Face 2 Face
Liz told me abt writing 2 Paul recently. She sez she wrote this: "Dear Paul, I'm getting lessons ready 4 the supply teacher again. This trial is taking forever, and I'm afraid to ask for anymore time off. I spend most evenings in my room. It's not that I don't love my family, I just miss having my own space. I hope U don't mind my long letters. I miss you--when I write, I feel as though I'm talking to you...Face to face." And then Shiimsa, who had jumped up on2 her desk, stuck her face in Liz's face. And Liz is pretty sure she looked v. unamused.
Okay, "supply teacher". If U R in the states U mite B having a WTF moment abt this. Here is Wikipedia 2 the rescue, eh? Tho U prolly guessed she meant "substitute teacher", as U call it.
Now, back 2 Liz. Wha? Y R U acting as if U R living w/us against yr will. U chose this! U can move out NEtime U want, remember?
Oh, and answers 2 Liz's questions from last nite:
And yr second question, geez, I dunno Y Mom went 2 the trub of lecturing U if she wdn't really tell U. It's a slang word 4 yr "lady parts", as Mom calls them. U know, yr genitals.
Apes
Okay, "supply teacher". If U R in the states U mite B having a WTF moment abt this. Here is Wikipedia 2 the rescue, eh? Tho U prolly guessed she meant "substitute teacher", as U call it.
Now, back 2 Liz. Wha? Y R U acting as if U R living w/us against yr will. U chose this! U can move out NEtime U want, remember?
Oh, and answers 2 Liz's questions from last nite:
April,K, Liz, 4 yr first question, that wd B "harbouring misconceptions" or, if U insist on spelling like U live in the USA, "harboring misconceptions". I can C U R getting tripped up over the verb to harbour. Well, one of the definitions is "to keep or hold in the mind; maintain; entertain: to harbour suspicion. "
Haven't you ever heard of "harboring miscon-something or others," I couldn't remember the expression, didn't I get it right, I was just guessing, but I can't think of anything that gets harbored besides boats, so I'm sure I'm right, and by the way, I still don't understand what Mom is talking about when she says, "Pussy can also mean a very, very bad place," what does she mean, like Quebec?
Liz
And yr second question, geez, I dunno Y Mom went 2 the trub of lecturing U if she wdn't really tell U. It's a slang word 4 yr "lady parts", as Mom calls them. U know, yr genitals.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:35 AM
20 Comments:
At 12:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister writing an e-mail to me. When I read the e-mail I was very confused. I called your sister and told her I got her e-mail. I asked her why she didn’t wait to talk to me on Skype over our computers, like we have been doing since the beginning of the month. Your sister explained to me that some things your family does at the beginning of the month are things that they say they are doing, but are not actually doing. I asked her what that meant and she said, “I am not going to talk to you on Skype anymore, but I may talk to you on Skype later. Right now, I am going to write you a long e-mail, then Shiimsa will step on my keyboard and erase it, and then I will put Shiimsa in a cat pen and I will rewrite the long e-mail.” I told Skype seemed a lot easier, but my sweet girl insisted. So, it looks like long e-mails from now on.
Then I asked my sweet girl what she meant when she said the trial is taking forever and she was afraid to ask for any more time off. I said, “Does this mean the school is refusing to let you have any more time off? That’s against the law, if you have been subpoenaed by the Crown.” Your sister explained to me that meant that she was not going to ask for any more time off to visit me. I said, “But what about Christmas? You’ve been counting down the days. Only 39 more days left.” Your sister said, “I guess I do get time off for Christmas. I wonder if I will take it.” I told my sweet girl I had been planning for her visit. I hope I will get to see her.
April, you’re in school in Milborough. What time do you get off for Christmas holidays?
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't think you should talking about your special lady parts in public, it's not nice, anyway, I don't see what a cat has to do with that, so I'm sure you're wrong, anyway, also, I don't know what you're talking about, spelling "American," I spell like Lubrella Kuntz and Virginia D'Amour do in their books, and they're Canadian, I've been reading them since 1993, so I think I know how to spell right, also, I am a teacher, and teachers are always right.
