Eva, that's cold!
So during Becky's sound trubs, Becks was all, "Just a minute, guyz! We gotta technoblip! Just hang in, OK?" Ger, Dunc, Eva, Luis, Uncle Phil, and I were all watching from backstage. I noticed Becky's lead guitarist was acting strange, so I asked Eva what was with him, and Eva was, like, "I dunno--but it looks like he's been drinking." Becky went, "OK! Ready, now! One, two, three, four..." Then her lead guitar player, who was holding his guitar, like, vertically, was yanking on one of his strings an' made his guitar do a "SKREEEEE" and a buncha discordant stuff, like 
. Ger was all, "What's happening? They're totally terrible!!!" And I did this whole-body shrug cuz I didn't know what 2 say or what was going on. Then Eva was all, "MayB they wanted 2 B good...Waaay 2 bad!" And I thot that was waaaaaay 2 cold a thing 2 say. I felt really bad cuz I knew Becks was really xxcited abt having her band play @ the Jam, and she's so good, it's not fair that thingz went wrong like this! And while I was thinking all this, I had a weird feeling that I had full lips of loveliness, which was weird, cuz even tho this happs 2 Liz sumtymez, and Dee's like that all the time, I nev seem 2 get the full lips. I also felt pretty short rite then, but then again it seem like Ger was oddly short then, too, or mayB Eva was unusually tall. Weird what U think abt @ times like this.
More l8r.
Apes
. Ger was all, "What's happening? They're totally terrible!!!" And I did this whole-body shrug cuz I didn't know what 2 say or what was going on. Then Eva was all, "MayB they wanted 2 B good...Waaay 2 bad!" And I thot that was waaaaaay 2 cold a thing 2 say. I felt really bad cuz I knew Becks was really xxcited abt having her band play @ the Jam, and she's so good, it's not fair that thingz went wrong like this! And while I was thinking all this, I had a weird feeling that I had full lips of loveliness, which was weird, cuz even tho this happs 2 Liz sumtymez, and Dee's like that all the time, I nev seem 2 get the full lips. I also felt pretty short rite then, but then again it seem like Ger was oddly short then, too, or mayB Eva was unusually tall. Weird what U think abt @ times like this.More l8r.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:06 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I thought you were going to need some comfort after the Gym Jam with Becky there, but I was wrong. I didn’t get to comfort you and nobody took my water, except that guy with the blue hair in Becky’s band, but it was still a great day. I got to hear your totally fun song and your uncle with the beer thing. Then Becky was totally terrible. That was the best, especially the way the other kids in high school started acting. It was almost as good as putting her on a roket to outer space. I think it made up for every mean thing she said to me 2 years ago, when we were in Home Ec together.
Your friend Eva thought the guy with blue hair had been drinking. I don’t think she meant my Spring Water though. Spring Water doesn’t make you act like that. Maybe he saw your uncle’s beer drinking instrument and he decided he needed to drink beer. I don’t know. It was weird.
I hope we have Gym Jam again next year and your band is the only one who performs. Do you think your uncle would do a whole concert with his beer thing? You should ask him.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, technoblip iz wut rebecca sed. like i sed yestahday, 5 minutes iz 2 fast 2 get ur stuff outa the way & set up 4 rebecca. all she had wuz a hand-held mic, which iz no good 4 sum1 who sings & plays keyboard. i didn’t evn have a chance 2 get the mics setup by her keyboard & rebecca wuz tryin’ 2 start a song.
then there wuz the lead guitarist w/the blue hair. 1st he had an acoustic guitar like u play w/ & then outa the blue (not his hair) he switches 2 an electric & starts wavin’ it about like he’s gonna hit sum1. then he started grabbin’ the string w/hiz whole hand like he wuz tryin’ 2 tear the string off. i wuz so surprised, he made a lotta awful noises b4 i cut the sound on his guitar off w/the sound board. i thot we were gonna hafta deal w/him 2 evn get a song done, but then u know wut happed next that made all that pretty meaningless.
aftahwardz, i sed to rebecca, “where did u get the lead guitarist & the drummer?” i asked her this cuz the drummer we usually play w/iz the local butcher and he’s bald. the lead guitarist we usually have dresses like he’s frum the 1960s. i sed, “wut happed 2 the guyz we toured w/ who r total pros?” rebecca sed, “wut ru talkin’ ‘bout? the band iz ‘bout me, not the backup band.” i sed, “ur backup band iz messin’ u up.” then she sed, “that & my sound guy.” i sed, “i only had 5 minutes.” then rebecca sed, “i can tell that sum1 wunts me 2 think it wuz so bad i shoulda nevah left 4evah az a backup. thass nevah gonna happ. nevah.” it wuz so awful @gym jam, it’s gonna take awhile 4 rebecca 2 get ovah it.
