It's Anthony "Daddy, Daddy" Caine
Liz wrote a comment last nite telling abt sum more of that court day we've been discussing here:
Apes
April,Child development in Milborough is v. weird, isn't it, Liz? Like Robin and Merrie, their size and behaviour never matches where they're supposta B according 2 the non-Milborough milestones. Weird. I'm not sure Y U find it so amazing that Anthony's a dad. I mean, Mike's a dad, 2, rite. So I guess NE guy can B.
More about that day at the courthouse, well when lunchtime came Anthony said, "Let's walk out together," but then when we got to his car he stopped and my car was all the way in the back of the lot because I was late because of going to see Grandpa and that annoying Agnes lady, anyhow, when we got to Anthony's car he asked if I wanted him to drive me to my car or go out to lunch together and of course I said "go to lunch together" because sitting in my car alone for a whole hour sounded really boring, so I climbed into his yellow minivan with him, and then he said we had to bring his daughter Francie to lunch with us which I thought didn't sound like such a good idea because those nasty courthouse types told us we only had one hour and also I was hoping Anthony was going to take me to a really nice restaurant, since he asked me I knew that meant he would pay and so I was hoping for something good, anyhow, now I knew I would probably only get French fries, especially since his daughter is Frenchy, well since Anthony always calls his day care "the sitter" I assumed it was some nice old lady at her home or something but no, Francie gets taken care of in this big, modern day care center that looks like a cross between an office building with big plate glass windows and a minimum security prison, and when I say "minimum security" I mean it, because there is a big gaping hole like a garage door in the building that isn't closed and we didn't even have to go inside, Francie just came running out of that garage and into Anthony's arms, I guess the sitter runs her business out of a garage stall in an office building, which seemed weird to me but what do I know, I don't have kids, well then Francie ran out screaming, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" almost like she was dying to be rescued from that place and Anthony swooped her up into the air and then I was thinking two things:
1. Francie looks very tall and advanced for a 1 1/2 year old girl, and
2. Anthony is a dad, can you believe it, I know I can't, it's so amazing, I mean I have known about him being a dad for like two years, but really it is so amazing, it's like I can never quite believe it, you know? Totally amazing. I don't believe it.
Liz
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:01 AM
8 Comments:
At 11:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
No, Anthony being a dad is amazing because I never realized it before, wow, he is a dad now, just like Dad, wow, it's amazing, I never thought of him that way before, I mean, maybe I should of, but I didn't, because seeing is believing, and usually it takes more than one seeing to believe, like with Warren, he showed up only one time so I didn't believe, but now I have seen Anthony with Francie two times, so I believe it now, just like some other things I have seen Anthony do that make me believe something that it took me a really long time to believe, but now I do, and it's amazing.
Liz
At 1:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I will have to hand it to Anthony. Picking up your daughter and swinging her is a sure-fire method of getting some loving from any adult women hanging around. The last time my wife Deanna kissed me was just before I picked up my daughter and swung her, back in March. There is something about lifting up your daughter into the air that changes the way people look at you. I feel more masculine, to display my nurturing fatherly side. I had a picture made of me swinging my daughter. It’s on my desk and it is very effective. When people come in my office saying, “Patterson, you idiot. How could you be so stupid?”, they see the picture and say, “Since you are such a good father, I can’t be that mad at you.” I also have a copy of the same picture which I carry around in my wallet. Whenever I meet someone new at the office, I find that I can pull out the picture and it helps me make a favourable impression.
For example, the new front desk girl with the exposed cleavage, I wrote about in my monthly letter. When I first met her, I pulled out my swinging-my-daughter picture, and she said since I was obviously a good father, I am also her favourite editor in all of Portrait Magazine, and we should go for lunch sometime. I told her she could come to the coffee room at Portrait anytime she wanted. We have a small counter and a few shelves display or a round table that can sit seven. The front desk girl said she had heard I was a fixture at several of the local eateries and I had business lunches at least four times a week, in order to see advertisers, photographers, sales representatives, and visit with old, unmarried ex-girlfriends like the other senior editors at Portrait. I told her that was last year. This year I am part of the creative team, a force united against the owners of the magazine who ultimately steer its course. She said it was a good thing I had that picture of me and my daughter, or I would come off as an idiot who seemed to have forgotten what senior editors do. Once again, that picture helped me to deal with people.
Anthony Caine is a genius to swing his daughter in front of the Lizardbreath. There is no way she can resist him now.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister visiting with her friend Anthony and his daughter Françoise. When I was using Skype on my computer to talk to your sister on her laptop, I asked her if her lunch with the little girl made her think about having children someday. Your sister said yes almost before I finished my question. She said, “Paul. I could see me being a mother to little Francie, I mean, a girl like little Francie.” I told my sweet girl I was glad to hear it. I want to start a family too.