Also you don't understand something, I don't want to live at home but I have to, a proper unmarried young lady does not live on her own, notice that at college, after I was taught a lesson about what happens when you live with your boyfriend outside of marriage (even though you have your own room and absolutely do not do sex stuff), I lived with Candace and two other girls, then Candace and Aunt Ruby, then I lived in the teacherage with Gary and Viv in the same house, then in an apartment with three other teachers, it is important to be proper and have a mother substitute around if at all possible, or at least some other spinsters, so I hope you have some people lined up for when you go off to college, also, for some strange reason, living in the dorms like normal students is not acceptable, but I think that's because no nice ethnic ladies ever live there.
Liz
At 12:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I should point out though that there were no dorms at Nipppissengg, where I went, but Mom told me that rule anyway, huh, weird, anyway, like I said, you have to find an ethnic lady, or at least some spinsters, one spinster isn't enough, you need at least two, or you'll look like the town whore, oh well, you don't have to worry, you're going to marry Gerald as soon as high school is over, lucky you, you're so much smarter then me.
Liz
At 12:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I can see the Lizardbreath has finally realized the importance of being separated from your family to get the creative juices flowing and she is coming to the same conclusion I did, shortly after I had children. Spending evenings locked away from the family you love, is the Patterson way. My model is dad, as you know. When I was growing up and Dad eventually reached that stage of his life when he had to get away from his family, he didn’t go through divorce, like some idiot fathers do. Instead he developed a love for model trains and would lock himself away from his family building his train sets. It made me sad when I was growing up Dad wasn’t there for me, but now that I am older and have a wife and children of my own, I realize the importance of having your own space, where you can get away, for hours or days at a time.
Of course, Liz doesn’t have children yet, but she is on the verge of having a ready-made child in little Francie, so it is probably good for her to get some practice in for ignoring her family. The part that is puzzling to me is why Anthony Caine hasn’t proposed to her yet. From everything I heard about Anthony and Elizabeth last summer, I would have sworn that Anthony would have proposed to Liz the instant his divorce was final. There is a time for being shy and demure, and there is a time for action. He better act quickly before Liz decides to leave her job and go teach English in Japan, like she used to talk about. I can tell from your Blog entry, Elizabeth is restless again. And as history has shown us, when Liz is restless, she moves.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur sis again. wussup w/her? duzn’t she have ne friendz n mboro? i thot shawna-marie verano, she hung out w/in high skool still lived n mboro. she cud spend tyme w/her. i hafta stay @home, cuz mom grounded me 4 a month cuz of wut happed @gym jam, but ur sis izn’t grounded, is she? when i think ‘bout u havin’ 2 live w/ur whacked out sis, i get rilly down thinkin’ ‘bout it. is “down” a goth word? i’ll hafta ask.
neway, in-skool suspension still stinks, but not 2 bad 2day. i hadda supply teacher come 2day 2 replace the regular in-skool suspension supervisor. she wuz cube. the in-skool suspension supervisor just told her 2 hand me the work & 2 tell me 2 b quiet, but she wuz in the mood 2 talk. she sed she read sumthin’ on msnbc that the world wuz comin’ 2 an end in fall, 2007, & she wuz rilly nervous ‘bout it. she thinks the in-skool supervisor iz out doin’ interviewz for jobs in othah towns that need teachers & thass y she wuzn’t in 2day. she sed in the boondocks the teachers don’t last very long, so there mite b an opening ovah there. the whole convo wuz weird & it reminded me of the story u told ‘bout the weird peeps who came 2cu in lilliput’s yesterday. i dunno y. the whole thing is making me rilly depressed & i prolly wud b evn if i wuzn’t tryin’ 2b a goth z-boy rite now.
At 2:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Milboroughtonians,
There is something I think you should know about Elizabeth Patterson. She has a deep, dark secret. It's such a good secret that she doesn't even know about it.