At 11:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
i m so depressed. my dad an' i knew my guitarist had a drinking prob, but dad sed, "this is a good thing, becky-thora. every truly famous guitarist in history has had a substance abuse problem. this is a sign of greatness." i thot abt it an' realized he wuz rite.
but then, after the gym/jam, howie told me, "oh becky, this is milboro, and u r on the official patterson enemies list. what made u think ur guitarist's drug abuse could end in anything other than tragedy and disgrace?" i had 2 admit he has a point. now i feel so totally blind.
becks
At 1:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
This is my last chapter, since I get inspiration from my life I can't write any more on "Lilibet" until some more stuff happens to me, but maybe I will start work on "Tawdry Tales of Tapril Tatterson, Town Tart" while I'm waiting.
---
Chapter 17
So Lilibet moved back to her parents house and it was very annoying, Lapril seemed to think she had a right to use the bathroom whenever she wanted, which is ridiculous, Lilibet is a Cancer which is not like the disease but a water sign, which means Lilibet needs to take lots of baths and showers to make her mind work right, but Lapril is a Aries which is a fire sign, you would think she would be scared to death of showers like a normal person would be but no that Lapril was in the shower at least once a day, what the hell, Lilibet told her to burn the dirt off her skin like a normal Aries but she wouldn’t, it’s probably because Lapril is one of those Martian Arieseses’s, anyway, so living at home was a real hardship, also, for some reason, Lilibet’s perfect mother Kelly was having some kind of problem getting along with Lilibet’s wonderful cat, Friend, even though Lilibet explained that people were just going to have to let Friend do whatever she wanted and break whatever stuff she wanted, they just didn’t seem to get it, Lilibet was annoyed with them, they are way too attached to their worldly possessions, but at least Lilibet’s mother was doing her duty, cooking and cleaning and doing Lilibet’s laundry, it was nice to be home and not to have to do any of that stuff, she would have enough of it to do when she got married to Albany, or a runner-up husband.
It was a good thing she was home where she could get lots of hugs from her mother Kelly because then Lilibet had a terrible thing happen to her, a policeman came to the house and told her she would have to testify at the trial of Broward Hunt, her fifth runner up husband, Lilibet was shocked, it turns out that charging his files or whatever like Torrence made her do meant they would try to put Broward in prison, Lilibet actually had thought about this and she didn’t really think it was so bad that Broward had tried to marry other women before her, it just showed he was proactive about getting a wife, Lilibet wished some other men she knew would be proactive like that, but other people seemed to think that she should hate Broward, so Lilibet pretended to, anyway it was convenient for Lilibet’s plan to use the Broward trial to get a engagement ring out of Albany once and for all.
Well Albany called her up as soon as he got his suppeeenah and asked to come over to her house to talk about it, Lilibet agreed even though the policeman had told her not to talk to other witnesses, she conveniently forgot that part because it would make trouble for her wedding plans, anyhow, he came over and you could totally see he was wanting to marry her right then, so what was the freaking holdup, it really made Lilibet mad, that is Albany’s one fault, he is too timid, anyway, Lilibet told him she thought this would be unpleasant and hoped he would try to comfort her but all he did was say that people like Broward should be off the streets and then Lilibet tried again and tried to make it sound like she could lose her job for taking time off to testify but stupid Albany didn’t get the hint and say, “It’s okay, we’re getting married so you don’t have to work anymore,” but that dolt didn’t, he just said he wished the whole Broward thing never happened, and Lilibet thought, what kind of stupid idiot are you, the thing with Broward is like the best thing that happened to bring us together in years, and started to think maybe her future husband was a little on the slow side, but she did notice that he kept gazing at her adoringly and so Lilibet knew that if she just tried harder that soon Albany would give her a big diamond ring and preferably not the same one he gave Kareze, that would suck, a Latterson woman doesn’t get a recycled ring.
