My 'rents R hopeless
So, when Mom realized that Shiimsa was up on top of a kitchen cabinet, Mom freaked out, and Dad was all, "Relax. I'll get her down." I was abt 2 say that if they just w8ed, Shiimsa wd come down on her own, since that's just sumthing cats do. But I knew they wdn't listen, and even worse they'd get mad @ me. So I didn't say NEthing. Dad put an oven mitt on each hand and stood on a chair that he'd pulled up 2 the counter rite by the cabinet where Shiimsa was. Then he reached up w/his mitted hands, and Shiimsa sproinged on2 his head, climbed down his back, schooched down his rite leg, and sprang outta the kitchen as Dad plunked his butt on2 the counter and Mom kinda gaped like a Muppet. Then Dad got down and sed, "All it takes is superior intellect." Mom didn't say NEthing, but I was totally thinking Shiimsa was the one w/the superior intellect, IYKWIM.
Vivienne, I wd h8 2 B mean 2 Ger, and besides, I kinda think that wdn't work. Cuz there were times, back when they were d8ing, that Liz was pretty mean 2 Anthony, and U know how that turned out.
Apes
Vivienne, I wd h8 2 B mean 2 Ger, and besides, I kinda think that wdn't work. Cuz there were times, back when they were d8ing, that Liz was pretty mean 2 Anthony, and U know how that turned out.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:07 AM
5 Comments:
At 9:22 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, funny. i think we heard ur mom screamin’ @ur sis’ cat ovah @our house. it didn’t last 2 long. mom just sed, “elly patterson’s upset w/sumthin’ again. i hope sum1 stops her soon.” but ur dad took the bullet it soundz like from ur blog entry. it’s funny, i hadda xxperience kinda like that.
i got this rilly weird call frum zapata henderson, who’s the goth, z-girl who convinced me 2 try b-ing goth, zeremy jones, & b-ing depressed & stuff like a z-boy. she sed, “i’m ovah by blum industries on top of a wall & i can’t get down.” i sed, “ur kiddin’?” she sed, “no. can u come & get me down, zeremy?” i asked mom. i sed, “zapata’s on a wall outside blum industries & she wants me 2 get her down. i don’t think she wunts her ‘rents 2 know she is up there, or she woulda called them.” mom sed, “go get her, but come rite back aftah ur done. remembah ur grounded.” i told mom, “ok”. & i thot it wuz pretty cube 4 her let me go since i wuz grounded frum wut happed @the gym jam 2 weeks ago.
i got a portable ladder & went to blum industries. there wuz zapata on the wall. it wuz freakin’ high like 9 meters n the air & i kinda wondered how she got up there in the 1st place. her bf (eldritch i 4get hiz last name) wuz on the ground yellin’ @her 2 jump. i sed 2 eldritch, “relax. if she jumps frum up there, she’ll break her legs.” eldritch sed, “wtf r doin’ here?” i sed, “zapata called me.” eldritch yelled sum more thingz 2 zapata ‘bout how this wuz just supposed 2b the 2 of them, but w/not az nice wordz az that. i ignored him & i put the ladder up 2 the wall & it wuz just high enuff, so i cud reach the bottom of her legs.
zapata decided 2 climb down grabbin’ on2 my bod, & i can tell u it hurt. zapata needs 2 cut her fingernailz. aftah she got down, she ran off with eldritch & i wuz there on top of a ladder watchin’ them run off & thinkin’ like ur dad, “all it takes iz superior intellect & i wudn’t have gotten n2 this sitch @all.” i get depressed just thinkin’ ‘bout it. wen i got back, mom wuz surprised. she sed, “back so soon? i thot 4 sure u end up w/some new gf. everytyme u help sum girl, u end up d8ing them & then u find out they’re crayzee & & they break thingz off w/u & give u some scar. it’s been that way ever since april patterson.” i sed, “not this tyme, mom. jeremy jones wud come back w/a new gf. zeremy jones iz gonna sit in his room & b depressed & think ‘bout death.” mom sed, “i think i am beginning 2 like zeremy. i won’t hafta worry az much az i usedta.”
At 9:27 AM,
howard said…
April,
I think Becky and I both heard your mom screaming at Elizabeth’s cat. Becky said, “Howie. No matter how old I get, I will never get used to that sound. It makes me feel really bad for April, every time I hear her mom screaming like that.” I know just what she means.