Liz has a split personality. And I'm her better half.
You see, Liz has a terribly fragile psyche. Even the smallest amount of abuse or difficulty deeply scars her. For example, being called the affectionate nickname "Lizardbreath" sends her into paroxysms of rage and self-doubt. I suspect her emotional fragility is largely due to her below-average IQ.
At a very young age, Liz found that the only way she could deal with the world was to imagine that she had a stronger, more intelligent, more self-reliant person inside of her, an alter ego of sorts, but also an imaginary friend. Someone who could stand up to the big, bad world for her. Someone who could make decisions for her. Eventually, around the time Liz turned 18, the strong side and the weak side of her personality diverged too much, and they split forever.
The Liz you know today is the weak, sniveling, stupid personality. I am the strong side of Liz. I gave myself the name Vivienne Paris. Not only does it sound worldly and carefree, but it pays homage to Liz's secret Francophile tendencies...the ones she hid from Milborough's rabid anti-French prejudice.
You may have noticed that "Liz" doesn't always act in a consistent way. That's because Liz is not always in control of her actions. Sometimes, Vivienne lends a helping hand.
Care to hear more?
Yours truly, Vivienne Paris
At 2:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
This Vivian girl is just making up stories, probably she is just Howard's lawyer Mr. Benis trying to discredible me before I take on the stand to give my alibi of the day in question, can you believe that they let a bad person like Howard have a lawyer, I totally can't, why don't I have some rights in this, I think I should have my own lawyer to make sure Mr. Benis doesn't ruin my life, I am thinking about calling this lawyer who I saw an ad for in the paper, Ms. Dummslutte, so that awful Mr. Benis can't go around making up stories like I'm crazy and stupid and whatever, everyone knows I'm a strong intelligent independent woman and also, this could get me fired, I am already probably going to get fired for taking time off of work for the trial, it's 2 whole days already!
Also I am still pretty sure you and the dictionary have to be wrong about the harbor thing, the only thing you can keep in a harbor is boats, everything else would sink to the bottom under the water, and you know a lot of things can't stand being under water, like Shiimsa doesn't like water at all and also one time I saw Dad left his brass train engine outside and I took it inside and decided to wash it up because it had some dirt in it, well then Mom yelled at me to come and peel some spuds and I got confused because I didn't know what spuds were, well I went to ask her and I forgot and left his brass train engine in a bucket of water in Dad's shop and when he found it there a few days later it was a big ball of rust, so I don't think that harboring misconcepts is a good idea, they probably aren't rustproofed.
Liz
At 4:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
I sit in shocked disbelief as I read the entries supra. You cannot realize the importance of the information which has now been disclosed re one Vivienne Paris. The entire force has been searching for this woman for months now, based upon very credible evidence that she is in fact the head of the major prostitution and deviant sex ring operating throughout the east side of Milborough and its nearby suburbs. Our profilers had toyed with the notion that her heinous activities were the result of a split personality at work - one side seemingly innocent if imbecilic, the other worldly, amoral, and deviously brilliant. Harsh as it may sound, your older sister may indeed be, clinically speaking, a nutjob.
Trusting you will have a pleasant evening I remain,
Your civil servant,
Sgt. Royalson
At 4:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Loyal Readers,
Please ignore Sergeant Royalson's ridiculous accusations. I am not a prostitute. He is simply furious because of a little incident that happened at the Gas 'n Go a couple of weeks ago. I was doing some simple maintenance on Liz's car, you know, checking the oil, putting air in the tires, filling up the washer fluid reservoir. As I'm sure you could guess, Liz doesn't know how to do those things. She can barely figure out how to get the gas cap off, and more often than not, she looks for a full-service island.
Anyway, Sergeant Royalson rolled into the parking lot in his cruiser, on a donut run. I'm afraid that the Patterson allure does not diminish even when it is moi in control. Liz had just gotten off of work, so my hair was up in a prim bun, and I was wearing lipstick and pearls. As I bent over to fill up the fluid reservoir, I guess the Sensible Schoolmarm skirt rode up a bit.