Well anyway then Lilibet tried to talk to Lapril about it but that girl is wily, she wanted to talk straight out about Lilibet using the trial to get back with Albany, and a Latterson woman who is fast approaching 30 with no husband cannot be so open about things, especially not with an evil, fiery little blowhard like Lapril who would just go blab to Albany and possibly ruin everything, no, so Lilibet tried talking to her ugly brother Pike and his wife Lee, she was hoping watching them would give her advice on how to snag Albany since Pike and Lee were childhood sweethearts who met again after many years and had to dump people to get back together, but no, those idiots asked her about Saul, not Albany, and so Lilibet had to give the standard girlfriend talk about missing him, of course stupid Pike knows some of the Latterson tricks and said something about how she would end up dumping Saul and Lilibet yelled at him, he is not supposed to just let everyone know that Saul is not the person Lilibet is imagining marrying, after all, if Albany knew Lilibet was yearning for him, he wouldn’t want her, a Latterson woman has to play hard-to-get.
Well just when Lilibet had everyone focusing on her like she wanted, her stupid grandfather went and got sick, it had something to do with some fantastic prime rib, anyway Lilibet didn’t have time to think about that, besides, she hadn’t even seen her grandfather except for holidays and her grad for years and years and that was the way she liked it, her grandfather didn’t know any young men who she might marry and so hanging out with him would be a waste of time, anyhow, this is not really relevant except that it annoyed Lilibet, so back to trial stuff.
Lilibet and Albany got called into the prosecutor’s office and told the trial was delayed but they had to get another tape of their statements again so they could check and make sure Lilibet wasn’t lying and Lilibet thought this was terribly stupid because she is a Latterson and Albany is her childhood sweetheart and she can’t believe that after all these years Canada still doesn’t have some kind of special rules relating to Lattersons in the law, like they are extra trustworthy, but no, poor Lilibet and Albany had to get taped separately and couldn’t talk about their testimony or anything which was super annoying, that meant Lilibet couldn’t use that time to work her wiles on Albany.
Well one day after making the tape Albany invited her to his house to see all the work he did on it and it was obvious that he was trying to convince her he would be a good husband he showed her the deck he built and the playhouse cage he made for his daughter in the basement and how he can wear an oven mitt like a pro, he kept making eyes at her and even said he was fantasizing about her and Lilibet just wanted to scream, “Propose to me Albany!” but of course she can’t because a Latterson woman doesn’t propose to herself and also it wasn’t time yet anyhow, Lilibet wanted a romantic proposal after swooning on the stand at the trial and Albany catching her, or something like that, not in the kitchen with the man wearing an oven mitt, that is awful, unless he is hiding a giant diamond in the mitt and Lilibet was pretty sure Albany wasn’t. So Lilibet went home to wait and pass the time listening to her sister whine about her band and her mom whine about her grandfather and her dad whine about his ear and drone on about trains, Lilibet wanted a man just like her dad but suddenly she was realizing she could do without the interest in trains, there is only so long you can listen to someone talk about a Fisher Price Looky-Chug-Chug before it gets old, but fortunately Albany doesn’t care about trains, also Lilibet knew she had lost her patience with them because it was time for her to be married already, but fortunately she knew her trial had to be coming up sometime in the next month or so and that would really give her some answers about who her husband was going to be, or at least she hoped so, being a spinster is very tiring.
At 1:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I can tell from your Blog entry, you sound like you didn’t seem to enjoy the well-deserved humiliation of that slattern Becky McGuire as much as you should. I suppose the problem could be that it is difficult to make the connection between the humiliation and high-handed actions of Ms. McGuire. Well, sometimes revenge takes unusual forms, but it is easy to understand if you know the pattern. I know you might think it would be sufficient humbling of Becky, if your fellow high school students didn’t like her music, or if she acted in a high-handed manner or insulted your band’s performance or kicked your little special needs friend and got a well-deserved booing with people leaving the concert as a result; but considering that your main complaint about Becky is that she deserted your band, then revenge must clearly take the form of problems with her band and not Becky herself.
For example, my exposé of the designer Divala 3 years ago, which got me my editing job at the rag where I work. My old boss Mitch Frenum unjustly fired me for refusing to recant the story. So, revenge against Portrait Magazine would not work, since I did not have a problem with Portrait Magazine. The revenge I got was perfect. Not only was Mitch Frenum fired for his unjust firing of me, but I got his job to show what a better job I could do than he did.