The trial ended yesterday with a man trying to demonstrate how I physically assaulted your sister. According to the stretch marks on her Lakeshore Landscaping T-shirt, I supposedly jumped on her head and then dug both my hands into the back of the T-shirt with my nails extending into the shirt. Then I grabbed at her pants around the right leg and extended my nails into those also. Then the man lifted the T-Shirt and there were also holes in the front left and right sides of the shirt. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, asked why there were holes in the front of the T-shirt, when he just said I had grabbed the back of the T-shirt, and the man said those holes came from the T-shirt breaking when I pulled so hard on the back of the T-shirt. Then my lawyer, Mr. Benis asked the man why there was cat hair all over the T-shirt, and he replied your sister Elizabeth Patterson owned a cat and was not known for her cleanliness. Then Mr. Benis got the man to basically agree that since all the holes in the T-shirt had the shape and pattern of a cat paw with claws extended, that it was possible the holes had been made by a cat and not by me. Mr. Benis did a good job with the man. I even heard Judge Patterlover admit that it was obvious to a superiour intellect that the holes had not been made by human hands (which I hope meant not by me, and not that I wasn’t human). I don’t think the T-shirt will hold up as proof in my case. It’s too full of holes.
No trial today, since it is Saturday, so I am going relax. Becky and I may participate in a bicycle race which may take most of the day. After sitting in the prisoners box all week, I need the exercise.
Howard Bunt
At 9:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. The things dad will do to get mom to stop screaming and even though you didn’t mention it, I know she was. Whenever there are animals involved, mom screams. When you get right down to it, I think everyone in the family would do almost anything to get mom to stop screaming. I am not sure where she got the idea that screaming at things would make things better. I don’t remember Grandma Marian screaming or Grandpa Jim either. I know that when I started dating Deanna and she got mad about something, I remember she didn’t start screaming and I think it was one of the moments when I knew I was in love with her.
Of course, I am the most surprised; Dad would tell mom he had a superiour intellect because he went up after the cat instead of screaming at it. Or was he saying he a superiour intellect to that of the cat? Actually, it could have been both, and if mom started screaming at him for insulting her, then he could claim he was talking about the cat. That’s very clever of Dad. Dad has been around mom for the longest of any of us, and I am still learning from him. I will have to remember that trick the next time I am home and mom starts screaming at one of the dogs to do their business outside faster, or for one of the other reasons she likes to scream. Mom has been very good about not screaming around my kids though and I try not to visit without them precisely for that reason. Maybe Dad's trick is a trick you can use for yourself, little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your noos (father) getting Shiimsa down from the top of the kitchen cabinet and suffering for it, in order to make your ngashi (mother) calm down. That sounds like most of my visits to see your sister when she lived in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). My advice is: Put fresh fish. In a dish. On the floor. By the door. The rhyme helped me remember it. Shiimsa will usually get off the kitchen cabinets for fresh fish, and usually will not scratch you or injure you. I say “usually” because sometimes Shiimsa’s in a mood to scratch, even if the fish is fresh. The last part of my rhyme is “Growling cat. Stay way back.”
I told your story to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) and she thought it was very funny. She said, “I can see so much of Elizabeth in her family.” Chipper has never met you, but she could tell what I have always known. Your sister got her great sense of humour from you and your ningitiziim (parents).
I don’t think your noos (father) would think it is funny, but if he were living in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) we would probably use our native humour and call him “Man The Cats Climb” or “Cat Rescue Man” or “Laughed at by Cats.” I hope you tell your noos (father) about the fresh fish. Also, you may want to check the top of the cabinet for moowan (excrement).
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:01 AM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i told my dad abt the fresh fish, and he sighed an' sed that mom wd consider that "wasting food" and she'd prolly wrestle shiimsa 4 the fish. mom is v. weird abt food. like, a few years back, mom was cleaning out our big deep-freeze freezer and finding things that were four, six, 10, 15, and even 20 years old. and when dad asked her y she kept this stuff, mom was all, "well! ...u don't throw away good food!!" can u believe that? no matter how good yr freezer is, stuff that old is NOT "good". it's no wonder mom tried 2 feed me garbage in that chicken wrap last yr.
zeremy, howard, becky, i am so embarrassed that u all were able 2 hear my mom yelling. i'm not surprised, but i'm embarrassed!
apes
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