Lucky
Well, after Eva an' I xxchanged our nasty lil whispers that I told U all abt yesterday, I realized I was being a beeyotch and that wasn't what I wanted 2 B. I whispered 2 Eva, "Don't U have sum boyz out there who haven't seen enuf of yr cleavage?" She britened rite up an' dashed outta the washroom. Then I got down on the (ew!) floor so I could talk 2 Becky under the door of her stall where she was crying while sitting on top of the toilet tank (which it's kinda weird that we even have toilet tanks on our school toilets, U don't usually C that in public washrooms). I was all, "Becky--Can I come in?" And Becks was, like, "Whatever", and she let me in. I put my handz on her shoulders, all "U did fine 2day! It was yr band that let U down." And Becks asked, "Y R U being nice 2 me?" I sed, "Y not? I don't wanna B famous! I'm not yr competition!" Becks was like, "But...2nite yr band was better than mine." I was all, "That's cuz my Uncle Phil was with us--an' we were lucky! Sumtymez, ppl R just plain lucky." As we walked outta the stall, I had my arm around Becky's shoulder, and she sed, "Yeah..." Then we hugged and she sed, "Sumtymez....we R."
NEway, I think that's prolly it 4 the Gym Jam storiez in my blog entriez. I'll prolly have sumthing new 2 start tellin' U abt on Monday. But mayB not. We'll C.
Apes
NEway, I think that's prolly it 4 the Gym Jam storiez in my blog entriez. I'll prolly have sumthing new 2 start tellin' U abt on Monday. But mayB not. We'll C.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:46 AM
11 Comments:
At 9:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You’re still talking about the Gym Jam and you took my advice about Eva. I am really happy. Yesterday I said, “If you want to be nice to someone, don’t bring Eva. She is naturally insensitive, even if she doesn’t mean to be.” Of course, the Gym Jam happened before I said it to you, so maybe you didn’t take my advice. You are smart enough to know about Eva without me telling you. And you hugged Becky too, after she has been mean to you ever since your grade 8 grad.
That’s the reason why you are the nicest girl in Milborough. No matter how mean someone is to you, when bad things happen to them, and you are finished making fun of them with Eva, then you can still be nice to them, and nobody made you do it. With the special needs kids, a lot of times people are mean to us, and then the teacher catches them being mean, and the teacher makes them be nice. But when the teacher leaves they are mean again. You’re nice after you’re mean, without a teacher making you do it. That’s why you’re the nicest girl in Milborough. I’m glad you wrote your story, so I know how nice you are.
I wish I could have seen Becky sitting on top of the toilet. It sounds funny-looking.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:30 AM,
April Patterson said…
hey, shannon, u're rite, this happed b4 u wrote yr advice, but i think u were rite abt eva, i don't like what she bringz out in me sumtymez. i'm not happy that i was mean, even tho i was nice afterwards. i wish i'd just skipped rite over the mean.
apes
At 9:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, thass wut u sed 2 make rebecca feel bettah? “it was yr band that let u down.” now it all makes sense. thass y rebecca izn’t talkin’ 2 me. thass y the principal called me n2 hiz office on friday & sed, “jeremy jones. as rebecca’s sound guy, ur a member of rebecca’s band & every1 realizes she did fine, but u let her down.” i sed, “wut ‘bout thoze 2 memberz of rebecca’z band that were arrested 4 public intoxication?” the principal sed, “rebecca’s band iz @fault. they will nevah play @r.p. boire again. that is all i can do 2 them, since they r not students @r.p. boire. but ur a student here, & aftah u let rebecca down, i hafta make an xxample of u, so no1 else will get the idea that they can let rebecca down.” i sed, “or do illegal drugs on skool grounds?” the principal sed, “oh i guess thass mportant 2, but not as mportant az lettin’ rebecca down.” i sed 2 the principal & i think i wuz b-ing kinda prophetic, now ic wut u rote 2day, “i get the feelin’ there’s a patterson nvolved n this.” the principal sed, “the pattersons & their opinions r v.v. important 2 r.p. boire & the whole community of mboro.” i sed, “i guess ur lucky 1 of rebecca’s band is a student so u can make that xxample.” the principal sed, “ur rite, jeremy. sumtymez, ppl r just plain lucky. 10 days of in skool suspension 4u & ur banned frum ever doin’ sound 4 rebecca n our skool again.” i sed, “i suppose i shud feel lucky ur not bannin’ me frum doin’ sound 4 ne othah peeps.” the principal sed, “don’t b silly. we still need u4 sound 4 our regular skool assemblies, drama & musick programmez. u didn’t let me down aftah all.”