Then there was Divala herself, who refused to let me get interview time with her promised to me. The perfect revenge on her was to give her plenty of time and attention from other people, thanks to my Portrait Magazine exposé. She got attention and a lawsuit from the people whose designs she stole and she got attention from the police for exploitation of immigrant workers. So the person, who wouldn’t give me her attention, gets a lot of attention. Do you see how revenge works?
Another example, mom reminded me of was her recent encounter with Kortney Krelbutz. You might think since she threatened you, revenge would be something that threatened her. But Kortney’s offense against mom was that she took the advantages that mom gave her in employment and chose to steal instead. So, now Kortney Krelbutz can’t even meet mom in the street outside a bank without being embarrassed, and looking horrified and scurrying down the street because she threw away the opportunity to be employed by someone as nice as our mom and she will never know the joy of having such a gracious employer again.
In the case of Howard Bunt, who viciously attacked the Lizardbreath last year, he will no doubt be on the receiving end of being attacked for a change. Liz wrote in her monthly letter that aside from her and Anthony Caine, there were 6 other witnesses. Howard Bunt will learn how it feels to be defenseless and attacked by people who are stronger than he is. And Lizardbreath will have some sweet revenge.
I suspect that you are enjoying your revenge on Becky though. Uncle Phil reported to mom that both of you were full-lipped and grinning when her band and her sound turned on her. Of course, with Uncle Phil you can’t actually see his lips. But mom has been very interested in Uncle Phil’s lips lately. I don’t really understand that.
Nevertheless, I feel fairly certain that Becky McGuire knows now that if she had only stayed with your band, problems with sound and drunken lead guitar players wouldn’t occur, especially since you are the lead guitar player. Revenge is sweet, isn’t it? You should enjoy it, and if you are a true Patterson, I know you are.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I was just now thinking about what you said about the lips of loveliness, and yes, you do get them sometimes, not as much as me, but sometimes, but you know what bugs me, when I do get them, they are always the exact same shade as my regular skin, not pink at all, that kind of keeps them from being too lovely if you ask me, even though they do look pretty good with some lip gloss on, I just don't understand why the Good Witch of the North would color us this way, or let people color us this way, Mike says it's because she has gotten fat and lazy gorging herself on the gushing stream of money pouring into her house up north, but I know that can't be it because up north everybody is poor.
Liz
At 6:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I see you are still talking about the aftermath of the Gym Jam. Becky is still depressed about what happened with her lead guitarist. I told her that she needed to look for a backup band that was made up entirely of nuns and then ask Shannon Lake for advice on her career before she took the stage, and she might be able to survive the Gym Jam, but I don’t think she took me seriously.
The news just got worse after that. Becky’s current live-in guest Jalexis Raye Boel, who is staying with Becky until her father Jilly Boel gets out of rehab, kept telling Becky things like, “This is worse than when Ashlee Simpson lip-synched during Saturday Night Live” or “This is worse than when Britney Spears married Kevin Federline.” I didn’t think it was as bad as Jalexis was painting it. At least until we started getting phone calls.
Becky’s studio called and decided it would be better to postpone the release of her 3rd album. I tried to calm Becky by saying it was too early for a 3rd album anyway, since she just released her 2nd. Then we got a call from the Moose Factory Island Moose-Catching Festival, canceling Becky’s scheduled performance there, specifically stating that drunken lead guitarists and poor sound were not the kinds of things that would properly represent Moose Factory Island and its population of humans or moose. I tried to calm Becky by saying it was just as well no one would ever hear that Moose calling song she had been writing for the Festival. Then Becky got a call from Paramount Studios in the States saying they were canceling her movie contract. I said, “You had a movie contract with Paramount?” Becky said, “No. It was just a preemptive strike. You know how they are in the States.” And then we hit a new low when Becky got a call from the Church of Scientology asking her not to join. Jalexis was freaking out. She said, “You know how I have been saying we were new best friends and stuff. Could you kind of forget that ever happened? Thanks. Bye.” She looked horrified, ran out the door, then scurried off down the street. She left without acknowledging my presence. Maybe this way she can make believe that nothing happened and she never stayed here. Daughters of pop stars are dull. Why would anyone bother to try to figure them out!