Then Elizabeth said to me, “You want to start a family? Are you good at picking up little girls and tossing them into the air?” I said, “I haven’t had much experience doing that, but I have picked up some of my younger nindawemaa (cousins).”
Then my sweet girl said, “Have you ever built an indoor playhouse for your younger nindawemaa (cousins)?” I said I had not, but I had taken them on a ride in my police car and let them work the siren. In Otter County, as it is in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where Elizabeth used to work, the children usually play outside and the houses are not big enough for indoor playhouses.
Then my sweet girl said, “I don’t know if you have the experience to start a family, Paul. Have you changed much since the last time I saw you?” I said I had not changed much since last October, except I missed her more the more time I was away from her. Your sister said, “That’s 3 strikes. I don’t know if you can start a family, Paul. You don’t have experience lifting and tossing your daughter, you haven’t built a children’s indoor playhouse, and you haven’t changed much.”
I told my sweet girl those were not what Ojibway men usually think of for starting a family. For an Ojibway, it is important to have the warrior spirit, which means having bravery, generosity, leadership, peacemaking and spirituality and not falling into the trap of diabetes, alcohol, domestic violence, poor parenting habits, and sexual abuse which have caused problems with Ojibway men and their families for the last 300 years.” Your sister said, “Things are a lot simpler in the South. When you get your transfer, I want to see you toss a little girl in the air. Guys who can toss their daughters in the air are so amazing.”
I told my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) about my conversation with my sweet girl. She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), I think you are ready to start a family. I would be very glad to help you start one.” I said, “That’s great news, Chipper. You know so much about Ojibway culture and child education. It would be a big help to Elizabeth.” Chipper said, “Suds. I would be very impressed if you got Elizabeth to agree to raise children who learned how to speak Ojibway and knew about Ojibway traditions and culture. That would be more than her principal in the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) School, Gary Crane, was able to get her to do in the 2 years she was here.” I said, “Elizabeth has changed so much when talks about children, since she met this little girl named Françoise in the South, I didn’t believe it.” Chipper said, “I don’t believe it either.” When I start a family with your sister, Chipper is going to help. Your new nindoozhimis (nieces) and nindoozhim (nephews) will know all about being Ojibway, even though they will live in the South.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, liz, if u say so. y'know how i told u that i'm not reading mike's posts nemore, since he's so rude abt not reading every1's posts here? and u told me u'd read them and let me know if he sed nething interesting or worthwhile? cd u let me know if he did in that post he did this afternoon? thx!
paul, i think i'd luv 2 have u as a brother in law. and then b auntie 2 yr kids. that wd b cube!
apes
At 7:23 PM,
howard said…
April,
The trial continued today with a different witness than my cousin Kayla, who refused to testify against me last week. The Crown attorney’s next witness was none other than Kortney Krelbutz. I was a little surprised because, you may remember that Kortney and I were dating for awhile last year. This is kind of how it went:
{Kortney is sworn in}
Crown Counsel: Kortney Krelbutz. Is that your real name?
Kortney Krelbutz: No. I was born Kurt Krelbutz.
Crown Counsel: Did you have a sex change operation?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: So for intents and purposes, your naked body is indistinguishable from a woman’s body, aside from your extraordinary homeliness. Is that correct?
Kortney Krelbutz: Hey! I am not that homely.
Judge Patterlover: Answer the question.
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes. It is indistinguishable from a woman’s body.
Crown Counsel: In 2002, did you aid and abet your boyfriend, Buck, in the theft of a collectable brass train from Lilliput’s, owned by Elly Patterson?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: In 2003, did you threaten physical force against April Patterson for complaining you were chatting on the computer in “Hot Date Chat Live”?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: In 2003, did you steal 6 books and 8 calendars from Lilliput’s where you worked and did you use a stolen cheque from your aunt, Mrs. Marcia Green; a faked letter of thanks from St. Johns Anglican Church for a donation; and a fake cheque from a man who was paying you to feed his cat on weekends to cover for this theft?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: That’s a lot of effort to go to for less than 200 dollars.
Kortney Krelbutz: It was more than 2 times what I was making at Lilliput’s a month working full-time.
Crown Counsel: Were you fired, when you were caught?
Kortney Krelbutz: No. I was fired when Elly Patterson went on vacation.
Crown Counsel: Did Elly Patterson press charges against you for theft?
Kortney Krelbutz: No. But she did put pressure on my aunt to press charges, so I would not get away with it, but Elly would still look good. Elly Patterson is obsessed with not pressing charges against people.
Crown Counsel: A characteristic her daughter doesn’t seem to have.
Kortney Krelbutz: Was that a question?
Mr. Bunt (my lawyer): My Lord, is there a point to all this?
Crown Counsel: I am getting there.
Judge Patterlover: Then continue.
Crown Counsel: Thank you, my Lord. Miss Krelbutz, did you run into Elly Patterson recently?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: Where was that?
Kortney Krelbutz: As I was leaving the bank.
