More on Liz visiting Gramps
Hey, so Liz posted a comment last nite telling sum more abt her visit 2 Gramps the other day:
Apes
April,Ew, I hope U were wrong abt the #2, Liz! It's weird that Iris thinx "Ta" meant he was thanking her. He had a stroke, he didn't turn British!
Now I can tell you the rest about my boring visit with Grandpa, anyhow, that Agnes lady sure does blab on a lot, I wonder if she was always like this before Grandpa had his stroke or if she is "talking for two" now or what, it makes me almost wish I had spent some time with them before this happened but then I remembered I could just ask you April since you spend lots of time with them, anyway, Iris blabbed about some stuff about doctors and exercises and eating and whatever, I just remember it was funny because Agnes was talking to Grandpa the same way I talk to my fourth graders when they are being very very childish, but Grandpa didn't look like a childish fourth grader, his face was all squished up and wrinkly like a prune, and I thought he might be going in his pants or something, he looked very unhappy, anyway I was just about to say, "Iris, I think he is going Number Two," when Grandpa told her himself by shouting, "Ta!" which I guess is how you say "two" when you are brain dead but of course that silly Agnes woman who is just full of herself thought he was saying "thank you," and she kissed him and said, "You're welcome," I didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong, after all Mom said to be nice to her, she is cheaper than a nurse, and also, talking about your grandpa going Number Two to some lady named Iris you hardly know at all except she came to your college graduation and you might of shook her hand there is awkward, you know what I mean?
Maybe more later, Liz
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM
8 Comments:
At 8:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings quoting my sweet girl talking about her visit with your mishomis (grandfather) and your nokomis (grandmother). When we spoke last night on Skype, she was excited she understood what your mishomis (grandfather) meant by “Ta”, when your nokomis (grandmother) did not. She said, “I’ve been teaching for over 2 years now, and I know a B.M. when I see one.” Then she laughed loudly. I said, “Just this past Sunday, your ngashi (mother) made a joke about your noos (father) in the washroom and the dogs in the yard. Does your family like moowan (poop) jokes?” My sweet girl said, “As a practice, a proper Patterson will not laugh at a moowan (poop) joke, but just among our family, it is one of our favourite types of humour, next to puns of course. Ngashi (Mom) believes there is no bodily excretion that can’t be turned into a side-splittingly funny joke.” I said, “Your ngashi (mom)? She is so polite and reserved; I have a hard time imagining it.” Your sister said, “No, Paul. Puns and bodily functions are a Pattersons’ humour watchwords. We will tell jokes about chin hair, skin abrasions from putting raw coconuts on your breasts, saliva flow from smelling prime rib, a dog mating with a water sprinkler, the smell of animals during surgery, and April falling into horse moowan (poop), just to name a few.” I was relieved to learn your family has humour more than just puns. I am not very good at punning.
I told my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper), about my sweet girl and her jokes about moowan (poop). Chipper said, “Suds (her nickname for me), I moved into the Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) teacherage after Elizabeth was living here with her cat. I know all about your girlfriend and her moowan (poop) jokes. It has taken me months to find all the places where her cat left me little, ‘humourous’ presents of moowan (poop).” You can see that Chipper appreciates moowan (poop) jokes too. I think she would get along great with your family.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I can’t say I am too surprised Iris is misinterpreting what Grandpa Jim actually wants. Mom has reported to me that if Iris’ understanding of Grandpa Jim is correct, then Grandpa Jim has developed an interest in television soap operas, bodice rippers, healthy foods, facial hair plucking techniques, and wearing purple with a red hat.
I asked Deanna what she would do if she was in the same situation as Iris with me, if I had a stroke. Could she do this? Could she be a caregiver for as long as it takes? Could she, as a senior, give up her everyday life to look after me? Deanna said, “You mean, having a husband who will eat when I tell him, who will bathe when I tell him, who won’t disagree with me when I tell him, who will like all the same things I do when I tell him, who will quit his job at Portrait magazine when I tell him, who will spend time with my parents without complaining and insulting my mother when I tell him, who will spend enough time with his children when I tell him, who will stop going over to his friend’s apartment to drink wine without me when I tell him, who will not be able to think or do anything that I don’t tell him? You mean that kind of situation?” I said, “Well, yes, except I would be recovering from a stroke.” Deanna said, “I don’t think I would have any problem doing that at all, Mike. Your grandfather is setting a good example for you.” See what a wonderful wife I have. She is so strong in her ability to give of herself when I am weak and insignificant.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:22 PM,
howard said…
April,
Today at the courthouse, they told me to just go home, or go back to work in my case. I was told one of the key witnesses for the Crown is not going to make it today, because she was diverted into an important mission to the home of an elderly couple, who are trying to teach people across the world about the use of the British slang word “Ta” meaning “Thanks.” I can’t argue with the importance of that mission. It is certainly better than trying to teach people what the slang terms “Foob” and “Granthony” mean.