After Jalexis left, Becky said, “That’s the first good thing that happened to me this week.” Then we got a call from my lawyer, Mr. Benis, who said, “Howard. You should probably stop living in the same house as Rebecca McGuire. It would help in the trial if you distanced yourself from her unfortunate reputation.” I said to Mr. Benis, “What do you mean, ‘unfortunate reputation’? It was just one bad performance. She’ll recover. If she was smart she would stay away from a man accused of sexual assault.” Mr. Benis said, “Mr. Bunt. Please don’t play stupid with me. You and I both know this is Milborough.” I said, “Sorry, Mr. Benis. You’re right. But I am not moving out from Becky. She’s my bud, no matter what happens.” Mr. Benis said, “Oh very well. I guess I should let you know that my last attempt to postpone your trial failed and you are definitely going to court this month. Also, the Crown now has 6 witnesses in addition to Miss Patterson and Mr. Caine.” I said, “Where are all these witnesses coming from?” Mr. Benis said, “They really want you to go to prison, Mr. Bunt. I think the Crown plans to make a very public example of you.” I said, “Great. First Becky, now me.”
Becky was even more depressed when I told her about that phone call. She said, “Maybe you should move, Howie. Maybe it will cut down on the number of years you are sentenced to prison. I really messed up with the Gym Jam. It was the first time my band was playing for the school. I was totally pumped. And it was going to be so cool to have April’s band there with me. I should have known better.” I told Becky that I was not going to leave her until I was thrown in prison. Then we had a good long cry together. Then I made some chocolate and we watched Rome: The Complete First Season DVD. We felt a lot better after that.
Howard Bunt
At 7:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your friend Becky and how her lead guitarist was drinking and caused her performance to be messed up. I mentioned it to your sister during our evening conversation using Skype on our computers and she seemed to be very excited about it. She said, “Nimishoo (Uncle) Phil was there and he told us all about it. The story gets even better, but since you’re reading April’s Real Blog, I won’t spoil the surprise. Is there someone there rubbing your back? I hear the sound of your shirt moving.” I explained to her my back was itchy and I was scratching it myself.
As a constable in the Ontario Provincial Police, I can tell you that being intoxicated on public school grounds is against the law, even if you are above the legal drinking age of 19. Your sister did not know how old your friend Becky’s drunken friend was, but she seemed to think he was not someone who goes to your school. I do not know the details of what happened next, but if I had been there, I would remove your friend Becky’s friend from the school. If he turned out to be a student at the school, I would strongly recommend a suspension and that the school officials prevent that person from ever participating in that kind of activity in school again. Most schools have a school policy about tobacco, alcohol and drug use which covers school discipline for those kinds of situations.
I mentioned the drunk guitar player to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me). That person is not a functioning alcoholic, like many of our people. To get so drunk you cannot play a guitar properly and not fulfill a working obligation, the person would have to be a severe alcohol abuser or dependent. What a horrible thing to have for a school assembly. Here in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I would never allow someone that drunk to come near my students. Things are really different in the South, if they let that sort of thing happen.” I agree with Chipper. As an Ojibway and a constable in the OPP, I am very sensitive to alcoholism and alcohol abuse.
Please don’t think of this as a criticism of you personally. From your writings, I can’t tell if there were any teachers or school officials running your school concert. If they were there, I hope they took care of the drunken guitar player and did not stand around and poke fun at the situation. The days of funny drunks are over in Canada, as far as I am concerned.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i don't know who gave u the idea that i was grinning while becks was having her trubs onstage, but it's a lie. i totally had a blank look on my face, and the pouty lips that i don't usually have. i actually had a weird feeling that i looked like dee in an "april" wig. but neway, i wasn't grinning, i didn't enjoy c-ing becky going thru that, an' i didn't think of her problem as "revenge". i don't know y u have so much trub believing this, but i think she's s00per-talented an' i wanted her 2 do well.
shannon, i'm sorry if becks made u feel bad or whatevs, but really, like i told mike, i'm not happy abt what happed 2 her.
liz, i agree, a good lip colour wd help. i've heard mike's theory abt the witch of the north. he mite just have a pt. she mite b the only 1 up north with a lot of $$$.
howard, i'm sorry 2 hear abt all the bad press an' lost biz connections becky's had. that's just so unfair! i thot it was esp. mean of tom cruise 2 show up on entertainment 2nite, all "becky mcguire will never b a scientologist, and we hope she goes to a psychotherapist who puts her on lots and lots of medication." that was just wrong of him.
paul, i may or may not b answering sum of yr questions 2morrow. and/or saturday.
apes
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