Montreal. There is no Académie St-Denis d'art dramatique et de musique.
Richards, Georgia
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s sister-in-law
Profession: Audiologist sharing a practice with two other audiologists.
Vice: Stole Phil Richards away from Connie Poirier with a combination of good looks, shy demeanor, and great sex
Great flaws: Hair unbunned, childless.
Great secret: Georgia Richards is about 100 times more attractive than Connie Poirier, showing that it is more important to marry pretty than to marry smart (for exegesis see Toronto, Patterson, Deanna).
Do Richards count as Pattersons?
Howard Bunt
At 7:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i sed it in my entry, but i'll say it again, i m sorry. when i followed u in2 the washroom, i was totally planning on checking 2 make sure u were ok an' 2 help u feel better. when i was standing outside yr stall w/eva, i don't know what came over me 2 whisper that thing abt asking if u were being 2 dramatic. like u sed, it's totally not fair considering the s00per hissy i threw over that guitar string breaking that time.
mike, i m not proud of myself. the fact that u encourage me if i say thingz like that is v. bad.
oh, and becks, i'm glad u mentioned libel. can u believe that stuff liz wrote abt "tapril"? it's so obvs she's doing pseudonyms 4 me, her, our fam, an' my friends. she even slips in a "gerald" insteada "terald" cuz she can't keep her fake names in her hed all the time. do u think i shd sic my lawyer on her?
jeremy, omg, how many timez do i hafta hear abt u an' "5 minutes"? i already sed i was sorry, i misunderstood abt the focacta sets not being the same 4 every1. gah. an' i only reported what ger sed, it's not like i told him 2 say it. geez.
sgt royalson, wow, do the cops really suspect sabotage? that wd b really awful!
howard, my mom always (secretly) tellz me an' liz that a patterson is a second-rate richards, it that's ne help 2 u.
apes
At 8:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, “focacta sets”? wen did u start talkin’ yiddish? don’t worry. u won’t hear ‘bout ne 5 minutes frum me nemore. mebbe i shud just talk ‘bout gettin’ my locker searched & the security guy sayin’ “wut’s this n ur locker, mr. jones? it’s looks like weed 2 me.” & i say, “it’s an eraser, idiot.” or mebbe i cud talk ‘bout the principal takin’ me n2 hiz office & talkin’ ‘bout how he hazn’t decided how he’z gonna punish me yet. mebbe in-school suspension. mebbe i mite be banned frum ever doin’ sound @r.p. boire evah again. ur bf gerald sez it, but u repeat it & i hafta live w/it. it’s been a freakin’ nitemare since the gym jam & rebecca iz still mad @me.
At 8:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i just had a "focacta" kinda moment there, i dunno y.
sorry u have been getting in trub, i know it's totally not yr fault.
apes
At 9:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
ok, i told dad abt montreal being off the list, an' he sed "fine. then becky-thora and i will forsake the glamorous cities of canada and move to the prairie provinces. we will move to winnipeg. there is a fine farm for sale near there. we can build a recording studio, and have room for a riding stable where we can hire freyfaxi out to give pony rides to the local children. i am sure there are no pattersons in manitoba. it is too far away."
well i'm not thrilled abt this but i have 2 admit he's rite. we will b better off in a patterson-free place.
becks
At 9:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, have u 4gotten that my aunt bev (born a patterson), uncle danny, cousin laura, grandpa will patterson and grandma carrie patterson live in winnipeg? i spent the summer there this yr an' last, remember?
mayB saskatchewan? nova scotia?
apes
At 9:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
damn, i thot they lived in skatchaberta or something! howie, check the book 2 b sure!
becks
At 6:36 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have checked my copy of the 2006 Guide to Wherever the Pattersons and Their Assorted but Never Visited Relatives Live. It confirms what April told you. Under Manitoba, I have:
Cruikshank, Beverly
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s sister-in-law.
Profession: Farm wife and semi-retired veterinarian.
Vice: Likes to treat family visitors as if they are hired farm hands
Great flaws: Extremely prejudiced against pigs. Blames them for the Mad Cow disease problems
Great secret: Has an office in the same building as her brother's medical building.
Cruikshank, Danny
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s brother-in-law.
Profession: Hobby grain farmer
Vice: Allows animals to roost in musical instruments
Great flaws: Refuses to groom himself, particularly his facial hair
Great secret: Secretly resented wife for being the breadwinner, since his Hobby farm no longer can support him for a living.
Cruikshank, Laura
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s niece
Profession: Veterinary student and part-time veterinarian assistant, after failing to make a living with her agriculture degree
Vice: Likes to undress in front of visitors
Great flaws: Looks more like a man than a woman
Great secret: Secretly in love with her first cousin.
Patterson, William
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s father-in-law.
Profession: Retired miner and rock collector.
Vice: Fart jokes.
Great flaws: Prefers rocks to model trains, never visits son in Milborough.
Great secret: In addition to collecting stones, also likes to get stoned. (For views on Patterson drug humour, see exegesis on Toronto, Weeder, Josef)
Patterson, Carrie
Pattersonalia: Elly Patterson’s mother-in-law.
Profession: Retired farm wife
Vice: Cooks and sews better than Elly Patterson.
Great flaws: Prefers daughter to son, never visits son in Milborough.
Great secret: Ashamed daughter is more of a man than her son.
Sorry Becky,
Howard Bunt
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