The next thing I knew, Sergeant Royalson was begging me to marry him and give him a home. He claimed not to have one. I told him, "That's utter nonsense," and he said, "No, really, all I have is an efficiency apartment." He kept going on and on about how he's domesticated and handy at woodcrafts, but I tuned him out. I already have to listen to that from one total drip--I don't need another!
Ever since then, he's been trying to drum up some spurrious charge so he can arrest me and put me in handcuffs. He's a pervert, that one.
Fondly yours, Vivienne
At 5:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Patterphiles,
You've been curiously silent, but I know you are dying to know all about my influence on the life of your dear Liz Patterson. So I'll give one teasing little detail:
It was me who decided Liz should go to Nipissing for uni. I knew that Liz would be able to scrape by to graduation if she went to one of the more mediocre unis. Also, more importantly, I was desperate to get Liz away from that pantywaist boyfriend of hers. It was pretty obvious that he was going to propose to her within a year after graduating high school. And believe me, Liz was all for it. That girl thinks of nothing but getting married. She keeps bride magazines under her mattress.
However, I have no intention of being shackled to an idiot like Anthony. So, "Liz" broke up with Anthony, and went north.
I quickly found it was possible to trick Liz. I would just write entries into her diary, and she would think she actually believed/wanted/dreamed those things. Like when Liz didn't know what to do with the rest of her life, she was figuring that "housewife" was her best career move. So I wrote, "My passion is teaching! Miss Edwards inspired me!" I knew that was career she could probably handle. And dear God, I couldn't stand the idea of staying at home all day with half a dozen squawling brats.
Strangely, Liz accepted this as her own idea without too much concern or questioning. The girl really is stupid. And so I learned that it is possible to control both our lives, even when Liz is the one in the driver's seat (so to speak).
Avec amour, Vivienne Paris
At 6:26 PM,
howard said…
Ms. Paris,
Just out of curiosity, is it your intention to put me in prison, like your alter ego, Elizabeth Patterson plans to?
My lawyer, Mr. Benis, was called by a lawyer who said she was representing Elizabeth Patterson or you (I don’t know which), named Ms. Dummslutte. She offered to sleep with Mr. Benis, in order to convince him not to go around making up stories about Elizabeth Patterson being crazy and stupid and trying to discredible her. I don’t think Mr. Benis accepted her offer, but I am not sure. He said, “Howard. A Benis stays with a Bunt. He doesn’t go running off with any Dummslutte that comes along and offers to sleep with him.” I think he plans to send Ms. Blitoris of the "Find 'Em and Lick 'Em" Confidential Investigation Agency and Ms. Bulva, Ms. Blitoris's assistant to check out Ms. Dummslutte, to see if she is on the level.
Sincerely,
Howard Bunt
At 6:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I received a strange e-mail from someone named Vivienne Paris, who claimed to be the better half of Elizabeth’s split personality. It said I should propose to Susan Dokis because there was no way she was letting Elizabeth marry a groveling, toady of a man like me, even if I am a hot constable. She said I should have taken the hint when she had Elizabeth move back to Milborough. I hate it when I get e-mail that sounds like it’s from someone I know and it isn’t. I spent way too much money on stock and Viagra last year, because of those kinds of e-mail.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, in school, if we use u.s. spellings, we get them marked as spelling errors. didn't yr teachers do that w/u? don't yr principal and administrators want u 2 do that w/yr students?
i checked yr collection of lubrella kuntz and virginia d'amour books, and i noticed that the copies u got were published in the u.s. that's y the u.s. spellings. then i checked the editions we have @ lilliput's, in the "bodice ripper" section iris set up. the ones we sell r out of a canadian publishing company, and all the spellings r 100% canuck. colour, flavour, behaviour, cheque, and so on.