Crown Counsel: And what happened then?
Kortney Krelbutz: I looked horrified for a second and then I scurried off up the street.
Crown Counsel: Was it in fact, down the street you scurried?
Kortney Krelbutz: I suppose so. It’s hard to know up and down with streets.
Crown Counsel: And did you acknowledge Elly Patterson’s presence?
Kortney Krelbutz: I suppose so. I did look horrified and scurried.
Crown Counsel: No. I mean did you “acknowledge” her as in “express obligation, thanks, or gratitude for” or “acknowledge the kindness she showed towards you” or “accept someone’s power and authority.” Did you acknowledge Elly Patterson that way?
Kortney Krelbutz: No.
Crown Counsel: You mean the person who hired you out of high school, gave you a job despite your double “k”-name, who did not get upset when you threatened her daughter, who gave you second chance after second chance….
Mr. Bunt (my lawyer): My learned friend, I think you mean second chance and third chance and fourth chance.
Crown Counsel: Exactly. Thank you friend. Third and fourth chances. After all this, you did not give Elly Patterson the acknowledgement due to her?
Kortney Krelbutz: Not this again. Look. Gordon Mayes may feel the need to grovel to the Pattersons, but he’s rich. Lawrence Poirier may worship the Pattersons, but he’s rich too. I don’t owe Elly Patterson anything for hiring me for job where she barely paid me a living wage, so I had to steal some books and calendars to make ends meet.
Judge Patterlover: Bailiff! Throw her in jail until she agrees to acknowledge Elly Patterson!
Crown Counsel: My Lord. While I agree with the spirit of that command, it would prevent me from using this witness in this trial.
Judge Patterlover: Very well then. Carry on.
Crown Counsel: You admit you won’t acknowledge Elly Patterson. Did you have an intimate relationship with Howard Bunt?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: Are you the kind of girl Howard Bunt likes?
Kortney Krelbutz: Considering Howard’s gay and I used to be a guy, I would say, yes, I am the kind of “girl” Howard Bunt likes.
Crown Counsel: Did Howard Bunt ever attempt to sexual assault and murder you?
Kortney Krelbutz: Murder, no. Howard and I sexually assaulted each other quite a few times.
Crown Counsel: In your opinion, is Elizabeth Patterson the type of girl meant for someone like Howard Bunt?
Kortney Krelbutz: No. Howard’s way too nice for Elizabeth Patterson. She chews up men and spits them out.
Crown Counsel: Your witness, my learned friend.
Mr. Bunt (my lawyer): Miss Krelbutz. Did you ever think about pressing assault charges against the accused?
Kortney Krelbutz: No. I wanted to marry him.
Mr. Bunt (my lawyer): No more questions. Your witness, my learned friend.
Crown Counsel: You agreed you didn’t acknowledge Elly Patterson, is that correct?
Kortney Krelbutz: Yes.
Crown Counsel: No more questions.
Judge Patterlover: Can I throw her in jail now?
Crown Counsel: Throw away, my Lord.
Judge Patterlover: Bailiffs!!!
Then there was a long battle between the bailiffs and Kortney Krelbutz, which took literally the rest of the day. After Kortney knocked them all unconscious with a combination of frying pan and collectable brass train engine, she left, and the Judge adjourned the trial until tomorrow. I’ll let you know what happens then.
Howard Bunt
At 7:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m so depressed ur sis & anthony had lunch 2gethah. the idea they 8 food 2gethah makes me wanna kill myself. if ur sis & anthony get married i think i will fall n2 a dark pit of despair. i’m tryin’ on this goth thing. how do u think i am doin’ so far?
i asked zapata henderson 'bout whether i shud go w/zeremy zones or zeremy jones. she sed, "my bf goez by eldritch, & i can't convince him 2 go by zeldritch, cuz he sez it iz 2 much like the legend of zelda." i sed, "sorry 'bout ur bf. wut shud i do?" zapata sed, "zeremy jones iz correct 4 a z-boy."
zapata seemed rilly depressed. i wish i cud do depressed az good az she does.
At 7:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings saying you would like to be the ninzigos (aunt) for my children and to be my niinim (sister-in-law). I really enjoyed my one meeting with you in July. I would love to be your niitaa (brother-in-law). I hope I get my transfer soon. I don’t think your sister would say “Yes” to marriage, unless I had my job in the South. I have also been practicing throwing one of my younger female nindawemaa (cousins) in the air, who lives in Otter County. I have to be ready for your sister's test of proper fatherhood, when I do get my transfer.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
zeremy, u really had me going there 4 a sec w/the depression stuff. u mite b on2 sumthing w/that.
paul, i'm not sure y liz thinx u hafta practice that. it's not like anthony had practice b4 françoise was born. it's like on-the-job learning, i think.
howard, they totally had a thing on the news abt the whole kortney thing!
apes
Post a Comment
<< Home