I did get your puzzle books to help me alleviate courthouse boredom. Thank you. Becky offered to play cat's cradle or hopscotch at the courthouse with me. Maybe I can do that tomorrow, although my lawyer Mr. Benis said that the trial delay due to this missing witness may last for a few more days--a few more days of freedom for me, before your sister puts me in prison. I was a little worried I would miss the Lost Fall Season finale.
Howard Bunt
At 12:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my 3rd day of in-school suspension az punishment 4 wut happed @the gym jam. the in-school suspension supervisor sed, “we hafta do sum physical education 2day. the mboro district school board believes kids doing in-school suspension need 2 move around, cuz if u sit in a chair all day ur muscles in ur little brains atrophy. with p.e., u can move & think more easily, i must say & u can do our little exercises @home 2. mebbe, if u learn enuff, u can evn learn to feed urselves w/o havin’ me cut up ur food.” then she chortled a little bit 2 herself. so, we have been doin’ push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, stretches, all morning. the worst part of it wuz the in-school suspension supervisor sayin’ 2 me, “stop! stop! stop! stop! jeremy jones. that means u. ur like a baby doin’ thoze push-ups.” i gasped & sed, “ta!!” the in-school suspension supervisor sed, “ur not getting a ‘you’re welcome’ outa me, jeremy jones. i will stop treating u like a child wen u can do a proper push-up.” i wuz rilly glad 2 break 4 lunch.
At 12:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I didn't know "ta" was Brittish slang for "thank you" until Iris told me, she said Grandpa spent some time in England during the war, and I said, "I thought you said it was Brittish slang," and Agnes said, "England is in Brittain," and I said, "Oh," we don't do world geography in the fourth grade you know, we do North America only, so I don't have to know that stuff anyhow, so anyway, Iris said he uses a lot of that Britty slang around the house in private and it is nothing to worry about at all, anyhow, and then Grandpa looked at me and said, "Ba!" and Agnes said, "See? He recognizes you!" and I said, "But my name is Elizabeth or Liz. How come everyone is getting that wrong these days? Just the other day, Mom called me 'Missy,'" and then Iris said, "No, 'ba' is clearly short for 'bird,' which is Brittish slang for 'girl,' so he must be talking about me, and then Grandpa said kind of loud, "Na! Na! Na!" and Agnes patted him on the head and said, "I'll mash you a banana for lunch in just a little while, dear," and I said, "Maybe he's trying to say 'nappy,'" Iris got angry and said, "Who do you think you are, the smart grandchild? Listen up, missy--that's Mike's role. You're not even the talented grandchild. That's April, who also doubles as the favorite grandchild. No. You are just the pretty grandchild. And do you know what that means? That means you are supposed to be seen and not heard," and I got really mad and I said, "Well, I am also the teacher grandchild, and so I know all about the minds of children, and since Grandpa is a child now, I know everything there is to know about him, and I think he is trying to say you need to change his nappy which is Brittish slang for diaper, I know a lot about the Brittish people because I sometimes watch 'Changing Rooms' on TV, and besides, he just told you he went Number Two," and Agnes said, "You're even stupider than you look. If he sh** himself, we would smell it," and Grandpa sed, "Heh, heh, heh."
Maybe more tomorrow, I don't really know right now.
Liz
At 7:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, no1 on that changing rooms show ever uses "ta"?
jeremy, do u get the feeling they just really wanna make sure u want the suspension 2 b over an' go outta yr way 2 avoid having another? not that u did nething 2 deserve this one, but u know what i mean.
howard, i'm glad the puzzles helped 2 keep u fr. getting 2 bored.
mike, it soundz like u an' dee might have issuez 2 work out, eh?
paul, the poop-joke thing is a bit embarrassing!
apes
At 8:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I never heard that "ta" thing on there but then again they are not usually thanking anybody on that show, usually people are really mad about what happened to their room and they're mostly like, "This looks like the waiting room at a whorehouse," or "I am never speaking to that stupid bitch neighbor of mine ever again," that kind of stuff, so I'm not too surprised there are some gaps in my learning about Brittish stuff (and by the way, it is spelled with two Ts, I am almost positive).
Liz
At 12:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Well after our argument about what Grandpa was trying to say, Agnes decided to stop me from contradicting her anymore by never giving me a chance to talk, it was so annoying, she even made me take off my coat and have coffee with her while she blabbed and blabbed and the stupidest part was that the blabbing was all about what was happening with me with my trial and school and Paul and whatever but she never let me say one word, and all I could think was, "Poor Grandpa," because now she is used to doing all the talking she will never let anyone else talk ever again, and probably Grandpa is going to stay retarded or dumb or whatever it is they call people who can't talk these days, all because she won't let him practice, it's terrible, and I could see it in Grandpa's eyes that he feels the same way, I told you I know all about childish minds, well fortunately then I put on my coat to leave because I felt like I had done enough time on that visit and now I visited one time in the hospital and one time at home so I should be done for good, now I should only be forced to see them again at my wedding and then when Grandpa kicks off, I will see him at the funeral, which will be a terrible day, because Agnes will still be alive and she will probably want to blab on and on the whole stinking day.
Liz
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