as 4 not discussing yr private parts in public, that's the pt. u were the one talking about yr [p-word] out in front of gordo's restaurant yesterday, so's ppl walking by thot u were discussing yr girl bits. gordo's the one who called mom cuz he sed he won't have that kind of smut in front of his biz, even if it is coming fr. a patterson.
but if u r so stubborn u think u know better than a dictionary, i guess i can't help u.
paul, liz is 2 mad @ me 2 read mike's post and tell me if he sed nething interesting or worthwhile. would u mind doing me a favour? cd u read the post and let me know abt the interesting/worthwhile issue?
zeremy, that end-of-the-world stuff is giving me serious creeps. sum1 told me i oughta consider moving in w/luann, since i'm gonna b stuck @ age 16 neway. i don't wanna b stuck @ age 16.
vivienne, all i can say? wow.
apes
At 7:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings asking me to read your nisayenh (brother) Mike's writings. I would like to do that for you, but your sister has made me promise not to read anyone else's writings but yours. I must gaagiizom (apologize) to you. I cannot do what you ask.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, i didn't know. thanx neway!
apes
At 7:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i can read mike's stuff 4u. he sez ur dad abused him wen he wuz little & thass y he duz the same thing ur dad did 2 him 2 hiz own kids. also, he duzn't know y anthony caine hazn't proposed 2 ur sis yet. i kinda wondah that 1 myself.
az 4u & b-ing 16 4evah, wen ic ur how ur mom & ur sis r goin', u mite b better off stayin' 16. that way u will alwayz b hott & u won't hafta worry 'bout all that marriage & kids stuff that iz whacking out ur sis. i wud get rilly depressed if u ended up like ur sis or ur mom.
At 7:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 telling me abt the mike post, zeremy. it soundz kinda depressing. u have a gd pt abt the whole staying-16 thing.
apes
At 8:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
The situation is obviously far worse than I had thought even a few hours ago. As Vivienne Paris grows ever more dominant, the "good" but dumb(if I may be so blunt) Liz recedes ever farther into the background. Your elder sister is, I am afraid to say, rapidly becoming roadside. How this will all play out, and whether my old roommate Constable Paul Wright, Anthony the model parent, or a certain helicopter pilot will end up with Liz, Vivienne, or some other manifestation of a deranged, muiltiple personality, is more than this humble servant of Her Majesty can hope to fathom. (I suppose if we learn that she does have three personalities she could marry and satisfy all three of these fine gentlemen? I am frankly not certain how the law would regard this.)
Your grandfather, hopelessly addled and unable to comprehend the horrors steadily engulfing your family, may be the lucky one.
VTY,
Sgt. Royalson
At 9:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Darlings,
I see the wildly delusional Sergeant Royalson has posted again. As you Pattersons would say, "Cheeze!" How irritating. His sex fantasies about me are truly banal.
Anyway, once we were at uni, Liz's idea of a wild time was to binge eat and talk about joining the choral club. Mind you, she never actually did it. She would just talk about it as she stuffed a whole bag of Oreos down her gullet. I knew that we were going to end up with thighs that look like cottage cheese if we didn't get some exercise, so I signed us up for the Outdoors Society and wrote in Liz's diary, "I love the outdoors. I think I am just a simple kind of girl!" Oh, how I laughed at that one. Anyway, the hiking kept our unfortunate Patterson ass in check.
Another time, in order to play a prank on Liz, I signed her up for the Students For Literacy group. I mean, the girl doesn't even know what "literacy" means. Then I took us over to the meeting, and let her "wake up" right in the middle of it. Instead of freaking out like I thought she would, she actually convinced herself she was there because she loves to help people who have difficulty reading! One thing you can always count on Liz for is a good hearty laugh.
In my next post, I will tell you all about Eric Chamberlain...and Liz's "secret" shame.
Ta ta, Vivienne
At 9:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, i heard sum weird laffs coming fr liz's rm abt 25 mins ago. v. curious.
apes
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