Home more when she was working
Well, U know how Mom made a big stink abt all the stuff she was going 2 do once she retired, and then how once she did get retired, she spent her time cleaning the basement, arranging plastic organizer bins, an' so on? She recently decided 2 start doing sum of the stuff she sed she wd. So, Mom's been driving around, going 2 parent-teacher meetings (where she can look at charts that say "the team triangle" w/"students," "teachers," and "family" at the pts of the tri), mtgs for "FUN-DING" the Junior Theatre, dropping off boox @ the Don8-a-Book Literacy Campaign, and using a treadmill @ the gym (prolly 4 abt 30 secs, LOL). Recently, I sed, "2 bad U retired, Mom... U were home more when U were working!" That was a joke, of course. Not the part abt her being home more when she was working, just the "2 bad" part. I don't think Mom realized that, tho. She totally does not get teenage humour.
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:14 AM
8 Comments:
At 9:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) attending a school meeting, leading a fundraiser for the Junior Theatre, contributing to Donate-a-Book Literacy Campaign, and exercising at a gym. When I talked to your sister, I said, “Your ngashi (mother) is very impressive. She does many things. Maybe you should spend some of your spare time with her, instead of spending most evenings in your room.” My sweet girl said, “Paul. You don’t actually believe my ngashi (mother) did any of those things do you?” I said, “Yes. April wrote it happened. And your ngashi (mother) is a fine woman. I have known it ever since I met her for the first time. It was the main reason I wanted to meet you after I saw your picture. Such a woman would have a great daughter. So, she must have done all those things.” Elizabeth said, “No, Paul, no. This is Sunday. Things are coloured differently on Sunday, and many times what happens is not true.” I said, “The last time I saw you was on a Sunday, when we climbed the hill to look at the lake. It was probably the most romantic time I have ever had with you.” My sweet girl said, “Paul. That’s an excellent example. There are some people who say I haven’t seen you since the August long weekend before I started back to teaching in the fall. There are some who say I saw you on that Sunday in October. And there are some who say I haven’t seen you since you dropped me off in Milborough back in July.” I was confused. I said, “All 3 things happened. I remember it. It is too bad those other people don’t, but I do.” Your sister said, “Sundays are a mystical time for my family. I will bet that you will never again hear about my ngashi (mother) attending a school meeting, leading a fundraiser for the Junior Theatre, contributing to Donate-a-Book Literacy Campaign, or exercising at a gym ever again. You will hear about all kinds of other things mom does, but nothing like those things. Never, ever.” I said, “Elizabeth. I think your ngashi (mother) is a fine woman. Sometimes nindaan (daughters) have a problem with their ngashi (mother). I know it from what your sister writes too. But nothing you can say will change my mind about your ngashi (mother).” Your sister said, “That’s so sweet, Paul. But you are saying that on a Sunday, so it doesn’t count for anything.” I was really confused by what your sister said.
I talked to my friend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper). She said, “Suds (her nickname for me), you should take Elizabeth at her word. If she says the last time you two got together may not have happened, then I would believe her. In fact, if she said you never had a relationship at all, I would believe that too.” Normally, I feel better when I talk to Chipper but not this time.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Cheeze and rice. Did this stuff you wrote about in your Blog entry really happen? I think the universe must be going out of alignment or something. What happened between mom and Connie Poirier? Mom never exercises without Connie. It has been that way for decades, remember. Since before you were born. Mom jogs with Connie in the street. They complain about how they are fat. Then they go to a pastry shop, or pick up garbage thrown on the street, or some other something to prevent them from getting any actual exercise. Dad has had a treadmill in the house for awhile, even though he seems to be unable to use it without injuring himself, and mom never uses it. Now you are telling people in your Blog entry, our mom was at a gym using a treadmill. At least tell me things like the treadmill didn’t have safety rails, or the treadmill extended 3-4 meters behind where mom was running, or mom was wearing her hair in a ponytail, so I will know you are just making this stuff up. The other stuff I can believe. Mom wrote about them in her monthly letters. But exercising with Connie is too incredible. That would be a majour split with Connie, and it would mean there was some other story a lot more interesting you were leaving out, about how mom and Connie had a huge fight, or something like that.