i am so glad gym jam iz ovah. lemme tell u the worst of it. i got a call frum my dad, who nevah callz me. he sed 2 me, “son. i unnerstand u screwed up the sound 4 ur little teeny pop idol’s band @her own skool, cuz u were doin’ illegal drugz. son. it brot a tear 2 my eye, knowin’ u were followin’ aftah the old man’s footsteps. i am so proud of u. i wish i cud b there 2 hug u.” i sed, “sumtymez, ppl r just plain lucky.” dad sed, “good 1. i look 4ward 2 c-ing u n rehab. we can have great father-son moment.” this haz been the worst week of my life since i got hit by the car. i think it wuz evn worse than the week of the xxplodin’ clownz. i am so glad it’s ovah.
At 9:55 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, i meant the actual musicians in the band, not u! i feel like i can't say nething w/out accidentally causing sum1 sum trub. gah, mayB i need 2 lock myself in my room an' not talk 2 ne1 4 a while, i'm obvs dangerous. :(
apes
At 7:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I must say that you are quite fortunate you have a huggable archenemy in the form of one Miss Becky McGuire. I know that the persons who have had the dubious distinction of having set themselves against one Michael Patterson (that's me) over the years, have by and large been a quite unhuggable bunch. Possibly Brad Luggsworth was the most huggable, but he still was far beyond the "don't hug" line for me. I certainly never would have hugged Mitch Frenum, my old boss at Portrait Magazine who fired me. He was even less attractive than Brad.
You are fortunate, because all enemies of Pattersons eventually reach a stage where they realize the errors of their ways either through common sense or simply having so many awful things happen to them because of their filthy and disgusting habits, that they turn to the light, or in other words, our family. When that time came for you with Becky McGuire, as you wrote in your Blog entry today, clearly you had no difficulty in grasping the sluttish, but still attractive, Becky.
As for my enemies for example, when my mother-in-law comes to visit, she has reached such a level of senility where my darling wife Deanna is no longer talking mom-hate, but talking retirement home and inheritance. I think she is hoping for a stroke or some other debilitating illness, so that she and her estranged sister, Andrea can be reunited, much in the same way mom and Uncle Phil were recently reunited. Given this change in attitude, it no longer seems to be the right thing to do to throw Deanna's mom out of our apartment every time she comes tovisit. But lately, I have been getting this sense that instead of saying goodbye by handing Mira Sobinski her coat and pushing her out the door, she wants to have an earnest farewell and a hug. The mere thought of it sends shivers down my spine.
Then there are my downstairs neighbours Melville and Winnie Kelpfroth. The disgusting smell of cigar and incense would put off any decent human being from coming close to them, but lately they have been positively friendly. Neither I nor Deanna has mentioned their ceiling banging (floor for us) in our monthly letters in months, and occasions which I thought would be sure ceiling-banging incidents, like the time my son slammed my daughter's finger in the door or when my son had his miraculously cured earaches, there was nary a bang on the floor. Melville has actually had civil conversations with me and by "civil," I don't mean "Civil War" conversations, which he also likes to have. I fear that one of these days he may want to shake my hand or give me a hug. If that happens, I may have to have myself professionally cleaned.