The next thing you know, you’ll be telling me some nonsense about how you made dinner for the family. If you do make up some obvious lie like that, be sure to write you were making macaroni from a Kraft Dinner, taking a page out of the Lizardbreath’s cookbook, so I know it has some hint of truth about it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m kinda surprised ur mom wud talk ‘bout that FUN-DING, junior theatre fundraiser. i heard ‘bout that frum luis guzmán, who’s in ur band, 4evah&eva. he played in the orchestra 4 their last production & so did anne nichol’s niece karen, playin’ violin. neway, the group is called the "dreamweavers" & sum1 influential insisted their last performance shud b andrew lloyd weber’s "cats" & every child in town had a part 2 play - sumwhere. luis sed it wuz rilly xxpensive 2 do with all the costumes, & it wuz a nitemare w/all the kids running around, since “cats” is mainly a show only peeps who can dance & sing can do. but sum1 influential thot it wud be fun 2 put all these kids in cat costumes & run ‘round the stage. a lotta costumes & completely outa control iz wut luis sed. so thass y they hafta do a fundraiser. i think they were counting on that sum1 influential 2 spend a lotta money funding the show & she didn’t. but she made sum handmade signs for a fundraiser, & the signs didn’t evn have the group’s name of the "dreamweavers" on it. i think luis sed their next show iz gonna b 1 w/no costumez & no sets & no props 2 save money. luis sed the influential person told the group she had heard the show “oh! calcutta!” didn’t have ne costumes in it & it wud b perfect 4 kids who wunted 2 pretend 2b a pirate. luis sed, the "dreamweavers” have realized that influential person iz a little nuts. i am depressed by that, cuz i kinda wud like 2c the "dreamweavers" do "oh! calcutta!" particularly if they cud get u or zandra larson or eva abuya 2b n the cast.
At 11:49 AM,
April Patterson said…
since i'm still boycotting mike's posts, i'll answer paul and zeremy.
paul, it's true that sundayz r weird. i'm not sure it's necessarily true that the stuff doesn't happ, but it mite b that it's a big switch fr. what normally happs and it mite not ever happ again.
zeremy, i'd b a bit nervous abt doing nething w/the junior theatre cuz mom wd b all in my biz. she practically thinx she owns junior theatre.
oh, btw, i 4got 2 mention that when i was telling mom abt her not being home as much, i was making dinner. unlike liz, i wasn't making a kraft dinner. i cooked sum macaroni, and then i hand-grated sum parmasian cheese. i sauteed sum mushrooms and carmelized onions, then added the cheese and veggies with the mac. it was v. good.
apes
At 4:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, if the junior theatre wuz doin' oh! calcutta! & u were n it, i don't think i wud care v. much wut ur mom did. i wud c every show.
At 5:21 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am glad to hear that you are keeping up your cooking skills, and you have not allowed your mother or your sister to influence you. Becky and I are kicking back today. Well, she’s kicking back and I am trying to get the house super clean in preparation for what may be my imminent departure to prison next week. While we were there, who should stop by the door but my cooking nemesis, Anne Nichols. When I opened the door she said, “Oh! I forgot you lived here. Bye!” I said, “See you!” Then she stopped and said, “For the sake of my niece, I am going to put aside my feelings about you and ask you would like to participate in Fun-Ding, the First Annual Junior Theatre Fundraiser.” I said, “Don’t you mean second or third annual?” Anne looked at me mystified. I said, “Well, you can’t have an annual fundraiser until you have the first one and then one year later, you have another one. That makes it annual.”
Anne said, “Look. Elly Patterson was the one who came up with this name, not me. I am only trying to support my niece Karen, who plays violin in the Junior Theatre orchestra.” I said, “Elly Patterson,eh? Has she forgiven you for the prime rib which gave her father a stroke yet?” Anne said, “She never mentions it, but then again, she has gone back to not talking to me again, so I would say the answer to that question is ‘no’.” I said, “Too bad. I am not fond of your prime rib, but I don’t think it’s bad enough to cause a stroke.” Anne said, “It’s too bad you’re going to eat prison food for the rest of your life. I’m sure the prison chefs will love to hear your comments.” I said, “They might.”
Anne said, “Are you going to give to Fun-Ding or not?” I said, “What does Fun-Ding mean? Is it some kind of bell thing?” Anne said, “Why are you asking me these questions? Elly just realized that the word funding had the letters for ‘fun’ in it.” I said, “Sorry. I’m just amazed that anyone would go along with such an idiotic idea.” Anne said, “You’re one to talk Howard. You’re just letting Elizabeth Patterson put you in jail. If it were me, I would have left the country by now.”
I said, “Good point. What’s the next production for the Junior Theatre?” Anne sighed and said, “It’s Oh! Calcutta!.” I said, “The all-nude musical review? Are you joking?” Anne said, “No. Elly Patterson thinks it is a musical review about Mother Teresa. We spent so much money on costumes for Cats, someone suggested Oh! Calcutta! as a joke for saving money on costumes. Now, Elly Patterson won’t let it go.” I said, “I would love to see her face when she finally figures it out.” Anne said, “Me too. Do you have a monetary contribution for the Junior Theatre?”