The worst part of it all, is I know that because I am a Patterson, it's going to happen. One of these days, out of the blue, both Mira Sobinski and the Kelpfroths are going to turn nice. Cheeze and rice, even mom had a run-in with Kortney Krelbutz recently. One of these days, she is probably going to forced to give her a hug or shake her hand. Mom has told me she doesn't think it will be that bad, but I am not sure I believe her.
In any case, my advice to you is to keep on doing what you have been doing. Make sure your archenemies are attractive and slatternly, like Becky McGuire. That way, when that awful hugging time comes, it won't make you lose your lunch.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, how many times do i hafta tell u that becky is not my enemy, she's my friend? u don't listen, do u?
apes
At 7:36 PM,
howard said…
April,
I want to thank you for your kind words in the washroom to Becky. It made her feel a lot better that you said she did fine, when, given the quality of the musical performance she reported to me, that was a generous statement. She appreciated that you admitted the only reason your band sounded good was due to your uncle's playing with you. I think both of you realize that what you two said about it not being a competition between the bands was so much hoo-ha. Lying to your friends is a such a nice thing to do sometimes.
Today at Sugar's Hair Salon, my fellow stylist and Becky's half-sister Marjee Mahaha said to me, "Howard. Is it true 2 guys in Becky's band showed up to perform at her school toasted and they were arrested for public intoxication?" I said, "Of course not." Because Becky's father Thorvald fired both of them, so technically they are not members of Becky's band any more. Then Marjee said to me, "Is it true, you may be going on trial next week?" I said, "I can neither confirm or deny that question." Which is also a lie, since my lawyer, Mr. Benis has told me my trial date. Marjee said, "Is it true you and Becky are going to karaoke night at the Three Kronen's tonight? I said, "Of course not. Do you want to come too?" Marjee said, "Oh no, Howard. I wouldn't think of interrupting what could be one of your last nights with Becky." I said, "Well, then I'll see you there." Marjee said, "I'll be wearing one of your least favourite outfits." I said, "As long as you'll be ugly." Marjee said, "Guaranteed. And I expect I will not be hearing you and Becky doing any duets." I said, "Not a one. We'll just be there to listen." Marjee said, "That's perfect. I just hate it when you two sing together. If you do sing, I will be clapping my hands." I said, "Over your ears." Marjee said, "Exactly." I said, "I know one song we will definitely not do, is one of your favourites." Marjee said, "I will be just plain lucky not to hear it." I said, "Sometimes people are just plain lucky." Then Marjee put her arm around my shoulder and said, "Sometimes...we are." Then Sugar, the store owner, came over and said, "Break it up you two. No one likes to see people who like each other. You're just lucky I don't mind it."
If you're interested in Karaoke tonight, come on by.
Howard Bunt
At 7:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I do listen, well, read actually. I read your Blog entry and I can see that you and Becky McGuire are friends once more. My statement about you being enemies was a reflection of the status of your relationship before you two hugged and made up. Sorry that wasn't clear before.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, sounds like a fun way 2 spend a rainy nite, esp. since my dad's being a bit mopey. i'll xxplain y in 2morrow morning's blog entry.
apes
At 7:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
but mike, we were'nt enemiez b4 we hugged, either. that was yr imagination, or mayB sumthing mom led u 2 believe. we've stayed friends all along.
apes
At 12:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. The Patterson retcon. This is always a good tactic to apply with former enemies. I remember when mom stopped spending time with Anne Nichols, because she never understood how she could forgive her husband Steve Nichols’ philandering time after time. But then when Anne Nichols started giving mom free prime rib to give to grandpa Jim, then it was as if the problems between mom and Anne never existed, and if you ask mom, she will tell you about how nice Anne was to give her the prime rib and how she never had a problem with Anne. This is the Patterson retcon. So, when you say you weren’t enemies with Becky McGuire before you hugged, I completely understand, I bet she wasn’t, say no more, say no more, know whatumean, nudge nudge.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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