I said, “I always support the Arts.” Then I gave her some cash. Anne said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but that’s a lot of cash to have lying around.” I said, “I can’t really write cheques these days, since I am probably going to be in prison soon, and my cash flow will significantly diminish.” Anne said, “Good idea. This is a very nice donation.” I said, “Make sure it goes to the production that actually gets done, since I seriously doubt you are actually going to do Oh! Calcutta!.” Anne said, “All right. Howard, I know we have had our differences, but since you are probably going to prison and I won’t see you again, I just want you know something from the bottom of my heart.” I said, “What’s that?” Anne said, “Your food stinks.” I said, “Takes one to know one.” Anne was laughing as she left. I guess she thought I was joking.
Howard Bunt
At 5:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
sorry, zeremy, i'm not gonna b in a nudie play.
howard, i didn't realize mom blamed annie 4 grandpa's stroke. it's not like he ever even 8 ne. it was nice of u 2 don8 2 the junior theatre.
apes
At 2:31 AM,
howard said…
April,
The trial started back today and believe it or not, your sister finally testified. My lawyer, Mr. Benis had me wear an ugly, ugly, ugly gray suit, but I least I got to pick out a brightly-coloured peach tie, which clashed a little with my hair colour, but I had to make a fashion statement somehow. Well, my underwear was nicely coloured too, but we won’t go into that.
Then some odd things happened. I said, “Where’s the court clerk and court reporter that usually sit in front of the judge?” Mr. Benis said, “The judge decided he didn’t want today’s testimony to be recorded, because Elizabeth Patterson might say something to embarrass herself.” I said, “Well, you can almost count on that.” Mr. Benis said, “I know, Mr. Bunt. I know.”
Then I didn’t have to sit in the prisoners box, like I had been before. This was because Judge Patterlover, for some reason took completely over from the Crown attorney and asked your sister to identify me in court and I had to sit beside my lawyer Mr. Benis. I said to my lawyer, Mr. Benis, “Isn’t having me sit here beside you illegal?” Mr Benis told me that since I was not a criminal in custody, I could sit beside him if I wanted. I said, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” My lawyer said, “People don’t like to see a Bunt and Benis together in public.”
Judge Patterlover said, “Miss Patterson, is the man accused of assaulting you in this courtroom?” My thought was, “Well, duh! Does he expect her not to identify me when I am sitting right beside the Defence Counsel?” But your sister stood up and dutifully said, “Yes, your honor.” I said to Mr. Benis, “It’s ‘Yes, your lord.’ She messed up. Do I get points?” Mr. Benis said, “No Howard.” Then Judge Patterlover said, “Please identify him.” Then your sister leaned over and nodded in my direction. I said to my lawyer, “Does leaning and nodding count?” Mr. Benis said, “Well, duh! You’re sitting right beside the Defence Counsel.”
Then I noticed Judge Patterlover was wearing sunglasses. I said to Mr. Benis, “Why is he wearing the shades?” Mr. Benis said to me, “Because he is trying to look cool in front of Elizabeth Patterson.” I could kind of understand that. Elizabeth was rocking the big lips and looked a lot more like your sister-in-law Deanna in a wig, than your sister. Judge Patterlover said, “In your own words, tell the court exactly what occurred between you and the accused on August 11th, 2005.” I said to Mr. Benis, “Why isn’t the Crown Attorney doing this?” Mr. Benis said, “Judge Patterlover wants to be the only person to talk directly to Elizabeth Patterson. She’s so important; he doesn’t want the Crown Attorney to mess it up.” I said, “What? That’s not fair. This is ridiculous.” Mr. Benis said, “Howard, you knew you weren’t going to get fair and impartial in this trial, so I don’t know why you are complaining.”
Then your sister just sat there and said nothing. I said, “Why is she just sitting there?” Mr. Benis said, “It’s a witness-aid. Sometimes in the case of sexual assault offences, an underage witness is protected by having their testimony done over closed circuit television. In the case of Elizabeth Patterson, the court is allowing her underage brain to testify via pictorial thought balloons.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding.” Mr. Benis said, “Wait and see.” Sure enough, a thought balloon popped up and there was me leaning in toward Elizabeth last August, and making her drop the cash register tape. I thought to myself, “Look how out of shape I was back then. It’s no wonder Elizabeth rejected me. I am so glad I worked out over the last year.”
Then your sister had a thought balloon pop up which said, “I want to be accurate. I want to be fair. I don’t want to sound as though I hate you, Howard…but…I do.” Mr. Benis said, “Well, she just admitted she has or is going to commit perjury. Plus she thinks with ellipses. She is a class A loon. I just wish the court reporter was here to record that thought balloon as evidence.” I think I would have thought the same thing too, but I was too bothered by the fact your sister hates me.
In fact, I am so traumatized by that fact, I can’t go on. I will have to finish writing this to you at some later time.
Howard Bunt
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